Well-known divorce attorney here. The ability to recognize and avoid getting into a relationship with a narcissist will save you a trip to my office (and likely a therapist’s office). Get educated. Be informed. Vet a potential partner very carefully.

They brag about their niceness and good morals. And at the same time, they are totally unaware of their dark feelings. They are scary and dangerous. They are incapable of being introspective.

They talk negatively about their closest friends behind their backs.

#10 when you anticipate interactions with them, you begin to feel anxious and/or a subtle sense of dread. It is immediate, and you may not even understand the cause. After interactions, you are drained and down. You're relieved it's over and you may feel kind of dirty or used.

Guilt trips, blame, half truths, twisted words, answering your questions with questions, fits of unexpected rage when it comes to your feelings...they’ll suck the life right outta you, blame YOU for it and you’ll still seem like the insane one.

There is plausible deniability, so you can't find evidence that it's done to hurt you: 1) Silent treatment 2) No eye contact 3) Withholds praise, attention, love and sex 4) Talks to everybody else but ignores you 5) Super kind to everybody else outside the home but ice cold toward you at home 6) Never interested to hear what you have to say 7) Calls you addicted to drama and pretends to be the victim when you want to solve a situation between you 8) Stares at other women/men but accuses you of being jealous or downright deny it when you point it out 9) "Forgets" to hold the self closing door for you, so that it slams right in your face

1. Entitlement 2. Exploitativeness 3. Insecurity 4. Emotional reactivity 5. Self doubt Just run, run like hell.

“They overlook you.” That is a great statement. Once I notice someone who starts designing a friendship or relationship with me without ever inquiring on my perspective or personal philosophy I know I’m in a bad spot. Someone having a sweeping assumption about me without asking many questions is a serious red flag.

Here are mine: 1) don't listen/interrupt you and/or walk away while you're in mid-sentence. 2) gossips 3) shames & guilt trips + constant disapproval and complaining 4) passive aggressive - backhanded compliments or backhanded sympathy - backstabbing 5) SHALLOW 6) only cries if being held accountable/called out - never out of genuine compassion or empathy 7) STINGY with everything - money, genuine compliments, kindness, affection 8) MANIPULATIVE even when honesty and assertiveness would work just fine 9) CRITICAL - of everyone but themselves and negative/ungrateful - never happy

My ex would do things like: text me “I’m not ignoring you, I’m at Home Depot.” Me receiving a text, scratching my head, because I am perfectly content; and, no feelings at all of being ignored. I text back something like, “no worries”...but wonder why he is a Home Depot. I text again, asking why is he there, and he responds he is working on a project. Two hours of back and forth and a zillion questions, I finally find out he is at Home Depot buying lumber to make benches for his farm table. Now, a standard person would say that from the get go; but the covert narcissist, intentionally dribbles out unsatisfactory answers, trapping me into asking more questions, which makes me appear needy, and obsessive. Trapping me into a dialogue I didn’t seek, want or need. To make it worse, one last text from me, asking how he got all of that lumber in his car. His answer is: he and “his friend” used his friend’s SUV. Again, setting me up...what friend? Like, who doesn’t just say: “Going to Home Depot with Bill...” So, not only do I get accused of being jealous; but, because the ex was talk texting, “Bill” listens to a one sided conversation, draws conclusion that I’m needy and smothering, and my ex narc setting me up to look bad all along. What is that called other than lying? Manipulation? Gaslighting? Does anyone know? Has anyone experienced this from a covert narc?

1) Treat you as if you were the person they'd been waiting for since they were born 2) Propose after a month or so. Once you're in their net 3)Never stand up for you 4)Make hurtful jokes 5)Belittle you 6)Barge in a conversation when it's not about them 7)Give the silent treatment 8)Lie about everything 9)Never take accountability, not even when they're caught red-handed.

1. Humble-bragging Make themselves seem important without being boastful 2. Over-virtuous - lots of advice, overlook your feelings, no empathy 3. friendly with little real follow-through. When they leave you never hear from them again 4. Eager to hear about your problems but won’t talk about theirs, collect data to feel superior 5. They’re unable to engage deeply with people that are different from them, control mentality, 6. No Curiosity about others’ beliefs, hidden judgement 7. Time management of their own nature, procrastinate or are late everywhere, lack of coordination with others 8. Constantly wondering how they come across with others, have to have extra pats on the back 9. They don’t want to receive feedback from you even if it’s valid. I recognize this behaviour, thank you.

