"When you're people pleasing, remember that you are people too." I think I'm gonna frame this phrase up somewhere because sometimes I need that reminder.

Nurse with ADHD here. I'm learning to just say "no" to shifts when I don't feel like working. That may sound silly to some people, but I was always taught to work as hard as possible and as long as possible, as well as to help people as much as possible. After several meltdowns at different jobs, just saying "no" seems to be the best way to stay unmelted for me. It's a bit counterintuitive when comparing the rest of my life, where I need to do things even when I don't feel like doing them, but it's working so far.

"Not depression but feeling depressed".. very relatable right now. Been in kind of a slump. I'll have to keep the values thing in mind while I try to figure out what I need to change...

Oh wow, feeling guilty for not doing more. "Am I doing enough? I'm not doing more, I COULD be doing MORE, I'm not doing enough," which for me leads directly to "I am not enough." Thank you for this, like, SO much. Also for always making me smile with your opening sequences. I, too, have done the thing with the two coffee cups, and yeah, it uh, heh. I am forever grateful to the woman who first sent me a link to your channel, and to you for making these videos.

I've learned that "working through tiredness" is extremely injurious to my health. I used it to get my PhD done, but I'm still paying for it.

"I should be doing more." I've realized lately why this is such a problem for me. I can do about half as much as a neurotypical person because I'm so unorganized. But I can think of things to do (whether they are necessary, a good idea, or just plain fun) about ten times as fast as a neurotypical person. So that's why I feel like I have 20 times as many things to do as I can do! And since this happens every day, my todo list just gets longer and longer, and that's why I feel so overwhelmed. I'm working on narrowing down the list...

"I like having teeth" - Jessica, 2021

I just cried myself through a therapy session in which multiple times I said "I am doing too much, I need to learn how to slow down." and this is the first notification I saw afterward. Perfect timing for me to help drive some messages home.

one thing that helped me a lot was changing the meaning of "productivity" from working, studying, etc to doing things that are good for me. sometimes that's learning something new and sometimes that's taking a break. i've been feeling more satisfied ever since.

I tend to think about this as "opportunity cost," that the real cost of something is what else you give up being able to purchase. Time spent in one place can't be spent elsewhere. This also reminds me of a pamphlet about procrastination that urged people to examine without shame what they get from procrastinating because sometimes it's a legitimately good trade. The ADHD still makes it challenging to spend my time deliberately, but looking at this in these ways helps me feel less ashamed when things don't get done.

I'm only just beginning to realize how much time/energy I've spent and stress I've caused to myself trying to live a life based not on the values I have, but on the values I *think* I should have. Feels like a bit of an ADHD thing -- trying so hard to fit your square-peg brain into the round-hole world that you forget about honoring the squareness of you because you're so ashamed of being what you are, because what you are is wrong somehow. I've been doing this for so long that I've almost completely lost touch with what actually matters to me, much less been able to convince myself that it's worth setting aside time for it. You've given me a lot to chew on. Thank you for the food!!

Some of my values are: being in nature, exercise, friends and crafting. Weirdly all of those are pushed to the side the moment something gets hard, like work or just so stressed out.

I needed this right now 💜

I love that you mention lack of energy. I work as an EMT and I'm a single mom. I value work and value time with my kids. But I expend SO much energy at work I can barely get out of bed on a day off. Thanks for helping me see I'm not alone

Haven't watched the full video yet but ik you might respond if I comment now; thanks for your videos . Adhd was a struggle my whole life your videos helped me and my parents understand what the heck my brain is doing

I’m 63 on 11/21. My values are in my alone time at about 3 am and my study time at about 4:30. At my age I still want to learn new things. 🌺

I JUST got diagnosed as a university student in my last year (year 6 for a 4 year program lol 😅). I have an appointment to start medication tomorrow. I appreciate your content so much. I related so hard that it convinced me this was an avenue worth pursuing. I’m so excited to make adjustments and hopefully start enjoying learning again now that I have this piece of the puzzle figured out. Thank you so much for the work you do. The future finally seems bright.

