Hello Subscribers: Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing. One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating. Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning! As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on KZfaq. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through. I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly. That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on KZfaq. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos. If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions ____ Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships. The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met. While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response. Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz ____ I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives. When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work. You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive. Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community ____ Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate ____ Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos. And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!” Best regards, Alan Robarge Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist www.alanrobarge.com/

this is so on point. i am getting used to patterns and if my boyfriend changes his behaviour i become suspicious and make scenarios in my mind which is so exhausting and most of the times these assuptions are not true.

He said "acting like a detective" welp...call me Mr. Gadget 👀

Pre-screening is HUGE. I never did this quite right, and it has cost me very heavily. This, and I settled for less than I wanted/needed all of my life, just because the guy was great and good and likely a catch to anyone else. I'm pretty intense and passionate, very feeling and emotional. I never ever found anyone to match this about me, never thought that I would, and maybe I won't. But, it's what I need. It's what I've always needed. And, because I settled, I lowered my own value and worth to myself. I love hard and big, and have only been with passive lovers. What a mess.

This video is really helpful and im anxously attached. its painful living in this anxiety

This is me 110%! And my boyfriend of three years has an avoidant attachment style. It's hard. There are times when he's very tuned in to my needs and we spend much time together, get close, talk often and it's almost with the snap of a finger he pulls away, withdrawals, distances himself, little communication. It's hard not to take personally. And then I end up anxiously obsessing. These videos help. Thank You!

I’ve been having issues with attracting unavailable guys then obsess about them staying connected. I would then sabotage the relationship and end up fighting with them in the end. This is very very enlightening

Trust, however, has always been an issue for me. Trusting in romantic relationships seems almost foolish, like sticking your hand in a bee hive for some sweet honey, but you KNOW that bees are in there, and you KNOW what bees do. How to override the cerebral wisdom and the nervous system's protective strategies with blind faith in flawed human beings... It's a tough puzzle.

Yes! Me again. The obsessive thinking about my ex partner. My blaming him. Me seeing myself as the victim-the good guy and he the bad guy. The denial that the real problem is that I don't want to have to admit that we simply are just not as compatible as I have longed for us to be. That we both have attachment injuries that make us interact in a certain, dysfunctional way. Both unavailable for intimacy. Another eye opener. Thank you again, Alan. You are amazing.

Spot on ..deep down I know I am unavailable .. And I always, always end up with people who are also unavailable ..I then become frustrated with the other persons unavailability... And I am sure they get frustrated by mine .. Lol two unavialable people craving the same conection but who are completely unable to drop the gaurd ..... So Strange how we can be so aware of something about our own behaviour but yet be totally unable to change it. I believe this pattern is about fear .. And Most likely its the fear or terror even , of intimacy & ultimately possible rejection , that is at the core . the irony is we will always end up feeling/being rejected anyway because that is the very thing we have created out of our fearfullness....

This is the most succinctly and well put analysis of these attachment styles I have ever heard. You are dead on and anyone who is experiencing either of them should be listening to this 16 minute video at LEAST 2 or 3 times a year to remind themselves. Thank you for sharing your insight. If this kind of information was available and we had it all on the Internet 20 and 30 years ago, I bet there are millions who would not have been married to the people they chose.

Wow. Just wow. This is me. I’m the problem and I had no idea. I’m laughing in disappointment at this plot twist. Im relieved to know what’s up with me though, Thank you

Glad I found this, I felt this hard especially at the 7:38 mark. I literally sub consciously look for signs of things tapering off. And she’s come through every time, even said she likes hanging with me even though she’s younger, she consistently shows she comes over, texting etc. don’t create demons ladies and gents, go with the flow and enjoy the moment. And when the person you like shows effort appreciate that and keep things rolling. You can’t change her or him, believe you’re worthy of a stable relationship, keep expectations realistic, still have goals and hobbies for yourself. Thank you Alan.

I feel kind of bad that I didn't just pay $80 for this session. Jesus, Alan, you're amazing.

