How To Stop Being Insecure

Рет қаралды 14,828

5 ай бұрын

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It can be hard to feel secure within ourselves when we constantly doubt whether we're good enough, loveable enough, capable enough, smart enough or in general, just, enough. Many of the things we believe about ourselves that make us feel insecure are stories our ego developed in childhood in order to get our needs met. But as adults, we are unconsciously falling into the same patterns, even though we no longer need to get these needs met in the same unhelpful ways. Here I teach you a step by step process to tame that insecure part of your ego so you can feel deeply and authentically secure and confident in who you are.
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ABOUT JULIA:
Julia Kristina, MA, is a speaker, teacher, master therapist and mental wealth coach who helps smart, highly sensitive, heart centred humans get past anxiety, stress, and self-doubt so they can have better: Better relationships, a better life and feel better about themselves.
Through her membership program, The Shift Society, she helps people identify their deep rooted thoughts and beliefs that are keeping them stuck and struggling, and then teaches them how to take charge of their minds and emotions so they can thrive in all areas of their lives.
Julia’s expertise has been featured in Inc magazine, Psych Central, Mind Body Green and numerous other publications, podcasts and television outlets. She has also given talks in front of audiences of hundreds on stages across North America. Videos on her KZfaq channel have been watched more than 15 million times and she has built a community of over 375,000 people across social media platforms. When she’s not helping her clients and students increase their emotional intelligence and mental strength, she’s out on some kind of adventure with her three children in Vancouver, Canada.
Visit Julia Kristina's website: juliakristina.com/

Пікірлер: 101

@niaselah3348 5 ай бұрын

I don't have a name for it but I call it the voice of abuse as it's the internalization of abusive messages I've been given

@kierlak 5 ай бұрын

Our external critics from childhood often become our internal ones when we enter adulthood

@niaselah3348 5 ай бұрын

@@kierlak 🎯💯

@melyndafrazer1962 5 ай бұрын

I have such a fragile ego, rarely feel good about myself, insecure, no clue who I am, second guess myself, reluctant to make decisions. I’ve got work to do, with compassion. I’ve had so much trouble with all my jobs because of it and quite frankly, I struggle with life because of this. Makes me sad

@happydays1384 3 ай бұрын

This statement is exactly who I am too. Life is such a struggle living with constant worry, fear, stress, insecurity. It's soul destroying. Time to change

@thelastvbuck 2 ай бұрын

Yep I'm exactly the same! Hope we can both make it through this! Good luck!!

@johnny_roots 5 ай бұрын

Hahaha I chose to name it after a colleague... He is often telling me to hold back on my projects, to not take chances, to be afraid of what others will think, to not fulfill my greatest potential... I used to wonder why he would act so weird to me, now I know it can only be jealousy and bitterness. Well mr, take it back with you, it's your baggage, you deal with it because I'm done being intimidated

@Dezzyyx 5 ай бұрын

exactly right

@evanamiart91 5 ай бұрын

Mine is Dale and Ive always been talking to myself since I was about 3-4, so around 30 years. I feel like I'm actually talking to Dale and its been at me for many years, plus preventing me from doing my art as of that comparison mindset. Now, with seeing a therapist monthly and watching these videos daily for life for 2-3 hours to stabilise my mind/ego and it's working.

@juliakristinamah 5 ай бұрын

I see you doing the work and not letting Dale make your decisions for you.

@allylauer3766 5 ай бұрын

I'm reading the body keeps the score, and your strategy about giving the fragile ego a name connects to the theory that each of us has several identities that we have created over time to survive and protect our true Self. I love the idea of asking the unlovable, angry, insecure parts of us to step aside in order to experience compassion for our own broken hearts. I love being able to separate my ugliness and my wretchedness from my true Self. We contain multitudes.

