This vlog documents me learning to trust this documentation process.
I was really down on myself about this process for about 2 weeks.
I shot this footage on March 1st-March 3rd. It’s March 16th as a I write this. In the 13 days since, I mostly lost my mind.
I published my first vlog in 6 or 7 years on March 5th. they “didn’t do well” and I freaked out lol. I got stressed about money. I felt deep embarrassment that I opened myself up to being seen and nobody seems to care.
I did get ONE 12 year old kid who commented “errmmm what the frick?” on vlog 1 lol (I turned off comments the next day, I am much too fragile to get roasted by a middle schooler when I am trying to step into my life’s purpose.)
I am very grateful for him now because he triggered the crap out of me with 4 words.
That’s the sign I have a creative block.
I got to explore this block and realized that I have a deep seated desire for validation and acceptance from my childhood. There is a 5-7 year old part of me that LOVES being seen and celebrated for my art-to the point where I feel I need validation for my art to be good enough.
I did try my hardest to run away. Unfortunately, my journal system makes it impossible for me to lie to myself.
The reason why I came back to edit this is because I felt pulled to. I spent nearly 2 weeks trying to ignore publishing the vlog, and instead, navigate my life through my mind. I created short form content and lost my mind in my Notion journal mostly. It was a roller coaster for me, I hit -5 to -10 on the vibrational scale basically every day.
When I came back to edit this video I realized that this process is extremely powerful for my own evolution. I am seeing that when I take aligned actions on the guidance that I receive, I feel AMAZING. When I disconnect from this creative process, it feels like I am ripping something important out of me.
I notice that at the beginning of the vlog I said something like “the more I trust it, the more I discover tools to support me” or something to that effect. When I watch this, the manifestations are starting to become more obvious. As of March 16th, the manifestations are becoming even more obvious than those in this vlog. You will see what I mean.
I feel a deep call to this process. I have tried to refuse the call. I have tried to refuse the call for over 6 years. Technology is now to the point to where I can have some assistance with the editing using Descript.
Parts work is really helping me here. Shadow work. Unblocking. Energy work. These tools are opening me back up creatively and reducing the fear of rejection. It’s wild. The power of deep subconscious work is completely new to me. The past few weeks have made me an evangelist, you will see me talking about this a lot.
Okay. On to the next one.