Affairs are About Escaping
Рет қаралды 76,324
9 жыл бұрынAffairs are about escaping. Today, Samuel discusses the nature of affairs and escapism and how to avoid relapsing.
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Samuel is an infidelity survivor and is one of many contributors to Affair Recovery's Survivors’ Blog, www.affairrecovery.com/our-blog. He participated in Affair Recovery's courses developed by founder and infidelity expert Rick Reynolds, LCSW. After finding healing, hope, and new life, Samuel wishes to share his journey and what AffairRecovery.com has to offer with others so they too can find hope and healing.
@jhn146A 5 жыл бұрын
Affairs are the result of massive character flaws.
@lorischellenberg3219 Жыл бұрын
Massive? I think also a regular amount of flaws, or areas of character building, that have been neglected. We can heal in addiction’s if we’re honest and take the necessary steps 👍🏼🌷
@Ughwhatevs Жыл бұрын
What’s strange about this is that there doesn’t ever seem to be any understanding by the unfaithful that maybe the betrayed wanted to escape too. In other words, the betrayed didn’t stay because the unfaithful is so great, but because the betrayed chose not to hurt the unfaithful, even if they wanted to plenty of times. I wonder sometimes if you could get in a Time Machine and go back to before the affair and the betrayed cheated instead of the other way around, if the unfaithful would “understand” because they feel the exact same way or if the unfaithful would adopt the feelings of hurt that the betrayed has.
@ladybug16b84 Жыл бұрын
Yes I've often wondered,and asked him if it were the other way around would you have forgiven me? He says yes but I know he wouldn't have. He would have walked away and never looked back. He could not handle going through what he put me through. It takes real strength and mental and emotional fortitude to be able to forgive something so hurtful. I take some pride in knowing that I have that strength. Something I said I could never look past ...but I have
@evandegenfelder4554 7 ай бұрын
I've wondered that SO many times. For me, it really is about the lying. For over 30 years.
@elizabethwatson8063 4 жыл бұрын
Like almost everyone wants to escape at times, it’s the selfish who follow through; very self-centered.
@joannthornton8584 3 жыл бұрын
Yes ma’am to that!! You said it well!!!
@MP-fb5hc 6 жыл бұрын
My husband took a 10 days trip to his homeland days after the D day. I will never forget him for taking that trip which, he also described as " I was happy there" while I was miserable here at home. It was a dismissal of my pain, a dismissal of the horror he did, a dismissal of my feelings, a lack of respect for me and our marriage, and of course a vacation from the disaster he created. No excuse will ever be valid enough for me to forgive him for taking that trip. Thank you so much for so many amazing inputs.
@MP-fb5hc 6 жыл бұрын
* forgive not forget
@tsol7414 5 жыл бұрын
+mariel pereyra Wow, that sounds like my situation. I'm sorry you went through that. One month after I found out about my husbands emotional affair he took a ten day trip to Australia. You can't get any farther away than that. He planned this trip around paddleboarding which is what he and his secret girlfriend did when they met for months. He gave me the name of the place he was staying but the last 3 days of the trip he said be was going to "wing it". My mind automatically filled in that blank with a mental picture of his AP meeting him down there....far away from me. He kept saying he wanted to work on things but this caused extreme hurt. I was later able to obtain solid proof his AP did not in fact join him but nonetheless it didnt change my opinion that it showed a complete lack of compassion and integrity.
@Surfsup448 3 жыл бұрын
What a terrible thing to go through. Disregard like a piece of garbage. That’s what lying cheaters do. Could care less who they cause harm 2. Don’t worry he will do it again and again to someone else. Move on happily and be grateful that the pain is now gone.
@eileenchuck Жыл бұрын
My partner asked me if I wanted him to leave after he told me about his affair. At first I said, “ I don’t know yet”. But the more I thought about it, I thought….why should you get to escape seeing me cry and hearing my hurt….?? Go off and watch your football or see her again??? So I finally said, “No.... you need to stay here and we heal together and you need to be the one to help ME heal as you heal yourself.” We did the next months EMS virtual online weekend and hopefully are headed in a more enlightened way to heal. Thank you Samuel.
@abcisneros91 3 жыл бұрын
I wanted to escape. But I love him, and would never do that to my family.
@jilldavenport7410 3 жыл бұрын
That's a tough once to hear. Everyone needs some time to recharge. But does not act out. To hear that escapism is the gut desire from the life you built with a partner is painful and gross 🤢. As adults we should be able to recognize any needs, and redirect in a non harmful way. Still maintaining respect and decency to the family and partner they CHOSE and built.
