How to Lose Friends and Alienate Yourself

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How to Lose Friends and Alienate Yourself | Aspie Tips

Рет қаралды 71,368

Күн бұрын

If you're already an expert at losing friends, you'll likely recognise yourself in a lot of these tips. Being brutally honest and unapologetically yourself, or even trying to fit in and doing what others want.... there is one thing that all these have in common, that make them effective strategies for losing friends and alienating yourself.
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Пікірлер: 909

@TheLoneVirgo 3 жыл бұрын

How to? It's a natural gift for most aspies. Done with the least amount of effort.

@Apoplectic_Spock 3 жыл бұрын

So true! Could live in complete seclusion in the forest without a pinch of loneliness. It's just too easy to be alone as an Aspy.

@SuperSouthchick 3 жыл бұрын

yup

@mariamurphy4631 3 жыл бұрын

The path of least resistance......

@Apoplectic_Spock 3 жыл бұрын

@@mariamurphy4631 That's a severe oversimplification and only fractionally true for most of us. I've strayed onto difficult roads simply out of principle and grown immensely because of it.

@RaidenPSX 3 жыл бұрын

Sure is!

@MisterCynic18 3 жыл бұрын

"Be sincere. People can tell when you're hiding your feelings and they'll dislike you for it" "But also pretend to feel things to match other people. People don't like when you're different and will reject you." So just avoid people, got it.

@_RiOnMa_ 2 жыл бұрын

😵‍💫

@ajmosutra7667 2 жыл бұрын

You CATEgorised things wrong - its important to share FEELING, but not an honest opinion that had been commented on as unwanted

@joncober8258 Жыл бұрын

i know rite, too true.

@martinkaczynski8526 Жыл бұрын

JUST AVOID PEOPLE. - THE VERY BEST ADVICE ANYONE HAS EVER GIVEN ME. - THANK-YOU.

@jonathanp___________3606 Жыл бұрын

People are complicated and their complexities ebb, flow and drift over time. If the resulting uncertainty is completely unacceptable to you, then avoiding people is probably the best way to limit your exposure. If on the other hand, you feel that deep connection is worth accepting a little of the uncertainty, while limiting how much you expose yourself to, then you might just limit your exposure to people without limiting it altogether.

@QuidamByMoonlight 3 жыл бұрын

THIS! Explains so much. A coach once told me, “You have a tendency to say what’s true instead of what’s needed.” I thought, “How is the truth not what’s needed?” I kind of got what she saying, and I’ve been turning it over in my head for YEARS. Thank you so much!

@dicta2974 2 жыл бұрын

I had to tell to my son when he was five: you can be right all play with the others. He loved playing soccer but was feeling so strong about some players being constantly unfair and he stopped playing. I am tired of following that rule my self.

@joncober8258 Жыл бұрын

NTs have an entirely different definition of truth (i.m.o.)

@pollystyrene99 Жыл бұрын

I still think truth is better, but i'm sure this is contrary to emotional intelligence principles

@jonathanp___________3606 Жыл бұрын

@@joncober8258 That's an interesting perspective. And I think it's true of a lot of NTs. There are definitely a number of definitions of truth floating around in the world, even philosophers argue about it (and I suspect a lot of them are more careful than most people.) As a neurodivergent, (ASD, ADHD, etc.) I have a pretty static view of truth, and I don't see the NT way of handling truth as incompatible with my view of truth, I just see it as a bit arbitrary. It seems like there are a lot of rules about when to share truth, and when not to, and I think most of them are centered around emotions. For example, if someone's upset with you, sharing truths that prove them wrong is greatly discouraged (not off limits, but definitely problematic). The way I make sense of the NT rules about handling truth is by thinking of them as a language for speaking kindness/rudeness/cruelty. This language doesn't just use words, it a complicated system of words, inflections, motions, and mannerisms. If you get any aspect of a communiqué wrong, it could mean something completely different--on the other side of the spectrum of kindness: rude or even cruel. There's technically, nothing wrong with not being able to speak the language, but can it ever lead to trouble! The best part of looking at it this way is that I feel like it makes sense to keep learning the language all the time, and sometimes some phrases (e.g. some combination of a word here, an inflection there, and maybe a motion in some particular manner) make a lot of sense, and I can add them to my mental phrasebook/script list for when I want to express both truth and good will. My favorite phrases are the ones where the word doesn't matter, but combining the right words can have a similar effect.

@ColargolPL Жыл бұрын

The Buddha made a point of always telling people only what is needed, while never being untruthful. He called it Skillful Means.

@thepermman 3 жыл бұрын

This was brilliant. So a summary: 1. Don't Be Abrasive 2. Let others live in denial 3. if you appear too fake then ignore rules 1 and 2. (Be genuine)

@missesAnnCooper 3 жыл бұрын

😱🤣😂🤣😂🤣 Great comment.

@alakani 3 жыл бұрын

#2 would be easier if there wasn't a plague that could have been avoided if the prevalence of psychopathy wasn't 20-fold higher among CEOs than average

@KerryNeeds 3 жыл бұрын

🤣🤣🤣 yea we be doing a public service here

@nenmaster5218 2 жыл бұрын

@@KerryNeeds Hbomberguy's last video made the autism-community proud. Seen it, i hope? Consider this info my holiday-gift for you.

@novastariha8043 2 жыл бұрын

Omgosh allowing denial just escapes me cuz I never knew until I knew I was in deep and now I can’t grasp why others don’t want off that merry go round

@ksthoughtpalace3042 3 жыл бұрын

I am a natural at losing friends and alienating myself. But thanks for the tips anyway.

@lykoe4045 3 жыл бұрын

MooD

@BandoLyrix 2 жыл бұрын

"Yoooou are naaaht-alone" Michael Jackson

@nathansmith8883 2 жыл бұрын

Whats so great about making friends if you dont made them dislike you?

@reecewatson9720 Жыл бұрын

I need to start relationships with a legitimate investigation into conflict so I can be sure we can manage our differences without avoidance or white lies...if we pass that test I know I have a real one

@littlebird3495 2 жыл бұрын

One of my biggest struggles has been coming to terms with the fact that people want to be lied to. I don’t understand it, and I find it very hard to not judge NT’s negatively for it.

@cory99998 Жыл бұрын

I have trouble sensing the boundaries here. Sometimes it's okay to do this, but sometimes it isn't. I'm now realizing that I get it wrong a lot more than I thought I did.

@wm6578 Жыл бұрын

the truth makes people feel vulnerable, ashamed, and insecure, so they usually lash out in defense, cause they interpret it as an attack

@gossamera4665 Жыл бұрын

You probably ought not to look at it in terms of absolutes, because it's very likely that there's at least some situations where you would at least unconsciously appreciate support more rather than an honest negative opinion. Positive reinforcement is more constructive than negativity, and you don't even have to lie in most cases, just rephrase and focus on the positives.

@Retrosenescent Жыл бұрын

This is an overly simplistic and incorrect belief. NTs do not appreciate lies. The truth can be communicated politely, respectfully, and kindly. It can also be communicated rudely, disrespectfully, and unkindly. Autistic people often communicate the second way without even realizing it, and NTs perceive them as rude and mean. It is extremely beneficial to learn how to communicate the first way. It has nothing to do with lying. It has to do with phrasing the truth in a way that respects the other person’s feelings OR keeping the information to yourself unless it is explicitly asked for. Often autistic people feel a compulsion to chime in with their "truth" that no one else is interested in, and this is perceived as rude, condescending, etc. There is value in asking if your listener cares about what you have to say before just blurting it out and potentially destroying your relationship with them. A simple "Hey, this is a topic that I have done a lot of reading and research on. Would you be interested in hearing my thoughts on it?" goes a long way. If people are honest, the answer will usually be no. Unfortunately people are not always honest, so you need other strategies too, like asking them every few minutes if they're still interested in hearing more. An NT person naturally does this by analyzing the other person's body language, tone of voice, etc., and picks up on when the other person is no longer interested and stops talking about that topic. An unaware autistic person NEVER does this and just keeps talking. In that situation, the social contract has been broken - you're not respecting the other person's feelings and are just attacking them with your monologuing. There are so many other things too that I'm not going to get into because this comment is already very long. But making assumptions about NT people such as "NT people like being lied to" is one of the worst things you can do. Not only are you completely wrong, you're also alienating yourself from NTs, which is nearly everyone.

