Kindness, real kindness, makes me break down. It has been so rare in my life that I have to practise how to handle it. It can be overwhelming.

Family scapegoat here. 3 years no contact! Recovering codependent 🎉

Thank you for sharing this. I have CPTSD. It affects the paradigms of our behavior, and really takes a toll on functionality. It takes constant work, a mindset of forgiveness and humility, and a lot of permission to be your genuine self from within. We are worthy of the journey. Good luck on your healing. I’m with you.

I have CPTSD and I know you know what you are talking about. Your explanation was spot on. TY

Trust is hard! I remember getting angry with my husband early on because he was always doing kind things for me, seemingly with no expectations. It was uncomfortable, I kept waiting for what was behind it, what the cost was going to be. I said, "No one is THAT good!". He actually is. But the kinder he was, the angrier I got. The tension kept building In me. In my mind there just HAD to be "reason", something he wanted. The only thing he wanted was to see me happy. That's it. I look back and see how wounded I was.

I have CPTSD and I’m still under emotional, verbal and physical abuse by my own family of origin. I don’t trust anyone and understand exactly what you mean about being vulnerable to be opened. For myself that will never happen, I’ve been burnt by too many to even want to see the good or waste the time to see if it’s legit anymore. Empathy is a poison when your dealing with any kind of trauma or abuse.

It seems to me that when you're in therapy for an extended period, with symptoms being either over-looked/misdiagnosed or dismissed... said confusion/misinformation/negligence can actually become an 'add-on' trauma. And fuck me: this is a truth which, 35 years after meeting with the first of a string of 12+ 'mental health professionals', leaves me beyond livid and resentful.

It sucks. I battle C-PTSD

Not sure if I've got PTSD or CPTSD but I constantly ruminate about Narcissism and what I have suddenly found I can SEE, took me 5O years to SEE and UNDERSTAND this disorder and suddenly WHAM there it was, like 50 years of information suddenly understood, all the wierdness, all the odd stuff I ignored or couldn't put my finger on.

this is so relatable. i have cptsd and dealt with a similar upbringing and being the fixer/doer for someone elses emotions. thanks for the video.

Thanks for sharing. I've been both sides of this coin. It's like a never-ending cycle of self sabotage and pain. Preventing healthy relationships and situations from forming. Like either being a punching bag and you become ok with that, or subconsciously stirring issues and self sabotaging so someone else feels your pain. Only coming to terms with all of this after years of denial. Thanks again. Love and light. Kia Kaha (stand strong).

Very good video. I have cPTSD and I got something out of this. The whole problem with trust and the reaction of the manipulators when one finally says "No contact".

recently diagonosed as CPTSD, i feel you when you said on the way drive home, the kindness you received you bring you tears... It's hard to trust the world and people out there sometimes...

Thank you for this. 🙏 These things need to be talked about. (I had experience of a person overgiving as a way of control. It's not giving or loving at all, only high level of control. But people not encountering something like that in their life wouldn't believe it's not a loving behavior.) Thanks again.

Thank you, wishing you all the best. We deserve to live a happy, peaceful life.

Thank you. Healing. Love as a weapon cuts deep from your own family. One day at a time.

It’s great to have man talking about CPTSD. I’m actually in a good state today thanks to the right diagnosis, knowledge, practices and a long stable relationship and a job. which is a good way to get the long lost trust back. Yes, Still have a major breakdown once a year or so but it’s much better.

I've started to learn why I try so hard to stay friends with shitty people, why I work so hard to make them happy when they do not return the favor, why I am always scanning for someone who could attack me in restaurants/cafes, why I shake uncontrollably before a fight even though I don't feel scared, why I'm so afraid of being alone.

I have so much to say, so it feels like I can’t say anything at all. Thanks for sharing, imparting xxx 💕

Sincerely proud of you. Thank you for sharing. Be prepared to cope with this for awhile. I'm sorry for sounding negative. I just want you to know. Peace be with you

Just found your channel ☺️ I'm learning a lot from you and the Crappy Childhood Fairy here on KZfaq 💗 Thank you for speaking about this and making us feel less alone

Back at you. 🤩

I have CPTSD. Thank you for sharing. Yours is the first video that I have ever come across even addressing CPTSD. Spent many years being treated for depression that I do not have.

