“Enough good days to confuse you, enough bad days to break your heart” the instant you said this I cried. I’ve been battling confusion and heartbreak for 6 years. This was the mirror I needed. Thank you Dr. Ramani. I am going to do what I now know I’ve needed to do. Break myself free.

With a mid-range narcissist, it takes longer to recognize exactly what is going on because just when you are hitting your limit, they seem to recognize that and shift their behavior temporarily. And just when you think maybe they "get it"...nope. Faux-empathy is a perfect description.

I was with a mid range narc. His only perceived “empathy” was when he got upset when someone else was suffering (eg disease, loss, etc). On further questioning I realized he wasn’t experiencing empathy for the other person, but when he was thinking “this could happen to ME!” Others thoughts it was empathy. I knew what it really was. My favorite story was when a friend of ours came over who was battling breast cancer. He was perfectly nice to her, but after she left he was mad. I thought he was mad because you could see how much she was suffering, however he said he was mad because she didn’t wear her wig and it made him uncomfortable. He actually said “can you imagine not going out in public and not wearing your wig? That shows lack of concern for how other people feel....it made me so uncomfortable!” What he said left me speechless and upset. When I brought it up to him the next day, he denied ever saying that. But I know what he said and how he acted. Unbelievable!

It really concerns me that lack of physical violence tricks people so well. Because I will tell you, even as someone who had a highly physically abusive ex, there’s nothing more painful than someone attacking your SANITY on a regular basis. Don’t let that fool you into thinking “this is just normal ups & downs” it’s NOT! Not any more normal than someone attacking your physical body!

“Enough good days to confuse you, and enough bad days to break your heart” - grew up with a whole family system like this, only this year have I learned enough to realise I’m NOT the problem (I’m 33). Here’s to healing for us all ❤️

Mid-range narcissists are more self aware than lower range narcissists. They are often driven by money and power.

This reminds me of my father. He was so nice to acquaintances at the store and later on I asked him why he didn't treat me and my sister like that and he told us, "it's because I love you enough to not lie to you." Very confusing thing to hear as a teen.

After a long labor and C section at the end, I was a new mom drained off of all the energy and emotions, devoid of 2 nights sleep, and my high range narcissistic mother in law comes in and says, “Oh, my poor son, he must be so tired. You should go and get some sleep. “ Ignoring and invalidating my whole existence and my mid range narcissistic husband says nothing, just sits there enjoying the attention. I still get tears when I think about it 8 years later.

"But your mom seems so nice." Said to me by every friend I've ever tried to share my frustration with.

Mid range is the most dangerous because of the tactics used to keep you around

I've learned that the empathy only extends to individuals who they can identify with and see themselves in. It is a victim stance. Makes them think about themselves.

My grandma introduced the idea of my mom being a narcissist and I thank God everyday for it. Now, before she did that, we had talked for hours about the messed up things my parents did so she knew I was on the same page. I'm just so glad she pointed me to this channel.

The best thing dr Ramini said about being in a relationship with a narccasist is that "Its like looking in a mirror but nothing is looking back"

“Just enough good days to keep you confused, and just enough bad days to break your heart.” Nailed it.

I have always felt I am in a narcissistic relationship however most descriptions of narcissists are so extreme. This one hit the nail on the head and it really encourages me to get out!!! Thank you.

Oh my God, I’ve never felt more heard in my life. I kept doubting the fact that my ex was a narcissist, because I felt like no one would ever believe me. I have never been been soooo confused and self doubting in my life. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Trying to explain narcissistic abuse to someone who has never experienced it is like hitting your own head up against a brick wall. You learn, if you're not a masochist. This pain is yours, and yours alone, AND IT IS HELL ON EARTH. That is why being abused this particular way is torture and so very alienating.

This IS MY HUSBAND. So glad we’re divorcing. He’s so cruel, just in private. 9 years of him releasing tension and anger on me, just at home. Outside people think he’s so kind and generous, but won’t share money, affection, attention, or give any kindness to me. Years of lying, gaslighting , manipulation and cheating. This really is the truth - it really resonates. So glad I’ve seen this video.