@katrinajacobs2280 4 жыл бұрын
This video is raw, but saddening to at the same time. As a betrayed by the same man for 26yrs this is painful to know all he ever has done is escape.
@kristinamosley-frye3422 3 жыл бұрын
Mee too 26 yrs & 3 children...all hes ever done is escape, always wanting to get away from the people who love him most in this world? Yepp, i get it, been there done that. Im so sorry for ur hurt.
@Bumbledora Жыл бұрын
Yup. My husband too. Escaped my autoimmune disease that did make me want to have sex less. And he got unhappy and instead of talking to me about it, he gaslit me in believing everything was peachy til I caught him and his AP on a little s*xvaccation. That was fun. Noooot! I'm in complete chaos of trauma.
@pattihy 2 жыл бұрын
Betrayed and I have no one, no one that trustworthy in my life.
@everready2903 2 жыл бұрын
Support group?
@butterflyeightyone 3 жыл бұрын
Your emotional fortitude is incredible. Thank you for sharing content so helpful to our lives.
@rayofirst8885 4 жыл бұрын
Best commentary yet!
@maunder01 5 жыл бұрын
God bless you. Thank you so much for this vid and sharing your own experience.
@Dubblesteel 6 жыл бұрын
Thank you so very much for you blog
@samshealingpodcast 6 жыл бұрын
very, very welcome. hope it helps you and supports you in your healing.
@moneybags999 4 жыл бұрын
It sounds like he's just a hop, skip and a jump away from doing this again if things line up just right. Like it has been extremely hard for him to stay on the right path. It's kind of disheartening. I've never been a cheater so I guess I don't understand how difficult it is to do the right thing and keep on doing the right thing. If a person has to fight temptation so hard and if there's always this need to fight the urge to escape any time stressful situations present themselves, why bother being married and putting your partner through all this anguish? It just doesn't seem fair.
@samshealingpodcast 4 жыл бұрын
i understand what you're saying and feeling....it really depends on several factors. are they an addict? do they struggle with addiction issues or are they are trauma survivor etc? it's not just black and white as there are layers to this trauma and there can be extenuating circumstances. i get what you're saying. have you received expert help? are they doing all they can do to fight the struggle? what help have they received? if it's not expert, high level help, it's normal to see what you're experiencing.
@cbfitnesstrainer 4 жыл бұрын
ugh! agree!
@joannthornton8584 3 жыл бұрын
I totally agree with you !!!
@everready2903 2 жыл бұрын
Well he is 10 years in now so maybe not.
@JC-gx8zs Жыл бұрын
Exactly. The door is there, it’s not a prison, just don’t expect to get back in once you’ve ‘escaped’.
@Jojo-sb1xs 6 жыл бұрын
Thanku so much. This makes so much sense. Just found out my partner has been havin an affair for almost 2 years. What ur doin is amazin. Such a blessin. Thanku xxx
@raea2367 6 жыл бұрын
How did you find out?
@isabelmoreno7214 2 жыл бұрын
Usually the mistress lets herself known since he is running away from telling his wife the truth. How else will the wife know if no one tells her and he shows no signs.
@everready2903 2 жыл бұрын
Probably the phone....
@odettebernabeu2702 4 жыл бұрын
Affairs are the consequence of ignorance. You have frustration and you look for greener pastures, but you wakeup.
@tsol7414 5 жыл бұрын
So what do you do if your husband already has a hobby and this is how they have connected with their AP? My husband is into paddleboarding on a regular basis. This is has always been his favorite activity. He met his AP on the beach and they regularly met to paddleboard together, just the two of them texting, planning and meeting until I found out 6 months later. It was insult to injury that I can't paddleboard. Paddleboarding is one of his loves in life. There he was, sharing it with his AP in secrecy, doing something with her that I could never do with him.
@samshealingpodcast 5 жыл бұрын
hi there. if he wants the marriage, he will need to focus on helping you feel safe. maybe you both go to the beach and you hang out on the beach while he paddleboards alone....maybe there is some compromise that you can come to that brings safety to both of you.
@tkaki6029 4 жыл бұрын
The affair is addictive, physically. A lot of chemicals being released by the brain when it’s happening. It’s no excuse but there is truth to it.
@everready2903 2 жыл бұрын
What chemicals compare with it? Probably none. Certainly not that don't involve needles.
@LutherPittman 2 жыл бұрын
That is true, but God has given us a brain to know what is right and what is wrong. I know we're not perfect, but when you're married and you have kids some things just shouldn't happen. If you want escape, i don't agree with divorce, but i rather have a divorce than my mate being physical with someone coming home to me being physical with me. At the same lying to the affair partner and their mate like the marriage is no good.
