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I really think the main reason why some people are not able to attract available partners is simply because they don`t know or can`t identify how it feels to have someone available - because they never experienced that.

In tears. This hit me so hard. I am over emotional. I have been used and rejected so much I am afraid to be emotionally available again. I attract my mirror. Now I’m internally stoic with a strong “sexy” “fxckable” exterior for men. I thought I was doing so much better after my divorce from an abusive man. Not at all. I see this clearly just now. No wonder I am only attracting men who ONLY want sex with me. I’m done with all this trying to connect with men. This one is devastating Jack. 💔🥺

After my divorce I started dating again and I notice a weird pattern I have when it comes to dating men...I keep ending up with the same kind of men... I used to think that I had commitment phobia issues when I was younger and thought I will grow out of it... But now I feel like I have some kind of attachment issues and liked men who were also emotionally unavailable. My mom was never affectionate and all my life was emotionally unavailable.... I can never get into fulfilling relationships bc of it... Thank you so much for this video :)

Last two months have been transformational. 1. I am overly emotional and over sensitive 2. Childhood and early life rejections and 3. A divorce. All these have left me a sucker for attention and codependency This is your second video I am watching, and landing up on these videos is an answer to all of those beforesleep prayers, to God asking to show me the way to healing and learning before I dump myself again in a cyclical pattern of emotional unavailability. You have no idea how thankful I am.

This has given me a lot to think about. I’m overly-emotional and fully reveal myself very quickly if I feel deep attraction to a man. And what kind of man attracts me? Quiet, calm, emotionally reserved, won’t open up, complicated wounded birds. I’ve always felt I was just very open and honest, but now I see I’m so unbalanced. Amazing. Thank you. I always learn so much from your videos. I’ll definitely donate!

Emotionally Unavailable here 👋 I do everything I can to make people open up to me, but I’m not giving them anything back: I won’t be vulnerable or talk about what really matters to me. Not doing it intentionally... I just panic at the thought of letting someone inside my head.

It all makes sense Jack. This was an ongoing experience for me my entire life and I’m 56 as of today actually. In December of last year however I found a KZfaq resource that resonated with me ~ I came across her a couple of years ago but the timing wasn’t right in that she made no sense to me at all! But in December, I knew I was so ready to stop everything I was doing and the universe brought her back around to me and I literally spent hours each day for 3 months listening to how to bring power back to myself. Wish it could have happened a long time ago but it is what it is as they say. You deliver the same message as she does only in a different way. The thing, as you know, is that sometimes we might know something logically, or at least truly want to believe certain things about ourselves, but the leap to internalizing it and having it truly become who we are can be soooo difficult. It’s a process and one, I think, that requires a tool kit of specific skills to learn and draw upon each day ~ just like learning how to properly and effectively build physical strength and muscle, learning and mastering a new job, etc. For anyone reading this, I am currently enrolled in Jack’s and Clayton Olsen’s Relationship Ready course and I would highly recommend it. I feel stronger than I ever have in my life and I just want to keep learning, expanding and listening to messages and people that keep me knowing who I am and what my value is ~ with or without a romantic partner. Thank you for all you do, Jack 🙏

This was really deep Jack. You're very perceptive to the emotional dynamic playing out between two people.

This is like some Yoda level Jedi training Jack, bless u 🙏🏼💗

I love you Jack! Thank you. Three things resonated/stood out to me the most. 1. Pay attention to my own experiences vs others' (very curious to getting more deep/in touch with how to do that correctly & maintain it) 2. I can be sad/needy/rejected, but I'm not the "rejected one", etc (I'm not alone, anyone goes through these things too) 3. Thinking, oh look another emotionally unavailable man that I am attracted to but I won't date him (wakefulness/control)

I really love how you explain things. Not just run of the mill advice but a deeper look into both sides of the coin and varied aspects of it as well

Jack, this has truly been an eye opener for me. I so identify with the rejected one, it is traumatic every time circumstances reinforce that. I have known abandonment since childhood and it's been tough to learn to love myself. And I have become the stoic one who never asks for help. When I tell guys I have only known rejection and abandonment they don't believe me because they see me as attractive, yet somehow they end up fulfilling the profecy. I am so tired, but I feel you pointed me in the right direction here. You're a great guy. I won't play the victim anymore. Thank you from my heart.

