Coercive Control: Sneaky, Subtle & Sadistic Patterns of Domination

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Coercive Control: Sneaky, Subtle & Sadistic Patterns of Domination

Рет қаралды 38,746

Dr. Rhoberta Shaler - Help for Toxic Relationships

Күн бұрын

Have you heard the term, coercive control? You may not have as it's just slowly coming to awareness. And, it is SO important that it does! Coercive control is life-sucking!
Understanding what is included in Coercive Control helps you understand if that's what you're experiencing. You need to know!!!
HIGHLIGHTS OF TODAY'S EPISODE:
- What is coercive control?
- Why it is a 'gendered' issue?
- Why law enforcement as too often failed to look at the repeating patterns of non-physical abuse.
- How intimidation fits into coercive abuse.
- Why you need to really understand how destructive this and how it breaks you down over time
- Why documenting the things that are said, done, and left undone in the relationship is SO important
That's why I've chosen to give you an understanding of the many aspects of coercive control in today's episode. Evan Stark, PhD, coined the term"coercive control" and he defines it this way,
"...an ongoing pattern of domination by which male abusive partners primarily interweave repeated physical and sexual violence with intimidation, sexual degradation, isolation, and control."
Does any of that sound like something that has happened to you? Stark writes about men because he says that coercive control is a 'gendered' issue. He writes about this in his paper, "Re-Presenting Battered Women: Coercive Control and the Defense of Liberty."
Stark says,
"The primary outcome of coercive control is a condition of entrapment that can be hostage-like in the harms it inflicts on dignity, liberty, autonomy, and personhood as well as to physical and psychological integrity."
Does this sound familiar in any way to you? Have you felt degraded, diminished, discounted, and devalued by a toxic partner, one of those folks I call #Hijackals®?
Listen in, and subscribe.
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I am Dr. Rhoberta Shaler, The Relationship Help Doctor.
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Пікірлер: 296

@americanladybug3354 Жыл бұрын

My ex-husband I believe is a psychopath and sadist. The only emotion I saw in him in 20 years was joy watching me suffer, even strangling me once. When I would stand up for myself he would punish me. Withhold food, money, conversation etc. He wanted me to beg. He would lift the punishment after a few days thinking I'd learned my lesson. I hadn't, I was planning my escape. I woke up a few times to him standing over me watching me sleep. He had dead eyes, I knew he was debating strangling me. I got away and now have a good life. No one will ever control me again. People like him are pure evil. Everything you said is 100% accurate.

@fishstickbio594 Жыл бұрын

👏…every single female deserves to live free of fear and abuse .

@marthawhite3353 4 ай бұрын

When a partner strangles you, even 'playfully,' he is 7 times more likely to kill you. The research shows that, you were very lucky to leave.

@megdhd 4 ай бұрын

Same. No strangulation, but his favorite thing was to lift me up as high as he could and drop me on the floor. So he could say he never “hit” me.

@Atlas_Uncharted 3 ай бұрын

I'm so sorry that you ever had to live through that. Your story is powerful for all the victims out there. If you're reading this and suspect that you're experiencing coercive control or any form of abuse, there are services out there. You are not alone, and it is not your fault.

@danadhorn 5 ай бұрын

Please don't label any woman in this awful situation a doormat. She is not. She is more likely paralyzed, having to consider the consequences of every action from every angle, knowing everything is a trap. Her decisions are not her own. A doormat lays down where it belongs to be walked on. It implies her place. I'm not intending to take anything away from your hugely important message. I'm grateful for your insight.

@Chibis417 2 ай бұрын

Thank you 🙏

@carolinevdvlies6969 Ай бұрын

True! Its also the traumabonding which keep you stuck. And women dó get angry as well which can be quite dangerous also cause it can make you do things beyond your control. I got out just in time and still celebrating my freedom after 2 years

@dennisrobinson8008 22 күн бұрын

@danadhorn in western society?

@danadhorn 22 күн бұрын

@@dennisrobinson8008 Absolutely. I cannot speak for anything other than what I have encountered. I do, however, believe that power and control dynamics are universal. Prevalence and visibility are different.

@tityhuisman1478 21 күн бұрын

They judge and victimblame the target so the perpetrator bully will not be seen with their dark actions. Perpetrators can report it to authoroties because the are with more and the victim is in the minority vulnerable and alone and isolated and paralyzed and made exhausted and confused. People that have power and operate in a postion of power. Being fearless and take your power back.

@annbell3864 2 жыл бұрын

I removed myself from my whole extended family and only one cousin cared at all he would never see me again. No more weddings or funerals. Nothing.

@shgnamaste7730 2 жыл бұрын

I've been in an emotionally abusive relationship for 20 years. However, in the past few years I _finally_ realized that one the abusive things he has done was sadistic. Despite journaling about it for the past few years, which helped me gain clarity on narcissism, I didn't manage to label it as sadistic until recently. It takes time. I've been looking up videos intended to help victims of domestic violence and I'm happy that there are tons of material out there for us. Which I'm immensely relieved about! Thank you for sharing your thoughts! Thank you.

@kaystephens2672 2 жыл бұрын

It's not your fault. We come from these kinds of families. They trained us for this b's.

@angelgreenway9950 7 ай бұрын

Gratitude for this. For all those battling abuse, there is hope. May you Remember your worth and find your way to interal peace and joy again.

@fishstickbio594 2 жыл бұрын

Finally the coercive control law arrived in America ! This is great news for all the ladies who were in this abusive relationship . Lawyer up and get your life back .Thx for being here for the oppressed population . Spread the knowledge about this too. The future of females is much better now …..

@jimcole6423 2 жыл бұрын

Victim or volunteer? That is the question.

@fishstickbio594 2 жыл бұрын

Jim Cole …..we both know the colonial history of America and the constitution as in today . Do NOT insult my intelligence .

@groovy-momma418 Жыл бұрын

It just became law here in Washington state on july 1st. Where else is it law now?

@user-wy4sr7dt2g Жыл бұрын

Are you kidding. Talk about victim blaming. Shame on you for your comment. My 83 yr old mother is currently being emotionally and psychologically abused by y my sister and all mom did was allow her to stay with her after my brither in law passed away. The treatment I witnessed in the past couple weeks and the information given to me makes me sick. In 1 yr my mom has gone from a beautiful healthy ,happy, funny social independent women to a frail, confused, frightened women who's reality is being manipulated. She did not volunteer or sign up for this abuse. Your comment disgusts me.

