"If you thought Johnny Depp was bad at being Keith Richards, you should see Keith Richards trying to be Keith Richards" omfg I'm dying

Simon starting to read the paper is my favourite part

"Watching two chairs mating" Classic quote

Orloondo Bland. Brilliant.

Will never, ever tire of watching this. The rant of all rants

My favourite line from this rant: "Now Keira Knightley's acting has always been wooden but this time it is like a petrified forest of wooden, You really feel like you can build a nice piece of IKEA furniture around her performance."

"Really, if you go and pay money to go and see Pirates of the Caribbean it's your own fault, and you're bringing down the collapse of Western civilization". This is why Kermode is by far my favourite critic.

Lots of hate for Mayo here. You gotta maybe listen to their full show or podcast to understand their vibe. They bicker and banter like an old married couple, this is a part of their appeal.

"Is that a nest of tables?" cracks me up every time.

'two chairs mating' I was howling! hah

Kermode's rant is, as expected, superb... But Mayo's reaction makes it sublime.

Possibly the greatest Kermode rant, assisted by Mayo's silly routine.

"When she and Orlando Bland are on screen together, it's like two chairs mating". My favourite Mark Kermode one liner ever.

Marks interpretation of the 1 in 10 year visit. 'I WOULD TAKE THE DEAL RIGHT NOW!'

Funny as fuck rant. Absolute classic. But c'mon Kermode, the first Pirates is good.

Orloondo Bland...that's just precious!

7:42 we get a nice glimpse of keira and orlando in person.....

Simon gets to show his comedic side in this video. I love it.

I love that this was broadcast at a golf tournament.. some of the finest golfers in the world gather to play, meanwhile one of the finest movie rants is taking place at the same time. I'd like to see a Kermode/Mayo 5 Live show live at an NBA game or a UFC fight.

I enjoyed the elaborate "wood" metaphor referring to Orlando and Keira's acting.

This rant always brightens my days. It's pure gold, up there with Monty Python and Rowan Atkinson's best sketches.

The reason why I think Johnny's performance worked so well in the first movie, is because the script writer envisioned Jack Sparrow to be a bland, overly charming, typical Disney's "loveable rogue". (I know this because he wanted Hugh Jackman to play the part) Johnny saw the script, and made the character his own, adding twists and making a lot of the producers really nervous. After the writers saw Johnny's performance and realized people loved it, they started writing for Johnny's Jack, going completely overboard with the "jester" trope Johnny added himself, making the character unanchored.

He should get a medal for this

This review is goddamn iconic, and one of my favourite Kermode rants. Cant believe it doesnt have more views.

Mark Kermode was so brutal back in the day, lol (and he still can be).

"You feel like you have to get out the varnish". Kermode's masterpiece, without question. What a joy to listen to

Wow. I have to listen to that again. Just epic.

I'd heard this review many times but never seen the video of it. Simon reading the newspaper, taking out his phone, looking knowingly at the camera and also just disappearing for a couple of minutes gave me a good chuckle.

The greatest rant of his - and every word is a true one.

This is probably the best Kermodion rant next to Sex & The City 2, brilliant! Didnt even stop for breath!

This is a great rant. "If you thought Johnny Depp was bad at being Keith Richards, you should see Keith Richards trying to be Keith Richards."

I miss this Mark 😢

Keith knightley ikea furniture lol

10 years on, still a classic.

6:05-Love it when Simon starts reading the paper. It's like he knows "Yep. I'm in for a long one here"

I really like the first three POTC movies BUT this rant is brilliant and absolutely hilarious! Gotta love Kermode, even if you disagree with him sometimes! :D

'It's like watching two chairs mating...What's that, is it a nest of tables?' Hahaha

Possibly one of the best Kermode rants ever..

This is easily his best rant

In retrospect, I think Mark was correct that the pirates franchise was a big detriment to Depps career.

"I think it's important to say that one has to go into these things with an open mind" "HAH! Yeah, right" "....no, I know. But look, ok." Made me laugh so much for some reason, you just know at that point this is going to be an all time great rant

He was far too kind about Orloondo Bland

Actually, when it is referring to "nine pieces of eight", it is referring to a system of currency from that time period- the coins were known as "pieces of 8" because each coin was an eighth of a pound. The nine pieces of eight essentially means nine different coins. And I know, most of the items werent coins, but thats why they have the scene where they explain that the pirate lords hadnt had enough money and had been forced to simply use random objects instead, but still went with the name.

From 7:00 on out... Man am I glad this movie came out, because this is the greatest review of all time! I could NOT stop laughing!!!

AT WIT'S END

'Orloondo Bland' hahahahahahaha brings tears to my eyes

He's prepared to marry Orlundo Bland so he only has to see him once every ten years . Classic! Mayo's awesome here

0:40 is a grin of pure evil, at the havoc he is about to unleash upon our ears...

Probably my favourite rant coz Mayo finally shuts the fuck up. King Kermode for PM.

The first Pirates was an absolutely classic, I never quite understand what he hates about it so much. Obviously the sequels are atrocious, and should have never been made, but the first was a great film.

"It's immediately annoying squared" should be on the poster

First time I see this video... What can I say too many brilliant quotes to write down here. The best one? 'Two chairs mating'. Classic.

