“One long miscommunication” hits the mark. Exactly how I feel

I spent a year in counselling and put up boundaries with my mom who has lots of these traits, she decided that I'm a narcissist 😂 can't win with them

The borderline mom wants to give her daughter what she didn't get from her narcissistic mom. But it comes out the wrong way. When she teams with her daughter she is actually making things worse. Her projection of her own issues are not in place with the daughters needs. This video shows how important it is for the mother to resolve her childhood issues, so she can have a healthy relationship with her daughters.

That mentalization piece was a golden nugget. The invalidation is so real. The crazy jumping to conclusions that have nothing to with my thoughts or intentions, as an empath I could never understand how she’s so obtuse about how other people might be feeling/thinking based on their behavior.

Man I’m a son but Type 2 hit home, recently my mom’s been trying to guilt trip me saying “I’m afraid that once you go to college you won’t come visit me anymore” to which I responded “I mean there might be a reason you’re feeling like that” to get her to self-reflect but then I just got just straight up shrieked at for an hour

Is this why every time I got close to reaching a goal my mother would kick me out of the house?

wow this is so true. All my life I’ve been sort of parenting my mum it feels like. she would have really depressed days and I would always sit with her and make her feel better but it wasn’t ever enough. as I’ve gotten older it’s worn me down and I know that it’s not the last time it will always be this way. There’s only so much you can take, and I want to live my life. That may sound selfish, but I’ve already gave so much of myself and energy to her.

I’m in a trigger right now so I will listen layer. Thank u for this video. My mom was emotionally physically abuse behind closed doors yet I was expected to act happy outside the house. Everyone thought she was the coolest mom ever. I’d say she’s on the narcissist spectrum

My mother has bpd and I was just diagnosed with it a few days ago. A lot of chaos in our relationship. Especially during my teenage years. It was a blessing to have stumbled upon this video.

Boy I sure did find it helpful - we're door number 3! I'm almost 60 and my mother is 77 and it's the most agonizing, painful, dramatic, exhausting relationship I've ever experienced and of anyone I know. We're in the middle of another drama right now and I'm searching for help.

absolutely accurate, Dr Grande! I was originally Type 2, when I was living with her as a child/teen, and then migrated to type 3- I have absolutely no contact with her anymore for self- protection reasons. I had to go through a year of therapy with a psychologist, who explained I was at risk of having BPD too, but luckily my rebellious personality subconsciously protected me from following my mother's steps. Would love to hear a deeper analysis on this topic, if possible.

The comment about the BPD "indiscriminate anger" and "jealousy" (fear of losing the person) were so on-the-nose that I had to take a step back to process all the moments I've seen these exact patterns with people/patients with BPD! All of them had some form of repetitive expression of indiscriminate anger and jealousy towards their loved ones. I never understood "friend jealousy," or "daughter jealousy" until I interacted more with folks who have BPD. I used to call it "inappropriate and misguided anger," but "indiscriminate anger" is a much more compassionate way of phrasing it. Thank you once again for your many nuanced lessons, Dr. Grande!

I discovered your channel after the suicide of my mother with BPD and I’ve been binge watching videos ever since. I love how your channel is scientifically based. I can trust the information here and it’s all so interesting. My mom and I were definitely a number 1. And more of a 3, but she chose the emotional distance. She always depended on men for all her needs. I was more of a friend or a stern parent. Unless she wanted me to know how upset she was about something.

Excellent video - you're really helping people with this work

I'm an adult daughter of a BPD mother. I fit the 3rd type of relationship. I'm in counseling and have learned to create healthy boundaries with my BPD mother. It is difficult and I have to make sure I have enough energy every time I know that I will be interacting with my mother.

I have BpD and am aware of my flaws And understand why I am this way, I am actually relieved to know my diagnosis, so I can understand why I think and act and feel as I do :)

Great video - you nailed it! I'm the abandoner after years of paying my dues and recognizing the patterns. I feel zero guilt and am much more sane without the jekyll & hyde routine.

Sending this to my mom... she grew up with a borderline mother. It was very traumatic for her and she still hasn’t come to terms with it even though my grandma has now passed. Makes me sad because their relationship has made it hard for my mom and I to have a healthy relationship.