@isabellrc 5 ай бұрын

🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻 I do not have DID, however, there are definitely different aspects, of me personally se, that have reeked havoc

@sharonp4106 5 ай бұрын

👋Shifter here! 🔔🔔's sounding at PROCRASTINATION! Instantly transported back in time and witnessing a lack of encouragement when I struggled with learning something. Somehow, I was supposed to *get* everything I was taught, leading to insecurities and a "why bother" attitude. Now to nurture that side of myself!❤

@juliakristinamah 5 ай бұрын

Yes! And you can start with letting yourself not get something at first, and giving yourself the space to learn. See what that is like. Glad you're here Shifter.

@isabellrc 5 ай бұрын

SHIFTER here. I posted as well. After reading yours, there went yet, another, “Oh yes, that’s me too.” I see where this came from. I never had my authentic self supported!

@misschloe9451 5 ай бұрын

Mine is “Nelly”because when I was a little girl I was often told I looked like Nelly Olsen from Little House on the Prairie and I hated that because she was so nasty. Also, we’ve all heard the term “Negative Nelly”.

@juliakristinamah 5 ай бұрын

I could imagine that, in and of itself, was hurtful.

@chrisdigitalartist 5 ай бұрын

Hi Julia! Senior Shifter Chris here! I like the idea of naming our ego to help give a sense of separation from who we truly are. I don’t recall ever having imagery friend, (although I imagined other things like dinosaurs and space aliens) but I do remember in high school, one of my friends first started calling me by the wrong name, Clark, and even after I corrected him, I think he still thought I looked more like a Clark so he started calling me that every time he saw me or when I sat down and ate lunch with him. So, I always kind of like that. But of course, being in high school, I was struggling with insecurity, so...I will call my ego Clark! Thanks for the reminders so we know how to check with ourselves and with our egos! Here are my notes: * Your ego is your sense of self. * If you have an insecure ego, you can have an insecure sense of self. (Not feel good about yourself or overcompensate and try to appear better than others) *Try to over accomplish or overachieve * Try to perfect or please * Deferring decisions If your ego is feeling threaten, it may be… * When you act out or react internally in an insecure way to something. * When you feel jealous or comparing yourself and feeling "less than" and you make yourself "bigger than" * When you feel like who you are is not good enough and you have to do or archive or accomplish and to feel "good enough" * When we try to do things to prove or earn our worth, those tasks are not going to be done. That is not how worth is created. What do we do? *Name it - Name that insecure ego (an actual name) and notice when your ego shows up (Not your authentic self) *Spot the story - Is that ego trying to convince you that you are not good enough, lovable enough or worthy enough? *Ask yourself - When I believe this story, how do I act or react? What would I want to think about myself instead? (Think healthier about yourself and get better outcomes in life)

@juliakristinamah 5 ай бұрын

Thanks for this Chris.

@chrisdigitalartist 5 ай бұрын

@@juliakristinamah My pleasure, coach!

@niaselah3348 5 ай бұрын

I think it's also important to consider how we collectively give these messages of not enough and comparisons in order to invalidate. A lot of times it's not just in your head. You have received those messages from your environment and when you do the work of deconstructing them and move from that place, a lot of times you experience the push back from the environment which reinforces those messages The individual work is double. Towards yourself but also regarding the messages or narratives we collectively reproduce

@Dezzyyx 5 ай бұрын

I guess that would be the ego response/defense of others, as ego is insecure it's threatened by a secure ego, and wants you to stay on the insecure ego plane with them

@natalief3810 5 ай бұрын

Shifter here! Whooo this talk hit home. I call my ego Phoebe…the backstory is that she came in second place when my parents were deciding on my birth name. Phoebe likes to hijacker’s my thoughts and tell me I’m “small” and “unlovable”. I’ve struggled with codependency in my life and she likes to pop in as I learn to set boundaries. I’m working on intentionally noticing and even writing down when the people I care about are supportive of boundaries I set. It helps Phoebe feel more secure.

@juliakristinamah 5 ай бұрын

Beautiful work Natalie. How can you help Phoebe feel secure even when people are not supportive of your boundaries?

@isabellrc 5 ай бұрын

I like this approach!!!