@user-wy4sr7dt2g Жыл бұрын

The above reply is to Jim Cole.

@KetinaShekina 4 жыл бұрын

They enjoy the coercition and your suffering,I saw them smile while I was crying ,they are sadistic narcissist people,for them its all about humiliation and control,absolutly toxic and cruel.

@ForRelationshipHelp 4 жыл бұрын

You're right, sadly enough! I call it the "Hijackal smirk." You might find value in visiting this page: facebook.com/Hijackals

@elijahmohamed1886 3 жыл бұрын

i know it's pretty randomly asking but does anybody know of a good place to watch newly released movies online ?

@acejake7500 3 жыл бұрын

@Elijah Mohamed Flixportal =)

@elijahmohamed1886 3 жыл бұрын

@Ace Jake thank you, signed up and it seems like they got a lot of movies there =) I appreciate it!

@acejake7500 3 жыл бұрын

@Elijah Mohamed Happy to help :D

@hilarycoombes9994 2 жыл бұрын

My father (I am 58 now) was a covert narcissist and coercive controller. It did dreadful damage to my sense of self/autonomy. It was like the word "NO" didn't exist for me. Tactics were predominantly shaming; shunning; back-handed "compliments"; threats of beating (my brother, 7 years older, did get beaten and I was so petrified I'd do anything to avoid it). I was an incredibly anxious child with little confidence. He hated his children having self-respect or being cleverer than him (which we both were). I would have to be quietly threatened by my mum to spend any time alone with him. He could then sometimes be more giving - primarily physical things however, not emotional things. I couldn't "read" him, and for a small child that is a bewildering clusterfuck of damage; no trust, unable to identify or process feelings. Humiliation in public was a favourite, eg extended family dinners.

@danchandler7112 3 жыл бұрын

This is what my mother has been doing to me my whole life.

@ForRelationshipHelp 3 жыл бұрын

So sad. I hope that seeing it clearly can help you recognize that anything she told you about who you are is most likely her fabrication to feel powerful. It has nothing to do with who you really are.

@shgnamaste7730 2 жыл бұрын

And she knows that she would be able to use the type of relationship to her advantage for as long as it worked. I imagine that she (and any other toxic person that could be assisting her) would be working on prolonging it as much as possible. I hope that you're doing better.

@danchandler7112 2 жыл бұрын

@@shgnamaste7730 I see it so muck more clearly now. And I am trying to rebuild myself from it.

@beaconoftruth6586 3 жыл бұрын

I can HEAR the genuine concern you have for others in your voice. You are a beautiful soul and i thank you for your service to others' well-being! 🙏

@ForRelationshipHelp 3 жыл бұрын

Thank you for reaching out. You're welcome!

@cherrycola0 3 жыл бұрын

Unfortunately I was with a partner for 3 years that used this under the guise of BDSM. It was so subtle, the lies, the excuses, the pushing of boundaries. Not only was he a sociopath but he was a sadist. The biggest warning sign was “ at least if I hurt you, I will be there to dry your tears”. My absolute sanity was assaulted and I had no idea at the time. He put me on a pedestal and set it on light. He always spoke well about me. But that was linked to his image. Took me 3 years to figure it out why I was dipping into a depression and losing myself. I gave up and was his most prized doormat that he turned into a slave. Thank you for this :) it’s great to see all this put into perspective!

@ForRelationshipHelp 3 жыл бұрын

I'm so glad you're out of that situation now. It can be all very subtle, sneaky, and nasty. The trauma-bonding of "at least if I hurt you, I'll be there to dry your tears" is classic! It sounds like he may have had what we call The Dark Triad: narcissism, psychopathy, and Machievellian tendencies. It's the worst! Congratulations on extricating yourself and knowing you deserve SO much better. I wish you well. Rhoberta

@cherrycola0 3 жыл бұрын

@@ForRelationshipHelp i think you hit that on the head with the dark triad. Never heard of it before but just looked it up. He used a lot of trauma bounding come to think of it. It’s been two months since I’ve freed myself, and thanks to these wonderful videos, I can see the all the hoovering and a lot more other things I never saw when I had rose colored shades on. It’s almost predictable now. Thank you again for all this content! With absolute sincerity.

@shgnamaste7730 2 жыл бұрын

I'm sorry that you went through that, Amber. He was abusing you sexually as well. He found one particular outlet that was appealing to him because it worked his manipulation further into your life. I'm happy to hear that you have escaped and I sincerely hope you are surrounded by wonderful relationships.

@dottyp137 3 жыл бұрын

It isn’t only males who do this. In fact it was the abuse of a man by a woman that made coercive control a crime in the UK.... and it isn’t just about sex and doesn’t have to include physical violence, although there’s often the threat.... I just wanted to make that clear, because it’s important to get this right. Otherwise you might mislead a person to believe it’s not happening to them.

@user-sh3vv4fd2rMr.K 2 жыл бұрын

Thank you, my therapist tells me its rare, but it certainly happens to men from abusive women as well. Think of Paul Sheldon in the movie Misery, that movie is a description of the marriage I am escaping from, but in a metaphorical sense. Being psychologically crippled, and isolated, and forced to change the narrative of your story, trauma-bonded, incapable of leaving... love bomb, devalue punish, rinse/repeat.

@dennisrobinson8008 Жыл бұрын

Rare? Most men are controlled

@annazastocka-solarek7547 9 ай бұрын

What someone can do to help someone like that ?

@billyd1436 6 ай бұрын

Men are more apt to use physical force, and women abuse relationally”… ie coercive control using emotional and psychological abuse.

@melissalechner8649 Ай бұрын

@Integritytheroadlesstraveledyes! It was 100% my mother who coerced, controlled and manipulated my kind, generous and empathic father and he literally became fully enmeshed and let her isolate him from his family, friends and contact with the outside world. All to serve her every whim

@tylerfast106 Жыл бұрын

I’m a man and have never had an issue with a woman coming on to me or I initiating until my recent ex. We did start out in a sexual way so it was unhealthy from the start. Now that being said early on something in my brain got very uncomfy with her push for sex and extreme displays of pda. I asked to slow things down so we could really get to know each other on a deep level as that would help me open up again. From there I was guilt tripped, coerced, told that “don’t worry it was for her” when I froze up, and treated passively aggressively about not pleasing her. Never in my life had I experienced freezing up before sex and not being able to initiate. What made it worse was she was extremely sweet and then her feelings shut off after 6 months and she completely discarded me. Something in my mind was warning me I believe. And I am left with extreme trauma and cognitive dissonance over who this person really was. Still struggling everyday.