This one really hit home Dr. Grande. While listening, I felt as if I had been through all these types of relationships with my mother, a bit of each to be exact. While it helps to clarify a lot for me, the realization of these unhealthy relationship patterns we had are painful to think about, since my mother passed on years ago. The only way to move on I have decided, is to understand the behaviour and then forgive and move on. And not to repeat these harmful patterns with my kids, as much as possible. Thank you for sharing your knowledge and help, so appreciated!

When my BPD mother passed away, both of my sister’s BPD traits intensified. I have to endure occasional contact with them in order to interact with my elderly father. They continue to project their past unacknowledged and unresolved anger toward my BPD mother in their dealings with me during communications regarding my elderly father which compromises his care. Dealing w/ three BPD family members has been extremely painful and lonely. My brother has narcissistic traits with some empathy, but chooses to cut off completely . The hardest thing is dealing with the sadness of missing out on what I’ve always craved - loving relationships with family. I’m learning to foster deeper relationships with friends and to love, accept and validate myself more. Thankfully I have loving relationships with my two adult children. Videos like this help to further clarify and validate. Healing is a lifelong endeavor. My heart breaks for all those who have suffered abuse of a BPD mother. Also, I am impressed with BPD mothers here who have stated they want to do better. I think my mother may have wanted to do better. She suffered trauma and abandonment from her family. We must continue to seek healing. Good therapy helps!

My mom has this.. as she’s aged it’s getting much worse.. she was mean to me, but she didn’t know any better. Her parents were bad too. The first part about the BF and devaluation matches perfectly to how her relationship with my step dad went

Mother’s Day is a difficult day for me. I’m glad I found this video. It’s still hard, but it helps to know so many people know what I’m going through. It’s not much, but it’s something.

Sir, you have just described my whole 43 year relationship with my mother. At this point, your "Independent" daughter scenario is me and every point you made is my life. I am now in counseling and have been suggested many books on being a child of a BPD parent and dealing with a BPD person. Your video absolutely validated everything I have been going through and my jaw is on the floor because in all honesty, all these years, I thought it was I who needed to change. I would say that the positive side of this is the I have learned ALOT about myself and what I can change to be a more positive person because I have faults to. Thanks for the video.

The one where you're speaking about the independent daughter and the relationship with the daughter in the mother of feeling like a constant miscommunication describes my life perfectly.

Very thankful and tearful for this information. Have been through this all my life and exhausted. It was better to be brought up in foster care than this.

Very interesting video, Dr. Grande. I think that there are a lot of overlapping traces between the narcissist mother and the borderline one. Every time I watch your videos so many memories pop up in my mind and the proverbial light bulb, too. I have so many "Ahaaa" moments due to your clear explanations and I can finally understand so many things. Thank you for your work, it is much appreciated!

Type 1 when i was a child and type 3 today are EXACT descriptions of my relationship with my mother, oh my god. It's crazy that these are such common experiences they can be summed up like this. Great video as always Dr. Todd, thank you for making it.

Absolutely spot on Dr. Grande! I have BPD and I would say that my relationship with my daughter is between type 2 and type 3. My daughter is 19 now. There are borderline traits, but she has not gotten the proper diagnosis yet. I would say in my opinion that yes she does have the quiet type of bpd. We have a love-hate relationship that has been distant. And I haven't understood it until I just watched this video. I cried during the whole thing because you made more sense in my mind than anyone else throughout the years of trying to explain this all to me. I had a mother who also had characteristics of being BPD. I would say she was definitely quiet if she did have it. She said she had it, however my sister didn't believe that that was the case. There's a lot of BPD in my family, and PTSD. It is very hard living with this disorder especially now that I have a daughter who has a lot of the same traits as me. Thank you for explaining this in depth. I love watching your videos.

This is my mother. Has always been dysfunctional with her, I’ve always protected myself since I was a kid, now I put up a boundary where I don’t see her anymore.

