If you say something to close to the truth, they act like you have said something to hurt them and they are angry and hurt by what you said and treat you like you have done something that is so wrong that they can't be in the same room with you anymore. They want to make you feel as guilty as possible because you have said something so true.

Repeated acknowledgment to you for being a solid anchor in navigating these treacherous waters around these narcissistic attacks, Dr. C., is continued, sincere appreciation for being a sober advocate for us around these dangerous and deadly 'n'er do wells.'

This is what ticks me off the most, when the narcissist behaves like he is so smart and that I am an idiot. I am so much more educated and intelligent. Being delusional is helluva thing.

I love Dr. Carter's voice.

I was made to feel so confused that I thought I was going loopy. AND, because I was reacting, it was ME being aggressive. After 2yrs of marriage I was wrongly diagnosed with postnatal depression when I could cope fine with my baby. It was my ex's inability to cope that caused problems 😳

When he comes home every Friday. It feels like nothing I do is right or enough. 47 years of not knowing what love and kind words are. Listening to you, I have grown in to finding out I am not living a normal life of marriage. But one of a slave an property. Constantly defending myself is exhausting.

WHY DEFEND THAT WHICH NEEDS NO DEFENSE?? THANK YOU, DR. LES!!! I needed to hear that! I was so confused and now am working on sorting it all out. You are so crucial for my growth and understanding of the past 2 years when I had thought I had finally found true love only to have it all come crashing down in a horrific smear campaign by someone I thought was an upright, loving and caring Christian. You are helping me see him clearly so I could step away from so much confusion and start to put my life back together. Last night my eldest son called and he said, "Mom, you sound great and happy and this is the best you have sounded in months!" Thank you for all of your help and I still have a long ways to go. But, I am slowly not letting the LIAR define who I am. Fortunately, my friends and family keep reminding me that no one who knows me would ever believe his vile declarations regarding me. May God continue to bless you. YOU help so so many of us to grow and to be free to be who we are. THANK YOU AND THANK YOU !!!!!!!

"Be aware of a narcissist that tries to apologize to you only to take them back/forgive them, but then turn around and blame you for it. It's never genuine with them! 💙KZfaqr That Helps People Overcome Toxic Relationships "

My narc older sister, who has always thought she's right about everything, used to "move the goalpossts". This meant that as soon as I thought I was doing the right thing, she would change the criteria so I'd be wrong anyway. If, for example, I wore a smart dress to a lunch, she'd say 'oh we're just casual here' but if I dared to turn up in jeans, she'd be horrified.She would switch back and forth all the time so I could never work out what was going on.

The more I learn about this condition, the more I believe it's an adaptative response to a complex reality they don't understand (hence, fear) because they are underdevelopped adults. They probably never attained adulthood and maturity for various reasons : being over indulged, traumas and/or brain impaired. Like a toddler at a NASA conference trying to convince the audience his toy is the next spaceship to invest in. 😂 The biggest gaslight narcs do is to make others believe they are normal people, and they have to sell us that in whatever way possible (charming, lying, tantrums, etc.).

What confused me, for decades, was WHY my greatly loved daughter, with whom I'd enjoyed a close relationship, grew to hate and distrust me through her teen years and, as an adult, cut me off as "dangerous". Other family members rejected me too, though we lived in different countries and hadn't seen one another for years. I loved them all so much and thought they'd loved me. Now, decades later, I finally understand that it's because they were told terrible lies about me, and then I reacted emotionally to rejection, false accusations, contempt, etc. I pleaded, cried, defended myself indignantly, tried to please them, etc, and it "proved" to them that I am "mentally unstable". Now I understand, it breaks my heart all over again, to think how hard I tried, in the wrong ways, and contributed to the damage by tolerating their abuse for so long while my covert mother was orchestrating it on purpose. Worse, I didn't protect my other children from her and confused them by teaching assertiveness in other situations, but being a doormat to my mother and daughter, and other flying monkeys. I am amazed that my husband and other children stuck by me through all that. They were punished by the bullies too. (We searched for help ... read books, did parenting courses, tried counselling, but never discovered what narcissistic abuse is and what to do, till 40 years later.)

