Your book arrived yesterday and I'm looking forward to reading it. 😊

Thank you. An oft repeated phrase here . Yes I have a question. Please bear with the rather unformulated thought process in asking it : As recommended I looked at the CVA Articles noting the professional disagreement, in preference to a therapeutic experiential appreciation, it's place to CSA - being specifically related to Cause and Type of abuse rather than General . In reading about this, I clicked on to to ACE and my World of prior appreciation just blew Wide Open. The Statistics alone have the potential to add missing pieces of knowledge to minds, searching. These Articles Duely Referenced point to Systemic abuses, socio economic psychological physiologically and emotionally in Causations of what I am presently occupied with : Having Repeated the generational pattern. ( with nights of tears and no sleep ). I now have a Frame Work with which to Labor. Thank you. Physician heal thy self is a well known refrain. I am working on that. With these Videos amazing Research and posted Free Articles on Studies done. I think I have a growing path for HOW to assist my daughter ( where she invites me ), but what my Question is : What Tools can be used to pass on to adult children who one day want to be parents, to support them, guide them, teach them, about the Triggers they will Face in raising their own children, and how best to be there, ( if permitted to ), in giving that adult child what they need, ( and each time it will be a different Trigger ), so that adult child then a Mother herself can see very clearly what belongs to her past childhood traumas, and what the present ( her Future as a Mother ) is in reality about. ????? Especially As this deep desire to assist, amend, help with , guide through comes from the Mother who Inflicted her original Trauma to begin with . Is it unwise impractical or unhealthy or unsafe ( in eyes of ACE ), to want to quietly sow seeds of Reality Truth and Unconditional Love for adult child and their child ?? I don't know but from limited awareness I state, that at present there is not a lot of information on Turning from NPD Perpetrator to remorseful Advocacy Facilitator, and informed available Guide of own FSA Adult Child's CHILD. I have work to do . And take a moment to thank you For generous comments already made. These assist in bringing it altogether. Thank you.

I love your book and I bought the hard back version bc I intend to give it forward to other victims of FSA with the understanding THAT THE INFORMATION WITHIN ITS COVER MUST CONTINUE TO BE PASSED ONTO THOSE OTHER'S OF WHOM HAS BEEN IN THE NEVER ENDING LOOP OF THEIR FAMDAMNLY NARCOPATHETIC ABUSE CYCLES!

Thank you for this wonderful video. Can you tell me how you can identify a narcissist or borderline in a therapy session or that the person that you’re seeing has been victimize by a dark evil personality?

Do you have any audio books as I love to listen to your voice and I can take it in better? Thank you very much! 🇨🇦❤️🙏 4:07

very true, I am a hermit socially.

Us scapegoats can evolve into dark horses with understanding of all the knowledge that is available now. Once we know, we know and that helps us to grow. I’m so grateful that I’m not going through life like the folks who were supposed to raise and guide me. 🙏🏼❤️♾️🫀🧠💪🏼

💯💯💯

Absolutely! I hit my fair share of narcissists before I found a decent one at almost 50 years old

@Hawaiiansky11 Yes - and if there is trauma bonding, it is even more challenging to work through this. But it IS possible, mercifully.

No. A true friend will celebrate your good fortune.

Exactly. Extreme jealousy is not good at all.

Yes, their extreme jealousy is painful & harshly dangerous to the victim 💥

@@bobbieriales8764nope- that’s a motherly and sisterly trait! 🤯

I, a guy, finally got rid of a male friend like that. A perpetually dateless dude like that would downplay any good news he heard of my dating life. He kept trashing anything else possible with plausible deniability. I finally went NO CONTACT.

Sadly, it does, when it comes to these times of predatory family members.

Sooo true. I see a video on this in my future (!)

Yes. What is it about narcissists and boundaries? One time when I had enough it slipped out of me "you need to start respecting my boundaries". All I got was a question back in sarcastic tone of voice " your boundaries?" I felt so confused at the time and asked myself if I was being ridiculous. That kind of things broke down my trust in me and I guess that was the point.

