"Expectations are resentment in the making. Especially when they are not articulated."

"Expectations are resentment in the making" This is so valuable to hear/internalise!

I am not jealous by nature, but 40 years ago I had the strange experience of sitting on one side of a room smoking a cigarette while my husband and an old girlfriend of his sat on the other to avoid the smoke. I said to myself that was never going to happen again and quit smoking on the spot! LOL!

I think it's important to "desire" your partner. Their touch, smell, energy, friendship, opinion, etc. Without desire it dies.

"My partner doesn't belong to me. They are on loan to me with an option to renew "...my biggest takeaway from this...so true, and very important to remember! Thank you, Esther! 💜

This woman is just a pure genius !!! I can’t believe she is fluent in 9 languages 😮❤️❤️

I dated someone for a few months and they said they didn’t want kids as we started . Slowly I thought they would change their mind but one time I had a pregnancy scare and I saw how he acted about it . He clearly stated that if I was pregnant he didn’t want anything to do with it . The next day I broke up with him . We are not on the same stage in life and I realized I can’t change him . Now I’m only dating if we are on the same stage in life and only if our core values align .

I needed to hear this. I married my husband for his personality, character and values. But I try to change this one thing and I thought whether I will be happy if that doesn’t change and after Esther’s words I understood that there are sides of my husband that are much more important to me that this one thing I’d like him to change. Now I think that if it changes - great, if not - he is still the greatest man for me and I don’t want to give him up.

That he chose to be vulnerable in a public conversation is attractive to us as the audience! This channel has some of the best conversations with Esther! So many good tips at a well paced discussion!

I love this woman. Everything she says comes from this place of thoughtfulness that cuts through the superficial.

every word this woman says, has its own weight ! I was watching this video and noticed I was nodding yes !!!!! the whole time. what an honor it is to have access to Esther's wisdom.

We are dangerous when we are not conscious of our responsibility for how we behave, think, and feel. Marshall B. Rosenberg.

Jealousy can be a healthy emotion. You are aware of a threat to lose what you love. Like fear, it is vital to feel it. Often, when one partner was jealous in a relationship, there was indeed a good reason for it.

Facts only. She is so clear headed with her communication. I’m married happily for 32 years and this is all 100% facts. Love to listen to this genius.

Don’t complain about your spouse to anyone else. If you have a problem with your spouse, talk to your spouse. Listen to your spouse. Think about what your spouse says. You only have one spouse. There isn’t anything better out there.

MORE MORE MORE. The relationship between Lewis and Esther gives us so MUCH BEAUTIFUL conversation 😍 ❤️

So many A-ha moments with every interview with Esther Perel. She’s simply the best ❤

This woman is a genius in an incredible way

She is so full of practical knowledge and has the chops to communicate masterfully. Wow!

I’m jealous that some men are self aware enough to talk about their emotions. If couples could talk like this to one another, there would be no divorce or break ups and families would be stronger bc both people are whole within themselves and can articulate maturely.

It's one thing to agree with these wise words "intellectually" and yet another to learn to actually live by them after how we were raised ... that is an even much deeper commitment to growth and to yourself and learning to genuinely let go!!!

Secret deal in marriage. Profound sentence. Only if people were aware of their secret deal and were able to express it without being judged, world of marriage could have been much better. Thanks, as always, 🙏

Sometimes you get into a relationship especially if you’re young and haven’t got it all figured out yet what you want in a woman/man. Then later down the road you realize oh gosh I need this or I need that out of this relationship. But it’s too late. You didn’t go into the relationship with those expectations but they formed after years of self discovery and maturity.

If there's any speaker i will always vouch for, it's Esther Perel. What a woman! Thank you for the work you do!

I think it also helps to articulate to your partner if you feel you are a jealous person. I know I have been.. it started when my parents divorced and I saw my mother with another man. I was 6 when I first noticed my jealousy. I remember feeling and telling myself that, that man doesn't belong to my momma, she belongs to my daddy!

It’s extremely difficult to live up to someone’s expectations when they tend to change over time! It may not be that we expected to change them, they just changed on their own and moved away from us. Reality.

I personally don't like when someone is jealous!!! It's a negative emotion... I trust myself and when someone doesn't trust me that is an insecurity that is difficult to deal with.

Poem of a man seperated from his wife and children: “When you told me you wanted out, I cried and raged like a child; My fear and anger was like that of a hunted lion in the wild. My life ended that day just as it began when we first met; My response was ‘please babe not without counselling, not yet.’ I knew you had been unhappy and it made me frantic to help you smile; for this quest in my mind I marched mile after mile. Now you are gone and I am expected to “move forward”. How can I when I still hear you, feel you and smell you in my dreams and as I wake? You are in my dna as you have been since I first said “I love you”. I still love you. I always will.”