Facts! I discovered this in myself in my last break up. Since then I’ve been on a path of healing. I will attract a better version of myself in the future.

Yes. I believe your partner type is a reflection of ur inner world.

So wise and thought provoking - love this intelligent, self aware/responsible take on relationship. Thank you Jack.

i am the only one that thought Jack should have a dating app, immediately he said he knows tonnes of emotionally available guys?🤣🤣🤣 in my mind i went. jack hook us up with these men 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣. Weldone Jack

I can see the passion behind your words Jack. Thanks for such an eye opener❤️

Thank you for explaining how to separate having the experience/emotion and not identifying with the experience. I felt I had to be the stoic one because I had been rejected and felt so not good enough. I understand this. My mother was emotionally unavailable and so that was my template. I get it. I know it’s me. This work is not easy but so necessary! Thank you so much!!

Jack, thank you for this message to our community and the collective. You continue to speak truths!!! It’s not really about the other person, how he/she is showing up or not showing up. Our life journey is about getting Into relationship with Oneself! The relationship I have with myself-self-care, self-reflection, self-awareness, self-love-has been my life journey. And the relationship outside of me, the men whom I attract as well as my friendships with women, have undoubtedly reflected or mirrored that same place in my life. Sending you blessings Jack on continuing to journey with us. 🕯

Wonderful, am so pleased that you're part of my journey of self realization!!

I'm so overly emotional (have medication for mental health issues) and I am not a strong, independent woman. i wish to have my own apartment a real job and my own life. I live with a nice person, but also a merger. and I feel like after 8 years, I dont want to be in this anymore. I love him like a brother... not a partner. but i have nothing to offer it seems. I'm in the middle of knowing but no money to change it. overly emotional reactivity means that real jobs are hard to hold. so I feel like I DONT deserve more, especially because someone wants me there and they support me (in housing- i pay my other needs) and yet I'm ungratefully not in love. it's funny, because I dont have many friends either. this all makes sense. intuitively I already knew this all. but... I dont know how to just stop feeling certain ways.

Jack, this is so usefill to me! I have never thought about myself as being overly emotional rather I know that I am a very sensitive and also very spiritual person who feels everybody very deeply. It really makes sense to me that I somehow need to put a filter on my sensitivity when it comes to men and see them for what they actually bring to the table instead of FEELING my way through. Sobriety. I will remember that word. Thank you ❤️

Wow Jack so amazingly eye opening. Being hyper vigilant following heartbreak I see today how I can fall into being emotionally unavailable. I am deeply empathic yet have often chosen to screen myself off in many moments. Thank You for helping us all to Awaken emotionally

I think the challenge for me is that it's not often for me to be physically attracted to a guy, so if he seems decent enough I tend to be too tolerant of non-preferred behavior... I've been too available to forgive people's flaws and they being unavailable, find it a turn off that I let them be who they are without a strong enough accountability . Also, it's one thing to intellectualize attachment traumas but it's a whole other ball game to heal them. I worked on this all 2020 and finally had the courage to leave a situation that wasn't meeting my needs.

Absolutely brilliant 👏. Challenge and compassion. I will watch this on repeat. Thank you 💗

Thank you so much😪😪 Tears of sadness & joy. You have helped me so much! Bless you!

I have listened to this twice and will continue to listen to it again and again... this msg needs to live in my soul... thank you so much Jack ❤️

“Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.” said somebody.

Brilliant not being the victim being an observer!!! Keep Powerful!!!