My mother is a covert mid-range narcissist and this hit spot on! -super controlling of schedules -always blows up on holidays (even if everyone was doing exactly what she wanted) -victimized herself in nearly every situation that didn’t play fully into her favor -gaslight, invalidated, and raged at any criticism (punched a hole in the wall after she blew up when I didn’t ask how she was first thing in a morning convo and I refused to apologize for something I did ask a few sentences in) YET -was involved in me and my siblings life and still comforted during hard times (if it happened to be something she agreed with and a good day) -passes off as a very kind person generous person who helps others in public -gives gifts regularly -nearly never will show her dark side in public

My mother. I’ve never felt comfortable or close with her. She neglected me emotionally as a child and chose everyone else over my needs, and now tries to reel me back in as an adult. I can no longer make excuses for her to myself. She was a bad mother.

Trying to out a mid range or covert narc is an exercise in futility. Most people understand the verbal and/or physical abuse that comes with overt narcissism, but the majority don’t “get” emotional abuse and covert narcissism. It’s something you cannot understand unless you have experienced it first hand.

Trying to teach people about narcissism always backfires. They either get it or they don’t. I wish I’d known this earlier. It’s been a long, grueling, lonely road. But the greatest tool is finally knowing it for myself and not taking it on.

This describes my last relationship exactly! I left 11 months ago and went full No Contact. These mid range narcissists could have you end up in a psychiatric hospital! Processing the trauma has been challenging to say the least. The experience will help me spot one and get out sooner. Thank you Dr. Ramani 🙏🏼❤️

This is 100% right on. It’s been 3 yrs since I walked away. I thought I made the right decision, but sometimes I miss the good times interspersed throughout. The snarky comments, subtle put downs, eye rolling, lies, manipulation touch of sociopathy would make anyone run for the hills, but I miss the times it was good. It’s tough and probably the most difficult and heartbreaking relationship I’ll ever have.

It used to amaze me when he could go from raging, yelling, screaming etc; to calm and collected on a phone call.

The way I see it, I don't care if anyone else understands narcissism at this point. I get it, and I want to get as far away from it as I can. Being the understanding empath has caused me a lot of grief through the years. I'm done trying to explain myself or anyone else's bad behavior to others. Thanks Dr. Ramani, you have really helped open my eyes to the reality of narcissism and the damage it can do. Have a blessed day!!!

Dr. Ramani, I am a therapist, and I recommend your channel to my clients all the time. I was in a narcissistic relationship for 10 years. I tend to get probably more than my share of narcissist victims, which I attribute to the law of attraction, as well as my ability to see it where others might not. I also tell my clients that it doesn’t matter if the person meets the DSM criteria. It matters how you are treated and how it affects you. When people ask how to tell if a new love interest could be a narcissist. I tell them not to look at the behavior of the other person because you can always rationalize their behavior. What you need to look at is your own behavior. Are you changing your behavior to adapt to this person. Do you find yourself giving up things you used to do, people you used to see? Do you find yourself questioning yourself and second guessing yourself, and losing confidence? These are the signs that you are in a toxic relationship and it doesn’t matter if that other person is diagnosable or not. Almost everything you said in this video rings true about the experience I had. Especially trying to convince others that the person is a narcissist and it backfiring. And it is really heartbreaking to reach out to therapists and clergy and be told you are the problem. One last thing, sometimes I make the mistake of telling a client they are in an abusive relationship before they are ready to hear it. That also leads to me being attacked by the victim who is still clinging to those “good days.” Thank you Dr. Ramani for this channel!

Also I think its important to recognize that sometimes these people use self-deprecation as a form of attention seeking which is the ultimate red herring. It makes it so hard to pinpoint them because they seem humble in some ways yet so attention seeking in others. Their speech isn't as detectable as being arrogant, it's through their actions they reveal themselves.

Also something I have noticed about the mid range. They always need new things , new cars, new pets, new boats, kayaks, yard equipment. Not because the items need upgrade but because they get board of everything in their life including people.

Devil at home .. and an Angel outside .. I looked like I was ungrateful & unappreciative .. while I was the victim he looked like the victim ..

“ Please stop blaming yourself”… There is so much kindness, understanding, healing and freedom in that one comment alone. Wow. Thank you!!

This video is so on point. My father's narcissism has damaged my mental health in various ways but his occasional empathy and doing the right thing keeps me in a guilt trap of not abandoning him. The struggle is soul crushing. These videos are a divine gift.

I think they have empathy when it suits their agenda, goals, or emotional need to feel good about their self at that moment. But still they can turn their back on you no matter how much you ask for help as well.

I’ve heard a few times just not to listen when he was angry, to just ignore and not take personally. But the psychologic emotional destruction is inevitable. You hear the same thing so many times you start to believe it.

