Clay Andrews: 5 Stages Of Getting Your Ex Back

Рет қаралды 15,657

Күн бұрын

Next check out this video on connecting emotionally with your ex: • How To Emotionally Con...
In this video, Clay from modernlove.life talks about the emotional stages that your ex goes through when getting back together with you. He explains that your ex doesn't just make a spontaneous decision to get back together with you, but goes through a process of learning to trust you, themselves, and the dynamic between the two of you.
Clay discusses the five emotional stages that your ex's go through after a breakup - wall of reactance, test drive, riding the dragon, crisis point and new beginnings.
He explains the first stage, which is the wall of reactance, where your ex feels emotional resistance when they sense that you have an ulterior motive or are trying to manipulate them towards your own agenda. Clay notes that understanding your ex's emotional level is essential if you want to get back together with them without using mind games, playing hard to get, or using the no-contact rule.
Learn more about the other stages by finishing this video.
Subscribe to my newsletter: modernlove.life/newsletter/
-
Modern Love is a place where we teach you to have a strong and committed relationship and be loved for who you are. We are interested in working with people who are open-minded, easygoing, and not prone to bringing a lot of drama to a coaching relationship.
For the right fit of people, we do a deeper level of work, involving personal development, self-examination, working on their way of being, and taking a proactive approach to how they bring themselves to life and relationships. If you are a heart-centred, open-minded, and easy-going person who is ready and prepared to do the work, you are invited to apply for our coaching services.
Build Stronger Connection - Ex Solution Program: modernlove.life/esp
Overcome the Pain of Breakup - Emotional Freedom (Formerly "Compatibility Code"): modernlove.life/ef
Work with us 1-1: Unstuck Coaching: modernlove.life/coaching
-
Buy my books here: www.amazon.com/Clay-Andrews/e...
Connect with Clay Andrews:
Facebook Group: / 2869492189947383
Instagram: claymodernl...
Facebook Page: / modernlovelife
Podcast: itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/c...
-
DISCLAIMER:
This is an internet video, and it should be obvious, but this video and other videos on this channel should not be taken as a substitute for the evaluation of a psychologist, therapist, counsellor, etc. This video and other videos on this channel are intended for informational uses only, and only reflect the personal opinions of the creator. The creator of this video is not responsible for your actions or choices or the consequences of your actions or choices.

Пікірлер: 70

@ClayAndrews Жыл бұрын

Next check out this video on connecting emotionally with your ex: kzfaq.info/get/bejne/n8-Zas9j07mVkWg.html

@rideoutlondon Жыл бұрын

Hey Clay. My ex broke up with me 11 weeks ago. I did two weeks NC and saw her in a coffee shop at lost it. I asked her to come back to me (no begging or pleading) but she refused. I have been giving her space and reaching out every two weeks or so since. We are at the stage where she is willing to meet, but is hesitant and says it wont bring her back to me so doesn't see the point. I have said it's as friends and not to worry... She seems agreeable to that. She said she doesn't want to upset me anymore, and friends might not work if she tells me she's seeing someone else.... Not sure if that means she's seeing someone or not, but it's irrelevant atm as I just want to go the friend route and build on the emotional connection to maybe bring her back... I believe she is avoidant as when things got a bit too serious she bolted...

@Anjinmo9284 8 ай бұрын

@@rideoutlondon I’m in a similar situation , how did it turn out ? Can you please lmk

@rideoutlondon 8 ай бұрын

@@Anjinmo9284 Badly I wasn’t emotionally there to be her friend so we are not talking atm

@JoeYeezy Жыл бұрын

Its crazy how I watched you in highschool exactly 10 years ago to get my ex back (which worked) but then life happened and we seperated, dated other people and reconnected. I now realize I want her back again and this time, for good. And here I am, 10 years later, watching your videos again. Thanks alot Clay!

@ClayAndrews Жыл бұрын

I’m honored that you would even remember me from that long ago!

@Jakuboooooooooo Жыл бұрын

That’s a good story. How’s it it going?

@kitsunefoxx9701 9 ай бұрын

@@ClayAndrewsofcourse we would remember clay, you're the one that gave us hope, and watching your videos is my coping mechanism after the breakup with my ex rn : (

@jarradhurley4866 5 ай бұрын

This makes a lot more sense than "oh yeah, just go no contact. Say nothing forever and theyll chase you".