The video I mention - start valuing yourself; kzfaq.info/get/bejne/gceWepBe1JORfIU.html

I also love the thing about making a living prayer to God...we're spiritual beings not just physical and it's great the video incorporates this in order to grow and learn 🙏🏽 🙌

All I expected was for him to be honest and committed, but he was still too emotionally invested in his ex girlfriend. It wasn't healthy for me, I was in touch with my feelings and I knew it was better to leave. I learned allot during the month we were together and I know that I am not going to settle for less than I deserve.

Wow , I'm very impressed by your wisdom... I watched loads of coaches including big ones but you stand out. Hopefully you'll make it big!

Listening to you is so soothing 💖💖💖💖

Thank you for that view point, I agree these can be issues for some women, but by your implication emotional unavailability is what we are attracting, but what if you are a fairly normal woman and have worked on your inner child and esteem and still come across emotionally unavailable men? There are a lot of men out there who have not dealt with their issues, or are selfish, or so inwardly focussed it does not matter how emotionally intelligent I am. I think as an over 50 year old, emotional unavailability, psychological problems and sexual dysfunctions dramatically increase, making the dating pool very difficult to navigate. In my experience emotionally unavailable men who date do not describe themselves as that, because they are not emotionally intelligent in the first place, but they do sell you the dream of availability to a point according to their own agenda.

Really insightful discussion, especially towards the last third of the video.

Several, "Ah, ha!" moments but especially around the 6 minute mark, says the "stiff upper lip" workaholic raised with a British parent. Thank you for the constructive insights, as always. Have a wonderful weekend!

Thank you for this video. I recently got the feeling of rejection and the feeling of being cast away. I learned through the process that he was a hot and cold guy. But my feels and thoughts where all over the place when he suddenly stopped showing interest. I thought "wow, thank you for showing me the real you now than later on" but my feelings were hurt, I felt rejected and disposable, even though we had only talked together and danced together, nothing else. But felt those feelings mostly, because he started flirting with another girl in the dance class we both are taking. The thought of "why her" crossed my mind and "not again, I thought he was different from other guys", but I stopped and I started to say to myself, "what can you learn from this?" and started to slowly detach myself and look at the situation objectively. So I started to work on my selfworth again. With this post I want to say, that it's quite hard, to look at things objectively when you're being triggered, but when you have the tools, you slowly will be able to look at it objectively.

I dont see it as overly emotionally available. Ive seen in myself also being emotionally unavailable.

Everyone is a mirror 🖤

Jack, Your point here that really struck me is, "I might really not know what is good for me".

Also being too nice and not having enough boundaries can cause that. You aren't actually open yourself either. You are trying desperately be something that they like, because you are afraid that you are not good enough, it's like a false image of you. Then you are also emotionally unavailable. Maybe previous experiences of being abandoned or hurt in your past.

Great video! You know how to word this to totally make sense to me. I appreciate you and your teaching ♥

This was awesome Jack and a great topic that hunts me since years if not since ever. I’ve relistened and relistened to parts of your video and yet I cant really figure out on which side I stand. I have the feeling I have both, if that is even possible. Since many years I have the feeling I am the emotionally unavailable one and I cant commit and yet I am a rollercoaster of emotions and very quickly often think “he is the one”. Men see me as this tough, strong attractive woman and usually are afraid, when in reality I am so sensitive deep inside and simply need a strong man to lean on and finally surrender. I am NEVER attracted to the ones that I get along soooo good and like me, the ones I am attracted to are never emotionally available. So said that, I dont trust, never trust and keep doubting of myself constantly! What a mess!!! If wish there was a button to simply undo all this. I truly believe that our outer world always mirrors our inner world and so we have to be self-reflective and take the time to understand, learn and integrate....but can one be OVER-reflective?? I guess thats me! Thank you again for all your great topics, Im following you since some time and I especially appreciate your real, authentic and empathic way of explaining things. Love it!

