I am the same. It hurts to know people live a much much better life than I could have.

I feel you mate.

Me too

I sincerely believe you can obtain that life of peace but I don’t think it will be an easy road. Many psychologists call it forming an earned secure attachment.

Me too... I usually feel broken

Same. Even/especially my mom. I am learning what it even looks like to prioritize myself. I haven't ever been allowed, let alone required.

Would your father suddenly beat you for no discernible reason or was it for punishment?

@@albertaatieno genuine question: does it really matter the reasoning why a parent would beat their kid?

kzfaq.info/get/bejne/fuB5aNl9p9i8aHU.html This is a link to the next step if you truly need tools and want to move forward and take your time and let your own experience with your life push yourself. Past isn’t relevant but if it is still effecting you today then you’ll get over the world and let it go and be your favorite person and you can always get overwhelmed by the unknown but really focusing on what your point of view was then and remember that was then now what would you like and what your given and how you can make your own life yours again or for ever

my mom did this

@@crappyaccount You need not ask that question. It is never appropriate to beat anyone under any circumstances.

True

Indian/Asian parents too!

also thai parents 😢

It be like that

My parents tried 🤷‍♂️. That’s really all parenting is.. trying your best. My parents gave me a decent childhood. I was clothed, fed, had a roof. Obviously their parents tried too and overtime with each successive generation you tend to try to do better than the last. I’ve heard stories of my abuelo and honestly compared to that my parents were saints. Yeah I never knew if I was gonna be screamed at or hugged but I knew I was going to be cared for

LMAO this made me laugh 💀 💀 but in all honesty, I hope everyone here in the comments reading this that you got this. The healing journey is never easy, but you can do it.

Hey man.. High five! We are in the same team

@@malpaw2371 Stop excusing your bad parents. They did the minimum.

Same I pretty much don’t trust anyone

I just hate life.

You need to do a Dialectic Behavioural Therapy and also take Homeopathic medicine from a good practitioner.

disorganized attachment is the NORM

@@Emanateyourmedicine it’s not……it’s the rarest of them all.

It’s not “so” rare. Where are you getting your info from?

In this era, the rare ones would be "secure attachment style" now. Coz peoole be having insecure attachments and not even realize it

She could have both. She could have had a disorganized-anxious attachment style. Which I have too 😅

Cordial_Lump Pete Walker

@@kchild71 yeah I need to buy that book real bad

Fight, flight, freeze,fawn,flop amd friend

@@AR-ph7wf lmao exactly

@@Cordial_Lump you forgot wtF*ck

I couldn’t figure out why i kept repeating same pattern in all my relationships and leave , few weeks ago cane across a tiktok video about attachment types and found out i have disorganised attachment as my parents got divorced when i was 2 and i only saw my dad in my teen years twice then he died in 2019 , struggled with wanting to love and be loved but at same time always feel that the person will leave me so i made up excuses to leave first

You can either buy a self help or self taught therapy book. Watch videos on how to become securely attached then practice it and/or go to therapy (psychodynamic or interpersonal therapy sounds like it may be affective). I did all 3. I hope this is helpful xx

I believe you can be :) Even though thoughts and past actions influence who we become, our true selves are different. Our true selves are intuitive and regulated and free. ✨✨😉

Totally relate to this. My mother was psychotic and violent in my childhood but then would guilt trip me not to tell anyone, so basically i was holding her violence, shame and conflicting messages whilst she was just a persona.

@ Bryan Agree with your first couple of thoughts ... repression of contradictory thoughts and future relationship difficulty. But as far as BPD, not so sure. CPTSD is many times mistakenly diagnosed as BPD. Practitioners in the trauma fields will typically say there are some similarities between the two, but they are distinctly different.

@@flyingphotography5770 it's more or less same.

No, I have disorganized attachment style but (luckily!) No bpd

Unfortunately what you are saying has statistical data to back it up. Mother's who did not tend to their babies needs have children that grow up with lack of trust/insecurity towards intimate partners. These are the people I tend to call "commitmentphobes". They want the love, but at the same time fear it, unsure that the love is "real".

