Shirzad Chamine's work in "Positive Intelligence" highlights the dual nature of the mind, emphasizing that it can be our best friend or our worst enemy, depending on our control over it.
He introduces the concept of the "Sage" perspective, a state of the mind that is driven by positive emotions and constructive actions, enabling us to tackle life's challenges effectively.
The Sage mode is characterized by five powers: the explore, empathize, navigate, innovate, and activate powers, which together empower individuals to transform negative circumstances into opportunities for growth and success. By mastering these Sage powers, one can shift their mindset from self-sabotage to self-empowerment, unlocking their full potential.
Today, I want to focus on improving relationships using the EXPLORE power.
Shirzad notes, “EXPLORE is about being deeply curious and discovering something new when it comes to relationship conflicts. Typically, when you're in conflict with another person, it's because you're taking a position that's different from the other person's position, and each of you feels strongly about your position and wants to stick to it. Resolving conflict at the level of positions requires that one of you give up your position, which doesn't feel good.”
He offers the following tip, “So, what you want to do is this: EXPLORE one level deeper than the position level. Get curious about what is the aspiration underneath the other person's position. What do they really want?” It is worth noting that an aspiration is something that is positive and that you would wish for another person. Perhaps this person's aspiration is to create more safety and security for themselves or their loved ones. Perhaps it is to gain more independence or acceptance, to be less afraid, to be more liked.
Shirzad encourages us to, “Get curious about the deeper aspiration underneath the other person's position, and do the same with yourself. What's the aspiration underneath your position? Then, get curious about what new position could have both of you satisfy your deeper aspiration.”
Example
Shirzad uses an overly-simplified example to illustrate his point. He says, “Let's say you're deciding where to go for lunch. You say you want to go to a seafood restaurant, and I suggest an Italian restaurant instead. Our positions are very different, and if we try to resolve this at the position level, one of us will have to lose. Instead, we both explore the underlying reasons behind our positions. It turns out you want to go to that local seafood restaurant because your doctor has told you to cut red meat consumption and eat more fish. The reason I want the Italian restaurant is because I really like its outdoor seating on this nice day, and for food, I'll just be having a simple salad I could find anywhere. Once we discovered deeper aspirations, we chose a restaurant instead that has good seafood and salad with nice outdoor seating. By exploring the deeper underlying reasons behind our positions, we come up with a new position that satisfies both our deeper aspirations.”
Tool: Explore the Aspiration
Today, when you feel in conflict in a relationship, use the explore power. Just be curious about the deeper aspiration underneath the other person's position and underneath your own position, and see if you can come up with a new position that would satisfy both your aspirations.
Step One: Bring to mind a relationship conflict that you want to work on. You and this other person take different positions.
Step Two: Now, become really curious. Push aside any irritation or judgment you might have been feeling about this person's position. Get curious about the deeper aspiration that might have led this person to take that position.
Step Three: Identify the underlying aspiration. Remember, an aspiration is something that is positive and that you would wish for that person. Perhaps this person's aspiration is to create more safety and security for themselves or their loved ones. Perhaps it is to gain more independence or acceptance, to be less afraid, to be more liked. What is their underlying aspiration that you would actually want for this person?
Step Four: Seek a New Position. Ask yourself if there's a new position you could take that could satisfy the deeper aspirations in both of you.
+1 Repeat. All day. Every day.
Here's to living, unstoppably free together, with deeper aspirations, today.
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