i’m VERY interested to hear what you think about this one! have you ever had a creative identity crisis or felt beholden to one medium or topic? what did you take away from my story & chat? x

Goodness, hearing the phrases "so much potential" and "brilliant but lazy" really resonated. That's what I heard throughout high school. It's almost as if neurodivergent people are completely misunderstood or something!

When you gave up on North of the End, I felt relieved. I could see you had been struggling so hard and you were all out of motivation, and I was glad you stopped forcing yourself to do something that wasn't working for you anymore. I started following for the writting content, but I enjoy hanging out with you most of all. I like the deep talks about organisation, creativity, life, love... anything you share your thoughts on is usually interesting and cool to listen to

ive been watching your channel for 5~6 years and always impressed at how narratively strong your vlogs are. regardless of whether you're a novelist or not, you're one hell of a storyteller

I was so relieved when you said you'd realized you probably had ADHD, because I was waiting most of the video to say "hey, have you considered that you might have autism or ADHD?" As an autistic person with maaaybe undiagnosed ADHD, so much of what you said from the very beginning resonated with me - that difficulty focusing on anything other than where your hyperfocus takes you, the creative output in school going everywhere except where school was trying to make you go, the lack of motivation to finish a project once your interest has moved on, I relate to all of that so so much. I'm thankful that you've finally discovered that about yourself, I'm sorry you had to go through so much pain that an earlier diagnosis or a more supportive school system could've alleviated, and I hope that exploring your neurodivergence brings you happiness and better mental health

Hey Rachael & co. I’m gonna be honest here- in October I watched your “cyclical routines” bujo video and since then I have a) become a witch (it was a long time coming) b) started a bullet journal (that was a long time coming as well) c) quit the dnd game I was running because it wasn’t fun anymore (guess what, long time coming too) and I wrote a novella for the very first time. I’m not saying your video is the reason why I did any of those things… just something that spoke to the part of me I’d been ignoring for far too long. It was a spark and I was soaked in gasoline. But still- your bullet journal videos are not for nothing :) (also what an amazing video- )

Our stories are eerily similar, with adhd and creativity and lately I’ve found writing fanfic to be the inbetween where I can write something fun and quick and it doesn’t have to all connect and I can send it to my friends like right after writing it and bring them joy too. Which has been really good for my soul, haha

Thank you for sharing your trajectory. I spent my high school years doing realistic portraits and graphite art, got told that was not a feasible avenue for work, so I did a bachelor of arts, a master of arts, and half of a doctorate in literature but dropped out of that after 2 years because of burnout. Surprise: None of that was feasible as an avenue for work for me, and now I am a barista. I'm slowly getting back into the graphite art that I was passionate about in the first place. I'm 31 years old.

This really resonates with me. I have lots of interests and struggle to finish those long form projects. I’ve been struggling with my second novel for six years now. You have certainly given me food for thought. Thanks for sharing your journey!

seeing you telling your journey piece by piece was a fantastic ride, holy shit. I was awaiting for this story since you mentioned it in a video a while ago. I adored the format and your narration is amazing as usual. The piles of papers and notebooks that were accumulated throughout the years made me weirdly emotional and nostalgic. Such a tiny detail, but it added a lot of weight to your words and experiences. As someone who just graduated college in a creative field, this video feel like a blessing from the heavens. It's so easy for me to worry about making the Perfect Piece aka the Final Destination, that I forget why I started this path in the first place. When you mentioned having creative outlets that have nothing to do with work, I felt so comforted and seem. The amount of times I have to remind myself that it's ok to have fun with art and not be good at something immediately is awful. And you reminded me in the most beautiful way that is alright. And this genuine inspiring ride is how I see your channel for the last couple of years. Storytelling is something I love and I find so incredible how you use it in so many different ways and media. Be it a vlog or a rpg there's always this almost magical feeling of adventure. Changing your path and following your gut is always hard especially when done with a lot of people seeing. So thank you for this, Rachel. Your channel has become a cozy refuge and I can't wait to see what you will create next. Thanks again and have a lovely week

Oh man! Hearing you talk about closing loops with adhd triggered the Zelda achievement sound. Lol! I was diagnosed last year at age 58 (WT actual F??) and am still learning about how my brain works. I'll start projects I'm interested in and quickly become unable to proceed. So frustrating. Lots of self-flagellation. But holy mother of peanut butter! I think it's my brain going, "Yeah babe. Um, where's the loop? We can't see it from here, so we're going to have to halt work now." Thanks for the aha moment!🧡

I'm really excited for this new direction! Genuinely! I discovered the term multi-potentialite a couple years ago, and i think especially now with the disillusionment over having career ambitions that define you, I think more and more people are embracing how eclectic they truly are. while it's great, it's hard to keep it all organized and cohesive! So I'm excited for your experimentation and clarity navigating it all. Your newsletter is cute af. I'm so happy for your creative liberation as I've come to a similar point on my journey. I follow my curiosity and pick the medium from there. And I prefer fast mediums! I can't be waiting 4 years for satisfaction! And I rotate between multiple WIPs.

In the beginning of the pandemic I started playing the violin. I practiced daily for about 6 months until I started writing again and I just stopped. I was feeling guilty but then I realized: this was something that served me at that time, but I no longer need it. If I need it again I can go back to it, but even if I never play another note, it still got me through March-November 2020. Hanging on to things that no longer serve you keep you from growing.

