I am with Lady Gaga and Beyoncé on this one. When you break a mirror, you can take the time to painstakingly lay the pieces out and meticulously glue them back together… but don’t get it twisted. You’re gonna look at it close up and still see the fucking cracks. And you are right. It’s not the sex itself. It’s the betrayal, the fact that someone who is supposed to love you above all others, purposely chose to do the one thing that would kill you without actually murdering you.

Not necessarily related to the cheating topic, but in my own experience with my therapist-she doesn’t give me “advice”. Unless there’s some obvious way I’m being a danger to myself or others, she really just helps me break down my thoughts and feelings about a situation and guides me through making a decision based in my own beliefs, consistent with who I am. Maybe that’s where the aforementioned therapist went wrong in the first place lol

My therapist disagreed with me that I told my boyfriend I had cheated on him. She disagreed with my idea of cheating and told me that we hadn’t dated long enough to feel bad about the kiss and that if I knew it wouldn’t happen again why did I tell him. I told her that I value honesty and I wanted to make a change to my behavior. I told her I wanted my boyfriend to have the information and make an informed decision and she disagreed with me. And she told me now I get to see if he is a forgiving person. Now being a therapist for years I look back on that experience so much and am glad I changed therapists. My boyfriend and I did the work, I look in the mirror at myself A LOT and it was really uncomfortable and…we’re now married and have a 9 month old and are closer than ever.

My therapist said "I love you the way you are" on our first meeting. It felt icky. Turned out he was a pimp and had abused some patients. So glad I noped out of there.

I had a similar experience with my last therapist when I told her about my ex who cheated on me early on in the relationship & how he lied about his entire identity at the start & she basically told me to not end it, that it was a "real" relationship & that if he didn't lie i wouldn't have stayed with him, like she was sympathizing with my ex, hell no, i even told her, well no shit if i found out early on I wouldn't stay because it goes against what I want in a partner. I ended up leaving him and later finding out that he actually continuously cheated on me after that on snapchat and with the strippers from his friends bachelor party. So, yeah, I have changed therapists since then & I am still healing from that relationship despite it only being 8 months long.

I was cheated on by my ex, and the explanation she has was "that it wasnt cheating because there were no emotions involved" but you're right what hurted the most was the lying and the discover of it

I was luckily never cheated on or did cheat. In my opinion cheating is the most coward thing you can do in a relationship. If you're lacking or missing sth in a relationship, which draws you to cheating, maybe seek out a serious conversation with your significant other. On the other hand, I would want to know when my partner cheated and I would always confess if I were cheating. In a relationship you owe your partner this honesty. There are other relationship types apart from monogamy, but the cards should be on the table and everyone should be on the same page. There is absolutely no shame in wanting to be intimate with multiple people at the same time. But never behind someone's back, that is just disrespectful of the trust and loyalty your partner puts in you.

I feel like the majority of cheaters don't feel any remorse over the actual act of cheating. They would do it again if they thought they could get away with it.

This is true with any lie or hiding something in a relationship. Not just cheating. If you can't be honest with your partner than you need to reevaluate your relationship.

When you say “there’s no good reason not to” that is absolutely not true. One VERY good reason to keep incendiary information to yourself is if you aren’t safe in the relationship, and aren’t safe to leave. In that situation, you prioritize survival.

👏🏼 PREACH! Great message! I know I shouldn’t depend on therapy here on KZfaq but dammit, you consistently give awesome advice!

Thanks for this. I remember there used to be this advice columnist I would read whom I mostly enjoyed, except that every time someone wrote in asking what they should do about the fact that they'd been unfaithful, her advice always amounted to, "Don't do it again, but keep your mouth shut about it. Your wife/husband/whatever must never know." That always bothered me because, in my non-professional opinion, it always seemed to me that trying to hide it would only make it worse. It's taking away the partner's ability to make an informed decision about whether they want the relationship to continue, and in the very likely event they find out anyway, it just adds another transgression (the lying) on top of the infidelity and makes the trust that much harder to restore. I find it gratifying that you have the same view on it that I always did.

You definitely shouldn’t tell your spouse, if you care about the spouse more than yourself, you are doing it to relieve your own guilt by hurting the spouse. If the spouse never finds out, it could not hurt him/her.