This information makes me want to be a better person. Thick patterns of narcissism run through my family. No doubt even though I'm definitely the odd man out, I recognise elements of them rubbed off on me. Ewww. Going to work on that! I get to decide who I want to be, and it's not that! Thank you.

Narcissist epidemic at the times we're living in. Full of insecure, jealous and envious people in the world, it's crazy!

When you tell them a sad, funny, crazy or astonishing story and you get NO reaction. Not a wow, omigod, really, you're kidding, that's nuts, or even a simple laugh at the appropriate places in the story.

One year with my Covert Narcissist/Dismissive Avoidant: MONTH one : Great MONTH two : Greater MONTH three : Fabulous (heavy love bombing starts/mirroring.) MONTH four : Heaven (I love you.) MONTH five : Seventh heaven. MONTH six : Mask starts to come off (devaluing starts.) Love bombing abruptly stopped. MONTH seven : full devalue/dismissive behavior, refusal to talk about issues by ignoring, silent treatment, she would just look away and it seemed I magically disappeared, aloofness, very strange behavior that you would not believe until it happens to you. It's like they want you in the same house, but in different rooms. MONTH eight : discard phase begins, distancing/lying begins (tons of gaslighting also), begins sabotaging relationship by no longer putting in ANY effort. One sided relationships are not fun at all, so yes, you can be in a relationship and still feel lonely. MONTH nine : VERY passive/aggressive in nature, not a care in the world, lying clearly shows. MONTH ten : Doesn't even call anymore. MONTH eleven : Everything is my fault. MONTH twelve : I left her for good, NO contact at all, PERIOD. She did want to remain friends on social media. I blocked her. MONTH thirteen : I sought therapy and learned words about the Covert Narcissist I never even knew before. MONTH fourteen : Her; closure letter mailed to me, but, she'd like me to respond (Hoovering) Me; NO contact. I'm done with the mind games. Can anybody else relate to this mind boggling behavior?

From my perspective... 1. They always want to be seen as the victim/ martyr/ hero. They'll be full of stories to impress this image on whomsoever will listen. 2. They always need rescuing, create problems which need solving, create tension, drama and chaos over everything 3. They pretend to be humble and benevolent 4. They manipulate people using the other's sense of sympathy and pity, criticism and intimidation 5. They're highly passive aggressive 6. They're subtly sabotaging 7. They have short tempers and can get overtly aggressive and even violent if their covert operations aren't working 8. They coerce and control by disapproval, disappointment, discouragement, devaluation 9. They do what they can to prevent their children from picking up life skills 10. They're never happy with anything their scapegoats/ victims do. 11. They can find the bad in the good. Even if they won the lottery they could find reasons why that is a terrible thing. Nothing will ever be good enough. 12. They will do subtle things to show disrespect, like spoiling posed for photographs (important to the victims) by making faces etc. 13. They will always lament about the perceived bad stuff in their lives, and never be grateful or show true happiness for anything good. 14. If you buy a new appliance or change something around the house they will mentally say "challenge accepted", to destroy/ undo that and other items and changes over time and sometimes quite directly. 15. They'll constantly withdraw support for family/ couple activities, won't support the victims in their endeavours, never compliment, never praise, praise only if in order to triangulate and put down a 3rd party. 16. They put their toxic guilt and shame onto the victims. 17. Very scheming and deceptive. Always looking for their benefit. 18. Always make excuses as to why they can't listen to you or resolve something. 19. Always have illogical justifications for their actions. 20. Are very hypocritical. Of course some of these overlap with overt narcs.

They also put themselves down hoping you will contradict them - a subtle "humble" way of fishing for compliments - false humility.

My ex liked to praise me and the kids to other people but invalidated our accomplishments in private

#6 - lack of curiosity about you. It’s difficult to share with a covert narcissist because there’s no active listening when speaking to them. When people talk, it’s natural to ask questions and provide prompts to further the conversation. I’ve found when the tables are turned and I finally take a moment to share what’s happening in my life, it’s silence on their end. If they do respond, it’s usually to turn the conversation back to them. For years I thought my lack of sharing was due to the lack of drama in my life, but later realized I knew all the details of their life and they knew very little about mine.