Yay I’m the 1,000th ‘like’. ☺️ Thank you for doing such a great job speaking on CPTSD! I share the diagnosis and it helps to know I’m not alone in my struggles. 💜

5 1/2 years of head therapy plus 25+ years of life practice have brought me to a place of calm, to a place of putting myself first...taking care of myself has been a long learning process. I made a decision to totally remove my sexually abusive older brother from my life! I hated those years of CPTSD head therapy!!! Here I am, all these years later...realizing that I've come through to "the other side." Yes, good and bad days are experienced...but good now outnumbers bad. YES! All that headwork is finally bringing life results...and this feels good. I can sit in silence for the first time in my life...looping messages or songs no longer constantly fill my head. Thank you for taking the time to post this video...much appreciated!!

I was diagnosed with CPTSD about 7 years ago. It helped finding out what was wrong .Thankfully I had a great therapist. I just wish I would have found out yrs.earlier. My life would have been so much easier. I'm 70 now and stay isolated from everyone. I love my animals and I do enjoy my life. Finding out so late in life kinda makes it impossible to do much healing. Atleast I know and I'm aware of most of the side effects of CPTSD. I work on my anger when I know I have to go food shopping and other necessary things. Ok, hope everyone is doing well and dealing with. ❤

You have explained all of the above beautifully .As someone who has a history of childhood trauma and narcissistic abuse myself.Iv only really discovered and started to learn my own self awareness of this too So it's great to hear something relatable .

Thanks for the video - this really resonates with me as 'Kindness' was also used as a weapon for abuse. I wish you all the best on your journey

I get it. I was diagnosed multiple times with c-ptsd and I forgot the majority of my life when I enrolled in college with no emo support.

I'm not writing this for likes and comments , but to all my scapegoat brothers and sisters , your struggles are understood and while the road to recovery can be long and arduous , I like you to know you are loved and you are worthy and better times are a Matter of inevitably , but that comes when you are good and ready to let go , especially family scapegoats you have to grieve for the family that you never really had .

Thank you so much for your sincere sharing. It helps me a lot. Normalises things as I can see a similar way I am.

It’s an injury! Loved hearing your insights. Beautiful scene you’re in there, my senses adore.

Wow, I had a similar deal... I was misdiagnosed over and over. I figured out it was trauma and went no contact. It's a hell of a journey! Good days are awesome, not so good days are pretty damn dark. I like to think we can transcend this, all of it.

Black sheep of the family. I haven’t talked to my narcissistic mom for close to a year now. She moved to another state the week I gave birth and didn’t even try to see me until the day before she moved. I cry almost daily bc life with kids is so hard with CPTSD. There are so many loud sounds, everyone is demanding more of my time, I never eat a hot meal and I feel like sometimes I’m going to implode from rage. When I stop to think what is wrong with me it’s always the same thing--I feel inadequate as a mom bc my nervous system is so messed up from growing up with a sadistic mother who would hit me and my sister so badly I had to wear long sleeves to school bc I had welts on my arms from being hit with whatever was laying around. The worse part is that I thought I had surpassed my trauma and then I married another Narcissist. But I’m proud that almost 10 years later I’m in a new relationship with my children’s father and I guess I just have to re-parent myself now that I’m a mother myself.

Man, I know how you feel. Absolutely. I wish I was comfortable enough to be on camera like you are. It would have made making my stuff so much faster and easier. But anyway, good video.

A few months ago my therapist so kindly said did I make u sad? I burst out crying and said no but it's so kind that u care

Makes sense. We always new the difference. Nice to know others will now. Lumping continuing childhood trauma with adult ptsd just complicated things for all of us.

Thanks for taking the time to talk about this. More awareness about trauma always helps.

Hope u r getting the help u need.

