You ever listen to someone's story and gradually start crying as you realize that you're not just listening to another person but to a voice that could've been yours

"Turns out it was Autism" should be on a t-shirt

100% relatable. You ever get those thoughts “I need to act normal” and then do those things and tell yourself “this is what a normal person would do”.

A lot of us autistic people are very introspective and into philosophy. It feels really great to know I can relate to her so much, however it's true that autism comes with struggles. Being mindful and learning how to better control emotions can be difficult and something I'm still struggling with to some extent as an adult.

As an alien, the feeling of estrangement I have around humans crushes me to no end.

"Sometimes one's darkest secrets are just common, well-documented symptoms." This was the same experience I had when I realized as an adult that I was autistic. My whole life I was confused by what made me "weird," (because I made sense to myself) but once I learned about autism it cleared things up.

I can't even begin to formulate the depth to which I relate to your story. I was born in the USSR in the 80's, a place and time where there was no "you're different" but rather "you're a problem". no "you're struggling" but rather "you're lazy". no "you're unable to" but rather "you choose not to". And even though I moved to a different country in the 90's my parents still had this soviet mindset that made me feel like a monster. I had no friends, so they told me that I'm just not putting enough effort. I had a hard time in school, so they told me that I'm just not putting enough effort. Basically no matter what was the problem there was only one explanation - me being bad. I never could maintain eye contact with people I talked to, this was interpreted as me refusing to show respect. Finally, a week ago, I decided to get diagnosed for ASD (I'll be 40 next year). It's still in the process so I have no conclusion yet but just like you, I'm pretty sure I know what the result will be. I just hope it will be possible to perform the diagnosis without contacting my parents. I haven't talked to my mom for about 11 years now because I couldn't take her abuse anymore. I do talk to my dad once in several months but he doesn't really know who I am. One time, about 9 years ago, I told him I'm having suicidal thoughts and getting a treatment and it made him laugh. He said "psychology is a scam. suck it up, life is hard for everyone" so from that day I never talked to him anymore about my struggles, I don't even want to imagine what he might say in an interview with the psychologist that works on my diagnosis. Thank you for this video from the very depths of my shriveled dead heart. You gave me hope ❤

I'm "bipolar", "ADHD", and possibly "BPD". No matter what meds I take, or therapy I try, I'll probably always "feel things" more or "differently" than most "people"... I've always felt like either "I don't get it" or "they don't get it"... Thank you All who are bold & brave enough to share your best & true self with the rest of us

"Putting on a play for 8 hours a day" is so damn relatable. It's so wild to me that people get to go through life without having to struggle to *act normal* all the time. Like you said, it's exhausting. Merely just existing.

My son is in the spectrum with intellectual disability. He is 18. Last year he confessed that he thinks everyone wants him to go away because they hate him. The social rejection and isolation are painful. I am sorry you had that too.

“Relearning how to be alive” is so valid 😂😂. Thank you so much for this, I’ve cried so much through this because I now know there’s nothing just “wrong” with me like everyone has made me feel.

its kind of insane hearing you talk about my childhood in your own words. I can't believe we all felt like this and somehow were still so isolated

"It's like the population of a small country have been trying to contort themselves into a shape that they never could have possibly made, and they're doing it quietly, so as not to to inconvenience anyone with their suffering. Certain it's their fault for not understanding. Feeling like there's some distinct lack in them that could be repaired if only they tried harder." this really sort of sums it up perfectly. Thank you for sharing your journey.

im not autistic im just an alien ( please be discreet )

I'm not sure I'm autistic, but "being an adult who throws tantrums" is definitely humiliating once people started pointing it out to me, and it actually still takes some time to feel that. Like a year of time. It's like my emotions are fast and slow. Sometimes I'll be put in a rage over a small amount of stuff, and sometimes I'll be able to absorb a huge amount of stress and punishment that I'll relive over and over and cringe at until it's tolerable. Sometimes the memories are so painful that it sends a jolt through my body, or maybe that 's a way to physically manifest the emotional pain and help me come back to the present. It's not terribly difficult for people to screw with me to the point that I'm unable to socialize in any kind of normal adult way. I can also tolerate a lot of mental distress, but I've started learning I shouldn't have to be put through that. Thank you for talking about this, so I can treat the comments section like a mini solo therapy session

One of my alien tribe. Such a beautiful expression of seeing oneself finally and clearly. Thank you for making this.

