From a survivor of domestic violence, Thank You.

Mr Calvert. Thankyou so much. Everything you said validates my trauma, and shows the general public that victim blaming is a massive contribution towards us being more traumatised and isolated. This speech answers all of thier ill informed and misguided questions. Your speech has validated me.

This should be taught at school !! Kids should be educated in a very young age about domestic violence that its wrong and should never be tolerated.

You should read the book "Why does he do that?" about abusers and their allies.

Hi, I am a victim of domestic abuse. I never considered myself a woman who would ever accept a man who beat me. I'm well educated, have a good job and my own home. I don't have a rich family. Everything I have, I worked for it. The most painful experience is reconciling a man who had been great as a boyfriend, ever so gentle and loving, with the man repeatedly beat me. There's only one thing to say, please don't blame me. I thought I was a strong woman who could save this deeply troubled man. All I've ever done was love a person.

I would have also dropped charges because I was afraid of my ex husbands family. Thankfully the prosecutor and judge both called me and said “you will be dead in 10 days if you don’t let us prosecute. We have pictures of his thumb prints on your neck.” I still live in fear because he didn’t do much time and the system must change.

The shark analogy is amazing. It’s also why as a survivor I have extreme PTSD when my ex and co-parent goes silent... the enemy you know is better than the enemy you don’t right? In reality, that shark fin is just as dangerous until you completely escape it, and it’s as unpredictable as the fin you can’t see... 😔

Sir, my gratitude is immeasurable. Thank you. I will never look at a prosecutor the same. Your honesty and experience make this such a powerful tool to get the message out. Almost out. Fingers crossed.

I cannot thank you enough for this powerful speech. As a victim of domestic violence for many years, I am just now using my voice. I am breaking the cycle of abuse and hoping to end generational trauma. Silence perpetuates the violence. Staying silent only continues to give power to the abuser. I am no longer just a victim. I am a survivor and I have a voice.

Thank you for shining a light on this issue, and allowing yourself to be vulnerable in your honesty

Thank you so much for sharing your perspective and accepting responsibility for your mistreatment of the victim. Thank you for shedding light on the victim's life and how difficult and dangerous it is to leave. I appreciated the shark analogy. From a victim to a survivor to an advocate, I thank you!

Thank you. From the bottom of my heart

A powerful speech, changed the perspective completely. Thank you.

Never underestimate learned behavior.

I love the title, "A mile in her shoes," because sometimes dv victims are told to walk in the shoes of the offender to understand him/ her better. No. The offender should learn to walk in the dv victim's shoes. Better yet, if children were taught empathy from a young age, perhaps domestic violence would occur less and be much less tolerated.

This man really impressed me, he nailed it.

An important message. Thank you. I am a survivor of 9 years of domestic abuse, the judicial system failed my daughter and i. Mt abuser was given visitation rights to our daughter… i left my 2 day trail feeling ashamed and betrayed by a system I believed would protect me … if i ever found the courage to leave. I am a survivor! But i still carry shame and frustration that the courts made HIM right. He told me many times while standing over my body…. You wont ever leave me and no one will ever help you…. You will lose.

God, the way they say "Why is he hitting her?" at 10:31 hits me so hard

After my husband attacked me to the degree my children physically intervened, I made the decision to leave. He violated the Final Restraining order 5 times. He's been in jail since July and set to get out at the end of this month and I'm terrified because I don't know where his head is. A stalking order and final restraining order are in place but I feel like it's just another piece of paper to him

That was awesome!!! It took a lot of courage to do that. I freeze up all the time telling people about why I left my ex. Took about 2 years before I wasn’t groveling around men for a protective father figure. People did not believe my story but now they do but it takes a long time knowing them for me to not feel as though I’ll be scorned and isolated from normal friendship. This helped me to tell my story again and encourage others about the me too truth of life. There are solutions we can create together

I knew someone that he would hit her, and she had no money, no where to go, she had two kids, poor thing had no family no body that cared about her well being, that guy told her if she leaves she losing everything. it's easier said than done, it's hard to leave if she is all alone.

Thank you for this Tedx talk and it’s accuracy. I would love to partner with you in creating continued awareness, as a Survivor myself.

this was such an amazing speech. Definitely gave me a new perspective. Much appreciated.