I love that, I still remember my best friend telling me, that I can also decline an appointment if I don't already have something planned at this time!

Engineering student here, happy to hear this message. I recently just got out of an overworked slump. I also realized being overworked and overwhelmed = less sleep= even more hyperactivity.

About the "you are people too" - whenever I feel like I'm not doing enough, I try to think of what I would tell a friend struggling with the same thing. If my friend deserves kindness, there's no reason I wouldn't deserve it too

This is me from pouring the coffee! When I taught ESL online, I opened every slot from 7:00 p.m.- 8:00 a.m. 7 days a week and they almost always filled. The money was great, but I was getting no sleep. Putting myself last is an issue and my therapist tries to get it through my thick head!

"Remember that you are people too" oof that hit home. Thank you for these, every time. Truly grateful for what you do ❤❤❤❤

A values list! Such a good idea, I think I'll implement this and also show it to my friends. In a fast paced life this small details are so important but often overlooked.

I needed to hear this now. Especially I have this voice in my head that guilty me into doing more or shames me for not doing enough. I'm trying to combat and find the source of where this voice internalized from. In a world that keeps reinforcing the idea you must be productive 24/7 and not doing so you're seen as a leech on society, it's good to have a reminder we're allowed to live a life in balance with work and play. And a good reminder we're limited in our capacity, even if we hate to admit it

Holy crap this makes so much sense on a fundamental level. Even though I feel like I'm GREAT at multitasking and being able to juggle a bunch of things, I've never realised that I tend to push more of one thing and lessen the others to the point of almost neglect due to becoming hyperfocused on one particular thing that I enjoy. I'd been in a huge slump recently, and honestly I'd chalked it up to being a depressive episode and a little bit of Seasonal Affective Depression on top. But really when I think about it harder, I've been neglecting doing more of the other things I enjoy or need to do, and instead just been focusing on one aspect of my life instead.

Now that I've had the chance to watch the video, you're spot-on. The only thing I struggle with these days is being able to balance work with financial circumstances. I feel like I have no choice but to sacrifice my personal values in order to survive. I'm lucky to have enough financial resources now to be able to take some time off, but that doesn't make it any easier, and I know there are many who have it much worse.

Dealing with this now...I feel mentally exhausted cause there's so much to do and I already struggle with not finishing things and they add and then I find there's more to do😔

High five for 8 minutes a week, Jess! 😎👍

The key takeaway for me is this: "Your capacity is limited by your values." I couldn't agree more with this statement! What matters most to me is my family, and I know I'm my heart and from experience that I will go to greater lengths for my family than for anything else.

Living in line with my values is something I strive for as well. One of my values was also being a good dog mom. I just lost my 15 year old dog this past weekend, and I am so so so glad that I prioritized her over a lot of things I 'should' have been doing. Those memories are so precious to me now. Also - losing her has been so hard, and I 'should' have returned to work today, but my work is a lot of emotional labor and I'm not ready yet; I'm proud of myself for prioritizing my grieving and healing process.

It's funny how in sync we are sometimes, I was just talking to my therapist last week about how I feel I am not doing enough and although I am trying to be kinder to myself it is a struggle because often it feels like it is either get stuff done or take care of myself. I have a hard time doing both.

I say this like a broken record. This is so valuable -- to far more people than just ADHD. A child with parents that don't have these tools to teach their children can end up the same. They are forced to figure it out for themselves. A good thing, and such a challenge Thank you SO MUCH. Bring this forward is AWESOME, and I am 68 years old and not a teacher!

