The profound effect it had on me when I realized that I chose emotionally unavailable people who were afraid of intimacy because I myself was emotionally unavailable and afraid of intimacy. It's a scary thing to face and choosing someone who can't meet you there is a sure way to make sure that you never have to do any of the real work. It was a hard thing for me to accept but shining a light on that is one of the best things I could've ever done for myself. Just know that it doesn't have to always be the way it's always been 💜

This animation was so cute :) I have just had to face that I am actually the peach in this video. I really thought I was good at being vulnerable and intimate. Turns out, until now, all of my past partners were particularly cold. I've just found a new one who is calling my bluff, can provide the intimacy I've always craved, and ironically it's showing me how afraid of intimacy I was all along! It's hilarious and humbling. But I'm learning how to really give and take it now.

Thank you for this. The internet is full of attacks on those who are "avoidant attachment style " Trying to get something from someone who doesn't have it to give is really a kind of insanity

You sound EXACTLY like my therapist. You go to your session with one comment about your partner.. And all of a sudden you realise oh wait: its about ME and not THEM...

That's me and yet...I don't recall such traumas as a kid. I do not know why I am like this, but this fear has made me kick people out of my life for no reason...it sucks.

Going through a very, very terrible breakup is what helped me get over my fear of intimacy, or at least become aware of it and handle it a lot better. I feel like even though it was a long and terrible period that I thought would never recover from, I came out a lot stronger and wiser.

Excellent as ever. Thank you, SOL. The essence of authentic intimacy in intimate bonds is when two humans can strip off their "armour", and reveal their true, naked selves - in mind, body, and soul. This is the ultimate sign of a richly fulfilling, enduring relationship.

I guess it would be more accurate to call it Allergy to Intimacy rather than Fear of Intimacy. Or Intimacy-Associated Fear. There's nothing to be scared about intimacy. It's those things that we experienced along with intimacy. Like, the cake is great but someone put broken glass in mine. I'm not scared of cake. I want my cake. I'm scared of swallowing glass.

Ive been hearing it for years, finally had to look it up... it IS Alain de Botton narrating. Enjoyed his lectures many years ago now. Had thought myself crazy for hearing his voice within these words. May be that I am mad, yet not on this. Phew! Love these reminders of introspection. I dont do it nearly enough. AdB the philosopher for our time. His thoughts carried by words, hold a deeper meaning as Ive grown within myself in a dynamic world. Thank you.

A relationship requires two people. A lot of people are afraid to admit that if there is a problem with the relationship that it's rarely only one person to blame.

This video seems to assume a steady state of intimacy. However, early in a relationship a partner can seem very open to intimacy because it is mostly physical and emotional intimacy, but later, when real love actually develops, there is more "heart" at risk and so the walling off of intimacy begins. I think this is a pretty common pattern that the video doesn't speak to.

Not afraid, just sick of the rejection.

Thank you very much……been there done that and as a result got shredded beyond repair. Invariably when you show your weakness people do or try to take advantage of. It is sad but it is a fact. And now what ?? you get blamed for not being intimate, but in the end, as you mention, it’s those who claim to want it who are incapable to be intimate. A temper tantrum is not intimacy……it is just plain selfish abuse.

Oh boy, that was me!! Spent most of my life wanting others to be intimate with me, but I was petrified and always blamed the other person. Of course, it was not entirely my fault, but I never did pick a man who truly wanted to work on the relationship, and try to become friends. I think I could have become more intimate given some education, and if my partner could have been more inclined, but really, that's not how they were wired, and probably still aren't...anyway, all from my childhood....And now, I very much enjoy and love at times, living alone, and being on my own, something I was running from my whole life, never thought I could be alone. I think a lot of people in relationships, stay in bad relationships, because they do not want to be alone. But guess what, it can be so liberating and wonderful! I have never been happier!! I have some good friends too.💟

I'm always astonished at the maturity and intelligence of your videos. Thank you.

Yeesssss!! It is so gratifying to have this message presented! I continue to research attachment styles and it’s frustrating and boring to continually see comments (and even videos) demonizing the unavailability and/or inconsistent availability in relationships with people who have predominantly avoidant or disorganized attachment styles. I am yet to see any of the people who feel victimized by emotionally unavailable people take accountability for their own choices to remain in these relationships, ones where the needs and desires they are conscious of aren’t met. Thank you very much for addressing such an important issue!

Perfect pairing: peaches & cream

Thank you for this page, really.

This is so spot on.

That was very helpful. Thanks Alain!

Excellent, as always. Thank you. This is so true. I am the one who was in a marriage with someone who feared intimacy, and I complained about it a lot. I see now and acknowledge that I chose him for the very reasons stated here. : )

the animation is so good, so fun to watch

Some how yall know what I'm going through, every time.

