Just so you know, this is West coast Scots making fun of East coast accents. That's right, there are different scottish accents.

“Set phasers to Malky”. To get Malkied in this sketch is to get stunned by being hit, head butted or battered. As a Taysider, it’s fckn hilarious when you understand every word.

The two main actors in this are Ford Kiernan and Greg Hemphill, who wrote and starred in the hit Scottish comedy show, Still Game. You know, the one you didn’t like? 🤣

I spent a year in Scotland ,my mother was ill,i was sent to with an aunt . Went to primary school and all these years later i'm still in touch with the friends i made 😊

Can anyone imagine King Boomer watching an episode of Rab C. Nesbitt?

I found this transcript with translation when i googled it. Scene 1 "Right Ensign, gies warp factor ten and we'll open this big bastard up and see if it is shit off a shovel right enough" "Right ensign, set speed warp factor ten and let's see if this ship is as fast as they say it is" "Nae danger, get yer belts on" "Aye aye, fasten your seatbelts" "You won't catch us wearing belts like a bunch of big poofters." "Wearing seatbelts is unmanly" "Gonnae let us go to the replicator?Ah'm starving" "May I go get some food from the replicator as I am quite hungry?" "Aye, as long as you bring us back a mug of royal game soup and a couple o' ciders" "You may, but please bring me back some refreshment also." "Captain, there a right big whore ae a spaceship comin' towards us, an ye want tae see the bastardin' size o' the thing, it's a good yin or twa size bigger than oors ken!" "Captain, there is a large spaceship coming towards us, almost twice as big as us" Scene 2 "Ah telt ye before, any mair o' yer pish an I'll stick this right in yer crack!" "I have previously warned you to behave or I will insert this object somewhere very uncomfortable" "Whit ye dain' ya daftie?" "What are you doing, idiot?" "Well, Ah'm just havin a go on the holodeck Captain, Ah'm holodeck daft, ken?" "I am ruinning a holodeck simulation, did you not know I suffer from holodiction?" Scene 3 "Set phasers tae malky!" "Set phasers on maximum" "It's like hee-haw wuv ever seen afore captain, ken?" "It's life Captain, but not as we know it." "He's deed captain, stone deed. Nae pulse or nothing. Will you stop keechin at ma arse ye pervert!" "He's dead captain, no vital signs. Will you please refrain from staring at my backside?" "You ken fine yer gaggin' fur it eh?" "You realize you are desperate for sex?" "Ye've hee-haw chance o getting' yer hole, yer an android, ye've kak all nob!" "You have no chance of performing sexual acts since you are an android and therefore do not have a penis." Scene 4 "Och awa' and dinnae talk pish!" "We don't believe you."

"Set phasers tae malky!" That line always has me laughing....

Don't beat yourself up. I'm from Sunderland, 50 miles from Scotland, and I struggled, but, then again, the Scottish will say that's because I'm from Sunderland. Keep the videos coming mate.

I've not seen this in years, I'm crying xD. It was a Scottish sketch show, I'm sure people from England would've had a hard time understanding it never mind Americans, so don't worry.

I can't watch The Next Generation Borg assimilation episodes now without saying, "Awa an dinnae talk pish".

The accent is supposed to be from Tayside in Scotland....my area as I'm from Dundee....the accents are a wee bit off as the Chewin the fat team are all from Glasgow......right funny though....Ken!

Englishman here. I understood almost all of it, but I've watched Still Game countless times since the noughties.

The sock puppets in chewing the fat are hilarious 😂😂😂😂😂

Me and another guy from our department booked into a Glasgow hotel as we were temporarily working at one of our Scottish depots. We asked the receptionist for a 6.30 am early morning call. She said "You both have sex?" (Thinks : I'm going to like this hotel.) What she actually said was "Are you both half six."

The set and costumes, holodeck all sensational. As Spock might say: "It's language Jim, but not as we know it"!

Awww so brilliant that your loving this , being Scottish , this is absolutely prime comedy for me 👍🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿

"Set phasers tae malky". Malky is Scottish rhyming slang from Malky (Malcolm) Fraser* = razor, once the favoured weapon of the Scottish urban thug. It came to mean any kind of non-fatal attack, including a good (😳?) kicking, a headbutt (Glasgow kiss) or just a plain old slap in the coupon. * nobody knows who Malky Fraser was, but I bet nobody messed with him.

As a Cockney who married a Scots lass ( caught with a net while she was running wild up in Jockistan land ), even after 20yrs of constant racist banter between me and my in laws, I defy anyone to keep up with them speaking " Jockonese " and understanding what is said when they are pissed.

I'm a Taysider based in Dundee, Scotland, around 10 miles away from Carnoustie. The language used and accents are pretty accurate although there's a few Glasgow phrases in there e.g. set phasers to "Malkie". Malkie being to cause someone physical harm. If you need any other translations, let me know. Oh, clacker bag (noun) scrotum. Clackers were a fad back in the 70's for schoolchildren. They were two plastic balls joined by a cord about 18 inches long. The game was to hold the middle of the cord and let the balls collide harder and harder until they were colliding at the bottom and at the top of their movement.

