I agree. Every child is traumatised by their family of origin. Parents seem to have children in order to heal themselves. That is child abuse. It seems more loving to heal yourself first, then invite consciousness to incarnate into a space of love that you have prepared.

Psychology has taken the focus off of where the problems originate: THE PARENTS. Every single time.

A good parent should encourage the child breaking out

Realizing we have no allies, this is the single most difficult part of the process. Having to bear the responsibility of the "breaking away" while parents are truly the ones who have broken away from being concerned with our best interest.

You are awesome. I’m a therapist & have been going on 25 years. I’ve referred many clients to your channel & books. You offer & bring such a unique perspective.

I broke from my parents and siblings in my teens. I am now in my 60s. I keep loose and remote contact with my siblings' families. This reminds me of a video you did on growing out of friendship relationships. I think now I look at my interactions with people through the perspective of whether they are willing to grow psychologically or not. If I see that a person is willing to grow, I am willing to support that growth as an ally. If not, there is nothing there for me. This is my measure of how much I am willing to interact with them.

I went no contact with my parents just over a year ago. It's been the best, most healing year of my life. I was scared to put up such a hefty boundary...scared that I would get in trouble...at 45 years old!! And they did get heckin' mad about it. My god...the enmeshment with those people kept me stuck in a perpetual state of wondering, "When do I get to grow up??" They depended on me to give their lives meaning and purpose. I was their means of emotional regulation. They didn't want me to find my voice, my confidence, my independence, my sense of self. All my life, I thought I was broken or mentally ill or something. Finally, after years of psychiatric trauma, I discovered that I am autistic. I also see that my mother is autistic, but she developed some serious narcissistic means of coping with her existence. She always said having babies saved her life, and she had no intention of ever letting me go or letting me grow. Complex trauma is a bitch, but I can reparent myself. I can stand on my own two feet, and I can trust myself to have my back. Thanks for speaking about these difficult things. Honestly, I've been through so much hell in my life, but walking away from the dysfunctional family system was just about the hardest thing I've ever had to do. And I had to. Nothing else worked, so I had to take the leap into the unknown. Wish I'd done it 30 years ago!

I broke away from my parents in an extremely traumatizing way. I hopped around to 2 different Canadian cities while living in homeless shelters, several thousand kilometers from home!! There were a few nights when I had to sleep on the streets, in these unfamiliar cities. Yep, that's how I spent the first two years of my 20's. I was just so eager to get away from not only my parents, but everything in our society that I despised so much - our disconnectedness from nature, how we force kids to attend school and mold them to be good little subjects, how our workplaces expect us to be these one-dimensional drones. I was not going to be that, no matter how hard society tried. I was so eager to get away from all that junk that I was completely unaware of how badly I was going to traumatize myself by making this tremendous move. And previously, I was so attached to my parents, I was so sheltered from the horrors of this world. But my parents wrought this unto themselves and unto me. They only cared that I went to school and got good grades. They wanted a normal life in the suburbs, just like all the other normal, depressing people. Life could be so beautiful, so vibrant and colorful and immersive - but instead we in our society are stuck with power hungry jerks who become cops, we are stuck with ugly Walmarts and parking lots. My emotional needs were completely neglected by not only my parents, but also Canadian society (and I understand this is not unique to my country, but that's how it is everywhere). Nobody in this country talks about the things Daniel talks about. Back then, I felt so utterly alone in how I felt about this world. I had no choice but to stick to my instincts, whereas everyone else just went about business as usual. Everyone just stays hush hush and goes about their 9-5 jobs, don't they? That was back before I discovered Daniel's channel. Your worldview has been so incredibly validating to me, to say the least - I've already expressed this in a lengthy comment on your website lol, so I'm repeating myself there.

Daniel, keep spreading your words of wisdom. If I had access to the information like the many videos you have on your YT channel, there would have been no need for countless therapy sessions where I just rehashed the storys about what happened in my life but in the end there was no understanding of the real reason why I was feeling the way I do and that it's due to narcissism/ emotional neglect.