Not telling your spouse about infidelity robs you of the opportunity to learn accountability for yourself. I saw this first had in my parents marriage. My dad cheated on my mom constantly through their marriage and by not telling her the first time it happened he robed himself the opportunity of accountability and honesty. And that missed opportunity only led to more and more cheating until she and all the rest of the family found out and the pain of all that’s had on our entire family is irreparable.

If you cheated the worst thing you can do is to hide it cause when your wife or husband catches you they'll be even more upset with you.

I think having the courage to admit it will put a person on better immediate terms than discovering it. If they discover it, they'll have to expose it and blame and make you admit it, but if you just flat-out say it, you're obviously admitting something so secret and damaging because you want to make things better, and you have the courage for them to see a bad side of yourself. Truth is acceptance, and lying is denial.

Me and my now ex went to marriage counseling when our arguing was out of hand and the therapist looked me straight in my face when I said I would like to get to our core issues when he tried to recommend “date night” ideas you regularly find on Pinterest and said to me “I find black women to be more masculine and Asian men to be more feminine, could that be the issue” and I was stunned and never went back to that man again. I found another therapist who was worth her weight in gold and yea, he was abusive, my ex was psychologically, verbally and emotional abusive and refused to get tested for anti-personality disorder when 1 psychiatrist and 2 therapist wanted him to. I can never forget how this man proudly told us it was because he believed us to be racial stereotypes.

Own what you did with no excuses.

Own it and accept the consequences of your actions and be willing to make amends

I know someone who cheated on their spouse, and when I asked if they felt guilty, they said, "No, because we were both adults, we both knew what we were doing." I guess that's either someone who is completely checked out of the marriage, they are done, and for them it's over. Or they're a psychopath. Both sound sad.

I might be the minority, but the deception isn’t worse than the act to me. If he waited to tell me, or told me right away, the fact that it physically happened is what would kill me. The physical acts of love meant only for me, being given to another is the problem.

I'm polyamorous, and I cheated, and my primary/spouse forgave me because I came to them ASAP with crushing remorse and a plan to avoid the same mistakes. Still strong, but I still haven't forgiven myself, even if they have.

This is spot on. I was in an affair with my former therapist and have been spiraling out of control since…… 😔

I've never been cheated on per se' but my dad cheated on my mom when I was 8 and, since I was 8, I didn't know what cheating was exactly so I thought dad was out there trying to marry while still married to mom because, due to 8 kid logic I believed I was such a disappointment to dad that I drove him to want a brand new family. That affair never stopped so now I do NOT trust men.

Therapist: So, your partner had an affair with someone who was in a relationship before you came into the picture, and you're upset about that... why? Me: Because I hate cheating. Therapist: Then you'll either get over it, because it's not a big deal, or you'll break up. Moving on.

How much of being a therapist is trying to mend the damage and hurt other therapists caused

Decades long lies on any level are ugly. Here's why: it COMPOUNDS the emotional side. It intensifies all aspects of the event. Just come clean. Do it as fast as feasibly possible. If you want to keep your family, then work you arse off to earn back respect and trust. Rebuild. Otherwise, correct, living a lie. Just like compounding interest in an investment account creates wealth and prosperity (builds), compounded lied does the exact opposite- tears down. Yes, the truth eventually comes out.

Thank you so much for this. I am in a bachelor's program to become a counselor, and your videos always provide phenomenal guidance. I appreciate your time and sharing your wisdom with us all.

How can you say it *never* stays a secret? Doesn't that depend on circumstance? I get it, as a therapist it is your job to help your patient, not your patient's spouse. Telling a patient to keep the secret and live with the guilt for the rest of their life doesn't fulfill that responsibility. However, to assert that it is *always* best to transfer that guilt and inadequacy to the one you love most, is all kinds of selfish. (All in my unprofessional opinion of course.)

It all eventually comes out. How you phrase it is so interesting. For my clients, I usually call it the "TV Sitcom Scenario" when I break it down. Before the episode, your interactions and the events, come to an end; it will come up again eventually. It really all plays like a terrible TV Show when there is deception, lying, and circumventing things is consistent until eventually the problem will have to be addressed by the end. Though I utilize this perspective for them to understand how all relationships (platonic and non-platonic) have things that need to be addressed with underlying feelings, I find this to be true in relationships too. I will have to get to this level of eloquence when it comes to explaining it in the way you have. 🙂

Thank you KZfaq therapist guy!

