"Unfortunately that bottom called the director 'Hitler'" The greatest line Kermode has ever said.

"How will we know when we get to the industrial point?" I love it when Mayo trolls the Good Doctor.

As far as Kermodian rants go, this is an instant classic.

The saddest thing to me is, Spielberg was executive producer and didn't decide it was best to fire Michael Bay and do it all himself. At least then this movie would've had heart and some integrity.

Please tell me there's a cut-up of this review consisting purely of Kermode's "PHWOAAAR! EH?" noises. That's funny to me.

Thanks for posting this!

"It's not a movie, it's an industrial point" Classic Kermode :)

Heard this on the radio earlier today. Brilliant review. My girlfriend was trying to get tickets for us at the Imax for this weekend. Imagine my relief when she said 'Oh no there are no good seats left.'

Heh, I loved this part: Mayo: "And with that spirit of optimism, let's find out what Mark thinks." Kermode: "Well it's horrible, vile, vulgar and hideous..."

Greatest review of all time. Every word was spot on

This is art.

This is brilliant.

Dr K is back! The best rant since Sex In The City 2.

I love the screen shot of these two. I like to think that they were told to show up at the photo op dressed "smart casual" and this was the result.

I like that he draws an analogy to the demise of the Roman empire. Shows how learned he is :-)

I was looking forward to this more then the film.

i love this man

This is not a rant, it's a meltdown. Possibly the best of the last ten years.

Amazing.

Classic! Thanks so much for posting this. Love the Kermode and Mayo show and I hate hate hate hate Michael Bay!!!!!

"Horrible, vile, vulgar and hideous!" - A B B A alliteration from the doctor!

Looking forward to this...

Totally agree, also since when did Optimus Prime pull the head of a pleeding enemy, for no real reason, used to be ok megatron see you next saturday.

A Kermodian rant for the books, up there with Angles & Demons, Sex & the City 2 and Pirates 3.

This review just gets better with time. It's like a fine wine. . . or another review of a Transformers movie. I'm glad as hell that Jason Isaacs isn't in these movies.

So proud: haven't seen Transformers 2 or 3 and none of the Harry Potters!!! I RULE !!!!!!

Reminds me of when I saw the second film in a pub and the hero robots are saying "give me your face" and ripping faces off other robots, taking them apart piece by piece (hand then forearm then off at the shoulder) and I'm going "mate, stop. You're the bloody good guy!"

i often wonder if movies like this say more about michael bay, or about us as moviegoers. i agree 10000000000000000000000% with this dude! kudos Mark!! and i remember people saying Revenge of The Fallen was the best movie they had ever seen, i'm thinking they are either 12 and under, or haven't seen many movies. anyway, i agree wholeheartedly with Mark.

He was right about 3d as well lol

just saw the movie, I agree with Mark. That said it was spectacular to see, and I suppose thats all people care about

13 Assassins had a 60-minute final battle sequence, and it ruled. Anyways, brilliant rant.

Aaaaah, time to go fetch the popcorn...

These guys are British... I'm American, and if this movies got fast cars, giant robots, and hot girls, I'm chill.

This review is more entertaining than the actual film.

aaaayye!

"No-one who does a 60-minute battle scene has a sense of timing." Takashi Miike, _13 Assassins_...

Mark: "Now, there is a moment in the film, in which one of the characters..." Mayo: "... We do gonna hear a clip." Mark: "... in which...wh... well... no, let's not.

I really cannot believe he actually describes his visual style as "fucking the frame".

I've said it before: when he starts comparing the film's running time to that of 2001: A Space Odyssey, you know you're in for a classic Kermodian rant. and this here is the rant of the century.

@TheThing88: yes, as I pointed out in my post.

You're right, it's 39 minutes long apparently, and I didn't detect any pauses (besides a brief one-liner or Mexican standoff). Still, the point stands - you can make a brilliant action sequence last that long, it's a matter of the ideas and how one handles the pace and timing, and Michael Bay is certainly deficient in both.

@PiperUK most of them.

I agree with most of what Mark is saying, but in Michaels defence i will say that it's true that many theaters forget to raise the brightness when projecting 3D. But the way he asks is very rude, he should have said something like, we would appreciate of you would please turn up the brightness and show 60 frames per seccond to inshure the best 3D wieving expierience

@KeyMasta92 no i dont sorry. There is an old episode of simon and marks old radio 1 show from the year 2000 that someone eles uploaded on youtube.

doesn't the title give away the kind of movie you're going to watch?

I've never seen any of the "critics" actually talk about the character assassination done to all the characters in the movie. It's like they've never had a childhood and understand exactly why the ending is just so wrong.

@c02k10 the phrase is "cluster fuck". But he cant say that on the radio.

as much as i disagree with everything mark kermode says , the guy is hillarious!

@SamHain1031666 The characters end up magically transported to egypt. they're all bad but two makes zero sense really.

A cluster fruitcake sounds like a tasty snack

Although I myself can't see the point of 3D, the fact that both of the hobbit movies are in 3D means the format is probably a loooooong way from dead.