Returning to My Hometown after 40 years away, I had no idea what was wrong with my family, but I knew they were completely off. I Never noticed these behaviors (NARCISSISTIC) when I was visiting them, but when I moved there, I was suddenly always in a state of cognitive dissonance, and doubting my own reality. I did Not want to Think and Behave as they do, so I was put through A Smear Campaign by my entire family to run me out of The Town "before I exposed them all"??? But, the smear campaign only started after they put me thru HELL. Now that I'm in the process of Healing, I'm so Grateful for You, Daniel Mackler, because I can totally relate to every single word You speak, and not only do You give me validation, YOU are the only person that I actually trust, ( Even Though We've Never Met), and that is something I thought I'd Never be able to do...TRUST ANYONE!! Thank You Daniel for that, and for always stepping out of Your comfort zone to Help people just like Myself. Peace, Love, and Light from My Heart, To Yours, And Whoever reads this!!! Xo

Even though I don't always agree with you, I absolutely love you for being so honest and vulnerable. KZfaq is full of people who try to seem like the "the most amazing person ever". Yet you come off as simply honest, you don't seem to hide any faults you have, and watching you feels like I am a real person. And I learn so much from your videos. Good going Daniel!

I’m glad you’re paying it forward instead of traveling Daniel because it’s really resonating with me!

I always know I can open one of your videos and can be validated for what I've been thinking and feeling for years. It's really the only place for me to do so.

"They shouldn't have had children in the first place". Yeah, that's what I thought. I don't have children. My mother was very traumatised, got married and had her first kid when she was 19. It's just what happened pre pill. She got a second child (planned, the pill was introduced) because she was an only child herself, and didn't like it. She did everything to give us the childhood she didn't have, and was good at that. I hate life since puberty.

Daniel, I remember when I read that line in your book. I thought to myself, well at least those who have been traumatized by their parents should break away. But then I realized, yeah, lots of people, maybe most people, have been traumatized by their parents. I am one of those who broke away from my parents/family with no allies or safety net. It was very hard and slow going. Even now I have few allies (well really one only, my partner) and not much of a safety net. It seems though that what I've gained is that I'm not as brainwashed as most people I see around me. I guess you could say I am poor but I am free. Cheers to you and anyone else who is on this path.

your perspective is so incredibly valuable. thank you again daniel

This is not all families Daniel. Your suggestion makes me sad and perplexed. Central to my life always has been my parents, maternal grandparents and my 7 siblings. They still are. My family and my best friends. We are individuals but we are also one. Belonging, love, support, foundation. I can't imagine how breaking with them would serve any purpose. We're not perfect but we are whole.

Daniel, thanks so much for being a brave truth teller. It will be almost three years of no contact with my toxic family of origin. As you say, it’s a really painful process but also one that can be incredibly liberating and essential to one’s ability to recover from deep traumas/soul repression that our dysregulated/abuse parents enacted upon us. Since going no contact, I felt the heavy dark clouds of depression lift and the light from within me shine. I was able to learn how to love, trust and just be myself again- without fear or anxiety. The harsh inner critic voice I had developed from childhood has lost its grip- to a point where I can deal with it if it ever re-surfaces. I am no longer feeling that life is a death sentence; but life is living. It’s through talks like yours and reading the works of revolutionary poets, artists, thinkers - allies to pushing back against the tyranny of conformity and anti-humanism. For me, embracing the interconnected ness of the spiritual and natural realms has helped guide me through life challenges. I’ve also been better at maintaining healthy relationships with myself and others. It could not have happened if I still remained in contact with my toxic family.

I absolutely agree with this. I think once people start breaking from their parents, the family-related trauma will begin to dissipate. People undergoing the healing process will find others on the same journey, and will then create safer emotional spaces for themselves. This process will act as a beacon to those disaffected by the family system, and more and more people will come together to create healthy emotional environments. That can't happen, however, if we continue to enable dysfuctional family dynamics. I think we all deep down wish we could change our parents, but I'm willing to bet that's not going to happen for the overwhelming majority of us. Coming to a process of inner acceptance of this fact is essential in the journey to healing from trauma. Most people have huge resistance to this idea, but the people who see the family dysfunction, and the reality that accompanies it, will walk away one by one. Then, new communities will be born where people can truly be themselves. It's quite a terrifying idea if I think about it, mostly because of my own resistance to being emotionally vulnerable, but I think it's the way of the future.