Dr. Ramani can you please dig a bit deeper into how these midrange narcissists impact young children? This video, after spending years now researching and educating myself has confirmed what I already knew about my spouse. Your brief description on how they can be good parents sometimes and others bad, or neglectful is spot on, but I'd really love your perspective on how their behavior may impact young children and as they grow into teens and adulthood. Thank you

Thank you for discussing this midrange narcissistic person. What really nailed it for me as to what I'm dealing with in my marriage is the rage over the slightest perceived slight and the complete lack of empathy, rarely an apology, no guilt (where I felt guilty and on eggshells all the time). I've chosen to stay because it would be too disruptive to my and my child's life to do anything different. Setting boundaries, detachment, self care, and just knowledge thanks to these videos has been the source of staying sane in this situation. Peace everyone.

I tried to tell someone about my ex narcissist. I was told I was suffering menopausal symptoms. Argh.

Yes, he retaliated by telling my friends and family I was on drugs smh. My best friend however, had went through this with her ex husband and she gave me the strength to leave for good. I'm 2 weeks out and I'm still standing strong. Thank God for her and thank God for your videos.

Hi all. Why oh Why is this Beautiful Clarification not Splashed Everywhere.. so we can learn & teach it to our daughters. My first Comment here... Ever on Any sites. Thank you Dr Ramani. This has been my life for nearly 40 yrs. The past 10 months the worst. I've struggled every day in this period with confusion over whether he is N or not. How stupid & ignorant. Seeing this today helped me to understand it. He was triggered by my support of my sister (for 4.5 months) who had brain tumour (massive, and rare, and surgery, comas, Radium therapy). Being 2.5hrs drive away left him at our property feeding animals. He could have visited each week but chose not to. I came home for a few days every week. From here more Learning, Healing & Preparations. There will be more invalidation & and Discard... always is. I love my sister beyond words & I this V. Rare type of cancer will return, as we've been told by each team. I want Time with her & and noonger care about the manipulation of going to see her each fortnight. I also know know that when cancer comes back I won't see better support from him. That breaks my heart too. Everyone's stories are So real. Love to you all xo

Yep. Enough good days to keep you in but enough bad days to affect your health and to keep you confused.

The people who brought me up we're not mild narcissist at all (they were extreme narcissist). However, I remember people in public telling them how "Look, your kids are so polite and they know their manners." It drive me up the freaking wall because nobody knew what the hell happened behind closed doors. I am so grateful I am no longer a part of their lives.

This is S O accurate... and that is exactly what I used to tell him: "I dont understand how and why you choose to be so rude to me, the person you call the love of your life". The rollercoaster, the manipulation, the way people used to greet him with a big smile and always say what a great dad he was, how he would shift blame... I thank God I had a great support system... Needless to say I ended up in therapy... I am so much better now

This series of low/mid/high offers a lot of clarity. I’m really rethinking a lot of my experiences with my sister in a new context. Let 2022 be a year to minimize and eliminate needless suffering as much as possible. Thank you kindly for sharing!

The happy empathy experience is only when he’s looking for an evening of sex. Easy to spot. He listens intently, (not common) he seems concerned on any health issues or may want to help with jobs around the home and on and on…… Thank you so much for speaking on this topic! I’ve learned so much in the last 5 years but rarely hear about the mid-range narcissist. Feels so good to be validated.

My family supported my ex thru our divorce. They say hes a 'Great Guy'! He would never do that! Why, I ask, would I divorce a Great Guy?

Oh yes, mine always said "I'm a nice guy." Despite all his manipulation, financial abuse, and cheating. His "empathy" was always a manipulation tool. Silence was also always his preferred control tool. I realized while with him that only those who had been involved with him intimately would have any clue he wasn't actually a nice guy. He is great at presenting the nice guy image to the world.

