Run from anyone that gives you the silent treatment. It is abusive as hell and physically hurts.

I totally disconnect emotionally from people when they try to manipulate me. Not even guilt tripping works with me anymore I feel anger instead of guilt when someone tries to make me feel guilt for something that’s not my responsibility.

I find that a person who comes with a sob story about how someone did something to them and they're the victim when you just met them, is usually a red flag.

I never have these problems with my dog & she really loves me more than any human being could

1. 2:28 Passive-aggressive behavior 2. 6:36 Gaslighting 3. 10:16 Generalizations 4. 11:50 Hypocrisy 5. 13:15 Guilt-tripping 6. 14:47 Shaming or smear campaigns 7. 17:10 Playing the victim (deflector) 8. 19:29 Conditioning Thanks for this video with examples. I will watch it often. It is my opinion that narcissism would not exist if we followed Jesus' teachings and keep all ten of His commandments. The first four are about our duty to love our Creator and the last six are about our duty to love and treat each other as we want to be treated (Matthew 19:16-24, Mark 10:17-25, Luke 18:18-22).

Deeply appreciate this video. For years I felt so misunderstood and couldn’t explain what I was experiencing. This. Is. Everything .

Infjs are very quiet but they explain things the best. Its obvious Clay really understood what he's going to say before making thw video.

My mom does all 8 of these almost daily. It has taken me many years to recognize these, to learn how to defend myself against them, and to prevent myself from doing them to others as well.

My entire life. From my parents to co-workers. I have become very intolerant to these behaviors. I have a sister that is an actual diagnosed sociopath and she has such a 'talent' at all of these. So easy to spot.

The "not being able to say no" stuck out to me the most.. my sister and i were never allowed to tell our mother no growing up. it didnt matter what it was for. if she asked us to do something, it was always an "okay" or "yes ma'am". im 29 and i still have a hard time saying no to people. my friends have to constantly remind me that im allowed to say that i dont want to go out to lunch or go watch a movie with them; because i've been trained to always say yes, even when i dont want to.

Whenever I used to get in a heated discussion or argument with some people they would state their view and voice their opinion but when I tried to do mine all I got was ' I've said what I've said, it's done...move on'.

Omg been there!! I could write a book. I left fast, quietly, never looked bk. My kids were saved! A weight lifted off!!

grooming and bribing is another form of manipulation... I fully agree with all your points...the passive and shaming points hit home... I despise them fully.

You're currently my therapist... Honestly I love these videos. Just made me realize my whole family is this way and I've been their puppet. My cousin, I call her my sister because of how often I see her, she usually uses the victim thing, where in the end I feel like the monster in all of it and she others, my mom promises things and never lives up to it and when I'm all fed up and she notices that I don't care anymore that's when she comes to me with all these promises that sound legit and warms me up making me feel like we are actually going to do that thing together or that she's going to do this one thing for me and that day never comes... Literally everyone in my family has their own manipulative behavior. I'm going to keep it to myself though, now that I'm aware of this... When I see them doing these things to me I'll just find a way to escape it... Apart of me wants to talk about it with them but I don't see any of them taking it well. Thank you for this. When I watch your videos I imagine you as someone who picks me up from school and we have these conversations on the way to dropping me off. Like an uncle or a teacher who lives near me and doesn't mind dropping me off cause I'm the favorite student😂😂😂😅or that uncle I spend a lot of my time with.

Withholding information is a big one because it drives you crazy because you sense it.

Over the years, after so many trial & tribulations I've come to realise that 'boundaries' are very important for us INFJ's . 🙌I absolutely the apprecite the effort you've put into making these video contents. Great Job !!! 👏

Ugh. I can't stand these people and there are soooo many of them.

Oh, I'm so glad that people say something about deliberate inefficiency. It's such a backhanded way of insulting someone. It's even worse when they know that you will pick up the pieces out of respect for others.

That is so brilliant. I have gone through all those points being victimized by narcissists from my own family and it“s always a crucial emotional support if one is able to define and name all those horrible and often utterly subtle performed techniques.