I am much older than you, and can attest that you and your creative identity will continue to change throughout your life. There will always be times when the creativity flows followed by times when things like depression will lay you low. The last six years have been devastating and exhilarating for me, personally and creatively, and I am still trying to find my way through it as I provide full time care for a loved one and deal with a new chronic ailment that makes the physical act of creating (typing, drawing, sewing, all of it) excruciatingly painful. Watching you share your journey and your pain is helpful, you have encouraged me to keep exploring to let go of the rules and find creative practices that maybe don’t involved my hands and body. Creativity for its own sake is still creativity.

My high school years sound similar to yours. I had a father who encouraged me, but seemed jealous that I had more natural talent then him, and a mother who did not encourage me as she didn't want me to end up penniless. I had friends who I wrote with all the time. I tried to pursue creativity in many forms at a local college, fashion design, commercial art, programming, but nothing paned out. I spent a year drifting then tried to be a game designer at an art college. I hated being forced to be creative when I wasn't feeling it. Shortly after that I just stopped drawing all together. I kept getting ideas for stories, or table top campaigns, but I struggle with maintaining focus and drive to complete anything. I've recently been struck by inspiration again, and would love to do something with it. Unfortunately, I really need to tackle my life balance problem, and find comfort in doing my own thing, rather than following others. Side note, I am a newer follower, but I have really enjoyed the Bullet Journal content. I didn't even realize you write when I subscribed.

As a teenager I clearly had a tendency toward writing but when I had that big “rest of your life” choice I went with practical career and family and I have never had time to think about my creative side and when I write a proposal at work or explain a story to a friend and someone tells me, “you’re a good writer” I scream internally “I know but I don’t have time” so I totally envy the freedom and isolation that has been forced upon you. I know it’s rough for you and I know if I was in the same situation I’d regret not going the other way, but I hope you enjoy the space you have to explore yourself. Maybe when I retire I’ll do that… until then I’m a +1 follower

Everything you've talked about in this video is resonating sooo hard with me. I feel like creatively I've been lost for years now. I keep feeling worried that if I give up on the novel I've been working on for the past 4 years that it means I'm not a writer and/or I'm not capable of finishing projects. But other creative endeavors have been calling to me and feel good to work on at the moment and that's not a bad thing. Thanks for this video, it hit home!

I found you via Zoe York and I am so glad. This video right here touches on so many of my own struggles in writing. This video resonated so much with me, I have some small idea of how much energy this took and how vulnerable you made yourself in the making of it. If it helps, I *needed* to see this video. I have focused on novels in my recent history and sorta fell into quicksand on book 1. But while watching this and hearing how you changed mediums, I found the space to recognize that it's okay to shift a little -- it doesn't have to be permanent and I might just make something click. I have needed to do some type of writing exercise but struggle with the actual *doing*. That click today? -- I can still focus on this story world, and shift to telling short stories or novellas of the other creatures in my world. I cannot express how absolutely awesome that feels right now. Okay, I'll stop gushing. I really appreciate the time and energy and love you spent on this video!!!

What a fantastic video - you know the kind of content that arrives just at the very moment that you need it? Watching this really made me see that I *do* love being a novelist, and novels is where my little heart lays! :D I've shared your vid on Twitter and signed up for your Plot Embryo and Story Toolkit workshops - keep on a-trucking! x

I've been struggling for over 2 years with my writing. So much of what you said resonates with my experience and it was really helpful to hear it. Especially the things you said about completion and how practicing the process of completing a project is important, and long form projects like novels are often unfulfilling in that regard. This creative identity crisis has been so painful, but it's hard for me to talk about because I feel often that it's not a "real problem" - that I don't truly have anything to complain about. I really appreciated hearing your experience.

I just started this but I can’t wait to hear cause this is exactly the kind of creativity and introspection that I watch you for. And your Introspective creativity and Creative introspection.

I feel like I have been going through a similar process. For me it was the pandemic that just killed my love for pretty much everything and anything and i stopped writing and reading completely. I also discovered I have ADHD and that working on 1 long project does not work for me. I also had a baby in between and got pre-natal depression and i hated writing and reading at that point so much. Now that I am 3 months post partum I discovered my love for writing and went back to your channel, which I also hadnt visited for almost 2 years at that point and to see you went through a creative identity crisis feels so comforting for some reason. I'm really glad to hear you are feeling so much better and that you am happy with what you do! I loved the modern leper so much!

I can see myself so much in a lot of things you talked about (I may have Adhd, and now I realise how much it impacts my creativity and made me struggle all my life to focus on long-term projects). In my case, I spent all my 20s trying to make a living off acting and ended up burnt out. Writing is one of the activities that has helped me to stay creative. Learning about tarot as well. Listening to what you've been through and how you manage to find a balance with all your creative content is really inspiring. I also started to plan my month around my cycle, and it helps a lot in my productivity. Thanks for sharing

This was so, so refreshing! I am a very on-and-off writer, and this was nice to hear that I'm not the only one who has felt conflicted about my own creative process and commitment to my written fiction.

