"I am the eating and the eating is all there is" is the most accurate description of every individual moment of my life. People tell me to "live in the present" and have no idea that living in the present is all I've ever been able to do and it's such a rollercoaster. When you're sad, sadness is all that exists and ever has. When you're happy, you've never known suffering. When others are near you, you are them and nothing else. When you are alone, you are the tree that falls in the forest without a sound. I spent a whole 15 minutes typing this out and rewording it, and for this span of time, I have been this youtube comment.

my biggest pain has been having my interests traumatised by a very severe burnout and several huge artistic and professional setbacks. I went into a deep burnout for years and the smallest thought of my interests would trigger intense panic. I have finally started to find my way back to joyful creativity after about 7 years of intense almost daily suffering. I feel much older now. thank you for your words.

I have no idea what I look like and am shocked when I see a photo.

I'm having my ASD assessment in June and I have no freaking idea what to tell somebody about myself. I have no map of myself in my mind that I can just show to someone. I'm an expert in my field and you could wake me up in the middle of the night to ask me anything to do with it or let me help you with a case, but I am not aware of myself enough to tell you anything that goes beyond the current situation. And even if you asked me what was going on inside me right now, I'd have to think about it for a good moment or two.

THANK YOU. I've been trying to say this for years. I have no self. I exist. That's all. In my brain, i have no body or vessel. I have nothing but what im doing. I don't have or lack self esteem. I don't remember that i exist enough to feel good or bad about myself. I just am. I can't relate to people because my experiences arent framed in my brain in the same way as NT's. The basis of my thinking is vastly different to other people

I was extremely sceptical when this was recommended to me given the title, but damn, that all other/no self and all self/no other thing really flippin applies to me. I'm either focused entirely on what someone else wants from me and fulfilling that and can't even think about myself, OR I'm soulsearching or focused on information and am not able to simultaneously focus on another human. This is why I can't study in groups. I can't focus on a thing while also being aware of a person near me. I have to shut one of the two out. This is part of why I have such immense trouble talking about myself and my feelings. I can't decipher what I'm feeling AND think about how another human is feeling at the same time. Thanks for this. This video puts it into words for me. I knew this was true about me, I just didn't know anybody else was like this too, and there were words to describe it. Also obviously the empathy thing applies too, but I already knew about that, that wasn't new information. I still need to find a way to cope with all of the suffering in the world weighing me down because I experience too much empathy. Am open to tips. Gotta get rid of this damn depression somehow.

I feel like I just had a master class. Beautiful! I can’t tell what people are feeling but once I find out then I am very caring. I also feel the weight of the worlds problems. I think more then most of my friends.

I feel for the World's people as a whole. This is interesting as an idea. It kinda explains why I have such a hard time understanding race. All people are one.

Thanks for articulating this. I've been trying to put this same experience into words for a while. Since language is the currency of shared experience, internal realities are very hard to convey with words alone.

You have made a very good point there that I've not heard many others make. I feel I'm very empathic. However, I also have been criticized for not having a strong sense of self. I didn't realize until I went to therapy that others didn't operate in my way. As you say, I would get lost in my strong enthusiasms, whether they directly affected me or not. I felt NTs to be selfish and egotistical because it seemed that they and not the love of the subject was central. And yes. Sometimes I feel boring because I don't always have an opinion or like/dislike on certain issues and I'm always stumped when people ask my preferences because I don't really have favorites and find it hard to compare. For example in music, my taste was very ecclectic, whilst NTs always, seemed to have a favourite group, singer or be a devotee of a particular genre. To me, well arranged and played music is good. I see the talent, not the formula so to speak. Do others share this?

Very unique view of autism! I would like to add to this idea too: Despite lacking the 'I' in our head in regards to others, I discovered that 'I' is the entity perceiving my ideas, and transforming them into language to speak. The 'I' is what makes change exist. 'I' decide to focus, or not to focus, or walk and not to walk. A great example of 'I' being "change" is mind over matter. At the end of the day, lacking an ego, or even partially, seems to have some incredible benefits. Thank you for your video!

