Hey thank you for this important point. I completely see where you're coming from. I'm not an expert either but really that point about your obsession latching onto what you value most in life is so true for me anyway. I think it's always about a fear, right? The fear that you are unworthy, or going to get an illness, or die, or something, it's always a fear. So we have to confront the fear - saying "ok, what if we are going to get ill, so what?" It's not saying "go and get ill" or "go and harm yourself". It's also not about saying "go and have sex with someone of the same sex". It's about saying "what if you are". It's weird I know, but often we have to do the counter intuituve part and confront our fear. How to do that with the other forms of OCD I don't know. I used to have loads of compulsions as a child just for feeling like I was going to be dirty and horrible if I didn't do them. Then it became HOCD, then I healed from that and it moved onto thinking I was going to die from a tumour or from stress and more of a health OCD. Either way I still suffer from it. So crazy isn't it? I appreciate your comments so much. They have added to the discussion.

@@notdefining can you help me i get thoughts that tell me i like girls and I know I don't but my head it trying to convince me i do but I don't want to and it's getting so bad I don't want to be gay I just need to know if im in denial or hocd please help

@@lesliecazareschinas1137 Hey Leslie, thanks so much for getting in touch. It sounds like you may be struggling with intrusive thoughts. Do you have access to a health professional or therapist you could enquire with? Lots of great support is available so that's the good news. You're going to be okay. Sending much love to you, Mark x

​​@@notdefining Do you really think that it will gonna work? Just because you have came out to be bisexual, doesn't mean everyone is. It would actually worsen one's ocd if constantly telling ourselves that "ohh what if you're attracted, what if xyz" no bruh.. it doesn't work for straight people having hocd. Infact, it would make the ocd worse if it doesn't align with one's true feelings or desires. The thing is, you're bisexual and thus you think everyone is same as you. You're entitled to your own experience, opinions and perspectives. It doesn't work the same with straight people's hocd. It was helpful for you cuz you're bi, thus it was aligned with your true self. It's not the case for everyone and would make the person more confused, distressed etc if it's not align with their true self. Don't be entitled to your perspectives, feelings, experiences and opinions only.

Gosh thank you so much for your kind words.

Hey thank you so much. This has made my day.

Oh thanks so much for taking the time to say. I'm always here for you ok? Don't struggle alone. Sending love.

Oh gosh I'm so pleased. You're doing so well. Always here for you. Sending so much love.

Hey I’m so glad you found our content too. It’s so tough to deal with these thoughts and you’re not alone. We’re always here to help so don’t struggle by yourself. Sending so much love.

Hey thanks for sharing. This can be really tough. Do you have access to any therapy or GP at the moment?

Hey thank you so much for your kind words. I'm so glad my content has been helpful. I totally relate with you. It's fab you're writing a book! I am too as it happens. Great work. What I would say to you is this... The greatest creators in this world are those who create from originality. The greatest writers are the ones who create something completely new from their own heart. Do you think Tolkien knew that people would love his crazy world of wild and fantastical creatures? Do you think Dickens was sure that writing a story about the poorest people would would change society's view of class forever? Can you imagine if they held back and wrote Fifty Shades of Grey to be "acceptable" and "like every other book"? No! You are an amazing amazing person with a unique perspective that no one else on this planet has. SCREW OTHER PEOPLE'S OPINIONS! If they want to write a book they can write their own. If you write a book that conforms with what you think other people want or expect...it will be average. It will be unexciting. It won't be new or different, or engaging. It won't excite people. WRITE FROM YOUR HEART! People like us are incredible. We have a beautiful uniqueness that other people don't have. We are beautiful. We transcend expectations, we cross boundaries, we understand human nature from different sides of the spectrum. USE THAT! Write from YOUR own heart. Write about the things that scare you. Write about the things that you don't think people will understand. Write in the bits that are messy, weird and wonderful. What do all the best books have? Complex multilayered characters! What is more complex and multilayered than a bi person...or a straight person who has different attractions here and there. We need these characters because guess what? People are complex and multilayered. These humans exist in society. I am one of them and so are you. If we don't write about these things then think of all the young people growing up and never feeling mirrored. Because they're reading yet another boring straight heteronormative love story that in no way connects to their lived experience. So they don't feel seen. So they repress themselves just like so many others, then they become authors and do the same.... NO! You have a beautiful opportunity here. Now it's scary. Anything that's new and amazing is scary. But do you dare to be great? Do you dare to stand firm in what you know to be true in your heart? Please, please I implore you. Don't listen to people saying your lived experience isn't "the right one" or "the right way" or "straight enough". PLEASE! From one person who overcame all his demons to post the scariest stuff I could possibly think of in my heart out onto the internet....to another... Do it. OK sorry that was a big rant but you really inspired me. If you need support please don't hesitate to let me know. We're all rooting for you. You amazing fabulous wonderful author. And I wanna read the book when it's out and a best seller! Much love, Mark x