Super validating! When I was a young kid I literally would say to myself “there’s something wrong with me. I’m not supposed to be here” I felt there was an invisible social barrier my mind couldn’t process

"I later learned it was because I was making then unconfutable. they felt unconfutable because of my personality." That one hit WAY to close to home for me 😢

01:28 🧩 Savannah Brown was diagnosed with autism at age 26, which brought a mix of emotions including sadness, closure, and a sense of moving on from longstanding challenges. 03:19 🦕 As a child, Savannah exhibited signs of autism, such as sensitivity, emotional tendencies, food pickiness, and a preference for solitary activities. These traits were often misunderstood by peers and adults. 06:23 ⛪️ Savannah's family and social environment attributed her autistic traits to bad behavior, which, combined with a sense of social rejection, led to a belief that she needed to suppress her true self to fit in. 09:50 🌟 Savannah finds relief in her autism diagnosis, as it explains past experiences and provides a sense of belonging. She acknowledges the complexities of early diagnosis and support systems. 13:14 😔 Savannah experiences meltdowns triggered by high-intensity emotional situations, a common phenomenon for autistic individuals. Acceptance and understanding of this aspect of herself have been important for her well-being. 16:20 📚 Being alone has allowed Savannah to reflect on her unique experiences and embrace activities that bring her joy. She's learning to remove shame from sensory activities and use them as self-regulatory tools. 20:11 ❤️ Savannah's diagnosis has helped those around her better understand her, fostering deeper connections. She expresses gratitude for the positive impact it's had on her life. 21:36 🌧️ Savannah empathizes with others who may have struggled similarly due to undiagnosed autism. She hopes that sharing her experience brings comfort and understanding to those who may relate.

I have never related to a video so much in my life. 😂 I got my diagnosis earlier this year -- took the assessment the day after I turned 33, and my diagnosis the week after. "So liberating it breaks my heart" is *so* perfect. Everything, the shame, the social rejection, the unkindness toward the self, the pasting of collected personality traits, the not wanting to be alive, the relief and peace surrounding it -- I'm so glad that you've found this, that I've found this, that so many of us have been given this. That it's possible to figure out what shapes we're meant to be instead of the shapes we forced ourselves into. Thank you for being vulnerable and putting it into words and posting it for all of us to see and feel a little less alone. ❤

as a person who got bullied and only found out I was autistic after masking my personality and emotions, this hits home

"there's some kind of deficiency in me that can be fixed with mental effort, and once it's fixed then I can join them" honestly, that spoke directly to my soul and i genuinely almost cried. which is cool cause i've been physically incapable of crying for the past few months, i have no idea why and i'm genuinely scared of trying to find the answer

Im so fucking happy seeing other people I grew up watching get diagnosed. It genuinely makes me tear up knowing others have experienced what Ive experienced and can relate.

Hi Savannah! I’m a non-autistic person and I’ve always thought that you have an incredibly beautiful mind, an eloquent expression of said mind, and your videos have felt comforting to me on a human level. I will say the contents of this video also didn’t come as a surprise to me, but partly because you seem very aware of social circumstances in a way others might not be. You’ve always come across very emotionally intelligent, and that’s why I tune in. Thanks for every video you’ve made, I’ve enjoyed them immensely. ❤

As someone with ADHD who has always been called slow, never can make a decision, always forgets, and not as stoic as most of the guys that are 23 I can tell you I completely understand. I finally can say I’m different for a reason and there’s more like me, I’m not alone.

To have one's lived experience be defined by some imperceivable "Otherness" and have it recontextualized with a diagnosis is a very confusing yet cathartic process and you captured it wonderfully Sav!

the way you express how deeply you experience things is so relatable and you put it into words in ways i struggle to. so beautiful thank you for sharing yourself and your perspective 🫶

Man, I'm thankful for going to a school where everyone had autism or related diagnoses. (it was pretty decent special ed, I had a lot of access to books, which I completely destroyed). I've always felt normal people were the aliens. Like, super-unaware of their surroundings, their own feelings, not able to face their own emotions, that somehow being my fault for noticing and point that out (which made me shy for a very long time). Meanwhile I basically went through feelings-bootcamp since I was 7. Watching a kid going through a complete meltdown in your class pick up chairs and tables and launching them through windows really changes your perspective on life (Also, everyone in my class thought that was kinda awesome because he basically stood up to not being taken seriously by a teacher, which is also something that happened to me. So good on that guy. I've heard he's a peach these days). Little side note: There was a teacher in that school that mentally and physically abused kids, then basically blame it on the kids. It happened to me too. It took WAY too long until he was found and I'm not sure if he ever faced punishment. The thing is that something like this also happened at a completely different regular school to at least two of my brothers.

