How to Fix an Anxious-Avoidant Relationship

How to Fix an Anxious-Avoidant Relationship - A Man's Guide

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Күн бұрын

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Got a LOT of requests for this one! Relationships between anxious attachment and avoidant attachment folks are actually quite common. They can also be extremely tough. Listen in for what they're like, why the patterns are hard to break, and how to move towards a secure, grounded partnership.
(00:00:00) - Intro, what characterizes the anxious-avoidant dance, and why there’s no “villain”
(00:04:08) - Why that dance is so strong
(00:08:31) - Examples of the anxious-avoidant dynamic
(00:13:13) - Can anxious-avoidant relationships actually work, how to know if it won’t, and how to END the dance
(00:17:21) - The “protest and punishment” behaviors, and how to self-identify if you’re the anxious partner
(00:22:00) - How to self-identify if you’re the avoidant one
(00:27:54) - So what do you to? Tips for the anxious
(00:34:02) - Tips for the avoidant
(00:39:24) - What to do together
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Пікірлер: 301

@isayafiola8853 Ай бұрын

Anxious and avoidant styles are like the rabbit and turtle story. Anxious people are furiously looking for solutions on the internet like obssessed maniacs while avoidants are in their turtle shells letting their relationships collapse around them too afraid to expose themselves 😭

@queenprotein 29 күн бұрын

Perfectly said

@vanessacarlos8582 24 күн бұрын

great analogy!

@nathanwavichian2354 24 күн бұрын

So true !

@iamindiachanae 17 күн бұрын

👏🏽👏🏽

@joannemonique9039 12 күн бұрын

😅😅😅 I can agree

@denisecatlett7203 Ай бұрын

When the Anxious person never gets what they are looking for they become an Anxious avoidant. This dynamic is so painful and can go on for decades.

@bdtrap 4 күн бұрын

This happened to me over a number of years. I only recently (within the last month) spent time with a mirror and realized what has happened. The catalyst for my self analysys was my avoidant partner being now confused that I am "matching" her avoidant style. Surely, neither she nor I are healthy at this point.

@tatyt1663 2 күн бұрын

Wow, just recognised myself 😮

@CryptoTaurusMoon Ай бұрын

An avoidant can make the most secure person feel anxious with the pulling away, flaw finding, secrecy, and withholding of intimacy. In a normal relationship, these types of behaviors are borderline abusive. The way an avoidant is in the beginning, compared to the way they are in the end, is schizophrenic. There's a reason there are so many negative comments about avoidants.

@hspinnovators5516 Ай бұрын

Their brain chemistry issues help to depersonalize it

@surgeonvicryl4872 Ай бұрын

most of them suffer from mental problem, best the couple seek prof help together.

@t4d7 Ай бұрын

If you called my schizophrenic I would avoid you too 😂

@brookethomas468 Ай бұрын

@@t4d7Ofc you would but ngl it does look kinda crazy and unrealistic on the outside. The idea of having a relationship but avoiding what comes with having a relationship makes no sense. Wanting so much space you never speak or not allowing someone you might or are spending the rest of your life with not get to know you is wild

@ForbiddenMixtapes Ай бұрын

The thing people don't get is they think avoidance means numbness, like they're being cold calculated and cruel. They're not, they hurt just as much if not more, it's just very repressed, it's like pulling your hand back from a hot burner -- automatic self preservation. It needs to be addressed, but certain reactions by anxious types only exacerbate it

@DawnMercer-zf1rw Ай бұрын

Ironically if I shared this video or tried to watch with them, it would be a bid for connection and be avoided and taken as an attack

@chris51385 Ай бұрын

True

@SunshineAndSnowflakes 28 күн бұрын

Of course they would. How would you feel if your partner showed you videos about your anxious attachment and all of the unhealthy things that come with it? I wish people would stop dating people they're not emotionally compatible with because all that happens is you end up unfulfilled and also try fixing someone who is not looking to be fixed. We should accept our partners for who they are or not stay.

@DawnMercer-zf1rw 28 күн бұрын

@@SunshineAndSnowflakes I do watch them, I try to fix myself, I also tried to get them to move out but funnily enough, they buried their head in the sand and still haven't moved out a year later

@leaaugusta9924 19 күн бұрын

@@SunshineAndSnowflakesDid you miss the part about them being strongly attracted to each other?

@leaaugusta9924 19 күн бұрын

I'm laughing and crying at the same time because it's so true!

@mozhy5013 Ай бұрын

No, an avoidant never tells you that "I am gonna have my own time", they just simply disappear and when they come back just give bunch of craps as a excuses

@sarajanetinker2046 7 күн бұрын

Yes! Avoidants communicate with Behaviors, Not words!!

@salemhighschoolvolleyball957 16 сағат бұрын

Yes... and asking them for communication about if they are going to take space is just an invasion of their autonomy.