Thank you so much for highlighting 'admiration'. When I see my partner in her own element, not needing input from me, that's the time when true feelings surface. . .

The problem is people don't actually sit down and reflect and be honest with each other. If I love someone and want them to be with me and they say will you go to church with me i'm probably going to say sure. That is what makes things so difficult.

She is fantastic. I just love her. She genuinely cares. She is my guru.

“expectations are resentment in the make” 😮

13:30 desire-love; in her element(living her dream; doing her thing, alive, passionate;self-sufficient; competent; not need you at that moment;desire not loving；admiration>respect); (joyful; vibrant) surprise; through the eyes of others(does not belong to you; with an option to renew); Apart (absence, longing)

Mean what you say and say what you mean. Simple, yet one of the worst issues in relationships. This will be your foundation you build together.

Thank you greatly for touching on the topic of jealousy. I been married for over 6 years and been struggling with this piece. I love the response, I am working on myself. I love my wife and my family, I need to work on rebuilding my self confidence enough to trust and believe "all will be fine." I love these stories.

It took me just short of 30 years to realize that my partner was holding out false hope. We have been together 28 years. He moved in with me 10 years ago while agreeing we would purchase a house together. He still owns his poorly maintained home but seldom went there. I became resentful that he was not ready to make that commitment when he kept stating it was his desire to do this thing. I asked him to move back to his home 4 months ago. He still asks me to give him time to be ready for deciding if he wants to do that. I no longer believe him, and have at last let it go. So you see 30 years to overcome a relationship pattern is not so unusual. And any change, no matter how long it takes is brave & to be celebrated.

Esther is like a well of wisdom.

As I understand it, anyone experiencing jealousy, envy, hatred, passive aggressiveness, or any other negative behavior, it indicates that we are stuck state of arrested development. To the degree in which we rise above it is the degree in which our negatives feelings lose their power hence become relics of the past. This is how we cultivate maturity. The word jealousy is that which describes a specific kind of behavior that needs to be acknowledged in oneself and then understood for what it is so that we can find ways to outgrow it. Jealousy itself is not the problem. The problem is that we give no heed to it despite the harm it creates in ourselves and others.

I love the explanatory of Esther Perel, she is my Guru...................😄😄😄😄😄

Wow this was excellent!,, Lewis is the best interviewer because he’s so real, sincere, and vulnerable!, don’t change ur approach. I get so much listening and learning from your. Guests and from you! Thank you both. Taking many notes on this video..

Trust that change is not gonna happen. One of the most common things I've noticed in people is that too many will lie - they'll tell you what you want to hear just to keep you around to meet their needs (sex, attention, companionship, emotional support...). Married men or women apparently often lie when they say they will be leaving their partners, but young people in particular buy into that lie too easily (yet another reason why people should not get involved with married folks!). People lie quite a lot, apparently, just to exploit you for your energy (sexual, emotional, physical if you're keeping their house clean and cooking...).

When are you most drawn to your partner? When I see my partner in their element radiant passionate alive self sufficient. When they don't need me I can desire them.

Such a brilliant conversation! Great interviewer and a truly expert on the topic 💜

I heard a comment about jealousy years ago: "Jealousy is a form of love; but among the lowest forms of love".

At the beginning of the video Esther was talking about realizing your own desires and expectations and making sure that the partner can offer them, and if they don’t have those qualities to not expect them to develop them later. But what if your partner made it look like they posses those qualities and eager to offer them because they were in that honeymoon stage and after a long term they just went back being their natural self and now you feel confused. My partner at the beginning of the relationship was very cuddly and showed a lot of physical affection, although I always knew I am more affectionate, but after three years he became more “himself” and not as much interested in random cuddles, touching and kisses.

Jealousy is definitely a young persons game. I think the more mature you become the less it bothers you.

When it is an important part of yourself but the other person loses all desire when you are older, you are stuck. Too old to throw everything in your life away so you live in sadness and resentment.

She deserves a Nobel peace prize!

