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Observe Don't Absorb Technique Neutralizes Narcissistic Abuse. Narcissists Can’t Hurt You with ODA
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10 жыл бұрынThis is an 8-minute version of the Observe Don't Absorb Technique seminar, produced on January 8, 2014. Its popularity is attributed to its practical usefulness. The Observe Don’t Absorb Technique (ODA) provides a person who is manipulated and/or harmed by an individual who derives power and control through the use of emotional domination, capacity to set successful boundaries with Pathological Narcissists (NPD, BPD, ASPD and addicts), and survive the backlash, with a variety of insights, strategies, and tools.
ODA was originally developed to empower and assist people recovering from Self-Love Deficit Disorder (codependency), who are magnetically attracted to and perpetually stuck in relationships with manipulative and harmful Pathological Narcissists (Narcissistic, Borderline and Antisocial Personality Disorders). Through the use of this powerfully effective defense technique, survivors of Narcissistic Abuse are educated on how to “fight back” with the most potent weapon of all: purposeful, mindful and conscious dissociation. By allowing narcissists to trigger or activate them emotionally, they are helplessly pulled into a fight in which they believe they can win, but never do.
George Bernard Shaw must have known about ODA! His quote, "I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it,” embodies the heart and soul of the dilemma Self-Love Deficients (codependents) encounter when facing off with Narcissists.
The completely revised and extended 90-minute version is available here: www.selflovere...
ABOUT ROSS
Ross Rosenberg M.Ed., CADC, is Self-Love Recovery Institute’s CEO and primary contributor. His internationally recognized expertise includes pathological narcissism, narcissistic abuse, and attachment trauma. Ross’s “Codependency Cure™ Treatment Program provides innovative and results-oriented treatment. His expert educational and inspirational seminars have earned him international acclaim, including his 22 million KZfaq video views and 230K subscribers. In addition to being featured on national TV and radio, his “Human Magnet Syndrome” books sold over 140K copies and are in 10 languages. Ross provides expert testimony/witness services.
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@annebenoit6779 10 жыл бұрын
That's exactly what I started doing to my ex. Once I realized that he was a NPD I stepped back and observed everything about him. Like I was studying an exhibit at the zoo. I even realized the white showing from under his left eye, a sign of personal stress. I realized I was dealing with someone who is very sick emotionally and I actually felt concerned for him. I fear for him. He seems so desperate. I had been married to him for 28 years and I have finally come out of my trance. The spell had been broken. The truth did set me free. The truth of realizing his disorder.
@RossRosenberg 10 жыл бұрын
ncbookz I did. The Human Magnet Syndrome: Why We Love People Who Hurt Us.
@crissieroserose 9 жыл бұрын
my daughter behaves in this way , she is 29 , and hs been hurting and manipulating me for years . She has never had a diagnosis though .. and when i broach the subject she turns it back on me ... .. but thank you for that model .i will use it
@cathycruz9673 9 жыл бұрын
Anne Benoit I have been 28 yrs with my N husband as well. After 17 yrs I learned about NPD and it saved myself... read a library on the subject, yes the truth sets you free!
@lookingup82 9 жыл бұрын
So amazing. Don't we sometimes wish we could be a fly on. The wall? These narc go to great. Lengths to smear and run, ding-dong ditch,kids used to call it And the narc will get all the kids to blame u and u weren't even there!
@lookingup82 9 жыл бұрын
Keep looking- they are very arrogant.. many are actors... hard to know when the mask comes off! Trust me- they're out there! THere is s guy who is a Narcissist on youtube... very honest--about his lack of feeling etc...Forgot his name but he is teh NPD--(Not the guy giving advice about run away- NO contact!)
@dw3403 10 жыл бұрын
They thrive on your reaction. It gives them power over you. You don't react and watch their power be pulled from them.
@Graemedico 5 жыл бұрын
WORDZ 😎
@sylviasimpson7076 5 жыл бұрын
+@Ferry Clouds. Yes - the only way is No Contact.
@howdydocowgirlcowgirl181 5 жыл бұрын
@@sylviasimpson7076 Amen to that.
@tjhammer24 5 жыл бұрын
@@sylviasimpson7076 I believe this is the bottom line
@plunder23 5 жыл бұрын
Sometimes a no reaction can lead to physical.. then what
@Gathoklea 5 жыл бұрын
"I learned a long time ago never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it." I love that! It's so applicable!
@ponydance4229 Жыл бұрын
perfect
@amjPeace 8 жыл бұрын
The part about picturing yourself wearing a white lab coat while observing the person is very helpful. Putting the lab coat on as soon as the person enters the room might help remind me not to get sucked in before it even starts.
@SuryaKundali 6 жыл бұрын
amjPeace yes I picture my self with a clipboard in my hand instead it's my phone. And I sit on the sofa and observe and absorb. But it's hard too do with my kids around me. I don't want to disassociate from them.
@suzannemorrow9987 6 жыл бұрын
Yes , I have been staying away from my siblings All but one son are abusive and Narcs or idiots . All my life ,
@jennygibbons1258 5 жыл бұрын
This actually works well. He looked like the wicked witch in The Wizard of Oz, melting into a puddle in front of me. Interesting. It reaffirms my belief that people are only as powerful over me as I allow them to be.
@amandamorris7296 4 жыл бұрын
Make your coat blue and made of light. Imagine a white ball floating above your head.
@chrisrendino1529 8 ай бұрын
Thank you. I love visual and mental ques.
@kentoxymoron6857 8 жыл бұрын
Stay cool, stay calm, don't give in to emotional games and manipulation.You can never win an argument with a person who has NPD.Remember that.
@BEEDiAMOND-hi2dw 8 жыл бұрын
you can. Just walk away and smile. You won 😉
@RealLadi228 8 жыл бұрын
Argument? I just wanted a real adult conversation...instead it was him in his own antisocial world taking up space like a peice of furniture..haha..