@ninaz2120 2 жыл бұрын

Police and government use these tactics as well.

@Journeyoflove13 3 жыл бұрын

You're one of the kindest ladies. Thank you for helping us! ❤

@ForRelationshipHelp 3 жыл бұрын

You're welcome!

@lynnschaeferle-zh4go 6 ай бұрын

My ex was a mathematician. He sat next to me and he said he was working on equations. No, he had a code. When I talked he would plot and plan whatever was important to me he would covert into numbers (code) and then he knew exactly how to undermine me. Theynever ever care so never ever tell them that you are hurting.

@Theowlhawk 2 жыл бұрын

Thank you. Awareness is key. Sad how they sneak up on you pretending, as "good" hearted, helpful, when really they are not! Guard down, as set boundary, clarity as a friendship, no interest in a relationship, yet they twisted, manipulated, as if more, cause they did some DIY for me. ( I did half of it) I was fair, provided meals, drinks, snacks yet Hidden agenda! Ownership! Dominance. Its very upsetting to feel fooled, and putting your self in danger! I realise I was manipulated, I was acting in good faith, trust, sincere, decency, generous all to be used, twisted against me. I feel uncomfortable in my own home, ruminating, while he drives up, down the road, keeping an eye on me.

@ForRelationshipHelp 2 жыл бұрын

You're welcome. I hope you are safe now.

@MattMussett 2 жыл бұрын

💯

@stardustsparkles22 Жыл бұрын

This is what's happening with me. He literally STALKS me everywhere!! He's obviously insane. Sorry for what you've gone through.:⁠-⁠(

@demetricchapman460 Жыл бұрын

Almost the same for me too

@samf.s8786 2 жыл бұрын

I swear to God Dr. Shaler, if it weren't for psychiatrists and therapists actually being informative and therefore validating the abuse I suffered, I would have still thought that something is wrong with me... Everything was wrong with me around these people, even when I'm at absolute perfection they used to find ways to insult and humiliate me. It was psychological torture... I have never in my life known what it's like to be loved, good thing is that I CAN LOVE ME and that's enough. Everything else is just a supplement.

@justice8563 Жыл бұрын

I’m dealing with this from my sister and brother and it’s killing me. I will never overcome the trauma they have caused.

@ForRelationshipHelp Жыл бұрын

Can you get away from them and their influences? I hope so.

@getupandgo77 2 жыл бұрын

a description of my relationship in 30 minutes

@samiyam3949 3 жыл бұрын

this is what I went through, so glad I got out before he finished me off

@ForRelationshipHelp 3 жыл бұрын

Good for you! I'm glad you did, too.

@shgnamaste7730 2 жыл бұрын

I'm glad you made it too, Sami! How are things? Are you dating again?

@samiyam3949 2 жыл бұрын

@@shgnamaste7730 no but Tysm for asking. I wouldn’t subject my trauma onto someone else right now. I’m getting stronger all the time though, and I learned a lot… I was thinking about something funny the other day and that was there’s a Star Trek episode about what happened between me and my husband it was the one where the bed bedizoid therapist came to the next generation enterprise, and Deanna the ships counselor was falling in love with him because he’s so charming… He had an old gruzzily old woman with him that was nasty and snapping and hateful whom he introduced as his crazy mother..., it was found out in the coarse of the episode that this woman with him was not his crazy mother but actually his wife, because he had figured out a way to funnel into her all of his negativity and drama, and by doing this, he could then experience a few moments of good emotional attunement… So I don’t remember how the episode ended, but Deanna called off the wedding

@peacefulpolice2732 3 жыл бұрын

Sounds like you're talking about cops. They're the most sadistic people I've ever met.

@ForRelationshipHelp 3 жыл бұрын

Hi, Some cops are sadistic, and they are in the news. Most are not, but any profession that gives people power over others is prone to a few #Hijackals in the mix, sadly enough.

@mellejobs7412 3 жыл бұрын

Their job is literally force

@mowthpeece1 3 жыл бұрын

Some. But since they're supposed to catch murderers, rapists, child molesters, etc., which definitely ARE sadistic, I think they're selected that way when they're given their psych exams when they're first hired.

@shgnamaste7730 2 жыл бұрын

You're likely going to experience it more in the workplace than anywhere else if you're currently in a healthy home life.

@stardustsparkles22 Жыл бұрын

Spread the word about this, psychopathy, and narcissistic people as much as you can, and how they operate. That's the only way to defeat them. Education, and standing up to them.

@ForRelationshipHelp Жыл бұрын

It's wise to see them for who they really are, rather than for who you wish they would be, for sure!

@knowledgegirl661 5 ай бұрын

Aries here, him Pisces. I've pulled all the way back, my energy all of it. I got things to do. I can't teach you how to treat me, but I can show you how you NOT gon treat me

@marynorth235 3 жыл бұрын

This exactly describes my so-called "marriage" to my narc ex husband. The permanent physical damage I have from his chokes and blows are just the tip of the iceberg of the psychological damage he inflicted on me. I didn't get justice in the courts either, he took the house and got full custody of our son. All of it was a hellish experience.

@ForRelationshipHelp 3 жыл бұрын

Oh, Mary, that is terrible! And, sadly, it happens too frequently. You suffer the abuse, and then are abused by the courts. Too common, I think. I'm sure it was hellish. How are you doing now? How long have you been on your own? Is your son behaving as he did?

@TheBestPrevail 2 жыл бұрын

If the courts, which usually give everything to the mother/wife whenever she screams "abuse!", let him keep his house and custody of his son, then you were probably the abuser. Hopefully, one day, you realise that.

@mgkos Жыл бұрын

@@TheBestPrevail wrong

@Universaltruth333 10 ай бұрын

@@mgkoslol the deception right?

@LouisaWatt 2 жыл бұрын

I was new to the city I live in, no family, not too many friends, and I started going to this church, which has really great people I get along with. This guy was telling me that he ran the beginner classes and he was part of the tech team I volunteered with so I gave him my details so I could join the class. He excluded me from the group, inserted himself as the only person who communicated with me about volunteering, and then began triangulating all of my conversations and relationships at church. I ended up quitting and sending one of the staff a complaint email outlining all of his behaviour, but I think he’s done it before and they didn’t believe her.

