Narcissist Sees YOU as TWO WOMEN: Reframing Mortifications, Exiting Shared Fantasy

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3 жыл бұрын

Narcissist regards your love as a weakness, a vulnerability he can exploit and leverage to obtain supply, sex, and services and, if he is a sadist, to hurt you.
Women escalate and fail to get a rise out of him: he doesn’t mind or care.
The narcissist grieves the shared fantasy not you: his sunk cost (investment) and the inconvenience of having to start all over again. His mourning is aggressive and closer to fury that to pain and sadness.
Women are the only ones who can mortify the narcissist because he reframes their cheating and betrayal as total rejection of his entire being in every possible role (man, lover, companion, guru, husband, father, even provider). Men reject only specific functions and roles that the narcissist fails in (business partner, collaborator, friend).
RELATIONSHIP CYCLE
Grooming and love bombing (including false promises)
Shared fantasy leads to narcissistic abuse type 1, intended to test the parental capacity of the partner and reenact early childhood conflicts with the narcissist's parents
Women cheat or betray discreetly, withdraw leads to narcissist stalks
OR
Women bargain and demand leads to narcissistic abuse type 2 (aimed at jettisoning the partner)
Women cheat ostentatiously, abandon
The narcissist reframes from internal to external mortification and back (vacillating mortification). Reason for vacillation: shared fantasy is ego syntonic and he feels wronged while the bargaining phase is ego dystonic and he feel that he is in the wrong.
The narcissist vacillates between an internal cognitive mortification (I am bad, evil, and rejecting) and an external emotional one (I experience my partner or others as bad, evil, and rejecting).
There is a kernel of truth in both mortifications.
In reality, women do reject, humiliate, and abandon the narcissist as a way to exit the shared fantasy or end the bargaining. It renders the external mortification plausible. But the truth is that women misbehave this way reactively, after he had rejected and abused them egregiously.
Following his abuse and rejection during the shared fantasy, the narcissist stalks women. During the bargaining phase he continues to abuse them in order to push them to cheat on him or betray him ostentatiously and thus dump him. This allows him to: (shared fantasy) 1. Reenact the early conflict with my mother; 2. Help him revert to external mortification by rendering it somewhat more grounded in reality; (bargaining) 3. Get rid of his partner.
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Пікірлер: 330

@Ilikeyoualot 2 жыл бұрын

I went back and read our old conversations in the beginning of our relationship and he straight up admitted that he was good a manipulation. They tell you everything ladies!

@MaryNewmanFayard Жыл бұрын

WOW! I did the same and it’s CRAZY!

@TheDeSantisVan Жыл бұрын

Him: Are you sure you want to do this?" Me: "Why?" Him: "Cuz I'm a Man/boy who sees love thru an 8 yr old's eyes".

@meuresouza1880 11 ай бұрын

I did that too! Yes, they say things and we are so engaged on the lovebombing ...

@semperdecorus37 8 ай бұрын

They indeed do! The narc I met once said I was his prey and that he would get me. Disturbing.

@TheIsraelProphetess 3 ай бұрын

Yep! My ex narc fiancée told me from the start “I have a dark side”. I thought he was making a joke! Who would say that after all?? It wasn’t a joke!

@jackielaventure2761 3 жыл бұрын

Excellent CONTENT! Amazingly spot on - I suffered under a sadistic narcissist for 33 yrs pretending to care about me - he destroyed me and I have struggled to recover and find my way back to life- if it wasn’t for ur honest approach and candid videos that tell the unvarnished truth I don’t know if I would have got better- I realized I was not alone and that the monster that almost made me want to stop living was a parasite that was unable to change and would have destroyed anyone they trapped and it wasn’t my fault - I just lacked the knowledge that ur videos give - thank u Sam in all honesty I think u helped save me and made me see my life could b good away from the psychopath that was in my life. The truth shall set u free - no truer words have been spoken

@joycebrannen1943 3 жыл бұрын

Happy, for you, jackie! Many blessings ahead wished for you!

@wallstreetruler3067 2 жыл бұрын

Wish you happy life ahead sister!

@cherylpoulin5650 2 жыл бұрын

Wow that was great so much knowledge I’m getting from you.

@tiggiestigg546 Жыл бұрын

There are many good ones out there keep up the self help I wish you healing

@jackielaventure2761 Жыл бұрын

@@bkpsly1 thanks - a lot of therapy/ reading & meditation has brought me back to life - I really thought the pain of the final discard ( cuz they always perform many small discards before the big final 1 ) was gonna break me and I would never recover / finding out it was all a lie because to Narcissist it’s all a game - put me in a state I don’t ever want to experience ever again ! I kno I won’t because I now realize it can happen to anyone / the trick is to build ur self esteem and stop the relationship at the 1 st red flag 🚩 don’t let the flags add up! And never let anyone- anyone ever put u down or make u feel bad about urself / run get out the price is to high/ thanks for the comment yrs ago I couldn’t dream of thanking u but today I am my own best friend I find happiness comes from running my own life and having gratitude 🙏 thank u - I wish u all the luck 🍀

@nz630 8 ай бұрын

I have been married to a covert narcissist for over 30 years, I just learned about narcissism and feel that I do not want to be with him anymore. He was never aggressive or argumentative but he managed to ruin my life. He was a cheater, he even discarded me for another woman, we separated for about 6 years and got back together, I understand now that I am sick too because otherwise I would have never allowed it. I look back and see how he always devalued me even if it was subtle. I am intelligent, hard working, good homemaker, attractive, a decent woman that NEVER cheated, even if it is hard to believe, but still he did not appreciate any of that because of his issues, it seems that the more i loved and cared for him, the more he cheated and he devalued me just like Sam says. I feel like I wasted my whole life on this scumbag, but I will try to somehow heal and move on from this experience. I do not care how old I am, I do not want to invest more time in this so-called relationship.