@mtlicq 6 жыл бұрын
Negotiating with a psycho/Narcissist is like hugging a fire. Be wise, just don't!
@sylviasimpson7076 5 жыл бұрын
They are insane.
@lukethelightbringer3809 5 жыл бұрын
winning is not important, remaining clean is the goal, calm firmness is the goal...... not giivng in is winning....
@jamesbernards8409 9 жыл бұрын
"Blessed are the peace makers, for they shall know God." - Proverbs "Be harmless as a dove but wise as a serpent" - Proverbs I think Christ, in his life time here on earth, provided such an amazing example of knowing when to engage and disengage.
@humility1st 4 жыл бұрын
Jesus the Holy Spirit King of Discernment!
@afrahprasad2883 3 жыл бұрын
I think in marriage it gets difficult to know when to leave as they didn’t “cheat” or pass away so you try to do right by your faith and in a way ignore the warning signs in the hope that praying through it will get you through to see healing and change. 12 years for me... only now realising that it won’t change and it’s time to walk away.
@godisonelove3557 3 жыл бұрын
Yes, God is great! :-)
@mercyrahma9501 2 жыл бұрын
@@afrahprasad2883 Hi☺️ You are so brave ! 12 years ??? I've been married only since 2 years and it's been a nightmare... 😔😭 Praying for God to Have Mercy on me and to remove this evil husband out of my life for good ! 🤲Amen !
@afrahprasad2883 2 жыл бұрын
@@mercyrahma9501 I’m so sorry Bouchra. It’s so hard with kids involved too. I took my 3 year old son with me 2 months ago and walked out with just clothes. But I am finally at peace in my life. I hope and pray you find your peace, joy and courage 💗 stay strong x
@ClearTheRubble7 9 жыл бұрын
I realized that I was starting to do this naturally--observing the control people around me and saying to myself, "Oh, wow, she just put me down in a really subtle way." Or, ""Boy, he's having a tantrum just like a three-year old; I can't take this seriously." I think Ross is giving sound advice. As I continued to observe people, I noticed that my reactions to them started to fade away. I've been letting insults and putdowns fly past me.
@Jester77o7 9 жыл бұрын
If a person is toxic, then it is a good mental health practice to not be around them. Like in a physical fight, many of the martial arts masters will tell you, avoid confrontation as much as possible. Get yourself away as soon as possible before engaging. It's not worth the risk of injury if it can be avoided and 99% of the time it is avoidable.
@mahatmacharya 2 жыл бұрын
Actually wise advice!
@catspajamas2961 9 жыл бұрын
The problem with observing and not reacting, is that that behavior infects the rest of your relationships and interactions with other people. It's too hard to lurch around, changing your reactions based on who you are interacting with. Turning your emotions on and off constantly is not natural or healthy. The best, and really the only, thing to do is get far, far away from people with NPD and psychopathy as soon as you figure out who they are.
@violetallamas9997 9 жыл бұрын
***** I totally agree with you. The clue is being informed to avoid the problem not being informed to suffer the problem.
@catspajamas2961 8 жыл бұрын
Stu VS I meant to come back here and modify what I said somewhat. The no reaction technique should work with occasional interactions with narcissists and shouldn't cause problems for you if "most" of your relationships and interactions are more normal. We all meet all kinds of people and handle it just fine, and most narcissists don't show their bad side in casual or public situations. But I don't think that's what Rosenberg was referring to. I think he was referring to maintaining ongoing personal relationships with narcissists, because that is where narcissistic abuse mostly occurs. And that is the situation I was referring to. Of course a 10 second interaction with a narc in line at the grocery store is not going to be a big issue. But I can tell you from personal experience that growing up in a house with 2 narc parents, where the only way to have relative peace, or even survive, was to have no reaction to anything that was said or done to you, is not healthy, even though it "works" in a way. You take that into how you deal with others as an adult and you don't even realize it. I've had plenty of people comment on my extremely reserved demeanor (although I've emerged somewhat). And to continue to subject yourself to narcissists and dealing with it by having no reaction to anything they do, is not moving in a healthy direction. If you interacted for hours a day, every day, with panhandlers, I would bet that how you interacted with others would be negatively impacted. You would develop habits that would not be functional in the rest of the world. Back to narcs, No Contact is really the only way to go, when it comes to any ongoing relationships where you are a target of abuse. Before I went No Contact with my NM (narc mother) I found that for one, having no reaction to abusive behavior she took as license to continue that behavior. If I pushed back, she might stop a behavior, but another one would take its place, that she pretty obviously plotted in advance. It was like playing whack-a-mole, and the only cure was No Contact.
@alisjay9798 8 жыл бұрын
+Stu VS agreed
@RealLadi228 7 жыл бұрын
genie I agree except for having two adult npd children....only thing is there is no physical abuse...so due to grandchildren...I must constantly update and educate myself with coping skills
@originalman6396 6 жыл бұрын
genie I agree. I kept trying to do this with my boss narc; but then the narcs started messing with my livelihood (my paychecks). So they will find a way to upset you. You have to LEAVE and go NO CONTACT.
@MattFoleysGhost 10 жыл бұрын
Holy Shit. "Observe dont Absorb" perfectly expresses Extroverted Intuition vs Introverted Intuition. Ie; It's not what someone else's actions say about YOU. It's what their actions say about THEM
@anniephilip7504 5 жыл бұрын
Danny McCaffrey yes. He is absolutely right. Observe don’t absorb. That is the word I was looking for. Then think of your present situation. Then will run. Or flip your finger.
@25CarpeDiem 9 жыл бұрын
Ted it took me 49 years to work out the same! The only thing you can change and control is yourself! Walk away and don't compromise your beautiful self for one more second! Take back what is rightfully yours - "You!"
