Another way to spot a narcissist: the second you begin to be anything but 100% compliant in the relationship the devaluing begins.

They know how to act in public. They can control it very very well. Know exactly what they are up to.

My therapist taught me a very fine lesson: having a narcissist in your life is like being a recovering alcoholic. Just like a non-drinking alcoholic needs to be on guard all the time, you have to remember a set of rules each time you’re interacting with a narcissist. Stick to your strategies, remind yourself of your self worth, don’t let them use you for their emotional regulation. It hurts when it’s your parent but it’s the only think you can do to remain sane: not to forget who you are dealing with.

He knows it's wrong. He hides it from people that would think badly of him if they saw how he treats his family. If brought to his attention, he would rationalize the behavior. He's never wrong. Never.

This is such an important point for empaths who are dealing with narcissism. We can excuse a lot of things if we feel they are unconscious or uncontrollable. It keeps us in the toxic loop.

"these individuals are unable to fix what they are too ashamed to see or examine" Exactly!

It’s amazing how they have self control in front of certain people…..but can bully you behind closed doors! So I believe they do know what they are doing aaaaand that what they do/say is highly inappropriate!

the most despicable thing about a narcissist is that they know exactly what they’re doing and know it’s wrong and they simply don’t care. once you know you're with a narcissist, the biggest mistake you'll ever make with a narcissist is thinking you could call them out, forgive them, show them kindness and think they would change and become a better person. it'll only escalate the abuse. cheers from southern ontario, canada 🍁

I had to let go of my narcissistic family to survive. I thought I was losing my mind. Staying in unhealthy relationships will cause serious damage.

I had a falling out with a “friend” I babysat for. She cursed me out because I resigned from my babysitting position, the other 2 friends, mind you they are ALL 7+ years older than me, became quickly enmeshed with one another. The old me would’ve fed into that and apologized to keep this toxic friend group. Now, I simply withdrew because I trusted my instinct which I felt all along. 30 y/o women acting like we’re in highschool? No thanks.

I think their state of being narcissistic is mostly unconscious, however their actions are not. There’s a lot of talk about lack of impulse control and I can understand that to a point. However, choices made in a microsecond, without proper reflection, are still choices. Remember, they keep their awful behaviors hidden from the people whose disapproval could negatively impact them. That is a strategic, and I believe, conscious choice.

I have an older sister who is a narcissist. I honestly think she is evil. Absolutely she knows what she does and takes great joy in it. I've actually seen her snicker when she has said something to me that she knows is very hurtful. I no longer see her. She has reached out to me several times with no success. I won't be around her toxicity/entitlement/evilness any longer.

My 82 year old negligent covert narc husband is an emotional toddler. He did indeed experience traumatic situations in his very early life. Not even 4 years old and subjected to public humiliation and laughed at. Parents not really 'present' for him, shoved off early to an internat and then later to another in an other country and told what to study by his father 'or else you are on the street'. Everything you mentioned about arrested emotional devlopment is so spot on...he is perversely happiest when he can play the victim even when it simply is not logical. And like you mentioned, he just doesn't grasp that my reactions to him (or others in his life) could possibly be because of his poor behaviour. They are incapable of inner reflection. No, their mind is permanently in the comfort zone of blaming others and throwing frequent and loud pity parties. In spite of knowing about his early life, I no longer 'make excuses' for him. I set my boundries, sometimes daily and when he starts his word salad and craziness, I just tell him I'm not into his round and round debates and I just leave the room. Too busy with life to put up with it. Thank you so much Dr. Carter for all your work. Such a blessing you are!

I appreciate this interior look at the narcissist and how they are unconsciously motivated by displacing their feelings because they cannot deal with them internally. But I don't understand how the narcissist can berate their mate or their child and then just a minute later be very charming to a friend or neighbor. It would seem that the narcissist is consciously choosing who they victimize on some level.