Thank you for naming this! I was with my ex-fiancé/son’s father for 10.5 years, and I left him 9 years ago. It wasn’t until after we split that I realized he’s a narc. But even after all this time, I still doubted if he was because he isn’t that hard-core, malignant type. This video confirms it…YES, he is a mid-range type. I used to always say, 70% of the time he’s cool, pleasant to be with, good conversation, etc. But that other 30%…WHOO! The entitlement, arrogance, lack of accountability, emotional immaturity. The emotional manipulation, gaslighting, verbal disrespect, lack of empathy, interrogative questioning, and control. Walking on eggshells bc I never knew when/what would set him off. Co-parenting is half okay, but also half frustrating. It’s taken me years to learn how to manage him and establish strong boundaries. Like, last year I banned him from being able to come into my home. He can drop off and pick up our son, but he cannot come in and hang out. Now I’m making moves to solve the issue of his financial manipulation (finally going to do child support). Then I’ll tackle the final issue of him trying to control my parenting and telling me what to do (things he doesn’t do himself). My goal is to co-parent with as little contact and communication as possible.

I have tried to tell a friend about my husband who was raised by a narcissist and who has shown all the characteristics of a narcissist himself. Now that I know there is a midrange narcissist I would say he falls in that category. After I told our friend about him, and she heard his verbal abuse over the phone , she said, “there are two sides to every story”, it was at that moment, I decided she is not one I can confide in anymore about this.

Enough good days to confuse you. Enough bad days to break your heart. You hit the nail on the head once again, Dr Ramani.

You described my ex EXACTLY. He knew he was an ass but had no self control to stop himself. He was a devil at home but an angel in public. He was constantly playing the victim, lamenting how everyone else got more luck than him. Three decades I and the children endured him. No more.

I'm viewing this in 2024. You said you need validation sometimes, too. OMG. You are brilliant! Priceless to me! And I'm sure to others as well. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

The mask on and mask off is definitely spot on. My step mum turns her charm on in public and can do no wrong. In private she is cold and cruel. That has been very confusing.

I literally was grateful when my family finally did something so bad that it justified no contact.

I have been in the “trenches” with narcissists my whole life (60 yrs). Only understood it once I discovered Dr Ramani a few yrs ago. Thanks for your books and videos! Once I got it, I tried to educate family members-not sure they got it. Hard to resist the urge to educate and change people, but I have stopped. Protecting my precious mental health is my priority!

Once I tried to explain to my cousin why I cut off ties with my mother.I desperately needed someone to understand me.You know what she said: Oh, she is such a nice person, it`s your mother ,how can you say that... etc. Since then I have not tried that again . I love you , Dr Ramani, you brighten my miserable mornings and let me go through the day :)

This is my mother. I've known for a while now, but I can assure you that when you first hear people talk about this or talk to you about the narc in your life you're going to experience a lot of confusion. They cannot love. It is all an act. You MUST learn to love yourself. I remember being a child with an emotionally absent father and a narc mother. It was exhausting and I suffered a disorganized attachment style. I was barely hanging on by a thread. I recieved just ENOUGH affection and love from other people in my life (extended family, friends, babysitters) and my mother's love bombing was just effective ENOUGH to fool me at times that I barely retained my sanity. (Not without scars). I am so lucky and grateful for those other people in my life. And also for the therapists that assisted me.

Yes! This is my soon to be ex husband. It was so confusing. Even in the healing process after leaving I think back and question my leaving because there were good days, but I knew that something was wrong and couldn’t put my finger on it until I found the term Narcissist and started doing an immense amount of research. This video is spot on for my husband. Thank you!

My mother is a mid-range narc. I didn't know that until now. I was really, really confused about how inconsistently she behaved selfishly and in a controlling way. Now I understand. Thanks!

I’m learning so much! I’m 68 and I just figured out that my husband of 49 years is a midrange narcissist. It’s been a journey. The marriage was always a minefield for me. Then, when Trump was elected president and I started reading up on narcissism, bells started going off. Then I heard about covert narcissism, and that was a revelation. We now live in separate houses (Whew! What a relief!) but maintain a modified relationship. We’ve never disagreed much about money, and so I continue to do the bookkeeping, and our finances are together. We have two grown children and their families, including our six grandchildren, and our arrangement puts less strain on family gatherings than when we lived together. It’s still work, but understanding what is happening and maintaining my boundaries now gives me peace. Thank you, Dr. Ramani for your part in that!

Nearly 40 years and nowhere to go. With old age they just get more blatant. Still, at least I now can put names to it all. Thank you!

On the admiration part... my dad's favorite and predictable routine is that my mom spends 2-3 hours preparing a gourmet dinner with multiple dishes. And then he makes his own salad, which takes 5-10 minutes. He sits down at the table, digs into the salad he has made, and loudly and proudly exclaims how delicious it is. I know it would seem absurd to think he could actually be jealous of my mom (?!) for being the one to produce such an excellent meal. But in reality he has such a need to compete and be admired that yes he feels threatened by his own wife who is actually working hard primarily for him....