@dorenasadeghi5783 9 жыл бұрын
Dr Ross,your video has saved my life,I watched it over and over and over.each time I got stronger and took back power that I had given away.you are the best.I can never thank you enough!,please keep helping people in this way.....this is the first time in my life I have commented on a video.
@RossRosenberg 9 жыл бұрын
So happy to hear this Dorena!
@Bluzgirl1 9 жыл бұрын
Ross Rosenberg Can you get this Pauls guy off of here and block him from attacking me? I would appreciate it, thanks.
@RossRosenberg 9 жыл бұрын
Bluzgirl1 I will try to bump him off of my channel. Doing that now.
@gma103 8 жыл бұрын
Dorenda If you did it then I'm going to try it too! Thank you for your comments they gave me inspiration!
@gma103 8 жыл бұрын
..,and thank you, Dr. Ross, I think it's truly good advice I just feel nervous because there are so many of them in one place! But I am going to try!!!
@victoriamchenry572 9 жыл бұрын
How very sweet. You are absolutely a very very deeply caring person. I am forthwith going to apologize to you because I publicly chastised you for your statement that self live is the code pendants answer to escaping the narcissist. And in actuality this is true but at the time I was in so much pain I saw it as an unreachable meaningless platitude. Because this is the answer to every malady but in my opinion attainable and vague. But I find this particular technique in this video concrete and very helpful indeed. So. Thank you and I apologize. It is because of people like you who take the time to do this that I am even alive at all.
@RossRosenberg 9 жыл бұрын
No worries. I was where you were. It is a golden truth but so hard to reach it. Keep working toward it.
@robertkiraly6431 8 жыл бұрын
+Ross Rosenberg Verily so. Once you observe, you don't fall for it, you just walk away - stop before it starts.
@sandrachavez2269 8 жыл бұрын
+sasha star (sash) so true.
@BeauSC4Ever 8 жыл бұрын
+sasha it isn't the "nurse in you", it is the co-dependent in you. A co-dependent is the narcissist's preferred victim, largely because we think we can "fix" them which leads us to return after the narcissistic abuse, where a healthy, non-co-dependent would excise the narcissistic person out of their life like the cancer they are...
@suzannebonham583 8 жыл бұрын
+Victoria Mchenry I heard Teal Swan say the same thing about self-love, that when you're really badly hurting you are incapable of loving yourself, and it's very hard to do. People act as if you can just do it naturally, and this compounds the pain that person feels because in that state of mind it seems impossible. So she has written a book saying how she did it for herself using baby steps. Hope that helps
@stephencoleman3578 9 жыл бұрын
If the narcissist can't get reactions or control, they will try harder. If they still can't control you they will leave you and find another victim. When my ex covert narc could no longer control me, it frustrated her to no end. Then she got rid of me and found another poor sucker to control and torment. But of course it was all my "fault".
@MrGOTAMA420 9 жыл бұрын
stephen coleman yep
@cacatr4495 8 жыл бұрын
Congratulations on being replaced! Hurray, the victory is YOURS! :)
@stickerlady1774 7 жыл бұрын
My ex's narc-ex is so extremely terrible that she can't even find another idiot who will couple with her, "she's"/it's that bad.
@nohahamed3084 4 жыл бұрын
It happened to me but they keep looking for their old supply sometimes :( she was a school friend who depended on my kindness, solving her homework, accepting her bad character etc. She kept looking for supply and left me, but returned several times. I fell in that trap and made up with her whenever she left, but finally understood the problem and got over it by rejecting the Narc ( I was very young, I was 11 years old and it ended when I became 14 years old).
@brahimlh2909 3 жыл бұрын
Was there hoovering and did u go no contact. I dont know how to end it with this past long term friend, what to say, i dont know what he wants, i believe he could be a vulnerable, covert narcissist
@piciulnostru575 8 жыл бұрын
ross this is so powerful. The narcisssist discarded me 6 months ago. I was crushed. A month after the break up, I find this thing " narcissism" and it lights a lot of red flags. I struggled to grasp this , and I was sure that my ex was a narcisssist. Since I had no closure, and the betrayal was so big, 2 weeks ago, we were in the same place. He came to me, and we spend the day together. I was an observant. I saw the patterns so clearly and I saw just how disfunctional he is, and how much drama and chaos he stirs out of nothing. All the relationship I thought I was to blame, but now I saw exactly what was the cycle and the pattern. It felt great to be an observant, and now, that I'm conviced and know what he really is, and that I kinda found my closure, hope to move on and let it go. He still tries to hoover me back, but I'm strong, I ve got no contact. He is extremelly disrespectful, he lacks character, and has no respect for boundaries
@FIREGOD333 7 жыл бұрын
:) u can do it
@serenac3251 7 жыл бұрын
Irene Irene Stay strong!
@Rollwithit699 3 жыл бұрын
This actually works. Pretend to listen if you must, but don't let their words penetrate your mind and heart. Remember you're dealing with a disordered person. Don't respond by explaining your position or defending it. They can see they're not getting to you...it not only eventually stops their behavior, it will save your brain and lower your anxiety! It has worked for me, and I'm no longer a "narcissist magnet."
@sarafuller7249 8 жыл бұрын
Thankyou, What you say makes a lot of sense. I am living in a domestic violence situation and the emotional abuse is far more painful than the physical. God bless people like you who are sometimes the only thing that keeps people going.
@cacatr4495 8 жыл бұрын
Sara, the only answer is to leave and go No Contact. Don't try to stay, it's too damaging to heart, mind, health and life. Break free. It is possible, no matter how hard it might seem. There is no living with a narcissist or domestic violence abuser. Leave, leave him behind, don't tell him where, ever, and have NO contact. You can be set free, you have to determine it. You go, girl!
@sarafuller7249 8 жыл бұрын
+C Aslaneh Thankyou for your encouraging words. I know your right it's just the financial situation holding me back :( I just keep on praying. Thankyou again for your caring response.