Your sense of understanding is what you call insight. Having insight into your own personal problems as well as that of others is a gift from the learning experience in life. It comes from meditation or having deep thoughts on what you experienced and what you have read or gained information from other sources of the human condition. As a child my mom would say live and learn. As an elderly adult, I've never stopped learning, because no matter what life throws at me, I know it's a learning experience.

I find that saying I have CPTSD causes people to assume I'm trying to be better or more damaged than those with PTSD so I dont say it at all. PTSD has become so dismissed through people saying they have it but don't. Feels very misunderstood.

Thank you for sharing. I'm 60 and feeling low. I have complicated grief probably CPTSD. This abuse is so subtle that we don't understand the level of damage over one's whole life. Mental and physical. It's horror and then it's horror when you realize they don't think they did anything wrong. Even when they say they're sorry. I wonder. You can't heal where you were hurt. Generational trauma.

developed CPTSD from being repeatedly attacked by a cyberstalker, hacker in Ottawa, David Cavlovic. A major part of my healing involves reading my victim impact statement in the courthouse for the judge to hear

Comforting to find this video. I have also had similar experiences with feeling genuine kindness.

From the time I was younger than 13, I've had heartbreaking, traumatic losses and events... CPTSD... The thought of going back through all of that with emdr is frightening.. but living a life of.. whatever my life is now is also frightening... I am having a rough time right now and I'm thankful I have my little dogs that run to me when they hear me sob. Sending all my brothers and sisters hope for healing and understanding. Listening to him is so right on it makes my head spin and feel light.

Thanks for sharing i think the sharing content of the cpdsd vs sudjectivly is more of an intimate thing and perhaps is loaded with triggers. But to think about it you are in a safe place with other ppl suffering thats what brought us here. Lets grow in strength as a community. Thanks again.

thank you.

I have just about almost everything you can think of. From childhood to adulthood. I am with Panic disorder, GAD, SAD, BPD, co dependency, hypervigilance in open spaces, disassociation, Trichotalomania (a hair pulling neuroses) & mild OCD. I've even been diagnosed with oppression. I am a DSM5 stereotype nightmare, along with things not fully recognised like Narc Survivor. I am Trans with much past and present trauma. More recently though I just feel hunted. I am now no contact with the planet.... I have a comfortable home and comfortable bed. I produce synth music. I recently had my music released in January 2023. I am 57 . I can't wait to leave. I hope I never come back here either.

Hi, This was suggested by KZfaq. Interesting. I’m Aussie too, and diagnosed last year. I told my Mother that she is no longer my Mother in ‘22.

What a fantastic video! Thank you

Thank you for being candid about your experince> It really helps

Hi. I've persistent deprive disorder plus cptsd and codependency with ocd. I've been in therapy 6 years. Things are better now but it's a circle. I live in a country where psychotherapy is still a tabu. Your eyes,your voice and your laughing reminded me of myself. The deep wound, the pain. I can tell from people's eyes and tone of voice if they felt the same pain as me. Somehow I'm sorry to find people with the same pain as i know how devastating it is. But it makes me feel not alone and not crazy as I'm not the only one to have gone through hell and survived it. The sad part is that the people who should have loved us the most were the one who brought us there and the are even not aware of it.

I feel sometimes feel awkward when someone shows kindness to me. I don't think I deserve it. All of the abuse I received did have some positive outcomes. I am aware when someone is hurting. I will soon be listening to their pain. All I have to do is look at them and I know.

I’m hearing you brother! Thanks for this video. I suffer exactly the same with C PTSD. It’s great to get clarity.

Thanks for the video. God bless you

It took a long time for me to even understand my childhood was dysfunctional, I still feel like I’m not even worthy of life

Thank you for making this video. As someone who lives with CPTSD and a whole lot of other ailments; I do find it difficult to talk to people about what life is like. I too have created a platform where I share how I navigate life and do not record everything because 1. overwhelming having to constantly talk about it and 2. I don't see it as being important (although I have a platform lol). I think you get what I'm saying haha. - A new subscriber

✊ I'm with you brother

I was born with ADHD, so I’m already hypersensitive, but having a difficult family life as a kid (mostly mental, some sexual, and more rarely some physical abuse) I definitely have CPTSD. Its been a largely impossible task trying to get help for myself. As such, it has ruined friendships, occupations, and opportunities I had with my art. The recent past months have been by far some of the hardest of my entire life.