@@notdefining Oh, you're writing a book, too? That's awesome! What's it about? And is it fiction or non-fiction? You are a wonderful person! I really needed to read that. I've had days where I ruminate for hours and get nothing done, and I get depressed and want to avoid everyone because they don't know the magnitude of my disorder. And my book means so much to me, I hate when I feel no motivation to finish it. It's actually interesting how you've said you've felt restricted to express yourself fully as a man because of what is expected of you, because I feel the same about my masculine feelings...Actually, even before I developed SO-OCD, I wrote many themes like that in this book. In my family, my brothers and dad have always been expressive and sometimes more emotional than my mom or sister. I've seen them cry, I've seen them get dressed up and care about their appearance, and my brother kisses his son as much as his wife does. I think that men deserve more sensitivity, just as much respect as women demand. I don't like when men are made fun of but it's passed off as a joke, when if a womsn was being made fun of in the same way, there would be an outcry. My story is about aliens, and while most of my female characters have physical powers, the men have emotional ones. If you're interested, I got a lot of my inspiration from the 1977 Vrillon Message. It's on KZfaq and I really loved the concept. My story is called Nimbus and I'll be publishing it on Amazon soon. I've never felt completely like other girls, and as I research (for information and not just as a compulsion) I think I'll find a term that suits what I feel best. I think 'bisexual' is so scary to me because I feel like it doesn't match my experience as well as maybe 'heteroflexible' or 'biromantic' would. It's hard to accept feelings and experiences that others have told you is wrong or doesn't make sense, and it's worse when things feel so polarized. My family doesn't know much about the LGBTQ+ community and the different orientations you can identify as, so even if they love and respect me, it's hard to discuss this stuff when I've seen them be judgmental towards other people. Anyway, thank you for replying, and if I need more help, I'll definitely join your Patreon! I loved your meditation video! 💙

@@julianneloy6010 Hey thank you so much for taking the time to write. I'm so proud of you and your book. It sounds fantastic. Will you let me know when it's out and I will promote it on my channel. Sounds so good. Totally hear you about heteroflexible or biromantic. Why not use those terms? or Bi+? Or "somewhere on the bi spectrum"? You can use whatever term that feels right for you, or just none at all. Never let someone else define your lived reality. Your feelings and experiences are yours. Nobody gets to judge them, even family. You don't need their approval. Just stand in your truth and let them work around that. You're doing so so well. Thank you for being a creative force for good in the world. I can't wait for people to read your book and love it. We need you! My book is non-fiction. It's called "Not gay, not straight. A guide to not defining your sexuality". It basically brings together everything I talk about on my platform in book form. I'm trying to find a literary agent or publisher but it's a hard process. It will come though, in time. If you know of any tips or ideas I'm always so open and grateful to know. I would be absolutely delighted to have you join our wonderful Patreon family. We had our first group video session the other week. It was so great. I've also got an exclusive podcast where I go really deep into some of these topics like never before. Finally, I also provide dedicated coaching, advice and community for those who would like to join a close knit group of like minded people. It's patreon.com/notdefining. Anyhow, it's so wonderful to connect with you and I look forward to hearing more. You are so loved and welcome in our @notdefining community. Much love, Mark x

@@notdefining Hey, I'm sorry it took so long to answer! Thank you for all your encouragement and advice. I love how open and honest your content is and you really are an inspiration to people like me, to accept and love my experiences and feelings! I probably will define as biromantic for awhile and see how it feels. It honestly feels like the most accurate term right now, but maybe that'll change, I don't know. With OCD, I have to keep my mind really open and not ruminate, which is so hard most of the time. 😅 That would be amazing! I'll definitely let you know when my book is out! I can't wait to read yours, too! I'm so proud of you for being open and writing your experiences down. As someone with a disability...and OCD, I would be terrified to talk about some of my personal experiences, just because they're so vulnerable and a lot of people would misinterpret or judge them. So you are so stong for sharing any scary or painful moments! I'm going the self-publishing route, so I don't know any agents, but Fiverr is a really good platform if you need a cover artist, and VistaPrint is really good for making virtual and print-out flyers for your book, like on a newsletter. On Amazon amd Goodreads too, you can do e-book and copy giveaways, and giveaways through Instagram are really fun and help you get more exposure. My mom is an author, too, and doing giveaways has gotten her a lot of exposure and reviews. Her name is Jennifer Loy if you're ever interested in looking her up. She writes romantic comedies, suspense and mystery. I'll look into the Patreon, and thank you for all your resources and help! Stay safe, well, and have fun with finishing your book! ❤

@@julianneloy6010 Hey thank you so much. I truly appreciate your kind words and I too am so proud of you. Don't let any judgement get you down because you are absolutely fab and amazing and I'm sending you all the love and congratulations. Take it easy, stay in touch. x

Hey thank you so much for saying this. It's so crazy isn't it how we think it's just one or the other. Like people actually believe this when it's so clearly obviously not. I always think it's like looking at the colour spectrum and saying "oh well, it's just black and white". Technically yes, all colours are a derivation of complete darkness or complete light, but it's not really helpful to deny that blue, orange, green, red and yellow exist and are beautiful. Thanks so much for your comment. Have you struggled with HOCD or anything similar? Tell us more about you, I'd love to know. Do please subscribe and check out our other videos if you can. I'd love to hear your thoughts. Sending much love and all the best to you x

Thank you so much for sharing this my friend. I'm so glad it's been impactful. It's a horrible condition and so confusing. My hope is that we can get this information out to many people who need it. I never knew it had a name the whole time I was suffering. Can you believe it? I wish I could have known....