Narcisists are too ashamed to introspect and fix their internal problems which they Project onto others, they are stuck in their development and therefore enviously detest life and the truth which are constantly in creation mode. Narcisists in the positions of power are a formula for disaster. Thank you for your words of wisdom dr Carter❤

No it is not mostly unconscious. I have witnessed with my own eyes and ears confessions from narcissists about what they knew to be wrong. They just can't deal with the crippling shame so double down instead but they are 100% aware of when they hurt others. We need to stop giving people a pass and hold them accountable instead. Bullies have gotten away with too much.

Very helpful. I wish I’d known this 42 years ago. Mine has zero understanding of his behavior or how it affects mine. It took me over 35 years to understand I was dealing with a neglectful narcissist. I now think his father was the same, so he learned this behavior. He’s charming to EVERYONE outside the home & shutdown at home. I get nothing. He has no interest in me, maintaining our home, cars, anything. His interests are paramount (fishing, hunting, golf) so he buys gear, goes on vacations with his buds, thinks and studies those things when at home, leaving no room for anything else either in $$$ or brain space. I quit complaining years ago because no one believes the stories, even my closest friends think I over exaggerate. I’m using this space to get this pain off my chest-there are no answers. Thanks for being here & for listening.

I don't think so. Sure, it's learned "coping mechanisms" due to their survival mode and over time they won't be able to break out of it as it would shatter them as a being. Still, they know exactly what they do and then try to justify through gaslighting and lying.

Narc Victim: "You're hurting me." Narc: "Oh, well." Class Dismissed.

I'm the only person in her life that my wife bullies with meanness, anger and contempt. Overtly however, this only happens when we're alone. When we have company in the house she reverts to her happy and polite persona toward me, giving our guests the impression we have a great marriage. I can understand that her being nice to me in company is nothing more than wanting guests to see her in a positive way but her on/off treatment of me seems quite deliberate.

This so reflects what life with my first husband felt like. For YEARS, before I recognized the narcissism, I thought I had married someone who was just hopelessly immature. Who had to keep making the same mistakes, shitting in their own nest by losing jobs they valued, and alienating people they wanted to cultivate as friends. It DOES look a lot like plain old, pathetic immaturity.

Here’s a revelation: I think the ones in my life that have been so toxic are the ones who HOLD GRUDGES. Anyone else out here in Team Healthy notice this as a common theme in toxic relationships?

Who among us has not spoken or acted in some hurtful ways--out of anger, thoughlessness, or just sheer stupidity? The healthier person reflects on his/her errors, owns up to them, and attempts a repair. In my 22-year marriage, I never heard an apology. Either the ex was that one perfect person or . . . well, you know the rest.

I think there is consciousness in the sense they know what they are doing is hurtful (“wrong”?), but they don’t care because they have no empathy and because it gives them something they want: supply, control, dominance, sense of superiority, revenge, pleasure. They may have no insight into how they got that way and can’t perceive a need to change, but I believe there is a level of consciousness there, often including intentional manipulation and cruelty.

I am glad to be away from my narcissistic husband by also feel so sad for him as this is a type of mental illness that affects so many people. I do feel narcissism is definitely on the rise in this world today. I'll stay alone thanks!

One thing I've noticed about them all, especially the ones that aren't aware of their immature ways, is that they cannot deal with feeling shame. It's like as children they felt shamed and shunned and instead of processing that, they lash out. They cannot feel guilt, shame, etc. It doesn't mean they can't feel remorse. It doesn't mean they can't feel any empathy. It means that they feel shame and instantly blame the other person for how they feel. They must get rid of the person that makes them feel bad by any means. I dealt with a covert that really seemed unaware of his ability to accept processing of guilty feelings and shame. It had to be the other person who needed to go who 'made' him act that way. The relationship must be the wrong one, because he wouldn't just do that. Instead of working on themselves, they just drop the people around them. The inability to feel badly also drives their escapism addiction. They're typically always high/on games/phones etc.