@@user-pw5di9wz1l I had a 50 year old women tell me, "I am no longer respecting your boundaries! I don't even have boundaries with my own dad!" Wow...... How old are you? lol I unfriended her, went no contact. I was done with her BS.

I heard a funny joke the other day.... Why did the narcissist cross the road?????? Because they thought it was a boundary!

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Please do. Rebecca.

That flash of lightening (awareness) that can reveal what is hidden and unseen seems to have come through in dream form courtesy of your unconscious - Thank you for sharing.

Wish to GOD I HAD DONE THAT. GOOD FOR YOU.

Thank you, and I agree. And they are worth the challenge of going slow and being patient - and definitely worth the wait!

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse thank you, we're getting married this spring ❤️

Fantastic - congratulations! (I met my fiance in my mid-fifties!)

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse congratulations!

I've been specializing in helping scapegoated children and adult survivors for nearly 20 years. You might want to check out my research-based book on what I named 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA) to learn more about my work.

I could never figure out what was wrong until I discovered the language of the scapegoat abuse and how it affects people. For years I secretly thought and resigned myself to knowing that I was probably a malignant narcissist from the day I was born, but now I can see how the treatment I received both by parents siblings and, extended family, and community all worked together to never acknowledge me.... unless it was to frame, blame or punish. I know that sounds dramatic, but unfortunately, it's true. I don't have any memories of not being either responsible or vicariously responsible by either doing or not doing, but never for the good stuff, only when it went 'wrong'. I just thought I was bad through and through in other peoples eyes so I pretty much just shut off and went through all the motions, copying what other people did because that is what I thought I had to do to be a decent human being... but it was never about me, only me trying to be accepted, loved or even noticed in a positive way, and I look back at all the things I did to try to be normal and I am revolted by what some people refer to as 'humanity'. A lot of people are perverted thinkers. I get why people didn't like me, and I really do hope that I never see anyone I know again....... Not sure if I want to try ever again. Things are different now, having a different toolbox to work with, I am slowing healing and understanding and getting rid of all the stored angst in my body. I have been slowly starving myself for fifteen years now, and only recently that I have even started wanting to feed myself. I am wasted away. All my life I figured it doesn't matter to anyone if I live or die. But now, after bingeing on Rebecca's videos and seeing just exactly what happened, I want to start to care about myself again... she (me) never stood a chance while I couldn't reach her. I didn't even know that there was a me inside.

I am quite surprised too but as a survivor It also feels very reassuring to know that this awful abuse is recognized and there are specialists who are available to help in this particular field. You can feel very alone at times and just finding out something like this can really help 😊

Shit im the scapegoat with my significant other. He is a narc, abuser, manipulative, sadistic etc. I just dont know what to do anymore. Unfortunately i was cought in a moment of reactive abuse and have that over my head. Mind you i have hours upon hours of his narc, and abusive behavior twards my in many recorded arguments. I just want the court system to know, the world to know and get out with my kid 100% of the time. I fear when we go to couples counciling soon that the therapist will believe the fascad he puts up.

not over here in Germany - we are still decades away from it. Unbelieveable but true @IngaCombs.

And fake being humanE...

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 Agreed! It’s shocking. They’ve always been out there, for lifetimes. Awareness is at its highest now especially with social media and platforms like KZfaq. With awareness, light is being shed on these monsters. 👹👺

Oh, and a side note: there were several times we were supposed to get together, but my chronic hip and back pain would flare up out of nowhere. I now know it was my subconscious protecting me. Thank God for that.

Indeed, the body never lies! Glad you listened to this source of innate wisdom via its 'health-seeking' signals.

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Indeed! 🙏💛🙏

A warm big hug for you 🤗 maybe you feel lonely but we are together in this (lots of u 's = US 😊). ❤

@adamflint2377 Your feelings are understandable. There are indeed many types of overlooked losses as related to survivors of this type of abuse. Thank you for taking the time to comment.

It was never you! And it’s not too late to still marry and maybe have a family. Best wishes to you!