This made me cry. In a very good way. Haven’t been formally diagnosed so I feel like I can’t say too much. But it’s so poignant.

I got diagnosed with ADHD at 19 after years of torment and self hatred. I was “annoying”, “weird”, “lazy”. So I accepted it as my identity and often felt I’d be better off un-aliving myself. The diagnosis and treatment helped me learn to appreciate myself more. The idea of mourning a childhood that could have been had I known what was going on resonates with me, thank you❤.

The two times burn baby burn appeared hit me so fucking hard a mix of sweetness and pain thanks for this

the fact that you can post this extremely vulnerable part of yourself on the world wide web, in front of millions of people, is a testament to how brave your truly are.

Your videos have continuously resonated with me in ways I don't think any other artwork on this platform has. There's something so cathartic watching someone throw back your own indescribable feelings and experiences at you. To know that there's someone who really gets it. Speaking from one 'alien' to another, thank you.

"and in that gap between what you actually want and what you think you want is so much straining and shame and unhappiness." I'm not autistic, but I can relate to this so hard as someone who isn't "normal"

It’s crazy listening to you speak. So natural and effortless yet everything is so poetic at the same time.

Thank you for sharing your journey with such honesty and vulnerability. Your story is incredibly relatable and your bravery in discussing your experiences with autism is truly commendable. Your openness will undoubtedly help others feel less alone and more understood. Wishing you continued growth and peace on your journey.

I’ve never been officially diagnosed but you’re describing a lot of my experiences. I’m 26 and I also struggle with maintaining longterm friendships and relationships, and feel like I’m only really able to sustain a close connection with like one or two people at a time and sometimes I feel kind of lonely and don’t have that person or two to talk with. It’s like I care so deeply but simultaneously have such a limited capacity of what I can give and who I can give it to. The things that make me happy make me so euphoric and when I find a person who is like me with similar interests, there’s nothing like it and I miss the friends that I used to have at very specific times throughout my life. I don’t know life is just wild and being autistic is a lot sometimes but it’s my reality and it’s like here we are I guess. Super relatable video though

Its so difficult to hold back tears when i watch familiar snippets of someones life as they grow up

I absolutely love this video, the opening, the music, the whimsical/dreamy look to all of it, top tier. paired with a script that made me tear up (not easy), not even 5 minutes in, and I know I've found someone that I would like to follow. I hope the best for you. whatever you choose to put out, I'll be happy to watch.

The most relateable 22 mins I've ever listened to. Bless you, you beautiful soul. Glad you got there.

Something about your editing style is profoundly comforting and disturbing at the same time. It perfectly encapsulates autism. Autism is a disability, but it can also be a blessing. When we all find each other, and we realize that we are aliens (but we’re aliens together), that otherness melts away. Suddenly, the outside world gets to be the one who’s called weird for once, because we all finally have a home with each other.

when I was a kid I genuinely wondered if I was in some kind of matrix/simulation thing because I so often felt like everyone around me had this preprogrammed set of behavior & understandings that all meshed together, but I couldn't figure it out. It's a weird feeling to describe because I never felt like I was stuck on the outside of something, I felt stuck on the inside of something. I didn't feel on the outskirts, I felt like the animals behind the glass in zoos, everyone moving around them & coming to see and wave, but not really interacting. I thought I was just broken, and I couldn't figure out why I had such a hard time just trying to be a person I haven't been diagnosed & I don't have the money for an evaluation atm, but honestly my internal experience of life lines up so exactly with so many autistic people's experience in a way I've never had before. The more I learned about it the more I just felt like I was being described by other people's experiences. & just knowing that that's what it probably is has helped me reorganize my life so it's actually suited to *me* & not the default "normal" person I was trying to force myself into being. Thanks for this video, I'm glad you've been able to get a sense of closure & self acceptance

The line about one's darkest secrets turning out to be well-known diagnostic criteria absolutely killed me. The lightening of the overwhelming shame for those characteristics that I have carried with me for years is the highlight of my adult existence.