Wow... im a fearful avoidant but in my last relationship with a dismissive avoidant, I was anxiously attached. And you just described it perfectly... i think we all need a securely attached partner while we are healing, cause if not, its impossible to work on yourself, while being constantly triggered. Great video!

This is very helpful. I'm really working on inner healing this year so I can put an end to destructive habits in my relationships.

If you suffer from this; following them on The social media platforms is a bad idea. It will presuade you obsess over the moves and thoughts of your partner. Unconditioned love and communication is needed. Thank you.

as a secure person dating an anxious preoccupied, these videos and research has made a tremendous impact on how i view his needs and how i address him. before, i was too harsh and viewed his anxieties as irrational and took them as disrespect because i’d done nothing wrong. i now see that this is simply how his mind works, and that empathy and compassion goes a long way. he is so eager and willing to improve for our relationship and now i feel more prepared to work on us

Alan. My anxious obsessing is making it difficult for me to completely focus on all of this amazing content. You're so right when you say that this type of thinking makes a person unavailable to the moment. I'm going to watch this again and again, while taking notes. THANK YOU.

Oh my god.. this is beyond nail on the head this is like hitting the definition of a dot in math, a point with no diameter or area, my god! Simply having this awareness explains my past relationships and gives me the ability to change something. You may have saved my relationship and changed my belief that there was something wrong with me... I wish I could explain how big of a deal hearing all that was, my god thank you!!

He used to do this to me. He wouldn't reply for hours but if I didn't reply almost instantly he would get angry . Once he insulted me and silenced me for a week because of this. He started being over vigilant of what I was doing and extremely jealous when he had no reason to. He was the one who had 3 women when he met me....who kept reappearing even after 5 years. All these ambiguities led me to become extremely paranoid because I knew how well he could lie. And when I asked for explanations he would give me 10 different answers . I was going crazy. I left him last week.

How do I know if I'm overthinking if she loves me or not, or if she really is losing interest? To an anxious attached person, it's all the same.

You are so right. I can see this pattern. It is so difficult to focus on your own needs. Mine just recently popped up, i wanted to have more connection with somebody who was clearly emotionally unavailable, but i did think that would change though there were hoge red flags from the start onward. Your video's are really helpful. Whish i had found them 20 years ago :-)

The secret is to drop all relationships that are angst ridden!! No point in having reationships if they cause sufferring! Life is too short!

this really described so much of what i go through and it really is crazy to hear you describe the way that i think. This is really eye opening, thank you!!

Self Honesty, mutual acceptance, and non judgmental virtues. Thanks bro!

I have never had myself explained like this before. Truly spot on. Thank you.

This man breaks it down exactly how it is, thank you Alan!

Excellent content Alan, I see the truth to this. As you said much of it is unconscious. No one would want to feel this way.. It's totally fear based I believe.

Wow I didn’t think about how my anxiety means I’m showing up unavailable...

I feel I focus more with you in the video:) You have helped me identify with my bf of two years, the relationship was going down a bad path. I'm anxious. He's avoidant, but has been working with a therapist for a long time. With working on myself, we've had the best time the past few days really connecting! So good. I realized how he held my hand to self discover this info:) I found he's kind of my hero not my enemy:) Sheesh, What a journey. It feels peaceful, thank you!

I watched this video about two weeks ago and it changed my life. Thank you so so much! It was a wake up call that I was doing too much and getting in the way of what I wanted. I decided to relax and the person I was focusing on- we are doing so well, I am confident that we will start officially dating. Before watching this video I was so frustrated and ready to give up. I thought she was the problem or that she wasn’t communicating enough, but when I started relaxing and letting go it really helped us come together. And now that I’m not acting so anxious I am feeling more confident to comfortably interact with her and she is naturally opening up to me. Thank you

This is one of the most helpful talks i've ever heard... thank you

Your ability to take complex counterintuitive concepts and explain them in a general manner which applies to most people is awesome

Amazing!!! spot on! this is me and I so want to get out of this cycle. So true, I know that I am emotionally unavailable

Alan! Thank you so much for this video! I just realized that I'm the anxiously avoidant person right now, and that I need to heal! :) Thank you so very much, cannot thank you enough!! :))

Thank you Alan. I have recently discovered the term Attachment trauma. It explains so much and has really helped me find some understanding about my craziness at this time. Much therapy needed and so much anxiety, but at least now I know what to work on. Your videos really hp me in crisis.