@cacatr4495 8 жыл бұрын
You're welcome. I've been there, so I know. I will try to let you know when I find an answer to the financial question, but I left without that. Your life and heart health are more important than optimal financial condition. Narcissists, batterers are sabotaging, down-pulling, they tear down so badly that it's impossible to have a job around them, they destroy health and sleep, sabotaging bedtime and evening peace. So it becomes a vicious cycle because we think we can't get out without money, but they won't let you become empowered enough to have it. So which comes first, the chicken or the egg? We feel we need money to leave, but we have to leave to make money. If you wait to make money in that house, you may never leave. You will stay in a high cortisol (highly stressed), low testosterone (non-assertive, low confidence), fearful, de-powered condition, and may never make it out. See Amy Cuddy's videos on reversing that using power poses. With free thinking, and Faith in action, you could be free this time next week. Think about it. :).
@cacatr4495 8 жыл бұрын
Sara Fuller Also see Mel Robbins TEDx SF talk (video) about rising up and taking timely action, crudely called How to Stop Screwing Yourself. Her vernacular isn't genteel, but she gets people moving. You are the only one that can enable your leaving. It's your call. What would you say to your sister or daughter if she was in your shoes? What advice would you give? What is God's will for you? He always makes a way! Follow His wisdom; you have His power to walk out. You will never forget that day, I haven't! Walk in the Faith He has given you. Read Joshua 1: 5-9. He goes before you. :)
@sarafuller7249 8 жыл бұрын
+C Aslaneh Thankyou for the video. You have been very helpful. I know what she says is true but I guess I just feel that depressed and so beaten down now and so very very tired that I just wish it was all over. I never thought another human being could be so cruel and evil. Thankyou for sharing your experience and taking the time to post. you have been very kind. All I know is that there is a god and that this pain cant be forever.
@sabreena1khalick 7 жыл бұрын
I did this not knowing about Ross's technique. Just listening to my Narc sister when she was gaslighting me. I even smiled and nodded neutrally when she told me I'm mental n needed to speak to someone. She got angry cos she didn't get my usual emotional reaction. I later dismissed her n walked away without getting tangled up in an argument. This technique works. I used it without knowing it was an actual technique. I wasn't hurt but slightly amused later on. Narc sister was fuming all day maybe she realized she couldn't rile me up like before.
@RealLadi228 7 жыл бұрын
StarlightnDust Pray she never becomes physically abusive towards you they continue to seek another way to abuse.
@sabreena1khalick 7 жыл бұрын
Realladi 228 Just seen your reply. She tried to push me once, testing y strength. I pushed her right back, very hard. She never tried it again!
@MorganJServices 8 жыл бұрын
This advice is going to help me stay mentally, spiritually and emotionally self preserved with several individuals who are targeting me for their narcissist abuse. I remain disconnected for 90% of the time but need to be 100%. I will listen to this video every day and stop making mistakes that feed into their dysfunctional behavior.
@cacatr4495 8 жыл бұрын
Understand that your very presence feeds their abusive core. It's not merely dysfunction, it's an evil core that will not stop if you "make no mistakes.". You have the idea that this will alter their behavior. It won't, it just strengthens your perspective of detachment, to help guard your heart. But it doesn't change them one bit. They never change. Only leaving and going No Contact changes your reality by setting you free.
@MorganJServices 8 жыл бұрын
C Aslaneh thanks for the helpful advice. I agree with the "evil core".
@MorganJServices 8 жыл бұрын
***** thank you for your helpful advice. It is true that the narcissist hides behind a facade.
@akakonoha 8 жыл бұрын
Me also. I seem to attract them a lot also at the moment, several neighbours...they play mind games by making noise at specific times or repeated actions at certain times to get my energy & attention. They're also psychic energy vampires. There's another channel on KZfaq that's amazing also. I'll write it on the general comments.
@fairlind 7 жыл бұрын
CA Catr, the problem is that a lot of people can't do NO CONTACT, either emotionally, or because of circumstances. In those cases emotional detachment is the next best thing. Also, when you learn to detach emotionally, you will gain psychic strength over time that will over time help you leave the vampire for good. In some cases the narcissist will rehabilitate when you completely stop responding to the manipulation (Google Chris and Kim Cooper), but that's by no means a given.
@englishroberts7419 8 жыл бұрын
i think you absorb the toxins physically, so it is a good idea to stay aware that even though your mental dissociation feels more comfortable and keeps you from getting extra traumatized/harmed, there is still something physical happening that you need to heal later on. you arent always conscious of what your body picks up.
@sexiest1088 7 жыл бұрын
Exactly my thoughts. Disassociation is a good way out but it can be detrimental as well, it's okay if you don't live with them.
@fairlind 7 жыл бұрын
trex I hope you're not confusing this technique with dissociation. Dissociation is mental numbing that actually keeps you in a narcissistic relationship. The technique in this video is not about numbing. It's about awareness, and a conscious decision to not react in any exaggerated way.
@sexiest1088 7 жыл бұрын
thanks fairland, i appreciate you correcting me there, i assumed it was a dissociation technique.
@a.e.2990 5 жыл бұрын
English Roberts That’s so true.
@andreatheherbalist 2 жыл бұрын
Physical illness happens just being in their presence. I literally have a lump that enlarges in their presence, even just observing. This is a sea of energy..
@brokenlibrary2591 9 жыл бұрын
This is a good point, once you "hook in", the narcy has the upper hand. I like the comment below where they pull out the cellphone. Beat the narcy at their own game by saying: Everything you are saying right now is amazing. You won't mind if I record it all so I can listen later when I can give it my full attention? Then just tune them out and delete the recording later or save it for evidence (if you think you'll need it). Putting up with the abusive narcy (in a relationship) to "keep the peace" is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die.
@maximumweb5655 9 жыл бұрын
LOL. Love it; I have learned to use that recorder when talking to them; so worth it.
