I'm 34, and let me tell you my absolutely favorite thing about early/mid 30's: you're old enough to have the wisdom to understand how young you still are.

Happy Birthday Cheyenne! From your Pre-cal teacher-Ms. Suarez! So proud of all of your accomplishments!

A few years ago (I'm about to turn 50 years old and I'm from Sweden) I came across this poem by Kristina Lugn on the street one day (roughly translated) "There is grief in living. If you don't understand that you'll never be happy". It blew my mind. And I'm someone that doesn't understand poems, at all. (Not sure if it was supposed to be a poem though) It's really hitting hard now that my parents, my friends, we're all ageing and we're starting to be closer to the end than the beginning of life. There's not much one can do about it but it is so very saddening. It is grief. On a lighter note I love how you dealt with your inner critic by saying "I love you" every time you said or thought something bad about yourself. I'm definitely going to try that out for myself. Much love and Happy Birthday from Sweden!

I'm turning 35 on the 20th, and this made me all sentimenty thinking back to turning 30, and how at peace i was to be hitting that age. 5 years down the line, I'm still peaceful. My life is cozy and warm, i get to play pretend with my friends too. And I love myself, I love the things I used to hate (my body, my armpit hair, my loud laugh, my autistic mind). I'm so happy I made it here. I'm so proud of teenage Fern for not giving up. I'm proud of 19 year old Fern for moving out on her own. I'm proud of 31 year old Fern for leaving a relationship that was bad for her. And I'm proud of 35 year old Fern for still being happy to learn and grow. I'm proud of every piece, part, and aspect of my journey. Happy 30th Chey, and welcome to the next leg of your journey

sobbing, crying, weeping... this is such a lovely reminder to be kind to ourselves, and that there's always a better tomorrow on the horizon. I'm about to graduate college and have been a twinge frightened of moving onto the next phase of my life, so thank you for sharing all your thoughts on this stuff 💕 happy happy birthday!!

cheyenne, you might not see this comment, but i’m 24 now and have been so cruel and unkind to myself with my self-talk. your video made me believe i’ll get better and that life only gets bigger, that the world doesn’t end because i feel myself not living up to what i want. thank you for this video, it feels like a warm hug 🍁

oof, this really hits. im at a pretty large turning point in life, and am extremely nostalgic and sentimental all the time. i've been doing so many things to revel in nostalgia, like playlists, content, etc. because i just Want It Back. there is so much i long for and it's basically adult-ified childhood. the wonder, joy, laughter, fun, and beauty of adolescence but in a grown context. i'm not near turning 30, but i totally relate to your experiences with sentimentalism and nostalgia, and not wanting to let it go, or just wanting to go back. i understand. thank you for this video

Hi Cheyenne, I've been subscribed to you since pretty much the beginning and I remember those sad videos in the small apartment and how comforting they were at the time. I turned 30 in January and feel like I could have made this exact same video. That journey of self-love is one I've been on for at least the last decade and to be in a place where I can truly say I like who I am is a wonderful revelation. I'm very much enjoying being 30 so far. I spent so much of my early 20s wishing I was older and so much of my late 20s wishing I was younger, I feel just right now. Thank you so much for making this and I hope you enjoy being 30! 💛

I relate to this SO much. The exact same thing happened to me at the same age. 29 was the onset and I turned 31 a few weeks ago and the moderate to severe existential dread has only just started to settle. Likely because I’ve found some life direction to distract me lol. Preemptive grief is a pretty good way of describing it tbh. Wishing you well from someone the world away but a mile apart 🥹🌙

