www.cornerstoneclinic.ca - Want to learn how to Help your Child Regulate distressing Emotions? Then watch this video by Halifax Psychologist, Brad Peters.
Emotional regulation means that a person can subjectively tolerate distressing emotion (for example: fear, sadness, guilt, or anger), without being flooded or incapacitated by the feeling, or having to disconnect from it, by way of distraction, dissociation or intellectualization.
Children that are unable to effectively regulate emotion tend to suffer from temper tantrums, emotional meltdowns, or they’ll be excessively rigid, avoidant, or anxious about emotional vulnerability or expression … they may also experience difficulty connecting deeply to others or seeking them out for emotional support, which is an important part of psychological resilience.
A child’s capacity for emotional regulation is largely dependent on how parents habitually respond to a child in emotional distress. You might check-out my video on attachment to get a deeper understanding of why that is.
Here are some guidelines for parents on how to respond to a child who is upset - first, by suggesting some things you generally want to avoid:
Monitor your own emotional reaction and don't allow yourself to be frustrated, angry, anxious, or overwhelmed.
Avoid dismissing their child’s feelings through rationalization. For example, saying “it’s not that bad,” “other kids have it far worse,” or “there’s no reason for you to feel that way.”
A final response that you generally want to avoid, at least initially, is one that appeals to rational problem-solving or advice-giving.
Okay, having listed some of the things to avoid doing, what is the appropriate way to respond to a child in emotional distress?
First, your nonverbal communication should generally convey concern, interest, and empathy.
The second thing that you want to do is ensure that you express verbal validation. Sometimes this just comes from asking questions: “when did you start to feel that way?” “how long has it been?” “is it always that bad?” “what else do you feel about it?”
Remember that no parent is perfect and that every parent has moments when they get frustrated or respond inappropriately. The important thing is to catch it as much as you can and repair the relationship if you suspect that you’ve done something wrong; of course this is also good modelling - teaching your kid that we all make mistakes and can unintentionally hurt the people we care about. If you struggle with empathizing or regulating your own feelings - don’t beat up on yourself; recognize that there is probably for good reason for you to have some difficulty here, though it’s now your responsibility to do something about it so your own kids don’t have to struggle with similar issues.
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