It’s like narcissists live in their own reality show where they’re always the hero, even when they’re the villain.

Notice how narcs like to act all normal when there's an audience, then watch how they act in the car, at home, or any situation where the victim is isolated. This is proof that they know what they're doing is wrong.

They know. They are often sweethearts in front of strangers but demons at home.

The bottom line is they don't care about what they do to others , they only care about protecting their image. Dr. Ramani, I hope your cough will go away and that you feel better soon.❤😊

Narcissists don't like it when the quiet part is said aloud.

Narcissist know but, then tell themselves all these false reasons why you deserve their bad behavior so, now the Narc doesn't see what they did wrong because they gave themselves an excuse to be horrific to you.

Being with the narc will drained your soul 😭

I got my ex husband arrested for attempt of sexual assault and domestic violence. Months after the incident, during the divorce process, he wrote me an “apology letter”, where he blamed me for “hurting his pride” when I rejected him, and that’s why he forced me. He ended the letter with: it takes 2 to destroy a marriage. Thank God by that time I was more independent and after many therapy sessions, I could identify the gaslighting and understood the narcissistic manipulation I went through. The first video I watched from Doctor Ramani was like she was describing a regular day in my life. It was so on point that it was scary. I’m so lucky I got out from that marriage.. alive.

Saw this quote the other day... "Rudeness is the weak man's imitation of strength - Eric Hoffer". Applies to women too.

I feel like I'm constantly keeping the "Peace" by walking on eggshells. I know the consequences if I rattle the cage. It's absolutely unapologetic and the vindictive behavior will be horrific.

They blame the victim.

Even if they can't articulate exactly what they've done wrong, they know fully-well when they've wronged a person terribly.

Narcs need an enemy and love conflict. They just hate being in a position where they can loose.

i caught him telling our daughter to "never admit it, never ever, no matter what" i was gone within 6 months after planning - we snuck out while he was at work

Seems like no contact is the only path to live peacefully...

Narcissists are generally aware of how awful their behavior is. They are not remorseful and hate having to apologize for it.

They think they're "Gods" & should be Worshipped. False Idols. Idolatry.©️

For narcissists, it's ALL about how people SEE them.

They're aware that their behavior is bad and play mind games that make us anxious if we're not careful.

In my experience I believe they totally know they're doing wrong, but their desire to serve their own personal wants or needs completely overrides any desire to do anything else where there is no perceived payoff for them. And since they lack empathy, this is a very easy decision for them to make. If they weren't fully aware they are doing something wrong they wouldn't have such polished defense mechanisms in place.

They know, but you’d have to pay really close attention to see that moment of shame on their face. The defense mechanism aspect of narcissism kicks in real fast to deny and justify whatever they did. When people say their brains are wired differently, this is it.

Narcissists know what they need to do to keep.their amazing reputation. But at the end of the day they don't really care who they hurt hence the lack of empathy. But they do show more empathy compared to.a psychopath or sociopath. But when they truly know they hurt someone they try to gaslight you into thinking you did something wrong and that's why they reacted the way they did. It's a never ending cycle of complete chaos and drama and toxicity.

As part of the grooming process of narcs, they test you to assess your level of tolerance for their traits and abusive actions towards you. They then assume that the level is ok to be, so dismiss their actions and traits as acceptable and see no wrong doing in them. But like all addict's, it always takes more and more to fullfill their need for abusive supply. Arrogant ignorance to the level of harm they inflict because to not be so means they will not get the supply of abuse acceptance that they so need. Vampires with fangs of personality disorder. I will not be drained again. Not with all you've taught me. You need an award!🎉❤

Dr. Ramani really knows why seeking to get understanding and compassion and a real apology and growth from a narcissist, is a total waste of effort. Effort better put into better loving yourself and people capable and motivated to reciprocate healthy, respectful behavior.

Hope you’re feeling ok, Doc. If you need to take a rest for a bit, go ahead. We’ll be here when you get back😊

and then they PRETEND, Deflect AND GASLIGHT you..... I can't!!!

"Some people get hopeful when they believe that the narcissistic person gets it." We just have to keep reminding ourselves that they DON'T CARE TO get it, even though they do, and could care less as long as they're doing what they do.

The best way I can describe my ex's mentality was a delusional level of self-awareness. He hid his true nature from public eye because he KNEW he wasn't quite right in the head. He did occasionally show moments of clarity where he understood he was doing wrong, but it would quickly be replaced with the blame shifting & justifications. I eventually figured out that the mind fkery he used on me or others was the same kind of mental gymnastics he used on himself to avoid his own guilt & shame. He knew. He just couldn't bring himself to acknowledge the reality that he's also victim of his own mindset rather than the victim of those who refused to accept his behavior.