My biggest fear as a borderline mother is to mess up my children's mental health 😣

It's like you described my relationship growing up into adulthood. The different types would be in the order of dependent (shared custody between my birth parents), unto semi independent while amplifying eachother symptoms(living with her and working). Now I am distant and living on my own. Trying to build my own life and start to heal. I have kept minimal contact with her and when I am ready I believe we may meet again. I just need to make sure I have the tools I need to not be reactionary and learn to overcome those triggers. I want to give us clarity on the relationship and how it can grow. I appreciate this video very much because she was my main parent I had lived with. Our relationship was close but toxic. My father was just all around toxic, and distant. I look foward to more of your videos on parent relationships!

If they seek counseling, such conflicts are opportunities for healing. Quite helpful, Dr. Grande!

She kept me so isolated I was dependent on her until I was married.

My dad was a narcissist and my mom has bpd I’ve been bouncing back from Texas to North Carolina trying to get through life I’m 20 years old. Still pushing every day

👍🏻 Dr. Grande. I found this one particularly interesting. You gave good details that made this more understandable. 😊 💗

strength to all of us survivors of moms with bpd this mothers day ✊️

I see elements of the 3rd type in my relationship with my mother. I do know I have to stay at a distance from her to protect myself, but I still communicate with and visit her. It's been a revelation that my problems with depression and anxiety are linked to the reality of my childhood development. But it also scares me to death that I'm at increased risk of developing this disorder. And I do undeniably have some of the traits I learned from her. I'm still struggling to figure out who I am, I find it very hard to trust people so my relationships can be shaky, and I have dropped out or almost dropped out of school and university in the past (then had a second chance and did well academically). My mother can't hold down a job and sometimes I catch some of the same "f*** it" mentality in myself, although I do have a job. I can say one thing that a lot of adult children of BPD parents seemingly can't. I love my mother. In spite of what her condition has done to me. There's nothing I want more than for her to get better. But I also know that nothing I do will make that happen. The only one who can go on that journey is her

I'm a BpD mom with a very independent daughter. The third type speaks truths on so many levels. My daughter now lives 3 hours away from me.

Dr. Grande, you have just helped me make sense of my entire life in about ten minutes. The last portion, where you describe what can happen when a BPD mother and daughter work in tandem, describes PERFECTLY the reason why my dad likely left my mom. No mental health professional I have ever worked with has been able to do this. I intend to show this to the person who I'm now working with to help me put up boundaries with my BPD mom. My profound thanks.

Very interesting. I love how you’ve put this confusing dynamic into perspective. Thank you, Dr. Grande!

this is really spot on. could you make a video about setting boundaries with borderline mothers without triggering theirs or your own anger? I hear so much about needing to set boundaries but I find that some BPD individuals don’t respond well to hearing things like “I don’t want you to_____ from now on.”

"The daughter feels she's already paid her dues." Yep 😂😂😂 My mom was only diagnosed like 4 years ago (I'm 29 now). This was very interesting and a bit validating in a way.

I love your videos and as a science-minded information gatherer, I respect you above all other clinicians on KZfaq. This video struck a chord. I have BPD and a small daughter, and hearing this information had me hyperaware of what our relationship might look like in the future if I’m not more cognizant of how we interact now. I am the scapegoat of a narcissist and I know how brutally painful it is to receive the brunt of a parent’s wrath and instability and it breaks my heart to think I could be to my daughter what my mom is to me. Unfortunately, my 5 year old has either inherited or already adapted so much of my dysregulation and mood lability and it’s such a struggle, though I do my best, have been in therapy for over a year, and am getting so much better with emotion regulation, etc. Still meet 9/9 criteria, so it’s far from remitting, but progress is progress. I don’t want these volatile relationship styles with my daughter, I love her desperately, and it hurts to know it’s a very real possibility that our explosive personalities might result in such an unhealthy relationship down the road. I guess my question is- do you ever see healthy relationships with BPD mothers and daughters? Particularly when the mother is trying her best but often failing despite the effort? What is your advice? She’s only 5, so would family therapy be jumping the gun at this point? I want to get her into her own therapy too to handle her huge feelings, but I’m in therapy with my primary clinician as well as an ED specialist, both out of pocket, and taking care of brains isn’t cheap. Just looking for insight because I don’t want to be the abusive monster my mom is to me.