Big dawg, I'm 33 and I'm at the same place

With me i don’t get it dude I was never attracted to guys and I still don’t know who I am but what my brain does is everytime I feel like I’m close my Brian pushes it away. Like today I found out that if the same sex attraction causes you fear then it’s hocd but after I found that out my brain isn’t getting scared anymore and tells me I’m not scared of it but I feel like I know I am becuase I have been for a long time about this. The attraction now is mostly just anime boys and sometimes actual humans. I can’t tell if it’s admiration and the hocd is making it feel genuine like dude do u have any socials that I could talk to you about this? Please dude I’m desperate

​@@vertile1x513 Hey man, Sorry to hear that you are having a hard time. Firstly, just know that all the suffering and anxiety that you are experiencing won't last forever. That's the first thing I can say to make you feel better. Secondly, have you ever been with a girl, had sex, and generally found women sexy (pardon me for asking, but have you been able to get erections just from fantasising about girls) to the extent that you've wanted to sleep with them? The reason I ask, is because if you have experienced these feelings, then the chances are that you are not gay, and that you are either one of the following: 1) Straight, but freaking out due to some minor attractions/fantasies that a LOT of men have experienced (even straight men) throughout their life. 2) Bisexual (or on the bisexual spectrum), which just to clarify, still means you find women attractive and can be with one. Thirdly, the solution is to accept the worst. I'm not saying the worst (which in your mind means gay) is true, but once you force yourself not to care, and to accept that you are gay (not saying that you are, but being able to accept this is the cure for your HOCD), only then will you be able to have no anxiety, and be much more confident in your sexuality. I do understand that certain social and geographical factors can (if you come from an Islamic culture, for example, I can imagine this would make the HOCD much worse) can make things much harder, but if you come from a Liberal country, trust me, you will get over this if you take my advice. And I don't give out my personal socials, but I would be happy to give an email if this helps?

@@Rafael-xt1nm hey bro to answer ur question yes I have I have found women attractive in that way multiple Times before it used to be all I thought about tbh. I think I’m bi becuase I have these feelings towards men but they come with fear and anxiety which makes me wonder if they are real. Also do u happen to know if hocd can be triggered by false attraction? Becuase that’s how mine all started. I thought an anime character was attractive on tv and then my mind wouldn’t get off it. But recently dude I haven’t had much of an attraction to women i don’t knkw why. My brain tells me I’m attracted to men but it comes with fear and non harmonus things. My brain has also tried to convince me that I want to be this way and I want to be gay. I truly don’t know what I am but I have been straight my whole life. Another thjng to meantion his I had this happen before and it was completely different about 9 months ago this started but I never felt any attraction to guys my brain told me I was but in my heart I knew I wasn’t. Then I stopped having these thoughts for 9 months and felt somewhat straight again. But now they are back and it has been worse than ever please help

@@Rafael-xt1nm I honestly don’t remember too much but I know I was always heavily attracted to girls like so much so but my libido has been like no existent for like 9 months now

Thank you so very much for this excellent comment. You are absolutely spot on. This is precisely what happened with me as well. It also correlates perfectly with a lot of the psycho-therapeutic treatment for OCD in general. Thank you so much. I might read this out in a future video. I wouldn't mention the account it came from unless you wanted me to. Thanks so much again.

Hey I totally hear you. Me and you both my friend. Me and you both.

​@@notdefining He Mark I would to chat to you if possible?

@@tommymartin8312 Tommy, I'm so sorry for the delay. I had a personal issue I had to attend to and have been offline a bit. Let me know what you'd like to chat about. There may be a possibility. I also have a guy who is experiencing HOCD who is keen to reach out and chat with other men. Would you be interested in this?

@notdefining Hey Mark no worries at all mate 👍. I would yeah mate sounds good.

@notdefining so ok my mind is telling me that I want to be with a man but I'm not sure I can trust my mind. I've never had any true feelings of romance or anything like that towards friends or anything. I went out the other weekend and I was totally attracted to women and only wanted to look at women. But then sometimes it feels as though I'm just faking and doubt myself. I do have images of men in my head etc and think that must be what I want. So you can imagine I'm quite confused. Cheers for listening

Hey thanks so much for sharing your experience. Every time we talk we break the obsessions a little more. You're doing so great. I'm proud of you.