@isimonsez Жыл бұрын

It’s called having tact and if you are oblivious to it, it’s no wonder why you struggle to make and maintain friends

@Cheesblenders4all 3 жыл бұрын

The long awaited sequel to the bestseller "How to win friends and influence people

@jenmorricone4014 3 жыл бұрын

After listening to this video, I needed that!! Thanks!

@giftedgreen2152 3 жыл бұрын

As a child my grandfather offered me a dollar a page to read “how to make friends and influence people”. I read the first page and told him to keep his dollar.

@karaa7595 3 жыл бұрын

I just bought this book because my son is 5.5 and I have to teach him how to be socially normal. Other than that not my cup of tea.

@marmac83 3 жыл бұрын

@@giftedgreen2152 I don't blame you.

@TheLoneVirgo 3 жыл бұрын

@@giftedgreen2152 Excellent comment! It's never about money for Aspies... It's always about what makes your brain entertained and comfortable.

@rubixmonkey0839 3 жыл бұрын

"Aspies don't get sarcasm" Paul: hold on to your hats people

@krugerfuchs 3 жыл бұрын

Some of us do

@rubixmonkey0839 3 жыл бұрын

@@krugerfuchs yes :) and this entire video is an example of it

@Meira750 3 жыл бұрын

Paul was so funny in this one. I was laughing all the way thru because it was so true.

@Satan666Official 3 жыл бұрын

I did learn sarcasm, and I rarely miss it, but I myself don't use it in case someone else may take it literally. My sense of humor is centered in witty puns and impersonations 🤣.

@Meira750 3 жыл бұрын

@@Satan666Official So I hope your name is one of them :)

@Villevann 3 жыл бұрын

"When you want to acknowledge something, and the people around you don't want to acknowledge it, it can be really frustrating. Especially because it feels like they are negating reality, and I know from my own personal experience, I just want everyone to agree on the reality of the sitiation, it makes me feel more secure when everyone can see the same thing, and we're not living in some pretend make-believe world."

@IamCree 3 жыл бұрын

I yelled at this part lol. He put words to one of my most visceral experiences

@susanbeever5708 3 жыл бұрын

Exactly.

@nenmaster5218 2 жыл бұрын

Hbomberguy's last video made the autism-community proud. Seen it, i hope?

@tales_ 2 жыл бұрын

YessssSsSSSSSSSSS

@Aybrix 2 жыл бұрын

I also yelled, paused the video and called my dad. My god I get so hung up on some things, like absolutely horrible bosses I've had, and people just meet me with "You'll always have to deal with difficult people". Every time I'd be like that's not the point! I couldn't explain it and I didn't understand it myself, but hearing this put into words it just CLICKED. That craving for some validation that you're not wrong, you're not crazy. AHHH thank you!!

@jeromepaupe 3 жыл бұрын

There something I would like to touch on. There is many ''friends'' that require so much effort to keep up, that is it really a good friend? Like you have to watch out what you say, you have to hold yourself from expressing yourself, etc. If you have to do those too much, at some point the friendship is irrevelant.

@isla1668 2 жыл бұрын

That was my last friendship then I got accused of not being open enough if they did something that hurt me, but they didn’t want honesty in the first place, like constantly walking on eggshells. Tiring.

@dejavu6345 3 жыл бұрын

I have an ASD friend. The two of us attended the funeral of our mutual friends son (age 10) that struggled with leukemia since age 6. The mother (our mutual friend) was inconsolable. I tried my best to comfort her and my friend not knowing what to say stated the obvious and said, “but didn’t he have it for a while?” In other words, he had a hard time understanding why everyone was so distraught when her son battled his illness for years and everyone knew the end was near. Having hope wasn’t an emotion he could relate to. So, although he stated the “technical” truth and he meant well; it was insensitive at that moment. Needless to say, we had an interesting conversation on the drive back home. He was appreciative of me for bringing it to his attention and asked how could he fix it. I reassured him she loves and understands you but giving her a card acknowledging her pain wouldn’t hurt. So, not all friends don’t want to hear the truth. Sometimes, it just isn’t needed. Respectfully 🙏🏽

@FoundSheep-AN 3 жыл бұрын

How can people not be shocked and mourning and grieving a boy’s death?? This is a human being trait! Only a computer can say something like this

@IwasBlueb4 3 жыл бұрын

@@FoundSheep-AN shocked > ?

@mariahkennedy6497 3 жыл бұрын

@@FoundSheep-AN This is often the difficulty with being autistic. This difference in understanding is seen as cruel. Autistic people can be slotted into a non human category because they are too different for others to tolerate without a moral degradation. When really the autistic person wants to say the right thing, but doesn’t know how to. What they can do is spot discrepancies. Shock at an expected event is a discrepancy. An error in cognition to be sorted out to get at the clear reality. People often make no sense to autistic just as this persons response makes no sense to you. When discussing the exchange after the funeral the autistic person is eager and thankful for being taught a better way forward. Happy to abandon their automatic choice for a better, kinder option. This seems very human to me. Plus: What can really be said at the death of a child that will help? Your child is gone, what careless words can cut deeper than that and what polite affirmations can soothe such a heartbreak?

@bernicegoldham1509 3 жыл бұрын

@@FoundSheep-AN ppl with autism are not robots.

@reylime2991 3 жыл бұрын

@@FoundSheep-AN How can a human being make presumptions about how other human beings operate?

@skylerydntk 3 жыл бұрын

how to alienate yourself 1) go against the grain 2) telling the truth when people don’t wanna hear it (pointing out things people don’t wanna hear at that moment)(salt on the wound)(telling people something they might already know, but don’t wanna acknowledge) 3)trying to do best what people expect and when you don’t, they can loose trust. (example: i sometimes need to alienate myself from everyone, and when that happens people might loose trust)

@OurResistance 3 жыл бұрын

Yes, #3 is a good one! Society lies to us about everything from the very beginning! You have to play the expectations game early and often or everyone will eventually betray and attack you!

@markpw2613 27 күн бұрын

It's really confusing. If I am being my true self, everyone hates me (opionated, loud, not listening/eye contact, arrogance and a bit angry,) but my masking gets people not knowing me and it's just being fake nice and losing a lot of confidence in myself because I can't fully express myself. This world ain't meant for us

@fenlandwildlifeclips 3 жыл бұрын

In my experience insensitive people can be very popular. I think it’s because people are scared of them, they pretend to be friends:

@corsicanlulu 3 жыл бұрын

narcissists are very popular usually and they are the worst bullies and of course insensitive to anyone who isnt them

@fenlandwildlifeclips 3 жыл бұрын

@@corsicanlulu Very true, especially in the workplace!

@fenlandwildlifeclips 3 жыл бұрын

@Cara Ferdinands Yes it is.

@EmmaLemmon 3 жыл бұрын

That's intentionally insensitive people, not those of us who do it by accident.

@robertjmccabe 3 жыл бұрын

I mostly kept my mouth shut for the first 18 years of my life because everything i said/did seemed to piss people off (I had no idea why). I desperately wanted friends, so i just went along with whatever. But then I went to college and found i was really good at math. I was elated because it was the first time in my life where I was confident to speak up if I sensed something was not logical. What’s weird is this mentality works great in academics (with some exceptions), but makes me an outcast in the real world. I am not trying to be mean when I go against the crowd when they are speaking nonsense, but I cannot help speaking up. I have been ridiculed and silenced in the corporate environment - so much so that I am looking for a way out. And this is a shame, because I really like the money and the work (when I’m left alone to do what I do best) is quite fun. I am going back to get a PhD just so I can be around people who enjoy intellectual exploration without getting so pissy about their egos.