Thank you for making this video. It really helped me understand the problems I experienced my whole life with my mother, who has BPD, and my brother who is completely enmeshed with her. They both teamed up against me and made my life hell for a long time. I finally had to walk away from them both for my own well-being. This is the best video I’ve found about this very specific topic and relationship dynamic.

Thanks for this video. I have BPD, and have a 5 year old daughter. I’m trying my hardest to not have her be my emotional support. I know that I’m the parent and should be there for her. I didn’t realize that my abandonment fears probably will become a problem when she is older ☹️

My mom went through the last situation. She would actually call my grandma to team up on me on who was right when we were fighting and they always agreed with each other. I personally resonate with most of these scenarios, the good/bad times, then the realisation of the unending cycles and now the realisation that my mom doesn’t understands me and indeed misses the mark. The unfortunate thing is that my mom doesn’t want to accept she has BPD. It caused me to have cptsd. We only had one bedroom and I barely any space for myself until I was 18 but due to the unending cycles I also had a very unstable living situation with moving from place to place all the time. At the moment I’m trying to cut contact, but I don’t know how long it will last. It’s exhausting. Now I’m 20 years old but I can’t afford to live on my own yet due to my studies. I can’t wait ‘til I have my own place!

This was my mother. Thank God I got away from her at 17.

I thought you were going to talk about the four types of Borderline Mothers, 1.The Witch 2. The Queen 3. The Waif 4. The Hermit and how the Witch Mothers can sometimes create Daughters who become The Waif Borderline Mother and the Waif Borderline Mother can sometimes create Daughters who become The Hermit Borderline Mother. I was blown away when I learned all of this. This described my Mother, my daughter and myself 100%! Vital information such as this can help break the cycle!

I know this video was posted a year ago but I’m a daughter of a borderline mother and this video is very accurate and helpful! Thank you for making this content.

Dr Grande, thank you for this informative video. I’m the the daughter of a borderline-Narc mother that punished me and my sister for “ growing up, going away to college, having boyfriends, marrying, or any form of independence etc. cruelly. “ it was a living hell growing up and still is if spent more than 5 mins around her. She was and still is the most controlling, thoughtless, mean, grandiose thing I have ever encountered. My personality is not as hers. Taking after my Dads side, I was extroverted, growing up fun loving, got excited about things in life to which she tried her dam nest to squelch every part of my real self. I have nothing to do with her now. She is a liar, and has caused such damage and division between my sister and I so much. Can you talk abt siblings being poisoned by the bpd mother, the insane fluctuations of pitting one against the other and educate us on why this is carried out. I believe my mother has brainwashed my sister about me, perhaps because I got the hell out of dodge along time ago, and live clear across the country to keep my sanity. Oh, the abandonment thing is such a big thing I understand now with borderlines. She got the exact opposite of what she always tried to force upon me, being glued to her.... and dependent on her.

The second type you said was exactly what I’m going through currently with getting my own place and moving out. My mom couldn’t deal with it and lost her mind in extreme anger and jealousy of my significant other for “taking me away”

# 3 all the way and it's so exhausting mentally and emotionally. Thanks for these videos.

Great video again Dr. Grande 👍 Thank you very much 😃

Thank you Dr. Grande for putting this out! It was very insightful, especially from the adult daughter of a BPD mother. The examples you cite generally have to do with a boyfriend of the daughter or mother - so a man outside of the family. However, I'm interested to hear your and others' thoughts about dynamics within the family. There are two scenarios that I've seen within my own family: idealization and devaluation basically by proxy, or by scapegoat; and then the same cycle by "ganging up". To me, it brings up the underlying mother/daughter relationship - which is distinct in either case. I see it being the black sheep or the golden child. The black sheep daughter will never feel that her feelings and needs are understood (and I identify with this- and others have commented on this because it's very noticeable!). And then there is the golden child, who to me, is basically an "appliance" or "supply" for validation to the mother. Rarely is there only one daughter or one child in a family. Different children take on different roles. It's my theory that the black sheep/scapegoat go on to develop people pleaser syndrome and/or CPTSD because they could never do anything right, and thus are always impossibly trying to satisfy other people. And the golden child, who could never do anything wrong, becomes the clone of the mother and develops BPD traits or full-blown BPD.