I am not even halfway through and have to pause because the chills you give me are overstimulating. This is beautiful.

i love all of the "video art" stuff you've made over the past few years, but this feels like the most authentic one, where the others felt like more of a designed performance of your ideas. as a fellow autist, i know every time we talk to a camera or mask at all it's a performance, but it's nice anyway to peel a few layers back. this is also really nicely framed, filmed, edited, graded etc. i always feel inspired when you post these but in a different way this time. cheers

Normally seeing videos that seem eerily similar to my own reality bring a great deal of discomfort, but this video actually brought me comfort. Seeing someone formally verbalize such seemingly individual hardships like chronic social idiosyncrasies, having impulses not common with other people, constantly putting on a fully choreographed "performance" to fit in, and feeling like your life never seems to reach a socially acceptable level of normalcy without constant efforts, felt like someone spilled out the contents of my spirit out for all to see. Everything telt like a mirror reflection of my own childhood. Like you I had always considered the possibility of being autistic, but I wrote all the symptoms off as being rebellious, emotional yet disconnected, and introverted. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for telling such a personal story.

As someone who I followed much more closely a few years ago and youtube in all of its dark magic putting this video on my front page a few weeks ago, I feel such relief in watching this today. You're someone who I felt as much kinship to a person who is on one of my many screens can be. This video gives me such sweet, warm and gentle comfort. Not only for you and your journey, acceptance and progress which I am immensely proud of but also that the connection to your words, thoughts and feelings were more than just the typical thoughts of, "oh, we're just the same person" and in reality it was exactly that. My self-diagnosis has helped sooth so much pain and confusion in my life that I feel like I can breath finally in the first time since being a child. The strangulation to be "perfect" and masking to be everything that everyone else needed was all consuming and overwhelming. Now finally realizing I as I am now am enough in all of my imperfections, and ridiculousness and slowly chipping away at that need and feeling to be everything. Seeing this video makes me laugh because the troupe of us flocking together very true. Seeing this also makes me smile because the person, Savannah Brown who was a poet who wrote words that made my bones feel tender, the person that I loved and grew up alongside, the one that said things that felt like they hit too close to home, is just like me and is living so magnificently.

Thank you for sharing. As someone with a 7 yr old "high functioning" autistic son I'm listening hard to catch little hints I can use to help prepare him for the world. I suspect I'll never be able to pave the way smoothly enough to prevent some type of trauma, but it gives me encouragement when I hear your story about how self-acceptance can lead you to living a life which still has love, laughter and contentment, despite the struggle. The hardest thing right now is treading the line between helping him be socially competent through exposing him to diverse situations so he can learn to mask and helping him develop an awareness of other's internal worlds, but at the same time letting him know that he's loved just how he is and it's ok that not everyone will understand.

Every now and then I go back to this channel, and every time I see a new video of yours it seems like my own subconscious talking. I relate to what you're saying, a lot. I've been for almost 3 years now. I really hope you are ok. Keep putting yourself in your poetry.

as someone awaiting a diagnosis after years of wondering, this is very validating seeing the people I gravitate towards are experiencing the same things

Just stumbled across your video since KZfaq recommended it and so glad to have watched it. I learned about being on the ASD spectrum earlier this year at 38yo (although have always felt younger, lol) and I too have felt like an alien/outsider all my life. The mourning period of looking back on your life after learning about having autism when older and seeing all the situations in a different perspective hits soooooo hard, wow. So awesome of you to be vulnerable, share your experiences, and great editing too!

Thank you so much for sharing this. I'm a 33-year-old dude, and I've been reflecting on recent struggles engaging and understanding people around me.. How it always felt like I was trying really hard to be received by those around me, only to be confused when they react in a way I didn't anticipate. A couple weeks back I finally took some of the self-assessments available online (RAADS-R, CAT-Q, and the AQ), and scored SUPER high on each one. It feels so liberating finally having an answer for *motions at everything*. And also so sad; had I known that it's okay to just BE myself, how much less stressful could life have been?? I literally just started this journey, so seeing you make a video on it must have been fate, lol. Thank you again for such a touching and relatable peace. I found myself nodding at each point. Excited to see where this journey brings you!