Blame shifting, zero empathy, and yes! Collecting data to feel superior

Walks into a room and greets everyone except you and their best party trick - keeping you waiting and waiting and waiting

Best way to deal with a narcissist is to total block them out of your life. Nothing good comes from associating with these types of people.

As humans (not narcissists), many of us are brought up to see the good, help others, forgive, give everyone a chance or two, don't judge blah blah blah, etc etc. People, PLEASE protect your peace. It is helpful to know the signs, but if you see them and still let these entities into your life, they will destroy you. God gave you discernment, two ears and two eyes for a reason❤︎

No curiosity means a hidden sense of judgment towards you!

My guesses: 1) subtle, but persistent love bombing; 2) inauthenticity, have no original ideas of their own; 3) sneaky, deceptive behavior; 4) frequently lie; and 5) they can’t manage their emotions and are often paranoid and/or insecure. But we’ll see what Dr. Carter says.

He asked me, "Why are you always happy? I realized then that it REALLY bothered him to see me smile. 3 years after leaving, I'm smiling all the time.

1. Criticizes indirectly. Starts sentence with, " I just say some people do......" The some people, they are talking about is you. 2. Conversations are always about them. I once asked my husband what the women did for a living he had just had an half an hour conversation with. He didn't have a clue. 3. May criticize you behind your back to his or her friends and family. 4. Doesn't experience fear, sadness, joy, or grief...only experiences anger. 5. Is very respectful and peaceful..until you call them on behavior 6. Tells everyone except you...how wonderful you are. 7. Never puts in any real efforts for your birthday or other occasions. 8. Never thanks people. (This one I found especially odd....and later telling) 9. Never apologizes....never.

Id like to add from some groups that I've seen : 1) Extreme Immaturity ("wrestling" with others like a teen), poking people, "teasing " constantly . 2) (Entitled) -dismissive or downright rude to anyone "less than" them (Waitstaff, ex's, (IF your around-otherwise the ex is still in play and told YOUR horrible) 3) They will make "corrections" OFTEN (CONSTANTLY criticize)..especially at the end. 4) Triangulation with ex's, strangers, family and friends. (whichever gets more of a "rise" out of you) 5) Baiting -pushing buttons only THEY know affect you- then will bring you out in public (then will flip out when you react to the baiting you've been silently enduring ) 6) SECRET smear campaigns (you wont know until YEARS later (early signs are people not looking directly at you, watching you "funny" or you suddenly feel a "shift" in how they see you) 7) YOUR illness and injury...... are looked upon as opportunities to "play". 8) Extreme text or calling in the beginning (watch for if they are in other provinces or states (its to keep fantasy and reality APART) (Love bombing) 9) (Discard) then all of a sudden will drop off communication alarmingly one day ( without explanation) - (making YOU try harder (but they are already onto another sources (which is the REAL REASON WHY you don't hear from them) 10) Secrecy with communication- computers and cell phones (MASSIVE FLAG) Phone face down, or never goes off (Even worse) 11) Increased Desensitization with Sexualization- will begin with a rush BUT eventually turns into ONLY their wants and desires (no kissing/cuddling/hand holding)(which are usually shame based acts and become more and more deviant as time goes by) 12) Daily excessive pornography use (FLAG FLAG FLAG FLAG FLAG) HIDING or lying about extent or even viewing porn use. Saying "all guys watch it this much every day, its like a NEWSPAPER to me! " (Nope they don't) 13) You will no longer be taken out WITH them -they will now go "solo" (and disappear for longer and longer "Store" trips or to see "family" (who now are HELPING them - because they think YOU are such a horrible person) -- and eventually you will look around to find no more friends and family standing. 14) CONTROL/Finances: Concentration on a job or income becomes almost impossible as the games and manipulations increase. YOUR money is THEIR money and their money is THEIR money . 15) GHOSTING - At some point they will create "space" for all the side lives . Typically they seem to have about 3-20 strangers or ex's they will REGULARLY talk to - that have no idea your still together (ALWAYS talk to an ex or check out what they are saying) FLAG if you cant just pop into their home they LIVE in or call them nights and weekends. 16) If you come upon them in a group - they will look shocked and like they don't "recognize you" (COMPARTIMENTALIZATION)--- (then either will pull you away quickly ignoring THEM or look annoyed and continue talking to the group while ignoring YOU) 17) Outrageously and obviously flirting with or watching others when with you (to the point others will mention it) You will then be labeled "controlling" or "insecure" for being rightfully indignant at the blatant disrespect. 18) They typically look healthy and full and the other partner will begin to look worn, dull, to thin or to big , and probably jumpy or cranky.