She is so practical!!!!!! 🙌🏼🙏🏽❤️

🎯 Key Takeaways for quick navigation: 00:03 💍 *The impact of unvoiced expectations on relationships* - Discusses the negative impact of going into a relationship expecting one's partner to change or wishing certain characteristics would shift overtime. - Highlights that when someone gets married, they're not just making a deal with their partner but also a deal with themselves regarding expectations about changes in their partner. - Advises against hoping for certain drastic changes, like a person's desire to have children, as it could lead to resentment. 03:13 ⚖️ *The importance of alignment of values in a relationship* - Explores the topic of alignment of values in a relationship and whether differences in values can still result in a successful relationship. - Suggests that it depends on the ability to live with differentiation and how comfortable one is in making choices individually. - Gives examples of topics that individuals must align on, such as having children, religion, and life choices, and emphasizes the importance of not expecting the other person to change. 06:01 💔 *Discussing Jealousy* - Delves into the theme of jealousy in relationships, including the speaker's personal journey in overcoming his own jealous tendencies. - Discusses the idea that jealousy is not an early emotion - it comes from having a sense of who you are. - Suggests the shift away from jealousy came from an increased sense of self-confidence and a lessened fear of abandonment. 10:31 😨 *The intersections between jealousy and attraction* - Examines jealousy as a force in relationships that can both fuel attraction and cause challenges. - Distinguishes between the crippling, painful form of jealousy and the kind of jealousy that increases appreciation and attraction towards the partner. - Points out that the shift from one to the other involves increased confidence and security in one's connection with the partner. 13:31 💡 *Insights on Conditions that Fuel Desired Partners* - Enumerates the four conditions when a person often finds themselves most drawn towards their partners, identified from asking people around the world. - Illustrates the close relationship between love and desire, explaining how they correspond, conflict, and contribute to the mystery of eroticism. - Explains how time, unusual situations, other people's perceptions of the partner, and longing during absences or reunions can create attraction. 17:59 🌉 *The role of culture and mutual aspirations in relationship dynamics* - Discusses the different ingredients necessary for a relationship to work, including love, feelings, culture, aspirations, and value. - Suggests that in embarking on a life journey with another person, seeing it as a negotiation and renewal instead of a contract can make for a better relationship. Made with HARPA AI

Thank you for this video. It helped me more than anyone I spoke in the last three days. A really good content creator go on.

Having self-confidence is something that Dan Bacon talks about and she hits the nail on the head when it comes to jealousy or this sense of 'I'm going to lose something/someone'... the more self-confident we are, then we do not place so much importance on the other person or persons... this is key when approaching lovely women that a man is interested in... if they reject the man when he approaches... if his self-confidence is strong... he won't put his tail between his legs and be hurt... he isn't affected by their 'rejection'. Then the women will see and know that he is strong and if the women are testing him then they cease testing him with regard to this and the women open up because they want strong men in their lives... now, the two of them can continue to discover each other...

She is so amazing!!!

Thank you for this interview. Do you think you can have another one with wonderful Dr. Perel to more deeply touch on how to accept your partner as they are? I feel like this interview, as wonderful and educational as it was, talked more about jealousy than accepting the other person as they are when there are very particular things you would like for your partner to offer you because you feel like you are out of alignment with your self if they don’t. Thank you.

I honestly think that the end of jealousy is being sure of who you are, loving yourself, and trusting yourself to take care of your own pain, needs, etc. Not relying on someone else to make you okay.

These people are pioneers. Even though they aren't saying anything incitive, they probably still receive hate and garbage just by default yet they ignore it and still make content anyways. True pioneers

You have to love from your heart rather than you mind

Stumbled upon your channel earlier today - and am floored with the truth, the tact, and the teachings. Total WOW content. Sharing with my friends & colleagues who are in relationships (and I'm learning, for future use!) THANKS FOR SUCH A GREAT CHANNEL!

I gotta learn from Lewis. I struggle with jealousy, always in my relationships. My dear is also possessive but not to my extend.

I had a teacher in High School who would day seemingly odd things here and there. Interestingly, those are the things I remember. Anyways… one day he said this to the guys in the classroom: ‘Your wife has to be the most beautiful woman in the world.’ Now, knowing what his wife looked like, my 17 year old self chuckled and dismissed what he said. But after 20 years of marriage I know what he meant. If you are not truly drawn to your woman (and there can be many reasons besides physical beauty, although that is important too), then your chances of having a lasting relationship go down drastically.

I've never been jealous personally, but others I've been involved with have struggled with jealousy. It is cultural. Perhaps it is misplaced passion. Many Israeli men report it as a positive, also attachment is perceived as a positive. As an American woman living in a somewhat Turkish/Sephardi Israeli town (Akko), some of this attention is perceived as unwelcome controlling aggression. It is rarely intended by the men as such. It is intended as warm interest: sexual, cultural, financial, social. Who is she? What can I do with her? What can I can gain from it? Misdirected but not with the intent to disrespect. When they don't care, they ignore you.

What happens when the partner says one thing but does something else over time?

I appreciate the flow and exchange of this interview allowing both people to share knowledge on one side supported by experience in the other side.

Jealousy is an amazing thing when it shows you possibilities to grow as a person, let's you get to know your insecurities, and empowers you - through self-compassion - rather than inventing hoops for your partner to jump through just to stop you feeling jealous (avoidance). Jealousy is always about us. Because if it really was about the other person, is not jealousy, it's betrayal of trust, something else. Jealousy can feel like a betrayal though, so we tend to lay it at the door of our partner for them to fix, and that's a problem.