@yorgostsitsikas4350 Жыл бұрын

I am currently doing my PhD. Academia is filled with people with fragile egos. I personally don't feel that academia is a place where you can really talk openly about difficult issues. Feelings are still prioritized very frequently. That said, you can occasionally find people with whom you can do deep intellectual discussions without walking on eggshells which can be very satisfying.

@trevor_mounts_music Жыл бұрын

Academia is full of the BIGGEST egos...not sure it's gonna be an improvement.

@robertjmccabe Жыл бұрын

@@trevor_mounts_music yeah. I wrote this when I was disillusioned by my job. I ended up getting another job and realized that every job has its issues. Also, I realized that academics is, in many ways, worse. I ended up taking a job back in the original place that I worked. I am armed with lots more knowledge about how things work.

@realfingertrouble Жыл бұрын

Sadly the corporate and social world is not about what you say, it's how you say it.

@_.OX._ 3 жыл бұрын

Friends, ah yes I remember now .. those people that all "moved on" or outgrew me, even though we all like more time on our own than NT's you never get used to rejection and isolation. So much harder to make genuine friends as a middle aged aspie as you get brow-beaten by rejection and stop trying, you feel people have this expectation that you should have reached a certain career, wealth and social status like somehow you should have overcome all your social abnormalities by reaching such an age.

@dicta2974 2 жыл бұрын

I feel that too. I am almost 54. What is your middle age mark on this planet?

@Eduisit 2 жыл бұрын

I’m 43 so I hear you. I’ve not got the capacity (energy, hope, ability to speak coherently in social settings) any more either, even if I wanted to keep trying to find friends. Paul is right in all he says, but that door has shut for me. I hope younger austistics can hear him.

@dicta2974 2 жыл бұрын

I hope you will find energy every day. Good day and good luck!

@justinevans6546 3 жыл бұрын

Everything is accurate to my situation, except I don’t believe any of those people were actually friends,

@9crutnacker985 3 жыл бұрын

& you'd be right.

@Nobody-Nowhere 3 жыл бұрын

they were lizardpeople, working fo the illluminati

@ICantFindPeaceOfMind 3 жыл бұрын

They only know what the herd taught and can't handle the truth... they keep lying over and over

@Aiken47 3 жыл бұрын

Yes, their colours get revealed ive just discovered

@Aiken47 3 жыл бұрын

Yep just found out a self righteous “friend” doesn’t like getting called a gaslighter when they’re gaslighting me and I can prove it. They are offended at me for getting angry at their indignation and yelling and standing up for myself.

@commentator1984 2 жыл бұрын

Those of us who just see or state the truth of a situation need to just be friends with each other. Trying to guess other people's emotional state all the time in order to maintain a friendship isn't friendship. It is work.

@AMSanchez18 Жыл бұрын

Idk, sometimes people in your life just need your support if they’re going through something rough. For example, if a friend of mine had an eating disorder, it’s easy to say “just eat”, but of course the truth in this case will not solve it. If it’s an important person to you, it should be worth it to give your love and support, even though they don’t accept the truth immediately.

@ArnoudBS Жыл бұрын

Yes this is fax

@crystalokeefe197 3 жыл бұрын

I'm already really good at losing friends and alienating people, but I found your video quite illuminating none the less.

@lb8914 3 жыл бұрын

I figured out my friends sister was bisexual from observing her social media. He explained she was having difficulty in her life one day, so I explained to him my findings based on obvious clues from her post and pictures. He must have said something to her-she blocked me told him I am creepy and manipulative and he accused me of trying to sleep with her. That was the furthest thing from my mind I was just trying to be helpful and usually when I’m being helpful I personally find that people do not want to be helped even if they say they do. They want you to pretend you can’t see problems or act like you’re as confused as they are and just listen. It’s very confusing

@matturner6890 3 жыл бұрын

I have observed much the same thing. One out of ten times, the person wants real help, the other nine times they just want to blah blah blah blah in a completely one-sided conversation

@irinauuuu 3 жыл бұрын

That’s creepy

@IwasBlueb4 3 жыл бұрын

it was NOT up to u to interfere in her affairs .....You need to learn boundaries

@IwasBlueb4 3 жыл бұрын

@@matturner6890 she didnt ask her 4 help....

@matturner6890 3 жыл бұрын

@@IwasBlueb4 Ok :)

@peterwebb8732 2 жыл бұрын

I am very short-sighted. One of the forms of bullying that I was subject to, as a kid, was having my spectacles stolen. Lying, or deliberate denial of reality, is the adult form of that childish bullying. When your ability to understand intuitively is below normal, analysis is your only tool for functioning in your environment. Dishonesty and denial rob you of your ability to understand and to function. It is a very real assault, and no less so when it is done carelessly, thoughtlessly or from habit. I don’t want “friends” who do that.

@JamesPeters68 Жыл бұрын

When NT people deny reality to each other, they call it gaslighting. When they do it around aspies, they call it normal.

@lizv3634 3 жыл бұрын

Yes! Telling the truth! I finally realized that it can be unkind and sometimes even damaging to force someone to acknowledge the truth if they aren’t ready for it. I always thought if I just told the truth, everything would work out. I still doubt myself sometimes about how to handle these situations.

@arlenka1176 3 жыл бұрын

you got me at "metal in the morning." i wish I had more people like that around.

@Aiken47 3 жыл бұрын

Having to step around everyone else is exhausting, why can’t they give me the same latitude. Why am I the only one that has to put on a persona especially when it goes against the truth and reality of the current situation. If I have to manipulate others around me to have them feel good isnt that just being Machiavellian

@Dan_Chiron 3 жыл бұрын

This! Totally feel you.

@bardockojama3423 3 жыл бұрын

Aiken I don’t get you

@Aiken47 3 жыл бұрын

@@bardockojama3423 that’s fine not everyone will.

@bardockojama3423 3 жыл бұрын

@@Aiken47 no I’m saying I want to get you because I feel like it relate to me. But I’m not too good in English

@jenmorricone4014 3 жыл бұрын

People are exhausting..period. I'm an NT, (supposedly) introvert and I can only take 5 minutes of interaction with anyone!

@musicalaviator 3 жыл бұрын

Oh I'm an expert at this subject. I know how to lose friends and alienate myself perfectly well. In fact I have managed to lose all of my friends and spend Melbourne's lockdown completely alone since July.

@ceilconstante7813 3 жыл бұрын

Hugs from Florida. I've spent everyday alone too.

@AgentK200 3 жыл бұрын

I'm sorry to hear that, you all. Loneliness has definitely been a struggle this year. Have you all heard of AANE by chance?

@musicalaviator 3 жыл бұрын

@@AgentK200 I haven't. In fact, until 2020 I was not aware of being on the spectrum. Other's had mentioned it, but I just dismissed it. Ok so I haven't had a romantic partner since 2004, but that's "Just how I roll" right? After losing a bunch of relationships in March and again in July as lockdowns hit, I started seeking help for my isolated depression, when someone suggested an Aspergers resource. And here we are.

@xotleti 3 жыл бұрын

I feel like I've always been in a lockdown. Now it's just more tangible than ever.

@DevonExplorer 3 жыл бұрын

@@t9j6c6j51 I found that too, and it suited me for quite a while, but lately the loneliness has started getting to me. I have plenty of interests, lots to do and love living on my own, but I'm beginning to feel forgotten. Ah well, onwards and upwards, lol!