Thanks for this. It took me decades to realize my sister is a narcissist because she was able to sound so sensible. She can talk the talk but her behavior is all blaming others. It’s sad but I removed myself from any true closeness with her. It’s dangerous

I think by the time they realize how differently strange they are ( not all of them ever get it ) it's too late to change or even want to. That's far too much work for any narc . Let's face it , they are way too lazy for that kind of commitment . I know that having narc parents , that I normalized their narc behaviors just to survive that toxic environment . Years of work on myself has made every day just a bit clearer . Thank you Dr. Carter , I'm very happy for you to be a part of my journey , you are helping so many of us . 👏👏👏👏💪

Yes because no matter how many times you politely tell someone to leave you alone, they can't help themselves and think they can keep trying again and again till you say yes to them. Some people intrude on your privacy by asking you many personal questions even though you tell them to leave you alone, they follow you and keep going. If only they can see themselves in action. They have no idea of their actions.

Please never underestimate the transformational power of prayer--to want, sincerely, whatever is in the best interest of everyone involved, and to accept the outcome and work with it. Both psychology and faith can live together in a heart that has grown large enough.

JUN 01 World Narcissistic Abuse Day On this day, let us take heed of the warning signs that constitute narcissistic abuse

My ex wife fulfilled all the qualities of the "covert" narcissist. Ive gone past hating her, many years ago. Even so - i always said i dont think her behaviour was *intentionally* aggressive, challenging, etc - my view was always that it was simply "learned behaviour" - she had such a narrow band of behaviours and outcomes that were "acceptable" to her - and moreover if thinga werent within that narrow band, she was in freefall, like an animal in frantic pain. I believe she learned that causing massive arguments where the reaction was disproportionately large to the topic at hand, the length of time she could keep these disagreements and negative/aggressive behaviour going, and the frequency with which she did this ..... Basically it got her the result she wanted, you were worn down over time, and walking on eggshells, any attempt to try and logically disseminate the arguments and tantrums led to gas lighting - it was a situation where every move you made was checkmate - and she had limitless stamina for these situations - my theory when i came to understand what made her tick, was over the years in relationships she had learned that exhibiting that behaviour made the person threatening to take her outside her confort zone, step back and stop doing so - in fact after years, you are effectively trained or conditioned (because you just dont want another argument, put down, scene, negativity ... Whatever) to operate within her boundaries - effectively it caused her such discomfort not to be in control in her narrow sphere of acceptability that she would exhibit extreme behaviours to maintain control and to avoid the situations she couldnt handle. It didnt make it any easier to deal with and even after i had worked this out life with her was utterly miserable, but i trued to let go of the hatred i felt towards her for being like that because to me it was like being angry at a shark or a lion for making a kill - effectively she was just following what she had learned to instinctively do, i didnt believe there was any real strategy to it, she had just figured out how to live within her boundaries and how to force everyone else to do that with her. Thats my take on conscious / unconscious narcissist behaviour anyway.

Re "grow and adjust" - I know that one - they respond - "sounds great, let's grow and adjust YOU..."

When other people get frustrated because of narcissist's immaturity, naricissist says: you see, how these people are inappropriate. Whatever happens, it is not narcissist's fault. That is is why it is hard to reason with a narcissist.

Unconscious (perhaps) ~ but only like someone in a perpetual drunken stupor who thinks that they can still drive-safe.

“Mostly?” Even I f it is just a matter of degrees, I’m still curious. I could quote Sheriff Gilligan, though: “Ignorance of the the law is no excuse.”

I can't believe I couldn't see that. how did I let THIS into my life. HOW?

My elderly covert narc mom has control issues with spouting out orders to everyone. Go do this, go do that! This includes any family members at her house visiting. She's done it for 80 yrs. Never a "could you please", just an order. Go light the pilot light, put that chair there, move that table here, sit that there, sit that here. Nobody is immuned. Not even guests.

My exe’s parents had a terrible marriage. They fought a lot. His sister said it frightened her so much she would hide behind a couch, or go in a closet and cover her ears. I asked what her brother did. She said it was the strangest thing, because he would begin to hum and continue playing with his trucks like nothing was happening. There were times when he would tell me, “Quit screaming.” I would respond “Listen to my voice. I am not screaming. You grew up with screaming, so that’s what you’re hearing.” He’d respond, “That’s an insult.” He could never take a realistic view of his parents. They were perfect.