@Burnerbaby 2 ай бұрын

I’m going to use this as an aid to begin the repair process in my marriage. My wife is an anxious attachment type and I am very much avoidant but more self aware and willing to communicate than many it would seem. I probably owe that to more than half a decade of therapy. I know my avoidance and inability to emotionally regulate stems from childhood neglect and as much as I love space, solitude, and freedom, I love my wife more. I see a lot of avoidants who have really hurt their partners in the comments and while I’ve hurt my wife in many ways, I have not gone as far as a lot of folks and would like to avoid that. Thank you for this. It will be a useful tool.

@IvonaFlakus 2 ай бұрын

So beautiful, this made me teary eyed 🥹🙏 It’s all about the fight to be better ♥️🫶🏼

@chimichurri2612 Ай бұрын

you would like to avoid? 😮😮😅

@chimichurri2612 Ай бұрын

@@IvonaFlakus😢😢 sad woman

@alice-hp7dh Ай бұрын

Can I ask you something? Do you live with her? Do you felt in love? Do you give her some verbal appreciation? Because I have a situationship with a man who said to me that he likes me but don't want to be official, that he wasn't in love ( but he also said he never was with anyone), that I'm not enough feminine for him and we have two work life incompatibles. But he still reach me after 4 years of push and pull, especially for sex. Maybe he Is an avoidant narcissist 😞

@sarahkercheval8964 Ай бұрын

Good for you for going to therapy and taking it seriously. But how the heck did your wife get you to start therapy?????? 🤔 so many avoidant men have shame or something around therapy and they refuse to even talk about it 😢

@V-effect 2 ай бұрын

A few months back, I discovered I have an anxious attachment when I ended up catching feelings for a avoidant attached person. It was absolute hell on earth, especially when she rejected me after expressing my feelings to her and she ended up dating a toxic person a month later. But I discovered that this all happened because of unhealed trauma from my childhood, resulting me to be attracted to emotionally unavailable people.

@dawnstonerock4253 2 ай бұрын

I pray you continue on your own journey of healing. You deserve better. Much love from Texas ❤

@V-effect 2 ай бұрын

@@dawnstonerock4253 Thank you so much! This really means a lot since I have no support group while on this healing journey. There are times where it's really difficult. It just hurts so much, especially since I really cared about her. Yet she just completely ignores me and runs away from me when I run up to her every now and then. My heart drops every time she does this. But I'm just focusing on myself and moving on.

@V-effect 2 ай бұрын

@@dawnstonerock4253Thank you so much! This really means a lot, especially since I have no support group while on my healing journey. It can be very difficult at times going through this alone. It just really hurts so much sometimes because I really cared about her. Now, she avoids and ignores me and even runs away when we encounter each other in public. My heart drops every time she does this. But I'm currently just focusing on myself and learning to move on and just learn and grow from the experience.

@Cre8Fire34 2 ай бұрын

While it may not be a "moral thing" - some of the gaslighting, cruelty, dishonesty, flaw- finding, stonewalling - is immoral, and often cruel.

@skaziblu 2 ай бұрын

there is gaslighting in the form of invalidation of someone elses perspective which most people view as "gaslighting". or theres actual gaslighting like "that never happened". im not a psychologist but based off what ive been read/told there is a distinct difference, and a lot of people are getting them crossed. these things are morally flawed absolutely, but if we even research what happens when we build resentment.. these traits will come out in someone regardless and thats why most divorces aren't exactly amicable.

@kognitivescientist Ай бұрын

@@skazibluthere should be respectful disagreement while keeping in place another person’s right to have another position/opinion. Devaluing, minimizing, calling stupid etc - just another narcissistic/manipulative methods Together with gaslighting, they usually go together. Gaslighting = any type of denying the reality (not only factual, but also emotional, - all feelings, thoughts, everything about another person’s world. That’s why it’s very narrow to understand it only as denying facts of material reality . Inner reality matters as much.

@hspinnovators5516 Ай бұрын

Yes many are not ethical

@Giannina-LoveThemAll Ай бұрын

Exactly what I was thinking. Stone-walling is cruel.

@ninjycoon Ай бұрын

@@skaziblu Originally, gaslighting was specifically convincing someone not to trust their own perception of reality. Nowadays people use it to mean any form of invalidation of their perspective. It's gotten so bad you can't even personally disagree with someone's perspective without being accused of gaslighting.

@kognitivescientist Ай бұрын

Criticizing and flaw-seeking is a no-no with a person who already has a low self-esteem.

@mgn1621 15 күн бұрын

Flaw finding occurs I believe when the avoidant starts to feel close and vulnerable. So it pushes the other person away

@chris51385 Ай бұрын

I can say this though: if you know your self to be the type of person who is objectively a catch, you know your worth and you can say with certainty you penetrated their armor and truly saw them, they cannot forget you if they tried. If you showed them true and healthy love, that registers for them and they will not forget. But the realness of it scared them levels deeper so it’s going to take longer. That’s been my experience.