Hey thank you so much for reaching out and sharing your story. I'm sorry it has taken so long to reply. It sounds like you have been through an awful lot. We're always here for you and ready to support you. If you would like to chat it out with me you can come join us on patreon.com/notdefining or book a session at notdefining.square.site. Otherwise send a reply here and I will always try to answer. We can hopefully get you to feeling much better soon. You're not alone. Sending big love, Mark x

Absolutely bang on.

and i mean sexuality and everything is a spectrum not ar one thing or another i have gay friends who has experimented atraction or even sex with member of the oposite sex, on this reality everything is about label stuff but we are just the conscience and we are the human condition

Hey thank you so much for your kind words. If you like meditation check out my meditation on my channel. I hope you like it. Subscribe to the channel and we will have lots more content for you. This is only the beginning. I am actually planning to make content soon on spirituality and healing from OCD and other subjects which I hope you will engage with and enjoy. Greetings to you in Venezuala from Ireland! We love you. How are things with you at the moment? How is your HOCD? Are you finding a path to healing? I would love to know more so we can connect and share your story. All the very best, Mark x

Thank you so much for sharing this and for the amazing courage you have shown in overcoming it. I'm so proud and pleased to hear you're doing better. It's not easy and you're so strong. Thank you for the words of encouragement to others because many people will read this and feel so encouraged. Wishing you all the best and let me know if you need some support. Much love, Mark x

Hey thank you so much for saying this my friend. It's funny you picked that phrase actually, because if you look at a lot of my videos, you will find that phrase in most of them. Why? Because it is the fundamental basis of healing from all of these things. HOCD, internalised homophobia, dealing with bigotry, finding out who you are... Realising that you don't have to strive to be anything. Realising that if you just stop, let go, breath out and sit in the stillness of your own perfection, let nature take over, you will enjoy the fullness of that moment. There is the key to contentment. And you find it in almost every religion, spiritual practise, yoga, meditation, mental health practise etc etc Your body is made from nature. Literally. It is part of nature. Stop trying to control the world by striving to become something "better". You are perfect. As you are. Right now. That concept changed my life and I'm so glad it resonated with you. I think we as LGBT people have to learn this the hard way because we are completely forced to try to be something we're not. But when we let go and sit in our power it is truly amazing. Anyway, sorry rambled away there a bit. I just love sharing and connecting. What do you think? Thank you once again for sharing on this channel. It's an honour to hear from you. All the very best, Mark x

@@notdefining Hey Mark....our chat Has seemed to disappear?

@@tommymartin8312 Oh yes, you're right. That's so strange. I don't know what that is. I remember it cascaded down from another person's comment. They could have deleted their comment? That's so sad.

@@notdefining I started to panic. How do we start our own chat mate ?

@@tommymartin8312 Don't worry. You're okay. It's ok. This is honestly the best way to reach me. You can DM me on twitter @notdefining if you have it?

Hey there. Thank you for reaching out. It sounds like you have been going through an awful lot. HOCD can be extremely challenging but you’re not alone anymore. We’re here to support you. I have to ask - have you made any plans to harm yourself or take your life? Please don’t struggle alone.

I've never made plans to harm myself but it's incredibly difficult to live with. I used to be so incredibly attracted to my husband now since having HOCD all the attraction for men has disappeared and I feel like since the OCD started I keep noticing women more and having intrusive thoughts which is very upsetting. It feels like I'm turning gay and I just want to go back to normal. A year ago I knew how in love I was with my husband but now it feels like it's all been a lie. Why is this?

@@EllaBromiley-vq9sb you have suffered a trauma and your brain has gone into panic mode. Instead of panicking about the actual trauma, it has latched onto “men or women” as a means of keeping the brain in a state of high alert. I would suggest for you to identify the underlying fear and follow this technique every time the fear comes up. Obsessive thoughts meditation for release and letting go kzfaq.info/get/bejne/bb-WbJti1taVeGQ.html If you would like to really overcome this please come and connect with me via Patreon.com/notdefining or notdefining.square.site. We can speak together and heal from this. Either way please know that you’re not alone, this is perfectly natural and you are going to be okay. You’re going through a really difficult set of experiences and I’m here for you.

I don't feel like I've suffered a trauma, i didn't have an intrusive thought that triggered the OCD I literally just woke up with the fear of turning gay. Nothing happened to me for my brain to be this way

@@EllaBromiley-vq9sb OCD is a trauma response. The underlying trauma may not be immediately evident. That’s normal. It can take a little work to assess the underlying core issues. It also doesn’t necessarily have to be something particularly huge or obvious. It doesn’t matter too much what it is. But since you asked “why is this happening?” That is the answer. We would have to do a bit of work together to see specifically what is going on for you but that’s how OCD works. It can absolutely seem like it’s out of the blue. That’s normal.