@FaintAura 5 ай бұрын

I'm pretty secure about the relationships in my life, but they're pretty much all long-lasting ones. I don't have much experience in making friends as an adult so my newest friendship (of less than a year) is causing me insecurity, and it's not necessarily something my friend is doing. I can talk to her about anything and she's pleasant. I very much enjoy her company. My insecurity comes when I see her laughing and enjoying herself with other people. I feel like she'll eventually get bored with me and find better friends. It's possessive thinking and not good for either of us, but how can I stop it?

@Dezzyyx 5 ай бұрын

realize what she does or wants is out of your control, so there is no need trying to

@juliakristinamah 5 ай бұрын

I hear you - it can feel scary to open ourselves up to new relationships when we don't have a long history with the person to feel more secure in. Although we can never control how long someone decides to stay in our lives, it sounds like she values you as much as you value her. What about resting your mind on that fact right now?

@FaintAura 5 ай бұрын

@@juliakristinamah thanks Julia. Help further soothe my insecure brain - what from my post makes you believe she values me like that?

@Jules-zg1ip 5 ай бұрын

I don't really have a name for her other than the "hurt child" that refuses to release her grip on me. Her grip is particularly strong when I am around accomplished, confident people. She is right there to tell me I am not that. How I wish I could distance myself from her....or heal her.

@juliakristinamah 5 ай бұрын

Jules, instead of thinking that you are not these things, what would you like to be thinking about yourself?

@allylauer3766 5 ай бұрын

Read the body keeps the score!

@shakiralippert442 5 ай бұрын

Hi Julia nice to meet you.I am Shakira all the way from South Africa,I really enjoy your topics , counseling and help .It really means a lot to me as I was very young when my parents divorced.I then got married young ended up in a very bad divorce and today I'm a mom to two beautiful boys ..my sister's still treats me like a child and I'm almost 41yrs old.On the other hand I feel insecure because I am in a relationship with someone whose parents was never there for him since young so I really learn alot from your counseling how to navigate life I take it as counseling.Thankyou from the bottom of my heart ,May God bless you abundantly.🙏🌺🌺💗

@SOGSouljah 5 ай бұрын

Great insight!! Your hair looks really good 😊

@adrianp891 5 ай бұрын

Thank you so much for sharing

@farbeyondfading8697 5 ай бұрын

Recently discovered this channel and have watched a lot of your videos in support of my personal improvement journey. You provide great advice and communicate in a way that provides a lot of comfort. Thank you for what you do, and best luck to everyone on this journey as well ❤

@rongike 5 ай бұрын

those more destructive sides of the ego can still be helpful in a way, that is if they're no longer in charge of our lives. they are what helps us empathize with people who are still struggling with these issues, otherwise we might just go "oh those idiots, what's wrong with them, why don't they just love themselves" 😅

@Dezzyyx 5 ай бұрын

good point, but now that I have grown and seen beyond the ego myself it does bother me to see people who are still stuck, both because I want them to realize the same things as I've done, but also because now I have to put up with their egos despite knowing it isn't really my job, but it is theirs and they're not doing the work. And that sees us stuck in a poor quality relationship despite me growing as a person. No one wants to be stuck in a negative past pattern when they grow beyond it. Think someone leaving their abusive relationship behind, why would they go back when they finally realized they deserve better. You can only do so much for another at your own expense. So it's hard to tolerate too much ego from others when you're onto greener pastures. I'm much better at ignoring them now though, and not reacting in turn or internalizing their insecurity as my problem.

@rongike 5 ай бұрын

@@Dezzyyx you can have compassion for someone from a distance, honoring their process and wishing the best for them

@juliakristinamah 5 ай бұрын

Amen. Empathy always wins.

@thevoiceoffred9230 5 ай бұрын

I love you. 🤟🏾 your videos possess deep, enriching perspectives.

@eggsbeeped 2 ай бұрын

really love this channel. Dealing with alot of this stuff right now Thanks

@elijahgwei1004 5 ай бұрын

Hello Julia, u are out here saving lives n making a huge difference in the mental health space. I had suffered with social anxiety, low self esteem, depression and feeling of being stuck in a mental prison for several years now. I had a college mate who made fun of my walk and said I walk like a female n that affected me for so long that I literally try to hide from people and it affected my life, career, family and me functioning as a normal person. Naming that voice or feeling I hear everytime I try to walk around people with that person name, is already so relieving n I have tears of joy in my eyes.