@DahliaDance Ай бұрын

🙌🏼❤️‍🔥FACTS❤️‍🔥💯

@toothlessdragon644 2 ай бұрын

I have an anxious attachment and my BF is avoidant. I’ve been searching because I don’t think my BF is a monster. I understand we both have issues. This has been by far the best video on these two attachment styles. Keep up the good work and keep those videos coming.😊

@4AmazingMusic Ай бұрын

You don't wanna be married to avoidant and with kids. Believe me. There's never enough self-sufficiency, you end up so soulmurderous lonely.

@SunshineAndSnowflakes 28 күн бұрын

@@4AmazingMusic it depends on the avoidant person and your level of needs. I predominantly date avoidant men and have had good experiences. Mine still chases me after 4 years of dating. Very loving and giving. It took about a year for him to let his walls down, but he did. Neither of us believe in marriage but we are monogamous.

@gayleneflower398 2 ай бұрын

If an avoidant can’t work with you, then you should not proceed with the relationship.

@LorenaBerrenbaum 2 ай бұрын

Correct, he's lazy and doesn't want to do the work, everything is seems hard for him. Never again

@skaziblu 2 ай бұрын

@@LorenaBerrenbaum the irony is, the more you pressure him to do the work since hes an avoidant he is way less likely to do it. my favorite saying ive found so far is "give them the space to change" or 'you cant change someone, but you can effect change in them by your behavior. its mind blowing how much the way we are interacting or being around someone effects them. hence why your S.O. will appear to be a different person outside of your relationship in some cases.

@sallyjrwjrw6766 2 ай бұрын

If an anxious can't work with you, then you should not proceed with the relationship.

@skaziblu 2 ай бұрын

@@sallyjrwjrw6766there's a difference between cant and not aware enough to.

@sallyjrwjrw6766 2 ай бұрын

@@skaziblu I feel like that works for either attachment style.

@sjdominguez1 2 ай бұрын

Meditation for the anxiety that drives the anxious behaviors is very beneficial ❤ It helps to figure yourself out too. 😊

@chadshowdown9382 7 күн бұрын

Can you talk about what kinda meditation you do?

@tahjscott429 4 күн бұрын

I wish I found this video some months ago. My partner kept on expressing the need for space and time to heal and grow without being tied to anyone or anything, and it felt like abandonment. We would still speak like everything was normal, and so it caused confusion. It's only now that we're broken up I'm starting to realize maybe what she needed at the time was more space and time for herself without feeling responsible for me all the time. I don't know what the future holds for us since we're broken up now, but I will focus on trying to heal myself and become a better person. Thanks for the video.

@tatianawoellner6620 16 күн бұрын

Also the anxious is willing to do the work. But the avoidant is not. Very frustrating 😢

@ophwin6680 Ай бұрын

I am disappointed that the qualifiers around anxious is more judgemental when describing punishing behaviors of avoidants. What about the simple interpretation that anxious have some awareness that they realize they have tried to reconnect so much, and feel spent and ignored, that they just see they fueling their own cycle when nobody in front is talking, so they just withdraw to fill their own well since the other person is not showing up to the bid for connection. If anxious has to respect need for space of avoidants, that's the reciprocal?

@peggyvanhalablackwell546 29 күн бұрын

Exactly

@JoeSharp1 2 ай бұрын

As a man who’s worked through a huge amount anxious attachment patterns. There’s a bunch of disregulated and low self worth male behaviours that you’ve lumped into avoidant identification which are present in both attachment styles. Hypo/hyper aesthetic judgement etc. This could be confusing for people. Also the underlying thing both partners/attachment styles want is simply a sense of safety. The reason we’re attracted to the other is not because we necessarily value their qualities, but because they have the capability to trigger us into deeper healing and a greater connection to self. This is the subconscious wisdom which attachment styles offer us and is a gift if we choose to view it as such. The qualities we actually want are usually exhibited by securely attached individuals and yet we’re not drawn to those individuals because they can’t give us what we truly want which is a greater unfolding of self, to the deepest realization that we already are love, and so anything that we project onto another is an illusion until we remember that within ourselves.

@rayawake 2 ай бұрын

why in your opinion or based on your research can secure attached styles not offer the insecurely attached the opportunity of unfolding of self into the realization that we are already all love? seems counter intuitive as it seems the securely attached would be able to offer that better

@rayawake 2 ай бұрын

does the really insecurely attached really trigger us into deeper healing and connection?

@sallyjrwjrw6766 2 ай бұрын

@rayawake secure attached people can help insecure attached people. The problem is that anxious and avoidant have massive chemistry with each other. That chemistry they feel is their inner self looking to heal.

@anneliesewright662 Ай бұрын

I disagree. The only time i'm anxious is when i'm with an avoidant because they're rude, selfish & seem to have zero empathy. That would drive anyone away. Someone with a secure attachment would be wonderful.

@hspinnovators5516 Ай бұрын

@@rayawakeit can if both successfully repair and grow together

@nyomansabun1136 2 ай бұрын

Bro, you're spot on. This was somewhat difficult for me to hear. yet i pushed on a watched twice. Cheers mate.