Thanks Dr. C. I was Brutally discarded out of a 25 year marriage (for new supply, of course). During those years, however, lots of shenanigans which are morally, socially wrong and not good for a marriage. Now, after the fact, I question why I stayed but now I'm educated on narcissism. I asked myself often whether he knew what he was doing or if it was just natural to him. He hid the shenanigans (secret phone, texts to other women, etc.) so he knew, on some level, he was doing wrong.

Very scary how true this is. I waiting 8 years to propose to my ex. I was waiting for her to "grow out" of her nonsense. I figured she's gotta grow up eventually. No, she got way worse. Thanks for your videos!

The word 'Narcissism' is only just being recognised in its meaning. However, people DO realise they are behaving badly. Some will do it as a form of mischief Some seek revenge to others they have been hurt by. Some do it as a learned behavior. Some are plain cruel and sadistic. I prefer the the Team Healthy way of thinking and way of life. Releasing negative energies around me has helped me move more freely and given me room to grow in a way I never thought possible!

I think perhaps this was helpful in coming to a resolution to forgive my sister, which is my main goal. My sister and I are in our 70's, and I am the oldest. The truth is that I am autistic and have issues and behaviors that I simply cannot change. There are a few of our issues that are frightening similar although mine don't come from a place of meanness, hatefulness or an intent to hurt and control. Truthfully, although I have nothing to do with her anymore, I suspect that we are both at the same place in life, and that is "alone". I have tried the therapy, and the truth is that therapists really don't seem to be qualified to deal with autism, as they treat you as though your issues are that of a normal person and all that they have to do is change your thinking and you will behave differently. So what we have here are two sisters who have been incompatible from day one, and have been tremendously damaged by life. I will say that in my working through this and coming to the realization that I am nothing to her except to have been used and discarded, that I must finally put her in a place in my life of being nothing to me, and I am working on this in various ways. I do feel as though I have finally taken a step forward.

It can be dangerous to underestimate the true intent of an abuser. Perhaps some of it is clueless, but more of it is conscious than people realize. They were careful to conceal their behaviour, look innocent, all while carefully planning their abuse. I've had people defend my abusive parents by saying "they didn't mean it", referring to child abuse as "mistakes, unintentional". As the victim who saw the abuser truly unmasked - it was not. And even if it was unconscious - regardless of intent, the dangers of abuse can be the same and so is the lifelong impact on the victim.

My sibling and I grew up in the same household and by a single parent and were both abused and neglected by our parent, I probably more. However, my sibling turned out to be a narcissist like our parent, while I am not. Because of this, I believe they are born with this inherited shortcoming or personality disorder and or choose to live the way they do.

NO it’s being in denial of the behaviour- playing stupid even 🙄

I grew up in an unhappy family environment. Got beaten, got no love or hugs. Yet I married had 3 kids n showed them so much love. Which I never had. Thankfully I didn't turn out like my siblings. 2 of them are narcissistic. Yet we all grew up together. I have no contact with them anymore, my choice. I'd had enough of their verbal abuse my whole life. Im 62. I could of been like them, narcissistic. But I'm not. Im an empath I'm proud of myself who I am.

I find it quite interesting in thinking back; Just how hard I was always the one pouring out the thoughts of how I felt: whether was in a simple note, a multi page letter, my journals, etc. I was far from the healthy one...& surely not blameless, however, I question now those in my life, that failed to recognize my attempts to progress to any healthy type of relationship...when i was obviously trying to get to. But instead, I was always seen as the villain...& most others (eventually) saw themselves as the heroic victors in the end...& lacking all accountability for whatever went wrong. Who's really the toxic one in that???? I consciously reflect on my own part played in the consequences of my life...& those that can't; Well.... Thanks Dr. Carter. I always appreciate your videos. :)

I’ve got so good at calling out a narcissists illogical/irrational thought processes that whenever my Dad bursts out in anger I throw it back at him. He totally dissociates and shuts down. He zones out, distracts himself and literally hears nothing you say. Then he wakes up once the retaliation has ended. It doesn’t even feel good because not only have you stooped to their energy level but they absorb none of it and you get nowhere, nothing changes…

I was never good enough for him, no matter what I did. He would go into these high-pitched, whiny temper tantrums, complete with grimacing facial contortions and stopping around. He wanted me to be perfect. He sure wasn’t.