Couldn't one argue that it would take a certain level of arrogance to assume that the person would stay knowing that you'd committed such an egregious act of betrayal? I read a story about a 90 year old man who divorced his wife over an affair that had happened early on in their marriage. They had been married like 50 years and lets face it he didn't have a lot of options for starting over with someone else. I would seriously say it depends on the situation and what you're hoping to accomplish. Yes, they have every right to leave if you tell them, you broke a vow in a very serious way but if you're just looking to assuage your own guilt? I kind of feel that that is just going to have to be your burden to bear in silence. It's not fair to destroy someone else's reality and world and to put that on them unless you absolutely have to (this assumes that the affair is old or very much over and you have completely amended your life). If you really think it is going to come out anyway I agree that it's better to come from you first. At the very least they have the right to hear that kind of news from their partner.

The scripture you quoted is Luke 8:17 The best answer is don’t cheat in the first place if you really love them Get help before you destroy your life or marriage or get a divorce first

Man this worries me about child therapists. Adults can (sometimes) tell when their therapist isn’t it. Kids can’t do that. Kids are by nature, very ego-centric, so that means when something isn’t working out the way they hoped, they tend to just blame themselves

Not everyone feels guilty lol. Sometimes telling someone only makes the preparator feel better.

I was that girl the guy cheated on his gf with .. I never wanted to be a part of that, ever. Me and him were just friends "with benefits." His phone was going off repeatedly this one time and I asked him if it was important and he said he will call them back later. It ended up being his new gf (he was single when I first met him, for sure). I had a long talk with him afterwards about why he did it and if he felt guilty, if he would tell her, etc. I literally heard him talk on the phone with her afterwards in my kitchen like nothing happened, and he even said "I love you" casually to her (He thought I couldn't hear the convo). He said he wouldn't tell her cuz it wouldn't do any good, and it would just upset her. He didn't tell me he had a gf of course cuz he knew I wouldn't see him still. That pissed me off SO bad, and can't believe I was even friends with someone like that.

Have I been betrayed? Yes. I don't give a sh!t about their excuses. Have I ever betrayed? No. I am proud to say I stuck to my guns. Even as a writer of erotic fiction I stay away from that part of the genre...

Just confessed to my wife that i slept with a stripper. She is very upset but willing to give me another chance. I told her that i will love and support her and our kids for the rest of my life even if she chooses to leave me. I hope i can make this work

It all really depends on how far you're willing to go for your goals, and how capable you are of going far

I tried therapy at age 18 after my brother passed and was so discouraged from doing therapy I didn't try it again until I was 25 even though I knew I needed it. The therapist I tried when I was 18 I initially started for dealing with grief however, anytime I mentioned any other truama weather it was from my childhood, my parents, or relationships she would always bring it back to my brothers death. So much so that she dismissed any issues I have having and would say it was because of my brother or because of death that I'm feeling this or this. Finally I snapped on her on our 5th session and said my SA when I was 5 and the truama I feel from it isn't a result of a death of a loved one 13 years later. I told her that everything she says doesn't make sense and Makes every point to only focus and care about my brothers death to the end where I feel more manic and worse than I did before I started therapy. She then ended up resigning me but since I was on a wait list due to age and insurance transferring from my parents to me now that I was an adult, I got an email saying it will take about 90 days to find a new therapist and I was so upset that I wasn't free to voice my feelings to her about how she was making me feel and I now felt more lost than ever and had no support. I have been in therapy now for almost 3 years I have 2 therapist who are amazing and I feel free finally being able to heal in a safe space but it's sad because I wanted to give up and I know alot of other people would of as well.

3:38 am This is so how I feel open and honest can bring healing for both .

I think the one scenario in which I would think someone should not tell their partner about their cheating is if they're worried about their safety, but honestly in a relationship where that's a concern at all you should really be looking for a way out

My therapist once told me when I get a job all of my depression and anxiety will go away. Not anxiety about getting a job, which I didn't have much of, my diagnosed anxiety and depression. Pretty much all of my problems will go away when I get a job.