Im the unavailable male. What you said about running around being kind to others but not knowing yourself... i did that. Maybe thats why im unavailable. Ive never actually found myself and when i was dating that became more apparent and i couldnt match her emotionally. She was too intense and other factors plus she was my first date ever. It was the best months ever but i had dark issues standing in my way that i knew i needed to address if i was to be serious. I had to do it for me without her help. She had her baggage too but i could handle hers and she couldnt handle mine. I ended up ghosting her- for her own good and mine. I knew my hot and cold patterns but not why i was doing it. She would not let me go. She kept blaming herself for my unavailability. I didnt want to keep not coming through on promises. I didnt want her to be led on. But i refused to break up with her because 1 she didnt deserve that she did nothing wrong and 2 i would always be close by. I have discipline to keep away she did not have. I feel bad but also good because she needs to be with a guy who is ready when she is- not to wait on me. I felt it would be selfish to keep her away from other males untill i worked myself when i realistically had no timetable for improvement. I am learning about emotions and how things trigger reactions. I had no idea i was breadcrumbing and what dating expectations were. I got tired of saying sorry and excuses even though i meant them. Im trying to man up now and find me and take care of me so i can be better for her even though she is not going to take me back. Im going to earn her back. I must. Ive never felt any emotion until i met her. Your videos are helping me way more than you know.

You hit a home run with me on this one. I have work to do. Thank you for raising my awareness.

Boom. Bang On Point. If we use their perceived flaws as our own mirror we will self-develop. It can be self justifying to be able to live in the space of the past pain and rely on disaster to make us feel we were right!

Ugh. This is me. I'm under emotional. I've always attracted emotional unavailable men. Working on changing that through changing my mindset. 🙂

I'm So Emotionally exhausted the past year ..too vulnerable emotionally

😭😭😭 you just answered all my questions! Thank you so much 💜 much love!

Call to my wakefulness 🙏🏻💗

I _knew_ for the last 2 years since my divorce and until the day I got stabilized in my new life - financilly - that *I* wasn't eligible to date. Well that happened today after several risky time periods incldg a storm that damaged my rental house seriously. I had to hang in there & rise from more ashes. So who was I to get butthurt and all trials, crushes & trauma. This video by Jack is very timely, an eye opener and yes I am ready to date but trying to make new friends & platonic too. So I better listen to the rest of this. Very insightful.

I’m truly shocked to hear this part: i attract people who can shut dowm their feelings and go to work or show up or function somehow regardless of their pan or heartbreak bc i feel like i am never able to do that and all my life i wished i could. I was looking for people who can do what i cant and let them break my heart over and over again just because i wish i was more like them. Now i see i need to make peace with myself and learn to handle my emotions in ways i wish for myself. Thank you❤

This really touch on some things that I never looked at? I will definitely take a deeper look within before I get serious with the guy I m with now! This was right on time! Thanks Jack!

Wow, Jack you are amazing and the best relationship coach out there! Thank you for sharing your insights!

I'd love a video how to read a guy's emotional availability...this video is amazing, very valuable and great insights Jack 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙌

Very true. Thank you! Great perspective!

This hit home 🙏🏽ty !

Don't you hate it when a man speaks sense? I just wish they all did! Obviously something to do with me and who I'm attracting. I can totes take that on board! Thank you!

Thank you for this Jack. It has been hugely helpful.

wow...on point! I never ever looked at it this way. This was great and definitely food for thought! Thank you!

Love this! So much clarity. Thank you

I find that honouring my time and feelings more and more regularly is helping me identify sooner when I’ve attracted someone unavailable on any level, and address it, or retreat my investment.

Your voice and presence is so calming🙂

Hi Jack :) Thank you for your time and energy making this video. I really appreciate your vulnerability. :) Lately I just feel like cocooning myself. I desire deep connection yet I am afraid of commitment. I still think of being in the arms of the man who I am still in love with and wondering if I will ever feel this way again. It is bizarre but I feel lonelier trying to date right now. :(

Jack, sure! Thank you..the video has so much to learn.

Brilliant. Thank you

Yes I'm a workaholic too ..