@ManTalks 2 ай бұрын

Outstanding. Glad to hear and thanks for tuning in!

@marioct130 2 ай бұрын

Both people have to want to work on the relationship.

@extrospective 2 ай бұрын

Couldn't have come at a better time. I am going through this exact dynamic 4 months into my relationship. Hopefully constructive conversations and empathy/listening will help us both! Thank you!

@flake8382 Күн бұрын

This one video has been worth more than ten sessions of therapy with my supposed therapist. He disagnosed me as depressive/anxious and tried to treat my mind physically - thinky my amygyla are enlarged. That's probably true. What he needed was to dig deeper into who I am, my past, and where I am now and what shapes the most negative of my emotions today.

@sidehustler22 2 ай бұрын

Dealing with this right now,my AP says he still feels for me but that feeling isn't enough to give up his independence and rather stay alone forever,he says sorry and got emotional.I told him we can fix it but he said no,he cannot see himself giving up his freedom.He is ready to grow old alone and says he is tired of this life.

@S3verance Ай бұрын

Sounds like he's depressed and scared to pull you into it.

@nadja5154 14 күн бұрын

Listen to what they are telling you. It's the truth. It's not them asking you to change them. It might take them another 10 years to open up to a committed relationship

@Miggsval Ай бұрын

This helps me understand my previous relationschip so much, we just broke up 3 days ago and i always thought it was just me, but seems like we both pulled up the best and worse feelings in eachother. I just wish i had this information earlier so i could have controlled my anxiousness and not have pushed her away that much. Thanks you for sharing ur wisdom!

@nadja5154 14 күн бұрын

You deserve to be loved the way you need to be loved. You don't have to neglect that need in order to accommodate an avoidant partner. Please remember that. And I wish you all the best for going through this hard time.

@tinac6114 2 ай бұрын

You are describing me & my SP to a "T"! He's avoidant & I'm anxious! We both do to each other everything you are describing! We've been going at our relationship for 2 yrs now. The minute we get real close he pulls away & runs! Then I text the crap outta him & I do tend to bring up private things he's told me about his past & throw in his face! Not good...I know! I just get so frustrated! He completely shuts down! He says he's never been with someone so needy. I've never been with someone who runs! I know we love & care about one another & I'm hoping we can continue to just work on ourselves. We each recognize what we're doing wrong. This video is sooo good! Ty

@vladsciencedrums Ай бұрын

I feel you. I’m the man (anxious ) and she’s the woman (avoidant). I’ve been watching so many videos and it’s been helping. I’m really starting to the root of it all which stems from myself. I’m really doing my best to look out for myself and gain confidence within. You came into world alone and you’ll leave alone too.

@repentjesusiscomingsoon1529 18 күн бұрын

YOU NEED JESUS!!!! HE CAN CHANGE YOUR LIFE!!!

@pampj8501 6 күн бұрын

I have a Dismissive Avoidant attachment style due to CPTSD. It is not easy by any means and in spite of seeing thousands of comments generalizing and bashing DAs, I am here. I have watched thousands of hours of Videos and have found a Therapy that actually works. My suggestion is that if your DA is not doing the work. Set a boundary and walk away, if they are then please show patience and compassion. Some of us are trying and can easily get discouraged when we do finally work up the nerve to seek help and come here only to be crapped on. I see several people claiming they were secure before they met their DA. Well have you actually watched any of the videos on how a Secure person would handle a situation. They set boundaries and leave a situation before they even get to the point where a DA “ruins” their lives. As I said some of us are here and we are trying.

@katd137 11 күн бұрын

I’m the anxious one and he’s that avoidant. Just under 3 years of him ghosting me and coming back. Usually by the 3 week point he’s back to texting me. He always says we are just fwb’s and that he doesn’t want a girlfriend. He hasn’t been returning my texts in 2 1/2 months. Very little texts the past couple weeks. My heart hurts so much. I miss him so much. This video helped me understand why we do what we do. Thank you for this!

@Rishnutz Ай бұрын

This is gold! Thank you. My fearful avoidant girlfriend and I are currently getting back together and I recognize the anxious that I am. Luckily I’m self aware enough to check myself and do the work on myself, and so far she is open to doing her own work. It’s definitely interesting cause she will pull away but at the same time if I say things a certain way, she becomes terrified that I’ll leave her. I think if we can get through this we’ll have something incredible, and if not then it will be a great learning experience. It’s a gain either way.

@BopCentral808 Ай бұрын

Same situation here gf is very distant

@peggyvanhalablackwell546 29 күн бұрын

Two people say they want a relationship. Anxious try to make a WE. Avoidants want the reflected glow of connection without being in the WE.

@leaaugusta9924 19 күн бұрын

And that's what's bothers me about all of this. How can you claim to be in a relationship if you're not a WE? How are two individuals who simply share space a couple?