My mother is like this, she say things such as "I always made sure as a child that you had a voice" yet I remember being told "you're too dramatic" or "you're too sensitive" or when I asked about a problem with something or someone at school "I don't know" or "why don't you pray to God about it." Totally callous and dismissive. My father has a brother who's mentally ill, he's almost 60 years old and has never had a job, when my mother wanted to shame me into line she would compare me to him: "you know, the way you're behaving right now reminds me of uncle X" or "if you don't stop acting like this you're going to end up like Uncle X." Recently my grandmother compared me to Uncle X and my mother told me about it, I told her she does the same thing she said "What?!? I never do that, I've never done that to you! Something is wrong with your memory!" I taught my mother about narcissism because her mother is a narcissist, my mother then turned around and accused me of being a narcissist in order to hurt me, when I was reluctant to comply with one of her demands. My mother sabotages my independence, makes me dependant on her, and then complains about my lack of independence.

You are so so so right about people who cannot understand when we mention narcissism and manipulation. Only those who have experienced may relate to what truly happened...its exhausting not being able to seek help expcept going for counselling session. I am so so lucky that I spot him only a few months in and decided to leave.

This video hit it on the head. I grappled with placing my Ex on the narcissistic spectrum bc he was able to turn on the “empathy” when he knew it was the right thing to do. It read as so genuine but I now see it for the manipulation it was just to keep me as his supply. He could even go as far as admit guilt and wrong doing and apologize. Which really threw me. This video describes my Ex to a T! The perpetual victim, the gaslighting, manipulative emotionally availability, even rage. Definitely the epitome of “too good to leave, too bad to stay”

I would love to hear more on the mid range narc, especially relating to long term illness and disability. So many assume that narcs move into discard mode, but in my case and others of which I’ve become aware, the narc puts themself in the position of a primary caregiver, as it is a position of power and control, where they are praised for their sacrifice.

This resonated so strongly with me. I have been dealing with an alcoholic, and clearly narcissistic husband for nearly 24 years. We reached a breaking point recently and I asked him to leave because of his behaviour at home (rages which caused me and our daughter distress) and he responded with a request for divorce. Before he even left the house, he was talking to his ex-girlfriend (drunkenly without any care about who heard) from 25 years ago about their ‘new life together’. I am still stunned but we will go ahead because now I’m understanding that this will not change. I have struggled with his blaming me for ‘rejecting’ him yet never asking WHY I behaved the way I did. I’m a kind and decent person who finds it hard to hard to hurt others yet I have felt such anger and resentment towards him that I tried to lead a separate life. I know that many of our friends think he is such a great guy, and his family blame me but I now have some confirmation of all my bad feelings, sorrow, etc.. I knew something was wrong but I could never explain it or make him face it. Thank you Dr Ramani.

I LOVE YOU!!!! You are a SAVIOR! YOU SAVED ME AND NY 3 kids lives !!!!! I owe you my life!!🙏🏼😇😍 God bless you Ramani I love you!

Yes!!! This is EXACTLY what I’m experiencing, and now I know why I’m so confused most of the time! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

This really fills in a big piece of the puzzle regarding my spouse and some family members. I could see narcissistic traits, but would ask myself whether they were really narcissists, since they weren’t devoid of empathy. In my wife’s case, I can see the rage, invalidation, and lack of empathy towards me. To others, she appears to be a kind, caring, friendly person. As a side note, she sees me watching videos like this with my headphones on, and complains that I have joined some kind of cult where the person in the video is ‘preaching’ to me.

I remember feeling such a big sense of relief when I came home form school and saw a car I didn't know in front of our house. It meant we had visitors and that meant I could expect a friendly and kind mother instead of the usual narcissist. I've been watching videos about narcissism for years now but I could never put my finger on what kind of narcissist my mum is. This video has changed that. Thanks a lot.

This is the first time I have heard my ex described so accurately. This is him. I got off the roller coaster because even though I loved him I just couldn’t do it anymore. I still love him, but I will never go back to him, beside he started dating two weeks after we split up. I protected him from people really knowing the truth of what happened behind closed doors, everyone loved him outside of the house anyway, no one would have believed me, I would have been labeled the crazy person. He’s not my problem anymore!