@bro-rm5xo 3 жыл бұрын

I'm glad that I lost the friends that I did. I had a eureka moment after a confrontation with one where I finally realized they were trying to distance themselves from me and straight up didn't like me. I couldn't be myself with them so I cut them off completely :D

@emanuengieruthi Жыл бұрын

Me too! I hard make friend, but when i can a make friend , i hard keep long relationship with friend, i hard express my words to others so it easy misunderstood from them, i depress because of that...

@Gamper1 3 жыл бұрын

finally something social i am good at

@jaquirox6579 2 жыл бұрын

So what I’m hearing…. Is that I either lose friends, or I don’t speak at all. And that I must stand around pretending to know nothing, think nothing, and just exist near them. Otherwise I speak, which includes random bits of facts, and those facts will forever be massively offensive, because they have an inability to remove their feelings from anything???!!! This was a helpful video, but also a defeating one.

@kikih6389 3 жыл бұрын

people grow when they're ready to grow. people live in their own realities, that's the beauty of consciousness and free will. the best thing is to acknowledge that your own knowledge is the correct one, acknowledge your own reality as real to you, and stop trying to change people. when you stop trying to change people and validate yourself by yourself, you attract like minded spirits.

@gingermurphy5033 3 жыл бұрын

Very applicable in any relationship. I am not on the spectrum. My aspie bf and I recently decided to just be friends because we were BOTH doing these things to one another, quite unintentionally, until we were too uncomfortable to continue. He feels like this is the typical end to a romantic relationship for him, but to me it was a new experience and quite painful. We are doing our best to remain friends. The distance between us has made room to recover. We tried! I am not sure how either of us could have done things differently. Heartbreaking. Thanks for articulating this!

@Retrosenescent Жыл бұрын

Same experience with me and my autistic boyfriend. Just couldn’t make it work with him. The more honest we were with each other, the more we hated each other and couldn’t stand to be around each other. Just fought constantly. He has such autistic social skills that it was hard to get along with him - so rude and condescending and hurtful ALL THE TIME. And the more honest I was with him about that to help him learn and be more compassionate in his communication, the more frustrated he became. But I couldn’t take the abuse anymore and had to leave

@why2goatdagame 3 жыл бұрын

I prefer to use the approach of: 1. Never be anyone that you are not & who you would not want someone else to be towards you! 2. Be observant to the attitudes & emotions around you 3. Be courteous to those attitudes & social hot spots of triggering 4. Sugar coating if & only if necessary, but never bury the truth 5. Always be honest with others & especially be honest with yourself

@Satoji_Art Жыл бұрын

That’s pretty much how I learned to roll!

@why2goatdagame 5 ай бұрын

@U2_U Expressions aren't simply facial. Tone says alot, iff you can hear it. Body communication aka body movement & stance can say a lot too. However, if you not the greatest w/ any of that: simply asking for emotional clarification or direct explanations, is in fact being observant. If you do not ask, you're less likely to know what ur observing. Asking is better than not. We can't just see everything. I can see a fight break out, but unless I ask what caused it (due to me not knowing), then I would be assuming. Hence asking, is in many ways the greatest form of observation. Even if asking might annoy people, it is a gesture intended to help understand better. That's why we have questions. If someone does not want 2 answer your questions 2 help you understand them, then that is not your fault. Answering anything was, is, & will be their choice. Just as it is our choice to ask. We can ask, but no one is required to answer. This can be annoying, but is considered disrespectful to not honor. We can only respectfully observe & understand people who are willing to share w/ us. If folks are okay with us being confused about their behavior, then they are prob not willing to be mutual people. Many have chosen to not be mutuals w/ me. Whereby, I reciprocate. No further observance or understanding needed. If they want me to understand, then a change must be made in their behavior by granting explanation. Otherwise, we arrive at an impasse. No further interacting is possible that won't result in a deadlock of misunderstanding. We owe no one understanding, but by that same notion it is not owed 2 us either. All that anyone is required to do is 2 try 2 understand those around you who seeks for your understanding, iff you want 2 try 2 understand them. Wherein, if they don't reciprocate, then the interaction has already ceased. One sided relationships are not relationships. All that was required has ended. Both are free to not listen, just as they started.

@why2goatdagame 5 ай бұрын

@U2_U It is as simple as I stated. Simple does not equate to easy. It is very difficult to navigate people. Even in a good faith effort of understanding, people can still get defensive. That is not on us. That is on them. As long as we go into asking 4 clarification w/ a trying effort of polite understanding, then the reaction given back is on the person reacting. It is that simple, even if dealing w/ the results can be difficult. Take that as you will.

@why2goatdagame 5 ай бұрын

@U2_U 😂😂😂 You Gots No Power Over Me. You can't gate keep my existence. You don't have that authority. You have told on yourself camper. I see you. You're not looking 2 good. You should prob tell someone you're not doing well. As a random stranger on the internet I can't help you. However, I do recommend you seek it, but you prob won't. As difficult as that is, it is very simple to note. I wish you better than you have treated me. Have a good life Autistic Fam, Good day to U2_U ✌️

@maplecozy 3 жыл бұрын

My son, an aspie, colored outside the lines when he was SEVEN and the teacher embarrassed him about it in front of the class. I love his ' don't care how others do it ' attitude , which matches mine! He never forgot it.

@DrumWild 3 жыл бұрын

That's fine, up until the point where one must get a job to survive, which means fitting in so that one can survive. I typically don't care what other people think, but run into issues when it comes to people who have the power to determine whether or not I get to eat or have a place to live tomorrow. It's a terrifying form of wage slavery.

@maplecozy 3 жыл бұрын

@@DrumWild You said it

@mariamatte1112 3 жыл бұрын

Once a teacher embarrassed me for drawing a person with way too many fingers, I was 6 I think, didn't forget it. And it's so pointless like, it was not even because I didn't know how many fingers a person has, I just thought it would be cool. She made me count my fingers and erase it and draw again, after "giving me a lesson". I felt humiliated and angry.

@maplecozy 3 жыл бұрын

@@mariamatte1112 What a nasty teacher. I told my sons teacher off . Being creative is more important.🌹

@mariamatte1112 3 жыл бұрын

@@maplecozy Sure, you're a great parent

@Sopherian 3 жыл бұрын

For some reason I never get invited to have fun... I'm only get invited when things need to get done and they want something from me... People also don't like it when I'm honest, which is so absurd to me :s

@DrDraw-po6km 3 жыл бұрын

come in france, there people are honest and direct when it comes to say things.

@karaa7595 3 жыл бұрын

Omg same! But then I realized I'm not really a "fun" person. I'm introspective. Serious. Deep. Fairly low energy. Maybe I'm not "fun". 😆

@princeekeson12 3 жыл бұрын

That's THEIR problem. Just keep being you.

@spoonman9584 3 жыл бұрын

I had an aspie friend that got into shooting guns and he knew some... Interesting... people. One of them had a whole wall of alcohol and I was surrounded by around 44 guns. Passed out on a P90 sub machinegun. Why in the hell did I do this? To experience what a party would be like. I learned and never wanted to repeat it again 😂. But it happened again at least two more times. The final time I had a terrible hangover and truly didn't repeat it. Probably the craziest sane person I've ever met.

@pcb8059 3 жыл бұрын

An Honest Man....has no friends.

@schembizzi 3 жыл бұрын

I found out I was on the spectrum last month, I’m 32 btw. I ordered “How to make friends and influence people” 2 months ago before I was diagnosed and its finally arriving tomorrow. It’ll be an interesting read even though I know that it probably won’t help rofl. To me, making friends and maintaining relationships is a fools errand. Its a lot of work with almost no benefit and the moment you let up, its all over anyway. Let the chips fall where they may and live in the moment, no need to desperately hold onto things we can’t hold. Cheers :)

@mikesadillan5834 3 жыл бұрын

You can see how many friends you "need" when you are independent. Independency can have multiple contexts: financial, emotional, professional... I am happier with 3 true friends than i would be having 30 fake friends.

@AngDevigne 2 жыл бұрын

Telling people the truth when they don't want to hear it. This is something I have never understood! I cope by taking the "we are both pretending you're fine together" approach.