After a year of living in blissful peace, I just noticed I’m dealing with another one at work. I’ve set a firm boundary with this person. I’m not 100% certain I would have known to do this without the teachings and insight of Dr. Carter. Boundaries: my new favorite word. Keep learning cause they show up when you least expect it.

Gloria Gaynor’s song popped in my head when you were talking. I hadn’t heard it in decades, albeit I think it truly fits. Dr. C, your work is eye opening! Thank You! At first I was afraid, I was petrified Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side But then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong And I grew strong And I learned how to get along And so you're back From outer space I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face I should have changed that stupid lock, I should have made you leave your key If I'd known for just one second you'd be back to bother me Go on now, go, walk out the door Just turn around now 'Cause you're not welcome anymore Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye? You think I'd crumble? You think I'd lay down and die? Oh no, not I, I will survive Oh, as long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive I've got all my life to live And I've got all my love to give and I'll survive I will survive, hey, hey It took all the strength I had not to fall apart Kept trying hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart And I spent oh-so many nights just feeling sorry for myself I used to cry But now I hold my head up high and you see me Somebody new I'm not that chained-up little person still in love with you And so you felt like dropping in and just expect me to be free Well, now I'm saving all my lovin' for someone who's loving me Go on now, go, walk out the door Just turn around now 'Cause you're not welcome anymore Weren't you the one who tried to break me with goodbye? You think I'd crumble? You think I'd lay down and die? Oh no, not I, I will survive Oh, as long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive I've got all my life to live And I've got all my love to give and I'll survive I will survive Oh Go on now, go, walk out the door Just turn around now 'Cause you're not welcome anymore Weren't you the one who tried to break me with goodbye? You think I'd crumble? You think I'd lay down and die? Oh no, not I, I will survive Oh, as long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive I've got all my life to live And I've got all my love to give and I'll survive I will survive I will survive

Thank you Dr. CARTER AND TEAM HEALTHY ON THIS CHAT THIS MORNING. We learn always from Dr. CARTER . Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Much love to your wife and family and Gus and all team healthy. Have a good week .❤️🙏🌄

When I go to tell my narcissistic (soon to be) ex-husband something I feel (especially relationship wise), he will say, “Now what did you see on some TV show that you got that from?” Or he will say, “Did you get that idea from looking at some couple off of Instagram?!?” And he will just smirk it off. It’s like I can’t just have my own thoughts, ideas, opinions or beliefs, instead I must have gotten my ideas somewhere else. It’s basically saying that I can’t have any “outside” influence on myself, instead it needs to be what he regulates into the relationship.

Thank you Dr. C. You gave me another wise saying to embrace: stop letting the narcissist be in charge of my "feel good" comittee. I am in charge of that. Simple, but awesome!!!!

"One core truth: Why defend that which needs no defence?" - Be descriptive in one's thinking, rather than judgmental. - If someone is threatened by your uniqueness, take that into account, but hold on to what makes sense to you and in so doing, sidestep the judgment. Thanks, Dr C.

"If the word 'love' didn't exist, how would you describe how you feel about me?" An interesting way to examine a relationship.

Their own inner confusion and instability makes it a compulsion for them to attempt to add chaos and confusion to every normal event or activity.

So grateful ❤ to be part of Team Healthy!! This has changed my life!! Thank you Dr C. For all of your pod casts and information. Your amazing work has helped me to cut myself free of the barbed wire and Narcissistic situation that held me captive. God Bless you for helping me to seek my own freedom!!!

Marriage is overrated. Most don't last. What it boils down to is paying for someone's company and the exchange rate isn't worth it.

Didn't realize being on the receiving end of narcissistic abuse, that I was dealing with a fear of punishment but that one rang a bell.

Appreciate the insight that leads to perspective that leads to healing.

If I had ever suggested to my ex that he was hurt and insecure, he would have laughed it off and then found a way to punish me. Even when you try to be compassionate towards them, they misinterpret concern as criticism. Any words or actions that do not enthusiastically support their agenda are seen as problematic, and they will make the "offender" pay one way or another.