@Judah2019 9 жыл бұрын
+WestTexas Native \ when I have used a recorder and played it back..It the narc lol!! That felt good anyway..Still managed to wiggle out of it.
@omarabdimohamed5213 7 жыл бұрын
brokenlibrary2591
@katerinakiaha6925 5 жыл бұрын
Never crossed my mind. Thank you.
@crosses101 10 жыл бұрын
The more I watch these videos and read these books the more I realise how well I have been handling life and how well I'm figuring it out on my own. I am on the right path!
@u235u235u235 10 жыл бұрын
video basically says "don't take he narcissist seriously" and it sounds like you've done that.
@crosses101 10 жыл бұрын
***** So you're saying I'm a narcissist?
@u235u235u235 10 жыл бұрын
no
@crosses101 10 жыл бұрын
***** OK, I guess I misunderstood.
@davemojarra4734 10 жыл бұрын
Youre a true Narcissist.
@yourpetyourway 9 жыл бұрын
These people are EVERYWHERE! I can spot 'em right away too, thank God! It took me my whole life to realize they can't/won't ever change. I like the 'Observe don't Absorb' mantra.
@lisa863uknowme 6 жыл бұрын
Dawna-Llyn Marshall how can u spot them right away?
@carlyyork8568 9 жыл бұрын
My previous boss used to use the pull and cease technique. She would treat me like the golden child so that I was emotionally invested when she gave me the cold shoulder, either of which seemingly un-related to my work performance. I soon realized that If I invested no emotional energy in her positive reinforcement, it did not effect me to be the recipient of the negative reinforcement.
@francesca27545 8 жыл бұрын
Matthew 7:6New King James Version (NKJV)6 “Do not give what is holy to the dogs; nor cast your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you in pieces.
@mtlicq 6 жыл бұрын
YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Christian pastors should be preaching this way more, instead of disdaining this wisdom from the Lord Himself, and instead just telling people go love everyone unconditionally, becoming fodder to the demon-possessed Narcs. Praise the Lord ! Peace to you ! ♥ : )
@GRACE-ew3uc 6 жыл бұрын
francesca27545 : yes! "Do not throw your pearls to the swine!" 👐👐👐💕
@Doriesep6622 6 жыл бұрын
"Good" Christians are just sitting ducks for the narc.
@mrsmucha 5 жыл бұрын
@@Doriesep6622 Especially Catholics, who were made to feel guilty from when they were young.
@colleentam6446 5 жыл бұрын
mtlicq , Agree! Instead it is like "leading lambs to the slaughter" with "turn the other cheek" on the road to destruction...
@williamwarren5269 4 жыл бұрын
Grey rock, no contact, observe don't absorb are all great tools. Your expertise in this field is much needed in todays world, thank you!
@beehappy5677 4 жыл бұрын
I also developed this technique as a survival strategy so that i didnt go mad. I never gave it a name but i would force myself to be an outsider observer, to analyse the situation as if I was a scientist, exactly as you describe!!!! Detach myself emotionally, watch, ask myself wht the person was talking and acting like that, what he was trying to achieve, why he had chosen those words and that moment, what reaction he was expecting from me. Somehow it became fascinating because it was as if a secret code has been broken. All in a sudden I could see tha pattern. But, how painful to see the real person!!
@RossRosenberg 4 жыл бұрын
Thanks for sharing Amalia!
@isadahlgaard3715 9 жыл бұрын
This was very spot on!! I must say there are a lot of phony therapists and psychologist etc. on the web with video talks like these who have no clue about the advice they give nor the deeper aspects of psychiatry behind the subjects - This, however, was a breath of fresh air, very professional and spot on. I lived with a borderline man for 2 year, I myself have a high functioning autism/Asperger's syndrome, which per definition makes me bad at reading lies, sarcasm and generally abstract communication. This makes me a perfect target for people with a manipulative either borderline, narcissistic or antisocial persona - and it made two years of my life a living hell. The whole mantra of blocking off your interaction in the now, when you're with these people, being able to zone into this observant state and watch them for a while as a subject you study, truly is one of the best ways to detect these people. I have, because I am so bad at it due to my autism, begun with new people to simply do a 'field test'.. In order to protect myself I need to stop and observe before I engage in anyone emotionally. A skill that in no way is harmful to anyone and which prevents with quite solid results, that I won't end up with people who manipulate, harm or emotionally abuse me. Thanks Dr. Rosenberg! - I'm hereby subscribed and will recommend your work to others in the future, although I live in Denmark. :)
@hithere8045 5 жыл бұрын
how do you do your field tests ?
@sunlitweb 8 жыл бұрын
This reminds me of something called the "Gray Rock" method of dealing with psychopaths. It's different than what you are talking about, but kind of the same. Basically, if you work with or are around a psychopath, you simply be as bland as possible to blend in with the surroundings. Don't engage them. Don't smile at them. Just be part of the general landscape. Otherwise they may hone in on you.
@cacatr4495 8 жыл бұрын
That's what I call "veiling" your face, and voice, of all expression and emotion, of all reaction, going blank, so that there's nothing to read there, an empty slate, nothing for the narcissist to feed on, nothing for him to react to, nothing for him to misuse. At that point, the only thing he can do is dream things up, which they will do. But then, that gives us an internal, hidden, silent laugh, because they are so far out in left field with their false conjecture. They're the ones with the corrupt imaginations! Give them nothing to go on, put a facial "veil" between yourself and the narcissist. After a while, they weary because they get nothing from you.. However, I should add that this is only wisdom for temporary situations, and can not make living with a narcissist do-able. The ONLY answer to living with a narcissist is to LEAVE, with no contact. Their evil destruction is not workable.
@sunlitweb 8 жыл бұрын
C Aslaneh That's a great way of putting it! Thank you.