@WisdomHouseCreative 17 күн бұрын

Anxious people don't want a WE, they want a ME with the other person revovling around their anxieties. If the anxious person can't emotionally regulate and respect boundaries, that's definitely not a WE.

@MichaelMike 13 сағат бұрын

This pretty much describes my relationship. Really sucks that we had to go through many many years without knowing any of this stuff

@Foxie770 Ай бұрын

21:26 Unfortunately a DA man who is having affairs and lying about it and refuses full transparency makes an anxious person NEED to get creative chess the phone in order to discover the truth. And the truth is: he was having affairs and in dangerous situations that could have harmed the wife. The wife has every right to know and protect herself physically and financially against these betrayals.

@lorijbryant1639 7 күн бұрын

Thanks for sharing, I am an avoidant female with anxious male and this is helpful. I have seen a lot of female perspectives and nice to hear from a male. If an avoidant is ready to do the work they will. It’s taken me a long time, but finally ready.

@mykidsvideos3 2 ай бұрын

This makes me want to stay single, for sure! 😂

@tstormers 4 сағат бұрын

This has been soo eye opening and sounds very close like my relationship that just ended with her leaving. Definitely going to be working on myself to be a better more secure person so that my next relationship is better or if she is willing to work together after giving her some space, on this a new version of us. Thank you so much!

@laclovis7826 20 күн бұрын

You cannot fix an avoidant, they have to do that themselves by taking accountability for their behavior, self reflecting and therapy. YOU CANNOT FIX THEM with words or your love .

@JayHameed 9 күн бұрын

Wow I've been into attachment theory for years and years as a male its finally nice to hear a man's perspective on attachments styles and information on this dynamic - Attachments affect both males and females so its good to finally get some information from the other side of things lol - keep up the videos!

@pure-pisces9980 Ай бұрын

Everything takes TWO & Both self reflecting .... COMMUNICATION IS CRUCIAL!!! Every person in this crazy world has their shit!.....It all comes down to .......BOTH wanting, accepting, compromising, respecting & COMMUNICATING!! Thankyou great video 🙏

@timothymosley6718 Ай бұрын

Fantastic advice , I’m an anxious, 2 years ago started a relationship with an avoidant, then I started overthinking everything after 6 months and ended up blowing it , text bombing , wanting more validation, didn’t realise I was doing it , now I know why , 6 years ago my wife of 35 years died of cancer , I’ve turned into a monster

@Kimsk1975 2 ай бұрын

I have been looking for that one amazing video about the dynamics between avoidant & anxious attachment styles. This is the one!! Thank you so much for this video!! Liked, subscribed & looking forward to watching other videos. 😃

@boom33joelmtz85 6 күн бұрын

“Catch yourself doing this shit”lol

@AA-lw9sy Ай бұрын

I can literally see my relationship unfold. The most practical video, succient and to the point. Best video by far, after going through hundred. Other videos use lot of high vocabulary which just throws us off.

@kolabrou Ай бұрын

this is a gem. worth siting together with my DA partner and watch this VERY carefully together

@ladyrose9859 23 күн бұрын

Wow! This was so fantastic! I’ve watched, read and listened to so much on this and this by far was the most helpful. I appreciate how you took it off the drama triangle and gave both the anxious and the avoidant support. I really enjoyed hearing what the each needs to work on and how they can understand the opposite. Thank you for your work and share!

@DFENSFL 2 ай бұрын

that was really good...and my situation to a tee... I hope it is not past the point of no return - I have listened to this several times already...it is so spot on.

@2013december 29 күн бұрын

I am so happy and grateful to your knowledge and sharing it to us. I just met a guy and I’m ecstatic if I can that to meet him. I’ve never met a man like him before. But I strongly believe and I’m quite positive he’s an avoidant person and I’m an anxious person. I’m 70 years old been through so much in life and I want this guy to be my last life partner. So thank you so much.

@rayawake 2 ай бұрын

this was incredible. will share

@iamjakeya 2 ай бұрын

This is so good. Anxious person here. I understand exactly what to work on and how. Thank you so much!

@musokiemily336 Ай бұрын

By far, this is like the only video I needed to hear. This so true of me and my relationships

@Josh-xw8gd 16 күн бұрын

this is a rlly good video, i have to give you your flowers, excellent articulation, i understood every word you said and i’m more confident i can fix my relationship now

@ChaosKrimson Ай бұрын

This was and always will be needed information. Thank you so much for articulating this so well and making it digestible for both individuals. I am discovering this part about myself along with the help of therapy, I lean more on the anxious attachment style. It’s difficult to admit but that’s the first step to resolving the repetitive behavior for myself so that I may allow a healthy relationship in my life and flourish as an individual and independent. Thank you SO much 💗

@adrianaalexander5592 24 күн бұрын

This is an excellent explanation and conversation. Your examples and suggestions on how to deal with these issues were very helpful. Thank you!

@bittybun Ай бұрын

Wow this is fantastic, nice work putting it together in a concise, yet in-depth way. Lots of good and new insight. My avoidant personality thanks you!!