The good thing is that even though we can have a certain attachment style we can become a healthy secure adult

@@karenr1643 That is not true.

I can relate to this. I'm middle aged and I've never had a relationship past six months. I'm trying hard to "heal"....whatever that is supposed to mean. Doing lots of work.

Your mother did pretty good for the fucked up life she had

You hate her because she is threat to you, of course. So less contact or no contact would be a good option. For the rage: Ever thought of combat sport? Where you can let out the rage in a healthy way with professional trainers that help you channel that rage. -> Tips & Tools for Releasing Stored Trauma in Your Body - 🌻Mindfulness and Movements: bike ride, Boxing, Martial arts, yoga (or trauma-informed yoga), or dancing. Exercise helps your body burn off adrenaline, release endorphins, calm your nervous system, and relieve stress. People who get into martial arts or boxing are often those who were traumatized in the past. They’re carrying a lot of anger and fighting is a great release for them. 🌻Somatic Experiencing: Developed by Dr. Peter Levine. It can release trauma locked in the body. A combination of stress physiology, psychology, neuroscience & indigenous healing practices. (Videos on youtube: kzfaq.info?search_query=Dr.+Peter+Levine%2C+Somatic+Experiencing) 🍀How to release anger from the body - somatic healing tool: kzfaq.info/get/bejne/rLt2g8KFy5nbdYk.html 🍀Somatic Exercises for ANGER: Release Anger in Under 5 Minutes: kzfaq.info/get/bejne/mLala5qUsauskZc.html Release Trapped Emotions: 🍀Somatic Exercises for ANGER: Release Anger in Under 5 Minutes: kzfaq.info/get/bejne/mLala5qUsauskZc.html 🍀How to release anger from the body - somatic healing tool: kzfaq.info/get/bejne/rLt2g8KFy5nbdYk.html 🍀KZfaq Playlist: Trauma Healing, Somatic Therapy, Self Havening, Nervous system regulation - kzfaq.info/sun/PLvgklcA9DqG4K1g4wNh_ff6iiAf8oOUfO 🌻 Havening Technique is a somatosensory self-comforting therapy to change the brain to de-traumatize the memory and remove its negative effects from our psyche and body. It has a calming effect on the Amygdala and the Limbic system. 🍀Exercise: Havening Technique for Rapid Stress & Anxiety Relief : kzfaq.info/get/bejne/fs2Ff7OAzLK1iok.html 🍀Exercise: Self-Havening with nature ambience to let go of painful feelings: kzfaq.info/get/bejne/nZalmKic2K2skmw.html 🍀Video: Using Havening Techniques to rapidly erase a traumatic memory : kzfaq.info/get/bejne/d8qhh8Volsu2c6c.html (Certified Practitioner guides them through a healing session) 🌻Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a psychotherapy technique often used to treat anxiety and PTSD. It incorporates rhythmic eye movements while recalling traumatic experiences. This combo changes how the memory is stored in the brain and allow you to process the trauma fully. 🌻Sound & Vibrational Healing: Sound healing has become all the rage in the health and wellness world. It involves using the power of vibration - from tuning forks, singing bowls, or gongs - to relax the mind and body. 🌻Breathwork is an intentional method of breathing that helps your body relax by bypassing your conscious mind. Trauma can overstimulate the body’s sympathetic nervous system (aka your body’s ‘fight-or-flight’ response). Breathwork settles it down. Informative videos and attachment trauma healing experts: 🌼Dr. Nicole LePera (theholisticpsychologist) - www.tiktok.com/@theholisticpsychologist 🌼Dr Kim Sage, licensed psychologist - www.youtube.com/@DrKimSage/videos 🌼Briana MacWilliam - www.youtube.com/@brianamacwilliam.attachment/videos 🌼Candace van Dell - www.youtube.com/@CandacevanDell 🌼Heidi Priebe - www.youtube.com/@heidipriebe1/videos 🌼 Understanding trapped emotions in the body and footage of how wild animals release trauma. - kzfaq.info/get/bejne/fcCna8mDtbGRaJ8.html Other informative Videos on Trauma: 🌻Small traumas in a "normal" family and attachment: Gabor Maté - The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness, and Healing in a Toxic Culture - kzfaq.info/get/bejne/qtqlZZSHzrTNc2Q.html 🌻Uncovering Triggers and Pattern for Healing: Dr Gabor Maté - kzfaq.info/get/bejne/kJhnhsuirdHXkaM.html 🌻Understanding trapped emotions in the body and footage of how wild animals release trauma - kzfaq.info/get/bejne/fcCna8mDtbGRaJ8.html