Thank you Daniel, this video was what I needed today. It feels like you speak to my soul.

Broke away from FOO on Christmas Day 2015. Emigrated to Central Europe with one bag and a hockey stick. Best decision ever.

Keep up the good fight. Truth is on your side. Thank you for all the work you share, it makes a huge difference and needs to be out there. Your work has been essential to and continues to very much effect my path in life for the better. Very rare to find such a low amount of BS anywhere period. Thank you

this is truly the way that I think too. people around me think it's a very extremist view, but being on this path has pushed me deeper and deeper into truly knowing myself and having a more expanded view of life. the pain has been immense and there is still much to continue to heal from, but God am I better off now even if I feel really alone at times.

One of my favorite wise men once talked about shamans this way. He said that they were considered crazy, and that they lived outside of the village. He said that they weren't in quarantine, but the village was. The doctor doesn't get in bed with the patient.

Dangerous message. Often family are the only people who truly care, and want to provide suppor to each other throughout life - why cut off such a valuable resource? We all hurt each other. Even the speaker. Good enough families will also repair each other, apologise etc. By all means leave dangerous families - you might find more peace that way, but you will still be wounded and weakened until you strengthen yourself somehow through learning to relate more healthily.

it sadly wouldnt help due to the significant advantage/ disadvantage of generational wealth in this economy. u will literally NEVER (in 99.999% of cases) get out of the cycle of poverty without using your families wealth.

This is so powerful & I relate to this as someone who broke away & have gone non contact. I grew up in a religious cult, & I realized it & tried to show them. It changed our relationship forever. But I’m grateful I left home & became my own person.

I did it and I feel great. Why stick to toxicity. Yes, my parents were not ready to have children.

❤Thank you for giving your gift to the people, Daniel. It's a gift that keeps on giving...

Man, I’ve said similar things in regards to your other videos, but I’ve never heard another human being describe what I have lived personally and witnessed professionally (also a therapist of 20 years) so exactly, including my own voice that says, ‘say it even though you know the reactive hate is coming.’ So, two things: 1) I’ve been pretty courageous in speaking out thus far, and I refuse to lie, but I have left some stuff unsaid. You’ve inspired me to begin working on a similar channel myself (coming soon!) and 2) I truly never thought I’d hear another human being have the courage and capacity for this level of truth! Again, deepest thanks, Daniel! I’m glad I’m not entirely alone; there is at least two of us, and hopefully, eventually more. Much love, brother! ❤

Thank you for being so authentic and so willing to heal, despite the less than desirable consequences. Your videos are incredibly validating and so helpful. Thank you!

Thankyou Daniel. I have managed and my children don't talk to me. And I realized that your parents should be proud of you and be your own individual. If I had done this myself,I would have made me a better parent.

Thank you Daniel, like every video, it's always enlightening to hear your horn of truth. As someone who is probably only at the beginning of this highly confusing and mysteriously rewarding healing journey, i'd like to share some of my thoughts: First, probably also from my "acquired" survival skills from childhood, i started to actually see on people's faces what went over them. i'm far from able to say specifically what ordeals people suffered in life, but it is clear that trauma leaves an imprint on the face. for example: someone can be cheerful or content at a certain moment, yet it can be seen in his face, sometimes as if peering under a mask and sometimes screaming like neon makeup, that there is a deep sorrow or fear around the eyes. Second, regarding to spirituality, i think that you daniel is one of the more authentically deep people i know. one of my interest is what is considered "conventual" (eastern) spirituality, and time and time again i realize and convinced that dealing with historical trauma is not only a virtue but the basis. The shallow "spiritual" people are simply dissociated and if they go deeper they'll simply get lost, stuck, lose their minds or become a shell of a person (even if in a state of "bliss"). Like in everything in life, you have to be with a strong core of your true self to grow. Third, as you've mentioned in the video about the desire for more allies, i think this is slowly happening. More and more people, from my observation, are opening up to talk about childhood trauma. Heck, even the psychology field as a whole might be going somewhere with their cPTSD. Though you are right, these people of internal might and honesty are still few and far between. And last, in the utopia of a mostly healed world, one of the things i envision is real connection with nature. Actually living in harmony with what is around us without the desire to abuse and extract (like what is done to us children). Imagining the new family system and society in such a new and fascinating world can be almost impossible just from the distance we are from it. And yet, i do believe we, as the whole humanity, are on the path to this utopia but it will take many many dozens of years and unbearable growth through pain.