I had a similar experience. I always kept to myself because I was told no one would want to be my friend and I was a misfit. Growing up alone and being told you are unlovable is very painful. I learned about Projective Identification and now I understand why this happened to me. The abuser is projecting their own feelings about themselves onto you. I still feel bad though and I can relate to what you are saying.

@@fancynancylucille I think being the scapegoat can be at the root of social anxiety, depression, alcohol and drug problems, maladaptive daydreaming and other mental health issues. The pain and loneliness would drive the scapegoated person to find an escape.

Excellent point - that deserves an entire video. This happened to a good friend of mine. Incredibly smart, savvy lady. And she got completely fooled and was taken for everything she had. In her sixties. Left with nothing.

​@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse My heart goes out to her. I hope she has a lot of supportive friends around her. Something similar is happening to me. But I am hanging on and doing my best to salvage what I can. I worked in the global finance industry. He still fooled everyone. I helped crime victims for twenty years. He still fooled me, too. I hope that your friend can recover from that heartbreaking situation. A good mantra I tell myself often is: when you're going through hell, keep going. I wish her all the very best for rebuilding what was stolen.

Great idea - everything does get compressed and much can be revealed when you travel with someone. That small trip might show you what a lifetime trip might have in store for you. Thank you!

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼Agreed! This is the best way to see someone’s true nature!!!

I hear you. Been there... I also worked as the director of a large multi-clinic organization. Many people come to the hospital with anxiety issues, thinking it's a heart attack. Don't let staff embarrass you. You'll get through this. You will. And one day you'll be able to call them out say how would you have known, it happens to lots if people, staff should know better. You've GOT this!

I hope you read my book on what I named 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA), 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed; it will likely fill in some missing pieces if this is new to you. Also, many people have written me to tell me they asked their therapist to read my book and they were happy to do so, and this helped speed up the work.

@ArtemisBeneGesserit I have a couple of other issues that I think may have contributed to that. I talk loud for 2 reasons. First, I have constant ringing in my ears and have since early childhood. It took decades for me to teach myself to talk at a lower volume. Second, my voice gets louder when I'm excited for pretty much any reason (happy, scared, anxious, angry). I had told a nurse that was getting ready to insert an IV catheter that I wanted it it my arm rather than my hand. I was accused of being rude, even though I was not attempting to be rude... IV's in my hand cause the skin on my hand to feel like it's on fire.

@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse What is the title and where can I find the book? My mistake. I'm not sure if that's the title you mentioned or a chapter in the book...

@scatteredgrapes8007 My book on FSA is called 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'. On Amazon internationally and other major online retailers.

I LOVE this - I hope everyone here takes the time to read it. YES, YES, and YES!!!

A true chameleon...

One of the reasons I focus on the idea / concept / act of 'radical acceptance' versus 'forgiveness' with my clients, which is a more 'trauma-informed' approach.

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse have wrote so much to my self. Memories. To be able see from distance and also to understand. Explaining the "scape goate" roll that you and others do have helped me so much. Some heavy weight of anger that have to come out. But I feel free today

Indeed, cult dynamics and narcissistic family dynamics are often very much the same - And this has been researched on, btw.

This is absolutely painful and I am proud of you for cutting everyone off. Eventually, smear campaigns never stop. But at some point, you stop caring because you can either care about the present, your life affairs and kids, or about how you are perceived by strangers who give no shits about you, they are just gossiping for entertainment over other people's suffering. What you are doing is not easy, but it is the best thing you can do in such situation. Hang in there.

@@SamarElmaghraby- Thank you sweetheart

Agreed.

Like a velociraptor testing the fence....😔

I agree. The malignant narcissist/sociopath/ psychopath. People cannot possibly phantom what they are capable of doing. And if you finally TRY to tell ANYONE they think you’re insane and in my case many have alienated me-- for reaching out for help and telling the truth. Many just don’t want to get involved even though you may have helped them time and again in every way. And the effect on your health is extremely real and dangerous.

How shocking that must have been for you.