New cinnamon bun here. I majored in Creative Writing, also worked on a novel for 7 years, and then stopped. I was also with someone (with 8 years) who wasn't quite as supportive of my creative outlets (mostly music and writing). I ended it around the same time too, February 2020. My career in marketing/creative had (still has) been amazingly rewarding, but I have lost my creative spark because I had worked so much and surrounded myself with the wrong people.. then I felt this perpetual guilt whenever I wanted to do anything creative because - well, hobbies don't make money. Why bother? So I moved out of state. Didn't know a soul for miles and miles, no one knew me either. For an entire year. I still struggle with the guilt of wanting to create, but I am getting better gradually, so I really related to this video. It is absolutely stunningly inspiring and amazing, this video. You have a lot to be proud of, including the self-discipline of letting those projects you had to let go. Thank you for sharing this. ♡

Please please PLEEEEEASE make a very thorough updated video on the plot embryo! I just want more! 😂🥰 I totally LOVE your series about fixing stories! I am learning very much from you. A big thank you from me here in Denmark ♥️

Thank you so much for this video. I do not work in a creative field, but do work on creative projects on the side, which is how I found you back in 2016. For a while (also after being diagnosed with ADHD) I reached the conclusion that I was not built to have and stay in one singular full-time career, and was at peace with it. However, society had since convinced me otherwise shortly after. Thank you for helping me feel a little less alone. I have some thinking to do again.

Loved this video. I think, particularly with writing youtube but also with instagram, there's like a "brand" that people try to project - like YT is part of their "business" and that's great, but it leads to a certain polished-ness, a perfection, a projected artistic identity, that is not at all as interesting as what you've given us here. I want to hear about struggle. I want to hear about creative crisis - what it is, how you get through it, what you're experimenting with. I want to hear about exploration and systemic overhaul. I want to hear about creative work, and life as a creative, that is realistic, messy, raw, dotted with failures and abandoned projects and vibrant new sparks. We're so eager to put ourselves in these boxes, follow these story beats, identify ourselves particular ways.

So relatable. I would not jump into a novel if I were you, based on your experience, but I would try something like a short story. Tackle that first. Then maybe a novella (very short). And eventually 'serialized fiction' if you really honed your practice. But a key would be to speed up your writing process, because obvious "x" years per novel isn't working. You can also work on a series and jump book to book, so you get the sense of working on multiple projects, but they all relate to each other.

Hearing this story from you makes me feel so proud! I feel inspired and encouraged to just create what i want to and to keep the fire of the artist inside of me alive. I am in the process of getting diagnosed with adhd, that path is an interesting one.. i have just started my own KZfaq channel today, something i wanted to do for such a long time. This video gives me permission to just try and to not be sure all of the time. Thank you so much for this vulnerability and inspiration. You are a powerhouse! 🧡

Wow that "has potential but doesn't apply herself" hits home; as does choosing one thing to do forever being terrifying; as does long form projects being impossible; as does the demoralisation of never getting to show and get feedback on creative works because you can't finish anything. Hard relate Rachael! Yes, please keep the SMA, it's so helpful and so many aspects of creativity can apply a narrative structure to give it shape - not just novels. For me, your through line is the organisational systems and philosophies you share along your journey, and anything you want to share or rightfully sell, I'm interested in 💛🌙🌟✨

I return time and time again for those truths that hit you in straight in the heart. Thanks for all you create & share!

I loved this, you have been through so much and came through it. Also you seem like a neat person to just talk to about all sorts of subjects, it is why I love your channel.

I’ve loved following your channel for a couple of years and it’s a privilege that you allow us to share your journey. It so refreshing to see someone genuinely talking about the challenges they’ve overcome and dealing with creative identity crisis. Thanks 😊

I loved this video so much! It's a testament to your storytelling ability that I lasted until the 30 min mark before I had to pause for a break. I loved the song that you used through this, melancholy and epic, if that makes sense? (Thanks Shazam!) I really felt like I had been on a journey with you. I am doing your plot embryo 7 day course and I can see how you used the elements and it's why I felt like I had been on the journey with you. I really hope you keep the story magic academy as I would love to do it next time you offer it. Please keep doing 'you' it's such a joy to watch your work x

i appreciate you so fucking much for not just your candor, but your utter self-awareness throughout this whole process. and also, definitely, for deciding to continue with the plot embryo training and the whole thing with that, for those of us whose path truly is in the writing, particularly in the writing of novels. you are a wonderful, absolutely incredible human being, and your understanding that the things you've already offered to us (especially those of us who've not had the financial means, or whathaveyou, to fully take advantage of that up to this point) still are needed, and requested, and wanted, is just a level of maturity that makes me respect you 1000x more than i ALREADY DID, which was 1000% more than most people on this earth. you are wonderful and i fucking love you and your channel. keep being incredible, and i will keep being your cinnamon bun. :)

Sammmmeeee omg same. Glad you shared sounds like you’ve been going through a lot but I always enjoy your videos and keeping up with the journey. Cheers to new eras and points of view!

As always, I love your narrative style! It's so cool to see your eras, and I can't wait to see the other projects and videos you mentioned working on. Your stuff is literally my favorite stuff on youtube, it's such a treat when you have a new video. Thanks :~)

Thank you for this! I've been following since 2015 or so, and through it all you've been inspirational. The questions you share about your choices are the same questions I often need to ask myself. Take care, wherever your journey takes you next, we're pulling for you.

So glad to have an update! I love your videos and they’ve been a comfort during my lengthy revision novel process. This video is important because creativity ISN’T linear and doesn’t look the same for everyone. Thank you for making art and I can’t wait to see what you come up with next.