Honestly this channel validates my experience so much. Thank you 💕

I really enjoyed this video. The last half made me cry. It helped me understand & learn more.. I always knew my mom was ill, she had a pill addiction. But didnt know she had BPD til recently. I also have all 9 of the criteria (among other disorders) and my sister is bipolar. She & my mom 100% have the 3rd type. My mom and i have the 4th. She lives in a different state and loves & tries to talk to my mom, but has given up and said she has done enough to help. Everyone says my mom & i are the same person. She often joins in on my devaluation and obsession stages.. It breaks my heart to know that all this time she has hurt like i have. This really helped put things into presective for me, thank you. I would love to see a video on borderline mothers & how to have the healthiest relationship that is possible with them.. Or how to do some sort of intervention for them.

Very insightful. I love how you give different scenarios. I’m searching your channel for a codependent mother one now! I’d be really interested in that and empathic (or highly sensitive) mothers and their effect on children.

Damn, we did this to each other. Explains why our relationship was often so tumultuous.

It was SCARY how accurately you depicted my and my sister's relationship with our mother. To a T. Thank you for this video, I found it when I needed it the most.

A mother , single or divorced can treat the daughter as a substitute spouse , very damaging to the daughter who might feel obliged to be there for the mother and put her own life on hold. This is a form of abuse.

Thank you. Once you get the romantic relationship issues figured out and yourself , then the eyes open to the parents family siblings friends ... now when you think your healed a whole other set of downer stresses come in Crazy world I’m so thankful for internet .and this Chanel it’s the best 🙏🏼💕

As someone who knows nothing about the subjects you cover I find all your videos fascinating, educational & presented in an entertaining (is that the right descriptive?) manner.

I'm so afraid of myself. I have BPD and a daughter. I don't live with her to stop the cycles. She is safe with her dad and new mom. I just don't know how to interact because I do see all of these traits he speaks of come out in my behavior. Mis reflecting is the biggest one

I'm so glad I found this video. My mom and my sister were both diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder but I really believe they have BPD. The symptoms for them are all there. I can relate to the Type 3. I will not tolerate my mothers behaviors as she continuously crosses my boundaries. It sucks but it is what I feel is best. I was diagnosed with anxiety and mild depression but I do often wonder if I have BPD. I have a hard time with being rejected and I know that stems from my Mom's emotional rejection of me. I also have a pretty bad temper but can regulate, it just feels like I really have to try hard to re-regulate. Again that stems from seeing my Mom and sister become enraged over the slightest things and I do act like that sometimes. I tend to just get annoyed quickly.

Same here. She was narcissistic, incredibly competitive and obsessed. She tried to kill me many times and her complete loathing for me was horrific. Mistress Bex 💋

My mother has severe untreated BPD and as a result of my childhood dealing with that I have CPTSD, it’s interesting to see the overlaps between the two disorders

My bpd mother died recently. I took care of her her last 8 years on this planet (explaining why i did this is too long a story) along with one other sister. I have a lot of grief for her and understanding of her but I am mostly relieved. I am seriously so glad. If your mom or anyone has this and she is not in dialectical behavioural therapy and working her ass off to get better, my advice is to run and never look back.

Oh dear this is my story . Thankyou Dr Grande .

You explain everything excellent. Thank you for the time and effort you put into these helpful and informative videos. I appreciate it.

I lived through all of this with my BPD mother and I live in constant fear that I might end up like that. My mom seemed the opposite of the fear of abandonment though. She brought me an itemized statement of how much I cost to live in her house when I was 18 and started charging me rent. When I started going to college, she told me to "get my head out of the clouds," and quit. When I started dating, she kicked me out. My Dad says it's because she is very threatened by any success on my part. I just got to a point where I wanted nothing to do with her, because her constant need for reassurance all the flipping time is EXHAUSTING! Now we're back in a relationship together but it's like constantly walking on eggshells all the flipping time. We definitely go through cycles of love/hate.