I focused just on his needs and ignored my own. I was also distant. Initially blamed it on him, but woke up. This helps me understand how and why I did what I did.

Im so thankful that i came across this wonderful man. I'm so inexperienced in relationship build and blinded by my own insecurities and anxiety, that i almost lost the woman i loved. When you listen to this man, you need to be open minded and judge yourself on what your doing. It's a hard thing accepting that your wrong but the moment you do it, you will start to grow and learn how to manage certain things better.

Wow. Being someone with an anxious attachment style, this video is GODSENT!

Alan Robarge : I can not thank you enough for all of your knowledge and very well articulated videos. I can just close my eyes and picture the exact same scenarios that made me feel the way that you usually mention. It’s a projection of what Is boiling behind my “keep it together smile”. And all of those views and comments. I can really believe I’m not alone. In this everyday routine I tend to neglect the importance of healing my trauma and taking care of myself. The lack of emotional intelligence is driving me crazy. Nevertheless, I just wanted to thank you and send a BIG HUG(!) to all the people who can relate to most Alan’s videos.

You are raw, fresh, vulnerable and just great!!

This is completely describing me, I always thought since I am putting so much effort I must really want to have relationship.All my life I wanted to connect but I was failing time after time. I am thinking that is related to the fact I was adopted and never admitted to myself how hurtful that felt. I will continue watching your videos, thank you for posting!

Your videos are so helpful and this series about emotional unavailability helps explain the tug of war that's been going on with me and my best friend for years.

Alan what a huge eloquence you have and speaking without sugarcoating abilities, thanks for your videos, you just have one more subscriber🎉🎉🎉

True for me. I've been repetively distroying relationships like that. Sometimes I've been asking for so much proof that I knew the other person would fail.. so I manage to end the relationship.

this was jaw dropping. i had never thought it it that way before, and feel like i've been put in my place, but in a good way. thank you.

Just happened on your work for the first time and so far it is so on point to what I experience. I recently got serious about addressing my childhood abandonment and my self defeating patterns so I am grateful I found your work.

I was so anxious in my situation until I saw this video. I realized that I become preoccupied and not being present to the situation. Thank you for this!

This makes so much sense!!!

Wow, this is good! Its shone a light on what im doing to prevent emotional connection and intimacy. Thank you!!!

Well, that's rather incredible how quite a lot of what was shared in this video, was a reflection on experiences I have had over the last 2 years... jeez... we are our own worst enemy... but what a great hurdle to be aware of and pass, a lot of learning ahead...

Thank you so much! This helped me so much. I have been feeling exactly like everything you said for almost 2 years, but i didn’t know why. Thank you for helping.

All of this makes sense. Glad you made both points that maybe the amount of attatchment each person needs could be incompatible *or* it could be due to changing demands for each person.

I'm so glad I found your videos! I'm in the waiting room of my therapist listening to your video.

I've been thinking about this a lot. I know that I have a fearful-anxious attachment style and also ocd which really affects how I at times interact with anyone I'm getting close to in that sense. It doesn't always start like that but it kicks in after a while. I wonder what it would be like to be free, more secure, and just me. To build memories and have fun instead of being in my head all the time

Fantastic video!!! Spot on it made me understand not only the pattern and problem but how to solve it.

Your content is so valuable. Really high quality information thank you!

You're amazing. Totally described my thinking.

thank you sooooo much for these; fantastic tutorials ; such wonderful confirmation; i needed to be guided by my intuition back to find you again & your wisdom...its . triggered further layers deep release of pain i was (as we do) in my head ! & trying to look outside to others ,,,,so had a chat with a friend mirroring their own issues but as you wisely say we can talk too much .. .. .but now ive surrended to the feelings .sending . love to my poor abandonned ; inner child & everyones in the world xxx) im healing childhood traumas & just taken a homeopathic remedy for TRUST!! ........love healing peace to all beings past present future & in all dimensions & time space ,,all that is as we heal this fragile world & return to love xx

Alan!!! I'm learning so much from you! I am thankful for your time and energy.