I'm glad you came to the conclusion that it's not disingenuous to teach something you don't actively use any more - it's a body of knowledge and a skill set you can share, it's no different to me teaching new staff how to use a software product I don't use because I'm a manager now. Just because it's the creative realm doesn't make that different. I also just want to call out that I think your constellation system is DEFINITELY a creative work, it's the kind of creativity I operate in (I'm a statistical analyst who does cross stitch, lol) and it takes just as much creative energy to do that as to create videos, novels, poems, paintings etc. A well written piece of code that does the thing is a creative outlet too 😏

As someone who subscribed to you entirely for your bullet journal content, I have to say I didn't realise that's such a small part of what you do! But after watching this whole video, I was struck by how much it resonated with me, despite not really thinking of myself as a storyteller. Particularly the parts about closing the creative loop: it's given me a bit of a wake up call regarding perfectionism and how much it actually hinders rather than helps to spend SO LONG on something, especially something you're working on alone, and kind of self-flagellate with it, then realise you've grown out of the original idea. And finally I just wanted to say you seem like a really cool and honest person, and you don't underestimate the things you've been through! Financial precarity and living alone can be a really deadly cocktail for mental health and the fact that you had the courage to set up and run your own business to shed some of those min wage jobs -- even if you did end up overworking yourself -- is extremely inspiring, and testament to your love and enthusiasm for your craft. Thanks again for making this video, I'm defs signing up to your newsletter now ☺️

Thank you for this! I’ve been going through a rather anxiety-ridden creative crisis as well, and somehow this made me feel better.

I’m going through a career/identity change right now that is, in part, motivated by realizing that I have ADHD and can’t make things I’m happy or excited about in my current situation, so this video *really* resonated with me.

This was so incredibly helpful (and I’m so excited for you!!). I feel like our lives have had a lot of parallels, and this gives me incredible hope of once again finding that spark of inspiration that allows me to excitedly hyper-fixate on a creative project. 💕

So proud of you for actively moving towards what makes you happiest. ❤️ I’ve been having some similar feelings of being tied down to certain projects and my brain tells me I’d be a failure if i were to let them go… But they’re just not aligned with who i am anymore, and that’s okay. This video was super validating of those feelings and I can’t thank you enough for that.

rachael i LOVE ur stuff ur vlogs are the best bc ur so reflective OBSESSED i love seeing someone always growing and changing but staying the same clever person!!! ur an inspiration to me

THANK. YOU. I will be processing this for a while, but it couldn't be more timely! So grateful for your story, and SO proud for you and relieved for you and excited for you and everything you're doing and becoming! ❤!!!!!!!!

I absolutely love this video. Thank you for creating & sharing this 💖

I haven't seen your videos in a while but when I saw your video in my feed, I immediately clicked on it. It's so nice to get an overview of everything that's happened to you throughout the years and I'm so happy that you've released the stress of novel making so you can focus on better suited creative outlets. There's definitely this misbelief that leaving a project behind means you "failed" or "gave up" but that's not it at all. It's so important to learn when to let something go and to be honest with yourself and allow yourself to be happy with something else. Your videos/the Academy still has a bunch of amazing info that I know I still reference from time to time. I can't wait to see your future projects and to see more videos from you :)

Thank you so much for sharing Rachael- being multi-disciplinary is definitely a move of liberation and I’m here for it, can’t wait to see what’s next for you!

As always thanks for the excellent video Rachael! I really resonate with the doing what works for you and not becoming a cog in the machine. I’m also going through something analogous, as a girlie who also has ADHD and finding that my PhD isn’t what I hoped/the reality is far more sinister than I’m willing to do it’s really becoming a time of transition. As we all know this is never easy but I always love your work and how you hold yourself online. You’re the only channel I know that isn’t monetised on purpose for example. It’s something I always notice when I don’t have to sit through an advert to see everything you do. I really look forward to your uploads

Here we are another loop around the sun and I listened to this video again as ASMR while I couldn’t sleep because now I’m having a job identity crisis. For twenty years I deliberately stayed in the trenches actually making things happen, and this week I picked up a pen and started administering how other people are making things happen. It’s super easy, and I get paid the same so there’s no reason that I should want to go back in the trenches… except that’s who I am. Who I was. So who am I now? So maybe I’ll adjust and write that novel soon. But not this week, this week I’m having trouble adjusting

Thank you! Really love your videos and listening to your story! I came to you because of your bullet journalling and organisational stuff. I'm a creative and probably have adhd too! Muddling my way through life, not coming to completion with various projects or plans, and always wondering what it is I am supposed to be doing with my life! Still enjoying as much as I can. I do hope you're not planning on stopping youtube? I don't really use any other social media. X

Hey Rachael! Thank you so much for your authenticity and the hugeness of this video! It's resonating with me now, and although I haven't such a long path behind me already, your journey feels relatable. I'm on my own way of learning to listen to myself more accurately, and finding a creative outlet which feels good, is rewarding--closing loops--, and is sustainable. See you in the next one 🤘

Here's a comment to feed the algorithm. Good luck in all your endeavours.

Thank you thank you thank you for this video!! I am currently going through this and hearing I am not the only one,being told it is OK to move away from novel writing, and that I am ALLOWED to switch creativity makes me feel soooooo much better!