@wm6578 Жыл бұрын

i feel like telling the truth to someone (specially when its a harsh negative truth) its kinda like breaking and entering into their house in the middle of the night. The truth is a very private and sensitive matter, that makes them vulnerable, scared, frustrated or insecure. So if you come in, without being invited, it feels like an attack against their privacy and their feelings. Even when you are truly invited to discuss the truth with someone, you have to remain quiet, soft and meek, cause you are entering a very vulnerable part of themselves.

@AngDevigne Жыл бұрын

@@wm6578 Thank you for taking the time to explain this to me! I think this will help me be more understanding with people. To me, honesty is a form of respect, of showing someone you truly care about them, so to hide the truth then is like saying "I don't trust you" or "you don't mean that much to me."

@pcb8059 3 жыл бұрын

How about when I walk away from a conversation not realizing the conversation wasnt over? LOL All my coworkers have stopped acknowledging me and now they avoid eye contact.

@kyshawntv6285 3 жыл бұрын

That sounds great, for me atleast. I legit don’t wanna talk to anyone at work. The small talk and everything else seems fake and it is draining.

@SoulReaperSlayer19 3 жыл бұрын

Who cares? One thing I’ve learned in the workplace is that there’s always going to be someone that doesn’t like you no matter what you do. I used to be a people pleaser but now I say what’s on my mind whenever it’s on my mind. Lots of people don’t like it, but in the end they’ll respect you for it; and most importantly you’ll respect yourself for it..

@eugenetswong 3 жыл бұрын

P B, in a conversation, it is best to be normal, and just ask if there is anything else that needs to be discussed. If there is nothing else, then just ask if they will excuse you. You will still offend some people, but the vast majority of people will respect you, and like your effort to excuse yourself politely. Read Emily Post's book on etiquette. It spells things out for normies, so you might as well try to learn what a lot of them are learning and expecting.

@pcb8059 3 жыл бұрын

@@eugenetswong Thank you, I appreciate the advice. I'll spend time rereading it and considering. I dont know the proper way to be dismissed from a conversation, i find myself communicating mostly by text with my siblings and parents and Im always paranoid after a few days that I didnt end the texting conversation "normally" because they didnt reply back, i dont know but, ive never had a coversation end with "...is there anything left to be said?" It makes perfect sense but I dont know

@turtle4087 3 жыл бұрын

I do this a lot 😅 and I frequently don't want to talk to people so I choose to ignore messages for days or months and then have to apologise for ignoring them

@grumblekin 3 жыл бұрын

As I'm already an introvert, losing friends isn't a loss.... It's a gain of peace and solitude!

@knackis2116 3 жыл бұрын

I suspect everyone "masks" to an extent, but damn, I can really empathise with that point. A lot of the time I don't have the energy that is "normal" in social situations, or I struggle to get excited about things people talk about, and I feel like I have to fake it. I always attributed this to being an introvert with niche interests. I wonder if I often come across as disingenuous.

@koset 3 жыл бұрын

🎯 This is on target! People on the spectrum are often mistaken for lacking empathy just because they miss social cues. You can say 'people can take me or leave me', but it's a life skill for {anyone} to have consideration for how others feel. If not for them, it helps keep from driving people away. Excellent video.

@jacobfogle1867 3 жыл бұрын

You just described my life, no effort required 😂 I was recently diagnosed and a lot makes sense. I am sure most other autistic people can relate too

@nicholasromberger6369 3 жыл бұрын

I listed this as a special skill on my job applications, still jobless.

@lorenzmenke3121 3 жыл бұрын

Love your channel. Yes I have done this a number of times. Autism is not always a blessing.

@xyzct 3 жыл бұрын

You can't lose friends if you don't have any.

@BettinaAscaino 3 жыл бұрын

xyzot Tried in different ways? Maybe some small talk torture gets you more chances to get in the door. One or two people is plenty as friends. More “friends” can be hell 😅 if you are authentic, that is your “competitive advantage”. Just gotta go through some small talk w/ different ppl with persistence because there will be a gem somewhere. 😉 good luck. Fails are experience. It’s how we learn. A lot of people believe failing is weakness. Nah. Not failing is not living. Showing respect for some social rules is like the price to be given a chance, at least. If that’s what you want. It isn’t easy to find respectful and kind friends. There’s a shortage these days Lol take care

@Ritsuka55 3 жыл бұрын

I’m not on the spectrum that I know of, but I’m not appreciating how applicable this topic is to me lol

@_BeaverDuck 3 жыл бұрын

I'm in my mid 20s, female and never had friends, never dated or had any kind of romantic relationship with anyone. I never learned how to make friends or how to get people to like or be interested. I have made a lot of enemies from making a pest out of myself though. I would try to be friends with someone, end up annoying them and making them dislike me. That's always been the cycle. I have no idea how to date anyone at all. I don't even know the first step to dating. I've also never had the opportunity to have a relationship coach.

@karaa7595 3 жыл бұрын

Your parents maybe didn't give you the guidance you needed as a child. With my son I make it a point to kindly tell him that if he wants friends, he can't do certain behaviors that annoy people (which I can see actually annoy people).

@craigcarter400 3 жыл бұрын

Be yourself and do stuff that interests you. You may just bump into the one while doing those interests. If they are right for you, they will stick around you.

@gooderspitman8052 2 жыл бұрын

Ha, ha, I alienated everyone with my bluntness and sense of fairness, so throughout my life I’ve never been employed for very long, and I am forever banned from any club that I’ve attempted to join. I’ve been thrown out of every group you care to mention and been labelled weird, strange or mad. Now aged 65, I just don’t try or pretend to join in and though solo, I’m okay. Up to aged 62 when I got my diagnosis, I was beginning to think I was insane, failed marriage, failed relationships, the diagnosis helped me to make sense of the car crash that was my life up to that time.

@kimhawkins8858 3 жыл бұрын

THANK YOU!! What I learned from this is that small talk makes people feel safe. I can do that!

@schwitzpeach4027 3 жыл бұрын

Good insights. The thing is to be true to yourself and others. And knowing that your realty must allow others to have theirs. I get in trouble when not recognizing why my emotional state is different and demanding everyone to directed to my emotional state.

@Dan_Chiron 3 жыл бұрын

Hi, Paul. I must confess I still don't get this one. For me, the congruency point contradicts the first two points you made. How am I supposed to stay congruent if I have to always attune my feelings and behaviour to the feelings of other person if I that's not what I truly want? Fortunately, my close circle is basically composed by other ND people, but when it comes to work, where most people are NT's it is a nightmare, and I feel like lying all the time. I came to the conclusion that I'll never be able to be myself at a work environment because the risk of raising coworker's viral emotions towards me is too high. NT's want you to be empathic, but most of them won't make the effort to be empathic back to us.

@gauntlettolife833 3 жыл бұрын

I agree with you here, confusing points, perhaps there would be analogies that are more concrete that would make your points clearer Paul. The Dale Carnagie book "How to win friends & influence people" I began to read but it seemed somewhat "fake" for me to actually carry out. It meant masking & being a fraud & a constant chameleon. Doing this is extremely taxing & honestly apart from work where I masked so much & still didn't fit in, in the end I got sick of it so just kept quiet but then when I had something to contribute no one took any notice of me. Honestly it's about time the NT decides to accept us because we are human just as they get so up & arms about defending ( I preface this with a warning to please not be offended ) LGBTQI+ people. Isn't it about recognising diversity in all its forms?

@xotleti 3 жыл бұрын

For me it's impossible to overcome all of this at the same time... If I try to be nice I end up looking totally fake... There's no way out lol

@q.b.2318 3 жыл бұрын

This is almost exactly what I was thinking while watching this video as well. I feel the same way about NTs, too. It's seemingly a no-win situation regardless of what you do.