Oh dang. It actually makes so much sense that the reason I feel disconnected from my values is 'cause I'm literally not making sure I'm spending enough time on them. Like, besides my education, none of my values are getting the dedicated attention they deserve. No- that I deserve! I'm super hyped now, thanks for this video

I've been trying to work on this and one thing that has helped is the bullet journal. it has allowed me to schedule tasks and assign a value to them. bird watching when the herons are in town is more Important than covering your shift. and having the planner to pull out look at and say "I'm busy that day I can't" keeps me from over committing myself. thanks for all of the amazingly helpful videos, you rock.

Coming to this realization thanks to Mark Manson a few months ago has actually been completely life-changing to me. I had never even say down and identified what babies I wanted to hold. Instead, I was mis-managing a bunch of conflicting values that I never chose in the first place, many of which I realized I didn't even like. So. Yeah. Values are everything. He also talked about how saying "no" is saying "maybe" to an infinite amount of things. Saying "yes" to one thing is saying "no" to everything else.

My values: Spending time with my kitties Caring for my kitties (litter box, food, vet, etc...) Making good meals Cleaning the house Laundry Gaming (how I want, not how people in my gaming world want me to play) Spending time with my husband (need to do more of that...) Laundry Running Errands Doctor visits Keeping my teeth clean and putting my braces back in without waiting too long (hard to do sometimes!) Sleep (though I hate the act of going to sleep, this channel has helped make it better!) Self care (remembering to shower...) Singing Playing Piano Yard work Working on my plushie commissions (really bad at that lately) Trying to find a balance is hard! I really wish there was an app for this with those sliders! That would be so awesome! (free app lol)

I love this idea, but I think it can go even deeper. As an example, I had a six figure career as an engineer with a major motor manufacturer (I know, rare for a brain), I had, and continue to be, married for 16 years, I had, and continue to have a great group of friends. But I was not happy, took a lot for me to admit that to myself. After a lot of meditating, I figured out why, I was not building anything anymore. Work had taken over all the time and energy I had to go into the lab, build things, film and publish videos. I recently took a new position as a Sr. new product architect, and now I am building things again, and for the first time I am starting to produce content again for both of my KZfaq channels. My point, it is not just energy and time that you are committing, it is what you are doing during those commitments. I now have a career where when I put more time and energy into it, I get returns not only on the work slider, but on the making things slider and the learning new skills slider. I think seeking or prioritizing commitments that can multiple wins can be a great strategy.

so glad you’re taking care of yourself, to move towards a brighter tomorrow, momma brain 🧠

Great job with this episode. You were the reason I got diagnosed. I also feel like I am never doing enough when I am doing college full time work full time and start my writing business. I am so glad you shared your story

What an amazing explanation as to why I struggle with some tasks. I never gave thought to the values that define me and whether or not what I'm doing matches what matters to me. I'm going to put some time into this and make a list. Thank you for your videos. You not only inspired me to learn more about my ADHD, you also helped me with making the decision to get back on my meds after struggling for 20 years and "hulk smashing" my way through everything. Things are looking up, and I'm feeling hopeful for the future. Thank you!

Just what I needed right now

Wow this is literally the video I needed after withdrawing from a college course that was simply too much, that I had only stayed in for this long because of the feeling of "I could be doing more! I can't be this bad!" I mean the fact that it was a fairly interesting course content-wise wasn't helping either. Anyway, it was a real hard decision to make as it makes me feel like I'm weak. But I think this was for the better. There's other more important things at stake right now

"When you're people-pleasing, remember that you are people too." Word.

I have severe anxiety about everything I could be doing... To the point it freezes me in my seat. There always seems so much and there is always more that's required of me. I'm a disabled single mom but I want to have a life to move forward with when she's grown up and it's time for her to move forward. This helps a lot. An ADHD coach may be exactly what I needed.

Your videos have helped so much. I've spent almost my whole life thinking something was wrong with me. Until I stumbled onto your channel. My therapist had just diagnosed me at 52 but I was still feeling somehow it was me thing. So then I also found your Ted Talk "Failing at Normal" and all the pieces fell into place. So, over-sharing all of this just to say Thank you. Thank you.