@shgnamaste7730 2 жыл бұрын

Ugh. I'm glad that you did the right thing! Did you find a better church or are you just enjoying the individual practice in the time being?

@terrapintravels3829 2 жыл бұрын

Thank you so much for this informative video. I journaled his behaviors for most of the 2 years we were together but I hadnt known the term coercive control. In fact I hadn't known any of the terms at that time such as gaslighting, ghosting and so on. I did know silent treatment and passive aggressive which I did experience. He did come to my work and leave gifts in my vehicle or show up unexpectedly to take me to lunch. Then drive like a madman in the parkinglot with his music really loud, it was embarrassing.

@310042178 Жыл бұрын

Yes! “What are you doing as you’re not texting me “

@sherrilcarss4641 7 ай бұрын

Hi Roberta thank you so much for your wonderful program. I just wanted to say and support some one else’s comment . that I read and say that it’s definitely not only men that do this. I know this for a fact for my family has suffered dreadfully because of a Coercively controlling women she has totally isolated my ex-husband so he can’t see his children and now his grandsons it’s a very sad situation so I just wanted to say that yeah it’s not gender specific it’s definitely both genders are capable of this evil practice of Coercive control. Thank You again Roberta God✝️ Bless you and yours in 2024 and always. ❤ SherrilL.Carss

@thebrimm1 4 жыл бұрын

I’m glad I saw this video I feel women can get away with it more as people only think men are capable, I just came out of a relationship after people warned me to get out but she smeared me and made me out to be the abuser and you feel like you just need someone to say you’re not going mad that is what was happening I’d love to tell you my experience to get some clarity about it and be able to finally move o

@ForRelationshipHelp 4 жыл бұрын

Yes, there are equal numbers of #Hijackal women as men. They present a little differently from each other, but the end result is the same...sadly. Talking to me is easy for new clients, and I'm happy to talk with you. BeAClient.com I wish you well.

@maddyho6402 3 жыл бұрын

O M G!!! Every word is true!

@shgnamaste7730 2 жыл бұрын

💜🕊️

@blueberrydefendersuperb1606 3 жыл бұрын

My male roommate drugged me last night .He slipped me something.I believe that it is to discredit me in case I speak up!!!.He knows that I am a recovering alcoholic,and he feels threatened by it.I don't think anyone would believe me.He is scaring the living daylight out of me, and I fear he will kill me when he gets home from work....💔😡😭💔

@ForRelationshipHelp 3 жыл бұрын

Report him to the police, and get away. If it's your house, evict him, and if it's his, leave. You need to do all you can to be safe.

@TheBestPrevail 2 жыл бұрын

Your story sounds fake.

@melodieperkins7080 4 жыл бұрын

This is so true.

@shgnamaste7730 2 жыл бұрын

🙌

@tb9206 3 жыл бұрын

23 years in im walking on a razors edge my 2 daughter's are so damaged from his constant supervision and relentless behaviour towards me deprevation of liberty hostage in my own life

@ForRelationshipHelp 3 жыл бұрын

SO difficult for you and your daughters! Are you away from it now?

@jessicarose4444 3 жыл бұрын

I'm 21 years marriage and in the same boat

@shgnamaste7730 2 жыл бұрын

It sounds like you and your children can barely breathe in the life that he's created. Have you found someone outside the home to talk to?

@-SELKIE Жыл бұрын

After I went away he moved on to my child, and family court allows this by prioritizing his parental rights over my childs safety.

@kaystephens2672 2 жыл бұрын

They'll ask you what you did all day when you're a mother, a cook, a housekeeper, a bookkeeper, a nurse, a gardener, work part time, etc etc etc. It is true this happens. Coming from this type of mother there's no wonder we go from the frying pan into the fire.

@bobbobby9798 4 жыл бұрын

This happens to men also.

@ForRelationshipHelp 4 жыл бұрын

Yes, it sure does happen to men.

@MattMussett 2 жыл бұрын

💯

@rebekah1216 4 жыл бұрын

My son's father just said he wondered who would take care of our 3yr after he smashed the life out of me.. because I compared have m to Oscar the grouch jokingly..... nobody ever heard him say these things, they just see my long psychiatric history , so m recovering alcoholic with cptsd (on SSI)....I don't think I could ever win in court because of my paper trail and his lack of one.....his real father actually did kill and dismember his step mom. I know life's not fair, but man... I mean... Wtf God?!

@ForRelationshipHelp 4 жыл бұрын

Oh, that's hard! People are not allowed to threaten to kill you! That's assault! Regardless of your history, you have every right to report him, especially with his family history. Are you married to this man?

@sarawelling5271 10 ай бұрын

Just stop dating. If you're in a relationship, get out of it. Be self-sufficient. Nobody needs another person in their life.

@Kelly-oe8kr 6 ай бұрын

That's where I'm at

@lauratheexplorer6390 3 жыл бұрын

Thank you so much for this content. The two people I know have done this with me were both female. Just for the record.

@ForRelationshipHelp 3 жыл бұрын

You're so welcome. Of course, this topic applies to both men and women. When Dr. Evan Stark did his research, he only focused on men exerting coercive control over women. It happens the other way, equally.

@LouisaWatt 2 жыл бұрын

Yep, my mum fits this category

@beaulieuonnp593 2 жыл бұрын

Yes. aame here in my case mostly women doing it to other women, mother, women in the workplace.

@TheBestPrevail 2 жыл бұрын

The perpetrators are usually female. But, unfortunately, women being abusive is hardly ever taken seriously, and pointing out their abusive behaviour is usually labelled as "misogynistic".

@kieransimpson4965 2 жыл бұрын

@@TheBestPrevail lots of indirect aggression from females, men too but generally more outward aggression from men and indirect aggression from women (can be innuendo, gossip, reputation destruction) like Jordan Peterson mentions

@mgkos Жыл бұрын

Women in the study in UK were not “involved” in the brutal physical abuse described, nor rape. They were assaulted. Assault & Coercion are based on Power & Control, the very thing these women didn’t have during the assaults & attacks on them. The responsibility for the violence remains always with the Perpetrator. It’s as ridiculous as saying a robbery occurs as a result of owning a purse or wallet.