I'm grateful for this video. Was manipulated in probably all 8 ways by ESFJ for more than 2 years. One day I had to slam the door, because I wasn't heard by that person, that I know what he was doing and it wasn't acceptable to me. I was feeling low for quite long time because of all abusive behaviour towards me. But I found peace in my mind after seeing your video. Thank you. -INTJ

I think conditioning can be linked to grooming--- it's like a man saying that a woman taunted him erotically to the point where he does something about it but blames it on her by saying she wanted it. but really he was the one at certain points conditioning her to accept certain abuses. it's really some crazy stuff! that's why I watch so many documentaries so that I'm aware

Clarke Kent Vibes. Top notch info

Clay, when dealing with these kinds of people that is what the INFJ door slam is for...I listen to on track INFJ subjects...and your info. Came up..thank for the detailed examples of toxic communication vs. Healthy Communication....INFJ compassion should be shared with deserving people..not users and abusers...i have no time for them...door slam and serious boundaries and just telling people NO and goodbye. INFJ care about people and spend alot time trying understand human nature...thank you for the wisdom and analysis.

As a infj Who has run in to a few narcissists I really like your videos. Thank you and keep up the good work.

In 2019 I was a victim of number 6, but with a twist. It was a public smear, but it was done so strategically it blew my mind. Basically this person knew certain things about me (hurtful thing, losses I had suffered), then exploited them on thier social media, but did it in such a way that I knew that they knew that I knew - yet few others actually knew it was about me directly. Yet people could keep coming to this thing and seeing it, laughing at it, ect so I knew that if I didnt get a handle on myself, I'd basically feel reviolated emotionally over and over. It was a very hard thing to go through, and this person made sure I knew it was about me with very specific details, and then proceeded to do it 3 times, but the first time was the worst. I agree it makes one stronger in the end if they choose that path. As you said here, we can learn to separate the deed they did from our self worth hanging on that. I am stronger now, but it was a baptism by fire going through that this fall. Also, forgiveness after an act like that from a so-called friend is hard, but I managed to do it. However, forgiveness is differant than going back and sticking my head in the lion's mouth again too. Boundaries are essential.

I've experienced gaslighting in the form of criticism where they made negative comments about things I had done but in an indirect way eg. Got my haircut. Response was 'oh, is it meant to be like that?' (Ignoring my happy expression) This is a double boost for the narcissist because then when I you call them on it it's always that you're crazy for thinking they are trying to be critical and also that you're nuts for believing you've achieved something. Never expect a narcissist to delight in your achievements.

Tkank you Clay that you exist. It let me keep my hope in healthy relationship between people😁

I honestly did not know I was being manipulated by my narcissistic family until I went to college and sought help from a counselor. Up to that point, my intuition knew that the dynamic was off somehow, but I didn't understand just how bad it was. I literally wrote down each type of manipulation from your vid and tried to remember examples from my life where gaslighting, reframing, hypocrisy, etc. occurred. It didn't make me feel as bad as it would have, say, a few months ago, but as an Aspie INFJ who is seeking empathy and reassurance from others, it stung to accept that my family could not provide this for me.

Best response for all of these is a strategic, without hesitation, solid smack in the mouth.

Your channel has steadily become my favorite KZfaq channel. Thank you again for sharing another useful and eye opening video!

Playing investigator is EXHAUSTING!

I had a passive aggressive friend that I just had to cut off, I felt bad for abruptly cutting the communication, but I knew if I asked her about it, she would gaslight me/lie about how she truly feels She just would not be for real no matter how many times I tried to bring the issue up I told her straight up one time "If you ever do not want to talk to me or don't want to be my friend you do not have to" and she's all " Oh no I do blah blah blah" but shed be doing the weird things not telling the whole truth, ignoring me, leaving bits and pieces out of the smallest things omg!!! then when i would do it back shes all "hey whats wrong" girl get the hell away from me. Like man I thank God I am allergic to the fake sh!

As an empath it was so difficult growing up and being so misunderstood. There were times I could literally see my family in what you were saying... it can be so lonely because you truly do not understand why you feel the things you do so deeply and my other seem not to notice nor care. I am so grateful today that I have such an understanding have the gifts that I have and what I I am honored to do for myself to be the person I am today⚘♥️⚘ to anyone reading this you're not alone no matter how alone you may feel. We now live in a Time where we can share our stories and build strength and find Value in one another. I am grateful to all of you for sharing your stories as that is what makes us also special and important🦋⚘

As a victim of a smear campaign, hearing your statement about “strength and decoupling self worth” is so validating. As I went through my trauma I always thought, I need to stay true to who I am, and trust what I’m feeling is right. In the end, the narcissist never really took credit for their faults (didn’t expect it-considering) But, I gained so much wisdom and strength. Mission accomplished. Thanks for another great video Clay!!