I've broken from my parents physically. I haven't spoken to them in over a year, and my life is all the better for it. Though, I'm really struggling to accept the reality of breaking from them on an emotional level. The wounded inner child, if you will, inside of me is still attached to them and doesn't really accept the idea that they never really loved me for who I was. I'm gonna keep working on it, though. The real healing won't begin until I can get that message to penetrate through my mental blocks and I can accept reality for what it is. Thank you for all you do, Daniel.

Looking at why there is such a blind spot about how to raise children... 1) since the parents were trained to restrict their emotions, they feel overwhelmed by and dislike their own children for having raw emotions so they must nip it in the bud early... 2) In nature, the fittest survive and animal mothers will abandon their young if anything is perceived to be weak about them. It is cruel but serves a purpose if the animal is physically weak. Unevolved humans do this same behavior but it is distorted to include any characteristic or personality type they don't like. Hence the emotional rejection of children who, say aren't good at sports or other aspects society deems favourable... 3) I don't know when it started but there is this weird idea that it is better to give a child less attention because giving more love will spoil the child. There have been books written on how it is desirable to let a baby cry itself to sleep to teach it to manage its emotions... 4) Related to this is this concept that you mustn't let a child become 'feral'. It must be taught to be 'civilized' as early as possible. A side effect to that, along with punishing emotions, is the child loses intuitive ability and more easily fits into society... 5) Abused children tend to become adults who in turn abuse their own children as a sort of rite of passage.

wow thank you Daniel for showing us that pure child/self that you are so able to let shine through!! it is so cute sometimes when i pause the video well actually most times when i pause your video because i am doing other things and want to make sure that i do not miss a single word that you say, when i come back and sit down when i look at the screen with your face paused in these different very emotional expressions i can truly see that little boy shining through like a diamond!!! but for the first time today when i was watching this video i was over whelmed by the pureness of your demeaner and it brought lots of tears to my eyes just how amazing it is to witness something so beautiful and that i never dreamed this was possible or even existed, and tears also because how happy i am for that little boy who fought to be himself and won!! CONGRADULATIONS Daniel !! and also this is a way far better accomplishment for yourself and to display/model and share with the whole world than any you mentioned at the beginning of the video

Thanks for making me feel less alone in my thoughts Daniel! Truly priceless

Thank so much Daniel. Thanks for being on your side and showing me how being an allie to myself would look like. I needed this message so much. Thanks for being your best allie and wayshowing and inspiring, i love as a brother in this path of freeing from trauma, freing from parents and family.

Breaking away from parents is definitely painful. I don’t think any normal ppl will willingly do that. I broke away years ago only bc if I don’t I’ll die. There was no choice. People always do what’s most convenient and comfortable for them

Thank you so much for being you. I couldn't agree more. I broke from my family system under harsh circumstances 5 years ago. I started realizing how much I needed it after about a month after breaking from them. My entire life has improved in every aspect imaginable. I stumble upon your KZfaq channel by chance and have been binge watching your episodes since last week. Thank you for putting your personal thoughts for everyone to watch/listen to. Your videos have been putting my mind at ease because I did, in fact, have doubt about how I was going about things. Thanks again for being you.

Your videos have saved my sanity. Thank you!

I think that’s a little extreme. I don’t think in every situation thats the best idea. What happened to forgiveness and growth. Maybe in some situations it’s nessary but not always.

I hear you and I agree with you. Thank you for sharing your thoughts: is good to know that one isn't alone in this world. It also gives me hope to find other people who are conscious about their trauma and whom are healthier individuals. Have a great day, Daniel!

important point you make about emphasising with children. I think children will always go through 'trauma' (my quotes) but if they have a sense of safety from their family it won't become a 'trauma' that has ongoing unhealthy effects. Something to be careful about breaking from your parents is that you may look for parental rescue from authority figures or even fall out with your boss because you transfer your own family relation challenges onto your boss because you don't feel you can challenge your parents directly. Your videos are good because they bring these subjects into conversation.