@kennyp9616 7 жыл бұрын
Nightmare when you come across one in the workplace. I find they're usually obsessed with monetary wealth as well as manipulation.
@KrystalLioness 7 жыл бұрын
It's good to be aware of this from the get go. Have the presence of mind that you are here to work, not to make BFFs, but be cordial. If friendship happens in time, that is fine but don't make it a priority. Your coworkers will get it and act accordingly. If you see that your immediate boss is narcissistic, it might be a good idea to have a plan B ready.
@omarabdimohamed5213 7 жыл бұрын
kenny P
@originalman6396 6 жыл бұрын
Krystal Lioness My EX-boss was a narcissist. I simply grabbed my money one Friday and NEVER came back.
@marypatton1122 6 жыл бұрын
Work place narcissists are the worst. You need the job and if they are mad at you they can get you fired and ruin your references for future jobs. In a capitalist, materialistic society, narcissists crawling out of every corner of the American work place. It is disgusting to see the truly skilled get trampled by the narcissistic intimidater who has littl skill.
@originalman6396 6 жыл бұрын
Mary Patton Most don't have any skills. They just have privilege; which is why they hire YOU to do the job which they CAN'T do. You're the one with the gift; so take your skills elsewhere and be appreciated.
@mercysmith 4 жыл бұрын
Years ago I remember doing this. Observing, not reacting though he was in my facing screaming at the top of his lungs with bulging blood vessels. I should have made the decision to leave the marriage much earlier because looking back, my life was in danger. But here 44 yrs later, after I left him with my co-dependency defeated, I've had a great life. I thank God for all the lessons and the blessing of being free from the continuous manipulation and emotional, mental and physical abuse. Accept that a strong love on your part does not mean a successful marriage.
@Noor-jw2tn 9 жыл бұрын
Thank you this is wonderful validation for me. This is how I managed my narc/sociopath who I was married to for a short time. I observed, listened and refused to react. I was even able to confuse him with his own tactics. Nothing hurtful, however it was quite amusing to watch his empty head try figure out what just happened. Your work is excellent and Im sure helping many wounded people. Thank you.
@FreeSpirit47 9 жыл бұрын
I wish I had known about this a long time ago. It would have saved me lots of time & money.
@thebudkellyfiles 7 жыл бұрын
When you do confront a narcissistic personality individual, make it good, confront them with overwhelming power, evidence, and authority. They will crumble fairly easily, and you will be surprised how quickly they retreat from the pain you inflict.
@gailparker8532 3 жыл бұрын
Dr. ROSENBERG I JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU THAT OF ALL THE RESEARCH I HAVE DONE, YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE THAT I HAVE FOUND THAT TEACHES TECHNIQUES . STAYING DISCONNECTED WHILE THIS CHAOS IS UPSETTING IS EXTREMELY DIFFICULT AND THIS TECHNIQUE IS DOABLE. I WILL TRY THIS. PLEASE CONTINUE GIVING US MORE OF THESE AND KNOW THAT YOUR INFORMATION IS HELPING SO MANY TO UNDERSTAND AND REALIZE WHERE THIS IS COMING FROM AND HOW TO REACT TO IT.🌹
@RossRosenberg 3 жыл бұрын
Thank you Gail for your comment! Ross has new videos on this subject: kzfaq.info/get/bejne/d82Df92VzbKpc2g.html. Also a couple of seminars that may be helpful are: - www.selfloverecovery.com/collections/video-seminars-downloads/products/escaping-narcissistic-abuse-stages-4-and-5 - www.selfloverecovery.com/collections/video-seminars-downloads/products/the-observe-don-t-absorb-technique
@jollyjokress3852 10 жыл бұрын
I'm so glad I got out of this cycle!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Dad's a narcissist, my chef, my roommate and my former crush. But since I got independent of such people, I feel myself thriving and I can now bond to NORMAL people... I've been so helpless in many ways without ever realizing it. But if you have Narcissists around you that wear you down it's quite hard to become a person with both her feet on the ground, but it's possible. I feel kind of sad for the Narcissists since they are victims of parents who used their children as a projection of being their saviour.
@smoothandchunky1 9 жыл бұрын
I watched this several months ago. I am watching it again and it has even more meaning now than it did then. This is a key point: Observing gave me perspective and helped me walk away from the narc gf and see her for the unstable person she is. Thank you for this and thank God for giving me the strength to do it!
@yinyang2385 8 жыл бұрын
Isn't there a risk that overtime"observing" gradually turns into "submission and denial"?Also how does "observing" benefit the situation when your dealing with a narcissist that regularly makes demands, threatens and takes action when they dont get results? What happens when the narcissist exploits the "observation" technique as an oppurtunity to cross even more boundries due to lack of consequence or intervention? My father has Narcissistic Personality Disorder and he constantly rages at my mother and I if we fail to meet his expectations and demands. If he's standing there saying "you didn't wipe the floor properly, I can still see stains, do it again or else..." how do you just be the observer in a situation like that? There are so many times where I took on the role of the observer rather than participate in his petty arguments but soon as I refuse to engage it escalates the situation as he begins threatening me, destroys my property and bans me from using the car, tv etc.. I blame my mother for her role in this as she enforced me to also take on the role of the observer and without anyone to stand up to that monster he now behaves like a rabid dog that has no chain to restrict him. Being the silent observer for so many years has taken its toll on my mother as she no longer has a voice. Also lately my mother has progressed into denial to cope with the abuse. Everytime he goes into a rage she wipes it clear from her memory which gives him even more freedom to hurt me and then deny it whenever she does.
@aileenelizabethtrip8269 5 жыл бұрын
That's so tragic, but you have the power to leave... It won't be pleasant and will have to be done by subterfuge but maybe something like womans refuge will help you... You can not tell your mother though or it will not work. & unfortunately you may have to cut contact... But for yourself, you can get off the crazy bus and get help to start to heal.