@musokiemily336 Ай бұрын

Am so so so happy, and glad I found this. This is exactly what am going through and I understand it.

@TheNordicHunter 17 күн бұрын

It was Jerry. He always found something wrong with every woman he dated. George was the opposite. He wanted to be liked and loved by everyone. He once was so hated, he fell in love with that person and wanted them to change and want him. Thank you for all of this excellent advice and support. I have anxious attachment style and my girlfriend has avoidant. We are in this push-pull phase and it’s not fun, but so far we are riding the waves (while still loving each other) and getting through the storm. All this information helps even more. Thank you! :)

@matthewhanson498 2 ай бұрын

Wow! Great info great breakdown

@musokiemily336 Ай бұрын

This is so so so me. And I have experienced this dynamic. And I really understand what you are talking about. I would love to know more. Even the examples you gave are all true.

@dragonpegasus1231 Ай бұрын

THIS video is a treasure for me! I'm on the anxious side, and I have been in a situationship with my partner who is an avoidant person for the last 4months. What you said in this video is valid. I've been practicing to focus more on myself and I feel the positive thing because I learn to love myself after 13years of toxic relationship/trauma bond with my ex. At first I became so frustrated with my partner because he seems so distant. But then I keep reminding myself that I love how he loves his job and why don't I do the same by loving what I love too? Being with him is hard at first because I struggle with my anxieties but I took the positive thing so I focus on my self worth. Of course, there is still a long way to go to make this relationship work, but at least I know now I'm on the right path. sorry for the long comment, thank you so much for your video!

@skirkley34 2 күн бұрын

Thank you for the confirmation I needed❤

@xavierserrano4880 Ай бұрын

Hey, spot on assessment,ent and constructive support and content here. Thank you

@audreymoyers9350 2 ай бұрын

You made me cry. I cannot even comprehend why I would want to be reliant on someone else. I don’t see how that helps. And what would make me feel safe in a relationship? Nothing. Anyone can let me down at any time. It’s just true. And it feels safer to live with that knowledge than to be burned over and over again. You say these things like it natural and normal. But I can’t see why I would want to change.

@betulylmaz8893 Ай бұрын

It's not so much about wanting to change, but about creating a common ground for communication where our connection with ourselves can be expressed in a healthy way. Resistance to change can also create a sense of imprisonment within ourselves to some extent. The reason I say imprisonment is that, in life, our sense of self is formed based on whether or not the various emotions we've experienced have been met. And as social beings, humans constantly check themselves through the eyes of others. It's almost as if our emotional regulation or dysregulation with our partner serves as proof of whether we have internal emotional regulation.

@gusp7632 Ай бұрын

You’re guaranteeing the outcome that you’re fearing by making it happen from your end every time though..

@audreymoyers9350 29 күн бұрын

@@gusp7632 how? Just because I feel like I can’t depend on my bf doesn’t mean he’s not dependable and can’t continuously show me I can depend on him.

@Voimakas 10 күн бұрын

@@gusp7632 stop the cycle by stopping the dating/relationship thing. It is not worth it.

@betulylmaz8893 Ай бұрын

That's so good to hear some truths from such a wise way from you. Thank you! By the way, I am an avoidant. While this might seem like it helps me in my relationships by accepting them and then pushing them away in a short time, it becomes very exhausting for both sides in the long run. Therefore, if I look at it in black and white terms, I need to accept living 'alone' and continue life that way. But I don't want to reach this conclusion without being sure that I have developed enough and done my best. And yes, today, the desire for self-sufficiency brought by individualism in the West has increased the number of avoidants. However, there are many colors in life, and in the long run, I would very much like to say that I lived a life shared with and witnessed by others, rather than saying I lived alone just for myself and stayed true to my values. Therefore, the journey is long, and this video has shed light on my way to better understand and communicate with the person or people in my life. Thanks again.

@joshliam1967 Ай бұрын

"Man hands" was Jerry who I think is a dismissive avoidant, and I think George is a fearful avoidant as he both craves and is terrified of intimacy...just finished a Seinfeld rewatch and as a person with fearful avoidance myself I love it! Great video thank you.

@mint_soup9743 Ай бұрын

Yeah I thought george had something about a goiter or weird foot or something, right?

@DiscipleOfSelfSchool 2 ай бұрын

Insightful and helpful. Thanks!

@oliviamoore5328 2 ай бұрын

Aren’t they both portraying their own protest behaviour. They are both protesting to being hurt in their own way

@rayawake 2 ай бұрын

I suppose insofar as distancing, running away, shutting down can be called protest

@salemhighschoolvolleyball957 16 сағат бұрын

I think 75% of what attracts the anxious to the avoidant is the initial stage before any real intimacy. The anxious usually does not initiate the dynamic due to insecurities and the avoidant initially pursues VERY hard. The anxious feels like 'wow this feels great, I feel so seen!!' and even if the anxious had 0 interest before hand.... they will start to develop an attraction. Usually as this attraction develops there will be a plateau and then a subsequent avoidant pull back. This is where the anxious has all that validation and certainty removed from them rather quickly. Obviously this can be mega disorienting and even if you know about the anxious avoidant cycle.... there will still be some initial confusion because you probably did not identify them as avoidant right off the bat. Also, once the anxious has experienced this cycle before and if they have been made aware of their attachment style... the anxious will actually detach and avoid due to fear of anything they do pushing the person even further away or because they feel like they are the cause of the dynamic and really just feel broken

@Zoe-mv7gc Ай бұрын

Excellent advice !!!!