@LadyofSharlot 9 ай бұрын

My ex boyfriend used to tell me (not ask) to wear sexy clothes .what shoes to wear .i prefer boots he didnt like them.Ask me to keep my makeup on after a very late evening out,4am.i was tired .i think he wanted sex .Other occasions he would try to wake me up for sex in the middle of the night. He never hit me but he seemed controllingHe then started accusing me of using him .He would go on about his ex had used him. it it became a pattern of accusations and me defending self. He was also a sulker like a baby. He was an intelligent man but controlling

@chroniccopingjessicamaclean 8 ай бұрын

That sounds so familiar.

@ritabailey1068 Жыл бұрын

HOW does a victim get out from an abusive situation without the resources to leave, find somewhere to live, afford deposits, attorney, etc… my husband controls his income and savings.

@Bunnnnbuns 10 ай бұрын

Domestic violence programs have resources & grants to shelter you and help u get everything u need.

@emmarae4322 9 ай бұрын

Emotional abuse is far more insidious. It happens over a longer period of time with manipulation, gaslighting and lies and it eventually leads to physical abuse.😢 Men are abused too.

@jimcole6423 2 жыл бұрын

Victim or Volunteer? That is the REAL question.

@ForRelationshipHelp 2 жыл бұрын

It may be. Perhaps, though, the dichotomy is really victim or enabler. Once people realize they are enabling and recognize the need to stop, then change happens.

@MattMussett 2 жыл бұрын

Or just nieve or blindsighted

@mikesmith6594 Ай бұрын

As a male I unfortunately deal with this type of behavior from my controlling narcissistic father and his flying monkeys especially gaslighting, double standards and bullying being told lies constantly. Feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells around them!

@freerobuxcheckmychannel2521 3 жыл бұрын

I was told to set a timer every time Itried to talk about my feelings.

@ForRelationshipHelp 3 жыл бұрын

By the Hijackal? That would be just rude, if that's the case.

@kieransimpson4965 3 жыл бұрын

Disgusting

@kimadams4746 2 жыл бұрын

I understand this. My ex bf of 2 years would cut me if I talked about how I felt and would tell me to “chill out” and that I was just to sensitive. He would also refuse to say anything about his feelings- I now know it is because he did not have any. It’s just so gross that an adult could treat another person this way. There is no excuse for it.

@Greenpeppersandeggs 19 күн бұрын

For anyone in a questionable situation, if you are sleeping and your partner accidentally hits you in their sleep, be aware it may not be an accident. Mine started with his elbow, using it to hit me in the head, I genuinely thought it was unintentional. I think it was a test based on what he did and said later.

@rubenverheij4770 3 жыл бұрын

Toxic Friend ________________ [15:15] Every- thing you say, can be ( and will be ) twis- ted, and used [against you]!

@ForRelationshipHelp 3 жыл бұрын

Sad!

@MattMussett 2 жыл бұрын

🤧

@rubenverheij4770 2 жыл бұрын

@@ForRelationshipHelp Ppl have to know, predators are looking for easy prey, all predators do!! So,.. for self-preservation, you better do something about your self-esteem!!!!

@rubenverheij4770 2 жыл бұрын

Ps. I'm NOT a predator!! I tell you, just in case you thought so. :)

@empanadascamotes4674 4 жыл бұрын

I was in this type of relationship for three years. I tried leaving many times but somehow I gave up trying to do it alone and i prayed. HE left on his own a few months after that. I’m still struggling trying to understand how he left when he was extremely controlling and obsessed. What was his motive for leaving when he did or is this something not worth understanding?

@ForRelationshipHelp 4 жыл бұрын

I''m sorry this happened to you. It IS worth understanding. #Hijackals--narcissistic or sociopathic toxic people--are always on the lookout for supply. They prefer readily available, non-demanding, non-threatening "supply." Supply, by the way, means having people who love, adore, validate, put up with, and accept their power and control without question. Easy, non-confronting people. They want their needs met and they couldn't care less about yours unless they really want something from you for a hot minute. His motive for leaving was someone likely caught his eye, seemed like easy pickings, and made him look and feel good. #Hijackals love the love-bombing stage of new relationships where they show up as everything you ever wanted while later turning into your worst nightmares. Know that you did nothing wrong. In fact, if you're like most partners of #Hijackals, you did everything you possible could and more than was healthy for him. He is the troubled person, and don't let him trouble you. You're asking the right question, because too many people ask me how to get them back. Don't! You' may enjoy today's episode of my podcast, Save Your Sanity, about being discarded by a toxic person and how to resist the urge to return. www.forrelationshiphelp.com/save-your-sanity-help-for-toxic-relationships/

@meganvinson1315 4 жыл бұрын

Empanadas Camotes if I’m not too far off the mark, he left because you saw through him! You knew all of his tricks, schemes, and lies. He needed a new victim who was naive and oblivious. You won!!!!! 🖤🙏

@shgnamaste7730 2 жыл бұрын

Before, you did all the work. You were abused into assuming a role he desired and you were fulfilling his expectations even if you didn't realize it. When you reached your breaking point and pulled back, he was left with the reality that you were not going to give what he wants. Did he need you for anything but affection? I think you were blessed with answered prayers because many abusers refuse to let go. I am so so very glad he let you go and I sincerely hope he stays away. :)

@lateviasantiago 2 жыл бұрын

Be grateful. Do not ever ask why? You know he enjoys seeing you in pain. What is going on!

@rainsunc-d2462 11 ай бұрын

Women do this to men and it is not Identified as it should be. If people get anything out of information, GET this UNDENIABLE FACT and take it seriously.

@SW-jg7yh 4 жыл бұрын

This is an excellent and artculate video, Rhoberta. Thank you so much for so concisely demonstrating these patterns. For all the men commenting, perhaps it would serve you well to do some research on the gendered nature of this type of behaviour- the stats are very clear.

@ForRelationshipHelp 4 жыл бұрын

You're so welcome. I'm glad you found value in it.

@TheBestPrevail 2 жыл бұрын

Why is standing up for male victims, who are often overlooked, make up the majority of victims and not taken seriously as victims, so offensive to you? Does the very idea of treating men equally to women hurt your feelings? What a vile human being you are. If the UK laws on coercive behaviour were equally enforced, 95% of women in long-term relationships would be in prison, right now.