@isabellrc 5 ай бұрын

I look forward to the next video. I see No, I don’t do this. Then, oooo, I did create personas that were not me. This was crisis in of itself. Very sad when I look back at it now!! I definitely want to bring more of this to our Shifters, and work it through.

@GoProaffilliates Ай бұрын

This is helpful, thank you so much

@theannacorley 5 ай бұрын

Your videos are always so insightful. Thank you for posting. It really helps reframe my thinking 😊

@sofiaaa3 Ай бұрын

Thank u so much for this incredible video !

@LusciousBlackQueen 5 ай бұрын

Growing up my Gma would tell me "Na green eye afa nabody, ya na no wa dem a go tru". Translation: "Don't be jealous of what someone/anyone has whether an person or/& thing, for you don't know what they are going thru to keep that person or/& thing". I tried to keep that advice for an long time.......until 2003 September. Think Imma call it "Diane". Why? That was the 1stX I felt alil tingle of jealous when my SIL & I caught her brother/ my husband cheating on me w/a woman whose name was Diane that Sept. That moment my Gma words came to me, combating me wondering what I didn't have but she did. But then found out that he was cheating w/other women too, so quickly said that I will not have it get to me & thus div him. Now when I feel alil jealousy tingle (now named Diane) rise up, I will say "Nope, Gma words are true about you Diane", thus push it out my mind ever the more.

@thisisme3238 5 ай бұрын

Very good content, glad I subscribed. Thank you

@juliakristinamah 5 ай бұрын

Really glad you're here too. Welcome!

@thisisme3238 5 ай бұрын

@@juliakristinamah thank you

@beckymabry2602 5 ай бұрын

Thank you so much for these videos. Sally is going to be kicked to the curb!

@juliakristinamah 5 ай бұрын

#byesally 😉

@user-wm4vp3go5j 4 ай бұрын

Julia I feel more good about the person you are and it gives me hope that maybe there is a woman that is as bright as you that I can find. I can't help but not like many other people but I feel very comfortable to listen to your instructions and you also remind of someone I've known but moving across America has made me find completely new connections. I have realized that most of my relationships have almost always come from someone that feels comfortable with me from seeing me around and taking part for there activities. Very rarely or maybe not at all have my good friends came from a first impression

@kierlak 5 ай бұрын

I do love your channel (especially videos on HSPs), however I don't like something about this video. Let me explain: Everything you said is great apart from "Kicking Cindy to the kerb" and "putting some parts of ourselves aside". Perhaps my perception is coming from my background (which is Internal Family Systems Therapy) where it's basically parts work and what I learned is that there are no bad parts and the best approach is to actually get closer to parts of ourselves that we may be disliking, helping them out and releasing the burdens that they've been carrying. And ultimately those parts eventually do transform. I get the general idea: rewriting our stories we've been telling ourselves, challenging our beliefs about ourselves that we have developed while growing up. Maybe I am just being chery picking little bit but I am just curious on your thoughts regarding my comment.

@juliakristinamah 5 ай бұрын

I agree with you. We do need to integrate and radically accept all parts of ourselves, but becoming more conscious means we recognize when certain parts of ourselves are trying to threaten our security in our being. In those cases, those parts of us need a stern talking to and need to know that even if they are there, they are not the one calling the shots. Like a child throwing a tantrum - we recognize a deeper need is being expressed without knowing how to express it in a helpful way, and we love the child regardless, but as we seek to learn what the need is, we also teach them ways to express such needs in a more helpful way, and discourage the tantruming.

@allylauer3766 5 ай бұрын

Yesss IFS

@benjaminjonathan2700 4 ай бұрын

I'm Benjamin Jonathan and I watched this because this is my problem

@laib-et6qf Ай бұрын

Mam ! Outstanding . You are amazing so amzing . I just listen to only one vedio of yours and it greatly help me.. thankyou for putting your enery for helping me.

