I'm a radiologist old enough to remember when "x-rays" were on film instead of digital. EVERY radiology department had a "hall of shame" of abdominal films with.... unusual objects. One time a surgeon walked by and saw a vibrator in a pelvis and chimed in "Does he want it taken out, or should I just change the batteries?"

My favorite quote by an Arizona ER doc: "Why do people always have to be naked when they fall into a cactus?"

Wife is an ER nurse and can 100% confirm the accuracy of said letter. She also says that if it takes extra long for the doctor(s) to see you in person, it's because they are trying really hard to stop laughing.

A friend of mine from the ER once told me the worst they had was two guys with pine cones. They open up if they get warm ... You're welcome for that image in your head.

I worked respiratory care in acute care hospitals for 25 years, which involved a great deal of time in the ER. I usually worked 12 hour night shifts. One Saturday night, in '88 or '89, we had a guy come through ER with an orange in his rectum. This would require surgical removal. I did a pre op EKG and ABGs on this man. The surgeon on call, performed the surgery about 1 or 2 in the morning. This story was well known by medical staff, by Monday. His Name was protected, from those that had no business with this patient. Our CEO, who had a good sense of humor, had a flower shop deliver, to the surgeon, a gift basket of oranges. True story.

In the ER we had a saying - without a base, without a trace

Flared bases, people. They'll save you an ER visit, and a callout at a Lewis Black show.

My wife has been a nurse almost 40 years working different departments and floors. During her travels in E.R.,a dude came in with a fischer price phone stuck where the sun dont shine.she was telling me this story and im picturing the red handset sticking out with this big shit eating grin on the phone's dial face.😂😂😂

My kid can attest that being an intern and having the smallest hands in the OR means you're first in line to deal with stuff like this.

Best in my memory was a regulation size Nerf football. Dude had to go to surgery for retrieval. The path report was a thing of beauty. Not sure why, but the pathologist felt compelled to describe it in detail. Just “Nerf football” wouldn’t do. Oh no, it was (I’m paraphrasing, this was years ago) an ovoid lime green object measuring x cm by x with two concentric black bands measuring x by x, located x cm from each end. The dorsal aspect is characterized by one seam, with x running stitches in black. The ventral surface has no such markings…” The doc went on for over a page, single-spaced. It was epic.

So I’ve worked in the OR for over 30 years, and have seen my fair share retained foreign bodies in a persons rectum and even colon. We once had a guy (they’re ALWAYS guys) come in from a different county while on house arrest from Lincoln county NM to Otero county NM. It was sort of a big to do because the county sheriff from Lincoln had to shut the ankle bracelet off, and escort the patient to our hospital in Otero county. We have this guy under general anesthesia with his legs up in stirrups, and a general surgeon was there elbow deep in this guys colon at about 11:30 on a Friday night. He says “I can feel it, I just can’t my fingers around the base of it because they’re too big and I’ve got lube all over my hand. I keep pushing it further up, and if I can’t get it, we’re going to have to open this guy up.” Meaning we were going to do a full blown laparotomy on this guy to resect his colon to get a proper butt plug out of this guys colon. It was up by his splenic flexure. That would have easily been a two hour procedure; which no one wanted to do in the middle of the night. The circulating nurse just said “Move!” to him, pushed him out of the way and with nothing but an exam glove on, shoved her whole arm up into this guys colon, grabbed the butt plug, and pulled it out like a freaking hero. The thing was massive. It was as wide around the base as 3 wick candle, or a big jar of peanut butter. What’s worse are people that shove things completely up their urethra into their bladder, or people that decide to eat/swallow the entire contents of a deluxe picture hanging kit…. One guy we had in Virginia shoved a .38 caliber bullet the whole way into his bladder and said a friend of his dropped it into a can of coke he was drinking, and we’re all like, it doesn’t work like that, dude.

As an anesthesia provider, I could write a book about this subject.

I was working as a registration clerk back in 1973. Gentleman came in, mumbled something. The lady with him was having trouble keeping a straight face. I had to ask him several times before he finally got out the sentence, 'I've got a vibrator stuck up my ass'. I managed to keep my composure, until I got the answer to, 'How long has it been in there?' To which he said, 'Three days'. And then I asked why he waited so long to come in; His response? ' Well we had to take the bus, so I had to wait until the batteries ran down'. I lost it right there.

Apples; five of them. Bought him a helicopter ride from his little town in the middle of nowhere for emergency surgery. His name was Jack - forever memorialized by the surgical staff at the receiving hospital as Apple Jack 😂😂.

I don’t get why people don’t buy toys that are designed to go up there. A $10 toy from Amazon or another site that is billed, packaged, and sent discreetly is a LOT cheaper than a $20k ER visit and way less mortifying!

I was an orderly in a surgery for a number of years when my children were young teenagers. I supplemented “the talk” with the information Mr. Black just read. And that for pities sake there are hygienic things made for that purpose, if that is your choice. I have forwarded this to them with an “I told you so!” My youngest is now 26.