@gayleneflower398 Ай бұрын

I think you did an outstanding job in your attempt to clarify the attachment styles. But in my dilemma, I am with a fearful avoidant. I just don’t know how to deal with him. I asked to get counseling and he said no he was going to work on himself. he makes me so insecure, always pulling away and then coming back that I finally gave up

@DahliaDance Ай бұрын

Gaylene… Do yourself an ENORMOUS favor: FIND A PERSON WHO WANTS TO BE WITH YOU. I’ve been through it. It’s going to tear you apart and waste away years of your life.

@musiklyfe7683 8 күн бұрын

After listening to various videos on this topic, It seems like the characteristic traits are defined differently from you than the rest of the people that discuss this topic. As far as when peace individuals are acting out. Though the attributes are still pretty accurate for my own experience. But the way you're describing the anxious person sounds a lot like the dismissive persons way of reacting in a punitive manner. Regardless, your content is still educational and very helpful and I look forward to hearing more and learning more.

@emanuelmajstorovic9457 12 күн бұрын

Great insight. Thank you this was really helpful. Although we recently broke up ,I will learn how to self regulate... God bless

@changingwoman1494 18 күн бұрын

Good stuff.. thank you

@svetikchum6988 2 ай бұрын

Is it pushing for more when you get none?

@karentrevino6904 2 ай бұрын

Wonderful videos!! New subscriber, thanks for sharing ❤

@LSGO90 2 ай бұрын

I would love one of this videos but with the fearful avoidant - dismissive avoidant dynamic. I feel it’s quite different.

@thebirima91 13 күн бұрын

I do not lack anything at this moment. The only mistake I made was being lured into a relationship with an avoidant not being aware of these dynamics especially the masking. I was perfect being alone and now my life is messed up in terms of housing and finances because there’s no possibility for me to find another place to rent so that I can leave this broken person. And yes, I gave her all the space she needs and am not clingy.

@StevenJGMedia Ай бұрын

Great content

@robbieamhaz2662 Ай бұрын

Awesome content

@skaziblu 2 ай бұрын

the anxious part of the texting is a mofo.. the impulsive text is incredibly hard to control.

@michaeldyer3757 2 ай бұрын

Interesting how you did a pretty good job keeping the anxious explanations neutral and when explaining avoidant it was male dominant. Maybe because it was your go to (?)

@mebanjopmarwein3431 Ай бұрын

We broke up.. I'm an avoidant.. she's an anxious.. she broke up with me.. i really tried to work things out but she didn't..😢 been on NC for 1week+ now.. hope she comes back we'll fix together.. i used to be an anxious person, until one relationship where i got ghosted it hit me so hard that i became avoidant where i find to love myself more and be independent.. but now it's ruining my relationship with this anxious ex..

@samslo4321 2 ай бұрын

I am at the point where i was broke up with but i am told there is a chance i can fix this im so glad i found this vid thank you xxxxxxxxxxxx

@NunYaBiz1313 2 ай бұрын

Thanks for making these videos. As a man I cannot relate to the explanation women give as they aren't men themselves.

@Silent-Moon 18 күн бұрын

Thank you

@tatianawoellner6620 16 күн бұрын

Exhausting 😩

@surgeonvicryl4872 Ай бұрын

This video is the real deal! too late ive seen this only now, would have I seen it weeks earlier I could have somehow saved the connection with my FA but, everything happens for a reason. I am an anxious type, and Ive been drained too an extent I dont want to be in it anymore. She never solidified anything with me, so I said we both have healing to do, why dont we heal ourselves and focus on careers..be friends and support each other grow and heal. she lashed out and everything was chaotic. I was too tired to reply. misinterpretation mixed with ego.

@Alicia-ns4cc 19 күн бұрын

What's the point of a relationship if there is no intimacy, closeness and connection? What do avoidants seek in a relationship then? I've only manifested anxious attachment in one relationship with an avoidant. In other more secure relationships I have had no problem with space and independence in the relationship.

@MrDarryl1971 2 ай бұрын

IN A NUTSHELL If your ANXIOUS with an AVOIDANT .practice push pull behaviour with your avoidant partner. SET TIME RESTRICTION ON DATES I.E. 30 MINUTE COFFEE DATE OR 1HR ON EATING DATE.ANXIOUS PARTNERS SHOULD LEAVE THE DATE FIRST . PRACTICE PRE EMPTIVE THINKING. I.E. AFTER BEING NEEDY DO A BLACKOUT (2 TO 4 WEEKS OF NO CONTACT)LET THE AVOIDANT REACH OUT

@kognitivescientist Ай бұрын

You let them, and they disappear. They disappear anyway though… unless they are determined to give this theory a go and work on their sht.

