My mom also killed herself when I was 18 (2 years back). It’s never been the same since. I relate to everything you said. You’re a beautiful person ❤

Depression is a killer. I remember a therapist friend of mine who described it as, your brain is trying to kill you, and you have to try to not listen to it.

Thank you for being honest about dealing with trauma and the loss of a parent, especially a mother. I lost my mother suddenly and always miss her especially when I got married, had children etc. You are right that the missing deepens over time, not lessens. I always tell those who grieve this analogy: if grief was a square in a box the square stays the same shape, but the space around it in the box gets bigger over time. You have done an amazing job to handle this at such a young age. A testament in part to Sweden's progressive approach to mental health care. If only all countries could understand why paying high taxes results in a kinder and better society.

Your mom would be proud of you.

My younger sister jumped from our apartment building roof when I was 18, she didn’t die but became paraplegic and is on a wheelchair for life. I am 48 and that was 30 years ago, and it has been the most difficult life changing and wisdom creating experience of my life. She is actually doing well and I am so grateful for her! Thank you for sharing your story, I couldn’t talk about it to anyone for the first ten years.. Much love❤

I am pretty triggered watching your video.💔 And I'm so sorry for your loss. You look like your beautiful mother. My dad died suddenly when I was 10, on Halloween night, and it has taken me 34 years to process it. Losing a parent transforms your life in unimaginable ways. Thank you for your suggestions, insight, and vulnerability. 💖

my dad passed a way 8 years back now my mum has dementia and its horrible I am sad everyday , thank u for this

I'm giving you a viral hug 😢 thank you for being so open and sharing this with the world.

Excellent and brave video for dealing with any kind of grief. Thank you.

I still talk to my mom all the time. She gives me signs too that she's around...sometimes screaming at me, and I giggle to myself knowing it's her. It takes some patience and practice, but if you're open, you'll know when the signs start to show up. She's always with you. 💗

I understand you because when I was 17 y/o, my mom died due to diabetes. By that time, I was totally broken. I can remember thinking about how my life would be if my mom died years before her death when I was much younger because it also happened to one of my classmates, and the idea was terrifying. When she died, I couldn't believe it was happening, it was one of the worst moments of my life. Even today, I miss her a lot. People say we never forget our mothers, and I think it's true. Sometimes I imagine her alive and how my life would be. It was quite difficult to accept that she was no longer her, but eventually I managed to deal with it somehow

💔, that was difficult listening, but for various personal reasons I'm glad I did listen. Your talking about this will help many many people watching. Talking is good! Thanks for being so brave and talking so deeply about something so difficult and personal. The fact that you had immediate support to therapy at the time is a real thumbs up to Sweden. I know many here in the UK who have lacked access to therapy or just don't know how to deal with traumatic situations and making that first approach for support/therapy. Keep talking, I will certainly keep watching.❤

My Mom passed away when I was 36 and I felt cheated. That was 17 yrs ago! I still cry at least once a day! Sometimes it's an all out bawl fest other times it's a few tears until I successfully train my thoughts on something else! You are a brave young woman! I can't even imagine losing her at the ripe young age you were! You are doing well and coping better! You're Mother wants that for you as do I! It is a battle but we are Strong!

I lost my Mum to suicide when I was 10. I was holding it together until you said your last point about missing your mum. The grief never goes away. Something to be said about girls growing up without their mums that is particularly hard. Though I know our dads would have done their best. Thank you for sharing.

That's really rough and you give solid advice.

The passing of our Mom is the hardest day of our lives. From there onwards, you know that no matter how hard punches life throws at you, you can deal with them.

I am so sorry to hear the loss of your beautiful mum😢May her beautiful soul Rest In Peace🙏❤️

dear Johanna you are a beautiful women, god bless you. I lost my Mom aged 15 ... now I am 73 and still have daily sad moments for all the shared times we have missed, being with my children, grandchildren, vacations and just talking, always the talking. please take care of yourself and thank you for sharing such an intimate part of your life. you are clearly a strong women. love to you from Perth Australia having moved from the USA ... culture shock indeed, mainly people shopping without shoes and shirts ... gross ... and totally agree less is more ... still wearing the clothes from 20 years ago ... now call them vintage with style.. quality over quantity. smiles to you, vanessa

I'm honestly so very sorry about loosing your mother. I miss my mom too. I often think about her every day since she died. I had no Dad or brothers or sisters. Time heals. You are truly an amazing person.