Very interesting thoughts, thank you Christian. I've always felt "different", as if I don't belong to this world. But at the other hand I've also been puzzled about how other people see me. I once asked my therapist (I was treated for depression) and she joked: "I'll ask my magic ball..." I have no clue what other people think of me and it makes me feel very insecure about my place in the world. Two years ago at the age of 70 I discovered that I have Aspergers and now know I cannot "change" (as therapists wanted me to), just have to learn to live and cope with it.

Hi Christian, I don't generally comment on YT but I want to let you know I especially enjoy your ways of thinking & articulating your autistic experience. My first contact with your work was through your video of 4 years ago, "What Life Is Like...". I resonate completely with your description of experiencing the inter-relationship of "everything". When that video came to me last year, I was immersed in Alan Watts' descriptions of Taoist / Buddhist experience of Being. I have always been drawn to exploration of "realities" and awareness of Being, and have pursued this intuitively over many decades through various "mystic" viewpoints and experiential psychologies such as shamanism, Tantra, Buddhist awareness, many of which confirm my experience of "self" as "I am just a Thing that Happens". I'm more interested in the ideas and perceptions of these approaches to Being, and the practical applications, than any of the "spiritual" subtexts they have accumulated. Your articulation of your experience shares a language with some of my favourite thinkers eg writer / ontologist Robert Anton Wilson (in his "Cosmic Trigger" trilogy, also Quantum Psychology and Prometheus Rising), Terence McKenna (a master of articulating vast perceptions of how humans construct realities), Alan Watts and Richard Bandler (who co-created the NeuroLinguistic Programming model). There are many others, of course. Today when I found this particular video about Self, you mentioned Donna Williams' book, which I am just in the process of re-reading, because she also extends her thinking into these realms of "pure" Being-ness. Anyway, thank you for your excellent descriptions, your intuitive intellect and your confirmation for me that autism can be expressed in these metacognitive ways. You offer really intelligent insight in a world dominated by lazy, superficial, habituated ignorance.

That is so funny when you talked about being autistic and just sitting there, i had that for the first time once i was treated for adhd with stimulant medication. It was just one of the best experiences to just be able to finally see clearly for the first time in 40 years. I finally had no intrusive thoughts and it just felt so comforting for the first time. Then everyone around me said they hated me. I guess that was the first time my autistic self really was truly apparent and free of the constant change of attention focus.

For whatever it's worth, I've been told I'm on the spectrum and have never, not once, "lost myself" in what I'm doing. Also, for those who do achieve a state of concentration, or flow, that just means optimal experience--the silencing of the complaining, ego-obsessed voice in your head. Finally, saying "you too" after being told to enjoy your food is a simple malapropism that probably has more to do with misfiring reflexes than anything else--when someone extends good wishes, you either say "thank you," or "and you as well," or their equivalents. It's just jumping the wrong way; it doesn't mean a lack of ego structure.

I happened across this video by sheer luck and very much needed to hear it today.

Aspergers here and I am self aware, actually so self aware that I see others as unattached. The trick is to study psychology and human behavior if you are aspergers.

Very smart thoughts. I'm not sure if I'd agree with your definition of a "self", but I share the experiences you describe. I'd say that every self is sort of a permeable, absorbent, diffuse, somehow constructed thing, not something with well defined borders. While autistic people might lose themselves on the object level and on the pure empathic or emotional level, NTs might lose themselves on the social level. I don't see a clear cut between autistic people and NTs anyways, both a part of the same contious spectrum.

Great description. Sounds like the ego-mind/relative self is fused with the absolute self, but without self-awareness. Very much the way chidren are before forming a "separate identity". Some people then develop a sense of a separate self. And some become supraconscious (aware of self as awareness/conscious itself), then the separate self and absolute self become one, again. There seems to be a progression we can go through, developmentally (we meaning humans). And we all go through this developmental progression at different rates, reaching different levels of consciousness. On a spectrum. The spectrum of Consciousness.

