I'm a secure type. My ex wife is avoidant. When she left, I never reached out. Only she would to ask how I was doing. When she did, I asked her out on two occasions. She avoided the answer both times, which is basically a rejection. So I started taking care of any legal and financial loose ends between us. She called me telling me it seems like I'm trying to erase her from my life. I told her I sort of am, because I'm only interested in romance, not friendship, and she can get in touch when she is interested in romance. She understood, but only after I stood my ground on this, because she tried to get me to accept acting like platonic friends that check in on each other. When I took care of the last loose end, she got angry with me. She said it was over, as if she hadn't already ended it. She hasn't reached out since, and I think that is a good thing, because she needs time to be alone to think about what she actually wants.

I’m secure and never have and never will go back.

Sadly the man I was dating would bring up romantic moments with his ex wife and it had been years since they were together. He had so much emotion about it that I could feel his love and tenderness for her. She did remarry so I can assume he felt safe to share those memories with me. I then realized our relationship was at an end because as an anxious/secure attachment person I have learned it is hard to compete with a ghost. Ironically I spent 20+ years with a husband who was avoidant and I could see the push pull in our dynamic. He too had a "ghost" and her name was Loren. Once we divorced he met an actual Loren and has been together with her for 5 years. Frankly I am just sad because I pick men who are avoidant🥺. This is definitely a learning process and it's bringing a lot of stuff up that I thought I emotionally dealt with...Sigh...

No contact of close to a year before they reach out is more like the reality especially when the dumper is a female! It's been my experience multiple times.., unfortunately every time I have so far outgrown the idea of a rekindling the relationship, that they are merely a person I once knew!

My ex told me that he told me his deepest, darkest stuff which he didnt even tell his therapist... Things were great for 6 months, altho he was still scared to be too vulnerable. He was seeing nightmares in which i leave him. Then, right after our 6th month celebration, he told me that he loves me, but he is not in love with me... Havent contacted him since. It's been 5 weeks

It’s bold of you to assume that we are still in contact and that I would know any of these are happening with him. LOL

Been doing no contact sort of by default off and on for a few years - figured I'd give it a bit longer than normal maybe - gaining strength day by day - especially recently I've really started doing better by finding the community of people on YT thru various channels like this... it seems like a trail of wreckage of relatively well (better ?) adjusted people in numbers that would circle the earth several times... My story had *many* twists and and complicating factors / other relationships for both of us... For my part I always think of the lines from Dylan's song 'Tangled Up in Blue' where he sings "I helped her out of a jam I guess... but I used a little too much force..." I will never claim to being the perfect partner in any aspect - but I was a good, loyal friend and we always just had FUN together. It was difficult to find time to make it happen because of all those complications... but I never felt until the very end that it was anything to do with the core of feelings towards each other or the relationship itself... just very crazy schedules and being an hour or so away from each other. But to just pull the plug on *everything* from out of the blue. In my weaker moments I'll just contemplate the big picture of it all and catch myself physically shaking my head - thankfully mostly past the point of *blaming* myself... but still just not remotely understanding how two people who shared what we did (or what I *thought* we did) could be absolutely nuked from orbit by one of us. And that person does it with surgical precision and virtually no emotion. I'm late 40s and thought this sort of drama was long gone for me - never dreamed I'd encounter something like this amongst supposedly high functioning adults. It is remarkable...

Great video. Dealing with the push/pull rule...how long can this period last? Overall, is there a timeframe in which we can see we might get back with our ex's?

Indeed,he texted me few days ago after 2 months on NC xD

I have to admit, the no contact rule has really worked for me. After I stopped initiating discussions with my (now ex) partner, he seemed to drop me odd messages here and there, wishing me well etc. or finding minor excuses to chat. My ex shows so many signs that he's not over me and may still come back around in the future, but due to his own personal circumstances (recent and sudden family difficulties which have majorly disrupted his life and forced him to move home indefinitely) I often wonder whether my chances are different to others in more 'normal' circumstances (in addition to the major clashes we faced while we were together). He says that he 'feels bereft without me' and that he's 'still mad about me' but is really heavily suggesting that we're only going to remain friends from now on. I'm not sure why I should hold on to him if that's the case because he offers me nothing as his friend, but I know I should support him through the personal difficulties he's having with his family. Dunno what to do.