I work in the O.R. and have seen removals of dozens of items! But one of the surgeons once said and I quote " tie dental floss around it so you can retrieve it if should get lost" my wise guy remark was, how would it get lost,you would think you'd know where it is!? Have no fear if you should go to the O.R. we do know what happened, and all we want to do is get it out so we can finish our lunch!😂

And, all ER staff will deny it, but every Emergency Department has a "butt box" full of the more creative things removed from rectums. It is often bewildering, but always entertaining to see what is in the butt box.

A colleague once told me a story about a guy in the ER who needed an abdominal X-ray for some reason and it was noted that there were several roundish objects in his colon. Turns out he swallowed the heads off Barbie and Ken dolls because he like to watch them pass when he took a dump. I always say that no matter what weird thing you might think of there is someone out there who had an even weirder thought 😂

If you can walk into the ER and calmly announce that there is an object in your ass , this could not be the first time something was up there!

I love this guy! As a nurse for 25 years- I spent most of my career asking just 2 questions. 1- What made you think this was a good idea? 2- You did what?!

I once worked for a periodical promoting Radiological Equipment, and we had received a review copy of a lovely Coffee Table Book of images of Foreign Bodies inside of Humans. Disturbing, to say the least. 🙈

“In the butt, Bob.” Fucking brilliant.

I worked with a guy whose wife was as E.R. nurse and she was working when they brought in a guy with a door knob up his tooter. They actually removed the door and carried him on it like a stretcher. Unfortunately that was before smart phones so no video.

I was sitting next to my ER Nurse wife at this show in Wilkes-Barret, and she was ROLLING at this. She loved every minute!

I just bought 3 silicon egg beaters. While I don't intend on using them strictly for beating, or whipping eggs. I assure you that I have absolutely NO intention of putting any of them up my keister. I'll also add, I've worked in an ER, and did once see the "other end" of one of these situations. One of the triage nurses said that a girl said that she "fell" upon an object whilst running around the pool. Yep folks, Its embarrassing.

"Who even *has* and egg beater?" The real question.

This is the most important PSA of our time; really. ⭐🌈

The guy got the gearshift stuck up there and the sad thing was that he didn't know how to drive stick shift. "NO NO! Clutch THEN shift! Clutch first THEN shift!...You're grinding the gears!."

I love the way Lewis Black just shares his amusement of things with everyone else.

Human beings are Dawinian experiments. It's a matter of scale😂

As an ER nurse, the number one thing I ever heard on the subject was from a 17-year-old boy with a 14-inch phallus-shaped toy in his rectum (confirmed by x-ray). Mom, of course, was very tight-lipped during my assessment, but as I was leaving the room I overheard the boy say, 'I'm sorry mom. I saw it in your drawer and was just curious." All through the encounter that woman never said one word. Not. One. Word. Ah, good times.

It has been forty years since I first discovered a dead gerbil in a patient's rectum. The gentleman in question insisted it must have crawled in there while he was passed out drunk. Over the next twenty five years I was assured on other occasions that gerbils evidently love dark, warm places, but was finally unable to sustain my straight face (pun intended) when a man arrived after somehow ingesting a ferret! Said ferret had not gone quietly, using teeth and claw in an attempt to reach daylight. The patient required extensive surgery, because the poor creature had literally ripped him a new one! Over a quarter century of ER nursing I naturally met thousands of people without foresight or discretion, but that man was unquestionable the least likely to survive without constant supervision. Sadly, patient confidentiality prevented us from reporting him for animal cruelty. The egg beater issue causes me some concern. Was that a standard hand whisk or a Sunbeam electric? If the latter, how long was the cord? Was it variable speed? One thing about working in the ER is that you lose your faith in our ability to survive as a species.

My Aunt Donna worked as an ER nurse and she told the story of a guy that would come into the ER to have a pool ball removed. After the third time, the DR admitted him for a psych eval. The guy had some real issues that went beyond an erotic fascination with billiards.

I was there!! 3/9/24 at the FM Kirby Center in Wilkes Barre PA. Funny as hell. Great night!

Thanks Dr. AJ for sennding that to Lewis Black.

Could not have had a better person to read that ❤

“It was a million-to-one shot, Doc. Million-to-one.”

Fusilli Jerry.....Million to one.....Million to one

Ive seen xrays of an Old Spice bottle...and my favorite..a ceramic egg that the radiologist drew a bunny's face on it😂

If you're going to explore, you gotta use something with a flared base! ~The more you know~

One of the funniest men ever. God Bless ya LB, and Thank u for always being a hilarious voice of sanity and reason 😂👍😂

My brother in law was an x-ray tech, he told me of an accidental insertion of a snowglobe!!

My ER professional friends could do a rant about power tools in the hands of imbeciles.

One for the ages. So polite. So non-judgmental. And totally true!

I live in a 50000 people town. I have been working on ER for about two years, 15 days a month...night shift...and I have NEVER seen someone with something in their anuses. Either my town is very boring or the people here knows wich stuff goes up their butts and wich ones doesnt. LOL

The "Everything, Every Where, All At Once" fight scene...

As a medical coder, every time I see op notes along this line, all I can think is, was it a dare, or are you just that cheap?