What a balm. Thank you.

I wish I had seen this video when I first figured out I was autistic, about six months ago. I've been saying this about the self-other structure and there is so little validation for it, maybe because there is so little popular understanding of self as necessarily being also about other. Thank you for saying it so clearly. This is validating. I am so sick of people lecturing me about living in the present when I feel either stuck in the present or disassociated into the eternal! I've been working up to making videos, too, and this is very encouraging. Literally. It is giving me courage. It takes audacity in this world to say such things.

Brilliant, brilliant video. You describe perfectly what I've always felt but never heard anyone word it quite like this. Thank you! Can't wait to check out your other content. 😊

Hey, this was fantastic! You're right, some of these states you're describing are similar to the liberated blissfulness that meditators have sought for millennia. The "I am this body, I am this person" is the ego sense and in advanced states of consciousness of great yogis, they've realized that the thoughts of "I am this body, I am these thoughts, I am this person" will fade away in deepest meditation. The "real I" one might say is the being or pure consciousness, no self, no other. Could it be that some autistic folks have less of the "false I" ego sense than most other folks? Fascinating theory.

I'm newly diagnosed asd and in the prosses of working out if I have adhd to. Unfortunately for me I cant sit there and just take in the world in a meditative like state, I have a racing mind to say the least. I enjoyed the video, would love to see one on ego or lack of it regarding asd you frame things in a interesting fashion.

This is monumental. A radical reframing of the fundamental understanding of autistic consciousness. It rings so true to me, and helped me feel better about some of the things I do and ways I am. Now I want to read that book you mentioned. Anyway I hope this video reaches a lot more people, I think it's really good and important.

Yes, absolutely, infodumping is not about showing off, like probably an NT would do,but about enthusiasm to share information and assuming that the other is interested in it too, and yes in that situation there is No other...

Amazing post! The eloquence of a philosopher and the observation of a scientist rolled into one. I'm going to show this to a couple of NTs at work and see if they understand me better. Thanks 👍 on my subscribed list.

That expession that everybody uses of "be(ing)yourself "it 's almost hilarious !who you really are to be that .If you are anything you dont think that thing ,you are that thing.Cats dont say "well today im gonna be myself ".They just are what they are.

What you describe as the absorption of just being, sure sounds a lot like samadhi or sat-chit-ananda in Sanatana Dharma/Advaita Vedanta (Hinduism).

Brilliant insights! Really glad I've found your channel.

I've been saying something very similar about self/other focus! It's exciting to see other people thinking along the same lines. I've been assuming it's due to the detail focus vs big picture - I can only focus on one thing at a time, but I can switch (or flip): a) an idea I'm thinking about b) what I'm feeling in my body c) what someone else is saying d) what someone else is feeling So I can have extreme empathy at one time, but info dump another time (and these days eventually become aware I'm making someone uncomfortable)

I haven't been diagnosed but I am acutely aware that my consciousness has a lacking, an emptiness, or an inverted focus that other people don't. So my search brought me here.

I think this was all very well said. Much appreciated.

thanks to the algorithm, I just discovered your channel. Subbed! Thankyou my fellow Aspie 😊

I would rather guess that memory (very short term memory) does not register our motives which are often missing because our responses tend to be automatic rather than intentional. For the person who is always overthinking the situation, re-examining motives, the memory of why you said a certain thing is missing, so the brain makes something up and that feels like a memory. At this juncture the view point of a thought gets lost in the noise. We lose the context of whether we have an opinion at all, or if so, what that opinion might have been. But since the memory of the impulse to say or do something is often devoid of any true motive, we try to assign a meaning to that impulse, which may have had none to begin with. It is only in the absence of a reliable prediction model for making a determination about our communication style and methods, whether we are being effective, or correct, that we get confused and then attempt to rationalize the inner workings of our consciousness. This can become a problem if we are concerned about authenticity which we can never truly define. This would not be a problem for us except it seems to us that other people have no problem defining it (which may not be true).

