I'm proud of you for protecting yourself, but maybe it's time to let go of these ways of navigating relationships.
Finding your true self after being intensely shamed for it can be so challenging, but the payoff of uncovering those interests and passions you've always wanted to dive into and taking those baby steps towards boundary setting and learning what your triggers are and what they're attempting to protect you from and training yourself to identify your intuition is so necessary if you want to create a life for yourself that feels good.
I still fall into these tendencies from time to time, it's easy to slip--but we can take note, forgive ourselves, and continue on. It's entirely possible and it's worth it. I never thought I could be loved for being my real self and I am horrified to find that my trauma was wrong. I grieve over my past self who didn't know better. I send them love. They were always worthy.