Love the truthfulness, courage and authenticity of this man.

I love this. Reminds me of the Pat Benetar song "Hell Is For Children".

Thank you for your service, Daniel. I deeply appreciate the sacrifice you've made. I'm making it too, in my own way, and noticing many of the same penalties. There is still so, so much denial out there, so much enabling, so much convenience and expediency chosen over the much more gruelling task of correcting the core malfunction - our collective loss of self and its functions: self-reflection, independent thought, emotional awareness and attunement with nature to name a few. Advocating the message you do is an invaluable contribution to humanity and I think it helps to recognise how people come to refuse to hear it due to all the powerful incentives to ignore it. Maybe this is a discussion worth having at some point. Like you have said many times, a powerful incentive to ignore the truth is all the oftentimes invisible strings attached in the family system dynamic, the tacit threat of disownment and disinheritance, the withdrawal of what little nurturance there ever was from the by then emotionally starved child, the ostracism and getting shut out in the cold contemporary world alone with a metaphorical mark on one's back that attracts predators from all around, sometimes even predators in the profession of psychiatry and psychotherapy. I think for people who are not suited to be advocates for the message, could still play a role to bring about its fruition, it's all in the incentives and disincentives. We can use our limited influence in the world to remove what disincentives to healing we might find ourselves able to, and conversely use what influence we have to incentivise healing; I've found that people are woefully ignorant of the amazing benefits of healing and living a cleaner life. My observation is that many people appear to believe narcissistic behaviour is profitable, but who tells them about the significantly shortened life-expectancy of individuals with NPD, and their much higher incidence of suicide? Who tells people that manipulating your way all the way to the top in society leaves the individual with zero trusted friends and complete emotional disconnection and distrust of everyone? "Winning" in today's world sucks and it only looks good from the outside. Just thought I'd share some of my recent thoughts. Thanks again.

Daniel i think what you mean to say is that we would all benefit from looking at the world in an objective way (the best we can) without the judgement of our parent's lingering in our minds. To suggest we should all break from our parents would not make sense for many people who did have good upbringings. Nobody's upbringing is perfect but we all must learn from our parent's mistakes to ensure the next generation is healthier and better off.

I get it, thank you for sharing, Daniel. ❤

It is not about blaming them but taking responsibility, and society does not teach that or parenting or childhood trauma

Thank you for your courage and honesty. Please keep going and sharing more of your knowledge with us!

Thank you Daniel, these ideas and videos are helping me a lot

glad I discovered ur channel, I have the same exact views...imo the way a kid should grow up is not to be limited to "blood" relations but by having many connections and figures in a diversely enriched community...the issue with family is that since the industrial revolutions the family structure started to decrease in size(prior to that more senior figures tookcare of children) and kids now have less ways to interact with the rest of society(apart from school and sports)... so now with the current family setup the child picks up all the bad traits and traumas of their parents

Thank you so much for sharing these thoughts, Daniel. I am in the process of breaking from the family system and this has been tremendously helpful.

We are sovereign beings. If we all understood this in the truest sense, the world would know freedom.

I think that people who are taught that it’s better to be numb and alone want others to be that way too. That way when people reject them or die, it’s easier to forget them.

I kind of agree that distancing yourself from your parents can help you. Can help you grow, and teach you how to deal with what is inside you. Breaking off... I don't know. For some time - definitely. If you feel ready to talk to your parents knowing that they still might invalidate you and yet not get (re)traumatized - I guess you can still keep some form of contact, probably limited, but... I don't know. Even if there was toxicity, there might still be some kind of love. If the toxicity is too big to deal with, break away I guess. They might be traumatized people themselves who deserve better in life. You're not responsible for them, but... I don't know. I just cannot 100% phantom going cold turkey on them. Being distanced - yes. Anyway I also think that even if you're not 100% healed and want to have children, well... Yes, you should prepare to be the best parent you can be - be able to deal with life problems and not transferring them to kids. But I guess even healthy parents can get PTSD in their life and their empathy could stop working at critical times of child's development - and viola, trauma for the kid. Maybe we are destined to bring up more or less messed up people. Maybe at some point we get messed up by things outside of our parents control. But I guess that's part of life, and what is important is to try to heal and be able to deal with this mess, or at least give it a honest try. And perhaps give the same chance to our children. (Kind of thinking about Evangelion anime right now).

