Shout out to my sunburn!

if you are unsure about coming out, consider this - it is okay to lie or practice deception to keep yourself safe. transphobes do not deserve your truth. stay safe

I've been putting of coming out to my family for months, how dare you call me out like this. In other news: I've successfully convinced my mom that a binder is just a weird sportsbra. 9/20/21 Update: I came out and they're accepting : )

Im a kid (ftm) and I have asked my friend if I can go to her house if it backfires and her parents have agreed, aaaa I love those people 😭😭😭😭

i'm 25 and only just coming to terms with being transmasculine. i'm disabled and have high support needs so i'm absolutely terrified of coming out to my family in case they take it badly, but i don't know how much longer i can live like this. i think the closet has been glass for years but putting it into words for them is a scary process. this video has helped a lot in how i could maybe go around this, but it is unbelievably scary for me. i know though that i can't begin to even socially transition until my family knows i'm trans. i'm already out to my friends though and thankfully they've all been supportive

I'm just a gay (seemingly straight) male who had his first bf at 16. Most of my male cousins are gay. Our (UK) family never had a problem with it. Neither did any of my straight friends. I have no horror stories about coming out. I'm very happy right now and I wish everyone else (here or otherwise) could be too. ;) xx

I never even heard of that example about Scythians, and now I’m just fascinated that such an old culture essentially figured out a form of HRT centuries before modern medicine.

if i hadn’t been so worried about my family and becoming a complete outcast i wouldn’t’ve gone through multiple repression cycles and could’ve at least accepted myself years ago. advice like this would’ve been a life saver for little 12 year old me all those years ago

I’m a 17-year-old non-binary person and this video gave me a lot of hope for when I inevitably come out! Thank you so much!! 💛🤍💜🖤

Sending this to my trans masc husband who's just now starting this process. This couldn't have come at a better time, thank you. ❤️❤️

That necklace is so pretty to look at So shiny

You always have such amazing advice, I'm sending this to a few of my friends who have been figuring themselves out lately and might want to come out to people other than me. Also the horse piss for tiddies example was both incredibly powerful and hilarious the way you phrased it!

Thank you, this was really helpful. One thing I'm personally struggling with currently is figuring out if I want to medically transition in a relationship that might potentially break if I choose to do so. It just adds another layer to questioning if I want to transition, as if figuring that out isn't already hard enough. It's really difficult to find out you're trans and realize that it ends up affecting a lot more of your life than you initially expected, losing people being a big one ofc. But I really appreciated you saying that your wellbeing as a trans person and being true to yourself is, in the end, the most important thing, and will make you happier than forcing yourself to stay in a relationship or friendship. I will definitely have to think about that one for a while

I just came out as non-binary to my friend and she accepted me. I always felt extremely uncomfortable when I was a child in school whenever the teacher divided the class into the binary genders and I never understood why. I kept pretending to be a boy and thought that if I kept telling myself I was a boy that i wouldn't feel so uncomfortable. But no matter how many times I told myself I was a boy, I kept feeling as if I wasn't a boy. But now I'm too scared to ask people to use they/them because I'm afraid I'll become invalidated. I guess I have to keep pretending as if I'm ok with he/him in public because I'm not sure if I'm ready to tell the world yet.

Your advice is line with what the Trevor Project suggests. I came out to my family by writing a letter. It was best option available to me. It ended out being ok in the end. My family isn’t happy about it, but I shrug it off since I can’t make everyone happy and it’s not my job to anyway.

My ex partner accused me of pretending to be trans in order to have an excuse to break up with him ... That was fun ... At least all my other coming outs so far went ok. I also socially transitioned when I started college without telling anyone in my family for another year and a half so I had a lot of practice explaining stuff to people by that time.

I knew I was trans when I was 13. I’m 17 now and I’ve still yet to come out 🙃

I came out to a lot of long time friends during two of theirs wedding (doing it face to face in 2020). One of them replied with something similar to: You have always been that (nb), right? Not as a question but as a statement! It made me soo happy!!

Very true about the point that coming out never really stops. As we meet & interact with new people (friends, colleagues, lovers) we come out again & again. And it does get easier. Im now way more comfortable asking that people use they/them pronouns for me than i was two years ago before i started my current job.