I went into this video thinking it'd be a chill chatty video and now I'm feeling so... grounded and reflective and hopeful. I've been watching your videos for 7 years now (I was 17, now 24) and aging has always made me so scared because I wonder if I'll ever get to live any life that'd be happy. It's been rough, but I like the process of looking back at your younger self and talking to them. I'm thinking back to 17 year old me and I was so devastatingly sad. I didn't think I would ever see my 20s. Now I've come to a place where I'm loving myself where I'm at, I feel so confident in the person I'm growing into. I've looked up to you for so long now and it feels like I've got to watch an internet big sister do all the scary things before I do and it makes me less scared to go through it myself. I've been made brave by your videos and sincere thoughts and ramblings. (Not to mention you've been so kind to me in IG dms the random times I reply to your stories or have something to tell you :D I know answering strangers can take a lot of mental energy so it's really meant the world). I hope you have an amazing birthday and thank you so much for sharing this video with us. I finished the video 10 minutes ago and I'm still crying haha. I'm so happy to call myself a Cheyenne Barton fan 💛💛💛 Take care! - Sarah

You shine so bright Chey

preemptive grief is exactly what i’d call that feeling. i’ve been feeling it a lot lately, esp watching my parents get older while they live far away, wishing i could spend more time with them than i am currently able to. also the visual of looking back and seeing all your past versions of yourself resonates so hard for me. i picture my younger selves as nesting dolls that live in my chest right next to my heart, and sometimes i metaphorically take them all out and line them all up and check in with them and let them express whatever they’re feeling or thinking about our present life, then once they’ve expressed themselves, i stack them all back up inside themselves and tuck them in to my chest next to my heart, and wait for when i hear them rattling around when they need to be heard again. all that to say, this was emotionally cathartic and comforting and wonderful to listen to, and i love you so much, all the way from the other side of the country, happy birthday you beautiful wonderful ethereal human 💕

I'm turning 27 soon and everything you said I really relate to. From the ADHD diagnosis (still trying to find a med that doesn't also trigger anxiety 😢) and that melancholy feeling. I remember last summer telling my therapist it almost felt like nostalgia and grief for what I thought the world would be like as a child and how it compares to the real thing. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and yourself!

As someone who has just entered her twenties, this video really hit home for me. You're such an inspiration to me Cheyenne! Onwards and upwards!

I’ve looked back on my journal and at some point I started occasionally ending entries with “remember I love you, even if you don’t love you” and I think that’s lovely. Congratulations on a new decade dear🥰🎉

Crying on the floor of my childhood bedroom listening to this rn I turned 21 a couple months ago and I’m in the same situations I was in at 16 when I was the most mentally ill (pre medicated). I live with my parents bc I can’t afford to move out despite my best efforts and it’s so easy to have a feeling of downward spiral and being stuck. I graduated college and nothing has changed. I was diagnosed with autism and adhd as an adult and I’m on the same track you were of trying to heal those childhood patterns of self hatred, but I don’t have the space to do so bc I’m where it all happened

I just turned 30 a couple days before you, and can totally understand the whole sentiment about it. Turning 30 feels so big, so grand, yet its just another day, kind of. A lot of my co workers are in their early 20''s, and they always asked me about my thoughts about getting older. During talks with them I realized: getting older isn't too scary, and that I'm excited for my 30's. That I am grateful and happy to have made it until here. 2024 so far is about being nicer and more compassionate toward myself. This video was a nice and gentle reminder that everything will be okay eventually. Lots of love and happy belated birthday dear cheyenne! ♥

lots of love!

Is anyone here 40 or is it just me? My body hurts most days, I need to keep a check on what I eat / drink every day day after day else my body starts to behave badly, I feel like perimenopause is coming up or already happening with me right now, I am surely having a sort of a mid life crisis. Iv come out of depression and deal with anxiety every day. I am single, divorced, design entrepreneur who is also dating someone 15 years younger and there are days I feel like idk what the fuck I'm doing despite trying my best every day. Ageing is hard but also cathartic at times. This video resonated so much with me, you've expressed it beautifully. you're special Cheyenne! HBD

I did not have crying on my to-do list today. This was beautiful. Thank you for sharing part of your meaningful milestone with us. Wishing you a very happy birthday. 🎂🌸

i've got a few weeks left of 29...holding onto this beautiful video for the time between. honestly i never thought i'd get here- my 20s were like a whole lifetime of woes and trials, and being here feels like the end and the beginning all over again. i've had little breakthroughs in habit, understanding that i'll grow older, that i will, that i am, that i want to. let's all get into our 30s!