@karaa7595 3 жыл бұрын

Memorizing scripts and what scenarios they pertain to and learning how to wrap up conversations politely before I say something stupid or my eyes begin to glaze over, has helped me A LOT. I can work up to about 3 to 5 hours with a friend at a time maybe every other month. Keeping some distance is key and putting a time limit on it is too. We can be ourselves in non controversial ways for that long but then it will become tougher as time goes on. Hope this helps a little.

@isla1668 2 жыл бұрын

That’s so true I feel the same way as you

@markschnittker4770 3 жыл бұрын

It sounds like the main issue is that you are a better person than most. You are telling the truth and living your life based on what works for you and not what society thinks is "fun". Too high percentage of the population is broken. Be proud to be the odd one out.

@mikecatterson1 22 күн бұрын

This guy is a cripplingly feeble and optimistic version of me. Thank you for posting.

@nicolek7061 3 жыл бұрын

Hi Paul! I find it really useful when you have a flowchart of your ideas or just any visual aid of your talking points, it just helps to understand the points better imo. But you have such incredible content! I’ve been watching a lot of your videos recently and these things are really helpful to learn, and are super relatable. Thank you!

@BettinaAscaino 3 жыл бұрын

The plant would loooove some water!!! Sorry, can’t help myself. Thanks for the great value you bring! 🙏🥰

@D-Loop6 2 ай бұрын

I don't know how or why but I pretty much alienate most people. The ones that stick with me are a rare breed. God bless them.

@Meira750 3 жыл бұрын

I partially derailed a relationship by telling him something that needed to be said but i said it very awkwardly. I think this man is probably on the spectrum too. Not sure if he knows that tho. He's actually a very good, kind and generous man but he admits to being "lazy" about cultivating relationships. He doesn't reach out but he has with me. Anyway, i fixed the derailment by admitting i am on the spectrum and i am sometimes inept in how i express myself. We're back on track and i do think this may be headed beyond friendship. I know he is not a narcissist. I've had plenty of experience with those. My point is be honest about your asperger's and reassure the people you care about that it's never your intention to hurt or be mean.

@language-n-learning 3 жыл бұрын

I don't think we should be open about our Asperger's with everyone. I would never tell people at work, especially my toxic bully boss. That would just make things worse.

@Meira750 3 жыл бұрын

@@language-n-learning no of course not but those we are close to and care about. I saw this man backing away and it hurt. I spent an afternoon in tears and thought how to fix what i had messed up and it worked. It was particularly painful because i saw he was hurt but still remained kind and caring in his own way.

@language-n-learning 3 жыл бұрын

@@Meira750 Yes, I agree. I'm glad that you were able to fix your situation with someone that you trusted.

@Meira750 3 жыл бұрын

@@language-n-learning Thanks, I hope things work out for you at work. Stay strong.

@Sgt-Gravy 3 жыл бұрын

It seems like it's always on me & there's no reciprocity. I have to cater to everyone else, otherwise I do alienate myself. Occasionally I get tired of masking & expect others to allow me to be myself. I set an expectation that I can't sustain when I continually cater to others.

@JDMimeTHEFIRST 2 жыл бұрын

I actually make all the effort to keep up friendships. But it always seems one sided. The effort is never reciprocated.

@Opti-Mystic 3 жыл бұрын

I'm 52yo and it seems that all my life I have tried to be honest and yet have just been upsetting people with it, and when I present a happy face socially to try and be acceptable, all I'm doing is making people distrust me because they think I'm being fake. So I can't win either way. Other people must put on a brave face to the world socially (unless they're perpetually happy) and I don't judge them for it. I hate my life

@owljones3389 2 жыл бұрын

same. honestly. - literally the exact same way I feel every day of my life. You're not alone.

@susanbeever5708 2 жыл бұрын

One of our abilities to analyze stuff and then tell people what we have figured out is a very annoying truth to those living in denial/alternate realities.

@DrumWild 3 жыл бұрын

I waited 38 hours for this video. After watching, I can only conclude that I am a lost cause (I'm 56 and got my diagnosis 3 years ago). I'll have to avoid people and see how long I can avoid doing myself in. I am broken and cannot be repaired.

@mariamurphy4631 3 жыл бұрын

Nope. Not broken.

@DrumWild 3 жыл бұрын

@@mariamurphy4631 Will need proof of that.

@jamesgardner9832 3 жыл бұрын

I've always been a proponent of the idea that if you believe your stupid and useless you will prove yourself right every time, however if you believe yourself intelligent and competent you'll surprise yourself by what you can achieve. And yes I know I'm alienating you because I'm not matching your emotional state and telling you the truth you don't want to hear.

@DrumWild 3 жыл бұрын

@@jamesgardner9832 I do not think that I am stupid. I know that I do not fit in. This is a death sentence when it comes to gaining and keeping a job. 4.5 years without work. I'm a burden. I get what you are saying. It just has nothing to do with my situation.

@jamesgardner9832 3 жыл бұрын

@@DrumWild Well first I never said you were stupid. I was using a metaphor to show the difference between negative and positive thinking. I refuse to believe that at 55 your stupid or useless. No doubt in my mind you have knowledge and skills I don't at 34. All I'm trying to say is that our mindset determines a great deal. Honestly far more than I ever used to think it did. Changing my mindset isn't complete, it didn't happen overnight, and I haven't received all the benifits I'm looking for that change yet. But I have achievable goals now that I didn't before and I understand better how long change will take. It's not going to happen as fast as I want but I'm more okay with that now than I ever have been before. My mindset determines-far more than I'm comfortable with sometimes-how happy or content I am at any given time. Despite what is happening in the world or where I am at in the goals I have set for myself. I'm sorry you feel like a lost cause and broken beyond repair. I used to feel that way too. I don't now and I don't think you have to feel that way anymore if you don't want to.

@graysoncarter3017 3 жыл бұрын

Normally your videos are pretty helpful to me, but I'm already a expert in this

@rebeccaelle135 Жыл бұрын

This is spot on. And alienating other (s) is natural. Its is done in the exact moment I am trying not to. A life time of this ( I am over 70 now) has left me in the place of wanting solitude after extremem amounts of ‘not making ‘ friends. What works is one on one and time limits of any social interaction. WhT works is a common interest or being w plants/ animals. No matter how I explain my neuro divergence to a normal Socialized person…They DonNOT get it. And further more, why should they have to work to hard to ‘get’ it. It is exhausting. I ache badly then when my autism is gaslighted after all my efforts are useless. I d rather be alone…said Greta Garbo? I hVe no cadence. I have regular neuro pysch therapy to assist in managing. Emotional Intelligence only works for short amounts of time with another or in grouo settings. I am Sick of being accused of anger when I am In compounded meltdowns… age makes no difference. My late life diagnosis was healing and helped make sense of my life yet now years later…. It is a mark on me, a cringing reality saying: dont even try. So I practice “being” and enjoying what I enjoy. Its not easy either way but peace is my goal.

@vtmegrad98 3 жыл бұрын

So if I'm honest about who I am and how I feel about things, I'm an asshole and no one wants to be around me. But if I pretend the things going on around me aren't hugely stressful, and pretend I don't mind all these arbitrary, nonsensical social rules, I'm fake and people won't want to be around me. So screwed no matter what. Awesome.

@billbirkett7166 3 жыл бұрын

I think it's extremely important to always remember and acknowledge the role of power dynamics that are constantly going on. For me personally, that comprises 95% of my social difficulties, I am always blind to the social hierarchy. 95% of the time, it doesn't matter how nice you are, it doesn't matter how well you connect with others, all that matters is who is in charge. You will learn that lesson the hard way over and over again. For me, hierarchy and dominance, rather than egalitarianism and authenticity, are the most uncomfortable things to endure about social interaction. Personally, I want to both connect with others and have an interesting/authentic discussion, they shouldn't be mutually exclusive. But for neurotypical people this is the case about 90% of the time, there is very little middle ground.