Being with a covert is SO bad that I often find myself wishing I had an overt in place of the covert so that my trauma would've been easier to identify and heal.

1) Talks endlessly about themselves, but has a 30-second tolerance for listening to you. 2) Interrupts your story so often, it takes you four times longer to get through it. 3) Compliments a person and immediately follows up with how much better they are than that person. 4) NEVER asks other people questions about themselves. 5) Shows undue fondness for people who compliment them. 6) Hyper aware of their status in every situation. 7) Expects you to be keenly interested in their life, but does not reciprocate. 8) Views compliments you express about other people as personal threats and reacts with rage and anger. 9) Even the noteworthy events in your life only serve as an opening to turn the conversation back to themselves.

Do they ask you more than 1 question in a row about yourself? No. Do they empathise when you express feelings? No. Do they compliment you? No. Do they get upset if you disagree with them? Yes Do the admit mistakes? No. Do they blame you? Yes. Do the withhold information because they are afraid? Yes. Do they meltdown when they dont get what they want? Yes. = narcissist.

If it wasn't for you, I would've ended up in a very unhappy relationship. Therefore, I MUST say thank you so much, Dr., for sharing this information with us 🙏🏿 💜

I always find it interesting that my covert narc is the first to complain about being interrupted and that no one listens to him yet that is exactly what he does. Actually whatever he complains about is really a version of what he does to others. That and being an expert in the silent treatment and pretending problems do not exist and redirecting the conversation back to something that involves him or his childhood. It’s amazing how many things he thinks are similar to a story involving his childhood. He always goes back to a past event.

The entire subject of narcissism is so complex that it makes my head spin. It was so difficult for me to actually determine what type of narcissism that I was dealing with. So, I just addressed the actions. I was clearly involved in a toxic family relationship. It was clear that it was emotionally killing me. I knew I had to go, regardless of why these things were happening.

The only way to win them is avoiding a direct conversation with them yet threatening them indirectly that you will expose their deeds to everyone. The fear of being exposed is what makes them crazy

They need the adulation of strangers. They would rather have praise from someone they don't know. They also will put you down in a peculiar, unexpected way to strangers leaving you wondering why that was important to them.

From my 26 years living with a cov narc: 1. Puts partner down to elevate themselves. 2. Encourages children to criticise the other parent. 3. Embarrasses partner in front of others (only those whose opinion the cn doesn’t value) 4. Allows their family to put down the partner (re education status, current job) 5. Has no real friends, just work colleagues and those who can provide a needed service. 6. Anniversaries and birthdays are overlooked or minimised. 7. Enjoys partner waiting on them and never offers praise. 8. Coercive when trying to get what they want, chronic lying. 9. Silence. Doesn’t engage in small talk. And a few more subtle signs ! 1. Doesn’t tend to smile and engage with strangers in a social setting, at the shops. 2. Is incapable of just having fun for fun’s sake, never enjoys a laugh with their partner. 3. Focuses all attention on their children and ignores partner. 4. Has no interest in other people’s children. 5. Expects others to plan social events, holidays. 6. Doesn’t see the value in pets (sorry Gus). 7. Treats partner as an indentured slave. 8. Questions partner’s version of reality. 9. Dislikes partner being able to do things that they perceive are their domain. I could go on :)

My sister is a covert. She can tell you a story about something that's going on in her life, and in the same story, shes the victim and the hero of the story. Its bizarre.

"Relationships in a meaningful way" --- that is exactly what was missing from our 25 year marriage. It broke my spirit, wounded my soul and left me feeling small and worthless...UNTIL I had a name for it! Now I am little by little, and sometimes big leaps, moving into my real life. I am leaving the life that I allowed to be constructed by my Narcissist. I have (with symptoms very similar to bad drug withdrawal) left him and find myself doing things he wouldn't allow. I got my first Christmas Tree in 26 years this year! My 18 & 19 year old sons had their first stockings! I use whatever bowl, dish or cup I want without being told which is for what! I realized when I left that I had a hard time leaving the house to go anywhere without checking in with him. Now I just GO! I ride the waves of happy, sad and meh. I have a long term plan but I'm working to be in the moment & living to sundown tomorrow. No more overloading!