At about the 28 minute mark you talk about love and what people who love have in their lives. You gave GREAT counsel by offering us to write down what people who love really do. Often times we want to do something but don't know what to do. We can become the good.

The narcissists in my life love to put words in my mouth that I never said to them. In the past, before I had this education I would have thought that I actually said that. I had no idea what gaslighting was and how it affected the way I related to others and trusted myself. Now that I have been educated on covert narcissism and the gaslighting, and word salad tactics that they use, I am able to confidently say "No, I never said that to you." But what I don't understand is were do they come up with saying you said something you never said? Do they just feed themselves this lie to justify their bad behavior? Or is that just another form of gaslighting?

You have no idea dr Carter how thankful and grateful I am for you and the helping hand you are giving to us! God bless you!

I remember being repeatedly taught that I don’t listen since childhood , so I learned to be an excessively good listener and got punished for being a very good listener and having a good memory and the pattern starts over

You're absolutely phantastic! I've watched hours and hours on this subject. You are so clear, concise, calling a spade a spade and none of: This is how you get back at them.... And you're very empowering truth for us to see and take responsibility to act on for ourselves! You're the greatest!!! Thanks so much Mary-Lou from Melbourne, not Florida

I'm sooo tired of the secrecy and confusion. When I, against my better interests, call it out or try to speak about my thoughts and feelings, I'm called selfish and crazy. It does beat you down after decades of this. Boundaries and listening to the message of my pain will be my ticket out of this family.

It's so awesome when I got to the point where all that narcissistic abuse didn't affect me the same as before. The more knowledge I received, and with becoming hardened from all that abuse, I don't care what anybody says, the only opinion that counts is mine. I still listen to people, but the abusive ones, I let them fade...

Yes, they think you are stupid. It is when they mistake your Kindness for Weakness, the Truth prevails.

Sr Carter's definition of narcissism being the absence of love is so spot on. It sums it up perfectly.

Thank you so much Dr. C! I retained a lot from today's live video. I wondered if you had done a rundown on the stage of devalue/discard in a Narcissistic relationship. I'm still working through the hurt and anguish caused by the hostile treatment I endured.

Terrific video today. Learning to trust my own judgment and not second guess myself constantly has been a big problem. Your encouragement today to trust myself changed my thinking from I need to question myself to its okay to trust myself.

I've only just discovered there is something called 'situational narcissism'. That helps a lot. It's a relief to find out that not everyone I've encountered who acts like a narcissist is actually a full blown narcissist.

Dr. C, thank you so much for this session because you said something powerful (as usual!) and healing. You made it clear that you don’t have to try to convince the narcissist that they have twisted the truth or that they are wrong about you. It just won’t work, and that is what I needed to accept. I have been separated from my spouse for many months now (after 30+ years of marriage) and I still try to keep analyzing why I couldn’t help him see that I was not being the stupid or mean person he made me out to be. I was made to feel so confused about things that took place (i.e. a terrible shouting match he had with our grown daughter) even though I personally witnessed it. I also genuinely knew his pain from his childhood and constantly asked him to consider therapy. I deal with the guilt that I couldn’t fill the “hole” in his heart but I just could not survive the constant anger, gaslighting, and manipulation of the truth anymore. And I needed to “find myself” again. Your videos have been a guiding light out of that darkness. So grateful for you and all you do, Dr. C. -Lynn

"Live into it" Now THAT is great way to get the most out of your Life! Thank You again Dr. Carter for your practical guidance and insights. 💜Love from Costa Rica🌺

I am so grateful for all of your videos Dr C.Thankyou. Especially today's video it cleared a lot more of the fog. Thankyou so much

Absolutely love the weather today here in Fort Worth! Thank you for your wisdom…

My ex wife refused to talk about anything financial, or goals for us economically. Refused to start a 529 program for our children. That is a college savings program. She would emphatically state, “NO!” Each birthday I’d ask again to hear the same,”NO!” Would not talk about it. Very judgmental!