This video is coming out at a particularly relevant time for me; I'm working on how to come out to a group of close friends and to my mother before my birthday next week. I've already come out to a few other people before so I have support, but... it's still really difficult. I was writing a letter to that group of friends and realized that, really... I'd been writing it to one of them in particular who I'm most worried will not understand. Part of me wants to send it to all of them in a "fire and forget" kind of way, but I realize that's the anxiety speaking. As for my mother... I still really don't know. But I don't think I can handle another birthday pretending to be who I'm not, forcing myself to smile at receiving birthday wishes for someone who isn't really me. I'm an adult, so I'm not worried about my safety, but... I still really want to do it right. I have support from my father and friends who already know, and it's helping a lot, but it's still stressful to the point of being disruptive. Sorry for the rambling, I do want to say I really appreciate the video and a lot of the tips ring true to the times I previously came out. I guess the one thing I feel compelled to add is with regards to people with conspiratorial tendencies: In my experience, people who fall in that category tend to have heavily reactionary views, even if they're not overt about all of them, and, I don't know how likely historical facts like the one you quoted (which was really interesting and awesome, btw!) are going to reach them. Conspiratorial thinking, as I understand it, works backwards from the conclusion(s) to arrive at (or more accurately, to select) its beliefs, so if a core part of their current worldview is... well, the kinds of things reactionaries believe about trans people, there may be no argument, story, fact, etc. which can lead them to a different conclusion; anything that doesn't agree with them can easily be dismissed in the same way any evidence contradicting their conspiracies (The media/science/government are being controlled and disseminating false info, etc.). I think people like that are those who I'd feel least safe coming out to, and I'd only do so if I felt very confident that I could reach them on a human/emotional level that might bypass their usual way of processing information. To be clear, I'm no expert on the topic; I'm speaking mainly from experience having had to deal with a couple different past co-workers who were heavily into conspiracy theories, which got me to do some reading on conspiratorial thinking years ago (and admittedly with Dan Olson/Folding Ideas' In Search of a Flat Earth essay still fresh on my mind). If anyone has experience that contradict this or more reliable/ accurate info on the topic, I'd love to hear about it. Anyway, just wanted to throw that out there. Thanks for doing what you do!

Great tips. It is such a tough thing to do, but like you said, we do get practice at it whether we want to or not! My strategy is usually to accidentally say things that out myself and then follow it up later! Not ideal for coming out to my spouse, but worked fine for my coworkers!

This was perfectly timed - I was just trying to figure out how to come out as trans/non-binary to my friends now that lockdown has been lifted and we might be allowed back in the office soon. I always appreciate your calm way of saying things without sugar coating it too much, thank you

I've been on T for 7 months now and the only people that know are my brother and friends. Hopefully I'll have enough courage to come out as non-binary to my parents when I come home for the summer.

Seriously, thank you so much for having this channel. Also I love the way you think and how reasonable and polite you are.

About that first part (around 2:05)... Don't lose hope. When I told my family I wasn't the gender they thought I was, they wanted to send me off to a mental institution. Fast forward ten years, they're using my pronouns Also, back then I went to school and I was bullied every day by both teachers and students. Now I go to college and nobody, absolutely nobody, ever comments on my looks

Hey Lux, super interesting about that historical example of people who definitely were going through great lengths to essentially medically transition. I think showing that trans and nb people aren't just something from the past 100 years or so is really valuable. My only caution with that story is that it can get dangerously close to arguments demeaning trans people for "harming" their bodies, or likening transition to something "gross". The only other historical trans/ish person I can think of is the Public Universal Friend. There's gotta be lists or books of people throughout history who were likely trans or nb.

I've been out to my friends as a nonbinary lesbian for a while now - I'm hoping to tell my mom about my gender identity soon so she can address me with he/him pronouns and understand me better!! I'll edit this comment when I work up the courage :)

To everyone who's considering coming out: Kudos to you! Whether you're able to realize it in the near future or later, be proud of being brave enough to prioritize yourself. That's already a major step! Like Luxander said, be cautious.... your safety is the most important thing. Once you can have that guaranteed, I hope you're met with love and affection! To everyone who is afraid to come out and might even feel suspicious about doing so: that's ok too, it's understandable if you don't want to do it. Maybe it's fear driving you or maybe you really don't feel the urge to come out. Either way, take your time and assume whatever is most comfortable for you! You don't need to justify your path. It's already a win for us all that you're here doing whatever you want! A big hug to you all 💛

I came out as trans (MtF) a week ago, got kicked out and am now living with a friend. I am okay and doing well, just shocked as my parents promised me from since I was young I would always be theirs and they would always love me.

I really needed this. Thank you for sharing this

I’ve lived four years in my house in the closet and I’m really tired of it. I’m trans(genderqueer) and panromantic, I wanna come out so bad!! But my parents are religiously homophobic, and there’s no hope there. Currently I’m fighting the urge to come out and promptly leave, I’m eighteen, and I’m tired of being here as someone I’m not. But at the same time I know it’s not a smart idea even tho I have friends whose doors are open for me. Inside me there are two wolves. btw im open to advice^^

Thank you, Luxander. You are super smart and compassionate together, as well as just so nice!