They use care and food to try to distract u from Their rage They think ur like a kid that they csn distract u with a candy

Chess with the devil. That is fantastic. I just dealt with this. I left a job where the primary client was a covert narcissist. I refused to play the game, and just withdrew.

I grew up in a collectivist culture. They do it publicly and in groups. A great way to demonstrate their guile and dominance. A bonding activity: abusing vulnerable people. I agree. These relationships are a colossal waste of time.

They know but justify so as one said, “My conscience is clear” after doing cruel things. Get well, Doctor R.

They know! They know, They know, They know!

Hope you're feeling better soon, Dr. Ramani

Key word “ waste of time”! Keep your good energy and good heart for those who can reciprocate. Thank you Dr. Ramani. Where would we be without your wisdom and compassion?

One must say to them, “What?! That's not about you. You are so wonderful!” and proceed to post another quote the next day.

Title grabbed me. So true. They know and feel badly inside but are unable to change their behavior, express their shame out loud, or admit the bad behavior to others. They often seem just as stuck as those in relationships with them feel. The conditions in society also reinforce these abnormal “norms”

My Mil moved in with us BRIEFLY and she had zero respect for my household, refused to help with any chores, used the clean towels meant for my 3 sons all under the age of 7. Everytime I approached her about cleaning up after herself or doing her own laundry she pipe about how many rules I had. Finally I had had it and just stopped. I hung up a beautiful sign that said "Believe people when they show you who they are." I had a whole bunch of quotes hanging on our bulletin board so it wasn't unusual or strange to see things put up there. She walks in all haughty as usual, walks past the bulletin board..she backs up reads it and proclaims "OH is that meant for ME?!!" So self righteous and indignant. I just smiled and shrugged. Eventually I went no contact. My husband inherited some of her narcissistic traits but we're working on it. He's very eager to avoid behaving like her. She is a covert narcissist and it's funny to see her now because she's old and has nobody in her life. She makes a wonderful first impression and on the surface seems like a sweet old lady. I almost believe it 😂but then her true colors shine. I'm so glad I don't have to deal with her

"CHESS WITH THE DEVIL" 😮😮❤ - okay, bam and also wow 👏

Are you ok Dr Ramini??? I was worried about you and your coughing and discomfort. I hope you are ok

Oh they know. Recently My mother made ANOTHER incorrect, horrible judgment of me and attacked me for something I DID NOT DO. This time I stepped right back, texted her to let her know she has misjudged and was nasty. Her reply, let's put our differences behind us... I Love YOU, i replied the next day. There are no differences to put behind, you misjudged me again and wrote some very nasty things to me, however I have already put it behind me as it had nothing to do with me. She replied with a Teddy Bear saying I Love You... Have no spoke since, saw her at a family birthday last weekend with loads of relatives, she knew not to come sit at my table. I am sure she will within time turn to my family and say I have not called and I will look like the horrible one, but guess what...I have spoken my truth (for the 100th time) and I am good with that now.

I got rid of all social media about a month ago so none of my narc family can keep up with me. SO freeing!!

Our couples therapist doesn't think my husband is a narcissist, because he has changed some behaviors. Now he's thrown me under the bus twice in 2 weeks regarding a stressful family situation. It made me take a hard look at how much "fixing" I do for him in daily life. He makes a joke out of it, telling me & everyone else "she takes me too seriously." Thanks for the reality check.

Don’t tell a narc that anything is about them, it will make them feel important, exactly what they want. Just ignore them or ask them why they always want to talk about themselves, that usually shuts them up.

Dr Ramani, THANK YOU for calling them A-Hole and that they perform assholery. As the scapegoat truth teller it is so satisfying to hear this. I know you've gotten flack for that before but those people are wrong. It's so amazing to have someone else who sees it, calls it out, and knows. There's too many flying monkeys in the world. You're my hero.

I call this phenomenon “being pernicious without being malicious.” I think it’s what kept me in my relationship to my ex-husband for 20 years. He seemed to cause tremendous harm without meaning to cause any harm. What was I supposed to do in the face of that reality?