Sav never fails to be autistic ❤

as someone who is autistic and has decribed their feelings as "i dont think im autistic i just think im literally not a human being. like im an alien" this is so extremely exciting. love u

Wow. I love how calm you are talking, i didn't pay undivided attention (i was crying lol) but the way you talk is very soothing. I subscribed to your channel, Thank you

I’m really glad I found your videos. I’ve never listened to someone talk and felt like they ripped the words right out of my heart, but here we are I guess. Thanks for everything.

i was diagnosed as a young boy, and definitely being diagnosed young did not make things better, i felt more alienated and weird and i wanted to be normal to the point of trying to deny the problem but had no idea how. i still struggle to admit that i am autistic, and i usually dont tell people ever. even posting this makes me feel a bit uncomfortable.

Almost everything here is so relatable. I basically wear a mask 90% of the time, the only one I am truly myself to is my boyfriend who is most likely autistic too. It is all just exhausting, and I am glad you are able to talk about it in this way

This was so so affirming and true. Thank you for this,it's really comforting to see that this struggle -especially with shame-isn't something that I experience alone. Though I do not wish this on any, I do appreciate you talking on this.

this makes me feel interesting emotions as almost every piece of video or photo evidence of myself has been destroyed or erased, this gives me a longing for a true sense of identity

What's crazy to me is that these autistic traits are so visible from the outsider's perspective, so I'm impressed that we scoot on by without being plucked out. I guess it's played off as a child being a child but as we become more and more aware of these "oddities" that they become more and more obvious. What's most interesting that develops from this is the isolation and us becoming more self-sustaining because of our very obvious differences from others. I've noticed that a lot from late diagnosed "high functioning" autistics. Off-topic but something that annoys me is when parents hide the fact that their child is autistic and expect them to overcome it on their own, I've also seen that happen quite a lot.

I identify with many aspects of your experience. I too interpreted how I was feeling my entire life as ME being wrong, a mistake, a misfit, shameful. I haven't ever felt comfortable anywhere (except when I'm alone) . Thank you for sharing your story. It's uncanny that your video came up on my feed, especially now, and how much I identify with your story.

Thank you. Your authentic recount of your experiences hit home. I have so many feels and haven't heard anyone express them so close to how I lived them. Again, thank you.

Having aspergers myself this is so relateable honestly, Glad you got diagnosed so you know it isnt just you being goofy or whatever. I remeber when i got diagnosed i got the feeling i finaly knew why i am the way i am. anyways thank you for sharing your stories, i really enjoy listening to them!

trying to channel your inner child, their gentleness and carefreeness, before they tucked themselves away hidden out of sight to everyone including themselves is such a difficult but worthwhile endeavor. I'm still early into the journey of reconnecting with her so I'm wishing both you and myself luck on this journey.

god, i always felt like a weird nonhuman alien entity all my life just trying to fit in, thank you for this video, we all apreciate it.

holy SSSSHIT Thank you so much for this!!! This channel is pure art, being able to express what you are and feel in a way that makes other people from other places relate to its the kind of thing that im also wanting to do. I can relate so much about everything you talked about that it's also inspiring me to go out and do the same. So, thank you again for showing up and god bless the algorithm for puting this on my feed 🇧🇷

I’m just watching your video now but I must say you’re are amazing at storytelling! I also feel like I can relate a lot with your childhood although I haven’t been diagnosed with autism. It’s something that I want to start talking about with my psychologist. Continue making these great videos!🙌🙌🫡

Worst thing for me is trouble getting friends or getting a girlfriend. Feeling isolated and extremely lonely is the worst kind of pain. Living in constant emotional pain is almost unbearable. Funny thing is that i didn't start having problems until my mid teens, when i got completely depressed because too many bad things happened that i couldn't deal with. Always cherish your friends and current/past relationships.

Hey, me too! Looking forward to this one. I didn’t know I was autistic until I was just shy of 20 years old. Despite the fact that I was diagnosed when I was 4 and was just, like, never told. That feeling of “I don’t belong and I don’t know why” crushed me for so long.

I'm sorry to hear about your difficulties growing up. A lot of what you've shared seems pretty heavy. But the way you present yourself in this video is very vulnerable and charming, especially the way you're able to very articulately speak about your painful or awkward experiences with acceptance and some amount of lightheartedness. I know the picture painted of you in this video is only one facet, but it seems like you're growing into yourself and slaying. Best wishes for the future!

I relate to so much of your story, not yet diagnosed. thank you so much for making and posting this video

this was beautiful, I got diagnosed with ADHD about a year ago, and that feeling of closure is genuinely the best. For so long I thought I was the issue but now I realise I just have an issue.