@staceyeldredge9191 5 ай бұрын

I just divorced my husband after 32 years of marriage. I can tell you that we are/were just as sick as they are because we become what we had to become to survive the abuse. My husband became extremely more abusive after the divorce-He was the victim but, then blamed himself-the emotional and physical abuse went off the charts. You need a solid foundation of support. I have lost everything, however.... the silent treatment and emotional abuse was torturous and eventually went through my own feelings of insanity but, I knew why I was losing grasp on reality. The internal and external mortification that Sam is describing is currently being played out in my life as I write this. You ate not alone.

@beepboop9519 4 ай бұрын

had the same issue he cheated for 8 years and i had to finally leave after he gave me a diesase. im 25 you are not alone.

@CeceCharles-tx9cn 3 ай бұрын

You are not alone I’m just now finding out who I was truly with. God bless you

@theresaparks4883 2 ай бұрын

Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn’t know before you learned it! Maya Angelou! ❤ That simple phrase helped me understand that I am a good person who was targeted by a Predator with whom I was completely unaware of! If I knew that he was a Vampire and Energy Thief you know Parasite, I would’ve avoided it. I didn’t know so he Fooled me with Fake News and False promises. Lied his ass of about every sense of his being not realizing that, I let him in. He abused that Privilege so I decided to Discard him. When I Blocked him I felt lighter like a huge weight lifted. That’s when I realized that he is a Demon with Demonic Energy. Vampire tendencies Energy Sucking Parasite with no ability to offer anything but Destruction! This realization helped me Stay No Contact and move on. I’m grateful for it heightened my awareness to the Predators and Vampires walking around looking for women like us. Loving and Caring! Fuck them!

@ac-jn1iq Жыл бұрын

I did cheat on my narcissist once after he withdrew from me emotionally and began the discard phase. You could tell he liked this bc it allowed him to discard me while posturing as victim. Exactly as you said in your videos

@TheIsraelProphetess 3 ай бұрын

Same happened to me!!

@marnerose2315 3 жыл бұрын

Thank you for communicating clearly the danger level of narcissist. Stay away from them.

@elizabethmurphy4971 3 жыл бұрын

There will always be something the partner does wrong as she is human. She doesn't have to do something major. The narcissist can and will use anything he sees fit against her when it's time to abuse/ reject/ discard her. He looks for it, attributes, wrong motives. He has an arsenal. It's easy because she's human!

@taftoli 4 ай бұрын

Yes, the narcissist will get angry at their partner for having normal emotions, reactions, and questions. The narcissist will also make their partner the scapegoat for many perceived narcissistic injuries that don't come from or even involve the partner. So they will direct their rage at their partner for even slight external inconveniences. Thus, there is no perfect way to act or behave to keep a narcissist happy or keep the relationship.

@spartanladkenny7870 Жыл бұрын

Never in my life have I felt so replaceable as I did in my relationship with my ex narc. The funny thing was I told her exactly that and she replied "If you don't fulfill my needs, why would you not be replaceable?" When I said you didn't fulfill any of my needs. How do I not make you feel the same? She just walked away! Narcs cannot look in the mirror and see themselves and yet my narc always told me she loves feedback.

@velmadenton3254 3 жыл бұрын

Brilliant breakdown of the stages presented here, Professor Vaknin, of the “Reframing Mortifications, Exiting Shared Fantasy”! I did walk away but it took me 3 months. All I could think of was how cunning and egregious his behavior was. It was by far the bravest thing I’ve ever done in my life in order to start a new life. Their is no other alternative but to walk away.

@commonsenseneedtobepractic1861 3 жыл бұрын

Facts ❤

@velmadenton4780 3 жыл бұрын

@Mousey Mousey Thank you so much!

@donnaofMelbourneFlorda 3 жыл бұрын

This doctor is so brilliant. He breaks it down and has so much information that other people on you tube haven't even touched! Thank God for this information. Now I finally have answers to what I went through. I am not crazy----what I went through for two years with a Narc was crazy and abusive!

@Brittanysjoy 3 жыл бұрын

I did the same. Well done.

@shanzimmerman 3 жыл бұрын

Being ignored was the absolute worst. Even more worse, was my psychologist getting upset with me and how I was acting. She kept telling me that she thought he loved me! I felt so guilty, I felt like I was the problem. It was a horrible learning experience and it happened in cycles for three years. It was a mental mind f#$%. The only person I let convince me that I was not the problem and that what he was doing was cruel, was my ex husband because he had actually been in relationship with me. My ex helped me cut away whatever excuse or fantasy I was creating to explain the man's behavior. He showed me how I was being made to feel guilty. Thank you God for showing me a way out.

@shanzimmerman 3 жыл бұрын

And, I always thought he was ignoring me to hurt me or punish me..... then, I found out that he probably just "put me on a shelf" somewhere and forgot about me while he went to play somewhere else.

@nicollerochelleofficial Жыл бұрын

Aw thanks God for nice ex's who actually know you and Aren't Narcs😖

@robertvernon789 9 ай бұрын

@@shanzimmermanMy wife did the same and went to play somewhere else. Then when I did cheat, she took the high road and lied to everyone about what happened.

@lealina5030 3 ай бұрын

In my case, it was our grown up children who helped me to get out. I actually tried to forgive him for his months-long affair believing he stopped it only to find out his lying got even more intense. 30 plus years together and finding out it was all pretend from the beginning is difficult to get over.

@MrKahunadog 2 жыл бұрын

A good but sad listen. Prayers for All including both victims and abusers. Stop the cycle. Heal yourselves. Wish we as children then young people were more educated on relationships. The advent of social media seems to imo increased narcissim. As well as depression. Prayers for all. Do positive.

@aletheyiaborel6766 3 жыл бұрын

Narcissists are a constant , contradictory paradoxe

@silverfish8059 3 жыл бұрын

Loveless sex is soul destroying and feels like violation. Does the narcissist really mistake sex for love? Are they capable of knowing the difference?