Thank you for sharing your difficult story. I lost both my parents when I was 16 from a car accident, and my brother went to live with an aunt in Arizona and I went to live with my dad's brother's family in California whom I had only met a couple of times. I identified with you on many levels. Having to go back to school and acting like nothing had changed was surreal. And when new people asked me where my parents were, their sad looks on their faces made me feel like a victim. I had to work hard to get out of that victim mindset over the years. It took me 50 years before I could talk about my parents without crying. To this day, holidays are the worst but I try to make the most of it. You did wonderfully talking about your mom and how you've dealt with your feelings. People need to talk more about the tough things in life, not just about the easy, fun things. Therapy really helps!

I know how difficult this was for you. My brother, who I was very close to, also committed suicide and its such a hard thing to deal with. I think your experience will help so many others.

💔i‘m so sorry, Saga

Dear Saga, I think you have an admiring and very mature way of processing your feelings. I feel related to many things you said. I lost my dad when I was a child (although not through suicide) and it also shocked me how the world didn't stop turning, how I still had to have breakfast and go to school every day as if nothing had happened. And I also miss him more and more as time goes by. I wish I had had more time to get to know him better... Sending much love. 🌻

So true what you say about as time passes you realize how much you are no longer able to share your life experience with them. Grief doesn’t go away.

Oh Saga I am so sorry for your sadness and pain about your mother's tragic death. You are so wise and brave to speak from such a deep part of your soul. I wish I had thought to make a memory book or box of my parents - what a beautiful thing to do for you and her and the relationship you have. I want to thank you for this video, it moved me to tears, but still I watched it twice to be sure I really heard what you had to say. Thank you.

Crying, couldn't even assume you had such a tough past. Hug you 🌸

Dear Saga, thank you so much for your honesty. My dad died last year, and I can relate to so many things, including reading and watching videos like this. Finding words to my feelings and hearing that it is ok doing or feeling what I am. Thank you

Sending you a huge all embracing hug.

You express a tremendous amount of understanding in this video. I know people inherently put their best foot forward in videos but you come across as extremely genuine and intelligent. Good luck on your journey and I'm sorry your mother killed herself.

I’m so sorry that she did that, she must not have been able to see a way out of her pain :( My father passed 2 months ago, and it really helps that we believe in the afterlife. That there is a future where we will all be together one day. My religion is Islam and I know that Christians also believe in life after death, so have you tried seeing a pastor about it? It’s the only thing that gives me solace. That there is something bigger than me, some energy or being, and some bigger plan.

My dad left me to that way,I was angry for years and wild as hell time has tamed me and calmed that demon inside me!!! ❤We feel abandoned so I understand

oh my gosh. I'm so sorry that happened to you and your mom. You are so brave and strong. p.s. I know how you feel. My mom attempted it but was not successful. It's so hard to deal with and talk about. Thank you for making it okay to talk about. Peace.

OMG, you poor sweetheart... I can totally relate - my Ma didn't kill herself, but she had endured torture until she died - and I was unable to be there for her, or even fully know how bad things were - then suddenly, I was made aware of her passing, on the other side of the world (while I live in Japan), and I could not even attend her burial services in time. It feels to me like some enourmous part of my internal organs were completely and suddenly amputated from me... that sudden loss, that sudden leaving, no 'goodbyes', etc. - yes, yes... and this was less than half a decade ago... and much of it all still haunts me... anyways - I can understand your pain, and your loss... I wish I could hug you in person, my "sister-from-another-mister" (the alternate expression of; "brother-from-another-mother" LOL) ❤ continue your strength ❤ **HUGS**

That was beautiful ❤❤❤

15:47 Maybe you *will* see her again, in the afterlife. Both of my parents are dead and sometimes I wonder if I will see them again, in the afterlife.

I’m so sorry for your loss!! My mom also suffered with mental illness and it was very difficult for me to understand what was happening all together. I’m so glad that you had a counselor and therapist, to help you with some of the issues and to help you to navigate through what parts at the time, they could help with! Your sharing this is very helpful for me and others by spotlighting the many issues and giving some perspective is really helpful and important for others, no matter what part resonates with them ❤💔 Thanks again and much peace for your journey 💜💜💜

What a kind, considerate person you are. You are doing well. Years ago I made two suicide attempts. I was thoroughly convinced that in the long run my children would be better off without. When someone is in that frame of mind, they are quite irrational. I find it comforting to have my son’s pictures out and to be able to speak his name and for others to feel safe enough to say his name - Matthew - and share their memories of him. Bless you, Johanna. You are a beautiful soul. 💕💕💕