You're very brave, Daniel. Thank you... for speaking your mind and making that effort to be authentic.

Thank you so much for these great talks!

5:12 Your ability to talk about this stuff opens the door for others to find the strength to talk about it as well. A lot of us feel and see this as the truth of our reality, but not all of us will be brave enough to stand up and shed light on it. Thank you.

Personally I don't think you need family as an adult. If you have a great/healthy family that's one thing, but if you don't, you should be able to break up with them.

I appreciate your commitment to the truth, to your truth. It is a necessity and a scarce resource. I don't want to tell you to do anything so that you conform to any ideas of doing it for my expectations.

My mom broke from my dad when I was 10, without considering my need for him in my life. She broke with me at 17.

Children "have to" go through trauma, because society is a trauma structure and their parents know the children will have to operate in it. And that's wrong. The reason why society is a trauma structure is because society disregards the social and emotional aspects of human relationships for collaborational purposes. They force collaboration through debt-based currency.

People have a strong natural biological/physiological attachment to their families that remains largely throughout their life...this is underestimated/undervalued by much of psychology though I think there's some research on it. Certainly neuroscience has shown this attachment between mothers and their infants and small children. It seems obvious that bond does not break. Everyine has a dark side and good side. We are social creatures, we NEED people to have basic psychological and also physical health. There is no stronger community than family. No one will understand you like them, relate to you like them, or support you like them at least in certain ways. Your friends can be great but if the going gets tough they may ditch you. Despite all their problems and the issues inherent to humanity, most families wouldn't do that. You can heal from childhood trauma and help your parents get on the track with therapy to heal from theirs. Why not. Relatives are often the most important people in someone's life even from when they were babies. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins..again it's built-in close community that's irreplaceable

Powerful words. One of your best vids in a while

Thanks, man - now I know who my ally is and who must take care of that little, crying baby.

I should have broken from my ‘parents’ when I was 18. I didn’t know that I was in an abusive co-dependent relationship with them. I didn’t have the knowledge about boundaries or self until my mid-30s. If I had a re-do I would have left and said ‘not my problem’.

ive recently (in my late 40s ) Ok mid 50s.....ok 57 dagnabit, spilt from my toxic mother and sister , i bumbled along for years being the one everyone pokes and talks about when i am not there...then i got cancer and had a few months to live and they literally coulndt change their behaviour so they stopped being overtly dismissive and went covert but this made it more noticable , the cancer was all my fault (because i eat macdonalds and my family only eat proper food ), they are horribly judgemental .......(.at 5 years old i used to try and go home with other families coz i always knew mine were dysfunctional ). anyway i digress , i wote to my mum and told her what i think of her in the most honest and direct way i could imagine, it was so brutal i was hoping it would induce a heart attack , i told her i knew she was abused as a kid but she wasnt taking her repressed anger out on me anymore .....havent heard from them for 4-5 months now and its great . you dont need assholes around you even family , they are the worst especiall if you are the black sheep

Daniel you must have been an amazing therapist! I have done the rounds of therapy and there was no one who was not also deeply unconscious! They were all totally useless! So thank you for your radical thoughts! You are not alone ❤

ronald laing said family is the root of all evil and wars as well

You may be marginalised for saying the truth, but you are also helping so much people to understand a different reality and find hope. Thank you for your honesty and bravery. You should be proud of yourself as professional and human being.

Once you do the trauma work, the next step is spiritual awakening. It will find you. I’m not a Buddhist but when the Buddha says enlightenment is the end of suffering, he’s right. I’m not totally there but a good deal of the way and I have forgiven my family and others. This sets us free

Are you sure you're not projecting your own issues out onto the population at large and prescribing something that would actually be toxic to others instead of helpful? What about families that get along? Families that have come to terms with whatever may have gone amiss in earlier times? Families that support one another in good times and bad? They do exist, you know. I just buried my mom this summer and while she didn't give us a perfect childhood (reality check: nobody can do that for you, by the way), I always respected her and loved her and the feeling was also always mutual. She enriched my life intellectually and artistically almost up to the end, when she was suddenly very sick and needed her kids to take care of her the way she had once taken care of us. If I could redo the last couple of decades, I'd spend even more time with her.