@solofirez 7 күн бұрын

Fantastic

@guitarsz 2 ай бұрын

this literally sounds like pure hell. i mean, in theory it’s nice that there is a potential path to healing but is sounds literally riddled with so many intricate obstacles that just thinking about it is exhausting .wouldn’t it be better just to find a healthier mode of attachment ? Is the only way to heal THROUGH one of these relationship dynamics (if you are of the anxious or avoidant type) or can you just pick a partner that is not avoidant or anxious attachment style?

@kognitivescientist Ай бұрын

That’s why there are 50% of safely attached people, BUT those 1) tend to get a partner while young and stay in that relationships having normal patterns of communication (they not suck at relationships to start with, so they often keep it); 2) for them, partner with attachment issue should be ready and fix themselves to the maximally aware degree before meeting healthy people, otherwise it will not work good for long term. If some fixing is not done before - healthy people just note attachment-flawed behaviours as red flags. That’s why dating apps are also filled with pool of solo anxious and avoidant attachers. All goes to one conclusion: it’s everyone’s responsibility to understand their history, become aware and make a work on themselves.

@jeffp3495 Ай бұрын

It is hell on earth. You have to be a saint while being tortured and told it's your fault.

@sweetpea692388 Ай бұрын

@@jeffp3495 I think maybe you're dealing with a Narcissists!👿

@anoniem9520 17 күн бұрын

Even if you become secure attached from axious, and the relationship works better, the dismissive avoidant will still be a avoidant dad to the kids and run away from emotional problems. So what is all the work for really

@monicaprivate 12 күн бұрын

Great video. Have you spoken about how to shift away from emotional reactivity? It adds such a feeling of helplessness with my DA partner when nothing can be addressed or resolved. Im finding that im exhausted and shutting down.

@logancarman9169 2 ай бұрын

Thanks for this video very insightful and spot on. As an avoidant though how do you know if it’s just your attachment style getting in the way or if you really just don’t mesh with the person and don’t want a relationship with them?

@sallyjrwjrw6766 2 ай бұрын

You can't tell if you like someone? Maybe you have alexithymia.

@mariaseppi Ай бұрын

I’m a woman and I see this in me as well. I never thought of myself as anxious, but since my husband cheated on me a year ago, I feel this way.

@raerivera5676 Ай бұрын

Fabulous ❤

@smileyglitter852 Ай бұрын

Im a fearful avoidant, this was out of survival in childhood. Im dating a fearful avoidant man ...What should I do??? I try to give space and not overwhelm him...This video makes me sad...

@mgn1621 15 күн бұрын

Work on yourself .

@dja-juicepowersourceproduc2887 2 ай бұрын

Nice 👍 thanks

@DeathGodCaine 2 ай бұрын

What if im anxiously attached but i have self control, boundaries, and self-worth? Ive communicated with her but still getting avoidant behaviors.

@sallyjrwjrw6766 2 ай бұрын

At the end of they day, you can only change yourself. If your partner doesn’t want to put in the work then you can't make her.

@DahliaDance Ай бұрын

Say goodbye. Find a partner who’s wanting & WILLING.

@LitBroBeats 2 ай бұрын

Good luck y’all

@Arvolash Ай бұрын

You deserve Love and Respect , and it starts with you loving and respecting you !

@sorongil 29 күн бұрын

all of this, all of it is just as it should be. Once u consider the history of human kind... everything is just as it should be, we have been given all of the tools necessary to recognize each other ... follow your hearts, simple as that .. which in it self is no easy task to accomplish.

@erianriley9637 2 ай бұрын

Adam lane smith is a great male attachment expert.

@ManTalks 2 ай бұрын

Had him on the show last month. Great convo

@mint_soup9743 Ай бұрын

None of my fears are unfounded with my avoidant. He left when I was confident and happy in the connection. In fact, whenever I am secure that's when he gets cold feet. Now I'm an anxious mess. I just gave up, so I suppose this video really isnt for me.

@kognitivescientist Ай бұрын

So ok, anxious should self regulate about their doubts where it is going WHILE avoidant will be focused on That one physical flaw 🤪🙄 As if it is not felt when partner doesn’t love genuinely but floats in that logical doubts instead.

@DahliaDance Ай бұрын

“The anxious partner: ‘You know what, we haven’t been on a date in a few weeks, I’d love to just go out with you on a Friday night and go out for a beer, or go out and have a good meal…’” …and this triggers your Avoidant “partner???” => RUN. Going out for a beer or a good meal ONCE A WEEK IS NORMAL in a compatible relationship. If they can’t handle that…. you’ve got to grapple with how hard you want to work for it. Sincerely, Your ‘was-anxious-now-secure-unsolicited advice’