If it weren't for other people, I'd have no problems. It is best to be a loner.

this explains a lot about how she behaves the way she has. mean, nasty, always blaming me for just about everything. The hope of change died 5 years ago after trying for 20 years. 12:00 - she is unable to fix what she's too ashamed to see or examine. - sadly, she'll take it to her grave before she admits any wrong-doing. thanks, Dr. Carter

I gotta admit that I have tried for such a long time and fed their egos knowing they crave it and being correct on all issues only to be struck down. It's like that saying of oh what web of lies we conceive. Perhaps they are stuck in their lies and raw hatred. The best advice is.."Whatever"

"Very low self-reflection equals very high accusation." "These individuals are unable to fix what they're too ashamed to examine. " Combined with their dishonesty and sadistic capacity, it is no wonder that one cannot resolve conflict or reason with them, and it only increases their irrational hatred if you try, however kindly.

The narcissist has no culpability. Oh look the world did me wrong and I have zero culpability

IMHO, there at (at a minimum) 2 basic human species. 1) empaths (those having a conscience) 2) narcissists/psychopaths (those having no or impaired conscience) We’re animals after all. We would never expect all dog breeds to have the same innate characteristics. And We should not expect all humans to have the same innate characteristics. IT’S THAT SIMPLE, AND THAT COMPLEX!

Essence,Dr.C always put emphasis on essence, our conscious is rooted in our essence, where there is no essence there is no foundation for conscious.

Dr. Carter, it's so terribly sad to see how my children's father simply cannot access his childhood pain and the resulting behaviors that occur. But I know I didn't cause it, I cannot cure it and I can't control it. So I have to distance myself from him and block on a regular basis as the insults, attempts at control and manipulation become too much. Thank you for all your helpful work. I have learned so much from you.

Great explanation, Dr C. It's a question I asked a lot about my ex through the 26 years of marriage. Without even knowing the actual definition of narcissism beyond the mythological story, I had come to the same conclusions that she had conjured her own alternative reality of life and was determined to live by that in order to avoid painful self-examination and reflection. What she was gaslighting me with was part of the narrative she had chosen to believe in so much so she could actively avoid numerous clear and obvious truths. When you could corner her with rationale and reason (no, not recommended), you'd have a cornered animal on your hands. It's almost as if you were dealing with an aggressive, untamed animal whose survival instincts come before all else. So many years would not have been wasted if it weren't for this need to not ever be vulnerable and I really feel sorry for her too, but alas it is what it is.

Great thoughts on the Origins of Narcissism👍🏻 Yes they are immature, stuck somewhere in childhood. As a defence mechanism they mastered managing impressions, they can be very charming and convincing- master manipulators and very accomplished liers 🎭 Fake.

I don't like when they contact me after not speaking to me for years acting as if there were not decades of abuse. Its like they just don't get it.

Dr Carter, Once again, thank you! You just shed a ton of light upon my poor mother. She is, in every aspect, the woman you described-grievously wounded from a child. My father was the same but is no longer living. I have always had huge empathy for them both. My problem is my inability to deal any longer with my elderly mother’s rages, accusations and scarring my name with my children and others. The stress level when with her has become painful. I have finally gone no contact but because of her agedness, and my continued love for her, it really is hard. Your wealth of wisdom is so appreciated! I need help!

Excellent video. I ended my relationship with my narcissist friend six months ago, but have continued to wonder why he behaves as he does AND whether growing his self-awareness could prompt him to change. But I see now that the behaviors are just too deeply ingrained. My time and energy continues to be better spent elsewhere.