@Nikki-en6kd 2 жыл бұрын

They understand love as abuse. They don't love. They abuse and call it Love. So, yes there is a difference. They don't love. They have sex and feel pain, only.

@brendaplunkett8659 2 жыл бұрын

That explains the night before I broke up with the narcissist I threw up all night long. My body said 'that is enough" and I was disgusted with him. That was the perfect word.,

@adbc8213 3 жыл бұрын

Your love is your weakness only if you are not paying attention and have not gathered relevant information, i.e., educated yourself on the subject of narcissism, and have not taken the steps to keep from repeating old patterns. Do the work even though, it will almost certainly be uncomfortable..... 🌀❤️🌀

@seviyorim 3 жыл бұрын

AD BC given narcissists never learn -and I say this from experience and another of vaknin’s videos- how ever can anyone prevent repeating patterns? Are you sure you’re referring to a relationship with an NPD sufferer?

@adbc8213 3 жыл бұрын

kitty spathia You change your “old patterns” ... the other person’s patterns are theirs to deal with....

@seviyorim 3 жыл бұрын

Pete ....asking myself whether being around the narc is the ultimate challenge to self love: if I can manage to maintain my confidence and dignity even with the cognitive dissonance and grevious assaults he brings, then I’ll be super strong! It’s not healthy, but there is a weird reasoning even behind this option. I already walked away 2 years ago but he keeps popping into my life so I have to either harden myself up or ..sink!

@AlsoIHateDonuts 3 жыл бұрын

Your love remains your weakness, even after you educate yourself, unless you make the choice to stop loving altogether.

@inksosadstonewell4831 3 жыл бұрын

So does experience with a life full of narcisstic ... no one has never explained so clearly how to defend against these predators... until Now!

@caseymaree4370 3 жыл бұрын

Thank you. This absolutely stung a lot. But I definitely needed to hear it. It’s funny you say they don’t deserve our respect because they seem to be the first to demand it from everyone. Ironic indeed.

@jenj3299 4 ай бұрын

I was the woman in the bargaining phase. I told him in the end that I wasnt happy anymore and that there had to be someone out there who appreciates the fact that i exist. He asked to remain friends with benefits and I said no because i want to date other men and have a committed lasting relationship. He had already started another relationship before we ended ours, i found out after the break up. That was 7 months ago and never heard from him again. Such a strange experience

@loriallen9237 3 жыл бұрын

He would always say "we've been together too long to not work this out." I bought into that for years. Then I realized I'd been in that too long to continue to waste my life anymore. I felt like I grieved for the lost time and effort and giving of myself--too much to continue to do it another day. It WAS an addiction. One I had to humble myself and enlist family and friends to help me stay away from. Now I realize he'd spent too much time investing in our inherently unequal relationship--devoid of respect for me--to want to start over. He grieved all right--his loss of control and his being without someone to abuse. I'll but that caused him severe distress-- seriously! I used to have a compulsion to get him to understand what was going on. But he didn't have an interest in doing so--and wouldn't have cared if he ever "got it." That makes it easier to completely detach permanently, and stop caring entirely about him or his POV.

@floridagirleri 3 жыл бұрын

When the video began in a different language I thought, "Oh no! Please have an English version of this one!" Hahaha - Good one!

@forgetit7632 3 жыл бұрын

He got me too. Funny guy after all huh? I like listening to his teachings. While they are very hard realities to take. I'm trying to listen enough cause I'm still having a hard time believing any of this is real. I'm not sure what the denial is helping. I think it's me. I can't handle a lot of what I understand, all I don't want to understand and understand...... Truth is, I am sad. Sad because as Sam says we or I never existed. I know that. I wanted to. I know I never did. I am so sad. There is nothing to grieve. I wasn't special. In fact I was told that in so many words. Jarbbly as the statement was. I am so sad. Sad for me. Sad for what I thought was. Sad for all I took. All I took. Sad for all that I took and now it's like it never happened and to have him try and have me take his role as well. What? I am so sad. And that I am sad, and that it matters nothing. Nothing along side where were the happy anything's ..... I am sad. But Sam has jokes, thank you for making me laugh. I'm glad I still can laugh. I was a little worried. Anyone else feel a profound sadness?

@floridagirleri 3 жыл бұрын

@@foxi3995 Thank you for clearing that up! I am happy that I was able to understand the rest of the video. :)

@loriallen9237 3 жыл бұрын

@@forgetit7632 I think you might be experiencing this from the abuser's eyes still(?) I'm not going to allow myself to be hurt anymore by a robot. His thoughts or (lack of) feeling for me is no longer my problem. But I was profoundly sad for a long time before I intellectually"got it." Now he does not factor in to my thoughts or feelings. My grief is not over him--but over my incorrect belief that I had something intimate, when I never did...

@monicabuller-cabral746 3 жыл бұрын

Thank you so much for your insightful dialogue. It has been almost twenty years since my divorce from the Narcissistic psychopath I was married to for five very long and abusive years. Many years have past and my son said, “mom, why can’t you move on?...everyone else has, dad got away with whatever he did to you and it was a really long time ago... he has moved on with his new family.” Until I discovered you on U-Tube I had no idea why I have been so frozen in my own world. You described everything and every stage that I suffered through with him. I understand clearly now, because of your dialogues what actually happened in our relationship. I feel stronger now but still am fragile. I did the right thing by walking away at least that part of me had the strength to pull me out. I don’t really care about what shirt you are wearing or it’s color...and Mini is a hoot! Thank you!