I relate to this so much. I have also been going through such a crisis. I am positive I have ADHD as well (explains most of my childhood and adulthood struggles) and have a Masters in Creative Writing but after winning NaNoWriMo a few years ago, the dopamine wore off and I can't get myself to into writing long form for love nor money. I've recently rediscovered the joy of painting (hello interest cycles/loops!) but have been feeling guilty for all the time and money I spent doing my writing degree. Your video has helped me come a bit closer to self-acceptance. Thank you.

This is so lovely and genuine. I love your desire to interweave storytelling, creativity, and magic. Fought with myself and expectations for years around the idea of narrowing down, focusing on one thing, when what weaving taught me (I was a professional on the crafts show circuit for years) was that life doesn't have to be either/or, it can be both/and. And therein lies the magic. Also, that what you do creatively in one phase of your life may change in the next phase. I haven't woven in a long time. Instead, I "weave" writing, tarot, creativity, myths and fairy tales into my own work and into coaching others. Kudos on your courage and honesty.

I’m so glad I’m not the only one who has been feeling burned out with novel writing. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and life with us.

Thank you for making this. Lots of food for thought! I'm another likely-ADHD person - between the stress and overwork of being an academic scientist in the pandemic dealing with huge amounts of student need and living alone/with anxiety/as a CV person in said pandemic, my creative outlets also "shrank back" to DMing RPGs - but they're still stories, and in fact they've made me focus more on plot mechanics in a way that might help my other writing if I ever get back to it. I partly became a scientist because I couldn't pick one art form, and chose my degree route (natural sciences) because I didn't have to specialise, and chose my specialism (at the intersection of scientific archaeology and ecology) because to be really good at it you need to look at many facets of how a landscape works... and although it's a terrible horrible no good place to work, am still an academic because being a teacher AND a mentor AND an administrator AND a writer (of grants and academic papers) AND a researcher AND an outreach person helps my adhd-butterfly-mind-hopping-around brain squirrels actually cope with the reality of having to work for a living. I was also criticised for being lazy, not applying myself, not focusing, not making my mind up, and I found a way through "the system" despite that - I envy you the courage and self-belief to have broken out earlier, and hope to follow a little bit before I end my working life (currently early 50s). Thank you for your honesty, which makes the less-trevelled path feel less impossible or 'wrong'

This resonated with me in a way which surprised me. I’m having a creative identity crisis of a different kind, on the verge of leaving my 14-year career as a university-based research scientist after realising it’s not sustainable for me any more. I really hope I can get to a good place and a next thing soon, and seeing this video has given me a kind of hope! But the feelings of “if I am not this then what am I?” are very real.

What a video! I went through a similar crisis in high school & very deliberately chose writing over drawing/music even. I even applied to study creative writing at a fine arts university & was rejected, but I still chose to pursue sth to do with words - foreign languages & translation. Recently I've been drawing a tiny bit again, just for myself & whenever I feel like it. I always wrote short stories as well as novels - in German, there is no (widely used) term for novelist which I think contributed to the fact that 'writer' has always been more broadly defined in my mind. Still, there is this distinction between 'high art' (literary fiction, traditional formats) & popular art including audiovisual media too which really needs to go. Anyway, I'm so excited to see what stories & adventures you come up with in the future!

I could scream! You took the words straight out of my brain! I've been in a creative field for the past 11 years, and I've been writing since I could put pen to paper. And I've been trying and struggling at writing novels for the past 5 years because I thought novels were the only way I could express myself and have people treat me like a writer. But it's not satisfying! It doesn't fulfill that cycle, just like you said. I have dozens of stories under my belt that have never escaped my laptop because they aren't finished and they aren't perfect. And it's just so freeing to have someone else feel the same way. Thank you for making this video! And for making all of your videos. This is a wonderful, inspiring space. And I hope you know you're an amazing storyteller! You're paving the way for others like you! Keep it up. 🌟

So I've been watching your videos for years. Your one of the few creators that I usually stop what I am doing to watch your videos as soon as I see them come up instead of just throwing them in my watch later list. I just realized that I don't think I've ever really left any comments and thats dumb, you're awesome and I want you to know that! As for the video and your creative journey, i've gotta say very relatable! Good luck on your journey and I am excited to see what it brings!

This is exactly why I watch your videos! Chatting about creativity, bliss. Multidisciplinary creativity, even better! I relate to the 'refuse to choose' and 'how to be everything' multipotentialite ideas of Barbara Sher and Emilie Wapnick, and I love to see others sharing how they juggle ideas and explore intersections in their own interests. I appreciate your real-talk about ADHD, which is something I am quite sure I have, and it makes so many things about me make sense. Bullet journaling, vlogging, introspection, reflection ... I'm here for it. Thanks for sharing! I mostly follow you on KZfaq and your newsletter. Keep being you, figuring things out and taking us on tangents.