How deliberate is a Narcissist's manner of life? - Narcissists are driven by unconscious forces. Their sense of logic is impacted by unfinished strain and tension. They are stuck in an "arrested development", which means they emotionally remain in a childish state, where no growth is possible. Why are Narcissist not able to grow? 1. Supression = consciously exercizing self restraint, holding in your emotions when it is not safe to show 2. Repression = powerful defense mechanism, which starts very early in life when painful, unacceptable, confusing experiences; driven out of conscious awareness; it is like an unconscious defensive shield 3. Arrested Development = Supressed & repressed; No growth emotionally or relationally; Remaining in a childish state Narcissists have learned to hide their emotions , which began on an early age when reasoning was shallow. Repression and arrested development started and today they can not address what is driving them. Physically they grow, but emotionally they are still stuck and remain as raw reactors. They have no intuitive thinking and can not ask themselves insightful questions. How do Narcissists show their childish behaviours? > childish anger > blame shifting > fear collaboration > stuck in a major victim's complex > yet no give & take > not knowing what love & trust is > magical thinking > too fragile to say, "I was wrong." > quality of life is based on externals only > unable to access their own humanity > wearing a psychological mask > very low self reflection equals > very high accusations > unable to fix > too ashamed to see/examine Conclusion: Mostly of the time Narcissists are like an 'automatic pilot', doing things unconsciously, not knowing what drives them. Dr Carter 👨‍🦳 and Gus 🐶, thank you for another lesson full of insight 🌞🌟🌝🌈

I have watched many of your video in the last year and I get something positive to work with in every one of them but this video spoke right to my heart and completed some understanding that we’re not fully developed for me. Thank you so much for the assistance you provide. 😊

Thank you for explaining the Narc however the damage they do is deplorable for everybody around them.

I can relate to a lot of this. Being emotionally needy and having a victim complex. I feel the world has done me wrong, by and large. I think it's because people take advantage of me because I am a bit soft, due to low self-esteem due to poor upbringing. And yes, I've been called emotionally needy, and this is true. But I am not a narcissist.

Thank you SOOOOOO MUCH for this insight into the narcissist background. It has given me a lot more compassion for what the people I've been dealing with have evidently gone through and why they are acting that way. I have pity on them now.

This video came right on time after having a crazy making day with an emotionally immature parent. Two separate phone conversations and all I wanted to do was go home and sleep. That person is in contol mode right now during a family matter after being nonchalant for weeks.

This is what I needed to know. Unconscious or not, I have my boundaries, they can be baffled and presumably ask better questions to grow out of their inmaturity, or not. It just does not feel good with these people, that is the acid test. But my mind nerded to have this question answered for more of my own resolve. Thank you Dr.

When I repeat my truth and restate my boundaries multiple times a day and Narcissa continue to insert her narrative about how I think, feel, what motivates me, what I should be ashamed of, how I am inadequate, I have several conclusion options: 1. You hear me, understand, but choose to do it anyway. 2. You hear me, understand, but have unconscious motives driving you to communicate to your loved ones in this manner. Unresolved childhood rearing. 3. You hear me don't understand.

"Shut down mode"... Yes! I was just told by my ex that her defense mechanism for dealing with stressful situations is to not deal with it at all.

This is very, very sad. It is very, very sad to me that the person I have loved all these years is so deeply damaged that he is not safe for relationships. I have had to remove myself from the relationship because the damage to him from his early life and young adulthood runs so deep that he turns on me, the one who truly loves and sees him. He cannot trust and he cannot receive the love that I have extended unconditionally for all these years. This is the saddest thing that could possibly happen to a person, and I wish he would get help-- but he refuses. It's over my head. I can only have compassion from a distance from now on, and pray that one day, he'll pursue and accept help. Thank you so much for this video, Dr. Carter.

Dr. C, thank you so much!! It is because of your videos and the videos of others like you that I was able to contact a lawyer and I served him separation papers a few weeks ago!!❤

I tried to have a conversation with my narcissist about the things that bothered me and that I did not understand and every single time she said that I was at fault. Everything was pointless.