@Karl-wx8zx Жыл бұрын

Man, after watching a lot of things on the internet I gotta say that your strategy makes most sense because it relies on both people communicating when they’re ready and if they both want to reestablish connection. No manipulations or tricks. We’ll see how it goes but it seems that instead of a breakup it was just a big argument. Thanks man.

@i_Gotcha_ Жыл бұрын

right? its facts. hes not a snake oil salesman selling us on "no contact" or certain method. I like his methods alot. Some form of not being a robot and following a protocol. Every situation and people are maluable so its not a one size fits all method.

@luanas.563 10 ай бұрын

You're the best, Clay. My ex broke up with me about 4 months ago and I intuitively went no contact, but I was in so much pain since it was the best and healthiest relationship I've ever been in and I was totally blindsided by the breakup. At first I was skeptical about your approach but decided to give it a try, so after 2 months of NC I reached out to him. I felt he was kinda reluctant on our first dates so I was still skeptical, but it turns out the stages you describe seem to be pretty accurate... We've been reconnecting at an emotional level and on our last dates he was so clearly open and in love again, I'm really feeling like we're gonna get back together soon. Speaking in terms of attachment theory I could say he's more on the avoidant side and I'm more anxious, but we're both working on ourselves and if anything I believe this breakup could make our bond stronger. So now I came back to this video to get some insight on the last stages you describe and to thank you - a lot :) Just weeks ago I'd never guess I'd have him back to being all loving and tender, and had I stick to the NC bullshit I might actually never did.

@debasishhuzuri9372 3 ай бұрын

Update??

@DavidVelasquez9 Жыл бұрын

Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her

@DailamiPuang Жыл бұрын

its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let her go i did all i could to get her back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring her back

@DavidVelasquez9 Жыл бұрын

@@DailamiPuang Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach her?

@DailamiPuang Жыл бұрын

@@DavidVelasquez9 Her name is Sylvia Regina White, and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.

@DavidVelasquez9 Жыл бұрын

@@DailamiPuang Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive

@timothycolbert3537 Жыл бұрын

Some very good points here and insightful. Well done. One of the thing I take exception with is these videos are about what the other person needs to feel safe. When do we as dumpees get to have our needs met? At some point the person we’re trying to repair a relationship with has to come over to our side and give us some of the things we need to continue the process. If it is constantly about what they need to feel safe that is a bottomless black hole. At some point even someone doing the right things and meeting the other persons needs is going to say fuck this I’m done and give up. Then the emotionally confused person is like “where’d he go?? - why isn’t he pursuing??” Honestly - I’d like to hear from the perspective of what the confused dumper should be doing on the other side to regain our trust respect and make it worthwhile to even think about giving them another chance after all the confusing texts breadcrumbs hot cold behavior and the pain they have inflicted. At some point no matter how much each other care, it’s no longer worth the dog and pony show and the dumpee says I’m out and is gone for good. I totally understand some relationships should be left alone. But sometimes there is confusion and lingering feelings and it’s worth working on. The dumpee is always assumed to have F’d up somehow and that’s not always the case. Many times it is, but there are many good honest well meaning people who have been cast aside like trash who didn’t deserve it. The dumpee tends to suffer more and it always comes back to us and our responsibility to fix things. Blame lies on both sides in a relationship but The dumper took it away they should be the ones to do majority of the heavy lifting and put it back In an otherwise healthy decent relationship ….IFFFFF….it’s to be saved.

@anja9366 4 ай бұрын

this is so accurate it's crazy...

@angelikaszmit8002 Ай бұрын

I wish i came across your videos 3 months ago 😞 that stupid no contact rule put me further away with my ex. Now since im applying your advise, everything starting to get better 🙏

@mangogirlknight 7 ай бұрын

Thank you so much. Everywhere I’ve looked they’ve told me to do no contact but it just never felt right. I’m going to listen to your advice and ask them to hang out (just as friends) this weekend! Will come back to this comment in a few weeks or months when I’ve either moved on or we’ve gotten back together. My gut is telling me we will but I wanna make sure I do it right!

@jamiekelly6518 Ай бұрын

Update?