I had actually been putting off watching this video almost sort of knowing its exactly what i needed to hear. At times its almost suffocating wondering if ive done enough, and ive been really struggling since 2 very important adults in my life are telling me im not.. thank you again for another extremely helpful video. My path may not be easy, but i can handle it

This is so important that I feel the need to find more hours of content about it.

I’ve learned to be aware of my feelings and needs so I can tailor my to-do list to match each day but then my mom will give me an itinerary for each day based solely on what she wants. I’ve tried to negotiate with her and advocate for myself (I’m 19) but she just retaliates by saying I’m too focused on myself and my feelings. Apparently because she feels miserable and hates life all day she thinks I should too. She keeps saying “that’s life” but it’s actually just the life that she’s made for herself. It’s been so frustrating that despite understanding myself, acknowledging my struggles, and learning possible solutions I still can’t succeed because I am held to the standards of others. Thank you so so much for making these videos! Even though I can’t do much to help my situation it has helped me immensely to learn about myself and grow into who I am regardless of what other people say. ❤️

This hit at the perfect time. Finding balance is so hard when you feel you’re always falling short of what you want to do. This helped put a lot into perspective. Thank you so much for what you do. It is immeasurable how much it really helps.

I finally spoke to my doctor today and she's going to refer me to an adult adhd service to get tested. Your work is without a doubt meaningful but please do take care of yourself too

This video reminded me of a quote from another great KZfaqr: “You will always struggle with not feeling productive until you accept that your own joy can be something you produce. It is not the only thing you will make, nor should it be, but it is something valuable and beautiful.” ― Hank Green, A Beautifully Foolish Endeavor

“When you are people pleasing, remember… you are people too… You Matter.” 😭 Thanks for this… I am so overwhelmed by life at the moment. So many people asking for pieces of my time and capacity. I need to remember that I matter too.

Thank you for your videos, so so much. I am starting to understand I am not 'broken' 'mentally unhealthy' just DIFFERENT. I would love to be able to contribute to your videos in some way, with my own research into self-improvement and mental well-being!

Values list, and blocking my values. So super important. Going to try this out. When I have spoons for it. /: My values: good pet mom; good roommate/friend; good work ethic while at work (so draining right now).... not sure what else. I’m super tired from being essential for so long. Probably need to add self care a little bit at a time until that can become a value too.

"You are people too" oof that line hits REEEEAAALLLY hard....

Thank you Jess. My entire family got Covid 3 days ago. Let me tell you that even being very sick it is hard for me to relax without feeling unproductive. I can't control much of anything right now and find comfort in enjoying some of my long lost hobbies. Your content has saved me from many downward spirituals. YOU give me a safe space to when my ADHD and anxiety have me emotionally paralyzed. I know for a fact that I am not the only one that has benefited greatly from all of your hard work. Take some time for yourself for your sake and ours. :)

This. People need to understand this. A lot of people around me are workaholics and they don't understand why I can't have the same work ethic

I've got a new job, and as someone who has had a job impact them for years after its 6 month stint, I fully understand the need for boundaries when It comes to work. However my new job in its default state doesn't respect those boundaries, if they want you to do overtime you HAVE to do overtime. It's gruelling uninteresting work, and I've heard the words "work takes priority" which is just gross. the disability organisation that got me this job sorted out a limit to my hours but also wants me to stick with this job for quite a few months. My boundaries are being thoroughly tested People keep telling me to just suck it up, but I need to respect myself and respect my boundaries. I know the consequences if I don't. It helps to keep the mentality of "this is my labour I'm selling to you, I can choose the conditions of the sale". It also helps to view your workplace as a relationship, if the relationship keeps violating your boundaries then that's something you need to take control of before it destroys you.

"When you're people pleasing, remember that you are people too." I really needed to hear this. I cannot believe that I've never thought of it this way.