I agree I was high this weekend and my mom wouldn’t leave me alone. I’d like to be traumatized high every weekend thank you very much

Love your messages Daniel… keep spreading your healing message! Thank you ☮️

I like a lot of your ideas but I think this one comes from your own unresolved trauma and bitterness. I see too, that most people are traumatized. That is the main problem with humanity as I see it. But to suggest that absolutely everyone should break free from their family of origin Is a really cold and dark viewpoint that dismisses the beauty of a loving family. Even if the parents aren't completely perfect and mess up a little here and there, it doesn't make them monsters as long as they are always trying to improve themselves and showing love to the highest degree they can. I was harmed tremendously by my parents so I understand the pain. My mother is dead now and my father is alive but has not spoken to me in years because he is simply uninterested. I have a son. Would you assume that I'm a horrible parent now because of where I came from? Would you advise my son to prepare to completely disappear from my life when he gets older ? Simply because I was traumatized Should we ensure that we never develop a healthy family dynamic? For the record despite my shortcomings, My son as a crying baby was absolutely pampered. It nearly killed me to be so attentive to him in the 1st couple of years Because I truly was not prepared for it. I had never seen an example of good parenting, And I had no help besides my husband of course, But I did most of the work. I sided with my crying baby. While I am not perfect I am very proud of how much I showed up for him and those 1st couple of years. Please do not assume that everyone neglects their infant. Even in the most exhausting moments when I felt half dead, I summoned the strength to appreciate every moment. When i hadn't slept for days and my arm was asleep because he was comfortable and sleeping on me And all I wanted in the world was to relax every muscle of my body and collapse onto my bed and sleep. I would stay right where I was, suffering for him, and looking at his face, loving him. Singing him songs to soothe him. But I still fail in ways. I am not perfect. I think it's unfair to expect perfection out of anyone. I know that my failure is rooted in my depression.I don't have enough energy to play with him as often as I would like to. I have problems socializing So he gets fewer play dates then he should. But I push myself and I do what I can. My top priority is that he always knows that he is loved. He knows that No matter what happens in this life there is nothing he can do to diminish my love for him. I make sure that he knows hes safe. I also discipline him By teaching 1st. He can do something wrong and I have talks with him and I help him to fully understand why what he did was not appropriate and he gets chance after chance. I find that it is extremely rare that I have to actually take things to a consequence a proper punishment. He learns gently but I am firm when I have to be. Sometimes he feels wronged by me. When he expresses to me that he feels wronged I take it into honest consideration and I apologize if necessary. To summarize long story short I am doing my damn best for him. I learn as much about child development and psychology as I can. I am in therapy and have been for 4 years my son is 6 years old. I do not expect him to take care of me when I get older he doesn't owe me anything. I only owe him because I brought him into this world I see it as my responsibility to be his ambassador and set him up to be as successful an adult as I possibly can. To expect perfection out of me or anyone is unfair. Yes I will make mistakes. But because of those mistakes if you think that it's right for him to completely cut himself out of my life when hes older I'm sorry sir that is just wrong. Like I said he doesn't owe me anything but I certainly hope that our love is a bond that will keep him in my life that I can continue to watch him grow as he ages as a man and to know his children if he chooses to have them and to actually try to grow some love in this world. Instead of this dreadful isolation that our society promotes so profoundly.

People have children for all kinds of reasons , majority have children because they think it’s the thing to do .., it’s something they feel it’s important in their lives without knowing what they’re really getting themselves into.., and never considered if they were remotely capable of being a parent.

This shit is more important than what I’ve learned in 4 years of undergrad, 2 years of a masters, and 3 years of a doctorate.