@joolspools777 3 жыл бұрын
I would leave if i could
@Feretii 3 жыл бұрын
That's a good topic which needs to be addressed! What do you guys think, is there any solution for this, other than leaving? Or the leaving is the only solution.
@rupertmiller4760 7 жыл бұрын
God bless you brother. Fantastic video! You are doing a great service for civilization.
@WantAFarm 7 жыл бұрын
This is fantastic advise. It works. Of course, there are "added complications", no matter what..... For example, many of us experience narcs who block us from leaving, so the ability to stay detached can be worn down. I guess that just proves how necessary some sort of permanent escape has to be the goal, while detachment can help keep you strong enough to get to that goal. God bless all of us out there, struggling for freedom from narcs - covert and overt. The journey is a beautiful one. Sorrows of all kinds are out there. It's all part of this thing we call life! : )
@yoonsookim6546 7 жыл бұрын
This is very beautiful and realistic advise! Perfect one! Thank you so much!!!
@MishkaK68 6 жыл бұрын
I just came out of a relationship with a sociopath/narcissist. The extent of his lies went beyond anything I could have ever imagined and I was not aware of any of it until he suddenly stonewalled me. He actually goes as far as playing the victim and uses the above technique to "detach" himself and not be affected by other people's reactions, except in his case, it is reactions to his damaging actions. He has such a blatant and false online persona, it is sickening. I thought he was the love of my life until the very end but he turned out to be a wolf in sheep's skin. The deceit and manipulation of these people is simply beyond devastating. :(
@beachbunny7256 6 жыл бұрын
thank you so much! I found you at a critical time!!! I'm in a crisis. I never realized my husband was a narcissist until I read an article about men who cheat and then blame their wives. They said, it's a narcissistic trait. I was shocked!! I've been watching your videos all day and I feel like I have support and some tools to use!! God bless you!
@ladysmith7747 6 жыл бұрын
Another technique that I learned was to simply observe the narcissist. I would silently pray for him while he was doing his thing. Afterwards, I would make a short note and tuck it in a notebook. At the end of the week I would take the little notes out and pray for him. Did he change? NO. But by using that practice I was not drawn in and I changed. I got myself out the situation in the most graceful way. It was way for me to protect myself until I had the strength to leave.
@BL-rb7jm 2 жыл бұрын
This is one video I remember that helped me to be stronger to leave a bad relationship
@englishroberts7419 8 жыл бұрын
these techniques are what i have been using recently with my father (who i also work with for a living). it is an eye-opening experience to sit back and see his ego dance around, trying to get mine aroused and joining in the dance. i keep him at a distance, but your talk gave me the realization about physical effects, as well as the fact that, while intentional and controlled, it *is* still dissociation which means i'm *still* neglecting and ignoring my body's signals. trying to be in touch with my own needs, feelings and desires necessitates removing myself entirely from any dynamic that requires dissociation. so, thank you:) and i know that this technique will help people
@ibrayes4239 7 жыл бұрын
44JesusIsLord44 You're right. It works. But it's really hurting me too. I'm uncapable of showing negative emotions to the people that do care. Which makes me seems less sad or angry. It made me lose a ton of friends too. I geuss it's saving my life, but when I do get out of this abuse I truly wonder if I can be normal again.
@englishroberts7419 7 жыл бұрын
Ibra Yes I think you can come back to normal, but it might take some processing. see, when you hide and stuff emotions (essentially what this is), but dont have a way to let them out later, they will eventually have to come out and it isnt always pretty. but after that, you can come out of it in one piece and be normal again. therapy might help. but it is definitely possible, i know from my own journey
@diannat3704 9 жыл бұрын
Maryann Krajacic could not disagree with you more. to me, Ross Rosenberg comes across very human, at times stuttering or repeating himself, an air of humility. Who cares if he's referring to notes. I think he's doing a fine job as is.
@AMsamification 9 жыл бұрын
I listened to him because he was NOT smooth or an OPERATOR. He was not trying to be a movie star. He has some nature of being a caring person as well as a healthy self promotion that is necessary to continue his work and proliferate help for us
@blissfulbaboon 5 жыл бұрын
Yes,I certainly agree.Ross Rosenberg feels genuinely empathic , human, emotionally warm and accessible,.
@alexsmith9983 10 жыл бұрын
good video!! i managed to come to these conclusions myself after much research. on applying it though, as i observed my mother patheticly trying to manipulate me, i just burst out laughing. when your eyes are open to their techniques they are so pitiful,saying anything to hook you into an argument and suffering exponentially when they see in your eyes that you don't give a *****. tomorrow she's leaving what she doesn't know is that this is goodbye for good, my joy cannot be expressed in words, is like i'm being reborn!! i wish all the best to everyone dealing with this problem, learn, internalize, breathe and get rid of them.
@katherinelydon7306 3 жыл бұрын
For those who practice this technique in front of their children, Bravo! You are showing them how to love themselves. Hopefully the narc isn’t their mom or dad.🥺
@Nancy-yw1rr 8 жыл бұрын
How long do you watch and listen to a Narcissist when they are yelling and screaming? It's very difficult to listen when they "speak" at top volume for extended periods of time.
@blondego56 8 жыл бұрын
ikr...i am Married to a manipulative, cussing. demeaning man who goes from knowing God & falling prey to garbage his dad dud to him & recycling it onto me :'( It us difficult not to RE act & get equally defensive...
@nealryder2857 7 жыл бұрын
Immediately. Set a boundary, don't tolerate emotional/psychological abuse. Leave the room. "We'll talk about this later."
@motivate668 7 жыл бұрын
my wife is the same!!!i have been married for maybe two months and we are already in counseling . Im so close to divorcing her.
@aileenelizabethtrip8269 5 жыл бұрын
@@motivate668 a lot of people have pre-marriage counselling... Having been widowed & approaching a new one, I reccomend it as it can surface & work through issues before they strike a marriage.