Can't stop talking , usually about themselves .2. Always helpful usually towards other before thier family.3. Happy go lucky unless there is a problem to solve 4. Silence aometimes for days if not weeks.5. Unable to have a serious conversation. I could go on. Oh and lack of responsibility. Childish . extra extra. 😉

My narcissist is giving me the silent treatment for Christmas for being frustrated at work and, wait for it, having feelings about it that she became aware of. MY feelings caused HER to have a bad day.

1) Finds passive-aggressive ways to lower your self-esteem through loaded questions and backhanded "compliments" 2) When you bring up a topic or event they won't hold themselves accountable for they just don't respond and go silent 3) If told that they hurt you, they want it to be to known it is actually you who hurt them, and you should actually be sorry 4) Tries to make you jealous and tries harder if you don't seem sufficiently offended 5) Makes comments about acts and gestures they want you to perform for them, but will not reciprocate those acts and will still find ways to complain about your gratitude not meeting their needs 6) Pretends to be very socially aware, kind and caring - but only actually cares about preserving those optics so they can harm, manipulate, and coerce while being continually given the benefit of the doubt 7) Acts oblivious to the way they behave and if they do ever apologize it is in the context of "I didn't know it would come across that way" 8) Showers you in affection if they sense you are slipping away, withholds affection if you are getting too close 9) Makes up events and details so they can be disappointed with you for "not remembering" things that never actually happened (smirks when you feel bad for being "unobservant") 10) Gets off on your groveling. Is sexually attracted to you putting yourself down, praising them, or self-sacrificing to please them.

Covert narc's are very slick. They appear wonderful to everyone else, except the target. Everyone always told me how much my husband loved me...but if so, why didn't I feel that way? He practically ignored me. I felt insignificant, non-existent when I was with him. He never touched me in a loving way. He mirrored my touch when we hugged. It was so unnatural. I felt touch-deprived. He was an odd person... anytime I asked a question, he would answer me with the exact question. I never got answers bc I was too busy defending myself. The pattern of narcissism was like clockwork: love bombing, control, invalidating, gaslighting, seeking new supply, flying monkeys, discard...then ghost or Hoover...

Sometimes they DO come to you and want to discuss their "problems," for attention. "Poor little me, I've had it so rough lately." No, you just want people to feel sorry for you! A heavy martyr streak is common in covert narcs.

My mother exhibits most of these. Some days it's so hard dealing with her; I've decided I need to do what's right for me and as long as I'm being kind to her, taking care of myself first is my priority.

I asked my covert narc husband of 10+yrs of being married. How come when I cry you never want to give me a hug or just pat on the back and say it's ok? He says, why do you make yourself cry?!😂🤣🤣😂😂🤣😂...I feel like I'm in a relationship with a rock! I think a mime would be more attentive!😁

🤔 Lets's see: 1. You'll catch them smirking when something "bad" happens to you 2. Lies like a school child & when caught will deny & even laugh 3. Doesn't like pets & have no regard if they accidently step on their paws. 4. Doesn't like children 5. Will give you the silent treatment even when you're in the same room 6. Always the victim & blame others for their own shortcomings 7. No sense of humor 8. Unable to socialize 9. Unable to have healthy & lengthy relationships 10. Jealous & envious 11. Immature & child like mentality. 12. Looks up to superheroes. 13. Pretends to be religious/spiritual 14. Perverted minds

Colleagues who pretend to be friends but have an agenda , the agenda is all about themselves . What an eye opener. Thanks a lot . Always had my doubts but could never pin point it

The one about time management is often overlooked. I was expected to drop whatever I was doing at any time of the day because he needed....? It has only been recently that I was aware this was a manipulation technique. ( Me) “Can we do that chore at 6:00 am before it gets too hot?” “ No, I don’t want to get up that early.... (later) .... Hey, I need a hand out here!” (It’s 12 noon and 98*). Thanks Doc for your help. It is over.

They love overlooking you until you show you are more than capable of the same things as them if not even more, and they get angry and start throwing a tantrum once you stand up to their game. Then they give you the silent treatment.