I've been listening to Dr R for a year + and this is the video I've been waiting for. THANK YOU. The anguish of this type of partner is so lonely.

You just described him perfectly...most of our friends don't see it but those very close to him do, which is very few of course. 😞

My best friend and I discovered that we both had narcissist moms after years of friendship. We never had met anyone else who understood or validated what we experienced growing up until we had that conversation that connected the dots. We are both keep the peace types and didn’t want to talk bad about them so we went years not knowing how similar our origin stories are. Now we are each other’s cheerleaders on the healing journey and it has been life changing to say the least.

You are explaining my husband. Cries at times especially when he has been drinking. He calls the police on me then sits back when I'm already enraged and he looks like a prince while I look like a raving lunatic

A year after leaving a mid range narcissist I realize how much of my emotional energy I was using to keep my head above water. You totally nailed the description. Some people get it, some people don’t but it’s really my decision alone. It is a hard journey but I often feel free and happy. I am much more discerning about relationships with friends and authenticity is my new mantra. Peace and happiness to everyone living with or recovering from this ultimate mind trap. Thank you for your validation .

PLEASE do a series on divorcing and having to co-parent with narcs. There a millions of families suffering in family courts globally because we and the courts don't know what they are dealing with. Thank you.

Years ago my sister told me about her husband "Well, if you don't know him well, you'd say he's so nice...but when you really get close to him, you'd be saying the opposite". I was suspecting something's off with my brother in law but in retrospect, she confirmed my hunch that he's manipulative & controlling. This duplicity of his behavior is cunningly dangerous because no one would believe her if she tells on him! At parties, he's great...cordial, generous, friendly & humble. But I know something bad lurking behind close doors. I feel sorry for my sister. But she's an adult and she's making a stand with him each year they celebrate their anniversary. It's so dysfunctional because on social media, she's singing praises to him! Now, I'm the one confused. Thank you Dr. Ramani for expounding on this type of narcissism.

As a person who grew up around several narcissists in the family circle, having these videos explaining how it manifests is extremely helpful. I was let down by my emotionally-absent parents and targeted by my older siblings. I was the last one born, so I was the scapegoat who was verbally or physically assaulted regularly for 20+ years. I was the 'baby of the family' who was accused of childishness, entitlement, and hypersensitivity. I was always the one who "started it" (even though I wasn't!) I was the scapegoat because I told the truth as I saw it - I AM a sensitive person -- who got that way by being surrounded by emotionally-stunted baby adults who refused to address their own trauma in helpful ways! I was just gaslighted if I tried to stand up to the abuse, since the entire household was adept at passive-aggression, the silent treatment, and triangulation. My mother is a textbook mid-range covert-communal narcissist, but this was so difficult for me to accept at first because she is a decent grandparent who always "looks good" in front of the wider community. That dichotomy alone caused tremendous self-doubt about the validity of my *lived experience* until I watched this channel and have been educating myself about narcissism. Behind closed doors, my mother has arranged her life to maintain absolute control of everything that happens, rationing her "empathy" in small doses until its obvious pathological scarcity presents itself when someone (usually me) makes an "unreasonable" demand on her time/energy by asking for help. Let's be clear about this. She is not incapable of helping in the ways I might ask for. She is just utterly unwilling to do more than what was "agreed upon," and stubbornly refuses to extend herself in ways that are uncomfortable. Narcissistic much? While growing up, I had to go along with the tenets of the religion *she* chose -- for the sake of maintaining a civil relationship with her while I still lived at home. I still have no clear path out of association with the religious group -- many of whom are narcissistic enablers or abusers feeding my mom's ego. The worst part is the fact that my family members, and the religion enable each other in a mess of complex delusion, meaning that she will never run out of narcissistic supply, even if I go no-contact. I know that as long as she lives, if I even breathe a word about how the religion didn't "cure" any of our family dysfunction, I will immediately be blamed for "starting something," being told "You're remembering that wrong," or "That never happened," or "*You* were always the one who made things worse." It's honestly kind of humiliating that I see myself following many of the same life patterns as she did - including waiting for her own mother's death before divorcing my father and choosing a new religion. She couldn't bear the idea of my grandma losing love for her. I wish I had the confidence and circumstances to break free from all of these toxic relationships, but I find that gray rocking and firewalling has worked very well for minimizing confrontation and feelings of worthlessness that they bring out in me. But it feels so difficult at times when I WANT to share something important with my family members. However, knowing the pattern: that they will judge me, minimize my accomplishments, or shun me -- is enough to keep my boundaries firm.