It’s comforting to know I am not alone in dealing with this. Anxiety affects me in so many ways.

YESSS! Nailed it Alan.

Your videos are my therapy outside therapy. I have been slowly progressing in my awareness of my relationship patterns. Yes, it helps to have done all that work up til now. Yes, it helps that I have an understanding and can look at those patterns differently now. I also think it really sincerely helps to have someone explain it to me in terms I can understand. I don't think it helps that a large amount of my therapists were women up to now, but the energy is different coming from a male perspective. Thank you for every single one of your videos. I have (so far) been in the right place at the right time to truly receive these messages. I have even let my therapist know what I've learned. I think it's exciting. Your insights are helping me sir. I am making a list of your videos that I have watched that have really spoken to me. Thank you.

Brilliant video! Never heard it explained this way!! Very helpful

Wow, just wow! I haven’t heard this perspective elsewhere. It’s true that all the stuff I’ve done made me “Avoidant and unavailable” as well. Truthfully, I fucked it all up and she’s told me that plenty of times too. I’ve started healing. I’ve been healing for about 3 years now. It’s taken that long because I was still in the relationship. Your explanations describe me and I did that for 5 years and it was really bad. Thank you very much! You are a professional. Your explanations are more pragmatic. I’ve done all of it and my partner has said that I am the one creating the problems. I must say that I’m fighting myself hard from feeling ashamed of myself for all of the issues and pain that I’ve caused her. Thank you very much. You’re speaking from science and it makes a huge difference in my understanding. 🙏🏿.

This was really enlightening. I am in the pre-occupied "spectrum" if you will. Nu Mindframe's video pointed that out to me. Also indicated to me that my partner is dismissive/avoidant. Yet she came to me saying that *I* pushed *her* away. My brain did a 360 lolwut!? I had not seen how this was making ME unavailable. This now makes total sense. Thank you so much for making this video. I think I have the courage to work on self soothing, see whether we can find an overlap, and accept whatever may be. Cheers!

I can't thank you enough for this!

Omg this is so freaking true!!!! This is definitely me :/ it’s crazy and messed up and I get kinda y I’m like this cuz of my upbringing but now more than ever I’m focused on healing from this.

Thanks Alan, this subject is very specialized, but so very common in relationships, thanks, and I hope you come back to posting videos soon, Many thanks!

This is spot on!!! Thank u

This makes so much sense. Thank you.

I’ve been aware of my anxious style for a year or two now, but even though I practice meditation, tapping, yoga, mindfulness, etc. to keep me present, nothing seems to get me out of my loops when I meet someone. A very close friend has told me to be more vocal about my needs early on, but it sounds like you said in this video, when you bring that up you’re blaming the other person, which I don’t want to do, especially in new dating scenarios in which being needy is vastly unattractive, so instead I try to keep it cool in our initial conversations and to leave the ball in their court to reach back out again, figuring that they will if they’re interested, and then they never do. So then I’ve lost out on the person themselves, and on expressing my needs. I think I’ve been ghosted ten times in the last few years? It’s so frustrating and depressing. ☹️☹️☹️ I must be doing something wrong right?? But I can’t afford therapy, so I just feel left behind and hopeless.

Wow. Im mind blown. This is exactly what Ive been going through, and I must think that Alan went through the same thing in the past, otherwise its blowing my mind that someone can understand it so profoundly as him. Im really trying to work on my insecure attachment style, you sir are helping me tremendously. Thank you thank you thank youuuu❤️

Wow, you described me, that's me..that's me....thank you for holding up a mirror and giving me some language.

Eye-opening, thank you....

Thank u for making this !