You are saying exactly what I say to my FSA adult survivor clients in regard to forming new connections - including romantic. "To be cautious - like a fox walking over ice." (Tao Te Ching). Yes, set those boundaries early; it serves as a wonderful, natural deterrent to those who are seeking 'prey'.

How wonderful that you eventually got your 'happy ending'!

I'm with you; I'd rather be alone than ever go through that again.

I LOVE this comment. Same goes for me and I’m really not interested. Once I went no contact and moved and came into my new environment I thought maybe I would try. Oh boy, the first individual who appeared was what Rebecca speaks of here. I told him I wasn’t interested - he said I’ll be patient. Totally didn’t hear what I said. I tested my theory- he flipped- I confronted. Nipped that in the bud and it reminded me that I don’t have to date and I can feel good about it ❤

I so relate 🙏🏼

Same!!! 😂😂😂

🙏🏼

Once you see this, you never forget it...

It’s the most heartbreaking thing to happen to you.

Yes, that 'fawn' response can lead adult survivors of FSA to many a dangerous people - and places. I hope you made it safely out and through!

This triggers a thought that some parents want to look good … and having your kids marry is a bonus … its all about them looking good. And if things don’t work out, its your fault even if their own marriage was a fakery. Exploring this further is a whole chapter.

@@roomg03 Thank you for your insight. Yes, it is all about looking good and covering up their fake marriage (saturated in violence, alcoholism, and religiosity). When a therapist asked my mother if she got help for our family suffering because of the malignant narcissist, she said "What would people think?" Both parents have personality disorders, take no responsibility for their lives and, instead, blame. At it's worst, I'm now told I "ruined" their lives and that I'm the narcissist. All they do is scapegoat until the day they die. It is a "whole chapter" of exploring and radically accepting this incredible dysfunction to finally have clarity, let go, and move on.

This is so sad for the child that is extremely abused so abused that there loyalty to the abusive parents to prove there love and goodness to the abusive parents that continue to abuse them life long. Like the abused child never grows up, stuck in a trap. I watched my brother be abused since childhood, and mentally, emotionally abused as growing up. Whoever was good to him good people were the bad ones, and bad people were to be loyal too. So bazaar. He couldn't take any criticism at all, he felt like such a failure. I watched him turn into my Dad, split personality. Very scary and abusive towards his mate, & me his sister if ever he felt attacked, or just to communicate to him to stop his behavior that starts to get abusive, he would split into my dad.) I tried to tell him. He didn't listen to me, because I was the Scapegoat he was told that I was a Lier. (I think he was a Scapegoat too) I felt so sad for him, he never broke away. He died abused himself with alcohol. He could never figure it out.

@@deborahlynnelentz6432 very sad. Surviving is tough business

In hindsight they were mirroring me to get me to open up, claiming to have similar problems though the evidence was the opposite, they were gathering information about me.. the only clue I had was that the empathy felt exaggerated, and something felt off..

I can totally relate! I'm a very empathic person and my gut has always been 100% but I'm susceptible to gas lighting, And I have rescue tendencies for wounded people. The swine test of saying no to something with a narcissistic person and watching their rage or contempt.... Can come up later in the relationship. They seem to know when they've got you hooked because being a faithful and loyal person, I have given way too much investment, way too many chances to people friends or romantic partners... Because this is what I have done with my family of origin because it has been devastating facing how truly evil and betraying they all are! I've been able to finally see the flags earlier but what really sucks is I currently do not have any safe people in my life! I've even gone to 12 step groups and they can be rife with narcissists, too! They want to control the group, especially indoctrination newcomers! There is flexibility in who tries to take leadership and dominant people take liberties! A group isn't supposed to really have a facilitator in charge. And I'm a truth teller and although diplomatic, people who are not authentic and who are there to garner supply tend to Slander me and Turn other people in the group against me! They are really uncomfortable with authenticity and that their true motives might be revealed because there's something to contrast it with!

@annastone5624 So much more awareness is needed in the Mental Health community regarding malignant narcissism. We are in sociopathic territory here. The abuse can be conscious, unintentional, and most cruel. The cause does not matter: Victims / Survivors experiences and attendant pain must be taken seriously - and validated.