Yup , was married to a narc….for 30 years, I was perfect then suddenly when he no longer needed me, he abandoned me. Consequently, I suffer from CPSTD

I have been diagnosed with cptsd. It seems to be a life sentence. Each day I have to ground myself. Today is a particularly bad day 😕

relatable, relieving in some sense to hear. Good luck on your journey, and to anyone else reading this!

Sharing on something very similar yesterday. The affects of 'love as a weaspon'. Would be good to hear what you do to regulate yourself in the face of genuine kindness? My recovery is bringing up the importance of rupture and repair and restoring trust. I'm living with the strongest boundary from my family origin since my last cptsd episode/it highlighted that at vulnerable times this is not safe engagement for me. Thanks for your post. Glad we're talking and sharing about this.

I was sex trafficked online exploited by my mother from 13-20. She was a narcissist and psychologically and verbally abused me. I have recovering memories of being molested by her in my sleep. My dad psychologically abused me as well and my brother molested me twice when I was a teen going through puberty becoming a woman. I was the scapegoat of my family and now since I have a mother wound I attract crazy women from the pits of hell. Living with CPTSD is so difficult normal people don't realize how privileged they are. Then they judge you for not having family acting as of you're the one who was crazy. Law enforcement defended my parents as well . This has made me isolate myself because all people do is abuse me. Even my own uncle looked at my breast over dinner and he has daughters .

I don’t think I have CPTSD but I definitely had an extremely emotionally unstable, narcissistic, toxic, angry parent and I can empathise with how profoundly and infinitely demoralising it can feel to have something that’s impossible to deal with, with no way out, and no way to help. It brings up a lot of that angry, intensely demoralising, dysphoric feeling just thinking about it, and how it’s ruined my life. I’ve been diagnosed with schizoid PD and Asperger’s but I think trauma has a lot to do with how I am now too. Glad to see you seem to be doing okay, at least.

That explains a lot

The organization who puts out the DMS book only recognizes PTSD even though there is significant evidence that CPTSD is it's own diagnosis and many people, like ourselves, would benefit from a separate classification. Two really important books on the subject- The body keeps score by Bessel Von Der Kolk M.D., this is THE book on the subject. It's a dry long read but packed with great information about the symptoms, causes, and remedies. CPTSD: Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker. A Trauma therapist with lived experience, this book is a great daily guide/reference. Best to go through the table of contents and pick out what you need to know. Then apply it to your daily situation. I was diagnosed in 2016, went through a year of CBT and became a Mental Health Peer before the Pandemic. The road of recovery is a life time journey, it gets better but you have to take the first step and get Professional help from a Trauma therapist.

... now words. No explanation..I get it

I've heard that PTSD is permanent, since it's a Disorder. And disorders by definition are permanent. But CPTSD, with treatment, can get better. And I've heard one person say it should be called CPTSR, the R standing for Response. We have a normal response to horrible abnormal circumstances