I was in a shop, and my husband was getting annoyed with me and told me to shut up in heated terms or he would start shouting. A woman heard us and when I was separate from him on a different aisle, she asked me if I was okay and said she also was once married to an a...hole like him. I was mortified, but it was a reality check, too. I am beginning to just accept how he speaks to me. I did end up telling him the later that day what she said when we argued, it just bubbled up inside of me. But I learned like your example it was a mistake. His take home was...how did I reply,? and why would someone think that of him? and finally, I should not have made him angry Grrrr, life in radical acceptance is not easy!

They are everywhere, sending hugs to you all.

*“Anarchism is founded on the observation that since few men are wise enough to rule themselves, even fewer are wise enough to rule others.” ―Edward Abbey*

Trying to figure her out, I asked what she had ever done wrong in her life. She told me that the only mistake she made in her entire life was taking me back. Well, being a fixer, I took care of that for her. Now she’s perfect again. Now I’m getting smeared.

Dear KARMA, I have a list of narcissists you missed!

Chess with the devil... so true...

Just wanna say I appreciate that these videos are filmed in one take and not cut. Wouldn’t be an issue if they were, ofc, but this way, everything feels very transparent and genuine - like a conversation, not something fabricated. Edit: slight rewording

Wow. This is so depressing. I continue to try to hold some hope but there really isn't any. I can't think of any set of sentences that I could use to try to set some boundaries or not set boundaries. I get direct questions which I will no longer answer, but I can't say that I won't share personal information. I can't say that I will come around once a week to clean or whatever but I won't engage in conversation I haven't come up with any ideas that I can protect myself that won't result in narcissistic rage

They know but they want to control all their behaviour to the fullest

You totally described my mother! She reads between the lines on every social media post I make, and then twists it into some diss on her. Which tells me that she does know exactly what she’s doing and how she treats me. The funny thing is, I don’t post about her at all.

I can so relate to this video. I am so happy to be separated from this crap. It took a long time, but, I am successfully separated from the carp.

“Assholery” 😂😂😂

This has been going on the last 5 days. They know but they don't know. Then the escalation. It's like word salad but it includes behavior. Creates chaos. Radical acceptance is all you can do if you can find your way back to yourself.

I bought her book & I’ve been reading it religiously. However when I first ordered it on Amazon my husband asked me why I bought the book & if it was about him. At first I lied & said that I bought it because I had concerns about my mom (kind of a lie.) It is about him but I was scared of his possible reaction & obviously I didn’t want to hurt him. I eventually told the truth & he was mad/upset that I didn’t have a conversation with him first before buying the book to address my concerns of him being narcissistic. I told him I’m not one to diagnose anybody & that I bought it more so I can gain wisdom & understanding.

Get well soon Dr Ramani! I love every video you make for us. They have helped me greatly. Thank you very much xxx

😅 human beings know when they are doing something horrible it’s just the fact that they don’t care that they are doing something horrible, but they all are well aware. When they treat you horribly in their reality you have done something to deserve that horrible treatment or they just want to hurt you just because they can.

It's kinda like when my ex wife asked me if it was bad to screw someone out of money for a job they did and then still screw them out of money then tried to make every excuse in the world to blame it on the person she screwed

Your hair looks beautiful today, Dr.Ramani!

Ugh..we’re dealing with a narcissistic elderly family member and trying to remain positive and kind through it but sometimes I’m just so drained and overwhelmed trying to keep my head on straight. I know we can’t change it but these videos really help me feel like I’m not insane and gives me something I can relate to and feel seen, I guess, so I don’t go on a mind spiral lol thank you so much for the tips and the acknowledgment !! It helps sooo much 💚

Oh I made that mistake!! My mother was wound up about something banging her fist on the table saying, “ I’d rather die than lie.” I cracked up bc she is a pathological liar. In an attempt to lighten the mood and turn it into a joke I continued to laugh and said, “ oh come on….you lie all the time.” That set forth a scorched earth response from her. Haha. Good thing I had gone no contact for a while and I love my radical acceptance space. I just don’t care. After 60 years of her abuse, the fact that something I said bugs her, is a very small consolation.

Thank you Dr Ramani. Yes, agreeing with them about their bad behavior is like waving a red cape infront of a bull. Get ready for the horns.

Narcissists never do any deep dives into their behaviours. It's always your fault when you noticed something is wrong.

Exactly. When you reach the point inside yourself where you realize and accept you will never get through to them and they will never see you❤Thank you Dr. R❤

Scary how accurate this is. I told him today he uses Darvo every time I call him out of bad behavior and typed out the words "witch hunt". He goes on a hunt to find any flaw with my character and uses it to justify his behavior instead of taking any accountability. The only difference with your video and his life is that he has no friends. He has pushed everyone away with this behavior.