My dad had such extreme jealousy through my parents' entire marriage. He was insanely jealous. It was horrible for their relationship and for all of us children growing up. Definitely problematic.

I told my partner that I would go to church with him( am not Christian, but was raised as such). I also said I would not kneel or take host. We agreed.

"On loan with an option to renew.."🙂 Good one. Will have to remember that.

She is amazing.

What a beautiful interview. Lewis, I appreciate how your interviewing skills and listening skills have continued to improve, then you help draw out the expertise of your awesome guests

When you married that’s not a loan lol when you get married certain things are reserved only for your husband and wife. It’s about laying out where those reservations exist in a way of compromise before getting married. While you’re dating it is a little more fluid/flexible. The stakes are lower.

I wish kids have this speech in schools

She is incredible ❤

If you really love your partner you don't care to make children, if it will be it will if not it's ok too.. The special relation needs also private time for each other.. And the most important, spiritualy connection and growing in it.. So greatful

Concept of desire well explained.... What a wisdom in your words

Jealousy is a normal feeling in a human, but it have to be balanced.

I really liked the tonight video short and so well explained❤✨🙂 only better communication can take us from messy misunderstanding ❤🕊️😌

Wonderful talk, great preacher

“ your partner doesn’t belong to you. They’re just on a loan with the option to renew” 🎉

If there's three things that bother you and it's not something like adultery unless you're both into that just go to them and talk to them about how whatever it is those three things are and how you tried to accept them before you know when you got married or whatever you decided to try to accept them because you love them but then it how it became an annoyance and maybe the taint a loving and caring way that you love them if they can help you with those things become less of an annoyance whatever they are if the person loves you they will listen and then apologize for not dealing with it sooner

diggin the pearls dude

She is amazing

I’ve never been jealous with my lovers/boyfriends/etc. But I can be super jealous when it comes to my female friends. Like if I’m excluded from a group thing. Or one chooses a mutual friends time over mine.

This advice and guidance is gold.

Love her blonde streak!

My love language is physical touch and time. But my husband is not affectionate or romantic and has a fixed mindset i.e we couldnt spend time together discussing ideas and he does not stimulate and excite me mentally... after being together for almost 20 years its just plain and boring... although he is dependable and loyal i feel like we just lose the "spark" Help...

Hi, New to your channel, love the succinct and earnest presentation. Lovely!

Idk if jealousy, in itself, is a bad thing. I truly believe, as I have seen in the majority of relationships, that one should never put him or herself in a position to lose his/her partner. One should always choose his/her partner in any situation and over anyone. But maybe that's just me

I still live with resentment in marriage today simply because I was full of pretending in the past 12 years that things are ok even it isn't for me. It is killing me at some point.

Great explanation on jealously

You accept the advantages and the differences

brilliant. simple and brilliant.

One of the most valuable videos on the Internet…

You can accept to do things without your partner, but eventually your doing everything without your partner. Why are you there?

my partner is very communicative, open and very friendly. To a point where most females get a crush on him. That really bothers me. I like him the way he is but I don't need the drooling chicks stuck to him. Maybe the problem also is that I don't have the impression he wouldn't enjoy this kind of attention...

In this times...DONT MARRY if you dont want a LONG commitment...LONG meaning at least 20 years or so..lots of couples marry becauses family pressure..a baby on thte go (not planned)..because they told you YOU ARE OLD...whatever...I am married for 15 years already.. with 3 kids...planned to have onlly one kid.. because I really believed I didnt want to overpopulete this planet! and also its a LOT of responsability and costs..of course..noboy talks about it..but it also changes the >romantic scenery wity your parter

~14:26 onwards: 👏; thank you.

Political differences after almost 30 years with held grudges are a big problem!

What about alcoholism? For me it's getting unbearable and very hard to accept it. He gets home every day between tipsy and drunk.

I think that jealousy is very similar to stress. Possibly even a variant OF stress that comes from an emotional place regarding feelings of possessiveness regarding a relationship and desire to not have attention as a resource removed from the jealous party. Let me explain. Low levels of stress or acute but short lasting HIGH levels of stress activate the mind and excite the nervous system. Which on its own is NOT a bad thing. It can actually contribute to higher levels of productivity and focus. But chronic stress registers in the body as an illness. It has all sorts of negative health and mental effects. I think that jealousy operates a similar way. Low levels or small bouts with quick resolution remind the jealous party of their ACTIVE desire for their partner, a mental state which staves off complacency and boredom. It reminds them of the aspects of their partner they are grateful for and keeps them in a competitive spirit. Too much though can lead to DEEP insecurities or trust issues. So it must be balanced and tended to. Trust must never be damaged when allowing the existence of a controlled level (or unexpected occurrence) of jealousy in a relationship.

Absolutely brilliant!!! Thank you!