@dirtawaycarpetandupholster4611 2 жыл бұрын

@@TheBestPrevail I found it laughable she says it’s gendered. Let’s just ignore the evidence that has been gathered proving it’s not gendered. Search out videos of a woman called debraugh powney who conducted a huge reasearch study and found men are far more likely to be victims of this. Not just from woman but from police who blindly beleive what woman say. So much so that when police get a report they are now charging men and completely ignoring evidence that contradicts what the woman has said

@TheBestPrevail 2 жыл бұрын

@@dirtawaycarpetandupholster4611 Thank you for the tip on debraugh powney. I'll have a look in to her videos.

@kiuw3087 Жыл бұрын

The focus on men here is enervating. This happens with males AND females. For instance 75% of females to 25 % of men have borderline, which is the woman trying to keep control by manipulation and sometimes domination. There is also overlap between borderline and narcissism. Sole narcissism is then more prominent in males. This isn't male or female. Please don't spread this message.

@johncapel7753 10 ай бұрын

Hi I experience this from my wife that I divorcing. Prior to the divorce proceedings and ongoing now. She stalks me. Is abusive both mentally and physically. I am a hostage. Have death threats and right now have our boy of 6 with me for past year. Things are getting worse. I have had paraffin poured around my bed at 1am in the morning. With her trying to set the room alight with my boy next to me. The police are useless. I fear once the divorce goes through my life will be under danger.

@anischuyler371 Жыл бұрын

I think many of us are still getting away with coercive control because of the freedom of speech idea. We have liberties to pretty much speak freely. And yet we use our freedom of speech so abusively to hurt each other. With many of us have become very skilled at disguising hurtful remarks with being loving and caring, etc.

@tadpole7396 3 жыл бұрын

Thankyou Wonderful Lady 💞 xxx

@ForRelationshipHelp 3 жыл бұрын

You're so welcome!

@tanya4691 3 жыл бұрын

My sons(20) girlfriend (18) was recently told that if she keeps seeing my son her stepfather will put a bullet in my sons brain. They have never met him. He is also making her quit her job so that they cannot see each other at all. Her stepfather tracks her phone so he knows where she is at all times. He says he may make her quit college in the fall. He has a police history of domestic abuse and restraining orders, i checked him out after he said that about my son. He is not supposed to own guns but she said that he does and that he is capable of doing that and she believes it to be a credible threat, he is also violent with her, her siblings and mom. I talked to the police the day after he said this they said they can arrest him for terroristic threatening if my son makes the report but my son is hesitant to do this because he is afraid his girlfriend will get hurt when he is able to bail out of jail. The police also said that my son and his girlfriend should take out restraining orders on him but his girlfriend does not think a restraining order will do anything but make him angrier and more abusive to her, my son, her mom and her siblings. It feels like a catch-22 situation

@ForRelationshipHelp 3 жыл бұрын

Yes, it can feel like a Catch-22 for sure. The big question, though, for the young folks to think through is: Do you want your whole life to be run by fear of the stepfather? The police are right and the young people's fears are also valid. It's a big decision, and they are so young. It may be--and I would have to know much more to give specific advice--that the best thing for your son's gf to do is to move very far away. She is not capable of defending herself, her siblings, or her mom. She cannot change her stepfather. Moving far away AND getting a restraining order can be a good solution.

@Sofia.K.CheerYT 24 күн бұрын

The only effective and correct way to handle such situations is through judicial means and by enforcing the law. Period.

@lynnschaeferle-zh4go 6 ай бұрын

Is anyone familiar with the Gabby Petito story? That same summer I called out the police. It was 8 a.m. and I had a flat tire and I wanted the key to my dad’s truck. They told me no and they said I needed to stay home and go to bed. Every time I call I get the same result because he’s a convincing psychopath

@Pyrrhic537 6 ай бұрын

The algorithm trying to make me believe I did this to my ex wife. Perhaps I did to a small degree. But she wasn't an angel either. I'm going to go against the general consensus and theorize that a % of the coercive control cases might be husband's or partner's in relationships with passive aggressive avoident and narcissistic women or women who married for insincere reasons such as security, tradition, wealth etc or who have fallen out of love or no longer find their man attractive. So has the academic community investigated that? I have recently read about reactive abuse connected to PTSD when suffering from narcisist or avoident abuse which from females is often passive aggressive and involves sex and affection denial. Wonder what the experts say about that.. Also what isn't addressed is if regular coercive abusers do that because otherwise they might only receive sex once a year. Wouldn't withholding sex be abuse in it's own right? Especially in Western countries excluding one's such as Germany which are very progressive about women not needing big divorce settlements for feminism reason's. So with men stuck between a rock and a hard place. Not wanting to divorce ( of course a % do) or have an affair they do the only thing in their stressed neglected state they can. Try to coerce their partner. Perhaps it normally starts romantically, then a massage, then one Valentines day at 2AM it aggravates to a hand passing over their wives leg and when she brushes it away it degenerates to begging and when that doesn't work he threatens divorce and when that fails he leaves the room and says he's going to watch porn. All the above however light would be catagorized as cohesive abuse. But again this might be reactive so I think someone perhaps yourself could study reactive cohersive abuse to find out it's frequency.

@emmarae4322 Ай бұрын

So not getting enough sex is a Right to abuse someone? Maybe she doesn't want to sleep with her abuser...

@millenials_best 2 жыл бұрын

Is the damage done physically due to CPTSD not considered physical violence?

@DaRyteJuan 10 ай бұрын

My female doctor,more than 12 years younger than me, MARRIED mother of FOUR, attractive, lured me to her office for a regular physical in order to continue receiving the ongoing prescription of Prozac she’d started me on two years earlier. It was during this visit that at one point she _commanded_ me to remove my underwear (which I had kept on under the gown), ordered me back onto the table and proceeded to sexually assault me right in front of a female nurse. I got totally TRICKED and BAMBOOZLED. I was in SHOCK and felt TERROR during this part of the “examination.” After tossing things around in my head and doing LOTS of research and talking to different people including SA advocates which took MONTHS, it seemed like the appropriate thing to do was to file a police report. Numerous officers told me to my face, what she did didn’t constitute sexual abuse.