I relate to this somewhat. I don't think my mother is narcissistic in the clinical sense, but she is strongly perfectionist and extremely critical, and yet she herself cannot entertain the mildest criticism or suggestion that maybe she didn't do something absolutely perfectly. All of my physical needs were met as a child. But despite her efforts in making sure that all of those things were perfectly organized, my childhood was still a chaotic unhappy mess. I didn't even realize that until well into adulthood because from the outside, everything would have looked great. In my teens and early 20s, I had this deep sense of guilt and shame for struggling as much as I was, because I believed that nothing bad had ever happened to me. In reality, I was profoundly emotionally neglected to the point of being ignored. I had a roof over my head, clean clothes, food on the table, yet in many ways I was completely on my own, especially in dealing with things that were far beyond my developmental abilities. Things that children shouldn't have to be navigating in the first place. I guess the anger I have to my mother is similar to yours in that way. I know we're all just people trying to figure it out, and that there's no such thing as a "perfect parent". I just wish that SHE could admit that. Like literally any expression along the lines of "even though I tried my very best, I recognize that it still wasn't always enough, and that in some ways, I failed you when you needed me. I'm sorry" like holy f*** how healing that would be But no. She did all the correct things so I have no right to be unhappy or struggle

@@JH-yj7kk you said that really well. That’s exactly how I felt. It was always like there was this emotional invisible wall up between my mother and me - but she was the only connection to emotional support I had any access to whatsoever. There was no support from anyone else. And I guess that’s what I feel angry and sad about. Anyway I felt bad about how harshly I described her in my op. You said it very well.

Why do you think that? More abuse in homes during quarantine or kids seeing more fear?

@@kristen6207 Unfortunately more abuse in homes due to signs being missed at school because they are done online, parents under pressure from loosing work, lack of seeing social facial expressions, general anxiety that is now all around us, witnessing protests etc (to a 3 year olds eyes that would look very scary). Thinking that people around them will die if they cough. Sad times ahead I remember reading something about a boy who was about 8 and he was on a pc, it just so happened that when he pressed enter a local earthquake happened...he thought he caused it for years

Societal fear. Constant hammering about the virus everywhere, b Not seeing faces! Even at school. Wine Moms getting worse due to lock down. Social media time increase for millennial parents, being gaslighted and lied to by governments about aspects of virus by authority( parental proxies) and the tattling on others for saying the empowers have no clothes ( scapegoating whistle blowers). Shall I go on? If you’re older, you understand these things due to experience.

Yes, by design.

I also have a parent with symptoms of schizophrenia and another one with emotional regulation problems. I am sorry you had to experience this, as I know from first hand that it can affect you deep into adulthood as well as growing up.

I have a huge crush on someone who is disorganized. She already canceled two of our dates (we have not met yet) but she has opened up to me a lot over text and says she “wants a bf” but is “skiddish”. Any advice for me? Im patient, but I’m also scared she’ll never give me a chance. She seems happy to text me. She’s also very poor at conversation so she says. I reeeaally like her tho

I hadn’t made the connection. omg This would explain why I never responded with a high 5. It always seemed so distasteful, like “why does this person think they can do this to me?!” I don’t know what started it, but I’m old enough that high-5-ing wasn’t a thing, then it was. It was like if the world decided that spitting on someone’s face was the new greeting. I was criticized for being unfriendly. Well I feel a little better now.