also I’d like support, any help would be great

Reading your words really touches my heart because I have been where you are. I feel everything you are saying and I know how horrific it can feel. I'm so so sorry that you are going through this it's the most awful feeling and you don't deserve to be feeling this way. It's really good that you're getting the right support, so definitely do that and it should help a lot. Also if it doesn't, or if one therapist isn't quite working don't give up. Don't be afraid to try something else. It took me a few goes before I found the right therapist so just bear that in mind. Other than that, here is the key question. If you were attracted to one of the girls at the party, what is your deepest fear? What would it mean if you were attracted to them? What is it that you are terrified of? I want you to try and answer this question as authentically and honestly as possible, if you can. Finally, my advice is to start trying to do at least one nice thing for yourself every day. Even something small. In doing this we connect our brains to allowing us to feel kindness towards ourselves and get used to looking after ourselves. This really helped me when I was going through this. Give it a go. Do one nice thing for yourself today. For you. See if you can do it for a week. Also, I would suggest checking out my meditation. It's 10 minutes and is specifically designed for bringing calm and grounding in these kinds of situations. Give it a try. See if you feel better after it. If you like it, try doing it every day for 10 days. Come back and tell me whether you are feeling better or not. I bet you will be! Let me know your answer to the question above and have a try of these things I suggested and come back to me. Most importantly for you to know is that you're not alone. You can always come chat with me and you've got a big community of people around you who have been through it and are with you all the way. You're doing great. Don't give up. Take it easy on yourself and have a peaceful, gentle day. Ok? Sending all my love, Mark :)

@@notdefining thank you so much for your reply. I think if I found a girl attractive in a different way my main worry is, why and how. Because I’ve always liked guys and hocd came along from a random thing and then this spiralled out of control. But I also saw another video (I do so many compulsions like watching videos going on forums, reassuring myself literally everyhting, it’s so hard not to) and it was an ocd therapist I think and he said someone in denial tends to line the thoughts but are scared of what others will think of them. I watched this a few days ago and now I’m panicking that this whole thing is a lie and I’m worrying not because of what I feel but for what I think others would think of me. I didn’t even think this before but now it’s in my head that I’m now more worried of what others would think rather than myself. But I know that the thought is unwanted, and I want to be with a guy, but over the last few weeks my attraction to guys is lower as I feel like if I say I like a guy my mind will go “no you don’t” so I don’t bother. And this then makes me panic because I think that a person in denial will deny everything. I’m just so worried becuase I liked guys so much before this and it randomly came on. I’m worried I won’t go back to how I was before, happy and careless. Another thing I do is I will think back to the past and think to times when there may have been an indication that I was a lesbian. And this then will make me panic. I’ve had a number of panic attacks and so much anxiety from this. I fear doing normal things like watching films I used to love etc becuase I worry I’ll find a girl pretty and then I can’t watch the film becuase my mind will be worrying about that!! Did you have hocd then? The last week or so it’s just felt much more real, I did have weeks when i would be okay and i would know it’s ocd but then I spiral again. I suppose I woudl be worried what other people would think (although I have a brother who is lgbtq and accepting family) but now I’m worried ever since seeing that video that that’s the main reason I’m worried about this and that I’m just in denial. Any help or advice would be great Amelia :)

@@Amelia-jt6ok Hey Amelia, thank you so much for speaking your truth to us. I really appreciate you setting out what you have been going through as it will help another person to feel less alone. Talking about things, even if it feels weird or scary, is also one of the best ways to heal, so well done. You're doing so great. I totally hear what you are saying and your words resonate with me. Yes I suffered from HOCD for many years so I know how horrendous it can feel. But I also know that you can heal and recover, which you will, I promise. You're going to feel great and care free again, ok? You are. You deserve to. The first thing I would advise is to have a go at the 10 minute meditation I have on my channel. It can really calm things down and help you get into a relaxed and peaceful state. Second of all, I want you to tell me what nice thing you have done for yourself today. I want you to do one nice thing for yourself every day and let me know what that is. Doing this changes our brain's approach from fear of our feelings, to honouring and enjoying our feelings. It also helps us to feel good when we're experiencing so much stress. Thirdly, do you have access to any mental health support, therapy or counselling? If not that's ok. I can make some suggestions and hopefully get you to the right support. Finally, I want you to try to complete this question for me. "If I am indeed attracted to women and all my worst fears come true, then it means.......about me". If you can have a think about this and pop me a reply, we will take it from there. You are going to be ok. I'm with you, I've got you and it's going to get better from now alright? Sending you so much love. Please look after yourself and take things easy. This stuff is hard and you're doing so well. Mark x

@@notdefining I want to say thank you again, you have made me feel SO much better. The past week especially I have had an insane amount of anxiety, almost sometimes that I feel sick and I have had multiple panic attacks. And knowing I am able to talk to someone who has also been through this is so refreshing. I have got access to support, a few weeks ago we spoke to a GP who then directed us to a psychiatrist. I will be starting CBT therapy hopefully soon. When I am in a state of anxiety and worry this is when it feels so real and that I like the thoughts. When I feel happier and am not panicking I know it’s hocd and that the thoughts dont make me happy so it is not true. I’m not sure if I said but it all started from a friend who is very confident. She tends to be quite touchy as a joke becuase she says she likes to make people uncomfortable. One day she did it to me and naturally I was uncomfortable. Then I was on the way home and I thought how strange it was, then It spiralled and I was asking myself “why am I thinking of it” “if I’m thinking of it, it must mean I like it” “this means I’m gay” and so on. I also have memories where I don’t know if they are true or not. I will think of a movie or something and wonder if before hocd I was actually attracted to a female in a different way. Was it something I wanted. because now when I think of it (and I am in the panic and worry mindset) I don’t know what I felt. I think I’m just over analysing it but it’s so hard to know what’s true when everything is so heightened. I just also worry that all of this is fake and that I am saying all of these things to suppress my “real” feelings and what I “really” want. It’s like a battle that I can never win. When I am in a panic stage it’s so hard to know what is true and what isn’t. I will definitely try the 10 minute meditation. Thanks for the advice. Amelia.