@kdcraft89 2 жыл бұрын

You are really onto something here about the power dynamics. Especially so at work, but very often hidden, esp for aspies. I just try to relate meaningfully to those who don't play by those "rules" anymore, though I once did.

@billbirkett7166 2 жыл бұрын

@@kdcraft89 It's easier said than done to recognize that that's what's going on, and even less easy to try to take action to not be controlled by these dynamics yourself, after understanding what's going on. I think that someone on the spectrum is more likely to question the validity of the particular dominance hierarchy (sorry to keep borrowing from Jordan Petersen), however, human beings really aren't wired to question authority in most cases; people are wired to be 'monkey see, monkey do.' I want to see the logic behind why a particular person is at the top, vs. whether they deserve to be there or not. When I bring these issues of dominance and hierarchy up to people, they seem to have a very strong reaction against me for making something cognitive, which they interact with in a very instinctual and/or emotional way (that is to say, their own place within the hierarchy). Whereas for me, I just want to handle the issues cognitively and rationally, which on the larger scale, translates to an attitude of egalitarianism within the group and the larger society. Even people with rainbow stickers on everything talking about tolerance, can't necessarily avoid falling into their own particular dominance hierarchies, which is of course quite hypocritical of them.

@kylesmithisawesome 3 жыл бұрын

The second one very much resonates with me. I tell the truth brutally...."pushing the bruise to prove its there" this is very accurate.

@jasonholbrook2019 3 жыл бұрын

me too.Which is why my all time favorite movie one liner is "You can"t handle the truth!"

@theharmonyofknowledge1286 3 жыл бұрын

@rowan orre Being brutal is 1 thing,but in my experience (as well as a lot of other aspies/auties,I'm sure),even when I try to be gentle and compassionate with the truth,some people *still* explode at me. Even if I try to ask *why* they exploded at me for being honest,I've learned that they just outright *refuse* to give me any kind of answer. Heck,they won't even answer why they won't give me an answer

@theharmonyofknowledge1286 3 жыл бұрын

@rowan orre I think you're assuming that I'm not bothering to actually be compassionate in how I communicate. I *do* care how other people feel,it's just that I sometimes say something that offends the other person that I didn't think would warrant their explosive reaction. An example would be like: I'm just enjoying the conversation I'm having with them,and I casually mention a little tidbit or fun fact about something that popped into my head because what they said reminded me of it,and for some reason,what I brought up really upset them, *and I can tell* that they're upset. I just don't know *why* ,and if I try to gently ask "what's wrong?",they either say something like "nothing",or just completely ignore me. Because they *won't* explain to me what went wrong, *how can I possibly make things right* ?

@Hotmessmomsreadings 3 жыл бұрын

My bf and brother exhibit these at times, I think sometimes unconsciously. These vids help me alot

@Undoing88 9 ай бұрын

15:13 This is absolutely the most important message in this entire video. People often imagine that these skills are unlearnable, but at 36, I was able to turn it around. Within 12 months through some really great business coaching plus working with a therapist, I was able to go from fully alexithymic and mind-blind, committing all of these social sins continually... to becoming someone that people now regard as highly emotionally skilled to a degree where I've become the person helping the rest of my friends with emotional processing and unpacking trauma, even NT folks. I can't guarantee that the same amount of change is possible for everyone, but I'm hopeful that it is. If I learned about these things when I was 16 instead of 36, I truly believe I would not have suffered from depression for those dark and lonely 20 years. Thus, I consider this lesson the single MOST important thing that anyone with ASD traits like mine should work on! I believe in you all!

@murielshore4843 3 жыл бұрын

I am an expert at alienating myself. I feel more like an alien every day as I am sso different from them and certainly don't think like them. I am 72 and never been diagnosed so not sure if I am on the spectrum. I just know I am different and the truth keeps coming out my mouth upsetting everyone. I know people don't like facing the truth so I try to keep quiet only to blurt it out unexpectedly. My family absolutely ignores me because I won't think like them.

@OurResistance 3 жыл бұрын

I am going through the same thing at the age of 40. It is like all other so called humans are a completely different species! Although I began to understand 15 years ago that other people cannot be reasoned with, it has taken that 15 years to basically give up all hope of ever reasoning with them. I'm going to have to think of them and treat them like dogs and cats!

@SolvingTheMoneyProblem 3 жыл бұрын

TIL: Paul likes Metal 🤘

@Wolit51 3 жыл бұрын

\m/

@VortechBand 3 жыл бұрын

What's not to like? It's harmonically and aurally complex, and not "easy listening", ie. you need to focus on it :) Not just in through one ear, out the other...

@ichmemyself6098 3 жыл бұрын

I just discovered that he is wearing a Rock im Park festival shirt. I suppose it's from that festival in Nuremberg, Germany, taking place every year around Pentecost. Am I right with this?

@anttoni8867 3 жыл бұрын

TIL: His name is Paul. I've watched probably dozens of his videos, wondering if my brain wiring is autistic. Interesting.

@PattyDalmau 3 жыл бұрын

Oh boy! You nailed it💪😑 I’ve always said “I’m a loner not by choice”. I was just diagnosed as a high spectrum Aspie in May 2020 at my tender age of 68 years old-lmao💪🇵🇪 I’ve done extensive hypnotherapy to retrieve my thwarted childhood memories (good and bad) and my natural inclinations denied to me. In essence, my hypnotherapist told me “We’ve removed the trauma, you have a blank slate, live the life you were supposed to live...” Mind you, it took five years of weekly regressions to heal, I was in my mid fifties then. I learned to look you in the eyes because my mother forced me to look at her or else she’d beat me. I picked up my intuition and nursed it back to health too. Mommy-not-dearest used to look at me with penetrating angry eyes and say “even if it’s white and I say it’s black-you say it’s black, you hear? Note: hypnotherapy literally saved my life when Lyricaca gave me suicidal thoughts and life threatening circumstances🙏😇🥰

@galespressos 2 жыл бұрын

Hear you on the truth part. It’s a problem when it needs to be said though.

@prattanderson9553 3 жыл бұрын

honestly I don't have the energy anymore to accommodate NT's social expectations

@island661 2 жыл бұрын

It's not a matter of accommodating others. It's a matter of poor communication skills. Simply letting others know how you're feeling helps. If you're exhausted and need alone time/down-time most people will understand. Everyone needs alone time, it's healthy.

@kissit012 2 жыл бұрын

@@island661 that type of honesty only goes over well with reasonable people, not people who are emotional and need things to be about themselves. Which is many NTs

@island661 2 жыл бұрын

@@kissit012 I'm NT, I need alone time too. A lot of alone time! 🤣

@kiyasuihito 2 жыл бұрын

"Making people uncomfortable is a great way to alienate yourself." Well, that explains it 😅

@buttercxpdraws8101 3 жыл бұрын

I love this ASD twist on the old book how to win friends and influence people. I remember reading it as an undiagnosed autistic uni student trying to find some info on how social relationships work. I could run a masterclass on how to lose friends and alienate people 😂

@themanmrbijok7364 2 жыл бұрын

This is what i feel like when talking to someone new and when we form a relationship and mistakes are made on my end and i want to try to acknowledge, own up and form a discussion on it so i can do better, but the other person just wants to move on (“it doesn’t matter anymore”) - for instance.