As a victim of domestic violence, I have to thank you for sharing the reality and perspective for many women victims. It is true that I appear unintelligent and irrational to friends/family/the judicial system/ and police. However, as a student working to gain my M.D. in two more years, the stakes are incredibly high. I must choose between being in an apartment and environment that is provided by my abuser or be homeless. Both options are less than ideal as a student working in labs, research, and even giving speeches for my school. However, it is also true that my leaving would cause me to have a greater potential of poverty, homelessness, uncertainty, and fear. Furthermore, my abuser is like a shark spinning in the water - as long as I can see him, I feel like I have some sort of safety and control for the others that I do not want to be hurt. The call to action is valid in that society needs to make domestic violence our business. Using your sociological imagination, place yourself in the lens/perspective of the victim rather than judging the victim is critical. Instead of asking questions like "why don't you just leave?" ask more questions like "what can be done to help you leave this situation?" Great Ted Talk, Prosecutor Calvert.

This was exactly what I needed to hear as a survivor. My abuser is now in jail- for abusing others- but the DAs always let him go with my case. Because I didn't leave. I finally did. With no help. Or support. But it cost me and my children a lot.

You really know how we have or continue to live and why we don' t "just leave" . Thank You

Coercive control. Needs to be illegal and a crime

I had a Near Death Experience on Feb. 16th 2020 from being punched repeatedly in my head and left eye from my boyfriend cornered in the passenger seat.He who had became extremley violent, controlled everything, II couldnt work,drive or leave. I felt held at my will at times. The humiliation, shock and fear of what he will do to you if he thinks you want him in prison is paralyzing. I would have been another missing person. I remember telling the Ctreator it wasnt my time, surrounded in light with my father who committed suicide in 2008. God is real, have no fear. Your voice matters. Say something.

Location location location applies not only to real estate but to perspective as well. Everything looks great from your front porch but you cant see in someone elses home or heart from over their on that higher ground. Put yourself in their shoes and you'll likely find answers you didn't realise you had questions for.

Inspirational - great presentation that will no doubt change lives..

This man needs to be on the world stage. The system is so broken and we lose so many women every day worldwide. Sir, please come to Australia to speak...our police are truly TERRIBLE. Misogyny in the police is so bad, it nearly ended my life.

Well said 👍

It’s been almost 3 yrs and the case just ended. I have a 10 yr restraining order and he doesn’t follow it! He will kill me

I understand the anger, it’s so hard to understand the victims perspective. My good friend refused to testify after her abuser almost killed her. When he got out of prison they resumed their relationship without any of us knowing. He killed her. Her child is now motherless, her parents had to bury her, her family has lost her and suffered a horrific tragedy. I don’t blame her, I am just heartbroken that she is gone. The pain is unimaginable.

This is perfect 💜

This is a very informative video.

Shark fin is the best analogy

This guy makes some good points, but what kind of prosecutor gives a man probation for setting someone on fire? Even if it was her fault (which it wasn't) there are people sent to jail for minor drug offenses. C'mon man!

thank you

Thanks I m domestic violence victom also I m son of my mother who abused by my father I know how it feels every word of it

How do we start campaign 'International Leave An Abusive Relationship Day'?

I was strangled unconscious. On Valentine’s Day morning my x fiancé tortured me for 71/2 hrs.

The system let me down and I cooperated with the DA.

I just looked at the date when this was recorded and it was recorded 4 days before I was tortured by my x fiancé 2020

Abusive relationships are like spiderwebs and almost impossible to break free from but it’s possible and in my personal life it was through the power of God alone. And before we get started be careful for most churches are part of the problem but God is God alone and He sets free through His Son Jesus Christ.

Just got done watching a movie about abuse called Let Him Go. I believe we put to much on material things when leaving an abuser. We talk about money, homes the kids. Just leave and stand up for yourself. As a prosecutor I would have followed the evidence and pushed for the maximum.

Can i use this video

The abuse was so bad I wish he would have killed me, he took me away! I can’t find myself now and San Diego County let me down. I was my own advocate! I had no advocacy!

So many BIPP -batterers programs-blame the victim, try to convince the victims they are causing the abuse. I had one counselor that told me that there was no such thing as victims but two abusers.

Victims don’t get justice

My friend's two nieces were shot and killed two weeks ago by one of their boyfriend. They got into an argument and he shot his girlfriend (one of her nieces). Then her sister (the other niece) came to check on her and the boyfriend shot and killed her too

Every word is true

Participate in my own destruction? I WOULD rather die.

The system needs to change

when men police men... will that ever happen again the way it was originally designed?