I was skeptical when i saw the title, but the more it went on the more o recognized that it's true to my experience

Such a beautiful way to explain this experience. Thank you.

Excellent talking! What a good speaker you are and I love when there aren't any cuts. But maybe you could improve the visibility of the blackboard next time.

this is fascinating and I can't wait to watch more of your videos. Something I have noticed is the dropping of the word "i" when speaking/writing. As in, saying "going to the park tomorrow, want to take some photos for the book". When talking about myself in the past tense, I sometimes use she/they. Never knew why, but this seems like a strong hypothesis considering other evidence, like having to intentionally change the framing of myself in speech and thought so I don't use phrases like "i am lazy" or "i am not good at writing" or even "I am kind" to "i am practicing taking my time/practicing writing/practicing kindness" because if I am practicing, then "I" am active and evolving rather than being. I hope that makes sense.

I often thought on how quickly people could articulate their wants and needs, what they like and "are" while I had to learn this over time, really study my preferences and "who I am". And I get into some panic over "who I am". And with time I take quizes and used anchors to remember that and deal with other stuff but some of this never leave me. I get the feeling my sense of self is very flexible and I had to "anchor it" with things.... Now I think maybe autism is one of rhe reasons. And to that I thank you.

I love your way of looking at it. Searching for self is very tiring. Funny - I have always felt that saying I love cinema was very intimate thing to say.... cinema is my special interest)

This is a very interesting way of looking at self in autism. I have it and I can get very lost in my interest. Hours can pass without me even realizing it.

This was amazing. Your presentation is fantastic.

It also depends on how much you are on the spectrum. For me, I'm so absorbed in what I'm doing sometimes that I forget myself. But I think about my identity a lot sometimes as well. Sometimes I'm also hyper aware of how I am interacting with others and how my actions affect them and how they affect me. Sometimes, I "become what I am doing" like you said. It depends on how passionate I am about it.

this is so true about the way i feel when I'm listening to music in my headphones in public and i start dancing a bit like everyone else can hear it too but actually I do look very odd haha

Being the verb makes a lot of sense to me I do often feel that all else about me momentarily ceases to exist when not active because I am not doing that other activity I am my role, my activity, in the current moment

Subscribed! You put it so eloquently!

This is the best I've heard my experience described. Most of my life I've been no self all other, and sometimes (when playing piano/special interests) I'm all self no other And it's incredibly difficult to do self and other simultaneously I'm not sure I've ever done it oh dear 😅

I hate it when I am asked how I am when there is no me and no world. and so I am forced to come back

Yes I think our special interest defines us.

This maybe why I finish the task of eating first at a table with others unless I control for this.

Good work! I love your perspective!

I don't think it's a disorder at all. I believe it's evolution. We are wonderfully made different!

Fellow autistic here... am I understanding what you’ve said: Autistics are more likely to be existing in the moment. And autistics tend feel the world is an extension of self-thus the “you too”? And also... Do you think trauma can complicate this way of thinking? At first, I thought I somewhat disagree with what you said but given further thought I think what I disagree with has more to do with trauma and being forced to try and not be or think like my self. Thus I am hyper aware of both my self and others self and how others view or see me. Or would that be apart of “all other” or would that fall under different types of empathy used as a means for survival due to trauma..? I definitely understand the whole ‘Being in the moment’. This part of existence I feel can be wonderful too.

Interesting. I just kinda thought everything else had this issue but didn’t pay attention to it. I am building an identity but it’s only though resistance to everything around me. I used to consciously aware of “mirroring” others emotions and it was so overwhelming bc of all the pain I feel from, even history books... just felt threatening bc when I feel it it’s too much.

Thank you Christian!! You just did it for me thank you.