After 30 years, the narcissist love of my life who abandoned me without explanation when I was diagnosed with a terminal illness, got in touch to beg my forgiveness but he refused to acknowledge having done anything wrong or show the slightest concern for the impact his cruelty had on me. In the end it was all about him and his feelings. I didn't and don't forgive him.

Im a huge fan of you not cutting the moment you sipped your drink and adjusted the camera. Love to see reality. ❤

You are not a stealer of hope Dr.Ramani. you are keeping it real for us. You are my anchor ⚓️ ♥️

They know, and if they have siblings on the same page you can expect them to gang up on you. My moms family had no issues showing their true colors, it trickled right down to my cousins as well. She had her whole family trying to make me apologize for refusing to be abused. They know what they're doing, there's no way they don't. The things she said, the excuses and reasoning she used...it all had to benefit her. She always made sure to look gloomy and heartbroken but as soon as she had me alone it was mentally exhausting. I went NC and had her showing up at my job trying to threaten me back into the leash she held. She could not believe that she wasn't perfect in my eyes, I was the ungrateful, disrespectful daughter. I cut every single one of them out and every single one of them made sure to send out posts calling me crazy and unhinged. My siblings chose silence or triangulation. I chose peace, it has been a healing process. She took her life that same year, I have no regrets. I do wish that I'd have had the courage to go NC sooner. My dad followed her a year later but he was a narc as well. Both are missed by their circuses of course. I can walk away with peace knowing that I was able to tell them both off and that I wasn't their punching bag nor would I have a part in maintaining their perfect public image.

"These relationships are a waste of time" struck me ! Oh way am I twisting myself to keep in relationship, when I don't have to 🎉 thank you soooooo much for all that you do to give us the courage and words to understand it isn't "me"/"us" !!! You are my hero I learn something that I can apply to my live every time I listen to you ...."may the universe shower you with peace and love" 🤗❤

I don't think they know. My mother has treated me like a bit part in her play. Parked all the failings she won't acknowledge in herself in me! But she is angry with me for trying to talk to her, for having had a visible reaction (hurt) to her shutting me down and minimising my hurt, invalidating me, smearing me, excluding me..... But she feels like the victim, how *dare* I not reflect back her rosy view of herself. She is in total denial.

The father-daughter situation, that's me. Thank you for bringing up this example, I feel so seen!

i used to be normal in terms of conflict and self defense and it was chipped away slowly the increases so tiny until after 10 years i did not dare stand up for myself any small defense was met with a nuclear bomb and i am normal again it took years to deprogram

I have been told the same thing. I point out certain behaviors and he say, "You make me sound like an a-hole" and "You have the wrong picture of me in your head" 😮

I think they know they've done something bad but don't know what was exactly bad. The leader in my previous job apologized to me after he gaslighted me, but it was a superficial apology, not a specific one. He didn't seem to understand what was bad. 😮

Sometimes you have to be very specific. However, I have found that when I have been specific, I am told that I am welcome to my feelings/opinion, but it's not what they meant. It can be very tricky.

While my children continue to believe lies said to them, I won't be healed. I have no access to them.

Lol I’m exhausted just thinking about this scenario. I’ve definitely been here

Very true. That was quite the coughing fit dr. R! I hope you're okay ❤

Dr Ramani, thank you! There is a narcissist that I know, and I've put distance in the friendship. However, even though I know things won't be better, I still fall into the desire to want the relationship. I'm always quickly reminded with each encounter why the distance or severance is appropriate and necessary, but it doesn't make the desire to have a friendship go away. I liken it to what I imagine addiction to be. I work in the healthcare industry, and a vast majority of the patients I've had, who are addicts say they hate the drug and/or getting high... they just can't stay away. An entanglement (romantic or otherwise) with a narcissist feels much that same way. This video came during a time when "hope" or "fiending" was trying to creep in. In my opinion, your video served as a conduit from God that staying away yields greater peace and happiness. Thank you.