Thank you for opening your heart to share. You are a beautiful continuation of your mother. What a gift you are giving her and yourself to be the person you are 🤍

Thank you for being selfless enough to think about helping others dealing with grief. Our lives must find a way to triumph over tragedy, and I do believe you are doing a great job with yours. While there are so many different kinds of deep sadness in life to overcome, losing our mom can be one of the saddest. I will hope and pray by good chance you can please believe that one day, one day you will see your mom again. The realm beyond this Earthly one will hold joys to come. Until then, you keep on being beautiful, inside and out, and sending a hug to you Saga~💜

My mother killed herself when I was 45, we had such a hard relationship but I forced her to confront things with me when I was in my thirties. I was so angry with her, we were having a baby and I hadn't told her yet - I still want to call her and talk to her. She felt so hopeless and only showed me the strong side, not her vulnerable and frightened side. I am so sorry for everyone who loses a mother this way. It's feels so much like a betrayal and lack of trust - I wish she knew how much she could trust me, I wish she'd given me a chance and to see her grand daughter.

I am so sorry for your loss… we often don’t speak about or deal with death… when it is going to happen to us all… I have watched three of your videos this morning and I think you are thoughtful and have a great deal of common sense…( I mean that as a compliment)… grieving is very important and personal for each person affected… by the loss of the other person… everyone needs to do it in their own time and way… for themselves… I also lost my Mom in 2013… she was 93 and I was with her when she left… the fact that she was older didn’t make the loss any less meaningful or less significant for me…and I hope that your memory and healing process… continues through out your life’s journey… you have your memories in your heart and mind about your Mom… they belong to you… you alone… and no one can ever… take them away from you…! I hope you are okay… I wish you peace…

Hello Saga, Thank you for sharing your story. We in society are still very bad about talking about mental health (but better than in my younger days of ‘stiff upper lip and pull your socks up’; said by people with no comprehension of how depression can make you feel so physically exhausted that even getting out of bed can feel like running a marathon …). We are worse in the West about talking about death and death by suicide is ‘taboo upon taboo’ in many people’s mind. I suspect it is fear of our finitude that creates this cultural aversion to death and carries over into the marginalisation of the elderly. I lost my mother suddenly in my mid-30s (a four week battle with cancer). While everyone experiences grief differently, my own experience is that nothing had prepared me for that loss mentally or spiritually even though I was much older than you. It was the cognitive bias that ‘these things happen to others’ (we are a long living family and I thought I had another 30 years plus with her). This was some time ago. I do know that it catalysed a spiritual journey and that I am - in part because of this loss - a different person to who I was then. My love and residual sense of loss hasn’t gone away, even though the ‘stages of grief’ are passed. I am sorry I can’t write in such an unvarnished way as you spoke about this. But I know your video will help many. Alec

Thank you for sharing such a deeply personal and sad experience. I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m glad you’ve found the inner strength to move forward.

I’m so sorry for your loss You are very brave my darling 😚❤ sending you a tight hug 🫂

It's okay to talk about it I'm here to listen... 💪❤️

The reason I chose to listen to your story is bc some of my loved ones suffer from depression. I’m sure most of anyone who is going through similar life concerning experiences tuned in to listen to you. Thank you for sharing. I know, it’s a difficult thing to endure. I wish you a good life with your loved ones.❤

That was perfection . Some time Tell us more good memories of your mother , its healing for you and inspires others who struggle with their losses . I miss my Mom everyday .

I just wanted to say I'm so sorry for your loss AND bravo to you for having the courage to talk about something as traumatic as losing your mother - not just in general, but to millions of us here on youtube. I couldn't imagine how horrible this must've been for you! I understand the feeling that when you lose a loved one, the world should stop. But of course, it doesn't, so you keep going and deal with your feelings as you go. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us Saga. You have no idea how brave you are.

Thank you for sharing. You are a strong woman. This video shows how the healing process isn't a quick thing and that if people take the time needed they can start to sort these feelings out.

Baby girl you brought tears to my eyes. My 19 year old daughter lost her father last year. It makes me profoundly sad to know that she shares some of your same feelings. Even though I was divorced from him, he was still close to me and my friend. I can’t wrap my head around the fact that he’s gone. I can’t wrap my head around the fact that he’s never coming back and I’ll never see him again. I can’t stand it. I can’t stand it for my daughter. I can’t stand it for you.

Thanks for your beautiful personal video. My wife died young 10 years ago and I very much identify with what you said about how it doesn’t “get easier” i think for me or my daughter because we actually are missing her more and more and wanting to share with her what we’ve been doing all these years without her…❤

This is so sad, I can't even imagine going through that. Hugs.