I need to say that for friendliness without follow through.... This can be a sign of social anxiety. I have this sometimes and it really doesn’t mean I don’t care about the other person when I don’t follow through, for me it’s just that I sometimes feel nervous to reach out. If I don’t hear from them I wonder if I’m too mushy and they’re secretly weirded out by me. 🥳 Also I like to be completely present if I’m asking someone else about their life, so if I have a lot going on I won’t reach out because I’d rather be absent then give the illusion of presence when my mind is actually far away or not focused on attuning to the other person. Probably a good way to tell the difference is to see if they receive you well when you do reach out and maybe if they apologize about being busy or overwhelmed. People with social anxiety are pretty easily overwhelmed so don’t judge based on this trait alone!

My sister falls into the Covert spectrum very nicely. Victimhood, putting people on guilt trips, treating people as "other" and beneath her if their points of view differ from hers (she has done that to me all our lives). There has always been a shallowness that I started picking up on as a teen.

1. Fake happy or sad for you 2. Boasts how others made them feel special 3. Cries crocodile tears 4. Always comparing and jealous of others 5. Counts others blessings 6. Tries to use you and gets upset if you don’t let them 7. Steal others ideas and pretends it’s theirs 8. Super unoriginal 9. Gossips 10. Others misfortune makes them excited and happy 11. Uses sex for favors etc 12. Thinks that they’re better than others but knows that isn’t true so constantly seek validation 13. Always fishing for a compliment by saying how old and ugly they’re to get you to say “no, you’re not ugly and not too old”

Subtle manipulation like a slow dripping tap

Got to love the thumbs down ! 13 disgruntled narcissists watched this video so far. Thank you once again for a very helpful video.

I had a covert narcissist as my manager and she hated it if anyone liked me or complimented me, especially if she was present. If I did something better than her, she immediately declared that she might as well quit trying and just go home. She also withheld information from me, such as a complimentary report/award from our supervisor or the need for me to work extra shifts or attend a required meeting. She also never told me that I was working long enough shifts to have earned a 15 minute break, so I never got a chance to sit down for even a minute during my work day. After serving her loyally for 12 years, I moved to a different position and she has refused to speak to me for more than 5 years now.

I'm just learning about the covert narcissist. When I met my mother in law, the first thing she told me was to leave her son alone because he has to study and become an engineer(I was also studying) We've been married 20 years and she still treats me strangely. She has also done things I feel are questionable. She always mentioned how her children's spouses were not good enough for her children. (A punch in the gut). She always puts others down and talks about how high class she is. She has mentioned how she doesn't want to see anyone, only her kids, and when they get together without the spouses, she is so happy and says "I am so happy I am with my family. She always puts me down in subtle ways when we are together like making me feel really uncomfortable and always making herself the center of attention. When I speak with her she always makes it seem like I am below her or just acts in a way I can't point my finger, but I can't connect with her. It feels like she is toying with me. Whenever she meets a man, she disappears and doesn't want her kids to bother her, but when she is alone, she constantly guilts her kids into paying attention to her. She has told her kids she will never go into a residnence and her kids will take care of her when she is old. I bought her a plant once and she literally told me "I never asked you to buy me a plant." The other day I was sharing my son's graduation photos and she said that my husband and son are wonderful and purposely didn't include me. When I put a boundary she gets angry. She often does this when my husband is there and he says nothing. Recently he did say something when I mentioned a cake I made and wanted to share with my sister in law and she intervened saying her daughter also makes better cakes than me. She always makes me feel like I am less than her children. It's really frustrating because it's been happening for years and my husband just says sarcastically "She is special" or don't contact her or speak with her, but I don't feel like he really gets it. Anyway thanks for listening.

Great comment "they like to stay in the shallow end." Absolutely true. #6 resonted with me. No curiosity whatsoever. Thanks as always.

Oh, the procrastination. They don''t even do the things they say they're going to do for themselves, and yet we expect them to keep their promises to us. Who's more crazy in this case ?

Another tactic of covert narcissists is to have many "life has not been fair" stories, at the ready, to gain attention, sympathy, and favors that they will never reciprocate.

Wow. This talk is excellent. The gr8 friend who is a master data collector, but manages to reveal nothing personal, ever! Yes, It’s all about power and control.