I think I am guilty of giving people the silent treatment. And that sarcasm too now that you’ve mentioned it haha... but I only resort to that type of passive aggressiveness when that person has done something absolutely terrible and continued to go down that path even after I give them a warning or tell them that they’re hurting me... then the door slam defense mechanism gets activated and it’s like they get shunned out of my memory and shoved out of my life without an explanation.

My mother played the victim. Even though she just died at 96 in aug 2020, she still lives in my head.

This video is great, full of real good examples and I can relate to most of them.I've been roped into all of it. if you show these people love and acceptance and humility when they wrong you, they treat your kindness as a weakness and ramp up their behaviour toward you, to take you down. you need to remove yourself at this point. It's not ghosting, but you can remove yourself lovingly to protect both parties from further abuse. If you lift the veil of all veils you see the subtle at work. The underlying energies that are behind what might appear as the overall game of Life, the polarities, positive and negative vibrations. How we all interact and act with people to essentially co-exist is a spectrum of positive and negative energy. The more acting you do to fit into a comfortable position and expectation in life, the more you're apt to be woven into the narrative of others. It requires introspection and the growth of your own guages in social interactions. We are all in this asylum together and the sooner everyone unites in the common goal of peace, we are going to be in cyclical combat. The underdog is the empath in terms of outward victories, but the empath lives richly within and that to me is more than enough in life. If we empathise with a narcassist, we see them trying too hard to be recognized on the outside, if only they can find themselves within they wouldn't be projecting onto others and gobbling them up as meals. I find that the more inward I go I get strength, then the wider my external threshold gets in terms of taking negativity and been indifferent to it.

Had a familial relation that was a narcissist. It was several levels deep and took me until I was in my 20s to get away. Even then, they managed to pull me back in, I believe had conditioned me in certain ways around them. Yeah. I definitely think number 8 should be its own thing.

I used to be naive about manipulation. Many times I didn't recognize when someone was trying to manipulate me because I don't operate in the same way. Now that I am older and wiser, I have an easier time recognizing a manipulator right off the bat, but I feel a little jaded. I get uncharacteristically judgemental and angry at someone who is trying to manipulate me. I view them as thieves trying to steal my niceness.

The testing behavior can be very manipulating too. Instead of stating their needs, they put you in a testing scenario to demonstrate whether you meet that need. My ex-narc would call me at the last minute and invite me out with her friends to drink and gamble in the evening without any advance notice, then would get upset with me if I didn't want to go out after a long day. I can't stand that form of passive-aggressive testing behavior.

Thank you so much for making this video! You help me a lot! Separating who you are from what others are telling you, that you should be or what you feel from what others tell you, that you should feel, is such a hard thing. It’s not even that long ago, that I figured out, something like this existed. I am 18 years old and I feel like I don’t know anything at all. I am just so thankful for people like you, who are sharing their knowledge and experiences. You are truly life saviors!

Right on Clay! What a great video! I hope a lot of people see this. Be prepared for the BPD community backlash as they never think they are the way are. My ex husband has Borderline Personality Disorder and would use ALL of these, 25 years of conditioning and mind games is a lot of work to unlearn. I have also learned a lot from Richard Grannon, he is such a wealth of knowledge!

Thank you for this. Conditioning can also be found as double binding and it's very damaging.

This video made me cry because that's all happened. And I was too much attached to see it for what it was.

Love this! I HV always be manipulated. As the middle child of 11 kids, I was invisible. As a teen PPL see my gifts and make you serve them. As an adult PPL see my servitude and tell me what I need to do for them. Empaths are often pushed around. I take it for a while. Then I'm done. I see I don't HV very many real friends. Seems like I'm on a one way street.always the giver. My marriage was like that. What I had to do for him. There was no real relationship. Like. Non paid hired hand!!

I’m a 17 year old INFJ and I’m just recently learning about boundaries. I kept asking myself why I keep attracting controlling people or toxic people all the time. I thought there was something wrong with me. I mean I do have some issues ngl but I won’t say I’m toxic.😂Now I know I just wasn’t firm enough and literally didn’t have any boundaries. It’s not something I was taught. I come from a house where my mother would walk into my bathroom and room without knocking first, ask for my password for devices, and go through my social media and texts, so you can see how I wouldn’t even know what boundaries were. I’m so happy I found your channel! Definitely subscribing 🥰❤️

Hi Clay! So, I've been identified in the MBTI test as infj. Just wondering if most infjs have also dealt with conflicts in the same way as i do -i usually shut down. Like i need that time and space to gather my thoughts around and process my emotions. I don't want to say anything that will hurt the other person and this comes off as 'silent treatment' to the other person i'm in conflict with. What are your thoughts on it, Clay? Is it healthy?