As I look back at my narcissist husband life, it is pittyable to a point. But the abuse I withstood I know now that he did know it was wrong. His death bed confession to our Oldest Son proved it. But to put that quilt on your son because you are truly a Coward was the true tale tale sign that he was truly narcissist and did not care about anyone. Hurtful until the very end leaving a trail of total disaster in the lives of us who lived with him. We don't mention him anymore and he is not missed. Thank you God ! And thank you Dr. C. Still healing and moving forward in N.C. And thank you Team Healthy!🐾🐾🐾🐾

In my experience many people know they are behaving in a way .. they just don’t know that way is wrong and damaging. The world gives them out “out” with language. For example, they’re persuasive, not manipulative or controlling. They kind of know .. but I don’t always think they know how bad it really is, because it’s all they know.

i'm here because i want to figure out if i'm a narcissist/covert narcissist or have traits of narcissism. some things i read or hear apply to me, others not at all. i hope all of you who suffered from narcissists find healing.

Your videos are excellent and explain clearly the narcissists behavior. Unfortunately two things: There’s no hope of reasoning, and for me, I seem too attract these types of people. It’s sad, because the problem is them, and they can’t see it and you won’t be able to explain it. Just run at the first sign, your boundaries won’t be respected, EVER

Truly appreciate your professional advice here; and also appreciate that in just a short amount of time, 14 min (give or take) you provide much guidance & support. With admiration & deep gratitude, 🙏❤️

I have concluded that I must embrace my own reality that I have to go my own way. I have done the reasoning, rationalizing, sacrificing, guilt and depression long enough. I'm tired of waiting for this person to "get it" cuz he is not and it is plainly evident he cannot "get it" from me. I am tired of living in a defeated mindset and I am tired of living as if one of my three blades is off balance. I take full responsibility for my feelings and actions but that means I have to know myself. If coming to know who I am and who I want to be means separating from certain people who interfere or impose their own ideals onto me as if they are actually mine, then I will separate myself. Even more so when that imposing person either cannot or will not explain their own motives driving their actions. Offering no logic or proved debate/example.... just a "do it" mentality. When I need advice I have trusted sources, proven; but even then the final choice is still MINE to make and own even when I cannot explain it to a person who is in an adult body but operates with a child's mindset. I've always prayed "God give me understanding". I believe I have it, now I pray "God, help me to accept the things I cannot change and wisdom to know the difference." I appreciate this channel and all the folks who bare their heart and share their struggles and efforts to live their own purpose. God bless you all.

Thank you Dr. Carter. I signed up for all your 3 online classes... but havent complete them, but will surely do so. Thank you very much for what you are doing here weekly. Really appreciate your work here. Take good care and blessed weekend to you and your loved ones. I am from Malaysia.

This was SUCH a good video and was super helpful for me. While watching, I was literally (and strongly) agreeing with each point. Dr. Carter is extremely insightful and his information is spot on! Thank you for your insights, doc. They are very beneficial. I also LOVE the fact that you always find a way to mention/remind how we can be improving ourselves along the way. 💛

Using inspiration from this video I texted the following to my partner, "We have some adjustments that need to be made. I know that there are times I respond poorly and I frustrate you and myself. Let's go inside ourselves and take a hard look and try to fix some poor conflict strategies we posess. I look forward to the growth that will result. When can we talk about the areas we have identified in ourselves and hopefully make improvements?" I expect zero response.

💯 Dr C! Also, for my situation, this is great timing for you to post this today. I'd come to the conclusion that the narcissist I must deal with most frequently isn't in charge of herself. She self-sabotages her relationships but I've watched her face after she does it and realized she's out of control. However, a narc is a narc & I must self-protect so I can't allow myself to be her victim. My head's held high & my boundaries around her are high too. If she ever decides she needs to change that's good for her. Hope she gets help from a qualified mh professional, it may help her as she lives out her twilight years. I still hope to be long gone from her presence beforehand though.

Dr. C, Can you talk to the matter of a female covert narcissists who is aware her mother is one… knows all the psych terms and uses them, but is unaware of her behavior?

WOW! This really clarified some things for me. My mother was kidnapped at age 6 and was quite traumatized by it; however when she was returned home 2 years later the family treated it as a non-issue, just a part of history. She did have one moment of contact with the original feeling when at age 55 at her father's deathbed she 'met' the man who took her. I learned the real trauma of the experience through her reaction to him. Sadly, her trauma became our family's curse.

