"Get tae fuck" is the only realistic answer here.

I actually knew a guy who had a burglar in his house. He had just got out of the shower, and he was a big collector of stuff from Medieval and Renaissance fairs. When he heard someone was in the house, he stripped off what clothes he had on, grabbed a big-ass claymore, and ran screaming through the house yelling "HAIL SATAAAAAAAN!!!" at the top of his lungs. As it turns out, most burglars aren't prepared to be attacked by a naked screeching guy with a sword, and tend to run away.

"Hey,. you're robbing this place too?"

Dara is 6'5. I'm pretty sure a burglar isn't going to mess around upon sight of a giant

I never saw a comedian play a game with the audience and let them make the jokes, originality at its finest

My sisters solution was awesome. Her first apartment in college, she put a note on the front door. It read thusly, "Dear potential burglar, I'm not worth robbing. I'm an unemployed art major in college. I don't have a TV or stereo, just some art supplies, a lumpy mattress, and non-working game boy circa 1985 that's covered in paint. My microwave was maybe $20 brand new, and it barely works. Just save us both the trouble and pick one of the trust fund kids."

"I know your mother." "SHITE!"

A friend of the family in Argentina was heavily pregnant when she confronted a burglar. She stood to full height and said in an authoritative voice "young man you should be ashamed of yourself. Put that down right now and go home". He did the sign of tye cross and ran out. My mum reckons that he thought he had seen a vision of the Virgin Mary!! 😂😂😂😂

If you're being burgled, go up to them naked and say: "Where have you been? You're late, we're all upstairs waiting. Come on'. It'll freak the life out of them.

The safest people in Britain must be the people who have built themselves functioning full-size daleks.

"Are you paying too much for your car insurance?"

Someone broke into my house looking for money, I would just laugh and help them look

The whole peekaboo thing has become such an ongoing joke with a friend of mine that I recorded just that bit and made it into a ringtone for my cell phone.

Just walk in Naked and be like, "Evening"

"Hello there, do you have a moment for our lord Jesus Christ?"

I can control all of my lights, heating, and a central audio system from my phone, I would just flicker the lights, turn up the heating, play some creepy doll music, or maybe some death metal as loud as it will let me.

Step forward, naked and shout "at last you've come. I've been waiting for so long". I hasten to add I am 6 foot three.

"HEY KIDS, WANNA SEE A DEAD BODY?!"

I listened to this show for the first time while driving and I almost had to pull off the road when "Peek-A-Boo" came up.

just casually open ther door and say hello sexy, then yell steve grab the chloroform and the nipple clamps we have got another one

You know what was freaky? that wolf noise after the video.@_@

Just slowly move towards him and speak latin.

My cousin (6"4, muscular dude) once heard someone in his house so he stripped naked and ran into the room with a frying pan screaming "the doctor will see you now!!". That worked pretty well.

"If you could spare me just a minute of your time, I would like to talk to you about the wonder and power of our lord and savior Jesus Christ."

A shout out in wolves for the “what could you say in Ireland to scare the burglar?” “Is that you Patrick” Class

If Dara had a burglar, he could just burst open the door and yell as loud as he could and scare the absolute shit out of anyone. They'd either think it was a massive bald bear, or shrek.

"You must leave now! The Ice Queen is coming!"

"Do you enjoy the music... of showaddywaddy?"

Am I the only one who heard "Cup of tea father" hahahahahaha

I would record the entire burglary then put shitty, red captions over the top of it in case you missed the key moments in the video.

How about re-enacting the "Spanish inquisition" routine? The burglar would wet himself.

in the darkness just say in a sinister voice oh mother we have another visitor to play with get the things ready

I'M GENUINELY CRYING. Funniest man ever!

Easily you just shout - "Shit, you're robbing the place too? Goddamn. The people who live here must be rich. Help me lift the TV bruv." Then when you're holding it drop it on his toe.

I'm here because of the PEEK - A - BOO :D :D :D

I work in a Haunted House, I'd just pull my routine on the burgler.

when i saw this section on the dvd and it came to the peak-a-boo part i was in stitches for a good five minutes. still gets me every time

I was at a show and shouted "an aroused moan" (my idea being that the idea of unrequited and aggressive sexual conduct would be scary for a burglar) as a suggestion. I ended up having to perform my idea of what such an aroused moan would sound like, much to Dara's amusement. I went to the show with my father, who sat next to me. Cheeks did flush with blood.