I'm very sorry for your loss. It's always hard dealing with a parent's loss, especially if tragic and sudden. It kind of feels like security being taken away. At least that's how I felt when I lost my parents. I'm glad you felt compassion for her eventually. I'm not sure, but I think people who take their own lives have issues that they don't see a way out of...like no light at the end of the tunnel. On an unrelated note (this is my first time ever seeing one of your videos), you have a beautiful face.

So sorry for your loss girl

I’m so sorry for your loss 🙏🏽

Thank you so much for sharing this from your heart! Stay strong! big hugs

Beautifully done SagaJ... I lost my dad young (59) and my mom old (87), both from disease, but perhaps weirdly, it was the latter that was most traumatic for me. I suppose each individual experiences every death differently, and gleans diverse life lessons in each case.

Thank you for your wise words, this is sound advice.

I'm so sorry for your loss sweetheart! 😢 Sending my deepest sympathy and prayers for you, your dad and your entire family!🙏

thats really sad😢sending hugs from philippines

Thank you so much for talking about losing your Mom with such sincerity and love. It's so important for all of us to learn to open up and share even the hardest experiences, the way you did here. That's the only way we can understand and support each other, especially when things get tough. You are almost my daughter's age and I wish I could give you a hug. Thank you for everything you've been sharing on your channel. It's meaningful and contributes to others' wellbeing. You are making this world a better place. ❤

So very sorry for your pain & loss. It must have really rocked your world to the core. Glad you took the time to let yourself process & find practical & effective ways & support through it. I imagine it still hits you harder some days more than others, but you're hanging in there. You're not alone.

Dear Saga, I am thankful and grateful you made this video. Your speaking is eloquent and so lovely to listen to. I am very sorry you lost your dear Mom. You still needed her to help you become an adult. You have done a wonderful job of accepting your reality and trying so hard to live the best life you can. I totally adore you❤❤

I think making this video for you is very similar to you taking that train the next day (a big step). I admire you for choosing to expose your most sensitive moments in order to help others. You are able to communicate these difficult ideas very clearly and with such empathy and emotional self-awareness. Thankyou!

Thank you so much for this video 💖 it allowed me to grief once more, I , too feel like it gets worse and not better the more the time pass by, I miss my father so much that words cannot say... and it is so difficult to talk about it and also it is very difficult to grief ... unlike you I do not have any one at all to ask for support. Sometime I feel that death would be a better solution , but I am not brave enough . My excuse are my 2 dogs who get very worried every time I cry , so I keep avoiding feeling and dealing with my emotions 💖 sending you my love, Silvia , Molly 🐼 and Laya 🐻

I remember when i used to call someone wrong or lier, they used to tell everybody that i am mentally not fit. That's all i can say about your & your mom's situation.

Thank you for sharing your pain and how you make it through. You are a very wise and sweet soul, young lady. Keep sharing. You are helping many, many people beyond words. God bless you and big hugs. ❤

I lost my mom 12 days ago. He left behind a 2 yo, 5 yo, 15 yo , and me an 18 yo. She was a single mom that struggled her whole life, I had never imagined she would ever take her own life. She was so strong but told me in her suicide note how tired she was of fighting and how she felt so hopeless. Life won’t ever be the same and I pray that nobody ever has to experience something like this especially at my age.

Its so weird how the pain of trauma doesnt come out until years later. It messes up life but in the moment as a teenager we have zero idea actions are related to suppressed trauma. Then as adults we can finally process

Im so very sorry about your story 🙏🙏 Courage Saga, courage and prayer. Visit your family as often as you can, time flies! ✨

Without a doubt you did the best thing possible to help yourself get through this! It’s wonderful that you understand that your mother’s illness had nothing to do you! She loved you dearly! Her emotions went over the edge. You are sooo strong! If everyone was as resourceful as you are! You will be successful at anything you do!!!

i am sorry for your loss. You are a beautiful and special girl stay true to your roots,

Thank you for sharing! My condolences 💐

All I can say is just thank you so much …

Saga, I’m sorry for your loss. Thanks for sharing your story. Hugs!

i just want to hug you, this made me sad, you stay strong, thanks for sharing. x

What a beautiful tribute to your mom. Thank you for sharing your heart, May you continue to heal and find your way to complete peace. You are a beautiful soul ❤

Dear Saga, big hugs to you. Your post was very powerful to me because I'd spent the day in bed feeling blue. I came across your channel just today, and this was only your second video I watched. Thank you for being so open and sharing.