Thanks. Nice video, Luxander. Appreciate it!

I've been suppressing my identity for so long and your advice has helped me so much. I'm a new subscriber c:

ty for making this video. I've been preparing to come out for a long time and your video is going to really help me once I feel I'm ready.

This is great advice. Thank you for making this

I've just been acting like I already came out rather than doing so... I should.... probably take a few steps back and properly tell people what's going on with me. This is going to be super useful. Thanks for posting this.

I often have something to correct and almost always something to add but not to what you said here. Perfection.

Thanks, this video is really comforting

Thank you for this video. I've been struggling to decide how to come out to my parents for a few months now and this was helpful. Of course there's only so much one can say about how to come out, but I value your thoughts/opinions and I'm happy you shared with us.

People who don't like Nathalie Wynn don't understand the concept of nuance.

im not gay but i needed this

this video came at the perfect time for me, thank you. the tips on asking them about trans public figures is such a good idea since i have no idea if my parents are really transphobic or not. but one of the first things they did when i came out as bi to them last year was to question if i was really bi, so i feel like im going to need all the preparation i can get when i tell them about my gender stuff.

I really appreciate this. It’s cool to just be gathering info during the process even if a single video doesn’t launch me into the next step. Also I didn’t want to reply to your Twitter because the people who I am thinking about coming out to are the ones following me and it would have ruined the tips you gave for them to have just figured it out from that alone 😩

i’ve gotten myself into a dumb position where i’ve been transitioning for over 2 years now and am socially transitioned everywhere but work. I’ve started coming out to people over the last month and i’m gonna fully transition soon i think. it’s just gotten to the point where it’s confusing for me, and changing my voice back and forth is hindering my progress. I know i gotta do it but it’s just hard :/ that’s all, just spilling my thoughts i guess :p. thanks for wishing me an ok day, i hope you have one too :D

Thank you, sir!

Dear Luxander, thanks for this video. Ideally appreciate your content and your thoughts on different topics. This video was so helpful, because I think a lot about coming out as nonbinary-trans at the moment and I will really try out some of your suggestions.

Thank you so much for this video! It was super helpful :)

youre the best luxander, idk if you ever meant this but youre really helping me to try and be the best allie i can be to my trans brothers and sisters. iv only known a hand full of trans people personally, the internet is wonderful that i can learn about be better by listening to you.

Thank you for this. Like all your videos, it was really helpful ♥️

These are great advice, thank you! I was thinking about coming out to all my 5 favorite university friends at once. Now I might tell one at the time hahahhaha

Thank you for this vid - I've been having gender feels (always in the spring?) and been thinking about being more open about my identity - I've mentioned it before, but I don't feel like people get it, or take it seriously, if that makes sense. But it was particularly heartening to hear that you have a mostly cis-het male partner, that accepted you and worked through things with you, as I have the same kind of partner. Since the beginning, I've been open about questioning my gender, but certain aspects have made him uncomfortable (packers and penis shit making him feel ways about his own genitalia) while other things have been positive, like assuring me transition wouldn't remind him of bad people earlier in his life. I'm still nervous about everything, but hearing your success gives me hope that we can weather through things. We've been together 5 years, so hearing you've been with your partner 11 makes me really happy for you, and hopeful for myself ^_^

This is such good advice. I wanted to come out to a friend as nonbinary a couple of months ago, but I was worried he would react badly. I first asked him (via message) what his opinions are on nonbinary identities. I was very glad I asked. We're not friends any more. But my two other very close friends are amazingly supportive, and my family are cool about it too.

Thank you for this post

Perfect timing as I have not come out about my gender or my sexuality to a few key family members and am weighing different options before I present my final project in front of people who mostly all know me as queer and agender. Good to think about. Thank you 💜

I love your video,so much Great tips👍👍👍

So at September I came out to my mom as transmasc, she said she understood me but she said she'll call me a guy when I'm finally 18, and that's probably because my dad is religiously homophobic so but she calls me a he in private and kept it a secret!! For my dad? I didn't come out but he said that my sister who is bisexual was a bad influence to me but I found lgbtq before she found out she was bi 😭😭... And plus he's religiously homophobic I am so glad my mom supports me, I hope other people's parents support them too

Sorry to disturb the mood here but I'm watching this without sound but with the autogenerates subtitles and they just said "i want to make you sick with me, little miss" and now I can't stop laughing.