That burgler wasn't just polite; he was Canadian.

"you're 20 minutes late, where the fuck is my pizza?!"

"Did you hear anything odd just then, Mr Pistorius?"

what would I do if a burglar was in the house? *Glances behind him to his collection of medieval weapons* make a burglar real nervous

I'd shout "Hands up!". I might not have a gun but I do have a crossbow.

I'd yell out in a real deep, slow voice: "DEATH BY SNU SNU!"

Id scream: “LÉIGH ANOIS go cúramach, ar do scrúdpháipéar, na treoracha agus na ceisteanna a ghabhann le Cuid A”

Okay, I'll admit it. The moment he asked 'What kind of world do we build behind the door?' the first thing that popped into my own head was 'Narnia!'.

I stopped an attempted burglary when I was eight. I'd fallen asleep on the couch while watching TV with my parents in the den, which faced the back garden through a sliding glass door. I woke up around 2 a.m. to see two hunched, dark figures. It took me a while to determine that they weren't animals but people trying to force the bolt on the back door. I had a plan, but as backup I grabbed a poker in case of a physical confrontation and the phone if it became necessary to dial the police. Reasoning that they'd be fairly anxious trying to break in without being detected, I decided that making a sudden loud noise and then flashing on the outside lights would probably scare them off. And that's exactly what I did. I banged five times on the glass with my fist as hard as my 8-year-old body could manage and then flicked the lights on and dove out of sight, so they wouldn't see their opponent was just a little boy. It was a tense couple of minutes before I decided to put my head out and see if it worked, but it did. They had run off, leaving only a little bit of damage to the wood of the door jamb as a testament to ever having been there.

Take longclaw from the wall and run shouting "for the watch."

* It puts the lotion in the basket... * Preferably before the burglar finds the light switch.

The barking was adorable! The burglar would totally steal that dog too. -:)

say "do exactly what I say. I'd rather not turn this rape into a muder."

Home Alone has taught us what to do in this situation

The funny thing is I do own a full size dalek with lights and a vocoder

I hide knives around my house. Have done since I was much too young to be using knives. And considering I laugh hysterically when I'm scared, I reckon I'd come off kore unsettling than him.

Iwould just go "Oooh, fresh meat!"

ohman everytime I see this the "Get tae fuck" cracks me the fuck up

I would say 'Ah, I've been expecting you' I don't have a cat so I'll have to stroke my toy snake instead

7:19 Oh Irish people, you are the best.... The fucking best!

at 6:00 I was legitimately reduced to a teary-eyed mess on the floor, unable to breathe through my own choking laughter.

An ecstatic breathy, "Oh, at last!"

excellent... perfect timing, i was just about to run out of ingredients....

I would just get naked. Nobody wants to rob the naked guy.

Deadbolt me and the cat in my safe room and hope the burgler takes the stuff for the Goodwill so I don't have to cart it out myself.

Last week I woke up in the middle of the night to the sound of a break in. I draped a big floaty scarf over my shoulders, then proceeded to screech and thunder downstairs. When I reached the living room, I locked eyes with him and continued my performance. Judging by the smell that lingered after he left, pretty sure he shat himself

I once suspected a room-mate of stealing my paycheques. I knew he was very religious, so I searched for some satanic symbols online and drew them on the envelope, alongside some made-up Latin. For good measure, I hid the envelope inside a dvd box, which was inside my padlocked backpack. When I came back from work, my backpack looked untouched. I opened it, the envelope wasn't there -it was as if it had disappeared. I was starting to panic when my other room-mate, with the envelope in hand, said he'd found it on the floor. My guess: the thieving bastard picked my lock, hastily took the envelope, put everything back where it was, but then realised the cheque had pentagrams and the other stuff. He then, got scared and tossed it.

I'd walk in like "do you want a cup of tea?"

I'd just open the door very fast and would angrily shout "Who's there" with the craziest and most intimidating stance I could think of

TY so much for uploading this! I still cry laughing at this part and I'm still surprised it hasn't been posted before.

I would remotely turn on my hifi and start blasting ride of the Valkyrie's very loudly

YOU PICKED THE WRONG HOUSE FOOL!!!!

It's a lot scarer than knock knock isnt it? Knock knock seems like a long time ago now 😂😂😂 kills me every time!

'' Well Ma I guess we're eating tonight after all '' .or just play the outro from this video on really high volume.