@ibfi546 3 жыл бұрын

Well I think you’re awesome and you have us 💜

@heathergreyart 3 жыл бұрын

Hey!!! 👋☺️ Happy to see you today! Thank you for being you! (Being you & helping others is incredibly amazing!) I'm working on animations, trying to put together a channel.. You're inspiring! Being super interested in emotional intelligence, I get stoked when you talk about it- emotional contagion is real. I'm positive about autism, we can see eachother & it makes me feel less alone! Which has been my life- being abused, then self isolation.. Healing & making friends is possible. Also, have wanted to ask what type of music you are into, this was great! Thank you!🙌🤓

@eatyourvegetablescartoon 3 жыл бұрын

👋Hey! 🥕This is one of my cartoons!🥦 Please check it out!👍 If you enjoy art stuff I hope you like it!😉

@与子 27 күн бұрын

thanks to your channel, I started looking into ASD in myself and your videos have been like jigsaw pieces, one after another revealing the watermarks underneath the avalanching isolation landscape I've been facing. as for this one, I nearly stopped watching, because 1 and 2 sounded almost trite, but the 3rd one was the the most pivotal idea I've run across in quite awhile. thank you so much Paul.

@unjosefurioso3309 3 жыл бұрын

What a great video! For an insensitive person as me (and so with relationship problems...) it's of great value. Clear and very well explained... 👏👏👏

@mayalua1 3 жыл бұрын

In this class I got one of the best grades 😂😂😂

@StudioSharna 3 жыл бұрын

I’m good at these things. No wonder my only friends are those who do these things too. Lol. I congruence has been my greatest challenge in other people. Maybe I do it too. Wait, I do, because I don’t feel safe to share how I am feeling. I rate fairly high in emotional intelligence, despite being challenged by my emotions, so perhaps that’s why I’ve learned to mask in front of some people and then go home and be frustrated and wonder why. Thanks for this video Paul 🥴😊

@payalm21 2 жыл бұрын

Thanks for the video. 'Be your true self' doesn't apply to us then. The self help mantra for us is indeed "fake it till you make it and be calculative when using your five senses".

@gregorykeane2987 10 ай бұрын

I am convinced that I’m from another planet. I am so confused about all these rules for interacting with human beings. I am alone by choice but I do want to learn how to make a friend. I think I make people feel awkward and uncomfortable, so this was helpful..

@Catlily5 3 жыл бұрын

The trouble I had with the "bruise" situation was I didn't realize it was such a sensitive subject for the other person because it was not a sensitive subject for me.

@JovanKo314 3 жыл бұрын

If the key to losing friends is to make people uncomfortable, why do I see other people get closer by pushing boundaries and becoming better friends after insensitive/offensive things were said and feelings were hurt?

@purpletullip4836 2 жыл бұрын

Maybe by what follows after. Most of the time they talk it over, apologize and adjust.

@zynetik 3 жыл бұрын

My best friend and I have been friend for almost 15 years. We are both on the spectrum and we have always told the truth between each other. That's the most authentic relationship I've ever had.

@bellaluce7088 Жыл бұрын

❤

@bob.ross330 3 жыл бұрын

So I have Aspergers too. I’ve known for about 10 years but I never really trained my social skills. I watched this video and I realized that the reason “Aspies don’t get sarcasm” is misleading: we still have problems interpreting others, but we may still be completely fluent in sarcasm. For me, I’m incredibly sarcastic, sometimes it pisses people off but other times I’ve been told to do stand up comedy. The missing link is making sure the other person understands that I’m being silly.

@Fightnight92 2 жыл бұрын

I agree completely. People base friendships mostly on how you make them feel. I also agree that people hate hearing the blunt truth.

@purpletullip4836 2 жыл бұрын

I relate the most with nr 2. Pushing that bruise, I have done that a lot. I remember some one leaving an app group and I've messaged her trying to find out the réal reason why she left. She kept on giving vague answers. That made me so frustrated because I just wanted for her to be honest. Ofcourse regretted it afterwards, realizing what I did went too far.

@lrwiersum 11 ай бұрын

This video is EVERYTHING right now !!

@bluediamond105 3 ай бұрын

i didnt know i was autistic till a short time ago, as a child it was like living in the army so I learned to do,say and even smile,I became this person who always was doing what is right,till 6 years ago my whole life went upside down,now knowing about autism has help me understand many things in my life,I love being alone and I live alone, but sadly you do need other humans soon or later, that for it is worth it to cultivate good friendships and family ties, I guess is never too late to start.

@Mo.Faried 3 жыл бұрын

Trying my best, but still keep bouncing between obvious masking and being blunt like hell? I understand the problem is not with others and I don't blame anybody for this, but nothing seems to work.

@kyshawntv6285 3 жыл бұрын

Honestly. I’ve been masking and blending in my whole life. Sometimes i respond to others my natural way. Others it’s like my mask comes back on for second. And when i finish the interaction, i facepalm myself and lose so much more energy. Talking to anyone besides my family is so draining now and idk how to break this loop.

@q.b.2318 3 жыл бұрын

I have a similar issue. It's such a challenging thing to balance properly. Interactions with others has always felt like a no-win situation, because whatever I end up doing comes off either inappropriate, insensitive, awkward or disingenuous. I, as well, have failed to work out a solution for this problem in spite of rigorous research and lifelong efforts. I'd like to think I have at least improved incrementally over the years, but I am certainly still working on such and have significant struggles with the issue. Hopefully I will learn to resolve this deficit so I don't continue to inadvertently offend or put off others and damage personal relationships.

@DevonExplorer 3 жыл бұрын

Yes, I find it's really difficult too. Sometimes I just feel like standing in the middle of the street and shouting 'I don't understand you, I don't understand anything you say and I don't know how to act or what to do!' Meanwhile, even though I appear to have perfected conversations, and even though I wouldn't knowingly hurt anyone for the world, I still manage to upset and offend people every so often. And then I try to explain and only manage to make things worse. I think even my family have given up on me as they don't contact me anymore. It's really frustrating!

@Mo.Faried 3 жыл бұрын

@@DevonExplorer I am sorry to hear this. I had issues with my parents for almost the same reasons, especially with a high power distance index culture like ours, which aspergians have a characteristic difficulty to cope with. But once I discovered my condition, I educated them about it and our communication improved.

@DevonExplorer 3 жыл бұрын

@@Mo.Faried I'm really pleased that communication with your family improved for you. Sadly, it hasn't done for me, but I haven't given up hope that cicumstances might improve. Thanks. :)

@CrownedMeadow 3 жыл бұрын

I’m really looking forward to this one. I have a friend who spends most of their time in isolation mode. 😕

@Nostalgicguy2242 3 жыл бұрын

Maybe it's your height.. by looking at your profile pic you seem quite a tall girl just like me.. I am pretty tall and being autistic scares most people away..

@jimmaier233 3 жыл бұрын

I consider truth to be an element that can make you stronger, makes your character more authentic and real, instead of a farce. What worth is a friendship, if it would force you to deny that. I layed those cards on the table for a "friend" of 16 years. He got offended, of course.. After a burnout from constantly faking social scripts, it feels good to get rid of relationships, that drown you in slow motion. I can't stand "faking", but I guess that's really what it was.

@WhatDadIsUpTo Жыл бұрын

There are Sooo many variables when dealing with social acceptance, I have found avoiding people altogether works for me. I live alone in the country in Texas and couldn't be happier.

@joaoluiz1114 3 жыл бұрын

I'm Brazilan Aspie and in Brazil is actually much harder. Social life, occasional friends and white lies are so fundamental parts of the relationships here (I believe much more than in Australia). Even declining a single invitation or small criticisms can easily end a friendship.

@karaa7595 3 жыл бұрын

Omg I'm laughing. You described me. But Im not an aspie. I think I just sabotage potential friendships because deep down I don't really trust people and can't be bothered wasting my time plus I have a husband and a son to tend to and after giving to them I just want to be alone for like hours at a time.

@kelcamer 2 жыл бұрын

you sure you're not an aspie? haha

@MrRadiobeacon Жыл бұрын

Very well told! Focus on people who are worth it and just waste the rest, it s just backround noise,anyway.

@bellabong8862 2 жыл бұрын

I appreciate all the helpful pointers you've taken the time to share with us in this video. As an ND, I realize that I was born with two left feet so to speak when it comes to learning and executing the social dancesteps that NTs seem to learn so effortlessly. But I think it's worth the effort.