11:08 Dr C I did, quite foolishly I might add, and the narcissist verbally leveled me. I regretted being so energetic and hopeful only to see the anger and accusations aimed at me. I quickly learned my lessons

I’ve listened and read couture hours about narcissism in order to come to some sort of understanding of the behaviour of my parents. This succinct discussion about suppression, repression and arrested development was very helpful and seemed to put the pieces all together. Thank you.

My narcissis went up and died, now I'm left holding the bag from a life time of being on the end of it. Signed Perplexed

It is mind boggling. I know at least a dozen senior citizens with arrested development. My mother was that way until she died at 94. The most recent one I cut out of my life was my 67-year-old former father-in-law, who I wanted to keep in my child's life, but it was just too toxic. What you just covered makes it clear how a supposedly wise "elder" can suddenly switch to being an unreasonable brat ... when they otherwise seem to function as an adult. Why is it that some people with horrible back stories of abuse do NOT become like their narcissistic or abusive parents? Apparently there is some element of choice involved. I know more than one person who had a horrible childhood and was dealt many blows in life, but they learned an grew from it. Why don't narcs do the same?

Our daughter since a very early age preferred her father, my husband, over me. To this day she is in her forties she gives her father lots of attention, takes his advice and listens to me but doesn't want to pay attention to my wisdom. I have thought over the years it was because when my husband was younger he negated me in front of the children when I would attempt to make some rules or teach them something. He was raised in a family where there were no boundaries and very little training about life so he thought I was being mean by expecting boundaries and training the children. So, our daughter married a man raised the same way my husband was raised and they both dislike me as though I have nothing good to offer. I have given up and keep my distance unless I have to see them, then I still keep my distance while they are in the same room. Even their children, the grandchildren have been taught something is wrong with Granny, so they ignore me too while speaking to Grandpa. Thank the Lord I no longer feel hurt over it, I am just thankful when they leave from their once-a-year visit to our home. Our daughter and her husband snap at me when I disagree or express an opinion no matter what it is. I always look forward to their leaving when they come. We have a joyful and happy life when they are not around. My husband, our daughter, and our son-in-law refuse to discuss anything, they speak but don't listen.

Been asking myself this question for quite some time, thank you for raising it.

Dr Carter could you please do a video on bipolar and malignant narcissism and could a person be both.

My narc mother admitted to me one time that when she would be frustrated she would be very mean on purpose.

It may be primarily unconscious, but the unfathomable part is that once you pointed out to them, it remains unconscious. I’ve never seen anything like it. No introspective, no willingness to change, no correction to behaviors or actions that are hurtful or detrimental to the relationships. They just double down and continue down the destructive selfish path path. This makes it hard to believe it’s actually unintentional.

Raw reactors yes,yes,yes BUT it's always in their favour an how they feel. They refuse to think about where their behaviours come from. No accountability for any of the pain they dish out but do something good for you and they'll want accolades and often it's something you didn't want or ask for! Galling simply galling. Their self back patting whilst putting you down is incredible. Never do they see your good points or good deeds. Crazy accusations whilst they continue to double down on how good they are

Bingo, sir. This resonates off the charts with my experiences with this person in my life.

I am so glad i "found" you Dr.C! You AND Team Healthy are helping me. Ive been looking at myself to be a better person. Thank you

My husband suffered from SchizoAffective Disorder w features (he passed on in 2021) And oh Lord!, the features. His psych said his personality was splintered. ie. 3 different personalities at least, maybe more Ever try to cook for 3 different people and you never know which one was going to sit down and eat? One time he said something truly hurtful to me and I called him on it. I caught him w a snicker on his face about it. I told him that it seemed he actually enjoyed hurting me. I got the silent treatment in response. Later, he ended up in-hospital for his MI, a doc asked him, Do you ever feel compelled to do things that you know are wrong but do them anyway. And he answered yes. Well, that explained a lot for me. Also, when he would go on a full out manic tirade, he would have no memory of it the next day. Which his psych confirmed can occur. Only my husband and the Lord knows if that was all or partly true or not.