I resonate with so much of this! I have gone through my life much like you did and tried to summarize and make sense of work I was doing or what I was trying to accomplish, so this was very helpful and cathartic to know I'm not the only one whose done this 💜 this was very affrming to hear that I don't have to hold myself to one creative outlet - I'm interested in so much! I too have ADHD 😅

So it is so very obvious by your words and actions how much of yourself you really put into your videos and this one particularly. Emotions seem very close to the surface at times. That's not a judgment it's an observation based on who I am. So I found this video 7 months after you posted it. It provides value to me in many ways. I am a working class bloke in the southern hemisphere who didn't really discover creativity as a thing until my mid-thirties. It's an essential thing really. I did a KZfaq search for Allowing Creativity That's how I found you. So I was scribbling away when watching this and here is some of what came up. Keep your chin up. A positive encouragement from years gone by. I have found life to be ebbs and flows. Truth is sometimes hard but also sometimes enlightening. I have a visualization process for letting things go when I remember to use it, its a bit meditative also. It feels light or right when it's done. For me and life not just creativity I always go back to this; Go with the flow, it's always been what stabilizes and allows me to be me. I have written something out of stream of consciousness at the bottom of my page which I don't quite get but will share. Keep maybe being okay. Thanks for continuing to inspire. You do great work.

I really needed to see this. Thank you for showing change. I’m I’m the middle of rethinking my work. Also curious about your KZfaq video process. The technical side of how you put them together. How editing works etc.

I am currently going through a similar creative schism due to... almost the same collection of things. Years of indie publishing (stressful), pandemic, a burgeoning ADHD diagnosis, and a dash of general creative anxiety and burnout. So I'm shocked at how much I can relate to what you've said here, and I really think I needed it. Art, being inherently shorter in completion time, has saved me during this pandemic, and I've also be feeling the urge to do a graphic novel, which this video might have convinced me to go on ahead with (so thank you). Will also be checking out that Julia Cameron book!

This really resonated with me and I appreciate you sharing this journey. I also think i have adhd and need to complete projects sooner to feel the benefits of the result. They way that I dealt with that was to write a lot of complete short stories about the same character and post them on kindle vella as I finish them.

Thank you for sharing this story and being honest with us all. I can see from previous commentators that I'm not the only one that appreciates it and resonates with what you're sharing. I'm glad you're going to talk about creativity and your exploration and practice. As someone who's practiced poetry, drawing, watercolours, painting, fiction, teaching, knowledge organising, researching, biking, meditating, wicca, yoga..... (hmm did I forget anything?) I've finally realised at bottom, it's creativity that I need, not a specific medium or form. Thank you and best wishes for your own journey.

Thank you for sharing Rachael! ❤️

I am returning after I watched this video this morning to leave a long form comment, packing and school responsibilities did not leave me a lot of time after I watched to respond. I have definitely experienced a creative identity crisis - I am still quite young but mine happened in high school, I had been the art kid for my entire life in my grade nine year I was surrounded by art kids. I had always wanted a career in art, but at that point I questioned everything and settled on psychology. Now I am pursuing a fine arts bachelor at university, so my creative crisis ended a bit differently from yours but I definitely agree with a lot of the points you made I definitely appreciated this discussion, and let me tell you - your vlogs have given me immense comfort and motivation over the past couple of years so I am glad you started making them. I have a rule - If I'm watching a Rachael video I have to be doing something else, generally house related. Things like dishes, packing, cooking etc. I cannot be laying around doing nothing. Literally when this video released I got out of bed to go make myself breakfast and was dishes because I wanted to watch it. I have also been struggling with mental health issues for the past couple of years so your vlogs have been a touchpoint in those situations. I'm not sure if I added a lot to the discussion but those were just some of my thoughts while watching your video. Thank you for telling wonderful stories.

I loved this. In fact, I think you should add it to your sales page for SMA (and any other offerings you come up with in the future.) Having a quick linear overview of your creative journey is a great selling point as to why people should learn from you.

It's okay to not write a novel. Or any novel. Especially if you've been unhappy and feeling unfulfilled. I'm so glad you had this moment. I remember when you started your 1x1 coaching sessions and hoped I'd have the money to do them - I do miss the option now in your academy but I understand

I am currently going through an identity crisis of some sort, I graduated with a bachelors in music performance last year with the intent of getting a masters in music and winning an orchestra job, well with Covid taking away my last two years i began thinking that getting another degree in music would be a bad idea so I decided to get my masters in something else. I’m a bassoonist but also interested in woodwind doubling but I feel like people tell me I can’t play all of them and I have to choose one and I also keep telling myself that because I don’t have my bachelors I’ll never make it as a doubler… I’m still figuring things out but this video was really inspiring to see that it’s ok to not settle down and pick one thing!! Also, your bullet journal content is my favorite out of any bujo creator and I’m excited to see the content you post next

I am so pleased to see you happy in your life, and excited about your work! Two random thoughts. 1. That thing about young people being told to decide what they want to do for the rest of their life is so, so terrible. It makes me angry. It is so hard to undo this. Some people never do. 2. The idea of closing a loop. Oh, I like this. A lot. I’m going to be thinking about that for awhile. Thank you!

Only half way through but I had to pause and say this is fascinating, and also that I remember that key turning point in early 2020 with your moving vlog. You were, and are, one of the only KZfaqrs whose vlogs I watch, I always find them interesting and I guess comforting? Even when they are a bit sad. I think it's your natural storyteller coming through, though I also know you deliberately work to make a story each time, so yeah. Another comment or two is very likely considering I'm only 20min in!

I love that Easy Bake Coven shirt! Thank you for sharing this.

This was helpful - I'm currently feeling -d o n e- with tabletop RPGs when they've been my entire creative life for years. I'm going to need to rewatch this and reflect. Thanks for sharing!