Thx Alan for giving all this content to us free. Listening to you while packing my belongings to move back to my own country. It's been so hard to accept that we had to end our relationship. We still love and care about each other, but we just couldn't make it work. I have found tremendous help in your videos. This video helps me see why we couldn't make it work. How I was pushing him away without even knowing. He even told me I was doing this. But I just didn't understand how he could say such a thing when I was literally telling him I needed him to talk to me about all the problems and find a way. I was 100% sure that if we just could talk things through we could fix it. Cos I really wanted to. But I understand now that we are very differently emotional attuned. I just can't get what I need/want from him and the other way around. It helps alot to see our troubles from a different perspective. It gives me clarity and I feel a bit less confused of how our relationship ended like this, even when we loved each other so much. Thx for soothing words in a very difficult time.

omg lolol!!! this is MEEEEE omg and my lover is a fearful-avoidant. I absolutely obsess over our love drama its really ridiculous and emotionally immature. I'm glad I'm at a place where I can see this now. Its unhealthy. Its compulsive, and I do fuel it. We are 10years into this cycle and I have to get better on my part. Yes, I do go into overload bc I desperately want to UNDERSTAND what is going on between us I think about it constantly. I notice absolutely everything about our interaction down to the most minute detail. WOW! THIS IS EXACTLY ME what a breath of fresh air to gain insight so I know how to move forward.... omg!!! lol. Yes I notice every minute shift.

This is a breakthrough for me. Thank you so much, Alan.

Another WONDERFUL offering Alan. I needed to hear this so badly today. Bless you and then some : )

you have a great skill of explaining the unexplainable. resonate, thank you

Very well put, I can really relate to this

You have exactly, precisely described me & my actions for the past months. Almost unbearable anxiety & conversations with self. I needed this video. Thank you

I've been watching lots of these videos and you so far the best at talking about it on a both technical and easy to follow.

Wow, this was incredibly insightful. I experienced this last week and now it makes so much more sense. Thank you!

Oh wow you described me to a T!!! I’m the anxiously attached one and new guy is avoidant. This is so helpful! I thought I was just plain insecure. This explains so much. Thank you! 🙏🏻 Big love from Australia 🇦🇺🙋🏼‍♀️

Groundbreaking video! ❤️

This is a great disclosure. I value your insight and clear style. Thank you so much.

Thank you for this!

This has been one is the best videos I’ve watched upon anxious attachment thank you 🙏

ALAN! I SAID THIS ONCE AND ILL SAY IT AGAIN!!!!!! you are amazing at what you do Alan seriously dude this is top notch content brother we have to sit down or something man

Wow this was great. Thank you.

This behaviour led me to being broken up with after 2 months of dating, he said it wasn’t healthy for us to continue and I have been devastated ever since and it’s been 5 months now. I became paranoid, suspicious, on edge, reading into every word, action and facial expression and not trusting him - he kept saying ‘I’m simple and stupid, I’m not trying to trick you’ and it just wouldn’t stick and it became a self fulfilling prophecy. He was genuinely so consistent, available, affectionate and did everything right and I’m really struggling to move on as in my mind it was ‘my fault’ even though I know it wasn’t intentional and I was doing the best I could, I have a FA attachment style and can never relax and feel like I self sabotage with anyone I develop feelings for 😞

In the last years I have not chosen most close relationships but all have been closeness that have been orchestrated by family involvement, I am a care taker for a family member so all my social relationships have not been handpicked. Due to this I have been many times in environments that do not support my emotional needs. I make attempts to connect insecurely but I have a huge distrust for individuals (after many attachment injuries). I just wish I could find people that make me feel secure and safe in which environments I do thrive. I do not know currently how to get out of the rut and make it happen after struggling with social anxiety for a few years now. I just want someone who understands me and accepts me and is not so confused by my need to feel secure in emotional attachment...

Your videos are incredibly informative and have given me so, so much insight and clarity as to why I am the way that I am. Thank you so much. I hope you come back to KZfaq and make more

thank you Alen, im learning more!! :)))

I’m like this in my friendships 😔 So insightful! I wish it was easy to fix....

Good video to explain some of the things that I did wrong that I never considered. Knowing what I did wrong helps me know what not to do in the future.

Lololol oh I'm found out. Big time. TY for this 👏🏻