I'm so late but happy belated birthday to a very wise-beyond-her-years 30yo! I didn't expect to tears up at the gym this morning and yet here I am! 😅 What you said starting @7:04 reminded me of a poem I read a few months ago on IG and didn't save (!!!) but it was something along the lines of : "I hope when you come back home to yourself. There will be flowers lined on the porch to cheer you up. Left by all the other versions of the woman you used to be." I wish I could remember what it was exactly and mostly who the author is, if someone can help!

Wow, I resonated so much with almost everything you said. I just turned 30 this past October and can honestly say I think it's going to be the best decade yet. Hoping the same for you! PS I also have a Pepper cat 😂

Happy Birthday! I definitely have been feeling this with noticing things about myself that weren't present when I was younger. I'm 28 now, but have noticed changes on my face, body, and movements. But at the same time, I know that I'm excited to get older and see what the future holds. My 20s held so much sadness and pain from just trying to figure life out.

Yeah YOU are great! Happy birthday to you 🎂 Thankyou for being here and thank you for being a little warm gentle beautiful creative inspiring part of my life, love you too!

you described exactly how I have been feeling.. Im only in my mid twenties but I feel a heavy sense of what I call anticipatory grief. Its a heavy feeling, but the only way I can think to cope with it is by enjoying the present and spending time with those you love. Wishing you the best!

This was so beautiful. I am heading into my 30s soon and I always had a fear about getting older. I was literally crying. this was just so beautiful! It made me think of all the times I talk to myself so harshly. I cant remember if i ever said " I love you" to myself. you are inspiring.💚

Thank you for this glimpse into your thoughts and experience with turning 30. I personally am still 29 right now and I will admit it's been on my mind a lot. I still have 9 months until my 30th and I'm terrified, nervous, scared but also at ease knowing that 30s is when you have the wisdom to understand how life truly is and built your personal identity. There's so much pressure to get everything right during your teens and 20s that it seems silly looking back thinking everything had to be solidified then. I aim for my 30s to be a time of exploring and freedom. Freedom of expectations and people pleasing, and exploration of languages, cultures, hobbies and countries. I am both looking forward to and dreading turning 30. While I do have a baby face so I generally receive compliments for my youthful appearance, I can't help but notice the ever-increasing crease across my forehead and the deepening laughter lines. Such a strange time to be alive. Happy birthday and my sincerest wishes for your happiness, love and joy moving into this new chapter of your life. ♥

I've watched from the beginning. I'm so proud of you, how far you've come and all you've been through. I totally understand your feelings. When I turned 60, 2 years ago, I went through similar "feels" moments. The coolest thing is that we are always 29 inside our minds. Our bodies don't keep up. But, we always get to be who we are inside our heads! Free😊

I’ve been meaning to journal about being 30 now but couldn’t quite figure out the words that I have been feeling. This mirrors my thoughts perfectly and now feel inspired. Thank you so much for sharing your reflections. So excited to keep hearing from you ❤

I am only 22. Recently I started to feel kinda nostalgic about the past and at the same time excited for all the future awaiting. I follow you since I was in my first year of highschool and now just a few days ago I graduated college (yes I studied digital art

Happy belated birthday!!! I definitely needed this video today honestly. I’m in Seattle (lived here my whole life), and I’m 31 in November, and it’s been hitting so so hard lately how absolutely cruel I’ve been to myself my entire life, and that younger me AND current me don’t deserve that pain and suffering. And yeah, I have some new diagnoses going on that explain so many things about my life and experiences, but shit still hits hard sometimes… its so rough to just understand how much you internalized your abusers’ voices as your own, how mean you’ve been and how much you never deserved it. Ever. We all must grow and heal and learn and start thriving at some point, even if it’s so very tough, and often still lonely. But we’re not actually ever fully alone, and we always have more growing to do. 💖

I love the way you spoke about journaling. I recently read some of mine from a few years ago and it's such a gift to have this record of what I was thinking of and caring about. Happy Birthday