It rings true to me, although what I'm more focused on right now, is that I crave to consistently and freely share my passions with someone else who likes the same things as me, yet I feel I don't find that person. I tell myself that I try to be nice and care about others' passions and listen to them, hoping they reciprocate; but even when they do at some level, I still don't feel completely good or satisfied; and sometimes I talk about it a little more vocally. Yet when I analyse myself more closely, I discover that I'm not as caring as I thought either, all the time. I know that this big fixation won't bring me fulfilment I seek, but I don't know how to reconcile that craving inside myself (to share what I like with others), and I find it somehow hard to genuinely appreciate my closed ones for who they truly are: wonderful, valuable people.

Because they don't trust anyone everyone is manipulative if you let your gaurd down worse things happens....

10/10 for animation. They are heart warming. Doing a fantastic job of making this very scary issue tolerable ❤

Excellent representation of the anxious-avoidant dynamic!

Hits the nail on the head

I’m very afraid of intimacy, this video describes me very well. My childhood was full of trauma.

Never have I see a channel that understands its audience type of person as much as you guys, that’s next level😂

The animation is so cute!!

I’m afraid because it’s out of your control and you don’t know what to expect, like a box of chocolates 🍫 😢

Perfect timing, having come to realise this, this week.

I don't have a girlfriend, but still it made me cry by just empathising

Maybe we need to also define intimacy. For some intimacy is just a physical thing and for others it is more than that, which leads to a cycle of frustration. I think that people just need to be honest about who they are and what they want

The animation is so lovely ❤ i thoroughly enjoyed this cideo

Trying to focus on the message but it's hard with such great and hilarious animation. Great one!

Good video

Childhood experiences aren't the only reason for a fear of intimacy. I have autism and can't stand having physical contact. I will easily be (too) trusting and share all about myself, but I don't even like my mother giving me a hug. Just writing that made me shiver.

I was emotionally open once, it was used as an insult against me not much later after, and every time it was argumentatively necessary. Y'all can have it I'm good.

It's always less scary when we know our partner will never initiate anything. We have full control over what happens, assuming anything is allowed to happen. But it's not a fulfilling life

Love from India sir

Nice❤

Ofc not verbatim but this: "We complain. And yet, out of all possible options, we still chose them. We have to consider this" felt like being dumped with the cold water of realization and reality 💀

The video title hits home

Have you been looking at my Google search history? 🧐 Jokes aside, I feel like I am the other partner in this scenario (the cream can). I'm not exactly touchy-feely. I always unintentionally keep people an arm's length away physically and emotionally. I got into a relationship this year but it ended quickly. I tried to be more intimate, but it felt unnatural and only made me more anxious, and not in an exciting kind of way. More like a self-conscious, in-your-head kind of way. I read that I may be an avoidant attachment type.

the "with plenty of available options before us" part is something I don't necessarily agree with...

damn, this made me cry

i've recently learned about Attachment Theory, and see these Peaches & Cream characters as the Anxious & Avoidant personalities.

Nice that you got your first A380's in, well done. @ 2,34.

Why are your videos always on time with whats happening with me omg

Peaches 🍑 & Cream! 🥛 love it. ❤️ adorable animation

That Apple is so cute!

I'm afraid and yet want it at the same time,it's such a draining inner confliction 😞

2:47 probably 100% of us

I don't understand anything, but good work.

Cute video.

This doesn't take into consideration the very real fact of intimacy changing, particularly before and after marriage.

Ain't this something to have late at night

I feel like I’m having this issue! Been avoiding getting into relationship with girls and in my head n.1 reason was that I was afraid to hurt them unintentionally because of…well, my flaws of human nature… Still having this mindset now that I’m 20. I feel like I had some family stuff that could have provoked that feeling, but I wonder will I be ever able to overcome this. For now, I’m just not considering “playing” with other people and reluctant to relationship at all. I can see myself with someone but only when I decide that they I really the right person and I’m at the stage of life where I’m ready for it… In the meantime, there are many cool ladies in my uni, but I feel like I intentionally don’t progress my relationships with them and cut them off once the interest rises on their part. Damn, I’m traumatised 😅

How about that, got a notice.

It's me, even when others wanted to get close to me, I fled. I can't help.😢

Not afraid, only sometimes stressed and worry

Me before even watching the video: YES

how

It helps to remember that relationships are mirrors into ourselves. We may complain about our partner's behavior, but it's not what is causing us misery - it's our expectation from our partner to give us something we're incapable of creating in ourselves that causes the disappointment, misery, and chaos. “Relationship is a process of self-revelation - revelation of oneself through contact with others. Others can help us to see ourselves as we are, but this revelation is denied to us if we depend upon them or use them for our gratification or happiness.” - J. Krishnmurti

It' s so confusing . At times, I'm so tired, with so little certainties in my effort to understand myself or others, especially when in a close relationship. Everything gets so complicated, mashed up, both individually and as a couple. It's Sunday today. I value being by myself and not wanting to need to understand. I don't want to know.

Pause @ Peaches and cream 😭

I think we choose emotionally unavailable partners in an attempt to reconcile feeling unloved by an emotionally unavailable parent. Also that allows us to blame our partner for our own hidden fear of intimacy because on some level that distance and disconnection feels safe and known to us.