How are you Star Fiend? I hope all is well, by the time stamp of this comment your child would be 3 by now? How are things???

Star Fiend forget the past what hapen to you I sujest only a good rligen like yahove withnesses can help you ,u can find them also in internet ,God bless you there in Christianity there is not hele

Dear Star Friend, this very instant you can give your daughter music. The very soft slow gentle music on YT Will do. Clean up your house, bring Christmas atmosphere in your house, encourage her to draw, write or read her sweet stories before going to bed... Invite now and then a friend of her from school to bake pancakes together. You can dress these pancakes with smiling faces. This visit Does not have to take long. Shut down the TV. Play with her, make a walk in the park, talk to her about her dreams. Tell her She is beautiful and good. Hug her, talk in a positive way. See the positive and make the positive as big as you can. It Will become bigger and bigger and the negative Will lose its space and become smaller and smaller... the moment you fight your own demons, put on soft sweet music from YT. Chopin, Mozart, Lovesongs. Last but not least ask for help to G-d, or the Universe, ask for guidance, lift your spirit upwards and never, ever give up Hope. This works. 🐣🎄🦋

It’s not what happens to us that messes us up as much as what we believe about ourselves and others as a result. Pay attention to the inner dialogue you have with yourself. I find whenever I have a negative emotion there is a negative belief about myself attached. So something happens and I feel stupid. The belief is I am stupid. But what is the truth? It feels true but it isn’t true. Then I replace that with a truth statement about myself like, “Reasonably intelligent people still make mistakes and I am a reasonably intelligent person, in fact there are a lot of things I can do very well.” I have to do this for each belief as I discover them and practice until it becomes automatic. Then when I get triggered my brain will follow the new path and I don’t stay stuck in the old broken beliefs. Better beliefs produce better results. You are a kind and caring person who had broken parents but you are aware and are making changes to become even better. Love the hurt child inside of you the same as you love your own child. Give the child inside permission to make mistakes and to grow and develop the same as you will do for your own. You are a survivor who is learning how to live. Let the little survivor inside you know that it can rest now and that you are going to do everything you can to take care of it’s needs. I wish you newfound joy on your journey of healing and restoration.

How’s your daughter? It’s been 9 years.

All emotion emerges from the brain. The closest thing to an independently functioning organ are your intestines.

Thanks, Tsou, for your "thoughts" however, I believe from experience, that emotion is an energy emanating from the solar plexus that inspires the "head."

I don't really want to argue so this will be my last comment. I understand that you believe that, and you might have made a connection with whatever you have experienced, but many people's experience can say otherwise, we only have facts to look at to represent the world accurately because human's tendency to prescribe superstition that is inconsistent with other human beings leaks into our perception of reality. You can chose to believe what you want, but if you want to think critically and be taken seriously with your hypothesis and conclusions about your claim, you need facts. Science should and will reliably flush out superstition and ill-based conclusions with the scientific method. This is why science is our best attempt at understanding the world we live in. Regardless of what we feel about it. Bad ideas do not respond well to pressure and if you get anything out of this reply, it's that you could in your own time, pressure your own ideas. Only by failing to disprove your hypothesis, can you reliably conclude it's correct.

thanks for your thoughts, Tsou

@TheEmpowHer AGREED

That would be categorized as "freeze."

And your source? Pete Walker has a book about this. One of my favorite. Freeze is a short term, instant response. Fawn is long term. More akin to stockholmes..

@@Lioness_of_Gaia Dan Siegel, the Developing Mind, specifically polyvagal stress responses. The reason this is described in terms of fight, flight, or freeze is based on our instantanious response to stress & the decreased capacity of our brains to function outside of these limited pathways. I believe fawning would be a long term habit or strategy for dealing with stress but isn't a characteristic of the polyvagal nerve response that temporarily arrests the full application of brain functioning in an alarming / stressful situation.