A quote from William Shakespear: A fool thinks himself to be wise, but a wise man knows himself to be a fool. So the good news is whenever we are suffering from confusion while often having to be around a narcissist it is going to be only temporary from time to time because we can admit to ourselves when feeling that confusion when we are asking for help instead of us often blaming everyone else for our errors being made during that confusion. Not so with the narcissist who is more at risk than we are as they age of slipping deeper into confusion all the time while being in denial about it.

Vital information given to us today! I am feeling better and better and better. I soon might even be able to say I am a part of Team Healthy. LOL

That was a great video and always appreciate the great wisdom to move forward in my life. Thank you for your support Team Healthy and Dr. C.

23:00 Thanks. The pain serves a purpose. Walk and protect yourself. I’ve told an abusive sibling not to contact me, but she keeps coming back. I guess a restraining order is the only answer.

Thank you so much Dr.Carter for you are so very right about these sick and hateful people.

Thank you for being here, Dr. C. I come here whenever I need reminding of the reasons I left. "Why defend that which needs no defense?"

"Love" -- my Dad told me "I love you" ONCE-- EVER. It was the last words he said before he passed away in a nursing home. But after 41 years of abuse, I couldn't respond, other than to say, "I'll see you." "Taking notes" -- 6 months into working for my current home care clients, the older guy suddenly BLEW up at me and spent the next 30 solid minutes bad-mouthing every single thing I had said or done over the previous 6 months. At the end, I wound up apologizing for something I hadn't done. His younger partner really did not want to lose my help, and "explained" the older guy was "frustrated" because after a lifetime of being active, he found himself in a far more limited situation. However, that day I realized that the older guy WAS NOT a "nice" person, and after listening myself for 6 months, I knew from his own words and stories he'd told me, that he NEVER WAS. I also know just how "frustrated" I am in my own life, but I have NEVER acted toward anyone else the way this guy did, then tried to use "frustrated" as an excuse. He lost the right for me to take him seriously after that day. It's amazing I'm still working for these guys, it's been 3-1/2 years now.

Thank you for your continued support and encouraging words. You have helped me so much and I really appreciate that. I hope you have a great day and I look forward to your next video. 😃🙏🌱

I appreciate you so much, Dr. C! The Lord bless you and everyone you love.🕊🙏🏻

Thanks Dr. C. Similar to a story you spoke of earlier. I was shocked, confused, unsure, and afraid of my now spouses family. They are...kinda healthy! Sure they have their moments (human and all). But they are open to evolving, they appear to resolve things, they respect each others opinions and wishes, they genuinely care and are there for each other when someone is in genuine need, they just want each other to be themselves. It took me years to become comfortable with this way of relating. My relationship with them highlighted without exception (not that I needed any more proof), just how chaotic, entitled, unhealthy, toxic, and unaware my biological family are.

Hello Dr. Carter 🌷Why does narcissist s provoke on topics we have set boundaries when they know it pushes us away? Thank you for your teachings.

I've had to defend my thoughts and feelings my entire life im exhausted now that I realize I had not one but two narcissistic parents im so happy to find this channel...I love to learn and grow and I've been stiffled for so long😟 however I've always had a strong belief and confidence in myself thank God The worst part in my world is not one other person sees what I see she saves it for me only ( lucky me) my mother is so kind and nice to everyone else🙄

I KNOW FROM EXPERIENCE THE ONLY WAY TO DEAL WITH A MALIGNANT NARCISSIST IS TO GO NO CONTACT IF /WHEN AT ALL POSSIBLE!!! ...YOU CAN NEVER WIN WITH THEM NO MATTER WHAT U DO. THEY ALWAYS BEAT YOU DOWN.😩😩😩😩AND THE MORE YOU TRY THE MORE THEY SLANDER YOU AND ONLY CAUSE YOU MORE UNPROVOKED AND VERY UNNECESSARY GRIEF.

😊hello team healthy!