I highly recommend "The Big Man" sketches from chewing the fat, all of them, absolute hilarity. Gotta love the boots his maw made 😂😂😂

The Scottish sobriety test sketch from Chewin The Fat is quite good, very short but funny. As a Trekkie I love this sketch, lifelong and prosper 🖖

as a brit who works with scotts, i still had no idea without the dude who posted the transcript below

As a west coast Scot,this was one of their best sketches, along with Kirkcaldy Sheriff Court...words mostly used around Dundee in Scotland :)

The woman is Karen Dunbar, I knew her when she was an emcee and DJ in Glasgow when I was a student. Check out Old Betty from Chewing the Fat!

"Malky" (for the phasars) comes from nearly 100 years ago, when one Malcolm (Malky) Fraser was the leader of a razor gang which slashed their victims. Giving someone a "malky" meant doing them a serious injury. "Hee-haw" is a donkey noise, used to mean "zero" and is possibly rhyming slang for "fuck aw", how we Scots say "fuck all" or nothing. Not surprised you struggled, I sent a dvd of this many years ago to a French friend and English teacher who was extremely fluent in his second language. "It might as well be Hungarian" was the verdict. The Fife accent (east coast of Scotland) is tricky, even for other Scots.

Okay I’m Scottish and a good 75% of that went right over my head too! Broad Glaswegian is not for the faint-hearted 😂

Just a shout out for Hale and Pace, Yorkshire airways sketch xx

Have you seen the Burniston " elevator" sketch. Broke my ribs laughing at that one. Eleven.

Despite living in Dundee I've never heard anyone use the word 'malky'. Chewing the fat is also the only place I've heard the word "Staunner' being used. Must be a Glasgow thing.

She said to the android " You have nay chance of getting a hole; you have nay got a knob"..😂

The Chewing the Fat Muppet sketch should be in your recommend feed Boomer you love it

I would recommend the chewin' the fat "Swatch" or ice cream clip. Very funny, I think it'll crack you up!😅

Chewing the fat is a rabbit hole you must react to honestly you will love it

TOO FUNNY ... pure scottish breed . 😂 you would need to live in Glasgow/Scotland to understand it . But it made me laugh and don't normally laugh at them scetch shows . But this is well written and translated well . The Burniston one you're thinking about = do the elevator /Lift one A talking elevator doesn't under stand scottish accent and they are trying to get to floor 11

Get it translated its absolutely hilarious. Us Scots understand it completely.

They're from Dundee in Scotland - ya hoor sur - a well known expression!

I met the lady with the funny hair a number of years ago when she was filming her comedy sketch show in Clydebank they also do still game as well that’s funny 🤣

"Nae danger" = no problem. Edit: If you want a good example of Chewin' the fat that's not too heavy with accents but is very, very funny, try the "invisible boss" sketch. Ya roaster, ye...

I'm Scottish and I'm having a hard time understanding it 🤣

They missed a trick here. They needed a chief engineer with an upperclass English accent.

"The 2 Ronnies" also did a very funny spoof on Star Trek --- check it out!

The woman with the red hair is Karen Dunbar and she is n amazing comedienne. Yes the language is hilarious - some of it still in use today ( ok maybe not the malkied word so much ). This was often used when a street gang member was assaulted by another gang member who would collapse and say ‘ A’VE BEEN MALKEED ! - in other words nearly killed. This episode still makes me laugh.

Still cracks me up years later. Brilliant 😂

I'm Scottish, born in a tenement (apartment block), raised in a Council House Scheme (a "Project") in the West of Scotland and even I had to slow it down to understand some of it! 😂😂😂

The lighthouse keepers. "Gaunnae no dae that?" "How?" "Jist gaunnae no." Its how I tell off my grandweans for misbehaving without being 'bad grandpa'.

The accents are from Fife to Aberdeen- (along the East Coast of Scotland) Highlanders mainly. Although the actors are mainly from Glasgow, Karen Dunbar is from Fife. If you enjoyed this you will love their other show- 'Still Game'. The two leading men above play two Glasgow Pensioner friends. Their day to day lives and what they get up to- its really funny and easier to understand. P.S. To 'malky' someone is to slash them with a blade. 'Kak aw' is to have nothing (Mr Data had 'kak aw' between his legs).

I worked on the phones in Customer Services for a Scottish company, and swear to God, I had calls like this 50 %, of the time and unfortunately, there are no subtitles on the phone.

I've seen that sketch before but it's still funny! It looks like they had a blast making this and I'd love to see their edits.

I think that sketch was actually called “Taysiders In Space”, so it’s not just a joke about Scottish culture; it’s a joke about a particularly strong local accent within Scotland.

I remember watching this back when it originally aired, I was buckled over 😂 Big Hoor of a ship coming and it’s a good one or twa sizes bigger than oors is my favourite line 😂😂

Greg Hemphill, the Captain, lived in Montreal, Canada for most of his childhood. Those accents were all over the place! No wonder you were struggling! 😂

Tip, if you want to understand a Scotsman, you have to speak to them over a phone. Some how they become easier to understand over the phone.