Thank you for this. It helped with my own recent loss.

Well done. You are so brave sharing your experience with us all. I have dealt with grief but not grief through suicide which I am sure is far harder to deal with. I am sure your video will help many people going through similar circumstances & help the rest of us have more understanding

My mom died because of sickness. There are so so many similarities I relate to. Accepting people say and feel what they did. Making time to our all the grief process over time. Reading and listening to details that people and documents shared online that others would call morbid. It was deepest comfort to me. Hearing people talk on the streets about a family with a number of deaths and realising they qere talking about my familys deaths. I realised I loved myself more than I knew today because I chose me. This month I miss my mom stupidly. More than I thought I had recently. Knowing its never gonna change. The more perspective we have the more we re-grieve

As someone who has contemplated suicide many times, I appreciated hearing your story of how your mother's death affected you. My loved ones are often the ones who keep me here when it feels the hardest.

It's painful to listen to, but I hope sharing this vid helps you to deal with your pain. You're such a positive person, I bet you're a fighter. When I was a teenager, my Mom once hinted she didn't want to live. I felt really awful, angry, sad and everything, because it seemed like I wasn't a good daughter. Later I found out she was depressed. We both have this tendency, now I know a lot about this horrible illness. My Dad passed a year ago, and it seems you're right -- no time would make it easier to cope with. But I believe I'll meet everyone I lost again. I'm not religious, but this belief is the thing that keeps me going. And I believe you'll meet your Mom, too.

You’re so wise and strong. Thank you for sharing your story. ❤❤❤

I lost my mom when I was 16 due to a long illness. I was told by someone that although I did not have my mom, I could fill some of the void by allowing myself to see the mom in other women that I met. This helped me get through some tough times. 10 years after my mom passed, my father died suddenly of a massive heart attack. I took the same advisement and filled some of the void he left behind when interacting with other men. For some of us, there are no answers and never will be but I have been able to let go of the grief and like you, remember the good, the better and the best of my parents. I can now smile when thinking of them, instead of being upset or think it is not fair that I lost both at such a young age. I carry their spirit with me and they are only a thought away!

That happened to me as well, were a lot of feelings about it. ❤

Hi Saga, I 'm deeply deeply sorry for your loss!! It's a relief you got a wonderful therapist. You're so intelligent (also) emotionally. Your sensitive video is helping many people. Brazilians are huggers, so a hug from me.

You are very strong❤️😇

Wow, I see how hard you work at dealing with the lose of your mom. It is more difficult when you are young.

Excellent heart touching video, Saga. My heart prays for your mother, your father, you and your husband! Believe it or not - even though neither of my parents, or mom - or dad - in law's deaths were suicide, this video helps me even more this time later.

Thank you, listening helped 'me'.

You're an incredible person. Thank you for talking about this. I have no doubt it will help someone. 💛💛

Bless you sweetheart. Hugs.

Thank you for your story about your mom. Is was heartwarming and genuine. Depression is a hard one to battle. Thank you for your tips. Certainly helped me. ❤️🙏

Thank you 🙏. I found out my first girlfriend/love committed suicide a couple of years ago. It’s so sad knowing that I will never see her again whilst here on this earth. There is no greater sorrow than to remember happiness when one is in ennui.

Saga, I’m glad you moved on and continued

Thank you so much for sharing this. You have definitely helped people by doing this! ❤

Appreciate your courage to share!

I found your channel a couple of days ago when I was looking for some videos about minimalism. And I saw this video and couldn't watch it for two days, because my wounds still hurt. My mum died also in 2013 but from cancer. I was 14, my brother was 8. I was depressed at that times and wanted to end up myself but decided not to do it, 'cause my mum was sick and I didn't want to hurt her. Then she died. And those 10,5 year were like a nightmare almost all the time. I came through a lot but it still hurts so badly. That thought, as you said, that you will never ever see a person and never will be able to talk again or see their face, it hurts so much. This video made me cry. But I appreciate your honesty and bravery to talk about it. Hope you're doing fine. ❤

I just happened upon your video and want to say thank you for sharing your grief with us. From my own experience, grief never really goes away, we just learn to live with it because we have no other choice. As the years pass, the pain seems to become less, but there are those days, that even years later, the pain of losing a loved one, can cut right to the core of you. Ivwant you to know that your Mom is still with you in spirit. She loves you very much, just as you do her. Those conversations you continue to have with her are precious and beautiful. We all will eventually be reunited with those we've loved and lost, remember that. Peace be with you, always. With Love and Light.xx