Found your KZfaq. Subscribed it because you are doing a very good job with the themes on your videos. Best regards from Lisbon, Portugal 🇵🇹 HAPPY PRIDE MONTH 🌈

Thanks for mentioning the Scythians. I was an intensely queer-phobic Conservative Evangelical for 30 years before coming out to myself, and it actually helped me process the idea to find that the Scythians are mentioned in the New Testament as a particularly "barbarous" heathen tribe, whose culture has now been blessed and accepted by God (Col 3:11). That passage is closely parallel to another one that explicitly says "there is no male and female" (Gal 3:28), so that really hit home to me that Paul may have been obliquely referring to the "scandalous" reputation of the Scythians among the hypo-patriarchal Greeks, for socially recognizing female warriors and trans-femme eunuchs. Anyway... that broke through some of my mental block, as a Bible-thumper.

Something I learned sense coming out 2 months ago. Queer history is waaaay more interesting than cis/het history.

I'm a new subscriber and have been watching some of your old videos lately. The timing of this is extremely convenient as I am going to a new school next year and am hoping to come out this summer so that I can go by my preferred name (Piper) at school. I use she/they pronouns and was afab so I'm not trans, but this advice was still very useful. I've always had a talent for writing so I think I'll go with the letter approach. Thanks for using your platform to educate others and give valuable advice. You've helped me a lot.

22:29 why did I think of when you're playing a game and enter the boss fight without talking to any of the npcs 😭

I stopped the video at 1:23 to say that you are friggin brilliant. Holy cow....

I deadass just sent them an email last night and I couldn’t sleep and my freaking heart is racing

18:40 That makes a lot of sense, I see it like this too

Hi. I just found you because of your videos on Natalie. Thank you! Your videos are great! Regarding conspiracy theorists: People believe in conspiracies because these are tools to deal with their fears. The theories explain things and put meaning on things that would otherwise be overwhelming and not understandable. So indeed, using scientific arguments doesn't help. But you can get to them with your emotions if you have a somewhat good relationship with them. They will change their theories in a way that fits their needs. These theories are not fixed, they are just tools do deal with emotions, especially fear. These peopel can probably relate to your personal feelings more than to any abstract arguments, science or historic events. This is also one reason why testing the waters by asking about opinions on famous trans people will not say much about their future support. People react quite differently to their family and friends than they do about strangers; oftentimes they adapt their opinions if it's someone they love. Many people who trash talked about trans people before I came out to them are now my biggest supporters. On the contrary, I have some people who claimed to be very supportive but couldn't deal well with me being trans. With that said: It's still a good conversation starter for coming out because it prepares the others for topic. If they are reacting not so well, you can decide to not do it yet, but keep coming up with the topic. They will eventually realize that this is somewhat important to you and might be better prepared emotionally. The big risk with this approach is that it might create a toll on you if they don't react that great; and you might decide to stall coming out for longer than you like.

brb gotta get decoration for my closet

Their name is SICK I love it

I'm coming out as GenderQueer to the Employee Service Rep at work today 🤞😬🤞

I am a trans person and I dont care about acceptance all I care about is being me.

Here's a comment for the algorithm

Not me just now finding out you use ey/em pronouns. I probably just didn't notice and you've been using it for ages, face palming right now.

Thank you SO much!!

I'm not planning to come out to my family bc we are not close and I know they won't be supportive so why put myself through that? They have no right to know what I look like naked so my physical transition is none of their business.

Thanks for this vid👍. I want to come out as NB to my family really bad but I'm only 16. I just got a job with the excuse of trying to save up for a car. While I do want a car, it will also give me a financial backup if the whole thing doesnt work out in the next year. Hopefully it goes well though. I think I will try the letter approach when it comes down to it. Btw, your voice and look is gender expression goals. Obviously T isnt an option for me rn but one day I hope my voice can sound more like yours. 💕

was anyone else looking at the captions cause they are fun

Jeez you really called me out here. I'm delaying coming out as nonbinary to my parents until I'm fully decided on pronouns and whether I want to change my name. I want something more gender neutral but my first and middle name are my maternal and paternal grandmothers' names so I feel like my parents will be hurt if I tell them I don't want to be called that anymore. I dont think they'll care too much about the gender or pronouns part, but the name is going to be an issue

If you work somewhere where communication frequently happens via email, putting pronouns in your email signature can be a good way to subtly let a lot of people know without having to come out to all of them in person. Of course, same caveats apply about if you're in a generally conservative work environment where people might not react well. I've done this at my work at a large academic institution, and people have responded really well! Some people even correct themselves or others on my pronouns without me having ever talked to them about it in person!