My nex would have odd moments - he'd say he's "really crap" or "can't cope" etc but then the mask would go back on and I'd get raged at if I brought it up again. we had a couple small breakthroughs about his childhood but same thing happened again. one time, he was beating up the sofa saying he hates his parents and wishes he was dead. It passed, but I wondered if it was genuine. he definitely had issues, but by leaving our marriage, he avoided having to deal with them 😔

Dr. Carter, when I became a parent my mom really intensely started to second guess me, act in a supervisor role, encourage me to doubt myself and shame me for wanting to spend time with my in laws. I wonder if others have experienced this. My encounters with her often left me shaken and unable to be fully attentive to my children afterwards, I would be stuck thinking about all that went wrong in my encounter with my mom. I also feel like I didn't know that part of parenting was allowing children to experience some frustration and helping them learn to handle it, rather than trying to make things always only smooth and perfect. My task was always to fix my moms problems and to listen to her crying, to be her sholder. It is like she competed with me in many ways. Please share thoughts if you can on being a parent after you have grown up in a home trying to placate a possibly narcisstic parent

You continue to strengthen not just me , but all of us with your wisdom and caring knowledge. I thank you from the bottom all the way to the top of my heart Dr.C! 🥰 I always love the connection on Team Healthy!

Today I went to my college to snag an alumni gift bag that I missed out on because my truck died the night before Homecoming. I arranged to meet the director of alumni services and sit through a chapel service. I had never gone to Chapel there, as I attended evening classes and worked full time back then. The speaker today taught (from Ephesians 4:2) on relationships. Very appropriate for young college students (and even an old former student). He started with the truth that marriage isn't universal, but relationships are. The message taught some factors of good relationships. What to look for, as well as what to develop in yourself in order to have good relationships (whether in a marriage or not). Then I came home to watch this stream. I am still grinning. Edit to spell "arranged" correctly.

They will never grow so do yourself a favor and get away from them as soon as you can, Don't waste your life because you think they might grow ,because they won't do that ever.

You are so classy. We appreciate YOU. I'm divorced from mine and remarried to a prince of a man. However, there are scars and responses that I still work on. Thanks for your work.

It is a priceless resource Dr. C has created, with ongoing daily reinforcement, and unlimited and forever access to knowledge and information, that I am personally and forever grateful for...

Thank you Dr Carter

Descriptive: talk about what's happening and how we feel without projecting to others what is our responsibility to deal with. Judgemental: projecting, calling names, no accountability, manipulation to force up defensiveness in others. Yes, this was revolutionary for me. Always learning. Edit, jeez wrote it wrong before.

Thank you so much. These topics are so spot on. Recovery from this pain takes time and I’m giving myself that. It’s a good thing. Healing, moving forward. When we are in mediation I see how fearful he is, and the victim he plays. It’s really just a matter of closing out the chapter, he had a second life, now you are able to have it. Close this door, I am deserving of that.

Long live DR Les Carter!

“ why defend that which needs no defense?” So so basic. How have I overlooked that for 59 years? Thank you.

I have decided that whenever I feel confused, there is a high likelihood I'm encountering a narcissist!!

Nice people can be like stepping into a mildly warm bath when your feet are icy cold - it feels like the water is boiling hot (when it isn't). And so it can be very difficult to cope with nice people (after prolonged exposure to toxic people) because it feels too intense.

Thankful for this video thank you for the comments section

They attack in the moments that they are not able to uphold the false superior self,like a cornered wounded animal's natural survival instinct.

Thank you Dr. Carter

That's it, they don't want you to think well of yourself

Thank you Dr. C!

Dr. Carter thank you so much for opening up my heart to realize why I have questioned my own opinions and my own hurt feelings trying to get validation from a Dad that never heard me & kept me confused. I never learned how the game was played. My sister & I were tricked, we never learned about how others can confuse us to use us. Much Love to You and your Wife & Gus for being loving & kind to all of us.

I had a laugh at the 40 degree weather, as it's over 90 here, & I'm just miserable LOL. Bless Gus. I know he enjoyed the walk. Each question was relevant for me. I'm working on myself. The assertive vs agression is a big one right now. After being with a Narcissist for 34 years, who was extremely intelligent & an alchemist with words, I lost my sense of how to react in given situations. I would go the easy way & it was aggressive. I'm practicing the other way. Baby steps & slow. You're such an inspiration & hope after so much. My 💖 breaks when I hear the struggles of others. When I feel like I'm going to lose it, so to speak, when I'm around others, I repeat a mantra, that the person standing next to me might be going through the worst day of their life. It helps me to not react with agression. Thank You again.