So I’m an autistic adult and this sounds very obviously like like he’s overgeneralising *horrendously* from a very severe masking issue. I have a very strong sense of self I feel is intrinsically autistic. I remember feeling compromised and lacking in integrity at multiple points in my twenties because of the number and force of demands for masking I was continuously under, which were, thank gods, much more chaotic and less monolithic than what this person has grown up under as a Mormon (alumni of Brigham Young University, which is a Mormon institution.) I may have felt broken for my inability to be the person demanded and inability to do things I kept on being assured were so easy they couldn’t believe they had to explain them, but at least I didn’t lose myself like this. I really feel this person’s broken model needs to be limited for the potential harm it could cause, but if there’s a way to do it that could mean gently making him see this results from trauma rather than his neurology and means he needs help, that needs to be done.

Very informative, thank you.

You have interesting insight, but it's not about self, but about ego, which is social/cultural identity created to communicate with other people or to just fit in to function smoothly in the society. but lacking clear ego/identity doesn't mean you lack sense of self.

Hmmmm.. I think everyone has this from time to time. I very much feel like I have an "I".. Maybe it's not the same for everyone.. I am glad you find a sense of relief in your mindset. I'm just not sure of that same mindset fits me.

While I've experienced the meditative state you're talking about I find it hard to do on a daily basis due to irritable circumstances and societal expectations and demands. Also trauma from growing up undiagnosed in a family that was/is (most likely also autistic) unable to give emotional validation (if any).

Fantastic Video, thank you for putting all these experiences into words!!!

We, autistics are on another level, if higher beings like Bashar and Kryon say so......our frequency is different, we are humanities future self, much more advance.....Just enjoy whatever you can, focus on what you can :)

So, I’m not really sure how I fall on things. I do often get a sense that I have no feeling at all. I definitely sit and become the void, and my special interests usually allow me to enter a world where I’m just doing calculations or entering a flow state, so to speak. That’s really my favorite thing about them - I want to dissolve away into that, and that’s why I do it, probably. That said, when it comes to emotions, I feel pretty stunted. There’s been big events in my life where I haven’t really felt anything - or at least I can’t describe them. I think maybe it’s like the emotions are too big, and I just short circuit. It’s like I go into robot mode, and I’m just waiting to get to the next task or mode. In the moment, though, it really feels like nothing; and in fact, my mental ability breaks down such that there’s really no thoughts present either (or at least decreased processing). When I see other people in a state of deep emotion, my first reaction isn’t to feel what they feel (which isn’t so true when I’m watching TV or movies - if I see someone else cry, I will most likely cry, etc). If I see someone cry in real life, I’m not so much affected by it. I know I don’t want them to feel bad, and I might try to help them feel better, but I’m not so affected by them that I will break down as well. I go more into problem solving mode, and it very much seems from my own after-the-fact deconstruction of it, that my emotions are set offline, and I go into next instruction mode. I just had an autism assessment yesterday, and I’m waiting for the results. The doctor said some of the tests were inconclusive, but some others were pretty consistent with an individual on the spectrum. So, maybe it turns out I’m just sociopathic or something similar. I’m not really sure (which is why I sought out a professional). I don’t feel like I am (I generally want others to be happy and for me to not be the cause of their distress), and I consistently score high on ASD tests while scoring low to average on sociopathy tests, but anyway...

That's an interesting way to frame it, I also do the thing you described with the waiter too, I'll have to cogitate on this more. Can I ask why two of your degrees are crooked in the frames? I ask simply because my mind glitched on that. Also what are your degrees in btw?

For the longest time I've wished the world and my budget would let me dress as so many different things day to day, a pirate, a cowboy, a Victorian gentleman just whatever, the thought of being an actor seams incredibly good fun, If I put on my proper fitted suit then I end up influenced by it to act more swag, not like normal for me at all, is this the explanation?

I haven't been diagnosed but I am fairly certain I am on the spectrum. I think the responding to have a good meal for me is instant then almost every time I start thinking why would I say that when I don't know if they are even eating or have already eaten something. I've thought the same when people say good bye and I say cya later. I probably won't see them since we were talking on the phone. I also have ADHD so it makes things hard to sort out at times if I try to. I have sat sometimes and just stared at a thing and felt that thing you mentioned about just being like there is nothing except existence.