@alcordero-zu9xy 10 ай бұрын

Excellent my toxic person was everything you mentioned it was like a norm for her I was never ever right, she told me I have to listen to her and not believe wat I see like her texting someone else or sharing location, always putting down in everything I do , complaining and controlling everything from conversations (All) wat we do and never take interest in anything I say zero or do felt alone for along time isolated stole money from me copies of my keys always going through my belongings from my vehicles clothes Everything I set up recordings and my trail cam and I couldn't believe wat I saw while I was asleep and away for work and denie Everything, they will go to there grave lying promise u that everytime I try to move out it was hell 6 times in a 18+ mo, goasting me etc

@Heathbasque0979 10 ай бұрын

I've been going through this for 5 yrs in Calgary Alberta Canada And have no one believing me as the police are even involved in some incidents and have everything taken from me by police and can't obtain work. Gangstalking is a major thing but ppl say your crazy or drug addict when you talk about it. I want to make this known spoken about and recognized where I live as I've lost friends to suicide and murder and jail as to being setup for crimes didn't commit

@timothythomas1626 2 жыл бұрын

Cohesive a control

@Missuranga Жыл бұрын

This is very most specific video I’ve heard, right know I’m in a Domestic abuse shelter , This is exactly my story he brought me to USA to start a “Godly loving relationship and family” but once I came here from mexico he totally imprisoned me for 10 months , he worked from home so he never was away from me , I’ve never went out from his house without him not even to our yard I was absolutely his slave and belonging he would decide everything about me even what I eat , he Intimidated me , forced me to sex, diminish me in every way , never let me even take therapy because I used to thigh it was all my fault as he said that I wasn’t being a godly woman , he would check my phone everyday to see what I could be doing there or looking for , he wouldn’t let me have a phone call with my family in mexico he would be next to me with google voice trainsalting because he doesn’t speak Spanish and he supervised me to not bring “drama” to my family because he said I’m bipolar and emotional and I wasn’t in reality , the house didn’t have doors in the bathroom so I wouldn’t have privacy never , he would have me dominated in every way , and submitted to only his desires and his will , a lot of punishments if something wasn’t his way, a lot of phisical incidents even police involved because the neighbors would send them but I he would domitaned me in the floor till police would leave , many Things till last week my neighbor watch everything and called police and help me leave , he was arrested till yesterday , and now that I’m finally free I’m scared of going back to mexico because if he goes there to find me he would be able to do whatever and he knows there’s is no law that protects me the way is here in USA ,,so even I’m out of his house and the cohersive control and physical , mental , sexual and emotional abuse I Still have a lot of Damage in my life to heal and survive but at least I’m free and have a new opportunity to rebuilt myself and go through this , thanks a lot for this information

@lafayettegreen8679 2 жыл бұрын

Men are not the only one’s that do this

@jessicarose4444 3 жыл бұрын

Iv been married 21 years and I'm confused whether I should stay or go.

@tb9206 3 жыл бұрын

Stay because of the hell i have gone through for the last 3 years left after 20 so years if you can't leave and disappear for good stay because I guarantee he wont stop untill your dead and the revenge will be nothing like you could imagine

@ForRelationshipHelp 3 жыл бұрын

When you're leaving a Hijackal, there are SO many considerations. I'm sorry to hear it turned out to be such a trial for you, TB.

@ForRelationshipHelp 3 жыл бұрын

It's a difficult decision with so many considerations. I would be happy to help you sort this out if you want to talk. Here's the link: BeAClient.com

@thewordisahammer6634 2 жыл бұрын

The sadism doesn't stop with people but extends to animals. I have seen a self confessed narcissist admitting that people like him like to torment animals in secret. Of course the animals can't tell what was done to them behind the scenes. The narcissists will act like they love animals, even their own animals. A mask. Don't be fooled. Please. If you even suspect someone is a narcissist,, never let your pets alone with them.

@ForRelationshipHelp 2 жыл бұрын

Hijackals can be very cruel to animals....especially psychopathic Hijackals. Sad.

@percubit10 Жыл бұрын

It's happened to me and I need to recover from, religious gaslighting.

@SarahSmith-ym9ri Жыл бұрын

People also think ots all about men getting jealous and I secure when women go to a night out. The campaign commercials are giving g the wrong impression of coersive Control and not demonstrating wider examples

@musicsnob4226 Жыл бұрын

I was a supporter of this channel. But to state only men do this is a gross mischaracterization. The problem with this kind of thinking is that women are innocent in these situations. Ill state this now that, i dont condone or excuses abusive behavior. But in most cases i would go out on a limb to say women pushed men to the point which they resort to violemce. The mental games they play, the denial of those games, arguing just to argue. Everybody has a breaking point. Women often argue with understanding that they can say or do anything but it is against the rules to hit them. If we are honest with ourselves if it was against the rules to cause physical harm to somebody for crossing a line. We would be extreme assholes. So to suggest men are the only ones doing this is laughable. As far as phone and computer snooping women have been the only ones who have done this to me. I refuse to do it. I also refuse to hit women. But if im honest the thought crosses my mind. But i take a walk. Not for my sake for theirs. Violence only resolidifies this belief of being able to ssy anything you want to anybody. I may not hit a woman, but there are plenty of men who will. Whats more interesting is domestic violence cases are the highest in same sex relationships amoungst women..

@donnasteffes8060 Жыл бұрын

Is it coercion to keep asking me who I’m texting what I’m doing on my iPhone consistently? Surveillance ? Always asking what I’m going steer in going in a married life of 28 years?

@mfawls9624 4 жыл бұрын

Gendered stereotypes...like the nagging wife or manipulative women. Now it's making more sense, right down to the toxic mother in law.

@Winner1-c2u 4 жыл бұрын

Women can install cameras as well in home that will document.

@ForRelationshipHelp 4 жыл бұрын

Women and men can install cameras. They can be useful when there is physical violence. In the US, it is also important to look up your state's laws on "one-party recording consent." In many states, one person in a conversation can record it without the permission of the others. That's VERY helpful when documenting and presenting evidence of cruelty, verbal and emotional abuse.

@ForRelationshipHelp 4 жыл бұрын

@Emma fairytale OOhhhh, that's so difficult. Hijackal cops and attorneys are so crafty, and so manipulative! Do you have people who believe what is happening to you in your home? That's the first step.

@ForRelationshipHelp 4 жыл бұрын

@superhuman girl I'm a little confused about the details of your story/question. Is the cop you mentioned earlier the person who is now stalking you? Is there a reason that you are still in contact with this person? Are you in a small town? How did your relationship shift to online? Please help me understand so that i can give you a clearer answer.