This video came out at the perfect time for me, I took off work yesterday because I wasn't feeling well and I could not stop being mad at myself for not being able to do more while I was home all day 🙃 I wanted to do homework, work on music, or go to the gym, but I just didn't have the energy to 😭 this video makes me feel better about using my time to take care of myself, thank you 💖

This couldn't have come at a more perfect time. Thank you.

I just want to say "Thank You!" Watching your videos and being apart of a community has really helped me understand myself better and learn how to manage it better.

Thank you for this timely video. I am a university professor and researcher, who LOVES what they do! I had a moment about a month ago during a therapy session where I vocalized "I'm not living the life I want". In verbalizing that, I broke down. I love my work but I have never wanted it to be my identity. It was valued but was not the highest of my values. Despite that, it would likely appear to anyone who looked at me that it was my highest value. I realized that I needed to make changes to my life to better balance workload and get to engaging in relationships and activities that brought me joy and fulfillment, that I valued more. I reflected that the happiest I can remember was when I was doing that.

I really needed to hear this today. Thanks for this! I have two part time jobs and trying to keep boundaries in place is really difficult. I look at the time when I'm off and worry that I'm being selfish or lazy by not working while also feeling overworked. Realizing that this is a common problem is a relief

This was so perfect and exactly what I needed as I’m beginning this new chapter in my life. Thank you! 😊😌

Wow, this is really good advice for everyone, regardless of their situation in life!

I feel this so muchy!!! I have been called selfless many times in my life and this is exactly why. Caring about yourself feels wrong on so many levels. I feel so selfish when putting myself first. It is definitely a struggle for ADHD brains.

This is a great topic. Thank you! It's also an economic topic: opportunity cost. You have to give something to get something.

Never thought about picking up something extra means dropping something else. Thank you for sharing! It's definitely an Aha Moment as to why I tend to be perpetually tired, stressed, and blah. Would you please do a follow up? I know I'm not the only one struggling with "but it's not productive or of value ". Example: I love playing the cello or piano, or coloring/painting, but I'm making money or in any way contributing/helping others. It only impacts me positively. And the added guilt of still needing to sort and organize the house better, on top of usual things like cleaning, laundry, cooking, errands, etc. So I just put fun on the backburner as not worth it. Any suggestions?

This hits hard right now, going through this same thing. Thank you

THIS HAS BREN HUGE FOR ME. One of my bigger symptoms is not knowing how much time things will take or how much energy. My entire adult life has been a constant shifting things around responsibilities, hobbies, etc to as what I told me therapist “bite off what I can chew.” I am currently going to school, working part time, and I am a mom. I was working full time and I asked my manager to reduce my hours and luckily that’s a possibility at my job. We are actually working on reducing my hours a bit more right now because I am possibly going to be upping my school hours. I am lucky enough to have a supportive spouse who makes more than me anyway and I totally get the privilege that is but if you can and you need it, do it!

I’m a student studying to be a music educator. I recently heard a current music teacher say that there will always be more to do. You need to draw the boundaries and keep to them, so that you aren’t becoming burned out.

Thank you so much! You alway seem to say the things I need to hear. I value reading. It’s on my daily habit tracker and I have been putting it off for weeks. Telling myself “I need to do this…” “I need to do that…” “That is WAY more important than reading right now”, but you are right. The things you value are the things that make up a life and I have to honor my values to honor myself. 💕

Thank you for the videos! They’ve helped me realize that I might have ADHD. I never got diagnosed as a kid since I was gifted and have the inattentive type symptoms. I’m worried about how to approach this with my parents because of this (and also since I can see a lot of the symptoms in my mom).

Thank you. My trauma therapist talked to me several months ago about the need to live a value-centered life, and I either wasn’t ready to hear it or wasn’t ready to understand the full impact of how much living the way I am is killing me. I was ready today and really needed to hear this. You’ll never truly know; I’m at a pivotal turning point in my life, and I think you just reminded me of the tool I needed to let me figure out where to go. Thank you. Thank you, thank you.