Woof I feel all of this. Happy birthday! I turn 30 on June 15th, we’re almost exactly the same age and I’ve been thinking about a lot of this same stuff. I’m working on radical self acceptance, it’s so hard but so rewarding. Also this time ten years ago was probably the worst time of my life and now I’m happier than I’ve ever been, letting my inner child decide what hobbies/interests I get into. I’m ready for my 30s to be so fun :D

Thanks for sharing your heart with us! This video was thoughtful, introspective, relatable, and caring. Morgan Harper Nichols has a quote/affirmation that says " I making room for things that heal my heart". I like how you discussed music because music is helpful in so many ways! Diane in Denmark here on KZfaq gives four self-care assignments on her Friday videos and she mentioned finding new music one week and Mariane Cresp also mentioned music in her boost your mood video. Happy Birthday, wishing you joy!

Happy birthday, and thank you. I am 25 and just been put on the ADHD referal waitlist, I needed to hear this.

Happy birthday to such an inspirational person!

Congratulations! I am so proud of you

I have been watching you for 5+ years and I feel as though I have grown with you. While we are at very different stages in life (I am turning 22 in a few weeks), I have learned and grown up watching your videos! This one in particular really hit and I wanted to thank you for making it feel so hopeful. I am on the precipice of big life changes that are exciting and terrifying, but knowing my life could end up even a little like yours is such a huge comfort. Thank you for creating and happy happy birthday!

I don’t think I was ready for this video. I loved it but it’s so sad and relatable. Thank you for sharing

as it gets nearer to my birthday and i’m getting closer to 30 myself… this makes me very very sentimental. very beautiful video chey 🤍

Belated happy birthday Cheyenne! Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I totally understand where you are coming from as I had more or less the same thoughts when I turned 30 as well. Enjoy the simple things that life has to offer. Keep on dreaming, keep on learning and evolving into the bestest version of ourselves. Sending you prayers and positive vibes from across the pond. 😊💝

thank you for this video, i found myself tearing up many a time while watching this and i think i’ll come back here often. i hope you had a wonderful birthday 🌙

when you mentioned older i audibly went OUUUUU.... that whole album is a punch in the gut, but it's also this hug, it encapsulates so much of the sadness that exists in life, in the fact we lose things and time is running out and everything is so scary because it ends... but that is also what makes them worth, the fact things end. it's a hopeless cycle we can't stop, only live in it. on a more cheerful note, a song about aging and looking back that cheers me up is laufey's 'a letter to my 13 year old self', it makes me cry happy tears!! this video, maybe because you made then when you were still 29, also felt like a letter to your older self. so much kindness in it. here's to one more year on this earth!!!! may this birthday gift you with so much joy that you lose track of it!

I'm really needing this wisdom and comfort as someone who is in the phase of being cruel to myself and not having any support for adhd and feeling like a failure all the time. thank you for sharing your thoughts, everything you said is a big comfort to me.

I have many feelings about this video, and that usually means that I wouldn’t write any. But I just want to say your videos (and all your content in general) bring me so much comfort and joy through such rough times. I relate a lot to your older sad videos (but I remember them being so kind still) and your new ones bring me so much joy, peace and hope. I know it’s kinda weird bc parasocial relationships but I spent so much time with your videos and I just want to say I’m so grateful, I truly just appreciate it you so much. Your art, streams and videos feel like a warm hug, speacially the sentimental ones like these. And I really need it. I’m kinda rambling just to say… I love you and think you’re grand too. Happy birthday 💗

I'm 25 right now and I have been watching you since you moved to Seattle! You are so special and kind and thank you for being honest with us all. I right now am in a period of ALLCHANGE and it's terrifying but this video made me feel like things are going to be okay and I just need to be patient. Keep lovin' and livin' out there, you have just the stars to reach :)

Happy birthday Cheyenne. I think I’ve always struggled watching sentimental types of videos, not for lack of want but the thought of looking at my own mortality (which a lot of them boil down to for me) ultimately scares me. But they’re so important for processing that feeling of predetermined grief which you mentioned, which I totally relate to! I know exactly the feeling and you’re not alone. I’m turning 22 in a little while and still don’t know what I’m doing with my life but I hold onto hope that everything will be ok, everything will turn out how it’s meant to. all this to say that love is all that matters in the end. I love you ❤