@callie4112 I totally relate to their reactions to authenticity. Personally I completely avoid groups and I carefully test one to one relationships. I’m starting to feel safe for the first time in my life. I still feel super unsafe, but I feel mapping this stuff out, means we finally have a true map of reality and won’t get so easily blind sided.,

@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse yes!! The cause does not matter. Speculating on the cause, to the person who is being wounded, is a strawman fallacy.. used by abusers and enablers, so it’s particularly painful. The victim ends up apologising for criticising their abusers who are supposedly so ‘wounded’ and by implication ‘in pain’

THIS: "In my experience, I have found that being an empath and having been with a likely NPD person and surviving, is like being a recovering alcoholic. One must keep sharp, up-to-date, disciplined, and well-informed into perpetuity to avoid missteps in the future. The cost of not doing so will be prohibitive." - Thank you, that says it all.

That can definitely happen. I plan to do a video on that very thing at some point.

I certainly will!

Thank you for letting me know my videos are helpful. No, it is rare to be asked about what actually happened to you in these types of scapegoating families; and if you do get asked and share the truth, you are unlikely to be believed. I explain why this is so in many of my videos here and in my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed', which you may want to check out sometime.

I married a covert narc who drained the life out of me and I had to be responsible for everything and then I was blamed and scapegoated. He cheated on me throughout the marriage and I didn't know it for a years, as he gaslighted me constantly. He was also in front of the church playing an instrument, I had no idea that my family was aligned with him andhe initiated divorce, And locked me out of all the accounts with the idea that I would come crawling back to him. After threatening me and kicking me out of the house!! I got a restraining order that he was able to violate it several times. He cheated on me, threatening to kill me and tried to kill our dogs. My family backed him up in the end and even though family members were on the restraining order they still backed him up. These people are such huge betrayers and I've always invested a lot of care and energy into my family of origin and what I get back is betrayals,, slander, mobbing, bullying, and trauma.😢

I am very saddened to hear of your experiences, when you were hoping for so much more. Great suggestion. Yes, coincidentally, I plan to do a chapter on this in my next book, which will be on what I named (via recent research efforts) 'family scapegoat trauma' (FST). I'll try to get something out on video before the book is released (which I hope will be next year). I do address this somewhat in my first book on FSA (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) and in Step 4 of this article here: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/2021/09/08/10-self-care-tips-for-adult-survivors-of-family-scapegoating/

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Thank you 😊! And I’m looking forward to your next book!

You're welcome. It is a lot to endure, isn't it? Glad you're here.

I've had an idea to do a video on exactly what you address (and ask about) here in your comment. I will do my best to get one out within the next month or two. It would be a good follow up video to this one here, in fact. Important questions. An I'm glad you're here.

Your broken people picker is not your fault! What happened to us growing up, that foundation of being gaslit and manipulated By scapegoating families laid down patterns that are not our fault. But it is our responsibility to recognize the patterns and work on them, if we want change.❤

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse thank you, I look forward to it.

Perhaps through awareness we can take the splinter out - change direction enough not to keep going back. meeting the right people and / or replacing people with others we might find like in Alanon recovery gives me hope

I appreciate your comment and glad you found my channel!

Exciting to hear you are having these new and profound awarenesses. It is so often the case that "we go to what we know," based on our childhood conditioning. But we need not keep repeating these damaging patterns. Change is possible. Linking you to a list or resources I put together in case you see something of interest: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/

Yep. "We go to what we know..." We are conditioned to seek out the familiar and/or are re-creating our past unconsciously in order to have some kind of 'repair' experience to heal our childhood wounds - which rarely occurs.

You describe narcissistic family dynamics well. Very sorry you have had to endure such treatment.

It's sad that a child's experience in school doesn't include mandatory "Health" related topics that address Narcissism every other year starting 2cd-4th grade.

Indeed, especially when one feels disliked by their own family.