@oliverrojas3185 5 ай бұрын

Experieincing iternal resistance when taking new life changing steps. Thanks for posting this video.

@juliakristinamah 5 ай бұрын

what do you think that resistance is about?

@oliverrojas3185 5 ай бұрын

@@juliakristinamah Fear of uncertainty that accompanies progress and learning how to navigate conflict with aplomb in instances where it causes peers and supervisors discomfort.

@oliverrojas3185 5 ай бұрын

@@juliakristinamah it’s about taking steps to end a side of me that engages in escapism and is addicted to pornography. Although l. Know in my mind that letting those things go is opening a door of time that allows for engaging in greater responsibility, there’s also a side of me that recognizes those behaviors are what helped get me to where l am, but no longer serve my current interests.

@lucycolon1538 5 күн бұрын

I don't have a name yet, but thank you for your help and guidance.

@inthedetails5467 5 ай бұрын

I’m pretty secure but I’ve called the triggered me the “Childhood Version of (my name)” that is like this scared tyrant who I choose to consciously “spare” people of when I feel hurt because I can be petty and backstabbing.

@sahirradessessoz 4 ай бұрын

I love your channel! I am new subscriber

@allylauer3766 5 ай бұрын

I dont remember ever receiving negative messages from my caregivers regarding my worth or love. I always felt loved. Yet growing up i struggled so much with self esteem, perfectionism, agreeableness, ppl pleasing, a sense of agency, things i am still working on. Are these just impossible expectations that i put on myself of "not enough?"

@kirstenvzumba9246 5 ай бұрын

I know! Me too!! I don't remember any childhood trauma from my parents. But I've been struggling with feelings of insecurity for as long as I can remember!! I think they must've been from teachers, other kids in school, seeing idealistic images on TV (in the 60's and 70's), these are the things that I remember made me feel "different" and inferior

@SoniaProteau-cj6tk 5 ай бұрын

I agree 😊

@godsdaughter1185 4 ай бұрын

I feel good about who I am, but sometimes other people have attempted to make me think that I am not good enough.

@AmanSS890 3 ай бұрын

Growing up I was very insecure allways second guessed everything that I did but as I started doing my own thing like a few years ago go I opened my own business and I am a LOT MORE OPEN TO NEW IDEAS . I think we get stuck to much what other people are thinking about us when really they. Aren’t . Facebook and Instagram only is someone’s high light real remember that . Your videos have helped me 😀 thanks a lot

@Marekcatholic 5 ай бұрын

Shifter . Great topic , Julia! the name that Ive given it is Richard. Sometimes he is giving me a hard time. :)

@juliakristinamah 5 ай бұрын

Hey Shifter - thanks for sharing!

@CartoonKidOLLY 2 ай бұрын

God I hate myself even more after watching this 😂 ticked every box

@tylerdonald6050 3 ай бұрын

Good evening yall. Tyler here ❤

@tylerdonald6050 3 ай бұрын

I haven't named my ego yet

@rongike 5 ай бұрын

I think a good way to determine whether your goals are wholesome is to imagine fulfilling them and then sensing if what that makes you feel is happiness or pride. If pride is your motivator, it's most likely driven by insecurity.

@juliakristinamah 5 ай бұрын

Interesting - I like this.

@justingalbreath4489 2 ай бұрын

Donny as in donny downer...lol I have always thought for some reason.

@bobbyth1 18 күн бұрын

After I went through divorce, I become unsecure, and I cannot trust anymore I lost all my trust with all my family members.

@stevecatanio8532 5 ай бұрын

Different today.💪

@carefulcarpenter 5 ай бұрын

Many "overachievers" out there. "A critic is a master of imperfection." cc. 2004

@user-ol4el5lz1s 5 ай бұрын

I think my ego name will be twister because of all the twist and turns from when I was born till now

@erikalarsson 5 ай бұрын

I go yo person that abuse me i try to convinse them to se my eoth and approved that i am good girl alwas getting eorse they disdcare me more.itd so hard dont have noone that love me no friend no family .i forget my autinc self is