Thank you for teacing us normalcy.

Thank you Dr. C for helping me get back to my healthy self. After spending more time than is wise with a very unhealthy manipulative mean family member. I start thinking how confusing and hard it is to be around this person. Thanks for helping me get past the confusion and understand a better way.

Wow and ❤️‍🩹 to the person who said, “ I thought a few minutes of non-abuse was a man’s love” … every woman who has experienced domestic violence needs to hear this. Girls with narcissistic and abusive fathers grow up thinking this is normal and get into similar relationships; you make an excellent point: ITS NOT. Also, @SurvivingNarcissism @DrC …. I recently coined a new term after dealing with my father for 40y… It’s called the “boomerang” because my father is so egocentric that I could tell him, hey dad I’m lying here half dead on the road and he would just say, yea I’ve been dealing with xyz etc. It’s so hurtful but I just make a little joke now, knowing that I’ll never get any love or empathy from him, and say (in my head) … boomerang! Sometimes laughter is the best medicine. ❤️❤️ to all the “girls” who have abusive narc boomerangs for fathers.

Through 10 yrs of marriage to a narc I was terrified of forgetting to flush the toilet. Yep. PTSD.

Good presentation!! TU. Love to Gus!

Missed you #teamhealthy❤

Pertinent and working through pain appropriately

I appreciate your calm approach. I am learning to feel calm more often than alarm!

30:38 this is golden advice. I am going to take this to heart ❤️ Thank you.

Thank you. 🙏 ❤

We have an Air Quality Advisory here in Olympia, Washington State USA, due to our many wildfires. Visibility at 08:00 Hours PST was ~ 500 ft, Dr. Carter. Thank you for all you do, Sir.

Good Morning* I'm in Texas also. Temple* Thanks for your videos*

Hi Dr C, I’m from Melbourne Australia 🇦🇺 and I love listening to your videos. I’ve learnt so much. I’m 61 years old and have ptsd from narcissist abuse over the years. What I struggle with are the triggers that can occur when not expected and the next day I’m an emotional mess as well as overeat to numb my stress. Thankyou again for doing your videos. 🤗🙏

When the narcissist couldn't reach me "to make me pay for being me," he went after my dying mother most viciously (because he knew it would hurt me), deceptively, fooled everyone who wasn't near him during days & nights. He worked overtime to get her to die fast so he could change their will and omit me only while leaving siblings in who kissed his vile manipulative ego for the inheritance! Never underestimate an experienced narcissist.

Mine is years with this narcissist husband for over 11 years! I'm done!!! Divorce is in the works! Cant wait to live in peace, joy and freedom! God, my kids and me!!!!

I believe I possess all the love traits you mentioned, and I love to do things for others that I know will make them happy. Although, I don’t EXPECT it to be reciprocated, I’m hurt when it isn’t sometimes. What does that say about ME?

The narc in my life vacillates between thinking I am stupid (85%) and uncaring/evil (15%).

Thank you for this awesome reprogramming. I need it so much.

This was very helpful, thanks Dr. C.

Thanks Dr Healthy!

🗣📢💞🎯💪🙏🕊💕 no words. Well tuned and timed. I just got pulled out of a ditch. It's been an adventure filled morning. We are here. One more day to try and get it right. 🙌 don't need to get wrapped up in other folks angst..I have enough of my own. Its my own personal circus. Only, we don't do monkey ladder experiments. . But these opposable thumbs are capable of muscle memory. It's pretty cool. Emotional memory that triggers physiology which engages chemistry and nature VS nurture. Why do they have do be VS. ? Why can't we all just get along. ?

Thank you!

Why do they demonize everything? Ballet...expression...or dancing for example. They're so possessive and judgemental.

Exeptional, Doctor! Thank you so much!