Toxic Shame: 6 Steps To Overcome it

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Күн бұрын

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If you struggle with toxic shame - in other words you feel like your a bad, flawed, broken or unworthy human at a core level - it's going to make feeling good about yourself and your life near impossible. There are several signs that you are living with toxic shame that I teach you here, and then I will teach you 6 steps to start overcoming debilitating shame.
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Пікірлер: 234

@sarahhaxton9234 4 ай бұрын

I have always felt like I'm not good enough. I wish I could feel what it feels like to be a confident person who feels she is worthy❤

@mikelisteral7863 3 ай бұрын

focus more on debunking shame, then chasing confidence, otherwise you would end up in narcissism

@created4passion442 9 күн бұрын

What helps me is knowing how much God loves me

@user-zv6rx7pm9m 4 ай бұрын

I don't know why no one anyone talks about this.

@hummingbird4335 Жыл бұрын

Personal bookmarks: 1. Various ways toxic shame shows up in our lives 4:21 2. Dealing with toxic shame 20:45

@shine2678 Жыл бұрын

Thanks buddy

@amandamariemuise 2 жыл бұрын

I wish I had seen this video 30 years ago. Much of my life was built on shame, I was raised that way. I am presently on sick leave from work due to burnout and am still experiencing some of the existential depression that came along with it. I saw myself in about half of these signs; thank you so much for explaining them so clearly.

@juliakristinamah 2 жыл бұрын

Glad you found this helpful. I hope you're able to get the support you need to move through this season of burnout and depression. Sending you love and peace Amanda.

@juliakristinamah 2 жыл бұрын

Also, didn't you just join The Shift Society? I thought I saw your name pop up on my new members list.

@amandamariemuise 2 жыл бұрын

@@juliakristinamah Not yet, I’m not quite ready to take this on but I know I can at any time and that you’re there to help. Don’t worry, I have a psychiatrist working with me.

@karennovosat5435 Жыл бұрын

This video came into your life at the right time.

@ToxicFreeTV Жыл бұрын

i have read that toxic shame can mask itself as depression

@flowerchild89 4 ай бұрын

Me 🤚. I grew up in an incredibly toxic, unloving, narcissistic, alcoholic, mentally unstable family. I am the Scapegoat.

@honeytherat2017 9 ай бұрын

I'm feeling overwhelmed with grief realising how deeply and profoundly shame has driven my life

@mikelisteral7863 3 ай бұрын

shame is linked to pessimism

@davidwhite5438 Жыл бұрын

I'm 67, been on this path of trying to heal for 50 years, done every workshop, retreat and intensive known to man, read every book, listened to every audio tape and VCR tape since 1985 starting with the codependency and addictions pioneers, yada yada, But Julia has the BEST descriptions of how this illness feels.

@heidcla 2 ай бұрын

Have u tried IOPT?

@jeanbuehler6715 Жыл бұрын

The question of what shame feels like resonated so much for me. It made me realize that, to me, shame feels like being cornered. Like I’m experiencing a flight impulse but there’s nowhere to go, the literal physical feeling of having nowhere to go besides shrinking backwards. This honestly made me cry because I had a tough relationship with my parents growing up (and still) and one thing that would often happen when we argued was the two of them physically cornering me. I’m in awe of the way my body has stored that feeling and remembered it through all this time without me having to try. Like it won’t allow me to forget or deny my truth even when I really want to

@kafkatamora5014 11 ай бұрын

Omg. This is exactly how shame feels for me too

@jimrich4192 Жыл бұрын

Toxic Shame was and continues to be the most significant topic I encountered in 12 step Recovery followed by the discovery of the "CORRECT TARGET" for my deep and blistering RAGE ....my own parents!, not my wives, friends, co-workers, strangers, the government...my parents DESERVED my rage and when I found the courage to send (not give) it back to them, most of my deep rage and hatred was was released & I finally felt some justice. Toxic Shame will most likely hound me for the rest of my life (I'm 85) BUT, thanks to you and other Recovery/therapy systems, it can be stopped or reduced. God help all the shame based ppl in the world who have no help getting over or dealing with this CRIPPLING monster.

@flowerbloom5782 2 жыл бұрын

I had this due to bullying and I developed this toxic shame which made me feel I was flawed and I tried to make up.