@fargracingco.3135 4 ай бұрын

Clay, it’s been almost two weeks since the breakup and I’m currently feeling the transition from the test drive to riding the dragon! We met up for the first time and there was a lot of smiling and giggling on her end. I really felt the emotional connection because she was so excited to tell me things that were going on in her life. She said she wants to get back together in the somewhat near future but wants us to work on ourselves. She is an avoidant so I think I am extremely lucky here considering how stubborn they can be sometimes. If anyone is reading this and is in a similar situation, my best advice is; listen to Clay, be the person they fell in love with at first, and trust the process!

@WilliamCarter-sv7ny Жыл бұрын

Hey Clay! Commenting first to get ready for your video today. Thank you for all your videos as they're very helpful. I wanted to ask if you have any advice about my current situation. My gf of 3.5 yrs broke up with me March 2nd. It came outta left field. I haven't heard from her since, only bread crumbs from mutual friends. I reached out a couple times early on saying the door is open and I'm working on myself but idk what else to do. Idk if we will ever talk again or she just needs more space. I'm worries the more space between us the more she will never come back. I've really enjoyed working on myself and becoming a better person but I still miss my best friend.

@benithacalloway8286 Жыл бұрын

Never tell your ex you’re working on yourself. They’ll know. Give her silence of no contact also to friends and family

@sbenson8831 Жыл бұрын

Love to swe a video on how to handle each stage

@mariequinn2233 2 ай бұрын

The no contact is really effective I done it less than 30days thanks very much

@Everly-hx3wy Жыл бұрын

We were connecting and getting close... but it's never emotional or deep enough. I realize hes been closed off since the relationship even started. I can't figure out how to spend time with him and help his walls go down so we can connect. We were like at the end of Riding the Dragon and for some reason they're cold.. but they were never really warm either.. So I have no idea. It's LDR :( I feel hopeless

@Photo-ms1mo Жыл бұрын

They don't know what they want And you can't do much about it either 😅 They are confusing themselves with keeping hidden options, even when they have been caring in the relationship they are sabotaging it. Looking for the way out.

@benithacalloway8286 Жыл бұрын

Yep fearful disorder

@MowThemDownTV 9 ай бұрын

I really compare to riding the dragon fase so many mixed feelings she shows one day she loves me one day she wants distance. Then she asking questions again. Yesterday she texted me often suddenly and then out of nowhere she says I want no contact because I’m dreaming about you with another girl and it’s not good for her mental health.. the same night she texted me “I’m sitting so deep” and “nevermind sorry for texting” haven’t heard from her since 2days ago any advice?

@michaelwilliamson7590 11 ай бұрын

I've been with my wife for 20 years and married for 14 years. We have 4 children and we are separated. I would like to earn her back. And would like to take your advice. I just need some help to get through things. Explain some stuff to see whats going on besides this. Peace

@beverlydsouza8561 Жыл бұрын

Hey clay

@lmart16 Жыл бұрын

If they don't want to connect or text at all when you reach out, they're probably an avoidant. I know reaching out within the first one to two weeks after I, an FA, cut everything off is honestly very horrible advice.

@SirenaSpades 4 ай бұрын

They may just not want to be with you. It doesn't make them avoidant.

@Photo-ms1mo Жыл бұрын

They did shut down. Because they are a cheaters. Wanting to explore new options and dating other people. But provoking and using the argument as an excuse for breaking up.

@Erin_Kat 6 ай бұрын

I went through all of this with my ex (5 1/2 years together, monogamous). He monkey branched, and 4 months later we started dating again, but he was still dating his rebound. (I knew this) They were calling it a "friends with benefits" relationship, and he wasn't giving her up. I got false hope that him and I starting to date again was going to make him want to be with just me, and that we could have a fresh start. But in the end, he wasn't going to give her up, and he said that he realizes that just one person isn't going to be all the things he needs, and he wants non-monogamous relationships now. (Seems like she got into his head with the whole idea). And he said he wanted me to "share" him with her. I ended up cutting it off. Went no contact 2 months ago, and he's starting to reach out, but I'm just being cordial and am meeting him on the energy level that he's giving me. I'm so lost with everything. Don't even know if they're still together, and don't know what to do. I'm just taking it one day at a time for now, I guess.

@thelegacyladyathome Жыл бұрын

Hey there Clay, my question is if my ex and I have been apart for a year and he is supposedly back with his ex prior , why would he be offering to help me with my business and sending me a gift ?

@benithacalloway8286 Жыл бұрын

He wants to connect with you. He’s not over you.

