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3 Psychological Factors That Make Exes Reach Out To You First
1. Reactance (The No Contact Rule)
2. Satisfaction
3. Zeigarnik Effect
What I've Learned Over The Years- It's not so much who reaches out to who first, but how satisfying the conversation is and who ends the conversation first.
The Biggest Misconception
A lot of you may know that I am a big believer in the fact that it is not about getting your ex to contact you first, as much as it is you ending the conversation first. This Is not the misconception though, the misconception is that;
Silence - Ignoring your ex will make them contact you first.
In fact. I am going to go out on a limb and say that if you ignore your ex and expect them to contact you first, that’s not usually what happens. Now I know sitting there thinking, this coming from someone who is so adamant that I need to do the No Contact Rule is telling me that this is not going to get my ex to reach out to me first.
What I have found is that everyone who is at the beginning of this process, is looking at the No Contact rule the same way;
What can this do to make them contact me?
What can this do to make them miss me?
But the point of No Contact rule is to focus on yourself, but that doesn’t answer the ultimate question, why isn't it that silence make an ex reach out to you first. I decided to use my Private Facebook Support Group to find out how silence affects your ex, asking 3700 I did a poll asking them if their ex reached out at all during the No contact rule. It showed that the majority did not have an ex reach out at all during their No Contact Period.
So why is this, I believe that Men Are Stubborn. This is the big reason why they don’t want break the silence during the no contact rule and make you to be the one to reach out to them first. But that doesn’t really answer our question about how to get them to reach out first.
There are two psychological factors that you need to master if you want your ex to reach out to you first.
Now when I say master, I mean it's just fostering an environment where it's just natural for them to want to reach out to you first. So, what are these two psychological factors that you need
Firstly, believe it or not you need to have a conversation with them, that satisfies them. Now, if you know how I do the No Contact rule. I tell women to reach out to men first, often I tell them it not important about how starts the conversation as it is who ends the conversation. But what I am not telling you there is that it gives you an opportunity to create a satisfying conversation.
Women tend to struggle with this factor, where they struggle to;
Get back in touch with their ex
Building rapport
Making conversations satisfying
Which is where you need to work on getting those conversations consistently satisfying. Now, satisfying conversations are different depending on the individuals. For some that can be a ten-minute conversation where for others it can be an hour long. So how should you end those conversations once they become satisfying?
Well this is where the second psychological factor comes into play and that is called the Zeigarnik Effect. This is something that Dr Bluma Zeigarnik once learned. “People remember interrupted or incomplete tasks better than completed ones”. In other words, people are addicted to cliff-hangers.
This is where you are interrupted in the most exciting or most interesting part to the point where you want to find out what happens next. So, when we started recommended our clients do this with their exes, we saw an almost immediate turnaround but how do we do this with your ex.
We have already spoke about the first part, you need to be having a satisfying conversation with your ex, there comes a point where that conversation becomes less satisfying and longer and more boring. You need to make sure that you end the conversation before you reach that down point, where I have told clients this is going off a gut feeling. When you are at a point where you are feeling I don't want this to end, is the precise moment you should end it.
The important thing is that you are consistent with your satisfying conversations and that you end those conversations first. Because this is what is going to make your ex naturally want to reach out to you.
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