Happy Birthday Cheyenne 🤍🧚‍♀️ and to all the lovely beings in the comments who are celebrating themselves I’m currently working to get evaluations for suspected neurodivergence, and I’m also viewing this as a new chapter for myself and my self-appreciation journey. Thank you for sharing and being vulnerable ☀️

A late happy birthday! Thank you for this video. Your words are just what I needed today. ❤

I am so incredibly grateful to you for sharing your therapy journey of inner child work and that approach to talking to yourself because have some similar-ish issues of incredibly negative self talk and thinking about talking to a younger me like that is making me also want to bawl my eyes out and boy oh boy will this be something to talk with my own therapist about this week and possibly many weeks and feels like a potential breakthrough.i could not be more grateful. Thank you as always for sharing your vlogs, I always appreciate them so much ❤

I related to this so much. 2 years into my 30s and it is genuinely a lovely time. Im doing more for me and its so amazing. Including playing D&D too! I never thought Id be the type to not only play but love it and look forward to the weekly sessions. Life is something.

That was so lovely. Thank you for sharing ❤

I like how open you are, and I feel like a friend. Thank u for these talks, it been really good and helpfull for me. Happy birthday

Happy Birthday!!

Happy Birthday Cheyenne! I’m so proud of you and I hope you have a wonderful year ahead. You’ll never be 29 again 💖 thank you for this special video

Happy Birthday!!🥳

Happy Birthday! ❤

happy birthday cheyenne xx

thank you for this and sharing your thoughts and feelings l actually cried so it triggered something for me maybe the part about seeing those close to us get older and older and how time seems to speed up and you know you don't have many years left with your mum, it has been so hard to see my mum age, l have recently turned 56 and all of my 50s so far have been such a struggle and challenging on so many levels, so you have decades to go until you reach your 50s what l would say to you and those your age is enjoy every single moment, try new things, go on adventures, spend more time with loved ones and always tell them you love them and yourself, hugs x

This is such a well timed upload, I'm actually making one of these videos myself because I'm turning 20 in about 10 days. I really relate to aspects of what you've talked about and it's so nice to see and hear proof of a neurodivergent artist making it, however that might look like. I've been watching your videos for a while now and you've always been so inspiring to my work and my life. Thanks for another beautiful, emotional and loving video, Cheyenne. Happy late birthday and I wish you even more happiness and success in future!

Happy birthday Chey! This was truly such a lovely video and to see the growth and just the passage of time through videos and just being a viewer of your art is truly incredible to see and brings so much assurance to me that I'm not alone in both experience and emotions. Time continues to go by but here I am, still here.

Happy birthday, Chey!

Happy birthday to you 💓

this is so beautiful

This video was so, so beautiful. There’s really nothing that I can say that hasn’t already been said by others in the comments, so I just want to say thank you for sharing your story, your vulnerabilities, and your hope. You are a beautiful soul, and the world is so much better because you are in it 🫶🏼 Happy, happy birthday!

Happy birthday ❤

thank you! this felt very healing to watch 🌿🌸

Happy Birthday!

happy birthday Cheyenne! 🥹💜

I love your videos always but especially this one - turned 31 last week and can honestly say the most radical thing I have ever done was letting myself heal and become soft in ways that would make me so, so uncomfortable in my early 20s. I'm still awkward and odd, don't get me wrong, but the permanent feeling of dread I always carried with me? I found ways to let it go. I started watching your videos 6 years ago when you just moved to your studio apartment I think and seeing you grow into the person you are now has been so wonderful ❤. Happy bday Cheyenne xx

Cheyenne, I am only a few minutes into this video and my soul feels understood ❤ I'm turning 30 in a few days too, and the three songs you listed as part of your sad-ish millennial playlist are by exactly the same singers/bands that make me feel this weird, gloomy, happy, chest-opening way... 🌼 I feel so small sometimes and then I can't believe that I've already seen 30 summers, have lost a lot of people, have gained so much joy, and still feel like I'm only starting my life just now... Happy Birthday 🌼 thank you for this. I can't wait to watch the rest 🥰

Man I needed this today. Very well done , sending you much love :)

I secretly establish a one-woman fan club for every single pet of my favorite illustrator/youtuber in my mind and from now on, I want to be referred as the president of Pepper fan club. Thank you.

happy birthday, cheyenne!! I've been following you for so many years, and your journey, both personally and artistically has been so inspirational. I'm so happy for you, and I felt the depth of the sentiment when you talked about being excited for this next decade

Happy Birthday! 🎉🎂❤️ 30 are good!