Having worked in a prison for five years, i had to escort several inmates to the hospital because they had something stuck up their butt. A few of the more interesting items include a spork, a polish sausage, and a tube of toothpaste. The most amusing of them all had to be a battery-powered beard trimmer that was running when the guy got it stuck up there. It could be heard buzzing away during the trip to the hospital and up until the doctor was able to remove it. He earned the nickname "buzz" when he got back to the prison.

The truth hurts! No, it really, really hurts!

I knew a guy in the Army in '82 who claimed he'd sat on the barrel of his M16.

We had a frequent flyer who would insert spoons .

A hospital near me collects all those objects they take out of people in a box. They also have a code they announce to let coworkers know someone is in ER getting something removed. lol

That Wilkes-Barre show STILL has me laughing. Thanks for an epic night of comedy!! 😂❤😂❤🤣❤

"Well, I was stopped by the cops but I'd left my driver's license at home, so I was trying to swap places with my passenger, and that's how the shift knob wound up where it is, Doc." The only claim 'it was an accident' I could think of that has the slightest possibility of believability, but it only works for someone in a short skirt not wearing panties. If it's a dude, that would just lead to more questions.

We have professional proof!😂

2:09 "Toy Car" lmfao R.I.P Ryan Dunn

Hamster Ice cream scoop Light bulbs are surprisingly common.

Yup, my HS girlfriend's brother was a radiologist. Told he had someone come in with a lightbulb up there.

A light bulb, the incandescent kind - that takes surgery to remove to avoid having it break inside you cause that would be a real mess to clean up; and yes , there’s going to be laughter behind the scene before a team comes to extract it.

I mean… every ER has an Ass Box right?

And I, never look at a chayote squash in the supermarket ever the same after what I saw one time!😳😂😂

An egg beater! 😂

a cucumber is 50 cents and y'all are using eggbeaters and shampoo bottles.....

I sent this to an ER nurse I know and this was the succinct reply: 20 barbie doll heads? The reading radiologist was bit surprised by all the faces in the cat scan!

A friend of mine is an ER nurse. The staff at that hospital had a collection of objects that had to be extracted from anuses, including a Ken doll and a replica hand grenade.

"Million to one shot, doc. Million to one!" - Frank Costanza to Dr Assman

That was the funnies thing. I heard Thanks for the rant.

You just can't make this shit up! ShuWee... Thanks, Lewis, for the giggles and face palm!

As an aging ring-pirate, I think it should be brought to everyone’s attention that even in the bible belt you’re rarely more than a hour’s drive from shops staffed by a crew of caring professionals, who are happy to provide an extensive line of safe quality insertables AND video guides for their usage. So don’t throw the butt baby out with the bath water.

Fell on it, huh? How do you explain the LUBE😮

As an ER nurse, can attest to this

Excellent... just, pure humanity. 😂

I love Lewis Black!!!!!+

I love these rants!!! Lewis is the best!!!

One in a million Doc. One in a million. Ha.

I seen the x-ray of a guy with a whiskey pint bottle um,wedged as as they say. Crazy would. Just ask prison gaurds lol😂

Unless it's Fusilli Jerry. 😆

It's nice to see you looking fit, Lewis. And, yes, the list is true - and very incomplete - from having worked in ER for years...

It can happen and did happen on the Fusilli Jerry (Seinfeld) episode. Fell right on it...

So, we have to be careful what we land on.? Just asking for all my friends.😢

Only Lewis could read this a straight face

HILARIOUS 😂😂😂

Well, that was. . . educational.

I think the “eggbeater” was possibly a whisk?

Gerbils. Thanks Richard Gere...😮

Sick,sick,sick world.😅😅😅

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 My mom was a nurse over 40 years. Boy, does she have stories!! That doc was speaking truth!

Reading on stage...man is a genius

Extra care is needed to remove the light bulb without breaking it.

Armageddon gerbil, people. Funniest news report I've ever heard. At the mention of objects in a butt reminds me of the Armageddon gerbil. Do a search for it and be prepared to laugh yourself sick. 😅😅

We had peanut butter jar in our hosp

Not just the ER laughing!😂😂😂

I heard a radio story while driving decades ago that told the tale of two guys showing up in the ER, one presenting intestinal distress, the other with a broken nose and 2nd degree burns on his face. Apparently a gerbil was in "a tunnel" he couldn't find his way out of. The other guy decided it was a good idea to insert a tube in to said "tunnel" and light the way out for the gerbil with a lighter from his pocket. Upon placing the lighter at the end of the tube, the intestinal gas ignited, launching said gerbil through the tube with enough force to break his nose. I almost crashed I was laughing so hard.

remember to tether your toys..

Love Lewis! Still sharp as a tack!!

This is the first time I've ever heard Lewis telling butt jokes.

Hilarious, thanks again!

I can just imagine red states: Glock, Smith and Wesson, Colt, Luger...🧑‍⚕️🍑👀

I am a physician, and I remember talking to a colleague who trained at the Mayo clinic, and he told the story of a farmer who was having receptive anal intercourse with a bull, and surprise, surprise, he perforated his rectum. They got him all fixed up. The next time he came in with the same thing, he did not survive. Deaths aside, rectal foreign body stories are the best!