I feel like saying it's a theory of mind difficulty isn't accurate. The self/other thing is more accurate and that's more of a switch flipping problem than an ability or inability to perform theory of mind; it seems that most things are either/or for us, while nts are more about shades of gray. Even neuroscience shows our proficiency with black and white understanding vs neurotypical generalizing. I'm pretty sure it all just comes down to a fundamental difference in our processing being more binary, so to speak, than nts.

Excellent explanation! Could you (or anyone) please point me to a video (or make one) about when the 'no self & no other' mode at times may overlap with overwhelm or depression & numbing-out for extended periods, & seeming to get stuck there (mostly) for days or more...? It seems it's not an uncommon issue for Aspies?

Ah, so thats what it is. Thank you.

About sixth sent ... do you have a stront sixth sent ... my perception about energy , places and people is very strong :/

I can relate to a certain extent but autistic people are all different, so I wouldn't make any generalizations. I know many autistic people would say they very much have a self.

Question: Do you think it is possible that someone could be so caught up in the way others think about them - that they forget about themselves? In other words it is self-centered but would look like they are not thinking of themselves, but rather how others are thinking of them. And when you are thinking of how others think of you , you can lose yourself just so as to humour these peoples thoughts about you, and you lose yourself because of the self-centeredness- and therefore have no self now. Sound reasonable? Thank you!

I might contend a slightly simpler interpretation of the social foible you've outlined, that being that you didn't forget or overlook that he was not you and he was not eating, you simply didn't realize what social situation you were in. In other words, you forgot, or more specifically, overlooked, what the answer was to his question. In many if not most situations when someone is engaged in a social platitude, the optimal response is to reciprocate, and in most cases that reciprocation is a simple mirroring, as in "Have a great day!", "You too!". But in "Formal" settings (as a person who is undiagnosed but strongly believes themself to be autistic, i find the level of formality for settings and events very hard to gauge) like shops or events, employees are often instructed to use one-ended language that puts the weight of formality on the employee and allows the customer to engage on whatever level they please. Thus "Enjoy your meal" or "Hope you enjoy your (product)". Since autistic folks tend to depend more on scripting because of a weakness regarding formalities and small talk, it is common that they make more of these type of mistakes than your average person. I could be totally wrong and misunderstanding what you mean, but that was my take. I enjoyed the video though!

An interesting supposition. I'm not sure if I'd subscribe to it. The concept seems a bit amorphous since at some times "All self no other" would contradict not having a strong sense of self. Maybe like some emotions can manifest, our sense of self is all on or all off? Not that I'd advocate the taking of psychoactive drugs but I've heard that the "sense of self" goes away when on drugs like LSD. Perhaps someone who is autistic and has taken these drugs in the past could comment on if they felt a change in their sense of self, it would give a clearer indication of the change. Alternatively John Elder Robinson has described in his book "Switched On" what it was like to have TMS switch on his ability to connect emotionally with others. I don't remember any kind of "aha this is myself" moment in his writing but that didn't seem to be his focus either. Just some thoughts on how to test the concept.

If you have noticed you don't have a self, who/what is noticing you don't have a self?

I think they do but perhaps not àll.

Very well said!

Funny I just noticed your degrees and awards on your wall. I hide mine. Maybe I should display them.

It is jist right what you are saying. Simple as that. The greeks were great thinkers but not great with minorities - other non western cultures in the world are way better. We should be called autolesstic. Without selves. Or Xhoris autos in modern greek I think.

But how did this get into my recommended?

very intresting indeed.

It's from greek language ,Greek here🙂

yes. can see only Gd, consciousness, part of a wider continuum.no I

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you're beautiful i appreciate you very much :)

Strange I've seen people on youtube who have been diagnosed on the asd, and they say they can guage almost too well what other people are thinking and feeling. Maybe there needs to be stricter criteria for diagnosing people.

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sorry, you are wrong.. your opinion is very subjective..