Oh my God..everything has so much sense!!! Wow amazing!! Thank you!!❤❤❤❤

pure gold!

This is gold Jack. Thanks for sharing 🙏🏼😀.

finally someone mentions that we dont always need to have answer..phew! coz i just cant figure out..but shall be more aware n true always bringing attention to myself

This was great thank you

Thank you Jack 😊

This was a very helpful video. I've been married for almost 11 years now, but I still watch your videos because they help me show up better in my marriage in addition to relationships with other people. I still find that I attract and give quarter to emotionally unavailable people (colleagues and friends now), sometimes even to the point where I wonder if I made a mistake in marrying my husband. After doing some internal work and watching your videos, I now recognize the pattern. I can quickly see that if I'm getting intensely interested in someone, it likely doesn't bode well for me because it's probably a new manifestation of the old problem. It's amazing how the same people continue to show up with different faces. Although my relationship with my husband has always been calm and easy, that doesn't mean it was a mistake--it likely means I in fact made the right choice. It doesn't always feel that way because he doesn't fit the emotional pattern. Thanks again for your work--I think we can all benefit from what you're doing.

This does make sense because I have only been in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable man one time in my life, and we met just two months after my mother died and I was still very much grieving her death. I was very emotional at the time, but I kind of liked it in a weird way. I felt more spiritual, I felt more open, I was pondering all the deeper questions like what happens after death, etc... Bottom line is I was raw , emotionally and spiritually raw, and whom do I fall in love with during that time??? A man who had the uncanny ability to be like emotional cardboard, lol... He had some kind of invisible wall up where he couldn't fall in love with anybody at the time.

Your content is so valuable. Are you thinking of writing a book?

Preach brother! I felt this ✨

This is very eye opening! Thank you

Hello jack , From , southern Utah You've said some instrersting Things , that really hit home ,I would like to more Thanks Angelaroundy

Very sensible analysis. Thank you, Jack!

Jack did you post the video about knowing your own worth? Did I miss it? Stellar content as usual. You are in my ear every day was I work ❤️

Hello, Jack Still getting thru it.

Great insights and so timely for me. Thank you!

Wow Jack another great video, with a very deep thought provoking message 💖💖

Hi Jack, another great video, thank you xx Lots to think about.

Hi Jack, i've watched a few of your videos now and i'm so grateful to you for the work you do. This video resonated with me... so, i need to sort out why i'm so emotive. Thanks again! :)

That is amazingly informative video... Thank you so much!

Thank you for sharing your insights Jack!

12:09 - 14:53 great insight!

You wenttt innnnn on this video!! Yassssssssss Jack. 🙏🏼💙💙

Timeless wisdom

Hey @jack butler WOWWWWWW THIS hit home I’ve been following you for a while now but this video.... DAMN..... YOU SPOKE TO MY SOUL.... ok so now this begs the question, I’m actively working on myself through therapy, self help techniques, books etc.... how do we assess the emotional availability of someone we are starting to date? Like where do we go from here.... how do we change this pattern & dynamic in our lives. I am able to see things through sober eyes now & not get all caught up in the stories or fairytale in my head, but how do I really know if someone is able to meet me on my emotional maturity level?! Please help, I’m genuinely wanting to change this pattern and dynamic & would love to know how to asses! I’m doing the work on myself & I have been fir a few years so I know I’m showing up in a different space but damn is it scary bc u feel like u messed up with this area your whole life & now it’s like I need to know how to know I’m on the right track with a guy?! Hope this makes sense and that you can respond to help guide me! I’m a big supporter of your work and will continue to be. Thanks for sharing your gifts & knowledge on this platform, you are truly a blessing!

Thank you for sharing, I’m open to change 😊

Dude it's like you know me! Thanks for sharing your knowledge

I attract not only men but friends that are all emotionally unavailable and it’s so lonely I need to watch this again I’m so exhausted of giving and never receiving until I’m ignored or discarded on a level?

Omg, everything about this video resonates with me. Thank you.

Eye-opening as always

Great video