You're welcome. I had a similar experience on my wedding day decades ago. Right before I was to walk down the aisle. I didn't understand it then but realize today it was traumatizing and horrific and I was dissociated throughout the entire wedding ceremony because of it. Meaning, I can relate!

Glad you're here - and you're welcome!

Your kind words are much appreciated. A few months ago I started a new single session consultation service to get people on the right track and help with tailored resources. More information here: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/scapegoat-recovery-consultations/

Fantastic idea. My list is very long now for subscriber questions so I'm running polls and letting community members vote on which ones to cover. But it is an excellent topic for me to address at some point.

Oh man! It's too late for me. How, I wonder, would today be if... • If even ONE of the therapists my mother sent me to (to find out what was wrong with me so they'd fix me) from 13yo... would have heard beyond her narrative of me and identified me as the family scapegoat/truth-teller/empath! Oh! • If my soul and psyche would have been rescued back then... with words of compassion, strategies of survival, validation of self-worth and belief in myself, (maybe even foster care!) • If I had been capable then - of not being convinced myself that it was me..and I didn't belong because I was unlovable. (from my parents' manipulative brainwashing, shaming, blaming, absence of nurturing, v/m/p abuse,..all of it...and more! • If I hadn't been such an adaptable, perfectly cooperative scapegoat. So trained, so convinced, that I became a perfect target for the malignant narcissist who I was engaged to in a month! This was back in the traditional day and when he charmingly, romantically asked my father if he could take me as his wife, "jokingly" my father replied: "If you promise not to give her back". I was 30! I'd been on my own since 20, and successful Advertising Exec in DC! 600+ miles from home! What the fuck!? For our wedding we filled over 80 rooms in a Victorian Era inn close to my hometown with 300 family and friends for a 3-day weekend. Payed for the wedding expenses alone, not traditionally by the brides family. Being I was 30, (an old-maid back then) this was a reason to celebrate...finally I was really loved by the man of my dreams...primarily a man my father and brother would find acceptable. THE NIGHT BEFORE OUR VOWS in the inn's private dining room, my husband unconsciously went to light a cigarette. Kind and meek, a lightly reminded him the dining room was non-smoking. No big deal... But in front of my eyes this man transformed in a second. "NOBODY tells me what to do. Especially not you!" An unfamiliar threatening voice full of rage and hate and rejection. That's the moment he showed his true being... • If only I would have called off the wedding. 2 years later, he abandoned me, our baby daughter and 4 day old son. completely MIA for 25 years and counting. I raised my daughter & son alone (at 40 I had a daughter "out of wedlock...another black checkmark) vowing to never trust myself to choose a man again) With all my best efforts and intentions they were raised under the attachment parenting style by me alone. (NO support from family!) We lived in quaint rural poverty..but they knew they were loved every moment with no conflict, no broken spirit...(I broke the chain!) and at best provided for humbly but stablely and with out want or need. But my father's influence on them, his narrative of me...(depressing, no-self worth, broken, ruined, etc... has now been adopted by my daughters..i am again rejected by the ones I love more than life itself. Validation again. It's too late to be hopeful anymore..ill be 60 next month. They won't be celebrating with me. At least, dare I say, my 25yo son loves me...at least. Until I found you Rebecca, ( this weekend) I still believed my family and myself...how unworthy of love I must be.. everyone abandons me But you have given me a view i never conceivedof... BTW... i went no contact on Dec. 9th. Thanks all you loving empathic beings for reading my story. Love, ImaginarySusan

Sometimes they still won't see the truth about someone and will continue projecting onto the scapegoated child / adult child.

@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I know that somewhere deep in my mother's psyche, she understands that her narcissistic daughter is severely damaged. But for her to acknowledge that fact, she would have to accept responsibility for the damage, and the systemic dysfunction. She just can't go there. She would crumble. Hence.....the need for a scapegoat. I now accept there is absolutely nothing I can do to change that.

😅🤣

These unconscious defense mechanisms are very often intractable, sadly.

Amen Ditto

A beautiful dream. Thank you for the blessing.

You're welcome, Katie!

Good to hear. You may also want to read my introductory book on this form of abuse (FSA), 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'.