I want to say a big thank you for taking the time to share what you've been through my friend. A lot of this is extremely hard so I'm really grateful that you've given your story. Every time somebody shares, it makes it a bit easier for someone else. Even myself reading your story I relate so much and it reminds me that I'm not alone and feel normal, so thank you. I'm hearing so much what you're saying about the stress and anxiety keeping you from intimacy, and then the fact that you're not being intimate with your partner makes it worse because you think "oh well this proves it!" So awful. Also totally relate with those kinds of triggers. Sometimes I get triggered in the middle of like a family event or a work meeting and my brain just goes mad. It's horrendous. Getting so much better now though. I'm really glad you've been able to access some therapy. How are you doing at the moment? I'm always here to chat if you want and I find that the more we talk about it with people who understand, the lighter it becomes. If you haven't already, please subscribe and hit the bell for notifications as I have lots more on the subject of HOCD and related topics. I would love to hear your updates and perspectives always. Thank you again, you're not alone so please don't struggle with anything by yourself anymore ok? We've got you. You're doing so great. Sending loads of love to you my friend, Mark :-)

Hey thank you so much for sharing what you're going through. I'm hearing that you've been through so much pain. I'm here to support. Do you have access to any counselling or therapy at the moment? It's okay if not.

This is happening to me as well at some point. When I was young I also used to look on girls that were popular but only because they were popular an wanted to be their friend (I also was jelous at them and wanted be a copycat). I never thought of anything physical until know because my ocd it's making me believe that me trying to have friends was me being a lesbian or bi. I sometimes think that my brain it's playing games with me and making me try to use words to say that I'm a lesbian and it really gets me. I just want to be calmed with my boyfriend who I love so much and know I have something real.

Hey thanks so much

Hey thank you for sharing this. It’s really tough so we’re here to help you figure things out. If you’d like dedicated coaching come to Patreon.con/notdefining. Otherwise let me know what would you say are your main attractions and how long have you been experiencing this, if you’re comfortable sharing that. If you could let me know your rough age as well hopefully we can help you find some clarity. Don’t worry. We’ve got you and you’re not alone any more. Sending love. Mark

It's sounding 100% HOCD, don't bother yourself mate.. I'm here. I'm also dealing with it and currently trying to working on it. Try CBT therapy, ERP therapy (most recommended one) and practice mindfulness meditation, do exercises and make yourself busy to not get the time for overthinking unnecessarily. Trust me, if you aren't comfortable with the idea of having same gender relationships or engaging into same gender sex then you're neither gay nor bisexual. You're 100% straight, don't be panic and start the above methods to improve it if your aren't recovered yet. Let me know if you've recovered by this or not?

Hey there thanks for watching. People of any sexuality can have SOOCD. It might sound strange but I’m actually going to suggest perhaps not reading into it with articles etc. as someone with SOOCD. Instead I might suggest the book “no bad parts” by Richard Schwartz. It’s a really good one for those of us who have OCD. More healing, less compulsive. Sending all my very best 🩷

@@lister11811 Hey thanks again for sharing these really good questions. I know it can get really confusing. The main obsessive question that we have when we're suffering from HOCD is, as you know, "am I gay?" We obsess about this question and compulsively try to find answers. This leads us to feeling exhausted and hyper anxious so we go and see a therapist or psychiatrist... Then the therapist or psychiatrist diagnoses us with HOCD. For a moment, this brings us relief because we have been given an answer - "I'm not gay, it's OCD". Phew! However, what often happens next in many cases, is that we start to obsess again. Our brain starts to worry, is it really OCD that I have? Is the therapist right? It's HOCD so that means that I'm not gay? That means I'm not in denial etc.? It goes round and round again in our heads. This is actually normal and a perfect sign that you are indeed suffering from OCD. You are obsessing. Even writing questions online seeking answers is a common form of compulsion for many people. You desperately want me to give you a definitive answer - to say you are 100% not gay and this is just all in your mind. Right? It's ok. This is your brain still obsessively seeking an answer to the question. This is normal. What I'm saying in this video is that eventually - and you will walk through this with your therapist in good time - we have to come away from the question itself. We have to realise that this is a nonexistent question. This is the hardest, most counter intuitive thing we can do, so don't worry if it seems impossible. There is no "gay" there is no "denial" there is no magic treatment for HOCD. The healing comes when we learn to understand the feelings that we've been having, integrate those parts of our psyche that we're afraid of and move away from the terrifying question of "am I gay?" Now this takes time and is different for every person. You will go through everything you need to with professional help and you're going to be in great hands. At the moment you are still suffering from OCD so it's perfectly normal to be asking these questions. Speak with your therapist. Whatever they have advised so far will most probably be correct so listen to them. They know your situation best and they are the experts. You can trust what they are saying to you. As you begin to heal you will start to recover from the obsessive thoughts and feel at peace with your whole self and this is going to be amazing. For me, I was always bisexual/fluid. HOCD can affect us quite badly because not only do you have the fear of being gay and losing your hetero attraction, but you also have the fear of being straight, and losing your homo attraction. You constantly feel like you can't have a partner of any gender because you're going to switch and become unstable again. Your mind can never settle because you're constantly fluid. So HOCD can affect people of all sexualities. Sometimes it's referred to as Orientation OCD which I prefer as its a bit more inclusive. But anyway, this is what I struggled with and it was horrendous. But I have healed so much and I can tell you it feels fantastic when you break through it. You will, and I'm so excited for you. Does that make sense? It's ok if not. One of the things about this condition is it's horribly confusing so try to do something to take your mind off think about it if you can. Do something nice for yourself today. I'm always here to chat as an informal support. Will you let us know how you get on at the clinic? We're always here to support you and rooting for you. It's going to get a lot better, so well done. All my best, Mark :)