"... throat-slashing TIGER ..." 🎯🎯🎯💥💥💥🎯🎯🎯©️

I inadvertently left an interpersonal psych course printout on communication styles, etc. (among other papers) on the kitchen table at my father's and forgot about them. A day or so later he said, "Come here a minute. I want to talk about something." Based on his tone, I was in trouble. In his hand, he clenched the packet tightly, flapping it through the air, demanding to know, "What's this about?!" and why I left it on the table. He didn't care for my honest reply. (Course content. Genuine interest). He cut me off, shouting, "No!" as he opened it to the section on aggressive communication. He circled, double-triple underlined, and scribbled angry notes throughout that section. I was sure it because he recognized he did those things. Maybe he wanted me to act that way by pushing me until I did communicate in some way that resembled the same. I don't really know, but I didn't. I wish I could have asked what motivated him. But it wouldn't have been effective communication anyway, just another chance for him to try making it his opportunity to get me upset and out of character. We go in circles and lose time. When I reached to retrieve my printout, he pulled it back, closed it to the front page, pointing to another double-underlined and circled statement, "Disrespect of father!" before making it clear, I wouldn't be getting it back. He folded and tucked it back beside him. I walked away. I thought it might have shown some self-awareness. Did it? idk.

My ex claimed he was just borderline, but every once in awhile I brought up narcissism (before I knew NOT to mention it--from you!) and that suggest that they MIGHT be a narcissist has been the only piece of information they continually dwell on. How do I know? They actually tried to unalive me twice for even SUGGESTING they might be a narc. A year later post those attempts, and they are still stalking me. Every once in awhile I check their social media to just see where in the world they are (for my own safety) and nothing else. Recently, after their most recent stalking event, I came across an Insta post that was 'I'm not a narcissist if I can think about being a narcissist' And I just ROLLED MY EYES so hard and chortled dark laughter. Thanks Doctor Ramani. Without your advice, I'd surely be unalive at this point. And this video, really hits home. Love your book, btw!

The title of this video can also be interpreted as “Toddlers know (but don’t know) when they have done something bad”

Get well soon, Dr Ramani. Don't work too hard now. If you're sick you need rest. Sending you well wishes.

The Grey Rock Method is what I might use in a situation like that.

"A colossal waste of time" - loved it!

They just need to do what works for them to feed their disorder without any consideration for others or how toxic the behavior is. Once you understand this you may even be able to chuckle at how disturbed they are.

I hope you feel better soon Dr. Ramani! Thanks for pushing yourself to give us a chance for healing! ❤

My mom is a Narc, I watchd her take care of my grandma whilst she was on her death bed, like keep up in the night, checking on her, sleeping on hospital floors, and the entire time complaining to me and no one else that she's doing all this coz she's looked at as the broke one in the family, and how she too needed to go to work. This is the same woman who physically and emotionally abused me my whole life.... It's amazing how exhausting their life actually is, the facades and all...

in buying the game to support you friend like your videos supported me through my darkest times, thank you doctor ❤

Just don't like it when they act like they don't know. But then when they walk off you can see they're smiling without having to see their face(s) Too many think they're anonymous. Which makes it easy to forget them, be it after having processed and double-checked my view, choices, and path forward in the matter. More is the pity. Which sometimes gets confused with forgiveness. Grinds my gears

I’ve noticed something in family members that I think have narcissistic traits. It’s like there are two parts to them and they don’t see each other. A child and an adult. I used to think it was like they’d decided deep down to just say nope, I’m not going to play in this world anymore. I just got hurt too much. I’ve actually seen exactly twice the adult and child looking at each other. It gives me an energetic feeling of a sort of childlike confusion. Then it’s gone pretty quickly. Like just for a minute the child is exposed to the adult and then dives back into the depths again. In both cases it was when someone in my family was called out unintentionally because they were hurting me. I’ve used techniques from family systems therapy for myself. But I don’t know if a narcissistic person has enough incentive to try it. First they’d need empathy to see how they might hurt others. And then they’d need to want to change. After years of living a narcissistic life, I can imagine first, why empathize if you are the center of attention? And second, the pain you’d have to deal with, knowing how much you hurt those you love or care for after all that time. Beat to avoid this pattern when a kid is still a kid.

🤔Hopefully they find out some day. 😎I know, you know, they know, you know. Instead of getting into an all out drag down fight with a friend, we had a consensus and agreed not to step on each other's boundries. I was under the impression that this cannot be done by watching your videos. I was quite surprised that my old friend took my feelings into consideration. We can agree to disagree and still get along afterwards. Thank you for all your videos, they helped saved a relationship that could have went bad. There is still hope.

I finally found out my husband is a narcissist. Early in the marriage, i simply didn't know why he was so angry whenever I gave him some criticism. He would smash.plates and glasses on the floor. Everything was my fault. He has repeated said that to me and I felt so guilty because i thought i was the main contributer of my failed marriage. He threatened divorce so many times and finally, two weeks ago, I went to my lawyer to file for divorce. It's really tedious living with a narcissist.