@evka24 3 жыл бұрын

u could not do anything to make things better...he could not do better either....accept it.....it is illiness

@theresaparks4883 2 ай бұрын

I met who I thought was a very nice guy! We developed a friendship and eventually became a mutual intimate relationship! It became very distant after about 6months for no reason that was apparent to me! My friend mentioned the term Narcissist. I started watching your videos It became very clear to me that he is a Narcissist because he exhibited every behavior that you described and in each Stage. I m grateful it never reached any real injury to me because I decided to Leave due to poor communication, ghosting and lack of care! Then Blocked him. I’m extremely grateful for you and your insight. Your way of providing information is very valuable! I’m more interested in learning everything there is to know! People who focus on your physical appearance are not necessarily interested in the information! I would ignore that type of ignorance and lack of understanding at the matter at hand. Again thank you. Know that I know who he really is, there’s no need to entertain anything remotely connected to him. However, I enjoyed the Fantasy and Love Bombing episodes and gifts.. Because I was able to leave, I won! I beat the Vampire/Energy thief at his own Pathetic game! Predatory Parasite 😂

@TamiDickerson 3 жыл бұрын

Yes, always point out the narcissists, whoever they are! People need to be aware of who they're dealing with ESPECIALLY when it comes to narcissism!

@cassandraharada3331 Жыл бұрын

I'm being mistreated now (mostly neglected) so I'll leave the relationship. This was really helpful to see the relationship via your explanation. Thank you.

@kimseibert757 3 жыл бұрын

You are right on....7 years and going back and forth many times...everything you are saying is right on...during this 7 years...i was able to listen and observe him the last 2 years without being "in love" bc that went away after all the insane behaviors....which again text book narcissist behaviors...until you are with a narcissistic, It is almost impossible to understand the repercussions that follow....leaving them is the only way to get peace and harmony back into your life ...i was older when I met and married this man...he was still able to obliterate and discombobulate my life....had I been a young women like his ex wife who was married to him for 28 years and finally got away from him and married his "best friend"....everything and I mean everything that this man is informing you about narcissist, their behaviors...most importantly (they do not regard you as a human being but only an object to satisfy their needs is true)...it is hard to comprehend and digest all of these "foreign actions" when you are able to truly love, feel and bond to another person....get away from them and give yourself a chance to let the tension melt away so you can clearly sort out all the insanity that they tried to convince you that was all you and not them...it is just a shame and it all sucks...

@jena7456 3 жыл бұрын

The only thing they miss is your support of them and the worry that others my find out who they really are. Angry or upset that they have to start over is right and are only worried how it affects them! - this is spot on!

@dianamelendez5464 2 жыл бұрын

Sam thank you so much for this content. It has helped me understand my pain and confusion and my death of my soul in a relationship of 10 years. I am just now being able to lift myself out because of the content in your videos. You have allowed me to label and understand everything I was experiencing when no one around me could help me. You have saved my life I can’t thank you enough

@gabbymullen5580 9 ай бұрын

Thank You So Much for Calling the 'Snakes' out❤

@wanasebztv6880 2 жыл бұрын

I really can't believe that I went through all this😓

@karlippo 6 ай бұрын

Ok. Thats it. I unsubscribed from all other Narc channels on social media and stopped reading books on narcissism which I had been doing for years but none of those explanations ever made full sense to me. Until I found your channel Professor. You have made sense to everything that has ever happened to me as a child (2 narc parents) and adult narc relationships and the 1001 questions and puzzles 🧩 I still had. The only thing I can do on my part is work on and heal my own attachment wounds. Which made me subconsciously seek out these kind of people. But for the rest: Peace within me. At last. Immensely grateful for your information Professor. And no more spending on books podcasts therapists who dont understand narcissism or the abuse. Everytime I feel myself questioning things I listen to one of your gems again. Thank you

@KC-xi8ml 7 ай бұрын

I am blown away there are people who are like this 😢

@datguy9408 Жыл бұрын

As a narcissist this is my therapy.

@jackielaventure2761 Жыл бұрын

As a narcissist/ ur words - u belong in therapy cuz reading about the damage ppl like u cause is NOT therapy for a narcissist- it’s cat nip - a way to get off on the pain & misery damage

@anamartafaial1916 Жыл бұрын

Yes! They are snakes!

@franco2b145 2 ай бұрын

…and now that you have discovered the new found knowledge about YOURSELF, what are your intentions, son? Do tell.

@veronicavega7 3 жыл бұрын

I didn't cheat but I did lie and withdraw. Yes, it was a reaction to his abuse.

@deborahwarner7524 3 жыл бұрын

I cheated. I needed affection outside the relationship and took care of it myself.

@veronicavega7 3 жыл бұрын

@@deborahwarner7524 I appreciate your honesty. I think Sam is being "shady" here because there is a tendency for his audience to paint themselves as "good" and "innocent". He's questioning that and pointing out that it may be false. I too felt my former relationship was "cold". I needed carino (Spanish for affection) and sex. I believe I became a mother to him. That's why the video You His Mommy/He Your Daddy resonated because it was so spot on.

@deborahwarner7524 3 жыл бұрын

Veronica Vega every time we went to therapy they said it was a mother child relationship. No doubt. Maybe because I was a victim of parentification.

@AlsoIHateDonuts 3 жыл бұрын

I think he's generalizing cheating. It's more than cheating in intimate relationships. Generalization seems to be a narc trait. Can be tricky to follow, especially if you're someone who's easily triggered.

@lorianne4608 3 жыл бұрын

I lied to avoid the raging

@kimerietate8372 3 жыл бұрын

I appreciate your erudite information, Professor Vaknin.I am dealing with a boyfriend who has a severe case of NPD, and your videos have been a manual for me, and have helped me immensely, as narcissists can be extremely CRAZY-MAKING.I wouldn't worry too much about not being a "celebrity".To certain individuals,(myself included), you are more than a mere celebrity;you are the unparalleled leader in the study of narcissism, and a guide in helping victims to comprehend and process their sometimes traumatic experiences with narcissists, which is an invaluable contribution to individuals, and to society as a whole.I am definitely a FAN, and I appreciate everything that you're doing.