Non narcissists think you are "trying to hard" to be nice when you are just being positive & nice.

my god this video just hit me like a ton of bricks. i already knew i was abused in relationships by narcs, but was less aware of COVERT narcissism and now i am realizing why so many friendships/acquaintanceships and other types of relationships felt “off,” all of the things you’ve listed apply to multiple people i know and almost the entire group of people i was around when i was younger. like wtf wow

You know what I really like about this gentleman besides his very calming voice and fine counsel? He gets to the point right out the shoot instead of blah, blah blahing on and on for ten or so minutes before even sharing the first point. This was fabulous information.

Don't ever go on a trip with a narcissist either. They will trap you.

Was married to a covert narc for 19 yrs, since divorced. Understanding most of the problems were b/c of his narcissism. It was so insidious & now after so many yrs seeing so clearly all the signs Dr. Carter is talking about. So much gas lighting took place which I now understand. Thought I was crazy for over a decade. Couldn’t work anything out, all centered on him, so little if any empathy. But looking to the future & knowing what to /not to look for in a partner. If you have been in a narcissistic relationship don’t beat yourself up but learn , grow & heal to move forward. I didn’t know what it was at the time. I am just now really understanding what I lived through. It affected my kids greatly and are healing and moving forward to.

The being friendly with little follow up one hit me because I do this but I am being very genuine in my interaction it's just that I have social anxiety disorder and tend to isolate and not contact people out of fear of not being worthy of connection. I also have ADHD and my life is pretty unorganized and chaotic. ❤ so keep in mind that one could be for other reasons too.

I used to want to be like the narcissists in my life - meaning, having the ability to not really care what anyone thinks. That is until I realized what a shallow way to live one’s life. I want to experience the ups & downs and I want to jump for joy with others or sit in the ashes with them when they are hurting. The life of a narcissist must be so empty, futile and a miserable way to live.

I think my whole life must have been FULL of these folks.... Good Grief! Maybe I will just stick to hanging out with my dogs!

I feel like you end up feeling a lot of douchy energy from a covert narcissist.

The lack of curiosity is the most hurtful part… :/

I'm in the process of leaving my narcassist and I feel like I have to keep watching these videos or else he sucks me right back in with the manipulstion and confusion It is subtle, and it's all these little things that's SO hard to explain. You do a good job at breaking down the language.. it's a very heartbreaking and exhausting situation to be in.

All of this...pretty much all of it described my relationship with the ex. I should also say that they will promise to do things with people but never follow through. They're flaky. Also extremely unappreciative of their partner. And very much into the tit-for-tat mindset. They only do things for you when they expect you'll do something for them in return. If they do any household chores at all (which is also their responsibility), they expect you to throw them a parade and worship the ground they walk on. And also another big one- covert narcs lean heavily upon the victim mentality. If their behavior harms someone and they get called out on it, they act like they're the ones being victimized. The lack of self-awareness is incredibly frustrating!

Acts like a great mother on social media but deep down you know it's all a fake persona to make people think she's great at motherhood.

they are dangerous. the sooner you understand and the position you need to take

When you ring them you lose their interest if it isn't about them.

Once again, much gratitude to Dr. C for posting this. I can relate to so many of the comments posted here. I get a sense that many of us are on the other side of this now. Education is power. I got a chuckle when Dr.C said they are data collectors. Mine would listen to me , than go out into the public and dazzle others with their brilliance, never having read a book, purchased a course, or attended a webinar. Kudos to all on this forum that have done the work. It's only the brave and courageous ones who could see this through to the end, towards your own personal freedom. Blessings .

They aren't really detectable until they act out

"So do you" "So are you" "You do the same thing" "No! YOU are the control freak!" "It's always all about YOU!" "You just want me to sit here and rot!" These are things I hear constantly. I am not allowed to go out and be like other guys, she always has to be there.

1. Bragging -interwoven into most conversations, even if you have big stuff of your own going on & the call/interaction was about that. 2. Highly virtuous (Mostly for show) 3. Really friendly when they run into you but very little real follow through ‘let’s catch up for lunch’ no follow through. 4. Data collecting - ask you questions, probing so they can store the information, so they can throw back at you later. 5. Struggle to converse too deeply with people who fall outside their club, their way of thinking & interests, they don’t want to know, not interested. 6. Sense of curiosity missing - no depth in conversations or connections. 7. Time management in their own unique way, usually extremes, rigid or all over the place late and disorganised. 8. Always wondering what people are thinking about them, worrying if they are measuring up are people seeing how special they are. 9. Do not want to receive feedback, even if your approach is diplomatic. H = 6 signs T = 7 signs Two narcissist best friends, who also enable each other and have other enablers and Flying Monkeys. It’s all so obvious now.