This had me laughing, crying, feeling SEEN. Crazy that our community struggles with feeling alone or like aliens but there’s millions of us that understand and share similar stories, pros, and cons! 💜 Please be my friend. 😅

Hit me right in the feels. So similar to my experiences and the experiences of many other people I have met who were diagnosed as adults. My diagnosis was so, liberating and freeing. Thank you for sharing!

This vid’s a banger, fantastic formatting, very entertaining personality onscreen here

All the people I've followed for years are getting diagnosed with a case of the 'tism. Feels like we've all found each other on some niche part of the internet and used each other as comfort and reasurance... I think it's nice to realize that

CONGRATULATIONS ON THE DIAGNOSIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am a stranger on the internet as we all are but I just got diagnosed last winter at 20yo. It is so big and emotional and beautiful to be able to see myself as a person who is a freaky little autistic weirdo instead of an alien :,) . Thank you for putting your thoughts and experiences out into the world. I related to so so so much of this video as I'm sure so many other people did. sending virtual love and peace

Love the artsy shots with you and your cat in the purple light.

I just found I have ADHD as an adult, and it felt a little like this. In the sense, that I always noticed other people worked differently, but I couldn't tell why. And I would feel guilty for not liking things in the same way as other people. "How can they have long-term desires? I can't imagine wanting to eat something for dinner, I can only want to eat something if it's in front of me, and if I like it, I can't stop"

what you said about going to school and performing, then doing a different performance at home really dug deep. i did a lot of theatre as a kid and i described why i liked it as "they finally handed me a script." the amount of relief i felt being told exactly what to say was addicting. i found myself constantly looking for a script. i had this idea as a kid that everyone around me had a script at all times and just refused to show me. at all times i was either trying to get someone to go off script or i tried to play my role without anyone noticing. i found acting easy because i was always doing it, always trying to find the script so when i was handed one it took boulders off my shoulder. eventually, i realized this relationship was not healthy and i stopped acting. i now know a lot of people who had this similar experience and know that a lot of people have that same fear that they will be outed as someone without a script. i found that letting go of that anxiety is challenging but rewarding. i've always gotten this warm feeling from your videos. your anxiety-ridden ramblings felt like someone was finally saying what i've been thinking the whole time. it is a similar feeling i get when i watch bo burnham or midnight gospel. it is a pleasant break from the usual noise of the internet that is often associated with the anxiety that comes from that same noise.

"It was just me and this difference for which I had no name. That's pretty heavy for a child." God damnit, Savannah. Get out of my head. Actually. Don't. I've spent too long thinking I'm alone lol. I wonder if anyone else can relate to this: I also realize, now three years sober from alcohol, that I drank to feel socially accepted while out with others because of autism. To get past that invisible forcefield and feel FINE for once around others. Like I could operate like a real human. Not constantly be judging myself for how I'm coming across or moving or what face I'm making or being too afraid to talk . So I could not constantly hear the horrible narration in my head. So I could just shut it all off and seem ..normal. Anyone? lol

I just got diagnosed today at 27.. I feel the exact same you did. Obviously everyone is different but I related to your video a ton. And for it to be one of the first videos iv come across def hits home for me and I appreciate it a lot. Love your video.

Thank you so much for making this video. This was something the KZfaq algorithm suggested and wow, I'm glad it did (damn AI, but also bless it)! I've been on this particular journey of self discovery for about a year or so and I tend to alternate between "of course I am" and "I'm misdiagnosing myself and taking a spot from someone else who needs/deserves it." One is the things is that in my online groups, many have expressed how hard it is for them to smile and present happiness... and that's one thing I've always seem to have done well, even through the few childhood memories I have. But seeing your home childhood movies... those were me. I was just a bit "too happy" and loved "too hard," so over time I learned to kinda mute those feelings and presentations to better fit in. I also made friends easily, but that was also a process. I caught on early on how different I was, so as a young kid I did deep dives on psychology, body language, biology, history, etc. to get a better idea of what so many things meant, why things are, why people react or do a variety of things. We moved a lot when I was a kid and I used to be jealous of people who lived in the same place and had the same friends forever... but in hindsight all of the moving was better for me. I could take things I learned, experiment, see what worked and didn't... and then in the new place, I could start on a better ground. Rinse and repeat. Anyway, so many other similarities I'd like to expand upon, but this is already getting too long and feeling like an overshare, so... again, thank you for making this video.