@portiaplankton 2 жыл бұрын

Thank you for this video. This one really resonated with me and guided me into the new reality of my ex fiancé’s public ecposure. I’ve watched so much of your content trying to navigate through the dumpster fire to which my two little girls and I have been subjected. The grandiose narssist (very likely comorbid bipolar+) in my life took all of my money, my health, all of my attention (at the expense of all other relationships including my small children), abusused all of us emotionally and physically, and now is trying to take my home. I’m fighting back to expose him in a within our community, public courtroom, and taking actions against his company. He really deserves no mercy, which feels SO foreign to me. I wish someone locally in California like you could coach me before going to court. These narcissist assholes have ruined too many lives and I feel that is beyond time for judicial system to require psychological evaluations when these cluster B personality disorders are glaringly and obviously present in the case. #theempathlifeisexhausting #narcsbedamned #byefelicia

@geangray8984 2 жыл бұрын

Hi i am from jamaica you are the only person who realy help me to understand what a narcissist is all about thank u now i know I'm not crazy

@panob1286 3 жыл бұрын

8:26 exactly, he mourns the end of the shared phantasy. Back then I just couldn't understand why he was sad or even cried, yet continued to throw me away as trash and marry someone he picked out for a fixed marriage... He said so many years and we are not together, and I cannot tell anyone about you blahblah... I was so confused, I thought hey, this is weird, he can't be sad, because if he were he would not interchange me so quickly. But now I understand because of the info you provide what all of that meant...

@panob1286 3 жыл бұрын

And yes, I told him you are angry although he denied it all the time... But that's how it felt for me. I recognize again so much!!!

@joycebrannen1943 3 жыл бұрын

Thank you for sharing. We lived in the same world! NOT fun!

@anne-mettehoej1164 Жыл бұрын

Professor Sam Vaknin, thank you so much for sharing your important knowledge and scientific evidence about narcissistic personality disorder (and other co-occurring personality disorders) and explaining what is behind their harmful behavior etc.. Your amazing knowledge helps SO many victims to escape and avoid living a nightmare for years and even decades with a narcissistic partner, parents, siblings etc. I wish I had this knowledge years ago but now I can finally put a label on this harmful and destructive behavior ❤️🙏❤️

@kerrystadulis1942 8 ай бұрын

Sam, your content has helped me more than any. And I’ve seen a lot of content on narcissism. Love that you cite studies constantly. Thank you for spreading the plain facts about this subject.

@bridgehomeinspection 2 жыл бұрын

I’m 4 days from my 2 year anniversary of being left in a ditch on the side of the highway. I was left naked and perceived to be dead. My narcissist is more than grandiose, he’s deadly. And yet he walks among us today, totally free. “To die is easy, peaceful. To live is hard.” And indeed it is.

@Nikki-en6kd 2 жыл бұрын

I'm sorry that happened to you. I hope the narc is not currently in your life. Blessings and prayers of protection for you. 🙏🏽✝️❤💪🏽

@shell1365 2 жыл бұрын

The truth will set you free… thank you, your content is priceless. You have answered so many questions I had.

@indiansummer1854 3 жыл бұрын

Yes ..... Alert to All Narcissist .....No Respect for them .... and NEVER play by the rules and shame them in public. It works ....join together people, it's beyond time ..... No Quarter.

@auaticamazon 3 жыл бұрын

This was pivotal

@FroggyFrog9000 9 ай бұрын

right on!!

@saragiard Жыл бұрын

Thank you for your excellence. There is no one that explain this matter more accurately then you do.

@cherylpoulin5650 2 жыл бұрын

You are the most knowledgeable person on the subject that I have ever listen to it that’s why I have to listen to you every day

@andrewcicchetti Жыл бұрын

The domestic abuse framework is preferable. The problem is not that the narcissistic abuser is a narcissist, it is that he is an abuser. When you realize that yours is a narcissistic, leave, leave safely and as quickly as possible.

@asingleton8295 Жыл бұрын

I am not looking for confirmation, but understanding. And I thank you for taking the time to provide such a variety of topics. You are also entertaining to listen to (animated and a relatable storyteller) and people are probably trying to build a rapport with you. Thanks for being you.

@thebrashcast437 2 жыл бұрын

I left (among many attempted leavings and going backs). I never cheated but he accused me of such, because it’s easier for him to paint me as this evil woman because I exited the shared fantasy knowing it was exactly as you put it, not real. A theatre production.

@gaurav_holay 7 ай бұрын

Thank you Sam Vaknin... your work is finally opening my eyes to who I have been and will probably continue to be. But now I can't blame anyone else, anymore... My deepest gratitude to you and to modern technology 🙏

@loridavis979 2 жыл бұрын

This content is a breath of fresh air.! Reliable material I have been unable to access in my desperation . Understanding why a 30 yr marriage ended last year, and why the perfect gentleman mask went back on, complete with promises . Too exhausted to deal with this man, but the smear Attempts with children, and inlaws were his kiss of death. My mental state hanging by a thread after decades of mental abuse . Oblivious to this condition until I found these videos. Your expertise, and explanation sheds light on my condition. As I continue sifting through your invaluable work, I take this time to give you the gratitude, and recognition you deserve. Thanking you for creating a legitimate resource that addresses the narcissist disorder itself, vs the strategic vengeance videos I've been enjoying with guilty pleasure. Navigating life with this personality is not child's play. Now I'm beginning to see clearly why I have seen little progress in my mental and emotional stability. Thank you again

@cathymorgan8670 3 жыл бұрын

Also Thank you for being so informative and to offer so much insight...its been so difficult to have fallen victim to someone with such distorted processes ..its sad and scary to watch and to be discarded like you meant nothing AS IF YOU NEVER LIVED ...NEVER LOVED OR GAVE ALL I COULD ....SET BOUNDRIES AND THINGS GOT VERY DISTRUCTIVE ... MY THOUGHTS WERE RIGHT ABOUT HIS LACK OF REMORSE OR GENUINE MEANING IN HIS WAYS .... THANK YOU.. I BELIEVE HE HAS BEEN ON THE BORDER OF THE PHYCOPATHY ... HE KEPT SO MANY SECRETS...