Been there, done that but walked out eventually. The hardest part was stopping to blame myself, stopping to wonder what I did wrong or what is it about me that attracts these idiots. But your videos has helped a lot towards understanding myself and these toxic people and to spot the red flags very quickly and make a get-away

This is what I was struggling with for years… then one day he was physically violent with me while I was holding our 1yr old… that was the last straw. The fog lifted instantly in that moment and I suddenly could see my life for what it really was. I am happily divorced now. I will never expect to get closure from him so these videos have been so helpful to give me the clarification I need. Thank you for your great work Dr. Ramini.

Enough good days to confuse you, enough bad days to break your heart. Exactly! It all finally makes sense. The maddening thing of it is the dissonance of that random maybe-maybe not alignment of their good days with yours. That's the stuff of the confusion. After almost 5 decades, it finally makes sense.

Wow, dr. Ramani, you are a gift to people like me. Yes, a trillion times yes, I have to deal with the enablers of my narcissist , CONSTANTLY. I always feel obligated to point out the abuse to life long enablers., and I am ALWAYS left disappointed and questioning myself. "Am I just Imaging this?" Is it me who is the narcissist, just trying to divert from my own insanity?" "Do I overreact when I am the focus of the rage?" Then that uncertainty runs laps in my head forever, especially when I try to explain it to others. It almost always results with me looking like the obsessed weirdo shouting out diagnoses. You're doing good work here and it really helps me navigate through the confusion. Thank you

I told my best friend about her narc partner and she doesn't see it. Her sister and me who have both been in narcissistic relationships and can see it have told her, I've forwarded some information which she resonates with but still doesn't think her partner is a narcissist. It's very sad. All we can do is be there until she sees it for herself 😢

I realized that I'm dealing and raised by mid-range narcissists and I was surrounded by lots of enablers too. Growing up was terribly difficult, terrifying, confusing, and excruciating. Indeed, mid range narcissists are very destructive. It made me not know that I exist.

I've been watching these videos nonstop for a month, learning everything I can to gain insight on the hell that is narcissistic abuse, and I thought I had my partner pegged. But THIS! I haven't come across the mid-level narcissist yet in the play list and it completely knocked the wind out of me. I think this category of narcissistic behavior can leave those on the receiving end feeling that much more confused, hurt and betrayed because you're blindsided everytime they flip the script (or at least I was). Just enough to make you feel safe before breaking your heart and your spirit over and over again. Everyone loves him, he was great at family dinners (IF he could be dragged out of the house, often cancelling at the last second, despite making a big show of exaggerated excitement to my family about going, and leaving me to explain away his sudden absence). No one knew about my hyper vigilance, constantly on alert for anything going on around us that would ruin his good mood, working overtime to anticipate his every need and adjust myself accordingly. God forbid he ever be mildly inconvenienced. Then, sadly, three years ago his brother and best friend was brutally murdered and he absolutely had an honest to goodness mental breakdown that ultimately resulted in a swift transition into full on malicious narcissism with a heaping side of paranoia and delusions about being infested with bugs. My world suddenly took a sharp left turn, and what was once an okay marriage to a tedious person became an absolute nightmare that left me wide eyed and stutter shook for the first year after his brothers death. My husband was gone, I was left to carry us on my own because he couldn't work, yet he REFUSED to get help. Instead, it was apparently my duty to sit with him while he would tell me about what kind of worms were in his body, where they were, and ask me to feel various parts of him and then scream at me because I obviously couldn't feel anything. It was literal hell on earth for two straight years, and it changed me forever. The last year we were together, he stopped talking to me about any of that and "bottled it up for my sake," which I never asked him to do. I begged him daily to do the opposite and let me help him bring it to someone who could help because life shouldn't have to be that hard. Of course he didn't, and the delusions subsided, but I was badly bruised and battle worn by then. I pitied him more than I loved him, and even that devolved into resentment for his refusal to seek help, return to work, and the ramped up narcissistic behavior, all of which was aimed at me from the second I woke up, all day at work via nasty text message, until I feel asleep exhausted and bitter. I finally left in February and I've give completely no contact. I'm so messed up from the whole thing. Counseling is certainly in order.