I was told by my therapist ~2 yrs ago that i quite possibly had bpd, & that it stemmed f/my mother + my dad being verbally abusive. My mother doesn’t agree with/believe in counseling, so her improving her life, attitude, & toxic ways are likely to never change. She most likely has bpd. I no longer interact w/my dad- i chose that, Thk goodness. BUT knowing why my mom & i had downright petty & yet huge arguments, why she made me feel guilty, etc, has really helped me. Now i work w/a women whom I consider to be a friend, but i’m pretty sure she’s a lot like my mom. (Fortunately, i live 1600 mi f/my mom now. We’re better apart & get along way better.) Anyway, I find interacting w/this coworker/friend to be difficult at times, to say the least. Random tangents, I cannot get a word in, throwing petty tantrums... though she cannot see it- it wears me out just being around her.🙄 Now i get why i was so mentally drained being around my mom for yrs. I don’t even know how to deal w/the coworker. One day, she won’t talk; the next or 1 hr later, she rambles on & on. I watch my behavior & reactions so much now, but i know to usually not go w/my first reaction, bcuz it’s usually an over-reaction! Appreciate the info, Dr. G.

Parents still married. I’m 46. My father the ultimate enabler being beat & abused as well

(Start loving the different time zones, Dr. Grande! Your last two videos I got in my evenings, wonderful! ) But this is really sad to hear, very tragic. I feel deep gratitude for having had my quite bizarre mum - instead of having a borderline type of mother. This seems worse to me. I feel sorry for people that have to do through this.

PS 9:48 is so true. I’m a #3 with my mom. I wished throughout my lifetime that I could have been loved unconditionally for being a daughter and not having to “do” daughterhood in order to be loved and accepted. For the first 20 years of my life my mother used to actually say to me “I’m entitled! I’m your mother!!” quite angrily I might add. And then again she could be rather meek and whining and say “do it for me.” My mother is elderly now but emotionally she is a five-year-old. My dad wasn’t much better emotionally. He was aggressive angry and sometimes violent. My mom offered no protection to me from him. From my experience the emotional scars and damage are far greater than any physical abuse I suffered by him or my older brother, the predator.

Thank you for your knowledge sir. Ever so refreshing watching your vids

Thank you so much for this video, Dr. Grande. I had a mother with BPD and now suffer from it myself. Our relationship had elements of both Type 1 and 2, but ultimately ended up in a Type 3 relationship. She died by suicide 15 years ago (I was 18). Thankfully, unlike my mother, I’ve received treatment and am doing much better nowadays. I will say that my diagnosis really helped me to understand everything my mother was going through in her life. I wish I could talk to her about it sometimes and to let her know that I forgive her. Living with this pain myself, I don’t blame her anymore for all she did. But where she insisted no one could help her, I’ve done everything I can to treat my symptoms in hopes that I’ll never hurt someone else (particularly my children) the way she hurt me and others. I hope your video will inspire others like me to seek the help they need or at least affirm the work they’ve already done.

I only learned that my mother had BPD when I moved in with my sister because she passed away. I'm happy that I got away from a toxic situation, along with the other factors, but it was only because my mother died, so it's been a struggle for me to understand that there could not have been another way for me to get better.

can't wait to listen to this. a close friend has BPD (also an alcoholic) - and an 18yo dependant (yet independant) daughter who has her own issues, who has been managing her relationship with her mum as it's deteriorated over the years from very close to exasperated and having lost all respect. they have an intense complicated relationship. both have made suicide attempts in the past. mother has periods of sobriety but daughter always wary and watching for the mum's drinking. daughter is a drug user and getting into some dangerous situations. there are two older daughters who live independently, who have distanced themselves and have an arms length grain of salt approach. they are strict with contact, as they have young children.

Adult children never really let go of all the trauma. Moms emotional outbursts, extreme emotions, suicidal behaviors and attempts, anger when you try to be your own person and live your own life. Don’t be afraid to work through it in therapy, face it and work through it.