Hello, I would personally like to not only thank you for what you said in your KZfaq on Living with CPTSD - Intuitive Chat, but on a personal note, having gone through (and like you over the years having been given multiple diagnosis) as well as being a therapist myself, knowing that things just don’t fit with the diagnosis given, now at age 60, and finally having not only having worked with an awesome psychologist for many years, (with her continued encouragement) to helping me see how insightful I have always been into my own inner self, that in fact as you stated so eloquently, that yes, I agree with you 100 percent! So in my own words, it was though years of self exploration and (still a journey) I had to find that it is the seriousness of being able to go into the depths of my soul, spirt, and heart, while applying knowledge, keeping an open, honest mind, and using a very painful look (lets call it both introspection and critical thinking of oneself) through research, writing, listening to others, objectivity, and learning to finally have the courage (as you stated) to step away and realized I too, have been the one to since childhood, take care of everyone. So much so that I basically gave up my true gifts and talents, my dreams, and abilities, (no regrets going into the career of helping others in need) but now to the point where my health is so damaged, that there are days I can hardly manage on my own. My once resilient, strong, and independent self, a business owner of one company, co-owner of another, author, international public speaker, volunteer, advocate for both those with disabilities, and the less fortunate, today, I am left wondering if I will be able to survive another year. But you Dion, have not only share our careers very much in common, but also share other interesting things, (we are also both INFJ’s) having worked in corporate HR many years ago, and then later starting my own business (as mentioned above) had to depart that field for reasons you brought up in your KZfaq, lets just say it has to do with being taken advantage of, and putting in too much work, then another crushing blow. However, that was so many years ago. Bottom line, all of this very long comment about me, is really meant as a compliment to you, I guess to demonstrate to you, how you from another country, to you having literally just jumped out on my feed on KZfaq, I was very moved, and I wanted you to know, that honestly, and I guess maybe to my recollection, you would be maybe one of 5 KZfaqrs, that I have written a personal comment too, (at least this personal). So to a colleague of past suffering who I must say, I could see it in your eyes, and I have written and am about to publish another book, this time a book of Poetry/Prose, one of the Poems defines what I have always seen in those (others like you and I) it is not what is described as you state (I could only wish that I had PTSD) but you are accurate, because those of us who do have cPTSD, really understand this, and what we have, if we get to speak via virtual, of after by book is released either way, I will make sure you are told (I hope prior) about the defined look we all have in our eyes, (it is not all the time) but when you did this KZfaq, and I glanced at a couple others before writing this, but this one, it was very difficult for you, very personal. Keep it up Dion, I can say for sure, you are not only helping others, you for sure today, gave me another reason not to give up today. Thank you, and I will reach out via your website. Sincerely, Veronica Lieb Crawford

Thank you

Thanks for this

What helps is listening to your gut, heart and head and removing yourself from a bad situation which is hard sometimes because you can freeze, or have brain fog like this can’t be happening again.

I grew up with a family of alcoholics and a evil sister who, after returning home from having a brain tumor removed at 6-7yrs old, tuned into a psycho. We think that she had lost something in her brain and that all the attention she had got from it all messed her up. When she got home, she basically would like torture me and get me to do really dangerous shit. Then, when I was 4 I had an accident and got a ice fishing hook in my eye. Multiple surgeries and the new Lasik eye surgery that caused the lense to pop out of my eyeball so more surgery and pain and struggle. But when I finally got back home, my sister apparently felt super jealous cuz I was getting attention or something so she tortured me basically for the rest of my life until I was big enough to defend myself. This is just a fraction of the kind of shit I've dealt with my whole life. I ended up with another narc cult family for 6 yrs and that shit destroyed what was left of me. My life was like a perfect storm. It created a fractured person, that's for sure. These days, I stay alive because my sister now has a 13yr old girl and 15 yr boy and if I weren't around, I can't imagine how those kids would grow up without me. I do wish I could do something about my sisters narcissism but you know how they are. I'm a bit of a dark empath so I do try to pursuade her subconscious when I can.

Yes, through references the insight of how bad childhood was. Being treated with kindness now makes me want to cry as well as the fear of what is going to happen now, the blow is expected in some way. But awareness of it makes it easier.