It really is - Thank you!

So very sorry to hear this. Linking you to a list of resources I put together for FSA adult survivors in case you see something of interest: @lenat7198

You're welcome, Jen!

Yes, we do often go to what we know, as I explain in this video. But now you know better (!)

You're welcome - I'm glad you found a helpful "nugget" in this one!

Inspiring story - thank you for sharing this part of your FSA recovery journey with us.

Thanks for listening.

I'm glad you do. Now you are making me think of someone I once dated many years ago who did that same kind of stare...It eventually ended with me having to get a restraining order (!)

Oof, glad you handled it! 💛@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse

Dominance staring. To establish dominance

Yes!!! I was questioned recently by someone as to why i didnt make much eye contact when we met.... This was a male coworker. i never trusted him then and still don't though we are still "friends". The eye contact dominance is a real thing!

Be yourself courageous and understanding and lovingly express her precious worth to you. Tell her how sorry you are for her abuse ( her pain..her yearning for acceptance and nurturing love...EVERYTHING you are now aware of that she witnessed her siblings enjoying while she was ignored. Invite her to be special to you...Don't be insincere, don't be inconsistent, don't let her down please, include her in your life, share your children, and dear friends, experiences, thoughts, happiness, welcome her Forever and whenever she's ready into your fold. Protect her. Stand up for her.. and refuse to hear repeat or accept comments that support the asshole family members stand up against them for her. Let her know. Have her back! (She succumbed long ago... her hopeful spirit accepted her fate and lost faith in hope. ) But her chest still feels permanently heavy and pained and her heart still beats even as it is broken. (She fears it will abandon her too.. unexpectedly stopping finally against her secret silent will to hold on at least long enough to just feel what it feels like - for even a moment, to not be forgotten. unnoticed. unremembered. To be thought of fondly, remembered on her birthday, invited. included. ...anywhere, anytime. To be held when her pent-up despair and sorrow betray her. When her head shouts louder of her insignificance than the whisper of unfamiliar joy she hardly recognizes stirs slightly in her heart. Thank her. Appreciate her. Protect her. from doubt. from fear. from memories. from loneliness, solidified in time. Ask her to forgive the you who hurt her. to forget what you didn't know. Have patience, be gentle. (She's as strong and fragile the an ornament of spun glass. Remind her YOUR LOVE is forever it won't go away. I know that's quite alot. It just my own dreams really. The things I myself desperately yearned for ... still. As a forever-scape-goat.. Bless you

Are you really from Morocco? I've made a friend there ... from 10 years ago now... im coming there soon to visit...maybe even to run away..far away from my "ex" family. Maybe we will know each other and meet someday!? ...such a scapegoat I am. Always trying to make connections.

Yes, indeed. And I plan to do a dedicated video on exactly this, including the PNI!

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse very cool, looking forward to watching. I took the self-assessment and scored highly on the vulnerable narcissistic traits side. Having been scapegoated by my covert NPD mom this freaked me out. After reading through the abstract (but without access to the full paper >:0 ) I interpreted my results as being consistent with a borderline personality structure because of lower than average exploitative and self-sacrificing self enhancing traits. I'm still undiagnosed with BPD (do have clinical diagnosis of CPTSD) but am virtually certain that I have it and that I inherited the genetic component from my father. None of the men on my father's side can tolerate stress. It creates a lot of cognitive dissonance knowing that I may misinterpret neutral cues as negative, but also knowing that I was scapegoated and misunderstood. Not seeking support from you or anything as I'm in an awesome IOP program right now, but thought it might be good to mention that if a viewer takes the PNI and comes back with vulnerable narcissistic traits that doesn't necessarily mean they therefore have NPD. Thank you for your videos and research!

You're most welcome. I've been conversing with another subscriber on the need for better categories and criteria in the DSM when it comes to NPD. Do you have any thoughts on that, given how you view your intrapsychic dynamics?