Sobbing. Oh my goodness. So lovely and wholesome and relatable. Thanks for sharing. Magic the gathering is also fun. Please share about your DnD character?? ❤

You are such a lovely person. Happiest of birthdays to you!

I love this type of videos from you! tk

happy birthday Cheyenne! love you!

happy birthday cheyenne! funny enough, im watching this on the day i turn 20. i have alot of mixed feelings about this next phase of my life and this video gives me hope that one day i'll feel this joy too

Thank you for sharing your live with us. I don't feel alone while I listen to you. I been feeling kinda down about aging too and known someone is tackling a similar feeling gives me a lot of hope. Thank you for everything cheyenne ❤❤❤

thank you for this video; it was so lovely and reassuring and your genuineness is so refreshing

Thanks for the reminder to be kind to ourselves now and for those littles ones inside us ❤ Happy birthday Cheyenne!

Love this and love you. Happy birthday Cheyenne ❤ welcome to 30 🤗

this was so beautiful. thank you for sharing it with us, Cheyenne ❤️

Please make more videos like this, this was beautiful to listen to

this was lovely and cozy- i needed it - thank you for making it. wishing you a wonderful year.

Happy Birthday Cheyenne and thank you for making this video.

i know i'm late cheyenne, but happy birthdaaaaaay! 💖 really proud of you. because of this video i'm suddenly aware how deep i am in it rn trying to love myself better. (for perspective, i'm 25 this year!) thank you for making me extra hopeful for the light at the end of the tunnel. *hugs with consent*

Think this is one of your best videos

Happy birthday! and happy new decade! I always love watching you're videos and you are a big inspiration to me. You're amazing, keep crying and laughing and feeling, do whatever makes you happy and keep being you!

You’ve come such a long way Cheyenne❤We love you and you are indeed amazing 🫶💕

Сheyenne, thank for it ❤ and Happy birthday😻

I’m so proud of you Cheyenne ❤ we don’t know each other in person but I have been following your journey, your art and personal struggles for so many years. You have been an integral part of my own journey, discovering who I am and navigating this messed up world with anxiety and self doubt. You have really helped me without ever knowing x I wish you the happiest 30th birthday and as you move into this new decade with more love and gratitude for who you are, I can’t wait to see what comes next for you as an artist and personally. You are amazing and I’m grateful to have known you, even if only through this silly little web platform of KZfaq. X much love

Thanks for sharing, Cheyenne ❤ Happy belated birthday!

This is so beautiful and gave me all the feelings ❤

Happy birthday 🎂🎂 I hope your 30th is special for you. I'm 34 today ❤️🎉 Well, just finished the video and I'm absolutely sobbing....I swear we're like the same person. I'm so glad you're where you're at going into your 30s. I'm still where you were before (guess I should get therapy. Ahhh. But finding one is hard. And the cycle continues). Thank you for this video ❤️❤️❤️

Wow thank you for sharing your thoughts about getting older. It’s comforting to know people are going through it and coming out the other side smiling and hopeful and at peace. I’m turning 33 in a couple of days and in some ways I feel better than I have ever felt. At the same time, I’m starting to feel panicked about being single, not having friends to spend time with in person anymore, probably not being able to buy a house, parents are aging, wondering if I’ll regret not having kids…Lots of things in my life are hard for me and I’m doing my best and taking it one day at a time, but I fear I’ll regret my life at the end.

Hello, This was the sweetest post. Hitting 30 is definitely a special time of looking back, but also looking foward. How lovely that you have cultivated the maturity to do so with love, compassion, and gratitude. ❤