I’ve been watching you for some years now and I can’t even remember how I found your channel (I suspect it was through writing), but I’ve loved all of your videos and the trajectory your channel has taken. Listening to your whole story here was amazing. When your break up happened and the pandemic hit, my life was going through one of the biggest upheavals and crises I’ve ever personally experienced as well. I’ve felt like your vlogs and your stories have all been a part of my own strange journey this past three years from being in a relatively established and secure career to dealing with burnout and becoming someone new whose identity is not tied to what she does and who is ready to explore new things. I love what you said about the drive to make us chose a path early on because… capitalism - it is so fucked up. I’m glad you’ve had this realisation and personal growth and I am really looking forward to whatever you are working on in the future.

I've never felt beholden to any particular media. My main media seems to drift over time making the new media stronger for the mixed influence. Often becoming next level when I go back but less capable in the execution. I've burned out with severe depression but I shift to a different media when roadblocks and gatekeeping gets too bad. These days it's design minus any particular media. I think it's important to discuss the actual experience and day to day for newbies coming along so they avoid the hard life I've had

This made me realize I am also in the middle of a crisis and I'm thinking hard about that. Thank you so much for this video and all your videos

Hi ! I don't follow you for a long time but i love what you create now, on youtube at least I think your content is the ADHD content that I prefer on youtube even if it is not what you want to create. It helps me to understand how I work and how I create. I'm a teacher, not a writer but what you've been trough talks to me a lot and i thank you for that I will love to see the next stories you will tell us (especially if it is RPG related, i would love to go further into that right now) Have a nice day and thank you one more time !

Coming from somebody who doesn't *know you*, but has followed your channel with interest for years, I'm just gonna say the main thing I have learned from you, probably the most valuable thing, is that The mind has an infinite well of possibilities, and you can mine that deep subconscious well, but you have to, to paraphrase you, strap on your head torch and get in there... also that, What people tend to call writers block is mostly just a lack of motivation, and as somebody with ADHD, who has struggled to do basic things most of my life, including basic math, reading, holding down a basic job, I understand that motivation is a key factor in doing most anything well. Manufacturing motivation is like the ADHD hack for executive function, which we struggle with immensely. We also suffer from a dopamine deficiency which isn't as widely talked about. And because of that we are constantly seeking out novelty, something new, or at the very least some new angle to view the world so that we can be excited again, motivated... So what I'm going to say, as an outside viewer of your process… Maybe the problem in making art or finishing art is this need to make it your identity, especially your public identity. I totally get wanting to do other projects and you should, and you should never feel bad about that, but deciding Who you are and what you want to be with some sense of finality… I don't know if that's gonna work… I mean I'm not you, so maybe it will work for you. who knows? ...but in trying to imagine that for myself it's difficult… Could I say with finality that I'm not going to do a thing, or that my identity is this other thing now? Maybe temporarily. but that's the thing isn't it? Everything is temporary. The thing about that that sucks is while an ADHD person craves novelty, we also crave consistency… It's kind of a double edge sword. Lol. Keep up whatever it is that's making you happy. in the long run you gotta do what you gotta do. You are brilliant and I think everyone who follows you can attest to that.

I feel like I’ve been having a creative identity crisis my entire life 🫠 I recently had the courage to come out and say “I am a writer” which was a huge step for me because before I’ve never been able to commit to anything. But I also know that that might not last forever and that’s totally okay. Thank you for your story, it’s been so helpful in putting perspective on my own life and creative journey! I know it’s been hard but it sounds like you’re in a really good place now.

Right - keep SMA! It still helps me out! :) Glad you addressed these items - I'm in a similar place. I want to write, but I am also really interested in drawing and would like to learn things like InDesign and Illustrator, etc. - creative but not writing. I'm diving into social media management for my son's robotics group, too, so I've been creating graphics for that and it's fun. :) Art is more than writing. And it all influences each other anyway. :)

This was a good one! Thanks for sharing where you've been and where you may be going. I was quite the creative when I was younger, but absolutely never finished ANYTHING, except maybe some short stories. Anyway, long story short, turns out I have ADD. Yay. Wish I had discovered this when I was younger. I'm on meds now, kinda helps. Don't leave social media!! I look forward to your videos!

the stuff you find interesting is also the most interesting stuff to watch!! :D ye boi love this for u

Ooooooh boy…. The adhd… since figuring out that my brain works that way I finally understand why long projects aren’t for me. I need to keep things moving and finish projects before I grow tired of them. I need to relearn how my motivation works. So yes, so many things I recognized in this video. I’m currently co-writing a novel and that works better because we can motivate each other and talking about my projects also helps keep the boredom away.

This is so on point. I talk all the time about how it's bullshit that we are expected to decide what we want to be, who we want to be, when we are so young. Our brains aren't even fully developed and we are SUPPOSED TO KNOW what we want to be for the rest of our lives? You're right - it's so we can contribute to a capitalist society that doesn't give a crap about us. I have felt a sort of restlessness for a long time when it comes to writing (the reason I found you on KZfaq) so I completely understand where all of this is coming from. I'm glad you've figured your shit out, and I'm here for the ride :)

Brava!! so glad you're feeling good about the trajectory.. I am also thinking some combination of A D and H might have affected my ability to maintain focus for a whole novel or quilt or marathon.. go figure. - OMG I wish you so much joy, totally have learned so much - wouldn't hate it if you stayed, Autumn (in Texas)

Best wishes on the next season of your life, Rachel.