Hey thanks for sharing and I’m sorry for the delay in getting back. This comment got lost on my system. You are not alone. What you’re going through is perfectly natural but of course very tough to deal with. I would be more than happy to support you. You can book a 1:1 coaching session via notdefining.square.site or you can text me 24/7 and meet others just like you via Patreon.com/notdefining. The advice I would give you for now is to find ways to talk about it. As you have done with me. That’s great. The more we can talk it out the less control our obsessions have over us. I would also advise you to try to allow yourself to experience your feelings where you can. Find a time to obsess and allow yourself. Resisting it can cause a lot of tension. Anyway I’m here for you. Let me know what would be helpful. I’m specialised in this area so let me know if you have any questions and I’ll be happy to try and help. Once again so sorry for the delay and wishing you all the best. Mark

I was messaging someone the other day and I used the word " Modicum " (modi-cum) I quickly switched to an alternative word because my mind kept playing games with me. I don't think these thoughts are rooted in logic anymore.

I hear you. You are not alone.

This is a comment I relate to a lot, I’m in a new relationship for the first time in years, and I feel amazing when I’m with her and want to pursue the connection because she makes me feel so loved. But these doubts and lack of libido, ontop of ongoing derealization, has just removed me from being able to feel fully, like in feeling from a slight distance if that makes sense. I just want to know where you’re at now? Writing this feels like a compulsion or search for answers, but finding out hocd is even a thing and seeing how much I relate to it has been a recent thing, so its great hearing im not alone

@Brendan Collins Your experience is synonymous with mine man. I honestly have no idea why this is happening. I went through a de-realization phase in 2020. My perception was substantially damaged, and I can tell you with certainty, I've never been to a darker place than that. You should regard the fact that you're seeing a girl as a source of hope.

What's your insta bro

Hey thank you for sharing this. I'm incredibly sorry to hear about what you have been through. What you're experiencing is quite natural. Sometimes when something traumatic happens to us, it can cause a shift in our thinking. It can also be flashbacks. Do you have access to any mental health support or counselling my friend? Sending you lots of love. It's going to be ok, I promise. Take it easy ok?

Don't waste any time getting help. This 40yo straight man had multiple incidents sexual assaulted by piers who also 'identified as straight', when we were minors. Only in the last 2 years, have I finally admited what happened to me and start therapy for it. While I am now comfortable being emotionally intimate with men, I still have a lot of anger over what was done to me. I don't know if I will ever be comfortable enough for sexual intimacy with a man.

@@mwva13 Can you share more thing about this how you deal with that I'm now what I'm becoming don't known every single day living in fear suggest me something please 🥺

Hey thank you so much for sharing this experience. It's so important that people know it affects gay people as well as those of other identities. Will you please tell us about your experience? What went on for you? How did it feel? I would absolutely love to hear about it. Thanks again and please subscribe if you can to help us get the info to more people. Much love from Mark x

@@notdefining I had just been starting to date my first boyfriend for a month. It occurred when I was hanging out with my best friend of 7 years smoking weed and eating Taco Bell. I knew what she was going to say and she knew I was going to say (don't remember what was said) I had this feeling that we knew each other better than anybody else and that I loved her more than my boyfriend at the time. When I had this realization, an enormous amount of fear filled me. I was thinking I cannot be going through this. I had already come out to my family and they'd disowned me. How could I now be straight. Now that some time has passed, I have realized putting yourself into a box with one label does not help mentally. No matter how many times I tried in my head, I do not fit into the straight identity. As of now, I don't know if I 100% fit into my gay identity. All I know is trying to fit one identity or the other, messes with my head. Anyways, as of now, I'm married with a husband.