❤

Growing up with a malignant narcissistic mother paved the way for taking care of others to the deficit of myself. Well, party is over or should I say party just getting started 🤣💪🏽🥰🐬💐

❤❤❤

ha that's about me

👏🏾

We are afraid of intimacy; the question is who do we actually WE refer to? The importance of WE is essential for us to be in the want of intimacy! We don't bother if some people gathered together for sometime for some purpose may impact us differently and in different levels of depths to each one in the confluence! We don't have much to fear of not having something we'd otherwise consider when an incongruency is noticed by the people in question, who is or are affected matters according as each one has been involved in others! The chosen ones, for example,for their holding inside them that inconsistency shouldn't have occurred and these people would be happy if the going was as it has been! But for the rest of the confluence of people it doesn't carry much weight if ever such occurred! The later section have nothing to do if someone apparently intimate stumbles on something for his discomfiture depite the fact that there maybe one or two who identify the incongruency as theirs and the intimacy gets a hit when these people see that they are better off not to lose intimacy for its sake and they try their level best not to fall in the dangers of losing intimacy! Intimacy has different levels of it and it grows like fondness in us and we become closer and closer but for our being in a civilized growth we fix the line of being intimate and this habit of fixing our lines made us afraid of going forward to break the line even when we shouldn't be tied ourselves in the fear of being so intimate before we have a green signal from the place we consider enough to be intimate and the places from where we take a decision for going forward may start from the single person like us to a whole class or society! Nowadays we come of age, we are free to mix, we become intimate, we marry, we bear children, and we become old together and we are still intimate though the face of it has changed! Once we overcome the fear of bearing with the consequences of acceptance or unacceptance it's gives us a lifetime happiness of intimacy if our effort doesn't fall flat on the first approach but fear goes off with the efforts are made from both sides!

👫

Great take, but it doesn’t take in to account violence and how a person’s behaviours often mirror there abuse, after being consistently bullied and abused for a considerable length of time anyone becomes guarded and unfeeling.

Not with the scarf and beret 😭😭

👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍

Stop calling me out like this Alain!

In many cases… actually , most of them, I’m the Cream character

I’m 50/50 to be honest, it’s according on the time of month🙂‍↔️

This is kinda phenomenal, but why did I have to discover it at 12:10am on a work night while trying to shut my brain off? 😅

You guys couldn't have posted this at a more relevant time

There is a difference between being afraid of intimacy and not wanting to share that private space with anyone.

What about the people who don't get to choose their partner 🤔

Am I wrong.. to prefer to be with myself.

They say the anxiously attached always end up with a dismissive attached lol .. they love to chase the unavailables

i just hate people 😂😂

afraid? nah, but done with this and it's not even a sad feeling or thought

I feel like this video was directed at me..

I don't know about this video. I'm not afraid of intimacy, but have found myself with people like that. It can take a long time to learn what they're really like, some hide it well. So, no, we don't choose these people. If someone is emotionally unavailable, just leave them, find someone who will actually appreciate you. It's painful trying to draw blood from a stone otherwise.

It's pretty blatant actually, I need no help recognizing that fear.

I’ve only dated twice. I’ve never had a partner.

O god, thinking of narty stuff

If it’s named Virginia Wolff.

After 30+ years of dating all sorts of women, putting up with their emotional neuroses, bringin' 'em flowers, singin' to 'em, marrying one (and requesting the div later on), and finally rolling the dice on the last and only "best connection" I ever had... but that situation *also* being poisoned by the female's NPD, DID, OCD, Anxiety, etc. ... ummm, NO THANCOO ANYMORE! 😁 I'm good. Eetz fine, son. I served my time, did my best, supported many of 'em in their darkest hours, and always went above and beyond. But I'm ready to enjoy my last few years in awesome solitude! 🥂 I like it; it's bloody fantastic, TBH. I wasn't used to it until 2020 or so, but now, I LOOOVE EET! 😁

Some people cannot imagine intimacy and so are scared that way. Others have a clinical condition that is hard “to get rid of”. Even your most vaunted sex neuroscientist cannot obtain intimacy because nothing ever comes out of it, as you can see for yourself. I mean, how many times are we going to do this? I got all the sex that I needed before I got married. It’s a pain in the ass.

- 0:04❤ Sometimes, in relationships, we blame our partner for being "afraid of intimacy" while seeing ourselves as emotionally open. - 0:48🤔 However, we forget that we chose our partner willingly, which complicates our narrative of victimhood. - 1:33🚫 Critically, our behavior may undermine our desire for intimacy if we belittle or criticize our partner. - 2:16🔍 A mature approach involves recognizing that both partners may fear intimacy, not due to malice, but past experiences. - 2:53🛤 A sincere path to intimacy starts with acknowledging our own tendency to blame and accepting our shared vulnerabilities. - 3:19🤝 Ultimately, understanding our shared fears can lead to compassion and tenderness in the relationship.

Thoughts and feelings, the most exaggerated things in the world. No, in the universe. No, in the multiverse. LoL