@cfjohnson7369 2 жыл бұрын

Someone said that I apologize too much. I wanted to apologize for doing that

@barbarabills5060 23 күн бұрын

😂

@Rob9mm 2 жыл бұрын

Had a great test on this a few days ago. Left garage door open all night. Great way to have bicycles stolen. I didn't let me label myself over this!! I read some time ago that no one calls a toddler who falls a "faller" and we shouldn't label ourselves either.

@belrapture 2 жыл бұрын

I couldn’t wait to watch this video because shame is a leading emotion for me-unfortunately. I grew up being shamed and made to feel guilty when in actuality, i was capable of learning from mistakes in other ways. But i learned to instead feel terrible for my feelings and behaviors. It absolutely is debilitating and i believe a lot of my nightmares come from that feeling of same/guilt. Thankfully my nighttime anxiety meds give me peace and I no longer wake up with TMJ/migraines. I still have a ways to go. Thank you so much!

@biblicalgodisonlytruegod 11 ай бұрын

I understand what you are saying.

@lesliengo8347 2 жыл бұрын

My father deals with a lot of shame. He worries a lot about other people's thoughts, over worries small details, and takes out his anger onto us. It is unhealthy and it makes us feel really down for a long time. It seems like I am absorbing his struggles and I struggle with similar issues. But here I am working on this shame with you because I want to turn this around and feel better. Thanks for all you do Julia! Also, I would love to join the Shift Society but am not in the appropriate situation at this time, so will join once I am ready.

@AHeartForHomeEducation 2 жыл бұрын

🤯 never would’ve thought I struggled with shame but SEVERAL of these resonate with me. Thank you for your time with this 💛

@juliakristinamah 2 жыл бұрын

So glad you found it helpful. And really glad you're here.

@UrbanomicInteriors 11 ай бұрын

1. Taking almost everything very personally. 2. Feeling invisible and/or unappreciated. 3. You believe you have to work harder than everyone else to (over-function) 4. You feel like you have to work harder in relationships to be loved. 5. Nothing you do or say really matters. 6. You over focus what other people think about you. 7. You frequently believe people are using you. 8. You’re afraid of speaking up in order to avoid criticism. 9. You feel like an outsider. 10. You feel inauthentic / like you can’t be your true self. 11. You struggle to take responsibility for yourself. 12. You struggle to admit fault and apologize. (flight) 13. You over apologize. (fawn) 14. You often get really defensive and deflect. 15. You find failure and mistakes devastating. 16. You have explosive anger / rage.

@blackeneddove 11 күн бұрын

Dang. 10 minutes in and I feel completely called out.

@johnbankhead 8 ай бұрын

I never heard of you. Just happen to click this video and I swear you were talking directly to me. I'm in shock but rewind to pause and take notes. Your perspective is like a rope to save something in me that was drowning. Just clicking the Like button couldn't ever thank you enough.

@NFSMAN50 2 жыл бұрын

I struggle with this lots and it's due to the way I was raised. I Always felt shame in the things I like and did!! Happy Thursday Julia!! I appreciate you friend!!

@juliakristinamah 2 жыл бұрын

Really glad this connected - thanks for all your support!

@kikodiekleinekatze3235 Жыл бұрын

Moving on from my shame feels so wrong, trying to be better, feel better feels so wrong, smiling, laughing,doing things like reading painting, getting interested in something feels wrong. I can't figure out why I should go for those things.

@barbarabills5060 23 күн бұрын

This sounds like enmeshment trauma

@janny474 16 күн бұрын

Yeah, like they programmed us to believe we don't deserve to be happy and enjoy life even for one second.

@chizkiyahukabas7078 16 күн бұрын

I'm feeling so much shame and rejection in society feeling the ostracizing issues

@Gr8ful_ 6 ай бұрын

EVERYTHING you said hit home. Everything 😢. It's bitter sweet. It makes me feel sad but it's time. I've been searching & I also feel hopeful.❤

@heidicolon6386 Жыл бұрын

Wow! Just watch this video and it so describes me in almost every way! I thought it was just my sexual abuse that was affecting not realizing how the toxic shame from the abuse along with all the body shaming from men in my family added so much more to my shame! I was shamed into believing I was fat and ugly when I wasn’t!! I was a little girl needing and wanting to be loved, but instead feeling unworthy and invaluable. It had stripped me the allowing myself to be loved emotionally and physically…I so crave to have great physical connection yet fear being ridiculed for my looks and “ability.” 😞

@HRB431 2 жыл бұрын

Thank you for making this! ✨🙏✨

@karenhowell9011 2 жыл бұрын

Been a minute since I've watched one of your videos! Love you and what you do, Julia! Thanks for the good information!