I guess this is like a part of some of the ones you mentioned, but I think one thing that is really stand out for me is when the person constantly changes, not that they change personality but that they change their attitude or opinions. I guess it is related to gaslighting in some ways. One thing I hate about this is that it leaves the other person on a constant guard of 'what will happen now' and like, never able to fully prepare for anything. An example would be if you are a couple and one person gets angry about dirty dishes, then you clean them and say sorry and they are like, 'don't worry about it I love you I didn't mean it' then when you make dinner together you leave the dishes again and the person get's angry again and you go like 'but you just said'... So I guess it is like gaslighting, but yeah, the constant change is a really good way always making someone in such a unstable state, that they never have time or energy to question the relationship..

Gas lighting is the worst and it's obvious and it's just an all out disgusting behavior. People who are narcissistic and passive aggressive tend to have all the behaviors that to me are dangerous.

Omg Clay, you ate always speaking my language. I love this.btw so I'm dyslexic and dyspraxic and empathic. I sometime do not remember conversation and when ppl revisit discussions I genuinely do not remember everything I say. I hope that doesn't come off as I'm doing daylighting.

Yes, yes! This is so true. I get tired of being criticized and manipulated by guilt trips I've begun to see these signs coming a mile away. Thank God, I'm all about being accountable for my shortcomings....because of my increased accountability, I can see unjust criticism, manipulation and hypocrisy. We either win or we learn. Lessons in everything and boundaries are key.

For me, gaslighting is the worst. I dealt with that big time in my last relationship. I don't ever want to experience that again. I didn't even know it had a name until towards the end of the relationship. I knew I wasn't loco but could not defend myself against his lies. Simply put, it was his word against mine. 👎

Happy new year Clay. From a Libra INFJ female to another INFJ fellow, it is a mark of maturity to deal with matters directly- I used to put up with a lot out of sheer empathy & getting others’ anxiety or difficulties to be forthcoming- that system resulted in imbalanced relations when people subconsciously start to expect more of what you offer.. & when your tides are high and storms are there,, they cannot be at peace with your experience of life as human ... This year I’m putting things more into prospective when it comes to boundaries- Where it comes to accessibility; and what type of time investments I make 😊 👍🏻 liked the presentation- u r not alone in this - thanks for putting this out there It is never late for other fellows to learn so they can have different prospectives and healthier relations All the best 👏🏻 👏🏻

when you just disconnect emotionally when someone is giving you the silent treatment

Thank you I sincerely enjoyed this. Listened twice today and will definitely listen again and again. Your observations and examples made me aware with a rude awakening how me as an INFJ get dragged into manipulation so fast it make my head spin. Learning to ba aware and setting boundaries you inspire me to become self aware and grow. Again thank you for the difference you make. Best wishes. Erika

Thank you for your video 🎯 when I made my circle small, things became clearer, narcissist 🏃‍♀️

I dated someone years ago that would use the silent treatment constantly to punish me. It was terrible living in the same house and sleeping in the sane bed. They wouldn't even acknowledge my existence. I never would know what it was I said or did to even upset him. I was constantly on egg shells just waiting for it to happen again. He had many other forms of manipulation, but this effected me the worst.

I'm keenly aware of signs of disrespect so I confront the disrespect immediately. Damn it feels good.

I have given the silent treatment in the past because I couldn't look at them. No passive aggressive involved.

I used to surrounded by tons of people exuding these behaviours, but thankfully they dumped me for not believing in the same 10 things as them

And when someone aggresively comfronts you about what someone else did indirectly blaming you for their actions.

Thank you Clay. You Have great timing for posting. You put into words so well to explain the craziness that it all causes in the head. Feel like I’ve lived this for almost 30 years and free for 6 months. Your help to people helps me to know others won’t go through the same. I appreciated the generalizations. And now I’m off to watch your boundaries video lol

Yes! No appetite for the manipulative drama. I tell my littles, “use your words” I don’t read minds.