Well, it is tricky...because to some extent she may be brainwashed and other psychological factors going on that keep her staying (besides possibly having financial limitations or children involved)...but on the other hand, she needs to take responsibility...because if she doesn't, who else can? Often the abused is hurting people who care about her who are ready to help her...they do reach out and help when she does leave...often generously if she leaves with practically nothing...but then she goes back...and the ones who care about her go through all kinds of turmoil worrying about her. When police/the legal system gets involved, they may send the abuser to a series of classes (which seldom help him truly change)...but they never send the abused to classes to help her understand why she stays or defends him...we do need to ask, "what is wrong with her" besides "what is wrong with him". Because honestly he isn't going to stop...you can't help him...so all you can do is help her to get away and stay away...she may have a chance.

👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏

In my NY town... domestic violence is accepted by law enforcement Everything this man says is true

Then change the system!

Laws protect us from one another I'd rather have laws than the other When the other causes us to suffer Law is a buffer from a cruel lover Hiding I cry as he beat up Mother

I’m trying to find a shelter now and they are over packed can’t get into one!

I suspect Will Smith is a battered husband .

The answer to that first question is u dont put yourself in that position to begin with, u carry yourself w/confidence and u learn a martial art like krav maga. Then he will never do it again cuz chances r hed be dead. Yep, noone f-ks w/me-no one. Its called self worth

Many abused woman have no one to help and no where to go. And other people do not want to get involved. So they have no option but to stay in the situaion....

That sucks

I didn’t leave because they said they’d kill me and my daughter’s father I felt without options it’s true….

Think of how many in that audience are victims and who are perpetrators

HELP

Instead of sending these men to prison, they need to send them to rehab. They need mental rehab. Those 8 week programs aren't good enough. I know my boyfriend needs serious mental health help and anger help in an intensive, in-patient environment. And he does love me, as I do him, so forcing no contact between us is awful. It's a broken system.

I created a KZfaq channel to discuss domestic violence issues. I am a survivor and I want to let people know they are not alone.

so what do you want me to do about domestic violence?

how can you talk to a general audience about domestic violence? preaching to the choir

Something wrong with both of them

Jesus knows everything . Let Go Let God

The nanosecond youre disrespected no matter how physical or not u leave. No second chance period. No matter who does it or when. Unless youre a doormat and I'm female btw.

Good talk, but you can only help someone who wants to be helped. It's a mental issue that no one wants to talk about due to the fact it comes off as victim blaming. It's called accountability sometimes too. People get fired from jobs all the time and have to start over, so that's not an excuse in my opinion. Titles don't change anything in my opinion, either. Mother, wife, husband, brother, uncle, friend, etc. You're still a person to me, and if you do something that I do not agree with or I see it brings harm to me, I'm taking the necessary steps to remove you from my life. I'm a petty, vindictive person, so I'd be the wife that gets beat and then pretends everything is ok, until that one night where you think everything is ok too and then I beat you over the head with a sock full of batteries. But I do wish men stopped putting their hands on women. It's completely uncalled for.

I personally think that the topic of domestic violence is an extremely complex issue with interwoven and nested factors. The act of domestic violence itself is wrong. But its not that simple. Much like most other crimes. There various legal, societal, educational and economic factors that needs to change in order to mitigate this. While I agree with addressing "why he hit her", and "how can we stop him from hitting her", the question of "how can we help HER" skews the issue solely towards the fire and not the oily rag(legal, societal, educational and economic factors). which drags us back to the antiquated blanket belief (and the legal attitudes that follow) that men are too tough for anything women can do to hurt them. I refuse to buy in to this and be biased towards the intent of this video. I have stopped violence only for the probability of protecting an innocent victim, but never acted like one of those "I dont care what she did, theres no excuse to ever ever hit a woman" people and straight away turn around and start bashing the male, because anyone who does that clearly dont see women as human beings with human qualities (half of which are malicious). I will however assert that regardless of how we chop and change laws, human nature will always create collateral damage out of innocent victims whether it be women or men.

Shouldnt the title be "a mile in the victims shoes"? This "tedtalk" makes victim synonymous with her/womanwand has painted women as the universal victim and men as the universal perpetrator. How can this be "a perspective on domestic violence" when your very words and narrative excludes abt 40% of victims of domestic violence? How is 60/40 vast and given with the lack of reporting for men those numbers could easily change. This video is just disappointing

😒ik ALL 2 well mYself😔