@Unxpekted Жыл бұрын

Would you say 3 months is too long to wait to reignite with an ex? We haven’t shared any communications since the BU but have plans to potentially meet in a few weeks

@Jakuboooooooooo Жыл бұрын

3 months is definitely not too long. To be honest no amount of time is too much, and less than 3 months can be too soon a lot of times

@Unxpekted Жыл бұрын

@@Jakuboooooooooo well said. Feeling positive about this!

@samsonite3716 5 ай бұрын

she broke up after 3 1/2 years to make experiences. i gave her space and went into meditation and spirituality to fix some broken abilities i had from my childhood. one month later she said she had sex with someone else because it was just easy going (we had troubles here for a long time) but she knows now, that she needs love to have sex. she says that she loves me more than anything and that i am family to her but at the same time she feels free now. i try just to be there for her and talk to her but not in a pushy way, she still has her space but its hurting me a lot and messing up my good/bad energy. its like she/we went through 4 of those 5 stages in a single week now. its exactly 8 days that we have contact again, we met and talked a lot, cried a lot, opened up in a totally new way. she also hopes that we find back together but she feels lost and confused atm. what shall i do? :(

@benithacalloway8286 Жыл бұрын

Dropping the emotional pressure don’t you think that may make them comfortable to keep you on a Frien zone

@Photo-ms1mo Жыл бұрын

Or the Far Zone 🤣

@markai2002 Жыл бұрын

It's are for you to be seen as a friend if you're an ex they had a really good relationship with and loved. You're also only dropping the pressure for the time being, while you grow the positive feelings back. Once you have a better connection reestablished, you'll want to start flirting and the likes to make it more romantic.

@benithacalloway8286 Жыл бұрын

@@Photo-ms1mo yep 😀

@benithacalloway8286 Жыл бұрын

@@markai2002 that’s a waste of time. You just have to be there and follow their intentions. As friendship they would want to have the cake and eat it too. Believe me

@markai2002 Жыл бұрын

@@benithacalloway8286 Why would I believe you instead of a relationship coach with years of experience? If your ex did that, then that's truly terrible, but not all situations are the same, and Clay's advice has given me success.

@dan11thehands Жыл бұрын

She broke up 3 months ago i took her for granted i only sent 1 hello text after 1 month she was angry another hello text after second months she was angry now another month went by what to do how long shes going to be angry i didnt beg cry i did work on myself cause yes i had to be better... I put more details in comment section thx

@benithacalloway8286 Жыл бұрын

You broke no contact that’s why. Go back to no contact and give it time

@markai2002 Жыл бұрын

@@benithacalloway8286 No offense but you give the worst advice, please avoid doing that

@benithacalloway8286 Жыл бұрын

@@markai2002 elaborate please. Correct me

@markai2002 Жыл бұрын

@@benithacalloway8286 Please tell how ignoring someone will make them want to have a new relationship with you 💀 Will they miss you? Sure. Will that repair the hurt that is keeping them from connecting with you? No. It's really simple.

@benithacalloway8286 Жыл бұрын

@@markai2002 psychology found that space distance make human forget the bad part

@rosequartz1889 Жыл бұрын

Clay, your videos give me hope. This crisis point combined with no contact is so scary! I feel like I’m losing him. In my situation I broke up with him. We remained close and talking on the phone for 6 months. When I approached getting together he had an initial backing off, but then warmed back up. Things were going really well. I wasn’t putting pressure on him and letting things unfold naturally. We had been connecting emotionally and laughing too, like we always had.. Work got busy for him and I took it the wrong way. Add in the crisis point to the mix. (Tho work could just have been crisis point in disguise) I reacted emotionally and did everything you’re not supposed to do. In my mind it felt like the tables had turned and now he was breaking up with me. Abandonment stuff got triggered and I panicked. Now we are not speaking at all. It all came out of nowhere. I guess I’m doing “no contact” now, but I’m truly using the time to work on myself with self help books, therapy, and meditation. I’m afraid there is no hope. I think NC is appropriate for us both to get space from what has felt like a cloud of drama. Is there any coming back from this? (Sorry for the long comment - no expectations on a reply)

@Photo-ms1mo Жыл бұрын

That's an unrealistic advice to say the least 🙄

@markai2002 Жыл бұрын

How so?

@Photo-ms1mo Жыл бұрын

Because what Clay says it will just push your Ex further away in 90% of cases