how do you work through figuring out that you are trans and it isn’t internalised misogyny? i struggle so much with that doubt, and alongside a few other things it has been keeping me from considering myself to be trans :,)

I've thought about this recently, and for one reason I haven't done this. My grandparents. I feel that even if I were to come out to my parents now, it's going to be really awkward with my grandparents. They are the type of people to overexaggerate even the smallest things. If I were to come out trans to my grandparents too, which starts with me coming out to my parents, I can't imagine how they will be. I wouldn't be able to get a break. I have given hints to my parents, especially my sister, but at the point which I'm at right now, I don't think I can do it, even though I have already came out to others, such as friends.

I’m going to come out to my mom through a google slide presentation

Hey pretty young and i think im a trans guy im gonna tell my mom tomorrow. I told her i was a lesbian a couple months ago and she was fine with it so i think she will react pretty well

I've been in closet for 5 long years. One day I will come out 😔

When the alternative is everyone loses you FOREVER, coming out starts sounding like "yes, and?" Don't panic Know when to leave Say less

Me: abt to come out as non binary My dad: people are always coming out. Like jeez i could identify as a zeebra Me: well nevermind then

12:21 **smacks lips** worth it 🍻

Just came out as nonbinary a few weeks ago to my friends and partner 🥳. They took it well, still need to come out to family. They’re accepting of me being omnisexual, very much actually. But NB, i wonder...

Hey thanks, I'm pretty sure I'm trans but im not really sure tho I have come out to my parents and two close friends who r supportive. My parents ill probably have to come out multiple times or at least continue to explain it lol, they totes don't really get it. Anyway your videos are always totes helpful to me

I just want to mention that sometimes your family can be transphobic and homophobic without you necessarily being at risk of being disowned in any capacity. I know such is the case for me bc my fam are evangelical christians for the most part, but I am highly highly confident that they would never abandon me for my gender or sexuality. The worst they would do is just think it's a phase or I'll get over it or being nonbinary isn't a real thing. However, at the end of the day it's true that I don't fully know how they would react bc people can always surprise you, I just don't see them throwing our relationship away for something so trivial.

this is very helpful for me bc im soon to turn 16 and i’ve wanted to come out to my family so i can get gonadotropin, and i think i might know how now at least

Even though I'm an adult on my own I probably will never tell my family. They are super traditional and religious conservative. Oh well, sometimes we are dealt crappy cards in life..

Also if you need to come out to a group of people, singeling out the ones, that will be supportive beforehand so they can be the first to react when you tell everyone kind of works, nobody wants to be that one asshole so peer pressure can help. Also compliment sandwitches! At least this is what worked for me.

"what do you think about Elliot page" is such a normal thing to ask in a relationship, and is something totally normal to ask casually that won't give any indicators at all.

Hello, i want to ask a question... is it okay for me to come out as trans as a way of getting kicked out? Ive been pretty sure im trans for a really long time, more than 3 years (im 16), and in all that time ive been on a living hell living with my grandmother, she's verbally and psycologically abusive, has threatened my safety many times and is extremely controlling over me and my stuff (goes over my room almost everyday while im a school, doesnt let me go out with any openly queer people, gives away my clothes and personal items without asking, etc.), ive tried to go live with either of my parents but cps doesnt let me nor believe what i tell them about my grandmother, and both my siblings became 18 in the last years (they both are supportive of me as trans and bi). So, my actual question here is: is it correct for me to use my transness as a way to get kicked out of my toxic household (trying to piss out my legal guardian enough for her to hit me) and go live somewhere else?

thanks, i was gonna come out when i turn 14 by playing cavetown but i do think it would be smarter to write a letter lol

In america, is it legal to be kicked out? I come from another country and I'm super curious because I've heard histories on the internet where american childrens get kicked out beacause of their gender etc.

It made me smile on the one "things can go badly"

Idgaf if my “friends” doesn’t support me! I wanna be who I am and I will be. If they don’t, who said they were my friend? All the “friends” I have is toxic, non-caring, people around me. They rlly didn’t ask! Cos’ I know I do not have any REAL friends, only online on social media.

In terms of coming out to partners and processing what that might mean for the relationship, this episode of the Other People's Problems podcast (a show where people share their therapy sessions) might be useful to some people. The people in this episode are an opposite-sex couple where the man is in the process of transitioning, and they talk about their feelings and thoughts about the process: www.cbc.ca/listen/cbc-podcasts/186-other-peoples-problems/episode/15538127-megan-and-clark-learning-how-to-be-married-all-over-again