He really did kill Kingdom of Heaven ... could've been something special

The best bit about this review in particular, is how it's edited with Mayo's reactions!! 8:54 - I DIED.

Jesus, Mark. Stop sitting on the fence!

..but it was a listener who came up with Ikea Knightley, and Kermode says he'll always regret not coming up with that nickname.

Pirates 5 has been announced and really I am more excited for Kermode's review of it than the movie itself.

Seldom was a rant more justified. Orlando Bland indeed.

I’m watching this review on Monday the 8th of April 2024. A eclipse of the sun is happening at the moment over a large part of the USA. Did fate bring me to this amazing review?

best rant ever - go to 7:41 when it shows the empty chair for the first time and there's some old man just standing in a black golf jumper staring at Mark through the hedge getting it all out of him - brilliant!! :) SMB

That's the best one yet. It got to 9:00 and I couldn't stop laughing. He just goes on... and on... and on... but he's entertaining with it. Pirates 3 was a total let down. I *really* enjoyed the first one. I enjoyed the second one more, but this one was bad in too many ways for redemption. Pirates 4 was worse... I think. Maybe not. I can't remember.

one of the best movie reviews I've ever seen. This critic has such a hilarious way of expressing how bad a film is that I've been left speechless.

"Live from James King's palace of earthly delights"

This is the single most accurate, entertaining and honest film review of all time, Your the man Mark!

The rant of all rants

is that a nest of tables? no it's orlando bloom and keira knightley lmao

love it when mayo just says "wrong" while kermodes talking!

Mark is class. This is the funniest thing I ever saw. Thank god some real opinions still make it into the main stream.

Their podcast is excellent. The reviews often more entertaining than the films themselves!

I was but a two month old baby when this was uploaded... and now I am enjoying this more than my birthday.

"You could make a nice piece of Ikea furniture out of Keira Knightly's performance". Hahaha, best criticism ever :D I Don't agree with it but its hilarious XD

Mayo starts whistling at the ten-minute mark. It's the 'wrap it up, Mark,' signal. And Kermode still keeps motoring on until eleven has passed.

Well... in general, sure. But at the same time, there are things out there that do phenomenally well because they are so good. "Dark Side of the Moon" springs to mind

"Ikea" Knightley's acting is as solid as any piece of flat-pack furniture I've brought from that retail establishment. Well done Mark!

"He's immediately annoying squared"

16 years later and Mark was 100% right I should’ve taken my parents to see Zodiac

I keep coming back to this review for a laugh- even if I like the POTC films Kermode just cracks me up. I seriously cannot wait for his review of the fourth film in May.

i absolutely LOVE the first POTC movie but damn this whole rant was so iconic and funny and perfect (and I cackled the hardest at Mayo's reactions) I can't even be mad about a movie I love getting brutalized lmaooooo

Everything Kermode says here is bang on the money. Literally everything.

I love thé fact that Mark called Orlando Bloom as Orloomdo Bland

He really doesn't only give negative reviews. Those reviews get circulated more as they are more popular to listen to, but it's wrong to suggest he is not positive about films. And that does not apply just to art house films, he champions run-of-the-mill films also....

I'm ashamed to admit that I rewatch this review far too often ON LOOP

I don't know if anybody's mind explodes after listening to Mark Kermode's reviews?

I love Kermode's grin at 00:43...it's as if he's grinning to say 'they're demanding a full on rant...challenge accepted' :P

'Is that a nest of tables? No, it's Orloondo Bland and Keira Knightly kissing.'

This is still Dr K's greatest rant.

3:04 He refers to Orlando Bloom as Orbloomdo Land. Then at 3:28 he calls him Orlando Bland.

You knew that his review it'd be like that! Fantastic review, spot on

Mark Kermode is quite possibly the smuggest person I’m aware of whose opinions I find myself in agreement with quite often. How annoying.😳

Find myself loving the FOUR Pirates of the Carribean films, probably watched them twice simply because it's good 'FUN' and yet also absolutely loving this Rant Haha - brilliant . ]

One of the most entertaining Kermode rants EVER....!!

Damn, this guy needs to meet Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw from Zero Punctuation. The greatest rant-storm of all time would spawn from the meeting of these two people.

Legend.....like him or hate him at least Mark Kermode has the balls to say what everybody else is thinking, the first POTC was absolutely horrid and yet people flock in their masses and fund this rubbish....i watch this clip every Sunday to give me a boost with my hangover, gets better every time i watch it - funniest parts are "walking around like something out of a Milk Tray advert" and "enough, it has to stop now"......all i can say is i can't wait ot hear Mark's review when Michael Bay remakes 'The Exorcist' - i'd pay big money to hear that one, keep the rants coming Mark, best film critic over this past 18 years! :) SMB

WOW that escalated brilliantly, props to mayo as well he's also key to the enjoyment

You got empty-chaired.

Don't think he liked it 😉, love watching Simon just go on with his day.

I'm listening to this review again in 2018, and it still cracks me up.... brilliant stuff! Kera knightly must have studied under Hugh Grant.

I love his subtle quips. "Orlando Bland".

has anyone checked to see if he ever inhales? absolutely majestic

I remember loving the exploding pirate wedding at the end of this film when i saw it in the theater, but i don’t rewatch this one if it’s on TV. The first & second PotC movies are endlessly rewatchable for me, but each franchise addition is worse than the last.