@@p.rabbitt4914 that was written in 2012.... I think I get your point, but don't feel that fawning should be left out due to how you specifically framed it. I am much more interested in getting useful information out to help people than in getting stuck on old paradigms and ego.

@@p.rabbitt4914 Now that I look, Pete Walker's book was only one year later..... Still, it bothers me when helpful info is "poo poo'd" in favor of semantics that fit old belief systems that seem more ego driven and self serving or coddling those who disdain cognitive dissonance instead of dishing out simple remedies to those who would rather watch a 10 minute video instead of read a book.

Yes, it definitely can. Although, most professionals would argue that emotional neglect IS abuse. In fact, studies have shown it to be a particularly insidious form of abuse that has a profound physiological and emotional impact on the "victim" later in life when compared to those who experienced physical or sexual abuse. Don't get me wrong, all types of abuse can have a devastating impact upon the recipients. But for years it was assumed that the most detrimental types, were those "obvious" types that left scars and could not be denied. It has been found that the resulting mental healh issues that arise from these types of abuses are more treatable due to their tangible nature (ie she actually has the physical scars to prove her particular brand of torture). Those that experience emotional neglect have no proof beyond their own memories and they are prone to gaslighting themselves as a result. Emotional neglect is often paired with having other physical needs met such as healthcare, education, clean house, nutritious food, birthday presents etc (think a parent with Narcissism or other severe mental health disorder who have a deep desire to paint a positive public personality, but who struggles to maintain these standards within the privacy of the family home). Having a childhood submerged in these constant conflicting narratives, can rewire a child in a most diabolical way. The evidence of which is often not apparent until many years later. As a result, it is becoming more and more apparent that emotional neglect (particularly during childhood years) can result in severe, difficult to treat mental health conditions in adulthood that require a lifetime of treatment.

@@duck7237 Thanks bunches! Sending appreciation your way!

I dont know which one is sadder, that you were abused as a kid or you are 41 and watching tik tok

@@theTutenstien I wasn't abused and I know all different ages on tik tok asshole... you obviously know nothing about tiktok to sit there and talk shit about it

@@Fonzi79 Hahahaha Im just kidding

insecure attachment ( fear of abandonment/rejection)

Funny ,,, I love being alone...,,I have made my life great by myself and don't need my family, they have never abandoned me,, I have abandoned them for the reasons of abuse and telling me I am a loser...when in fact I have been very successful,, I live in the USA and they live in the UK.. I am not so much insecure more sensitive to criticism since I have had to prove myself so much so often alone. What is fear of criticism? is that an attachment style. I have accepted their rejection and don't fear it,,, but the criticism kills me.. the lies/assumptions about things they know nothing about! I fear being misunderstood. not rejected, they have done that already,

most likely a control issue then.

@@eastbaysf sounds like hyper independence

@@eastbaysf i know this is old, but dismissive avoidant IMO

Read “The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog,” by Dr. Bruce Perry. He talks about a study of two different groups of children. The first had secure attachment for the first months of life, but then ran into much more difficult circumstances for years after. The second had insecure attachment for the first months of life, but then experienced significant improvement in their circumstances in the following years. Which group do you think did better later in life? The first group did. Those early months are very influential.

@@adssuk4592 Thank you!

🙄

If you find the answer please let me know

@@Prettyordying I will definitely try

I just watched a video by Dr Daniel Brown. I don't know if you've heard of him. He claims they're developed techniques to heal . I just found out about it today and did an exercise/meditation called idealised parental imagination or something like that, which is supposed to to install a new positive attachment experience. His group also has a website called the Attachment Project.

I would highly recommend two books: "Running On Empty" by Dr. Jonice Webb, a nurturance/neglect book and "Trauma And Recovery" by Dr. Judith Herman, a trauma/recovery book These were eye-opening to me, maybe they will be for you, too.