@CraftingSelf 3 жыл бұрын

"Disgust-ologist." Ha! Love it!

@marendwittbrodt8701 2 жыл бұрын

I thank you so much for your insightful und knowledgeable explanations of the deepest inner core of a narcissist. I Wish I would have known all that 1.5 years ago - then I would not have felt the need of bargaining wich I did. But one year and three months ago I legt him anyway, because I could neither stand his lies, His tepeated "silent treatments", His accuses Nor His voice, his behaviour and his sight in generell one day longer than those eight years that I already lost in him (I was 68 then and he was 64). Thanks again for enlighten me for my future

@dawn6232 3 жыл бұрын

We must take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. Sometimes we must interfere. When human lives are endangered, when human dignity is in jeopardy, national borders and sensitivities become irrelevant. Wherever men and women are persecuted because of their race, religion, or political views, that place must - at that moment - become the center of the universe. -Elie Wiesel Holocaust survivor Sam couldn’t be doing the human race more of a service by calling out narcissists. It seems we are so worried about being politically correct or enabling poor behavior, we even glamorize and encourage it. It needs to stop. Narcissism is a post traumatic response to abuse/neglect in childhood and narcissism is on the rise, yet we don’t address the problem where it starts within the infant/primary caregiver attachment. "Raising secure, emotionally competent, cooperative children who have free access to their creativity and expression is desperately needed for the health of the human race and the health of the planet. Raising secure children matters." - excerpt from The Attachment Connection by Ruth Newton, Ph.D

@caseymaree4370 3 жыл бұрын

I agree. It’s time to stand up and fight back.

@dawn6232 3 жыл бұрын

@@caseymaree4370 it’s seriously time for society to look at itself and the darkness that is moving in and stand up for empathy, authenticity, and connection. If we don’t, creating resilient empathic children will be like sending lambs into the lion’s den, if narcissistic and sociopathic qualities begin to dominate the human race.

@chantellmoody828 3 жыл бұрын

It matters most 🌺

@helenh3274 Жыл бұрын

Painfully accurate as ever, Prof. I greatly value the depth and poignancy of your content. I also rely on your book a lot, and regularly refer to it. Thank you.

@angelasheppard7112 Жыл бұрын

I'm listening and taking notes. Thank you.

@theloveflows8773 Жыл бұрын

Thank you for this truth and explaining it so well.

@brendadean9291 4 ай бұрын

A narcissist cant see himself in the mirror if he jumps straight from one relationship to another.

@narcsurvivor8750 3 жыл бұрын

Completely agree. I've been in a state of trying to leave my ex narc/psychopath for nearly a year. Have left multiple times, this time for good. Each time I was met with false remorse, a new love bombing stage (much shorter than in the beginning), triangulation etc. He would have a new sob story, a new health issue every time I cut contact. This time, knowing nothing else was going to get him out of my hair, I pursued formal channels (police, work investigation, peace bond etc). That helped to keep the contact going through third parties instead of me having to have contact with him. Sam says as a partner of a narcissist or psychopath you feel invisible, insignificant, unseen. That is very true. The real irony is, however, that when I left, that completely switched and now that I want to be unseen, insignificant, invisible to him, now I have to take such drastic measures to achieve that 🤦‍♀️

@margaretdixon8588 2 жыл бұрын

Thank you so much for the great wisdom and knowledge you shared in your videos please continue to educate us that are interested! God bless you🙏🏽

@MrGrigwealth 2 жыл бұрын

Thank you for sharing powerful info Helped me so much

@Youtoo12380 Жыл бұрын

I like listening to you Sam, very good teacher you are!

@horse286 7 ай бұрын

Thank You Very Much Prof Vaknin 😊

@mrsmabrya 2 жыл бұрын

When he sees a Narcissistic he MUST call him out! Love it Prof. SAM! #hearYe #nowisthetime

@deirdre5940 Жыл бұрын

No one knows better then you Professor about the incideous condition that is like a cancer on our global society. As you are an NPD but have atoned your sins, you deserve respect and recognition. You have taught us about the pathology of this personality set and how it effects us all. I am still trying to break the trauma bond even after being away from the narc for some time. I think I would rather be recovering from a dread disease. Thank you for your work.

@dianarumenova3797 3 ай бұрын

Thank you for sharing and being a truth teller on these painful topics. Greetings from Bulgaria!

@pennir8834 2 жыл бұрын

Wow mind blowing content, yet again. My ex narc used to frequently talk out loud (to himself) before I knew to much about npd I believed he maybe schizophrenic so this ticks yet another box.

@blanchecoker9807 2 жыл бұрын

I just found you and I can't wait to watch the rest of your content!! My husband is a narcissist and we have been married for 15 years. I know I will learn from you. Thank you! 😊

@Jezzicar 2 жыл бұрын

I agree with what you are saying , but for me personally I am very interested in your topics on narcissists , having being surrounded for a long time . You have helped me to understand from both sides and I thankyou 🙏

@yuliyagolovina5214 2 жыл бұрын

This is best videos I so far watch …. It makes all perfect sense now…..

@vnd629 Жыл бұрын

I want to say something but I don't know where to start from and what to say ... You give me strength to close this small hole (a year ago was taking the place of my half head ...) and move on. I admire your sincerity. This video is by far (so far) the best I have watched. Thank you so very much 🙏 Eleni, Athens, Greece

@rynickhenderson296 2 жыл бұрын

I have loved watching your content. Although I have not been ever labeled a narcissist I have dated them. In explaining them you are also describing uncovering and making clear things I had a vague or no idea about myself thx.