@angelaped 2 жыл бұрын

I love your stuff - your book was a amazing too. Thank you for your service. 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼

@Nandaksilva Жыл бұрын

Thank you so much! That was really helpful! 🙏🏻

@joana.a4981 Жыл бұрын

This video was AMAZING. Thank you so much for your precious help

@donaldjameschristensen6688 2 жыл бұрын

Answered so many questions. Thank you for providing so many missing pieces....

@Christieinthejourney 2 жыл бұрын

Hi Julia! Still loving all of the reminders of the work that I did in the shift society! 💕 Thank you~ Christie

@tacotruck7995 Жыл бұрын

Thank you. I’m on the wait list.

@user-us7wk5ql5l 4 ай бұрын

Julia, this video as well as so many of your videos are so powerful. Thank you

@chunli1623 2 жыл бұрын

I just wanna say that you are really amazing! Been watching u for so lone and u don't know how much you're helping me Thank u so much and God bless u ❤

@mirandaziazan3405 Жыл бұрын

Absolutely spot on, thank you!

@uzayluzaylu6069 4 ай бұрын

great information, helped me a lot, thank you Julia!❤❤

@MichaelRicardoRamon Жыл бұрын

This video really hits home. Thank you.

@emilyng2844 2 жыл бұрын

Julia...thank you so much for this video. I never knew how much shame i was going through until you started listing them off. Just a few days ago my shame trigger got pulled because my mother humiliated me in front of my sister and dad. And I used anger amd defensiveness yo protect myself

@jasonroman3639 Жыл бұрын

Great advice I am takeing every word into consideration.

@tragori 10 ай бұрын

I realise when you were talking about to do more I'm starting listening you trough my ears 👍👍

@chizkiyahukabas7078 16 күн бұрын

Thank you Julia ,for this video

@melyndafrazer1962 2 жыл бұрын

Boy you hit the nail on the head, allll these are what I struggle with… didn’t realize even how much and in all areas. I see this in life and especially at work!

@user-ww3jk3uu6e Жыл бұрын

Hi,,I’m new here, but this video hit home….on so many levels…. Thanks for all the information….

@change4me 2 жыл бұрын

Literally almost everything you talked about is how I think about myself and situations…thank you Julia for this content ❤️

@anthonysales2590 2 жыл бұрын

Thank you so much. I was having a crisis when I came across you video, I am feeling much better and hugged ❤️🇧🇷

@dkdawe1 2 жыл бұрын

I am not my shame, it is a feeling! Thanks Julia.

@barbarabills5060 23 күн бұрын

Thank you for explaining this in such an amazing way. ❤

@afriyiedankyi8545 Жыл бұрын

I like your style of educating the public.

@BonchurnoTheSpaceChowboy 5 ай бұрын

This was very a very helpful and informative video

@its336already6 2 ай бұрын

You just precisely described how I felt for the most part of my life

@thenebraskan6977 Жыл бұрын

Thanks for the awesome video Julia, it’s better the second time around!

@cyber_tech120. Жыл бұрын

Thanks..Glad you Love My Content, Write ✍️ Me Up 💬 Above 🔝 I'll Shear You Some beneficial Analysis'''update & enlightenment.

@damienponech2404 2 жыл бұрын

This really resonated with me. I had most of the signs of shame you listed including all the negative self talk. I will definitely try to work on being more gentle and compassionate with myself.

@ginabugsch8752 2 жыл бұрын

Ty I definitely am stuck in this shame process.

@nikkimckay860 2 жыл бұрын

Julia Kristina counselor .good afternoon good to see you again sence joining your bootcamp course and livestream s I love these black and white videos and good talk topic shame 💜

@suprememaz 2 жыл бұрын

This resonates so much! I’m starting to realize that so much of the negative and critical thoughts are not real, and are part of trauma growing up with Asperger’s in a neurotypical world and developing a perfectionist mindset to compensate. Thank you for being such a key part of my healing journey.