Oh wow! It is weird but I think I have *sometimes* been the dependent daughter but have spent most of my adult life being the independent "I have paid my dues" daughter. That really took place when I have children of my own and I wanted them to have a good life. I feel like most of my life I was my mother's mother and would have to talk her out of a hate cycle. I personally have not been diagnosed with BPD, but I was raised with a mother who has diagnosed BPD. I feel like I have picked up a lot of her traits and have had to work hard to unlearn them. The only way to do it was to get far away from her. Is that possible? Can you learn traits? My biggest fear is that I have BPD and I don't know it.... I have been tested.... I don't have most of the traits, but again, I have when I was younger and influenced by my mother. As a grown woman separate from her I have no traits.

I have BPD and I’m also a recovering addict. This is why I know I could never be a parent. I would never want to put a child into my chaotic life. That and I have an irrational fear of pregnancy.

my mother has BpD and I have Anxious Avoidant Personality Disorder (amongstr other mental health issues): It took me years to move out into my own appartment partly because she made it clear that she would kill herself if I did so. I was terrified... But this was years ago and she did not commit suicide, but still the relationship is very complicated and extremely straining. Thanks for your videos,they really help me understand her and the past situations better.

me and my sister both have bpd since my dad left us, but we are pretty certain my mum has bpd too, or something similar. im dependent, and my sister has moved out, independent, partly to get away while also going to uni. as always your video is so helpful and makes me feel like im not just being dramatic and realise that there may actually be a problem. thank you

Hi Dr. Grande. First I want to thank you for your videos, I find them very helpful and informative. I appreciate that you maintain professionalism and speak from a non judgemental stand point. That being said, I am a 42 year old female- diagnosed in '09 with BPD, an LPN and a mother of 2 very beautiful girls, now both teenagers. I struggle everyday, still!, to understand myself and this horrible disorder I live with. Unfortunately, I was institutionalized in 2013 and my husband and daughters had enough. I was divorced and lost my rights as a mother. I haven't seen my children since, which is by their choice, and though it causes me enormous pain, I am respecting this. My question is, am I doing them any justice to do so? Or am I caught in a catch 22 here? I wanted nothing more in my life to have kids, I wanted to be everything a loving mother should be, as I felt robbed of this as a child. I feel like I caused a lot of damage with my girls, splitting with them, my older daughter was all bad and my younger was just perfect. I never realized I was doing this, until it was too late. And in my absence now, I fear they must think I've abandoned them, that I don't love them. I just want them to have a fair shot in life, a better life than myself. I DO LOVE MY KIDS! I miss them every second of every day. Do I try to reenter their lives? Or do I stay away? Sorry this is so long. I appreciate any feed back, and thank you once again! ~Bonnie Ray

My mother has BPD... and while I know she had an awful childhood herself, she willingly forced me to live with her first husband even after I told her when I was 13 that he touched me. she chose to say that I was just jealous he was back in her life. For over a decade I kept telling her, myself dealing with rage issues because her now ex thought it was funny to tease me until I damaged his car and other violent stuff I did to keep him away from me. Even after that shit left her, and supposedly found jesus and called all of us (my siblings and me) to ask for forgiveness because jesus told he he should (I told him I'd forgive him when he cut off his thing and shoved it up his own rear end). She still dared call him to come take her shopping when she came to visit... when she knew very well he's banned from my place. She tried to get pity from my siblings claiming she didn't know, they all called her on her lies. I went full no contact with her since then (2 years now). Now, some may say that she couldn't control herself, but she loved showing off to other people her supposed moral superiority and even claimed she helped one of her neighbors kick her husband out of her home to save their children because he was abusive, so she knows very well right from wrong, but what she wants first is always more important than actually protecting her family. She had to go to therapy after she tried to kill herself (but not really, she did it to make her ex come back after a fight), but stopped going because, in her words " that doctor doesn't know what he's doing and I can fool him easily" translation: I didn't like what he was telling me. She chose not to get help and actually have a healthier relationship with us because that'd mean facing all her lies and behavior.

Please talk about bpd mother and her son. Thank you

This confirms for me that my slow transition to removing her from my life completely is the best thing i can do for myself. I'm so glad i found this video. I look forward everyday to the life i will have when i cut her out for good. I am so close.