@vivianvislap9086 7 ай бұрын

This is so true!

@TheRuhtan 6 ай бұрын

Excellent! Tx a lot.

@suzannechurcher1745 3 ай бұрын

My ex did not grieve the loss of the relatonship he told me he had wasted precious time with me. No contact now and indifferent. Learnt much from Prof. Vaknin. Fascinating.

@justmejoy124 3 жыл бұрын

I do find your content full of quality. I feel the subject at hand is the situation in my marriage. I found your channel while seeking out understanding for myself & the experiences I have gone through that I've found so difficult as to why . I have watched the other channels & yes you are correct. I do feel you, by far exceed , in quality in logic. I want to thank you for sharing your vast knowledge of narcissism. It has truly truly brought me to feel this IS exactly my experience I've dealt with for years now. I think what my gut feeling has been as to what I've been going through for so long is exactly what you have spoken of here. I've watched many of yout videos & your explainations and break downs & I feel it is closest to a great majority of my situation and actions & cognitive views I've seen my husband display. We've been together 25 years and separated the last 3 and its only gotten worse over time. What I call the cold empty shell I feel I could never get to inside him for understanding. It's very difficult to communicate my pain & needs etc. I've almost felt ive gone mad from how frustrating & difficult it's been for me to try to even break through or connect with his feelings & to try to work on our intimacy issues so we can both have a happier marriage but I do and have for a long time felt invisible and alone ALOT. Your channel I feel is most professional & accurate & based from real research studies to proof & makes solid sense. Thank you for sharing your knowledge it has educated me and brought me to understand what I could possibly being living out in my life right now. Oh & by the way if your birth was from the dinosaurs ages then you by far look so so much younger for your time 😆 haha again thank you. ILL continue to learn more with you.

@janetlong8357 3 жыл бұрын

Sam Vaknin, you have captured my attention. I have a clear understanding of what I had assumed over time but did not want to accept. You’re spot on. Funny thing.. for one day only, after my breakup with “boyfriend” of 8 years, I joined one of the KZfaq groups that you frequently refer to as incompetent. Then laughed aloud at the irony when a women on the narcissistic abuse support group gleefully announced in print “ I support Trump”! Immediately I opted out! Ha! Now something for you... I admire your knowledge, enjoy your humor, and yes, your nose is okay too. Thank you~

@samvaknin 3 жыл бұрын

I have a nose for such things samvak.tripod.com/faq19.html#trump

@vegasmom6022 5 ай бұрын

I love your videos. You make me chuckle often with your little jokes. 😂

@teresabernhardt807 2 ай бұрын

This is the best one. I can relate with so much with what Dr. Vaknin says.

@joesther8058 5 ай бұрын

You are a genius and I am amazed at your insight on this subject. I have been listening to so many and you really do understand it. Thank you!!!!

@ninawire9006 Жыл бұрын

Haha....i love those humorous intros in your videos!!!

@jackieromero3835 6 ай бұрын

I have been looking for the educated explanation and I appreciate you

@david6544 10 ай бұрын

Sam..thank you. I am with you all the way on this. Narcissistic abuse and Narcissistic people..if they do not re- program their brain..they have to be erridicated. This is the world we live in and it's those that have been infiltrated by the 😈..who are bringing all this misery on this world. I applaud 👏 your work and I am inspired ✨️ by your commitment. Peace&Love&Light Namaste 🙏 ♥️

@Cam-uo1vp Жыл бұрын

Thank you. For this and many other videos and info. I’m in a child custody battle with my horrible ex. Until now I have been doing what my lawyer tells me to. And been playing by every rule. And being very honest in court, about my troubled past bc my ex of course lied and slandered the heck outta me. So I was basically defending myself constantly rather than trying to shine a spot light on his terribly abusive behavior and acts. Now I’ve got mediation for the 2nd time in a week and my lawyer says i need to agree to joint custody with unsupervised parenting time for my ex. (The day he was served papers he stopped all communication with me and our son, stopped all child support, and refused to talk to me before I retained a lawyer and my son hadn’t seen him or talked to him in 10 months) and my ex snowed the therapist who supervised 3 visits btw my ex and son. And wrote a report fawning all over how great of a bond they have and he should be granted all the parenting time he wants bc he’s so great blah yuck ! And now I’m sitting here wondering if I should fire my lawyer and play the game like he is. The only thing is I have everything to lose. And I’ve already lost a whole year of my happiness and all of my financial security, and most importantly I could lose my son. If he gets allowed time with our son with no supervision I just have this bad feeling he will lose him on purpose or hurt him or frame me somehow. Bc that would take care of his child support garnishment and hurt me the most. I’m binge watching all your videos to better understand how I can play this differently bc I’m terrified. He has no regard for our son. And hates me. He’s the one who cheated and abused and discarded. And I let him. It drove me crazy. Literally. And anyway thank you Sam. For your personal honesty and insight and for teaching the world about it. It is my goal to make sure my son does not become like his dad. I refuse to contribute. I have mental illness too so I’m all over the place. I don’t really know what I have but I try so hard to fight my brain and emotional immaturity on a constant basis. It’s hard and it’s never consistent. But hopefully my son will see enough of the good parts and be ok living a life with meaning.

@andreacompton1897 11 ай бұрын

Good stuff!

@yvonnehazard7479 2 жыл бұрын

To keep doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is the true definition of insanity. I think I should have this one here committed to the local mental health hospital. In the extended stay policy.

@missta1820 3 жыл бұрын

I do enjoy your opinions Sam...I'm currently keeping company with a suspect Narcissist. I'm in a mature age group and I'm actually feeling physically sick after being in his company. Have not been intimate with him as yet....he never makes a move towards sex. He acted alot more interested in me when i mentioned I'm about to enter into a relationship. But still no attempt at sexual intimacy. This is the strangest situation I've ever been in with a male.