@JosePerez-bm4pj Жыл бұрын

Very helpful video I am going to practice not criticize my self for the next 3 days and to be aware of my thoughts, thank you.

@deepakp4059 7 ай бұрын

Well explained, thank you for sharing such wonderful really helpful information for personal growth ❤👌👍

@zaknorthrop4855 Жыл бұрын

I've listened to this several times, but I return as I want to gauge my progress. In relistening to this having responsible thoughts REALLY hit, as I've never appreciated managing thoughts in that regard! I appreciate what you have gifted humanity with using your talents to make this world (and our little corner on the internet) a better place to exist. May God bless you Julia!

@johnykryll 2 жыл бұрын

Thank you Julia, hope you don't mind me calling you by your first name. Did a lot of work in my late 30's but since then for some reason my life has become empty. Discovering you has rekindled the realisation of the work I still need to do (want to). You are a special help, thank you so much

@joshpolman201 Жыл бұрын

I ticked the box for every single sign… damn I’ve got some work to do. Thank you ❤

@lylahboling6383 2 жыл бұрын

Yes I was totally brainwashed by guilt and taught shame. I have been working (with your help) to correct this very thing. Thank you.

@cesmith1171 Жыл бұрын

This video resonated so much with me. A lot of my life so far has been affected by anxiety and worry which I had no idea was routed in the shame I’d felt for such a long time. I’m approaching a milestone birthday soon and my goal now moving forwards is to be kinder to myself and not allow shame to consume me!

@mosim9691 2 жыл бұрын

Preach it sista' friend! Thank you so much!

@AwbetBenSen091 2 жыл бұрын

I can't believe how much shame has ruled my life to this point. I started looking at all the "signs" and it was like a light went off. Shame has been the thing screwing up my job, my relationships, my hobbies, you name it. I used this video for prep with my therapist, and to make a long story short, he said it was one of our best sections. So, thanks for the video and all you do. Keep up the good work.

@ibrastarboy2780 2 жыл бұрын

Loove G Christina got me out of some tough times

@monea5285 Жыл бұрын

She is the truth!!! OMG she read me up and down and all around! I love her approach and I actually feel understood and now I can navigate my mind better.

@Rls1020 2 жыл бұрын

Julia, thanks for the follow-up to the previous Q&A from the Shift Society. (I had watched the original Shame video (I have watched almost all your videos on both KZfaq and in the Shift Society), but everything is always "baby steps" for me in making progress.)

@juliakristinamah 2 жыл бұрын

Baby steps are the most effective way to create deep, lasting changes. You are doing it right - so keep doing what you're doing!

@tonylangridge3003 2 жыл бұрын

Thank you Julia we need you here in the UK 🇬🇧

@wim269 2 жыл бұрын

Hi Julia thanks for making this video For most of the video I thought you were talking about me .I don’t usually post anything ( due to shame probably) but I felt as if I had to do this. What I want say that my shame comes being Neuro diverse tho I’m self diagnosed (well I did go to school in the 70s) I have never seen myself the same as others or good enough but in the same hand I’ve been put down and never made feel good enough from a early age But after watching this a lot has made sense about my believes and how I have turned out the way I am today. Will probably watch this another 20 times now Would love to here from you and any others who have anything to share on the subject

@denisewhitlock357 Жыл бұрын

This was much needed talk for my self compassion journey! Thank you!

@cyber_tech120. Жыл бұрын

Thanks..Glad you Love My Content, Write ✍️ Me Up 💬 Above 🔝 I'll Shear You Some beneficial Analysis'''update & enlightenment.

@joncaradies3155 2 жыл бұрын

This hit home more than I can say . Thank you so much for the work you do .

@juliakristinamah 2 жыл бұрын

You're welcome Jon. Glad you're here.

@carlospreciado156ify 2 жыл бұрын

Glad to see a new upload. Really appreciate your videos Kristina. Thank you for all you do😄

@juliakristinamah 2 жыл бұрын

You're so welcome! Glad you're here.

@biblicalgodisonlytruegod 11 ай бұрын

This particular video convinced me to join the “shift society”. So many layers to “shame”. There are those things we deserve to feel shame about. Then there are the careless insensitive remarks of those we loved.