At least since puberty, I can't remember a time when I actually sympathised with my parents. I was beaten more than anyone I knew, by father, by teachers, though I don't feel I was ever traumitised. As a teenager all I could seem to manage is to hate all authority, and that at least protected me. It was my parents that left me, they went to live overseas when I was 17, and I never lived with them again. In my early 20s, after a period of letting go of all that had been conditioned into me that I no longer wished to harbour, I eventually remembered my whole self, that which existed when I was born. A part of that remembering was unconditional love, because simply all that is whole only knows love for the whole, and thus I discovered love of my parents. From then I was able to hug and kiss them, spend time with them, but learned quickly to avoid all conversations regarding their worldly perspectives. That's fine.

Thank you Daniel :)

“Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” [Gen. 2:24]

I totally agree with this. Everyone should take this time for themselves. There are a few Dr. That are praised for talking about trauma. But I praise and thank you.

Thanks man ❤

It is a bad convention/tradition that one ought to be on good terms with one's parents and therefore must work on improving the relationship, if it is not great. It was liberating for me to give up on the idea that I need to have a good relationship with my father. He left little opportunity to let me know how inadequate I was as small child (in his eyes) and never kept his word on any promises he made later. It was a waste of time to communicate with him and once I decided to stop, it was for the better. If one's parents aren't ones friends or even just decent people for starters, why keep the relationship alive?

My mother has the emotional maturity of child, her father always did everything for her, she was never taught or learned to be independent and emotionaly mature, to make it even worse, she has high number of chronic health problems, between my part time father and mothers wanting to give me items, instead of nuturing, I became a spoiled person, with my own chronic health issues and emotional problems myself, didn't finish school. I wish I could have moved and enrolled at a university that is far away......... I believe you are correct, ideally, people should be away from their parents, to form their own identity, but, I also believe in helping those who can't help themselves, in many asian cultures, the family is the center of everything. If my mother had been remarried, or didn't have high number of health issues, I would have left...........

I really agree with you regarding having a child!!

The only family member I keep in touch with is my stepmother, the woman who broke up my family and destroyed it. She's not mean or anything, but superficial. Our five or six conversations per year last no more than five minutes, and they involve me suppressing myself, my voice, and talking about bullshit, like the weather. The last time I saw my dad and stepmother was during Christmas several years ago. My abusive brother was there with his daughter and a stepbrother with his family. As soon as they left to go home, my parents got a drink and sat down. Dad watched TV, mom worked on a puzzle book. I instantly became invisible. So painful. The Black Sheep. My last conversation with my stepmother probably didn't make it past the two-minute mark. That woman has no interest in me. I am fucking done with my entire family. I stand alone!

I think nothing heals the rejection, of having to establish boundaries that were mistakenly not set beforehand, than hearing someone else who can articulate the pain and torment of it all. I made the mistake of feeling that since I stood up for myself, where no one else would, that I would feel validated and confident. Not the case. I think the PTSD of it all can relate the pain and identify with the loss, that that is healing. Thank you Daniel.

Your approach is what I look for. Reminds me of Vernon Howard's lectures, they stand out definitely!!!!

Thank you so much for your work, the biggest innovators and prophets were the most rejected by society

Appreciate you so much

Thank you. You are just lovely.

I've found that the most valuable people with the most valuable insights are found outside the norm, bc they threaten the norm. the norm can't yet grasp truth.

wow, the sound of your inner voice is so different from your your own voice:))) it's so deep, I'd even say brutal!

You are my main ally it’s strange that my own parents and my family system and the society that I’m part of Always trying to cut me down and make me confuse On the other hand man from the opposite side of the world does not even speak my language support me and honoring me and understanding what I’m seeing and feeling Thank you so much daniel we owe you so much

The stuff said here about babies was really triggering but I really felt the need to keep listening. Just watch KZfaq videos featuring babies and you'll see the callousness of not only the parents (and surrounding a-dolts) in the videos, but the comment section is mostly and disgustingly on "the side" of the parents. People think the most effed up and neglectful things are funny.

Although I do believe that perfection resides on a continuum, I also feel that "they did the best they could with what they had" is a copout. "The world owes all its onward impulses to men ill at ease" --Hawthorne

I haven't gotten that much backlash for breaking from my parents, just a little maybe but I don't talk about it too much and just say "I'm taking distance from my family these days we'll see how it develops". Since I've talked with my sister again, she's been doing the work. Parents I'm not sure at the moment, but people mostly say oh that must be hard and respect it.

I get you and thank you! 😊