This resonates SO HARD. ✨ you have just put into words something I’ve struggled to understand for the past two years about my own creative identity. (creaentity? 😂) Thank you ❤️

I love your videos for how well they facilitate contemplation, and always find myself watching them from midnight to 1am, which is... not good. But good. Y'know? What better time than the quiet hours? Anyway, two things. 1) this has me thinking about Ashfall a lot and why I haven't gotten back into it. Aside from external factors, the fact that it can't be the game I intended it to be has made it impossible for me to be motivated in the aspirations-first design approach I'd been using, and I need to swap to something more principle driven. I also need help, but not design help. I don't know what it is exactly I need to talk to someone about. 2) It's honestly fucked up how much precedent and pressure there is to make novel writing a one-person task. Plotting a story and finding what it's missing is in almost all cases a ridiculous task for one person, and I think many who really succeed at writing a good novel have really just done so by luck. Not to say the effort isn't relevant, but a) the effort is more than one person should expect of themself and b) a novel is far too much information to organise in one brain, especially if the plot is actually good. I suppose that's why we have editors, but the way we involve them is fundamentally inefficient. To put it simply, neither Terry Prachett nor Neil Gaiman could have written Good Omens. It's super weird we don't look at that and go "Huh. Strange that we don't follow that example.".

You are a very brave person to make this decision! I'm going to a similar situation, but the intert way. I was awlays a illustration person, but, last year a realised that what a realy wanted was to be writer, but i'm struggling to put this out and start to write for real, because I've already put so many time, on art and illustration that I feel that I need to stay there...

I love this. It makes me want to tell my own creative story, in its entirety (probably to myself).

Okay, I had to make notes or I would forget things and they all feel important to me... First: from the beginning I said out loud: Ma'am, please consider getting an ADHD diagnosis. I screamed when you mentioned it in one sentence. Because: SAME. Well, not really, because I never started to make a living off of creativity. Because I knew I could never pull through for a single project. I struggled all my 34 years of living with that. I wished, longed, prayed for my one thing, my one hobby, my one passion I could pursue, turn to in heavy times, maybe make a living out of it. I really thought I was broken for not having this. I hated myself for not being passionate, consistent, strong enough to just do one thing and finish it. I thank TikTok for that, in autumn 2020 I landed on the ADHD side and my life changed. This year in January I got the official diagnosis and... I think I never was kinder to myself. Like you said, in hindsight ADHD explains so many things. I really started to embrace my kind of creativity. I know that every project I burn for in one moment will eventually not be pursued. And it is okay. I'm not broken. My hobby ist having hobbies, learning about new things, thinking of things. I'm not shaming myself for starting new things and not picking them up again two weeks later. I start projects being fully aware of me not being interested in them later. And this makes me enjoy the things fully. You know, this "live in the moment"-thing. I enjoy every step of the way from having the first spark of interest to the research, gathering materials, learning and doing the thing. And when it doesn't spark joy (or dopamine) anymore, it's okay. Because I got more joy and magic out of doing the thing fully aware of me quitting later than I ever got out of doing whatever thing before my diagnosis. Because I would already guilt and shame myself before getting started. I do now allow myself to explore my ideas, to research excessivly and it's healing. My creativity, that was buried for the last 15 years (I kid you not, I was to afraid to think of things because "I would fail anyways, why bother") is now back, my brain sparks ideas and the joy I feel about this... It's priceless. Since my first suspicion it could be ADHD I have been adjusting and observing. So my projects nowadays can be started and worked on easy and as accesable as possible. Writing on a laptop? Nope, to many steps. Writing on my phone, better, but the keyboard sucks. So? I bought an bluetooth keyboard. Boom. Works for me. From time to time I make a little tiktok. Why is it attractive? All I need is in one device and all I need are the camera and the app. Boom. I always wanted to write, but writing a novel? Ha. I think the f*ck not. It's not happening. So I tipped my toe into fanfiction. Easy, tiny chapters, tiny plots. It's still to write, but I see it as ann exercise. And the last things you said? With storytelling? I had an epyphany. I really did. You are absolutely right, writing is not the only way of story telling. And just like for you it is for me. I am obsessed with stories, and the heck yes, I can tell stories without writing. This is huge for me. I habe never thought of this before. So thank you for this!! I mean it, thank you for this shift in perspective. I'm sorry for this huge comment but I couldn't help myself. I wish you all the best on you knew perspective of your creativity and your creative processes. Please have fun! It's what we are made for. Just being creative for the sake of joy. Free play. No rules, just embracing the chidlike approach of playing and trying things. All the best!!

Listening to you talk about your frustrations with the novel writing process reminded me of how the OG novels weren't written and consumed as single entities, but shorter serials much like tv shows, which seems fitting since tv is a better adaptation model for novels as opposed to movies. It's super fun to sit down and read an entire book in one go, but not necessarily fun on the writer side of things. I'm sure some people can work that way, but certainly not everyone. Also, it struck me that you took it upon yourself to mentor other people but I didn't hear you talk about having a mentor yourself. I have to wonder if you've felt like you have to be self-taught in everything and that relying heavily on another creative person to be your mentor and sounding board makes you feel like a bothersome burden. It shouldn't. Everyone needs mentorship. Do you have someone to do for you what you do for others?