@raiderlove5923 2 жыл бұрын

Thank you for this video Julia. Everything you describe here describes me. I'm listening to the video and it's helping me understand the type of person that I am.

@juliakristinamah 2 жыл бұрын

So glad you found it helpful.

@DenkyManner Жыл бұрын

Nearly everything in this video rings true for me. The most bizarre thing is I'm 41 and only realised shame was the core problem with me a few days ago, the "cause" of probably all my other issues, which I now see are symptoms, not conditions in themselves. I had/have social anxiety disorder, avoidant pd, crippling perfectionism, and I'm extremely judgemental. I knew all that and hated all that about me, but never understood why until I started shadow work and journalling after watching Stutz and going down the rabbit hole. And yet now I know, it's the most blindingly obvious thing in the world, issues of shame repeatedly appear in the fiction I write but I didn't understand. Know thyself! How many of us have the first clue who we are and why?

@ryanchurchill5081 11 ай бұрын

I have been listening to Jordan Peterson books the ones about the rules and my book ideas kinda resonate with what he talks about my evil cult has the head as a dragon to stop it my protagonist needs to die to escape it and I have spiritual parents as well.

@roby9762 11 ай бұрын

Hi ,how to overcome toxic shame?

@dimitriberkenbosch4830 Ай бұрын

Damn this hits me right in the spot. I suffer from this for my entire life now, i feel so streched thin and i am hurting people with it that i really love, i really use it as a sort of defensive mechanism and i lie about certain topics to make the person i like not see me as a bad person. I am working on it to better myself, but stuff like this is really hard i have been allways told in the beginning of my live that i am useless and i don't matter and everything i do is just a failure. And through that i have become a self martour.

@thenebraskan6977 2 жыл бұрын

Many Thanks Julia for such an enlightened . I can relate to most of this in a my child 👶 hood. Thanks again for everything you do.🙏🌞

@juliakristinamah 2 жыл бұрын

You're so welcome. Really glad it connected.

@yansomade 2 жыл бұрын

Thank you very much. I have found it "hard" to find my self on the Point where i passed through my depression process. Since i know there is a yes actual "better" version o my self.

@suhail47424 Жыл бұрын

Thanks for this video ♥️

@LDelight77 Жыл бұрын

I have def been an over apologizer, not the opposite. Apologizing for more than my share, and I became defensive as a result of people not seeing me, and having a bad pattern of allowing people to project onto me...but with people close to me, I'm not defensive. It's only when people try to falsely define me with inaccurate perceptions. working on not taking it personal when it happens so I can just laugh and shrug it off. The first 10 were super spot on for things I've been unraveling for awhile!

@Charley_breezy90 Жыл бұрын

Thanks..Glad you Love My Content, Write ✍️ Me Up 💬 Above 🔝 I'll Shear You Some beneficial Analysis'''update & enlightenment....

@tfrizz2050 2 жыл бұрын

Almost all of these I related to, but I had never realized that shame is where it all stems from. Thank you for sharing!

@juliakristinamah 2 жыл бұрын

You're welcome - really glad you found it helpful.

@KeoKitti 2 жыл бұрын

Thank you for this!!!

@bd42134 2 жыл бұрын

Love your videos!!! This one really applies to a friend of mine. I wish they would get help. I've sent them your videos but they are not ready to hear the truth.

@juliakristinamah 2 жыл бұрын

That's tough - but I do find that when people are ready, they're ready, and you can't do much to rush that process for them.

@aprilblair8080 Жыл бұрын

Not even 5 minutes in and Im already crying my eyes out. Yeah, i have a lot of shame.

@zlatkaangelova5633 2 жыл бұрын

Everything that you described- I feel and do. Thank you. I really didn't know the reason of those feelings.

@juliakristinamah 2 жыл бұрын

Really glad this helped connect some dots. How do you think this information is going to impact you moving forward?

@zlatkaangelova5633 2 жыл бұрын

Yes, absolutely. I have been trying to work on myself for years and this will bring many changes I am sure. Once I notice where things are coming from- they no longer have the same effect. It will still require a lot of work but it won't be the same. Thanks again.

@zreikflorinsamir658 2 жыл бұрын

Thank you! God bless you!