As someone who grew up with autism, I can fully relate. Growing up with autism sucked, school sucked for me the most. But I always wanted to go to college for some reason, and started to go to trade school. Ended up finding something I'm really good at, and honestly really enjoy.

i resonate with this a lot, i was diagnosed at 17, really glad the diagnosis is helping you. it feels like for the rest of my life little things will pop up and im like "oh shit yeah thats the autism" , it doesnt really stop so thats fun

I've been avoiding actually getting tested for years, friends have legitimately told me I should get tested. Watching this video, and seeing the similarities is shaking me to my core right now.

I didn't know I was autistic until mid-life. By then, both of my parents had died, and in a way, I'm kinda relieved that I don't have to tell them how badly they treated me when I did things neurotypicals didn't do. My initial feeling was that I wished I could tell them off, but then I realized how guilty they would feel, and honestly, there is no way they could have known, it just wasn't mainstream back then. 😕

when you described the experience of your childhood I felt chills down my spine. everything you said resonates so deeply with me, all your art has resonated so deeply with me that now it seems like me being autistic is something staring me in the eye and there is no looking away now. I've been pushing this idea away as I'm fairly well adapted and "high-functioning" but I guess maybe now is the time to look into a diagnosis...sending you lots of love

When I was young I would always get left behind, I didn’t understand why my brothers and sisters always went off without me. I remember being profoundly lonely and not really understanding what was going on or what I was doing wrong. Your story resonates so deeply with me. 😢🙏🏽

ive watched only 2 videos of yours and im hsppy i found you channel, ive never felt so seen and heard like i have with your videos

I didn’t even realize it until it happened, but I was crying at the end of this video. You phrased your experience so well. Thank you so much for being willing to put this story on the internet. As someone who at 21 is going through the exact same realizations, it means so much to hear other stories. I don’t feel alone anymore.

I relate to this video on a cosmic level "Contourting yourself into a shape you could have never possibly fit and doing it in silence as to not inconveniance others with our suffering." Listening to that was powerful. Anyway, you've inspired me to finally get diagnosed, eventually

I just wanted to say that this is a work of art. For many reasons. The time and effort that must have gone into this are not lost on me. The lighting and music really drive the tone home. I really felt this. In not sure what else to say but, thank you.

I’m not the type to really react to things on the internet but I audibly said “oh my fucking god” while hearing you list your childhood traits, that in retrospect were clear hints of the ‘Tism. I’ve never had a formal diagnosis, but I’ve had a lot of informal ones over the years by multiple therapists while growing up. This whole video rings so true for me, especially as someone growing up around the same time with the same lack of resources growing up. Having had the pain I experienced through childhood, it honestly feels so weird seeing such a range of knowledge and acceptance to autism now (albeit still with some stigma attached) to the point it feels awkward trying to reconcile past feelings with current times. Either way, thank you so much for this video. As a dude I’m ashamed to say it but I’m tearing up because you’ve so eloquently painted a picture of your childhood, while somehow also describing mine. Good shit🤙

I've watched this about 3 times in the past day, thank you.

This makes me understand why I resonated with you so much growing up, I’ve watched you for years and wasn’t diagnosed with autism until I was 20, I think there’s something beautiful about how autistic people find each other without even knowing the other person is also autistic ❤

While we don't align on every symptom, the *experience* of growing up autistic is similar despite, and you do an amazing job of describing it. The sense of difference and the disconnect that forms because of that, the loneliness, the pain and depression, the nightmare that school was. I just wish that learning and better understanding who and what I am had allowed me to find relief and happiness the way it has for you. I wish I wasn't still haunted by the conditioned sense of being bad/wrong for being weird, and the continual pressure of feeling like you're always the one to blame for not somehow trying harder. I wish I wasn't still trapped in the depression I've carried with me since that childhood. I wish that, those times I refer to myself as a freak, that I *wasn't* using it in the negative context. But I'm glad that there are some of us who society didn't manage to beat down, who were able to find happiness at the end of it all. I hope you're able to continue finding that happiness, and that maybe there will be others who will see that and be able to do the same.

Thank you for your testimonial. In almost every instance, hearing your account was like going over mine own youth. I was only diagnosed with asperger's on my 40th birthday and, although a bit late in life, it did help make sense of the world. Thank you for helping me feel a little less alone.

As someone with longtime undiagnosed autism there are a lot of Super relatable points so thanks for sharing! Also You have an incredible talent for filming angles, editing, and just overall aesthetic btw. The vibes are ✨immaculate✨