I started working on my stuff once I was out of my childhood home- I swear the onion metaphor both versions from Shrek applies. For a while the things I worked on were like triage getting the worst and most obviously destructive reactions and behaviors under control. (You cannot live in a dorm with strangers and expect them to understand you shaking and crying when two of them are arguing just around you not including you.) Because one of my parents worked closely with Veterans and 2 of my parents had the traditional combat PTSD I was familiar with that version and what to do when those with PTSD had an episode so I started to identify as having PTSD and worked on myself for almost 2 decades alone. But I made progress and part of that progress was being able to reach out for help which I finally did when alone wasn't enough around 35. It was awkward going through DBT for BPD because so much of the experiences being described by people with BPD don't resonate with me. But because I didn't get the chance to learn emotions in a safe place the DBT program itself helped me since it went to basics of emotions what they are, how to handle them, and all that. I got a lot of value out of that even with a 5 year break after funding ran out. I recently got back into therapy and have a wonderful talk therapist who was willing to listen when I said that I have trouble fitting BPD into my narrative of self since so many of my reactions are "not unheard of but not the normal" but the reading and information I'd been finding on cPTSD fit me almost perfectly. Sure I didn't have all the ticks on the checklist but I did have a passing grade after going through them. I don't have to twist my brain to figure out how it fit me. I know the therapy is hit and miss but there are people out there and they can help. I did a lot of mine on my own but then again the first thing I did when given the chance to learn about psychology was learn about abuse patterns and families well right after teenage amateur analysis of my primary abuse and trying to figure out why she hated me so bad and everything about me was "not right" if not out right 'wrong".

APD, OCD, CPTSD, highly neurotic, chronic ruminator - life is great!!!

Sertraline has helped somewhat with my symptoms..I am able to leave home with my dogs more than I ever have

I can totally relate.

🦋😊for the algo

I'm left with C-PTSD & Adrenal Failure CFS plus more. From a Criminal Father, Narcissistic abuse for 20 years then he got murdered & I had to take on his role but try to clean up the mess, be the good guy but take the hits, luckily I'm not Narcissistic, its been hard fighting my Fathers wars for 25 years. I am physically destroyed, never mentally although honestly weakening into self medicating due to physical and emotional pain. The wars are now over & I'm a wasted as a human being, the reasons I was here are long gone with time, creativity & helping others. I need help and it's very hard to find. Although I know there are many other people suffering similar outcomes, we need to teach the people that put us in this pain what they have done, TEACH THE OUTCOME OF TRAUMA TO ALL PARENTS & ADULTS - THE INFLICTORS. This is becoming an epidemic globally due to materialistic greed and need for power from weak people with no kindness or souls. If I can help anyone I will. Never give up mentally, that is your strength.

I was beaten up as a baby. At 55 I started to get over it...(Pete Walker's book) Now at 59 I have leukaemia, which is actually better...

So many labels. I’m terrified of yet another “Therapist” that cannot understand or actually believe me. I actually had a therapist tell me that I was “Making it up” How do you deal with a professional who can’t stomach or believe your truth? I’m so over it now. I want a therapist who actually has been through some Shiz… not a “Got the license to practice “ type of therapist. I’m sorry if I come off as rude, but I’m just wondering where to go from here.

Qi Gong I swear by for CPSD. 2:15 sounds like neurogenic tremors too. Can you please explain more about the epilepsy theory? Never heard of this before.

🌻

🙏

Yep got it wish I knew this 30 years ago. there's another channel that is helpful not to steal this man's thunder it's called crappy childhood fairy....everything your saying is 100 accurate

Meditation, become enlightened and you never suffer from it again.

My Dad scapegoated me, my Mum treated me like a golden child, until she turned on me. Both scapegoating and treating a kid like a golden child is abuse- its not good for the child and is all about the phucked up mind of the parent (s)

Where in aus are you?

EMDR worked for me!

Haha.. it's almost too much for me to try to think about how fucked my life was right from the start, and even though I've over came so much, It never seems to end. Eventually..we as people do wear out and dissociation and cognitive dissonance is a normal way of life.

KNOw your story, in treatment for CPTSD 🙃 ongoing lifestory

There's medication for CPTSD?

Can we agree to stop using "Big T" and "little t" as labels for trauma? It is not an accurate or useful distinction.

I hate life a lot. I will sh I was never brought in to this world.

We also have cptsd. My therapist says it may not go away. Years of systematic abuse, has taken their toll. Was finally released from outpatient therapy, 4 weeks ago. We feel much better now.