@@benjamingehlke8708 Hey thank you so very much for sharing this experience with us here. I am honoured to have this on our page because lots of people read these comments and feel less alone as a result. The more we can talk things through and be heard, the better and clearer we will feel, so well done for sharing. I really relate with what you have said. It's also so important to remember that gay people experience OCD fearing they may be straight. Whatever your orientation or identity, these situations can be extremely unsettling and cause so much anxiety. How are you feeling at the moment? Do you have anyone else to talk to about things? I want to acknowledge to you also that you are part of a family here. I know it doesn't make up for the horrible situation you have experienced being disowned by your family - this is awful and my whole heart is with you - but we love you and you are our family here. Have you considered that you might be bisexual? I have lots of content on bisexuality which might be helpful if you haven't already checked it out. It doesn't have to be 50/50 or make sense to anyone but you. Let me know if I can help more on anything. Sending so much love to you and all the very best x

@@benjamingehlke8708 ohh man sorry you went through that. Im scared im no longer straight because the medication has taken away any of the anxiety i had. Before feb 22 i never questioned. It's almost i want to quite medication to get that anxiety. I was starting to feel better than i was in a room with a guy and felt like i wanted it then i ruminatied and now I just want to stay in my room. When I was younger I use to blink once or three times at people because I watched the movie my dog skip and he blinked at the dog twice and the dog died in the next scene so i use to think thats what would happen.

Hey thanks so much for your comment. I'm so pleased you found the content interesting. I have lots more on this and similar topics so please subscribe and share if you can. We discuss all the ins and outs of how men, women and all different people handle their sexuality, gender and identity. That's what we're all about. I would love to hear more from you. What are your thoughts about men and their sexuality. All the very best, Mark x

@@notdefining Hi mate... I'm so confused so I've had what I think is hocd. All started at 23. Never had a thought about being gay etc before that. I've had ups and downs with this and avoided TV shows anything with attractive guys in it. But now I'm 39 and the last 2 years have been hell and I cry all the time because of this and break down but it actually feels like I want to be with the same sex. Like...in my head I even said I want to marry my mate or a man etc. I don't feel like I want to marry my mate at all and I know I feel nothing for him. We're just good mates it's all just a bit bizarre. My heads a complete mess. I used to love girls so much but now I feel as tho I'm faking it 😔

@@tommymartin8312 Hey thank you so much for sharing your heart. I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through this and I can feel your pain so much. Strange though it sounds, what is happening to you is natural and normal. We all have different feelings at different times. The most traumatic part about it is usually the meaning and the fear we place on it. This can make us panic and feel extremely anxious. Do you have access to any mental health support at the moment? It's ok if not, just want to make sure you're getting the right support as it sounds like you're going through a really rough time. I'm here for you. I get it and you're not alone. OK?

@@notdefining thanks for replying. and it seems so weird because all I want to do is love women like I once did. But then I even doubt I did?. But I did. I had a bit of a toxic relationship for 8 years which hasn't helped but been on my own since last August I have glimpses of my attraction when I'm out and about. I do have some counselling on Tuesday 👍

@@tommymartin8312 Hey that's great that you have counselling. Are you able to talk about these things with your counsellor?

Hey thank you so much for the love, I appreciate it so much.

I did. I was always open with my wife and she was incredibly understanding and accepting. I have been blessed.

how r u now

@@haydensmith-se3ii i'm feeling terrible

@@joaobaka8404 have you had any therapy or took action on your thoughts?

@@haydensmith-se3ii everytime i see a man it feels like i intentionally wanted to have this thoughts

@@joaobaka8404 have u not done any therapy?

The fundamental question of HOCD is “do I have HOCD or am I in denial?”

@@notdefining Thank you!! I'm happy that i only have HOCD 🫶

🩷

Hey thanks for offering to write a comment. I can see this comment you've written so it should be fine. Go ahead.

Hey thanks for your comment. Could you explain the question a bit more for me? I want to be sure I understand correct so I can answer.

Hey thank you for sharing this. Are you able to talk to someone about this? We’re here for you my friend.

Cara tô no mesmo navio

If you feel you may be at risk of harm to yourself please contact your local A&E or police if accessible. Do you have anyone supportive around? Please get in contact via Patreon.com/Notdefining if you would like support from me we can chat it through.

Hey thanks so much for reaching out. Absolutely that's what I'm here for. If you'd like to post a question on here I will always try to reply. Alternatively, if you would like to receive personalised coaching from me, head over to patreon.com/notdefining (link is also top right of my page). We can chat about what's going on for you and work out a plan to get you feeling your best. Finally, I'll be starting Zoom chats soon so watch out for that. Really looking forward to hearing from you my friend. All the best, Mark x

Hey thank you so much for sharing what you’ve been going through my friend. This sounds so similar to my experience as well. These types of things can be so triggering. Do you have someone to talk to about it? Please do chat with me on here because I’m here to listen. Talking is the best therapy for HOCD so often. You’re doing so well. I’m proud of you. Let me know if you’d like recommendations for further support because I have some amazing therapist contacts who have basically cured me. Much love and thanks for watching. Mark

@@notdefining would definitely like to talk to someone more on it . It dosnt bother me as much but it comes and goes

@@hix9306 Hey I'm glad it's not bothering you too much. Are there any friends or family around you who might be able to have a chat?

@@notdefining my wife knows about it and she understands and I have done some therapy talk and done some work with it .

@@hix9306 OK that sounds good. How has the therapy gone?