“Two outsiders” is Scottish code, and cannae divulge or my haggis will self destruct.

There was a very funny sketch from a Scottish comedy show regarding a couple of Scotsmen in a lift (elevator), that couldn't understand their accents.

If I remember right, the sketch was meant to have Scottish people laughing at the Tayside accent. So no wonder you don't understand stand it, most of Scotland didn't either.

She is Karen Dunbar and is a legend. The accent she’s using is from Dundee, without a doubt the funniest accent, and always the hardest to understand. Enjoy.

The guys from Burnistoun were among the writers on Chewin' The Fat as well.

LMAO....your face mate...class

I'm actually from Tayside, the accent they are doing is a hammed up version of the Dundee accent, part of Tayside. That's not their natural accent and they are totally taking the piss out of it. It's deliberately over the top, but fuckin hilarious.

I recognise at least three of the actors from Still Game in that sketch 😂😂

My favourite CTF sketch, being an east coaster close to Carnoustie

Chewing the fat, Burnistoun, Naked Video (Rab c Nesbit started on, if I remember right) & Absolutely were my favourite Scottish sketch comedy shows.

So pleased you've seen this. I commented on the cockney Star Trek that this was worth a look. I asked my Glaswegian friend to translate it for me and she couldn't either. So don't worry about not understanding it. 😂 I think it's a bit like the scene on one of the Airplane films where the black guy is asked to describe in his own words about what happened, and he starts talking jive. Impenetrable. 😂 👌

I’m Scottish from Glasgow & some a these accents are amazing 😂 this makes me laugh every time I watch it

I sense a new voyage for King Boomer! Great sketch from a great show. BBC Scotlan for a lot of years made the best comedy from BBC land.

We Scot's are the most aggressively nice place in the world... Or in the Galaxy in this case. 🤘🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿

Going off the scottish theme. Have you watched 'Bottom' yet with Rik Mayall and Ade Edmundson? Very funny english slapstick rude snd crude. Prior to that 'The Young Ones'. Making their debut on Saturday Live as 'The Dangerous Brothers'. I'm sure you'll love them😂.

That holodeck pub is the same one used for the Clansman in Still Game. This was filmed at the end of its run just as they began Still Game full time hence why the whole cast are together in this sketch. Albeit it many of them appeared in Chewin the Fat too.

There was on on Bavarian TV with Beer kegs as fuel tanks and the Crew in Lederhosen and pinafores

I live outside Paisley and I understood every word. Absolutely hilarious

Thank you fella, this was fun!

You can't understand it that's the point,even the Scots don't understand it😂

Most of the still game cast in that scene, pure class

These guys also did regular sketches about air traffic controllers - for example, a plane would be at a crucial point during the flight and one of the controllers would put his hands over the eyes of the controller dealing with that plane. 😁

I’m sitting here in Glasgow laughing my head off, Scottish obviously 😂

Rab C Nesbitt is a great Scottish show to watch too

Glad you liked it, greetings to you in the USA, from Scotland

Ice cream van sketch is a must

You need to do a sketch with Rab C Nesbitt……Scottish comedy series…..it’s hilarious 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂

you should really see jack and victor in chewin the fat. one of my favourite skits is with the tazor and another with them reading. Both arguing that their book is better and the argument is them agreeing that John wayne was an Arsehole. Really funny a recommendation. Pretty sure youve tried or been advsed on still game but i wont waste my breath. stay awesome as always

If you are Scottish or are familiar with the Tayside accent then yes, you will get this and its very funny... its actually also funny watching someone with zero chance of understanding it without some form of translation, watching it baffled...

Cracking T-Shirt, mate. 👍🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿

Im from Scotland 😂 enjoy ,loved Chewing The Fat , you should also watch Still Game 😂

the only thing i understood was " stop looking at my arse you pervert " maybe cause i've heard it so many times myself . lol

Great that your are open tae it 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿

I’m from Glasgow and even I struggled with that 😂

I was half expecting an American engineer called Yankee.

I am from Glasgow and some of that dialogue is hard for me to pick up LOL

still game is by far the best thing to come out of scotch land,,,, which came from chewin the fat but you need to have knowledge of glasweigans and watch the first series in its entirety,, when you understand the banter and characters i recon you will love it it is the most beloved scotish comedy ever,,, so keep with it,,,

I can understand this as I grew up in Aberdeenshire... but yeah it's a struggle!

If you search for Chewin' the fat Stauner', or Chewin the Fat Kirkaldy Sherrif Court, you'll get some absolutely classic sketches

he was saying no danger get your seatbelts on lol

Have you seen "Rab C Nesbitt" yet? for Scottish humour, it is a must-see.

😲 Ooh, nice T-shirt! 🤘🏻💙

Chewin the fat is absolutely amazing. 😂❤

You are in for a treat on your favourite show

If you love Scotland, the Scots will love you! Get yer heid intae some 'Still Game' next. Jack and Victor will see ye right 😉

HILARIOUS!!!!😂😂😂😂😂😂

Love the AC/DC T-Shirt!

Tayside people are only 40 minutes drive from here in Glasgow... and we struggle to understand them sometimes.