As per statistics in the US, if there's an intruder in the house at night, that intruder is going to be of the violent variety. That intruder is not there JUST for the valuables, and you need to get out as fast as possible. The ones that break in during daylight hours, while most people are at work, are the smash and grab type burglars.

*in a sing-song voice* two-by-two, hands of blue. Two-by-two, they come for you. River Tam tends to have a creepifyin' affect on people.

In the U.S. It would simply be BANG BANG,

Personally I'd just go for "Oi!" and then smash their head into the kitchen worktop

if he is on the other side of a door, got a fire axe or something like that, and start to smash open the door, I guarantee you he will be running for the nearest window

"Peek a boo!" I'm crying laughter XD

I would go *"You picked the wrong house FOOL!"*

"Would You like to play a game?"

I'd whisper through the door "Did you bring the Vaseline and cucumbers?"

"I will be up when the burglar comes." 😂😂😂

The polite burglar bit is just the Thieves' Guild of Ankh Morpork.

Blast either death metal or Toccata and Fugue in full volume and yell "Praise Lucifer! Another offering has arrived!"

watching this man more and more....such fast paced thinking....so funny

Thanks Dara for some brilliantly funny stuff and for sharing it,

"You came to the wrong house, bub."

Dara's so great at involving the audience! :D

You know, this is the first time I've seen Dara use his legs...

So, it's Christmas time, 1981. I'm a 21 year old sailor living in an apartment with two other guys from my squadron in a marginal neighborhood just outside of San Diego (Imperial Beach, to be exact). It was a low-income neighborhood, populated by a mix of retirees, mechanics, dope dealers, sailors and other sketchy types. During the day, the place was ok, but nights were different. The neighborhood was prone to auto and house burglaries. The entrance to the apartment was in a dirt alley which doubled as a parking area. My room mate had is car broken into and stereo stolen while parked there one night as did a couple neighbors. One night, as we drove up the alley after getting off duty (this was like around 2AM), we caught the beach rat whom we'd seen lurking around the neighborhood before trying to hide from our headlights. We figured him for the auto burglar. So what I'm getting at is that it was a dicey neighborhood. Anyway, it's Christmas time and I've just come back from Christmas leave. Both my other room mates are still on leave. One room mate (Ken) left for leave the day I came home, the other room mate wasn't due back from his Xmas leave for 4 more days. Around 2AM I heard the door knob on the front door rattle. I sat upright in bed wondering if I'd imagined it. Then I heard it rattle again followed by what sounded like the door being shouldered in. No way did I imagine that. So I jumped out of bed and loaded my Colt M1911 .45, including putting a round in the tube. I leaned out my doorway and thought "Ok, all the lights are off but if this is Ken or Matt, they will turn the lights on as they make their way into and through the apartment". Nope, whomever it was didn't turn on any lights. My heart was pounding. Through the darkness I could see this hulking form weaving side-to-side as he made his way down the hallway towards my bedroom. I took careful aim, center of mass, and started to pull the trigger. Then something inside me said "Wait. Give this fucker ONE chance". So I cycled the thumb safety on my pistol on then off. The image stopped about 10 feet short of me. Once again, I started to apply pressure slowly to the trigger when I heard out of the darkness "Mike????". Jesus, it was my room mate Matt coming home from Xmas leave FOUR DAYS EARLY!!! That just doesn't happen in the Navy. No sailor EVER reports back to his command EARLY. Now, the thing is, Matt and I didn't get along too well and I have to confess that the thought of pulling the trigger anyway did cross my mind, if only for the briefest of moments, but I knew I'd land at least 7 years in Portsmouth Naval Prison, so I wished him a Merry Christmas and told him how close he came to being shot dead. So, if you are ever in the same situation, and if you've a gun, see how the burglar reacts to the click-click of a safety being cycled.

Love the added Mallet adverts at the end :)

"don't make me break my parol and get the fuck out, 2 murders is more than enough"

Truly hilarious, love this guy.

I still come here all these years later for the smile

Loved the barking. Terrifying stuff.

Hey, Zeke. Looks like we got us another one.

"well, looks like we got ourselves a fresh one"

i'd go down naked with a whip goign 'Helo. I;ve been looking forward to this for a long time!' (do it in a camp voice)

I have knives. Big, fuck-off shiny ones. Ones that look like they could skin a crocodile. Knives are good, because they don't make any noise, and the less noise they make, the more likely I am to use them. Shit 'em right up. Makes it look like I'm serious. Guns for show, knives for a pro.

“You’re getting warmerrrrr...”