@canaweb 2 жыл бұрын
@@everready2903 Dopamine addiction. It can come in many forms, but it is just as addictive as heroin. Not an excuse, but without understanding this as well as the factors that cause it, one behavior might be substituted for another throughout life. It's an escape for sure, and even hobbies can lead to excess and unhealthy behaviors if the root isn't understood. Dealing with it, however, is another matter.
@bexbruges5558 6 жыл бұрын
Your videos have helped me so much. I am so greatful to you. My husband has been having an affair with a women in China and intentionally got her pregnant in January. He keeps lying and changing his mind about what he wants. He has said he wants to escape. This video helps me understand and act constructively. As all your videos do. Thank you, God bless.
@samshealingpodcast 6 жыл бұрын
thank you so much rebecca. means more than you know. thank you for posting and encouraging me.
@indym375 6 жыл бұрын
Rebecca Quansah Whoa I'm sorry
@Ephesians5-14 5 жыл бұрын
Rebecca, are you okay?
@sharonovermier5989 3 жыл бұрын
What if the suggested hobbies become too much escape and they just replace the other women with their hobbies?
@samshealingpodcast 3 жыл бұрын
it requires openness to have a dialogue that can be shared to help them understand why this can be problematic. it's not helpful that's for sure, but can be adjusted if they are open to helpful dialogue.
@CarlosCastillo-yi3ur 4 жыл бұрын
Can you redo this video topic from the perspective / more specifically about how the affair is a way of escaping for the unfaithful
@samshealingpodcast 4 жыл бұрын
great request. let me think about it about it a bit. thanks for the suggestion through.
@georgettecross4149 5 жыл бұрын
If affairs is about escaping then It is time that my True Husband Comes back to me and starts up His Honesty Life back up I want him in my life.
@samshealingpodcast 5 жыл бұрын
he will need expert help to get there my friend. seldom do they just sober up magically without expert care and leading.
@clasicks6670 3 жыл бұрын
I have no friends to hear me out. My brothers don't even talk to me. I am isolated and alone most of the time now. If I die tomorrow not too many people will show up and those who do is out of respect to my family. It is not cuz they know me or miss me. I guess this is how it's gotta be for me.
@AffairrecoveryLLC 3 жыл бұрын
Hi there, please take care friend and if you feel you're a threat to yourself please call the suicide hotline asap at 1-800-273-8255.
@clasicks6670 3 жыл бұрын
@@AffairrecoveryLLC thank you for response. I will continue to get through this.
@AMaroney32 2 жыл бұрын
How are you doing today, 1 year later? I hope you have found some healing.
@user-qd9mr8li3p 9 ай бұрын
My husband is going through a midlife crisis for a year and left the home 8 months ago he is in a relationship with a woman who works next to our business for 6 months he is very open about it, I told him I went on dates with another man he is very upset about it. Does this mean things are over for us i still want things to work out but he said not now but maybe later what does that even mean maybe later
@josefigueroa5202 6 жыл бұрын
Thank you for the video. However, I must disagree and here’s why. As the betrayed, I have to say that an escape is not an excuse. Our marriage had issues of course. We went to a marriage counselor, which was also her therapists. She suffers from depression and abandonment issues from her father. One day, we sat down and talked. She said that if we were to find another person that would make us happy, we would both end the marriage. This is where my issue is at the moment, the trust that was broken. As a guy, we understand that our words are our bond, at least to the very many of us these days. I cannot say what women think because I’m not a woman. I understand it’s more emotional than physical.
@samshealingpodcast 6 жыл бұрын
hi Jose, if you watch enough of my videos I think you'll find i never offer 'excuses' as reasons why people cheat, but affairs are about escaping in one way or another. for both men and women. i never offer information as excuses, but as reasoning we tell ourselves and things we use to justify our affair(s). sometimes we don't even know why we do what we do, but I try and help those in crisis understand a variety of reasons and insight. hope you find healing and help for your own recovery jose.
@mmontiel8335 3 жыл бұрын
And what if I don’t have anyone to talk to ?
@samshealingpodcast 3 жыл бұрын
we have groups on our site you can join and be a part of. if you can't afford them, you can also apply for a scholarship to any of our online courses. you can find them here: www.affairrecovery.com/programs-and-courses/online-courses
@mmontiel8335 3 жыл бұрын
Thanks for your reply. I truly appreciate your videos .
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