Spot on as usual! Thx Dr. C!!! Me: Hey I’d like to talk to you about something you said that made me feel uncomfortable. Covert Narc (after several days of avoidance): Uncomfortable? What does that word even mean??? If i don’t know what that means- it doesn’t exist so you don’t know what you’re talking about. I couldn’t have made you feel uncomfortable. I am a good person! Stop saying bad things about me. Me: (head in hand) Forget it.

Covert narcissist is very quiet ، cool and calm .. opposite of overt narcissism.. he is like snake .. suddenly he bits you ..

My jaw was dropping the entire video. I couldn’t put my finger on the diagnosis for my boyfriend and THIS is it. This is it. No question he fits every single criteria and I know I’m not the crazy one I KNOW this is accurate. Wow. I’m in shock.

All this is completely accurate. Think it's worth mentioning that they are king/queens of the silent treatment. Remember, not saying anything actually speaks volumes. Silence is a response.

Thanks for this. Never heard some of these characteristics of a covert and this helped me identify how a covert I know could attack viciously a family member over a political difference and then cut off that family member and also have their children cut off that family member. It's so unbelievable these horrible twists and turns of a covert.

Thank you, Dr. Carter. This is one of the most helpful videos I have watched in my ongoing struggle to understand a couple of difficult relationships in my life. I won’t say that covert narcissists are worse than overt narcissists, but they are so confusing you end up gaslighting yourself-which is a special hell. Thank you for adding so much needed clarity to these difficult topics.

This articulation is exceptionally precise. It's disconcerting how the experience can be emotionally painful, given that, with hindsight, the notions or convictions appear absurd. It's remarkable that we were once ensnared by them.

This is an excellent list creating a profile of this personality. It seems if they have one aspect of it , they have all of them. It is hard to put your finger on it when you deal with someone like this, which is why it is "covert". The self protection element is huge. The way that they want to be perceived drives all their maneuvers. Most of them live in a constant state of puzzlement when they realize people run from them.

This one girl in college was the epitome of a data collector. She even told me! She was interested in neuroscience and was basically using my life story as a case study. I caught on after a few years when I realized we were “best of friends” and I knew very little about her background, family conflict, dating history etc. Kind of chilling when I think about it.

Nothing from love to give. Ever. They are closed hearted and only live in their mind. Heart = Truth : Mind = Ego

I married one 20 years ago. He ruined my life. 😢

Some coverts always seem to be the victim of life. Every thing goes wrong, they have a terrible amount of bad luck. I met 2 of these in my life and they are horrible, because they make you feel like a sadist if you choose to save yourself. Which is the wise road to take when dealing with a narcisist. People need to learn more about coverts, in my eyes they are more dangerous because you don't spot it right away. Warm greatings from Belgium and a big thanks!

Your channel has just been so eye-opening for me. My husband unfortunately seems to come from a family of narcissists - he himself managed to avoid it. It seems to be a question of where they fall on the spectrum. Every video we have watched is spot-on. Through conversations between each other and our therapists we have figured this out and recognized the gaslighting in particular that has plagued us intensely for the last 2 years after a particularly traumatic event occurred in our life. I would say that we are currently in the “recognition” phase (as well as over a month of silence from their side - prior to that I would note that his stepmother would call or text my husband daily saying how much she wants to help us). I am hoping we can move towards strategies for coping with them but I know that in addition to therapy your channel will be a big help. Thank you so much.

That seems to be the whole population, narcissism seems to be very prevalent.

U can feel the Silent dissaproval.but when hes gone i feel like im in heaven.

Watching your videos on daily in very hard times, after ending the relationship with a narc. Thank you for helping me through with your warmth, insight and informative content :)

Dr. Carter, I cannot tell you all the ways I see these covert traits in a member of my family of origin. You and your videos have brought such clarity and light to a cruel and painful family situation. As I look back over the decades, you have helped me to see and make sense of patterns that go way, way back. I thank you for your wisdom and your willingness to share it.

Not only do they like to collect the dirt they like to use it against you, sometimes at a later date which really hits you in the guts.

Hi Kelly, RUN!! Fast and don’t ever see him again!! SAVE yourself from the NARC!!