5 Steps to Discipline using Gentle but Firm Approach
1. Set a limit clearly - If your toddler is testing and pushing your limits, it is a clear signal that your child needs some rules and boundaries. So setting clear limits is number 1 step in disciplining.
Kids need absolutely clear boundaries to feel safe and there need to be consequences if they push the boundaries and do not follow the rules.
For instance, if your child drops food or play with it. Simply put the food away. If your child is upset..simply say... I understand, you are upset. We will be eating again soon.
Another example is if your child throws toys or puts them into mouth. Move the toy away setting clear limit that toys are not to be thrown or put into mouth.
2. Acknowledge desires or feelings - If your child is upset due to a set boundary, acknowledge their feelings.
For instance, if your toddler hits and you stop him by holding his hand and telling him..I won't let you hit. And if this upsets your toddler..acknowledge his feelings. I know you are upset but I cannot let you hit your big sister. It hurts!
3. Follow through - Be prepared to take action if your child does not listen to you.
Do not give too many chances. If you give too many chances, you push yourself further than you can handle, which results in yelling and screaming, so follow through immediately.
Follow immediately is what Janet suggests in the book however I use 3 strike rule. First time I set a clear boundary....second time is warning and 3rd time is taking action.
Eg. If you toddler puts something in mouth and you dont want him to. Set rule "I dont want you to put stick in your mouth".
If he still do, warm him "I will have to take this away if you still putting it in mouth".
If it happens 3rd time...Calmly take it away.
If your toddler cries, acknowledge that "I know you want to put this stick in your mouth but its not safe". Let the tantrum pass.
If you do not follow through what you say at this age than think about when they will grow up and turn into teenagers. They will not listen and never take you seriously.
There has to be consequence as long as the consequence is fair. Do not use punishments as consequences as punishments are petty, instead maintain your calm and take away a previledge like no screen time today, or if they drop food..lunch time is over!
So following through is very important step in disciplining kids. Even if that means that you have to leave all groceries at the pay counter, pick your crying toddler and leave, just to teach them a lesson.
● Few other examples of following through:
- Holding your child’s hands as she tries to hit
- Removing an unsafe object from her hands
- Putting toys or objects away
- Moving your child out of a situation in which she’s stuck testing
● Discipline mistakes - yelling, not setting limits early enough, not following through.
4. Accept your child’s negative response - If your child cries and throws a tantrum because of your follow through, just be patient and calm and let the crying pass, just like a storm.
5. Reconnect - Once your child stops crying, acknowledge your child's feelings again.
For example, my 3 year old daughter gives me a hard time everyday at afternoon naptime. She does not want to sleep, neither want to play independently while I put my 20 months old for an afternoon nap. Also if she herself does not sleep, evenings are full of meltdown cries. So I have set a clear limit that no matter what you have to take nap in afternoon.
She cried for few days, was put to another room till her tantrum pass as I dont want my 20 months old to wake up and start crying too and after few rough sessions, she now understands her expectations and follow my directions.
Handling these situations with empathy and acceptance will pre-empt the cycle and prevent them from becoming a daily occurrence.
Dont hold the grudge or think your child is bad or misbehaving. Forget about the incident and reconnect with your child.
● If your toddler Screams and yells, we cannot prevent such occurances. Our children control these actions. However, by underreacting we can deactivate these “buttons” so that children quickly lose interest in pushing them. So do not over-react.