In this video, I'll give my Summary and Takeaways from the book Tell Me No Lies: How to Stop Lying to Your Partner --- and Yourself -- In the 4 Stages of Marriage by Drs. Ellyn Bader and Pete Pearson.
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*** A full transcript can be found at www.marblejar.net. ***
Hi, everyone! This is Lara Hammock from the Marble Jar Channel and in today's video, I'll give my Summary and Takeaways from the book Tell Me No Lies: How to Stop Lying to Your Partner --- and Yourself -- In the 4 Stages of Marriage by Drs. Ellyn Bader and Pete Pearson.
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Full disclosure -- I'm currently in a year long training through the Couples Institute on the couples counseling model originated by Ellyn Bader and Pete Pearson. The training is absolutely wonderful for a number of reasons, but it also predisposes me to appreciate this book that they wrote together in 2000 since I can place it in the context of my learning.
Here is the overall map to my book videos: I give an overview which covers a quick summary of the book, the audience, and some background on the authors, then I go into the structure of the book, my recommendation and why, and 5-10 takeaways that were either surprising or new information for me. Let's get started with an
Overview
This book is about lies told between partners in a romantic relationship. It acknowledges that lies are both inevitable and constant and can either nurture or destroy a relationship. Intent is important in how harmful a lie can be -- lies intended to deceive, protect, or derive gain for the teller of the lie are almost always going to be problematic. Lies intended to flatter, protect, or encourage the partner can be more nurturing. The authors make the point that couples tell different kinds of lies depending on what developmental stage their relationships is in. The model of therapy originated by Ellyn Bader and Pete Pearson (who are psychologists married to each other) is called the Developmental Model of Couples Therapy. It is based on the principle that couples develop through natural stages that somewhat parallel the developmental states of a child's development. Each stage comes with it's own challenges, but most couples who come to therapy are stuck in the stage of symbiosis -- or wanting their partner to be more like them. The audience for this book is ostensibly couples, but I'm guessing it's been read by a lot of couples therapists as well to help guide their work.
Structure
Here's how the book is structured. The first three chapters set the stage:
- Chapter 1 - Truth & Consequences - gives an overview of the book and some basic facts about lies
- Chapter 2 - The Complex Lives of Husbands & Wives - goes into the types of lies that are told in the context of a romantic relationship and how they can change the relationship dynamic
- Chapter 3 - is my favorite chapter and is about the Lie Invitee, which I'll go into more in my Takeaways
The next 7 chapters go through the stages of couples development and talk about the kind of lies that are typically present in each. One chapter deals with what happens when that stages is going well and the next deals with what happens when the stage is going badly. For example: The honeymoon is the first stage. Chapter 4 talks about lies in that stage when things are going well and is subtitled "So Sweetly Self-Deceived" and then Chapter 5 talks about lies when that stage is going poorly "The Dark Side of the Honeymoon: So Anxious for Happiness". They go through each stage - Emerging Differences/Seething Stalemate, Freedom to Explore/Freedom Unhinged, and finally Together as Two, which you can't really get to if things have gone badly in the other stages. Finally, they wrap everything up in the Chapter 11 by providing a user's guide to telling the truth and hearing the truth and why it's worth making the effort.
Recommend?
Do I recommend this book? Yes -- it's chock full of great information, case examples, and practical steps. Do I think reading it will rescue you from a marriage that has been poisoned by a lot of lies? Like anything else, information is great, but putting it into use takes a lot of emotional regulation and growth, which isn't easy to do alone. I would recommend working with either an individual therapist or couples counselor to create an environment and an attitude that invites honesty in your relationship. I do think it's a great resource for couples therapists to understand how to deal with clients where deceit is a big part of their issues . . .