It is even worse when ur parents do that.

I'm learning boundaries over gaslighting.. and people doing the behaviours as you described.. Hurts when its someone you trusted and use your past against you.. With gaslighting u question your self so much, so pleased to say no more..and see your own worth.

I’ve been wise to some of these for a long time and don't fall for their fishing for cache, nor will I serve them anymore. But I have been at the mercy of many a smear campaign starting with my own extended birth family-- (the narc king disapproved of my very presence on this earth), which is also gaslighting. I now know how to handle self-righteous, self-protective Christians too -- don't blame myself and walk away without looking back. What narcs get out of it is their own fleeting sense of elevation-- they're desperate. I've been tongue-tied about speaking my truth in public for over 50 years-- just learning how-- because of my own paranoia. So of course it turns out most people don't know how I actually think because they're left to assume that I think like them or like what they've heard-- not really their fault. My rule is to meet people where they are. I feel almost too bold nowadays talking about myself and my viewpoint, but this is how people will know me and not their idea of me-- I feel more free than I ever have. I see things so differently than most-- I'm pollyanna awake (not woke)-- I'm working for God and the future is bright. Btw I've found some of this information in my astrology chart, such as my south node/ketu in the 6th H shows I have to deal with enemies from the past in my everyday life🙄 but ultimately I win😅

This one video covers all my studies of narcissists's tactic what I have studied last 7years.

Enlightening from beginning to end!

wow, this is so on point. Crazy, some of this goes on and i just realised that sometimes i don't even see it for what it is. Manipulation is especially cruel when they know it totally bothers us that something isn't getting resolved, like the kind of thing that keeps us up at night. An argument is such a stone in my shoe, want it resolved as soon as possible, but authentically.

You're GOLD!

I used to have friends who guilt trip for not talking to them enough when I’m the one who sends a text most of the time it used to drive me insane now when someone do it I just laugh and cut them off slowly cause I don’t tolerate bs anymore

You are truly amazing!! I stumbled across one of your INFJ vids.. a defining moment in my life. After beating myself up and replaying my entire life over and over, picking thru moments to find out why. Why I have had only narcissistic, toxic relationships? and why is it when I try to explain myself or try to convey something I'm either shut down or completely misunderstood.. I'm honest I'm fair I don't cheat or steal , can't stand drama or conflict.. yet I seem to be in the middle of it in trouble or arrested!? I was arrested for domestic battery 3 times!!! for calling the police in fear for my life.. I've always felt out of place but being arrested for my psychopath malignant narcs crimes on me, I feel like I've lost youch with reality.. my mind can't accept that this as really happening.. it's too much for one to bare.. I went thru hell only to be brought in front of the courts for something he cowardly he did to me and prove my innocence!! Him the VICTIM and me the abuser.. it's beating the true victim all over again.. it's killing me... I can't move on as long as I have to go to court. Stuck in Purgatory thats where I am.. I am completely alone due to his smear campaigns, he is pure evil and he won't stop until I'm gone... why is it the narcissistic gets away with everything ? The truth nowadays no one wants to hear.. what is an honest person supposed to do? I have tried to lie and shut down emotionally.. I can't and be because of that his lies win. I can't make sense of why this is happening..it's too crazy.. ty for being something positive in my life while surrounded by negativity..

Thanks for more useful information & advice 🌻🌻🌻

Sounds like my entire family which is why I barely speak to them anymore

I refused to admit my family was dysfunctional committing all the manipulation techniques you talk about. Sadlyy I fell into alcoholism until I realized through education and counseling alcohol was a secondary disease to cover up the mistreatment. I tried to continue with the closer family members but the gaslighting, passive aggression, and guilt-tripping they continued was too much and I ended up removing the last family member out of my life. Now I have only one friend, an infp, and Shilo, my granddaughter's dog who I rescued because no one wanted him anymore.

Picard; “There are Four Lights!!!” 😈

Whew, this is laid out so clearly. I recognize a lot of former people during my life! Many narcissists. Now they're ghosted and it makes them crazy. Karma! :) ty!!

It's my family member..... I experience every single thing from my father. I was very traumtized since.... I didn't know how can I explain what I experience when I teenager......