​@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Unfortunately I don't have a full copy of the DSM-5 so can't make a truly informed comment. I'd imagine there are all sorts of differentiating factors, comorbid conditions, etc. which complicate diagnosis. While I don't necessarily disagree with the 9 traits listed in dsm-5, I do believe the categorical system of traits is not a rich enough way to capture the nuances of NPD and that a person with BPD could be confused with covert NPD easily if factors like stability of identiy or self-sabotaging behaviors are not taken into account. I personally like the idea of a multi-dimensional model with Cluster-B being classed as a wide variety of maladaptive post traumatic stress responses. Improved diagnostics would help clinicians better individualize care based on these maladaptive responses/traits. Just my two cents as a patient of course!

I'd say this most certainly is an FSA recovery success story - and a most profound one! This is called WISDOM. It sounds like you are now developing a critical aspect of this ability to 'listen within': Discernment. Thank you for this valuable comment that I hope many will take the time to read, and for letting me know you found this video helpful.

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Thank you!

Worse, they typically believe their own act.

Glad the video was helpful - And yes, a need for approval and high rejection sensitivity is understandably typical with most (not all) FSA adult survivors.

Hard to say, but it may be wise to look for support groups that feel healthier to you!

Tks Rebecca a healthier environment is what I need 😊 I've noticed myself zoning out when I get home a familiar feeling of dissociation & drained the next day. It's as you say we unconsciously go to what we know 😨 I've learned the reason why birds of a feather flock together & although I got to improve my social skills it's not the method of peer support that I was looking for 👎

Vetting - and far more education and training - is needed on these forms of 'invisible' abuse - particularly family scapegoating abuse.

Once you see it, you can't unsee it. Glad you got out of there.

So very sorry; we FSA adult survivors can be very vulnerable to predatory people, especially when young; I plan to do a video on this at some point. I went through this myself, btw.

That would be great! I learned hard truths from that experience and i see yellow flags and heed then now. Learning to trust again is another story. id love to hear yours!

Good point about the possible perils of online / distance dating. Thank you.

Important realizations. Yes, it is wise to be wary of what I call "Insta-Friendships" (!)

Often the case, unfortunately. Particularly if the narcissism is covert.

I did address it somewhat in this video but it is on the narcissistic family system. See what you think - some of your issues are addressed there: kzfaq.info/get/bejne/m7icf7qr1aewpWg.html

Yes, I watched this video a few months ago and it was very helpful!! Thank you for posting content on this subject. My family of origin is ruled by a narcissistic mother. So it’s exactly on par with what I needed to learn more about. Still, I often wonder how dynamics in the family change overtime when the family scapegoat is gone/free. No contact is about self respect, protection, and preservation for the scapegoat but it’s usually the last resort and often not what the scapegoat wishes for or wants to happen - most people can’t understand how anyone can cut ties with their entire family but it’s usually the result of unimaginable abuse for many, many years. It’s tough to explain to most outsiders - they cannot contemplate or understand the gravity of the situation. I am searching for more resources as I go through this difficult journey of no contact and hopefully heal from deep family trauma/wounds. Thank you for all you do to help!!💕

I do have a page on resources that have helped my clients on my website in the menu at scapegoatrecovery.com.

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Thank you!!🩷🩷🩷

Thanks for sharing - such wonderful news!

Yes, you can feel like an insect on a petri dish burning under the hot glare of lights with these people. Meaning, the malignant narcissist will often mine their human prey for information so they can manipulate their chosen target more effectively.

Reminds me of that good old saying..( If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport)!!! 😅🤣

@OnlyOneName wow - sorry to hear this...maybe legal action?

Most of my activity is on my Substack now - Here's an article on malignant narcissism that I recently posted there: familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/understanding-malignant-narcissism. You may want to subscribe to my Substack Newsletter as well (free - paid subscribers can access private community features): familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/about

Glad to help! You may also want to read my book on this form of abuse, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'. Many find it helpful.

Good to hear - and you're welcome!

You're so welcome - thanks for watching!

Good to hear. I hope you find my book helpful.

Very insightful and thoughtful comment. Thank you for taking the time to share with us here.

You are so welcome!