@joycebrannen1943 3 жыл бұрын

Listen to your inner voice!

@tvelazquez121 3 жыл бұрын

Run....🏃‍♀️!!!

@sharronmorin8276 11 ай бұрын

I'm just out of a similar situation. Get out NOW before he drains you of your precious energy and you begin to doubt your senses. He will not change, he does not care for you. In my case I've gone through the whole scenario described by Professor Vaknin in a very condensed timeliness. I.e. short term friendship, no sex, just travelling partners. I am now trying to retrieve financial and material possessions. It has been incredible.

@cindysenn8157 3 жыл бұрын

interesting! they are like parrots and sex is just weird, very mechanical, never experienced that before...6 months of my life (1st 3 mos love bombing), glad it was only 6 months, wow!!

@TheJamekabrown 3 жыл бұрын

Sounds like me I'm a year and a half in. I'm currently on no contact with him I'm planning on changing my locks because he does have a key scary right. 😅 The sex is weird he only like 1 or 2 positions it's crazy. I have a exit strategy when my lease is up I'm moving without him knowing. He's so predictable that I can start to piss him off so that he will run off for about 2 weeks as he always do with whoever else he is getting his supply from and that's when I'll make my great escape to move and also change my number

@inksosadstonewell4831 3 жыл бұрын

I think it's covert homosexuality stressing them out.

@sonjakaszubowski1071 Жыл бұрын

Wow, so true. I am in the midst of the break up and mortifying him. It is so hard, I just want out of this nightmare and he keeps telling me that I don’t get to make the decision to break up this relationship. I am moving out soon and every time I pack something he goes into a full blown rage.

@jude7168 3 жыл бұрын

When I got involved with this person, just a friend, I never validated him I never told him how awesome he was or complimented him on what he believed to be great about himself. So of course he thinks there’s something with me lol. When I see him he reminds me of my inability to recognize his greatness. Lol I just smile and say “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” When you’re somewhat educated in these matters, you can see it more clearly and stay detached....😆I digress

@evka24 3 жыл бұрын

why r u witholding to make someone feel special...if u see that they have good quality?

@jude7168 3 жыл бұрын

@@evka24 I don’t want to make him feel special. If I do he will abuse me because he is a narcissist. He is very smart, good looking and all that. He is interesting and I’d like to be his friend but nothing more. But that may be naive of me.

@evka24 3 жыл бұрын

@@jude7168 i see ur point....but from my experience dont waste ur time on someone that wont be there for u....find real friends

@jude7168 3 жыл бұрын

@@evka24 true❤️

@reece2087 3 жыл бұрын

They expect compliments and constant admiration, it’s what they are used to it’s what they want and need. It’s the only thing they want and need. I’m surprised he still interacts with you he must think at some point he might be able to get these things from you.

@user-fe9xl3cd2s 5 ай бұрын

Hello professor, you are incredibly good, the best thing I have ever heard about narcissism, I am pleased to hear from you daily… from Mexico 🇲🇽

@1hiyasweetie 3 жыл бұрын

You can take the promises of a narcissist to the bank....nope.

@user-fc4zx2pp3e 11 ай бұрын

I had to tell my narcissist off and be the bad guy. It hurt me so bad. It's not in my nature. I loved him, 😢 but i knew if I didn't be the "narcissistic abuser" he was trying to make me out to be to his flying monkeys he was going to continue abusing me until i conformed. I had to play the role so he would let me go. It's good that he is gone, but it still hurts that i was set up. I gave him what he wanted so I could get away. Of course, he called me a narcissist and blocked me (what he was trying to do.) It gave me the opportunity to block him and all his flying monkeys so i could heal before anything else happened. It has been 2 months, and it still hurts like hell.

@DoHisProphetsNoHarm Жыл бұрын

Thank you!!

@nalinissingh 3 жыл бұрын

I've just recently been seeking out more information about narcissistic tendencies and I can hear many instances that I have done like cheating to exit a fantasy with a narcissist. I can also relate to some narcissistic personality traits as well in myself. Self awareness and my effect on others has been eye opening lately.

@yokai_G 3 жыл бұрын

I do agree, all public figures and people in positions of power should be scanned for narcism and other psychological disorders for the sake of humanity 😌 And also no need to worry about “views” ,the times we are living in, increasingly breeding narcissistic individuals will eventually force more views 😌😄, it’s only a matter of time 😌

@susanperella7506 10 ай бұрын

I agree, I’m all about setting them out for all to see for their our own self preservation !!

@susanperella7506 10 ай бұрын

For our own self preservation

@lilianrocha737 5 ай бұрын

I really like your videos.

@talshagan5000 3 жыл бұрын

‏insignificant others 3:50 LOL

@RhondaDurbyn 8 ай бұрын

Just always remember the bad outweighs the good being with a narcissist if there's any good in it it's in it for him to keep you hanging on . Don't let that fool you. Know the difference between Good and Evil.

@emiuygun9718 Жыл бұрын

Thank you😍🙏🏽

@alejandrapoch9338 3 жыл бұрын

Brilliant video and I have so many questions finally answered! I just have one left, my malignant narc sister triangulates my parents against me and my brother. She has been awful in her behavior. No remorse, no feelings, nothing. She is out to be the greatest towards my parents. She has reframed EVERYTHING towards them as well. I stopt explaining, my parents don’t want to hear the truth. It is exhausting. My brother is done with my sister. I am too. My mother is a open narc and hates my guts for leaving my sister and not offer her help(!) My father believes everything my sister said about me and comes around once in while to remain contact but he doesn’t want to hear of any of my feelings/issues with her. He just does what is convenient to him. My question to you is, are both my parents Narcissists themselves and don’t want the truth out of convenience? Or is my sister so good in convincing (base rate fallacy) that they are brainwashed? On a sidenote, I admire you and the way you educate us. It is brilliant👌🏻 your sense of humor is incredible!