Ppl w/ a BPD diagnosis have issues w/ boundaries.. If they were taught this and worked on it the second they were diagnosed, they wouldn't appear to be manipulative because they are not actually trying to manipulate people. People with BPD are taught a lot about DBT which helps you control your emotions but I really think more of an emphasis on boundaries needs to be done. I was raised by a narcissist. So, the manipulative accusation has always really bothered me. Manipulation is what made so crazy. People with bpd may make you feel manipulated because of their emotional dumping but if they are not being rude to you, then they are most likely just trying to get basic needs that were not met when developing. The thing is most people with bpd have attachment disorders and were never TAUGHT boundaries. Personally, I was raised by a narc and NARCs strongly benefit from people having no boundaries. So with that in mind, OF COURSE people with borderline personality disorder are going to be used to a very messed up way of communicating that benefits no one except a narcissist because those are the only people that want to deal with a borderline and it's because they can easily manipulate them. Empaths also have issues with boundaries which attracts narcs. But an empath with boundaries isn't going to get much attention from a narc. Whoo! Same thing goes for people with BPD! Start setting those boundaries and you start setting yourself free.

Thank You For Sharing Ur Videos Are So Incredibly Helpful.I Have Learned Alot From Ur Videos

Unfortunately know all too well how cruel these manipulative strategies feel... Both my parents are narcissts father is a covert and mother is an overt (grandiose). Such torturous conditioning. Art was always my form of escaping the crazymaking daily scene. These videos are so to the point on characterizing and identifying these individuals methods. Mr Arnall Thank you very much for all the light you shine on these sensitive issues. 🌈💗

No one can punish me for how they feel, people are so weird oh my goodness lol Thanks Mr. Clay you are very knowledgeable may God bless you

The terms Gaslighting and Public Shaming resonated with me personally. As an empath i fell victim to the lies and manipulation of a colleague in a previous job. When asked by said person to allow them to do a task normally reserved for trained and experienced staff, supervisors and above i followed HSE standards and voiced my concerns to the company i was working for at the time. Then out of the blue i was accused of sexist behavior. I was following HSE guidelines but this fell on deaf ears with the company who demanded that i make a formal apology to the woman and her female friends. I refused and then judged by my peers and company for gross misconduct. I was forced to work off site in an office, shamed daily by my peers and management until forced out of my chosen profession due partly to the negative emotion surrounding me on a daily basis. I later found out that i had been blacklisted from all the other sector companies in the UK. I questioned my sanity and personality and fell into a deep depression. Years later i still feel anger and resentment for being manipulated by a narcissist.

I find I only confront issues with people if we are quite close. If someone from work offends me, I might try once to explain to them that what they did or said was hurtful to me, but if it continues, I try to just go silent or rug sweep in order to disengage. I don’t typically see a point in going deep in my feelings and showing vulnerability to someone by communicating my feelings overtly, unless the person is already pretty close to me and doing so won’t disrupt any kind of group dynamic. Maybe that’s due to my extroverted feeling, I’m not trying to add to any group awkwardness by confrtoning a situation and I would rather just move on

gaslighting can be really insidious. I know someone, an ex friend, who tries to constantly turn the tables on others to make it seem like they are the person being hurt instead of the other way around. This gaslighter will do something that is kind of hurtful, like puposely trying to make their parnter jealous(i've seen them do this). If they get called out for their bad behavior they will deny they intentionally tried to hurt anyone and then make the other person look bad for calling them out, for example denying purposely trying to make the partner jealous and accusing the partner of being a crazy and jealous for no good reason. They do this over and over, and it sets up a pattern of bad behavior from other people in their lives that doesn't actually exist. People can start to believe they are the hurtful ones in the relationship/friendship if their partner is constantly 'proving' that they are the hurtful person.

Sometimes conditioning is merely the threat of making a public scene. It's obvious how they learn that through supermarket tantrums.

This was painful to watch because it forced me to relive my past, which speaks to the truth in this video. I became part of the smear campaign of a covert narcissist against a friend who left her. Once I figured her out, I left, and she started a smear campaign against me! She had absolutely everybody else fooled in the social community we used to go to together. It was a very valuable lesson to learn that it wouldn't kill me to be disliked by the masses.