About this subject... What would you do if you discovered your friend cheating their spouse? We discovered it recently by accident and me and my partner are completelly split about it. I would tell, he would not.

I was told in the way that a “charismatic pastor” would confess. I’m still coping with the feelings.

Lol why am I watching this. Im not even in a relationship

When it comes to cheating in my family is mixed bag and I hate lying or being lied to. When I notice what my partner does or what I do, I get tired and talk less. If I were to cheat, I'll wait until it's just me and partner to talk about whether we stay together and what are the changes in our relationship or breakup/divorce. *Have a punching bag and boxing wraps for anger. If I were cheated on and they brought it up, I'm proud that they're owning up to their wrongdoing but they're not showing me what they're willing to do to prove that this won't happen. If I find out, I'm going to be a fun person to deal.

what do you thing about EMDR therapy? I have a lot of trauma and my therapist recommended this kind of treatment to me. Is it a scam? I have no idea, even though I've done my research...

5/5STATSS⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

My dad cheated on my mom, and i didn't know how or why they divorced before the age of 21 or 22.. I have a big sister that's 11 years older than me, she didn't know either.. I thought my mom had divorced my dad because he is a lazy asshole to be honest, but i found out that my mom had actually been fighting till the last day to keep the marriage going, she even told me recently that she had tried to make them go to couples therapy and he had legit walked out yelling it was "some fucking bullshit".. She new he had been cheating and she stayed for another half year before he broke it off, so he could marry the new woman.. The reason we don't know this is because that relationship ended after a couple of months, and we where never really introduced to her.. i was 3 and my sister was 14, she didn't really like home so she didn't pay much attention i guess (that's fair). I don't hate my father, i just wish they had parted years earlier to be honest, i know i wouldn't have been born, but shit their relationship ruined both me and my sister. Now i myself have been on the cheating side tho very innocent to be honest. I was in a "relationship" with a guy and all the romance and intimacy had been dead for a long time, i had told him multiple times that we needed to change things or i would leave, and he gave a ton of empty promises, i got so emotionally numb towards him i didn't care about anything regarding him or my life with him, i just wanted out.. I was with to friends for a weekend, one is my best friend also into guys, and the other was our mutual friend, and i had started to like this guy more and more, we ended up kissing, but before much more happened he told me, that i was in a dead relationship and i should get out before we could do anything more, very respectful i would say. I got the courage to call my mother and ask if i could come home for a time, and i broke up with the guy i was with. I also found out that he had been trying to cheat on me, and he had like 6 dating apps on his phone, and leading up to the breakup he met a lot of "friends" when we where out for groceries and stuff, he had started running again and apparently had like 4 different girls that he ran with, and he never told me before they greeted him in front of me? I'm not the jealous type, i would have encouraged it, but it seems weird not telling your partner like "oh yea i met this other runner and she asked if we could run together to keep up the spirit", also i knew from our 2 years together that he had no more friends in the town, as they had all moved closer to the big city, so yea, i don't really feel bad for that one to be honest.

*really somber, serious video about talking to your partner about cheating* *SUDDEN JAZZ MUSIC*

Can we have some positive content about people who don't cheat and always respect the people they love? I feel like we are sorrounded with negativity in media and we never share good news. People who say "having an affair was not something I expected, it goes against my values" are just lying to themself. You don't cheat by mistake or without thinking about it.

But what if you don't have guilt or feel terrible?

What would you tell unrepentant cheaters, the ones who tell you they cheated as if proud of it and want you to agree with them?

5/6Bafdeggs⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

I kind of disagree here. If it's longer affair sure but if it's one time thing I think you shouldn't put your problems on your partner to clear your conscience. I understand everyone can stumble but I don't think I could get over my girlfriend cheating on me, if it was one time thing I would prefer to not know.

This is such a typical man's perspective. If it isn't safe to tell your partner, DON'T. If it isn't beneficial to your relationship to tell your partner, DON'T.

"Carried that guilt," probably, if you're a man (I've never cheated, and never would, so I don't know,) but women have zero sense of guilt. No matter what they've done or are doing, they think they're right to do it.