Right first of all Mark, I actually enjoyed Transformers 2 (and before ANYONE tells me I have terrible taste in films, I love movies like Pulp Fiction, The Matrix etc as well), and here we are two years later and guess what... YOU'RE NOT GETTING A BLOODY LETTER OFF ME, because I DO NOT think it's anywhere NEAR as bad as everyone says: not great but fun, and my opinion IS NOT CHANGING because you think it's bad.

I want Mark to interview Michael Bay !!

@SamHain1031666 cant argue with that

@tooyjfwn "one of the reasons being it has some emotional moments with its characters"...... don't even bother, the guy is rain man

@c02k10 Hence the phrase 'fruitcaking the frame' is actually 'fucking the frame'

I just read another scathing review of Transformers 3, and it played in my head in this guy's voice. I think from here on out, everything negative I ever read will be in the tone of this pissed off Englishman.

little disapointed but will re hear it in a week

@Ph0enixAsh That's a nice opinion. Honestly I couldn't give a damn about plot, hidden messages, etc. I only watched this because my friend asked me to. Critics are people who don't have any real talent and rely on public response. So as part of the public, I respond by saying I like movies with hot girls.

Good review, got a few issues 3D's not going down the toilet, quite the opposite.. More directors are using it because they now see it as their defense against VoD.. Producers like it because it brings back more money. In fact it did so well in the cinemas at it's early stages other companies are now pushing for their laptops, mobile phones etc to become 3D Mark's also being extremely politically correct, just out of hate for Bay. Ass shots also attract teenagers, makes sense being a teen film

@nikosvault Fair point, I'm by no means suggeting Transformers is the best movie of the year, I enjoy these movies for what they are - popcorn entertainment, but nothing more. There are some movies which are terrible - like Batman & Robin, one of the worst movies ever. The point I'm making is that one person could think Transformers is good, yet still love classic movies like The Godfather, then you can't really say they are wrong, especially considering everyone enjoys different things.

But if said actors go on to make "the best art-house movie of all time" from the money they earned from starring in this film, wouldn't that be the cinematic equivalent of blood money?

@SamHain1031666 'Skyline' wasn't offensive ... and he liked 'The Island'.

@tooyjfwn Couldn't you then argue that Mark does then, because he seems to think he's always right and whilst I respect him (even though it doesn't look like it), he should accept that he is not the target audience, much like the point I made about The King's Speech. Sorry for appearing like a child, and I can see how it looks that way, but this was something I felt I had to get across.

So, I take it Mark isn't going to be buying the DVD then?

In terms of the comedy, everyone seems to think 500 Days of Summer is funny.... yeah, I don't think so. Finally, yes you could argue you are not the target audience BUT in response to that I say - I am not the target audience for The King's Speech yet I loved it for it's terrific performances. Transformers I enjoy for it's action and I thought the last 60 minutes were epic. The point I am trying to make is that what you say here is your opinion, and I'm saying mine, let's leave it at that!

@Raymint He's clearly been doing it wrong for years. LOL

@benoitismydad No, it SHOULD be a kid's movie. Kermode's point is that something as leery, pornographic and ill-judged as this film is NOT suitable for minor audiences.

I thought Transformers 2 was terrible when it came out and Transformers 3 was even worse in my opinion.

lol.. Waaagh!! dem sound like ork!!

@SamHain1031666 It's a very cheap and crass form of money making and is FAR worse than just being boring. What's even worse is that EVEN after having Megan Fox complain about the fact that she was still being treated like the shiny cars (a whole other movie later), Michael Bay just brushes her comments off, fires her and then brings in a whole new sex toy to be ogled at in an even more leery way than before. So he clearly doesn't care about whether or not he's being offensive either.

A brilliant rant about a truly abhorrent film.

@jd899 At least we got something good out of TF3 then. I personally got fuck all out of the last two. And I'm a big TF fan.

@SamHain1031666 I am not actively offended by Transformers, I'm just aware of the offensive material. Why is it that in a film about human beings defending themselves against a monstrosity trying to end the world, Michael STILL looks for opportunities to leer at women? And why is he doing all this in a kid's film? He's playing toward the sensibilities of teenage boys who wished they could treat women like they do in a porno, and he's doing that because he knows that sex sells.

Cluster-fruitcake?

@SamHain1031666 Dunno if i think it was worse than Transformers 2, but i have to agree that it was one of the worst. Sooooo boring, they use half an hour to get from a big apartment with a big telescope to a little apartment with a small telescope. And then the there´s the ending if you can call it an ending...

@Robkinggozer A sweeter smelling turd is a turd nonetheless.

Secondly, it just so happens your opinion is the popular one going around regarding the second movie. So you are NOT right, that is your opinion alone and nothing more, so would realising that be enough? Apparantly not! With regard to the third movie, I actually enjoyed it, one of the reasons being that is has some emotional moments with the characters, something you seemed to miss out of your review, why am I not surprised.

Cluster fruit cake lol

Man, Mark is so so off on this.

I can proudly say that i've never seen any of this trilogy. I simply refuse to watch anything with Shia LeBitch in it.

It was better than the first 2, Mark should have recognized that. A bit more storytelling, visuals were sharper, some good supporting performances. Ofcourse, it's still a worthless piece of crap movie. As far as the new girlfriend only being there as eye candy, yeah so? that happens all the time in these kinds of movies.

this is the second worst film ive ever seen