Wow, perfectly describes my my 30 year marriage to a mid range narcissist. Passive aggressive silences, blame shifting, one sided conversations, chronic woe is me mentality. If only you could, … things would be better. The rest of the world sees the “he’s a good guy” version while I feel I live in a emotional void. I tried explaining this to a mutual friend who now things I’m unhinged. After a public scandal of an affair in our shared workplace and over 12 years of marital and individual therapy, the word narcissist finally came up. That alone helped me deal with the cognitive dissonance which was destroying my mental and physical health. Thank you for your videos on narcissism. Awareness is the first step toward the light! The punchline to the whole situation is that he’s a psychiatrist.

I tried pointing our narcissistic behavior in general to someone and their response was to point the light at me. I was holding narcs accountable in a general sense, not mentioning any names, and this person got defensive and deflected. I knew at that point it was a lost cause. I won’t stop trying to warn people but I will have to stop using the word narcissist. Unfortunately, unless someone has experienced it, narc abuse is beyond people’s ability to grasp and understand and empathize. They really just do NOT get it. The level of mind fuckery is beyond description so victims or survivors are viewed as weak or unstable.

Thanks for covering this less extreme manifestation of narcissism. I think that low- to mid-range narcissism often co-expresses with traits such as emotional immaturity, and it also leaves some space for the person’s good traits to appear from time to time, which makes it more tricky to deal with in some ways.

THIS, right here. Spot on! It's like you were talking about my relationship.

There is so much clarity in your videos. It just puts everything in place for people struggling with it for years! Especially the mid range ones. You’re right about not trying to explain to other people about the situation one is in. It boomerangs because most people don’t get it. They see the narcissist as a kind great guy because they are so good them and that’s all that matters to them. Engage with deeper people . living with a narcissist you cannot have a ‘normal’ social life. That’s it. It’s like making a fool of oneself instead. You feel like a nobody and disregarded in every gathering because you’re always been watched and corrected. Till you decide to not go out at all and that would suit the narcissist so much also. I’ve learnt with years after my entire friend Circle shrunk drastically ..well rather it’s finished! No phone calls no chats with friends as they all see me as an odd one rather. You are left ALONE. And till you realise it’s so late even when the whole puzzle is put together you feel numb. Dr Ramani your videos are a life saver. Thank you so much putting out such excellent content for the world. 🙏🏻♥️

Incredible insight into the truth of living with a Jekyll & Hyde. Thank you for sharing this.

Audio has improved ☺ awesome, thanks!

Oh, my God! The exact moment that bell rings inside our minds!!! Those enough good days were what, even after months of studying your videos, made me still be unsure of some things, definitely checking if I wasn’t being really bad for thinking my parents could be narcissists and that it is all on me. Wow. How can I thank you, dr. Ramani? 🥰

Wow. You just explained my husband to the T. I finally figured this out thanks to you but 2 children later tho. I’ve tried marriage counseling and of course didn’t work out esp when his faults were found out. After this happened he just stopped showing up. He is very caring about how others view him outside of the home. It has to very much be “I’m the good guy”. Person. Very frustrating. I began to believe that there was something wrong within him and it was nothing that I could change or be different about myself to have him love and respect me for anything. Over a decade later I have finally discovered that there’s a name for ppl with such ways. Thank you so very very much for sharing your amazing and vast knowledge on these subjects. I truly truly do appreciate you and your staff. 🙏🙏🙏😊🥰🙏🙏🙏

If only this video had been available 2 years ago. I spent AGES confused, thinking I was making this up.. trying to piece together an understanding that this concept might exist for real. And here it is. THANK YOU for showing me that my life really happened!

Great point. The blame shift and the silence treatment are classic rolls they play.

Telling people I was being manipulated by my roommate and “best friend” lead to everyone telling me to be the “bigger person” and I was wrong for doing everything it took to get away. I lost a lot of friends, but if you tell people someone is hurting you and that’s not enough for them to believe you, just withdraw from them, and move on. “I am hurt by what this person did” should be enough. Victims should not have to re-traumatize themselves trying to get someone to believe them, especially friends and family.

Yes to it all. My husband manages to pull out the tiniest bit of empathy when my kids are around. I see right through it , they think he is great but at times I know they see through it too. "Not today" is my mantra but someday I'll make the move to divorce.

Can narcissistic behaviors rub off on someone else? I feel like being married for 8 years to a mid range narcissistic and I’ve picked up some bad habits. Almost like I had to mirror his behavior so I could cope. Now that I’m out, I feel like I’m detoxing and finding myself.