@JohnNgash-bx1sc Жыл бұрын

Thanks for this message, May God bless, it what was really screwing me , now I can handle it, I've Got alot

@marquisstarks9471 2 жыл бұрын

Excellent advice.

@brianhotaling5849 2 жыл бұрын

Thank you for this

@greyareaRK1 2 жыл бұрын

I circled around this one for a while - very close to home. Identifying the reasons for shame is difficult when it has become a core aspect of identity. As you alluded to, there is equal and opposite reaction that comes out as frustration and anger (with myself), and ultimately self-loathing. I would add an inability to accept praise; thinking of it as being humoured.

@LOVE_ALL_AROUND 11 ай бұрын

I realized after a challenging conversation with my boss I dissociated. Thank you for mentioning that.

@samreensaleemudeen1220 2 жыл бұрын

Thank you much for sharing such good details about shame .... I couldn't believe that I could almost relate to every...single... sign... All this time I thought that it was my anxiety and distorted mind that was playing games with me but today there is this new chapter called toxic shame that has opened up a new perspective for me. I really wish to learn more about this . Please do make more videos on toxic shame . I would be SO relieved to see a playlist about shame in the future 😉😊

@lisaswords1582 2 жыл бұрын

Me, also! I could not believe how I fit almost every single one!! I just don’t think of it as shame. I need to research this more, also. Thank you, Julia!! ❤️ Please do more on this subject!

@_cr8ive_ 2 жыл бұрын

Amen....absolutely 🎯🤦🏼‍♂️🤝🏻🤝🏻🤝🏻

@juliakristinamah 2 жыл бұрын

Really glad you found this one helpful and now have some tools to help you move forward.

@stevecatanio8532 Жыл бұрын

Simple format good message

@biblicalgodisonlytruegod 11 ай бұрын

Some thought ARE (actually) accurate! Sometimes we ARE being “shamed”. We need to be assertive then, and not dismiss it.

@cosmosunited 2 жыл бұрын

very helpful! thank you!

@jonsalmon2352 Жыл бұрын

Thank you 😊 I'm going through a double whammy... Thirty years ago I didn't do anything when I witnessed something awful. I hurried it deep down, so deep, I hid from my conscious memory. The damage I caused to myself and everyone around me since than has been nothing less than severely shameful. Hopefully I will find a way to forgive myself some day...

@castingmynet6134 9 ай бұрын

I'm sorry that you have pain over this! I will pray for you to find comfort. It is always better to speak up when witnessing something awful -- abuse, etc-- but if you didn't, I'm going to guess that you had factors of shock and other factors which likely kept you for using your voice to help defend, protect an adult or child in need. Through the power of Jesus Christ we can find healing-- and so can those we didn't protect when we could have. It can take a lifetime of healing and hard work, but God can heal all kinds of "brokenness" as we pray, repent (change) our ways, seek to make amends, and also seek to do righteous and loving acts of service on this earth. Keep learning about psychology and about God and you will overcome the pain. (I personally have found so much joy and healing in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

@naftalikleinman 2 жыл бұрын

Thank you Julia

@fingerprint5511 2 жыл бұрын

weirdly it came to my attention yesterday that shame has been controlling my perception, thanks ❤❤❤

@nikkimckay860 2 жыл бұрын

finger print. Hello I'm Nikki I follow Julia s videos and channel and I am in Julia's good for me group I relate to your comment

@juliakristinamah 2 жыл бұрын

isn't that wild how that works sometimes??

@nikkimckay860 2 жыл бұрын

I can definitely understand and relate to everything you are talking about Julia definitely feel like most of the time I'm just existing in my life and sometimes I feel invisible I feel shame also because everything I do or start is never enough never good enough that I'm worthless yes Julia I feel unimportant and I'm always thinking about what other people are thinking and yes I'm afraid I'll always get not really be liked and will get a lot of negatively lastly yes I'm a outsider and feel I can't always be my true self and definitely I struggle to take responsibility for my actions I'm also always saying sorry for different things oh yes Julia defensive 💖

@lorierandall1627 2 жыл бұрын

Julia, this is so about my wheelhouse and things everything you’re saying is me to a T thank you for realizing it for me and now I really think I can move forward. Thank you so much for all you do.

@juliakristinamah 2 жыл бұрын

really grateful you found this so helpful Lorie.