Hi. I'm a new subscriber and just want to say I really appreciated the first video I watched about passive aggression. For me it illuminated the intentional nature of behaviors I was being gaslit into believing were unintentional. That question rolled around in my head for too long, even though after years of no contact it didn't much matter anymore. I want to comment on "the silent treatment" though. Sometimes I would have to resort to this because a seriously disordered person just wouldn't stop word salad spewing nonsense and trying to suck me in, when I needed to focus on something else. The content would at least start out fairly benign; it was just blatant attention seeking. But after asking for her to stop, multiple times, to no avail, I 'd have to just go silent myself. Any response at all just fed into the dynamic and seemed to encourage it. I wasn't staying quiet to punish or manipulate; but as the only way I could not participate in her little show. It was the only way I could assert my boundary under some circumstances. Basically between a grey rock and a hard place. Oh, and also, I think Richard's milkshake analogy is meant to indicate narcissistic supply. The emotional and all other forms of energy (self worth, autonomy) sucked out of one like delicious creamy yum through a straw. I do remember him also admonishing listeners to look at mutual milkshake slurping...co-idealization? Codependency? Glad to have stumbled in here.

Oh, to watch KZfaq and realise you've been growing up surrounded by close family using a solid handful of manipulation techniques on you 🙃 This is really making me think, though, as I'm training my mom's puppy and reading animal behaviour books. Conditioning, your last type, happens all of the time, for both humans and non-human animals. Giving praise could be a form of conditioning. We all "manipulate" everyone around us all of the time, in the sense that we behave in certain ways to make others behave in certain ways. For example: I know my grandmother can generalise and feel like people are taking advantage of her, so if I want something, I always make sure I explicitly ask her for her consent. Because I don't want to take her for granted, and I don't want her to become upset. I seek a harmonious relationship, and I know how to get it with her. This is a form of manipulation; of using my own behaviour to influence someone else's behaviour. I'm manipulating my mom's puppy to sleep on his own through clicker training and positive reinforcement; every time he lies down quietly in his crate, he gets a click and treats. It's like asking children to do something and then praising/rewarding them afterwards by saying nice things that they want to hear, that motivate them. So what worries and confuses *me* is how I can differentiate between manipulation that is okay and acceptable, and manipulation which is toxic and abusive? Like, what are the criteria for toxic and abusive behaviour or manipulation techniques? I can feel that there's a common inexplicit thread in your video, but I can't quite grasp it.

Really like this episode. These are behaviors I grew up with…I had Narcissistic parents In different areas of the spectrum. Father was an in your face type, mother covert. Interestingly enough, my mother was the most skilled at these behaviors. I found this episode especially refreshing because in my experience I’m usually the only one in the room that recognizes these behaviors. Consequently I avoid my family, …. 😂

My ex narc used the last tactic except that it wasn't shoes it was my character... He forced me to admit that I was sleeping around when I wasn't. He said that if I admitted everything he was accusing me of he'd stay with me and there would be no fights again.. So I did but he left me for another woman and then threatened that he would use the texts where I admitted everything to show people who I really was. I still can't get over all the hurt

wow the whole conditioning thing makes so much sense! A revelation

Soooooo true!!! The abusers pose as the victim once they are found out! It’s used to fool the next person...

this is such a huge help, i been watching every video youve posted! thank you clay.

One thing my ex would do after an argument is pretend everything is fine say come give me a hug. And the hug from him felt like I was being wrapped by a Python snake to squeeze the life out of something/someone.

Thank you...

...passive aggressiveness is sabotage-like. Causing harm without being disposed (vulnerable)

It is true that public shaming kind of make you stronger. My ex used that and the victim card after our separation and now I am better for it.

I think silent treatment for me can also be about embarrassment. I have definitely given the silent treatment in my life for various reasons - but not out of pure maliciousness. Maybe in my early 20s, I could tell I was trying to punish someone over their poor behaviour. But, as I've gotten older, I see I do it out of a lot of embarrassment. I don't know how to come to the other person and ask to settle our differences. It's extremely embarrassing to me. So, poor communication skills there. Never taught as a child. However, I do believe my communication skills are getting way better the last few years. My narcissistic ex used to call me a narcissist because he read narc's use silent treatment as punishment. But, with him, I was doing it because I was under such an extreme load of stress and bewilderment to the point that I couldn't even speak any more! I was at a loss of words because my situation was so completely confusing. So, what I'm trying to get across is ... I don't think someone going silent is always a malicious form of manipulation. Sometimes it can honestly just be embarrassment, or a lack of words to communicate. In which case, it is super beneficial that the other person come to this silent person and kindly open up communication! I love that!! I need to be prompted in a safe environment. But I am learning to also now take the initiative!!

thank you so much for this wonderful video♥