@ForRelationshipHelp 4 жыл бұрын

@superhuman girl Scary and unsettling in every way! Have you blocked him everywhere and gone absolute no contact? I think you need a restraining order, or order of protection. He's stalking you, and you have the proof. First, though, do not under circumstances, communicate with him further. Document everything he does, sends, places in your accounts. It seems he is quite sophisticated in his tech abilities.

@ForRelationshipHelp 4 жыл бұрын

@superhuman girl Block him. Change accounts. Do not speak to him, text him, or email him. Document everything.

@SuperBruins12 2 ай бұрын

My ex wife did these things to me

@srr4906 4 жыл бұрын

Is coercive control possible by employer?

@ForRelationshipHelp 4 жыл бұрын

Yes, it certainly can. Coercive control is exerted in workplaces to keep people feeling small, afraid, and anxious about their livelihood...and about themselves. What's going on?

@srr4906 4 жыл бұрын

I would appreciate it if you can do a podcast on employment coercive control

@ForRelationshipHelp 4 жыл бұрын

Good idea! I will!

@srr4906 4 жыл бұрын

@@ForRelationshipHelp thank you.

@jackgoodings 4 жыл бұрын

Yes it is .. I was ruined by 2 female employers and one male employer. One of the female employers fired me in the Christmas party when everyone else was being given bonus cheques. Imaging how hard it was also to get a job during Christmas holiday time. This was in front of my mum too

@donnasteffes8060 Жыл бұрын

What is the corrosive control law in America? Is yr in every state?

@jackgoodings 4 жыл бұрын

I wonder what the author of the book would call it when it is a female abuser. Evan stark has missed the mark .. women do this .. a lot .. and it's an acceptable social norm .. case in point, this author minimising the abuse on men. The gender-specific HAS to stop. This is non gender specific. The author is incorrect

@ForRelationshipHelp 4 жыл бұрын

It's a good conversation, Jack. Evan Stark does not minimize the abuse of men, either. He just found in his research that the situation was more often perpetrated by men. Have you read his book, "Coercive Control?"

@BigIdds 4 жыл бұрын

I have just been through a coercive controlling relationship, I am currently facing police charges brought against me by my female abuser. I feel my experienced solicitor is not versed enough in this and is looking at a diminished responsibility defence. Due to the gender specific wording of most case studies I have found, it is hard to be able to relay what I have been through... This needs to be gender neutral!!

@sheilajac 3 жыл бұрын

@@ForRelationshipHelp my mother is a sadistic - albeit covert - coercive controller. she uses manipulation and emotional "threats" and so do MANY mothers who use their children or threats of taking their children away from their dads. Mine did it at least a couple of times...the first time I remember I was 4, my brother was a baby and I remember it very clearly. Also, women will threaten to accuse their boyfriends of assault, other legal threats because they know the police will believe them over a man claiming to be suffering abuse. Not to say there aren't abusive men out there, Ive met a few of them too but the worst longest term abuse I have suffered and still am, via a smear campaign, is by my own mother. She is psychotic and sadistic and you'd never know it, she seems so meek and timid. but watch out behind closed doors when you stand up to her. Lies, plays the victim to my dad, uses him to bully me as well. These people are monsters, male or female but the covert females are way worse as far as I am concerned. A jealous, controlling man is obvious...once you've had the misfortune of encountering one of them, you can spot them a mile away.

@Feline-philosopher 3 жыл бұрын

@@sheilajac It took me twenty years to start seeing this in a close relative and there is nothing i can do about but remove myself from contact. That no doubt makes me a bad person within the family circle but i will not explain myself to her children and thereby cross an important boundry ie, the bond between a parent and her children. It is up to them to see her for what she is and thereby understand what i might have caught on to. I think the truth will come out in the long run.

@samiyam3949 2 жыл бұрын

You obviously didn’t read the book Jack…

@Medietos 5 ай бұрын

What about the female masochistic issue then? Issues arise according to gender traits, bent.Thanks, - I wish tere was a video on this subject done by people in authority, getting the support, sanctions rom police, Drs, psych, the courts...

@JKDVIPER 2 ай бұрын

I subscribed to your channel. That was brilliant. I liked the way you dug down deep with the details. I listen to a guy on KZfaq as well, ANDREW his name is, and he has hands on experience with it as well. He provides fantastic detail and this one went hand in hand with it. 😎👈🏻💯

@agent_exodus 2 жыл бұрын

It is absolutely not gendered. I have suffered coercive control at the expense of women as well as my father. Most men, are too culturally humiliated to ever come forward to speak about any of this. And perpetuating these gendered outlooks when it is far from mutually exclusive, is very damaging to getting a fuller picture and helping victims. If it weren’t for the Johnny Depp/Amber Heard case- there is no way in hell I’d feel even remotely capable of speaking up about this. I have been blamed ruthlessly by my abusers while the communities around were all too eager to believe them. Eventually, and finally, the truth has been coming out but it has cost me dearly. And I am one of many. That- is the effect this has had. And it is very alarming. Especially when we come seeking some measure of anonymous solace. We’re still not permitted culturally to point any of this out until long after we’re in the clear. For those of us who make it there.

@jodiecatlin3790 9 ай бұрын

That's flat out domestic violence/abuse defined

@DarkerSideOfDawn 2 жыл бұрын

The kids threw him under the bus for picking through my garbage

@targetedtyranny4661 Жыл бұрын

People have no issues with hurting others, all they'll do is justify it,which is very easy,especially in groups,the internet has made ganging up on others popular,people will sit by and watch while a group is treating someone like a human kick ball,people will ban together laugh and have a good time,our world has become highly narcissistic.

@SpiritualTarotGoddess 2 жыл бұрын

And women do this

@nakitaelavsky4894 Жыл бұрын

How can I contact you?

@nancywysocki 3 жыл бұрын

Shaudenfreude

@ForRelationshipHelp 3 жыл бұрын

Indeed!

@aatikahcarmenhappy3494 4 жыл бұрын

Reminds me of avery and omer from 90 day finance and nope its not related to islam. God I wish she would watch the video

@ForRelationshipHelp 4 жыл бұрын

Oh, yes, I thought that same thing when I watched that!

@ebuddha5 5 ай бұрын

I'm just digusted by the rampant sexism in these kinds of podcasts. I was interested until I heard them blame men and is vile. I lose total respect for sexist narratives of any kind. I know more than 90% of men have been hit by women yet no one cares of course. Violence against men is unreported because it's not as exaggerated but likely far more common.