Hey girl. Your content has been so amazing to follow as a woman in her early 30s and who has had a lifelong struggle with ADHD. I would love to see a video that touches on starting a family/pregnancy/parenting - all while managing a career - while having ADHD. There is so much information about raising kids who have it but not enough for us parents who are struggling with it. I am sure there are so many who benefit from this! Thanks again

I really needed to hear this. Some of my values are creativity and growing as an artist. But I've felt really guilty because I haven't known where to start and I've tried to improve and take classes but then I end up giving up for a while because a lot of classes and methods of learning art are not ADHD-friendly. I really want an art-related job, but I can't get one if I'm not a good artist, so I end up feeling guilty for not drawing anything. Anyone know of any ADHD-friendly tutorials, tips, classes, methods, or schools, or anything that could help this ADHD brain learn art?

I'm coming close to my mock exams soon in school and this really helped me, thank you.

Perfect timing! Thank you 💖

Thank you, thank you! I really needed to hear this today

I always found it hard to appreciate thing. Like I know what I have and I'm thankful but I just can't appreciate it? I know how much I have but I can't appreciate it?

I feel so emotional thinking about this because I've been struggling with doing college online. Regardless of wether I'm on track any given week I've been learning new recipes to cook and baking because I value being able to make those things for the people I care about and for myself. I've been feeling guilty about making time for that when I'm behind in school..

This is so true! So glad to hear you're taking care of yourself and aligning your life with your values! Taking care of you helps us, too - I'm glad you'll have the energy to keep making amazing content like this for many years to come. So please keep prioritizing yourself first!

Such a good reminder, thank you for sharing this with us Jess 💗 keep doing what you’re doing

I've reached out to Edge because it sounds brilliant. I wonder if they work with people outside of the USA though? Also the values plan is wonderful.

My question is a sophomore in high school is: how do I manage this when every one else seems to be doing so much more and manage it. So how can I as someone with adhd manage this without compromising my grades or activities i can list on my uni application? Bruh I wrote this and then you started your part for edge, but still any other tips?

I've already been struggling with this in a different sence: I've finally been moving towards working on my own projects and getting them off the ground (i made a whole work book of your Should I do the Thing! worksheets!) but money can be a bit sporadic since I'm a freelance illustrator. Part of my brain is insisting that I force myself into a job outside of the house, but because I can't drive (thanks adhd) the commutes are longer, more exhausting, and shifts will be constantly all over the place. That will affect my values and mental health because thats what it did before. -sigh- Just gotta keep working on my projects.

I so appreciate this. Thank you for putting these things into words, it is helping me to start thinking differently about my time, priorities, and well-being.

Thank you so much for this video, it popped up just when I needed to hear it. 💗

Needed this! Thank you 🙏

Thank you for being awesome, I really needed this right now

Lol you always seem to post a video about exactly what I'm struggling with at any given time. I've always had trouble prioritizing other things besides work in a way that was in line with how much I valued them. Breaking everything down into a list sounds like a good idea, thanks!

Thanks so much! This is spot on! And I totally watched it at a time when I need it most. ❤️

Thank you! Being align with our value, is that much important, to be happy, and do the things we wanna do to the fullest capacity ^^

Exactly what I needed to hear in my life right now. 💗

This is wonderful. Thank you for this! ❤

This message is right on time for me. Thank you

Jessica, thank you so much for the work you do! Don't feel like you're leaving your subscribers hanging if you need to take time for the other things you value in your life. Your subscribers have their choice of over 200 videos to watch on your channel. We can get our Jessica fix anytime we need it, even if you don't produce a new video every week. You're amazing. Don't ever forget it!

I really needed this video ❤Thank you so much for your amazing work jessica

I swear these almost always align with something I need to hear... Thank you Jessica!!