Thank you, very insightful, I gave you thumbs up. I listen/view on my iPad, and I SOMETIMES catch myself from touching the 'thumbs down.' Never intentionally hit that one... Thank you.

My mom has BPD and I found out about 6 years ago when she was finally clinically diagnosed. She tried to take her life and she spent time twice in mental hospital. For me it is the type where I have my own life and I have distanced myself from my mom because she was just manipulating me. She would only feel sick when I was there and was about to leave. I gave so much of myself to help her but she refuses to be helped because she doesn’t realize that she needs help. My mom doesn’t like my boyfriend. I always encouraged her to be in a relationship and was very tolerable towards her boyfriends and she would always find something was wrong with him and started to bash them and ended up breaking up the relationship. I missed so many opportunities in life because of her and after too many years I realized I needed to distance myself from her.

Thank you for this video.I felt seen. When I was younger I was definitely in the type 2 relationship, while now I am in the type 3. My mom tries everything to drag me into her problems, playing on my guilt. I am working with a therapist on it and I am committed to have a relationship with her, however I am not willing to sacrifice my life for hers anymore. Since I have started this journey my mom has decided to see a therapist as well...I hope she can get better.

Great video Dr. Grande! A very informative video explaining real circumstances. Thank you for sharing your knowledge. Especially regarding mentalization. I'm going to look further into mentalization-based therapy now : )

my mother and I have experienced all four of these types of relationships. luckily I am now distanced from her, but I recently got diagnosed with BPD myself. our relationship was both chaotic and beautiful at the same time, but there were no boundaries.

A BPD mother/son video would be great imo. Also a mentalisation video. Again, lots of ideas for further exploration.

I'm my bpd mothers trans son, but this videl really opened my eyes. Thank you a for this, really. My mother is slowly mentally killing me and I can't anymore. She is jelous of my body, jelous of my upbringing, jelous of every achievment I have and she keeps tearing me down while claiming she supports me. I can't wait to turn 18 and leave.

4 year relationship with a boarder line daughter, when I decided to finally walk away, I slept for 1 week, I was fkn drained. Going on 7 months now , no contact!!! I was and am able to finally clear my head and see exactly what the hell just happened. It is soooo creepy!! As to how the daughter and the mother are. The love / hate cycle and teaming up on the boyfriend ( me) I can't even imagine what the hell goes on in there heads!!

My mother and sister has bpd, it has made me an extremely cowardly and insecure person, because of all the constant criticisms of how they thought that I was always was worthless, ignorant and stupid, at least always to them. So now they criticize me for being that what they have turned me into. It’s really ironic.

Thank you for the clear explaination. I guess I got lucky that although my mother has BPD, my dad does not, so I always got understanding and validation from him and was able to avoid becoming BPD myself.

Thank you so much for this incredibly helpful video. I have been in therapy for years and am just beginning to really SEE my relationships from early childhood on. This is so accurate. Truly comforts me to my very core. To be validated after a lifetime of invalidation. To have things make sense after a lifetime of confusion..thank you for this channel Dr Grande

Interesting - I used to call myself a "drama junkie" that I also liked the attention I got from her psychosis. I didn't stop to think I absorbed her personality. I know that I hate to be with here BPD aside. I am very sensitive and absorb people's emotions easily. When I'm with her I feel different and BECOME different if I'm with her too long. Thanks! I found a new way to consider what is going on with our relationship :)

Another thing i might add from the daughter's role is being afraid of compliments. If someone says to me "wow you are amazing at this" or "you're a genius" i immediately get scared because to me that's a warning of a huge humiliation and looking down that's going to come soon. I avoid doing what I was praised for in front of that person or i avoid the person altogether because one mistake and i feel like they will be just as disappointed as they were amazed. Idk how to explain, but for example I was taking driving classes and made a huge mistake and my instructor said "well looks like you got tired, let's take a break. You haven't had breakfast either have you?" and i was so surprised by that because in my head i thought "i failed. They found out i can't do this, how embarrassing". This is also the reason why i self studied at home lectures that were yet to be held, i was terrified of my proffessors asking me something and me not knowing the answer. I felt like they would give up on me if that happened... well my parents are also narcissistic so i guess that's a factor to add as well