@ForeverFilters 5 жыл бұрын
Aileen Elizabeth Stephens I agree with you . We went to counseling.. she stopped going when the therapist started pointing out things she didn’t like !!
@GRACE-ew3uc 6 жыл бұрын
yes! "Do not throw your pearls to the swine!" 👐👐👐💕
@steved7961 8 жыл бұрын
Excellent advice. I am dealing with a very difficult person and this has been extremely helpful to me.
@tonygee8277 9 жыл бұрын
I am currently going thru recovery from living in a toxic home where I had no idea what a sociopath even less what narcissism was, never really new anything about psychology, it was such a heartache and all I gotta say is that it felt like I went to hell and conquered it, really scary what they are capable of...I'm blessed to know my heart very well,even though I was being manipulated by my ex and her mother, I just didn't want to believe they were intentionally trying to wreck each other's lifes, I've thought about going to a therapist but then again I don't want to land one that is just interested in my money, have met a couple of them before. I wish I would've seen these videos as I went thru my experience, FOLLOW YOUR HEART, MAKE SURE YOU BRING YOUR MIND WITH YOU. KEEP SANE AND DETACHE YOURSELF FROM THE WICKED,
@iahelcathartesaura3887 8 жыл бұрын
Pure platinum gold info here.
@iahelcathartesaura3887 8 жыл бұрын
Interesting... fwiw your comments about how you can look at poison, pick up the bottle etc but don't drink it, reminds me of the biblical story in Genesis in which God says man could eat of all the trees but not the tree of divided/fragmented knowledge. I've heard bible teachers say that means it was okay to touch it, handle or look at it, but not eat it. And I've heard also how narcissism is the devil's logic & way of thinking & behaving/relating. To divide us from our unity with "SONG" (self, others, nature & God) Just thoughts relating thru my pineal gland as I hear this... my truth.
@iahelcathartesaura3887 8 жыл бұрын
+trinity seven The "Tree Of The Knowledge Of Good & Evil" is the same thing as "The Tree Of Divided/Fragmented Knowledge" fyi. That is simply another translation of the original Biblical language of the name of this tree in the Book of Genesis, and a deeper and more descriptive name for this tree, what it means, and the effect it had on mankind to partake of it. What exactly was your point in your comment?
@iahelcathartesaura3887 8 жыл бұрын
+trinity seven Before mankind partook of the fruit of this tree which in the Book of Genesis was forbidden by the Creator, our knowledge was whole and not fragmented and divided between good and evil. We simply knew good and saw evil for what it was. Our perception was pure & perfect, as Creator willed for us to originally be, and we were not torn between good & evil in our nature or filled with a mixture of both. We were also not able to be compartmentalized, mind-controlled and programmed by the demonic powers that be, which are now in control of our world, our government and have always been so since the Fall of mankind in the garden of Eden. This is what I observe to be truth, fact & human history. And this is what I was referring to in my comment.
@theresemeggitt8455 8 жыл бұрын
This advice is very good! I have always yelled and got stressed out from my narcissist ex! Or, have been overly emotional because it seems like he cared less and was always in his own World. Which he was. Just leave this type of person doesn't deserve you. It's all about them and they enjoy hurting you.
@hiran4935 7 жыл бұрын
happened to me too. I just realized to leave her instead of trying to make sense in her.
@blissfulbaboon 5 жыл бұрын
Beautifully articulated! Thank you for this brilliant instruction.This is a powerful practice that totally works for me.I also practice diaphragmatic breathing while I am observing and not absorbing.The deep breath really helps me stay relaxed and grounded and easily detached while observing.
@kidsmoked 7 жыл бұрын
Fantastic advice. I remember once when I didn't give a reaction that he was looking for - I gave nothing. For a moment his fear was palpable and he even touched me to turn me to look at him so he could look into his addictive mirror.
@andreasleonlandgren3092 4 жыл бұрын
When you start to observe you take your power back. Do not drink the poison. I used to believe that not engaging was cold but is self-preservation.
@RC2214 7 жыл бұрын
wow thank you for this video. this is going to help me so much. My husband actually told me some of these techniques but now it's even more clear for me to understand and follow these scenarios.
@nouveaxriche5595 9 жыл бұрын
RR, thank you for these videos. I was in a relationship with a BPD woman for years. Dealing with her was the most unpleasant experience of my entire life. You are right. It is okay to look at poison, and observe poison, but not ingest poison. Watching your videos allowed me to finally completely detach and start working to find relationships that were actually positive for myself.
@joelchamberlain9620 11 ай бұрын
Amazing advice! Thank you so much for sharing. Praying for forgiveness and a peace that passes all understanding for those who have been abused by a narcissist.
@thehumbleservant213 8 жыл бұрын
2 narcissistic relationships spanning 30 years. i recently found out about this disorder. i had no clue. the narcissist came over the other day. he has played with our children's love all these years. i tried to keep quiet and just kinda stare at him mostly, but i had watched a week of narcissism videos. i could not help but laugh at him. i totally confused him. the laughing infuriated him. he started yelling. he started patting my 20 year old son on the back. i said stop yelling. he yelled that he was not yelling. he then asked my son if he was yelling. my son said he was not yelling. wow! i saw how the truth was thrown out the window in front of my face and he manipulated my son. how in the heck can i keep from giggling at the crazy antics now that i know about narcissism? i know they are scary insane. 14 years ago i had to run for my life with this one, literally. help! anybody? this one is a huge drama king. it's funny.
@cacatr4495 8 жыл бұрын
They despise ridicule, and he interpreted your laughter as exactly that, Ridicule. He has trained your son now too, setting him up for an enabler's future of unhappy relationships too. Can you separate yourself and your children from this Self-worshipping Ego? While it is sad, and can be funny, he is continuing to do damage, and that needs to be abated. Are you going to go No Contact, your son and you? That's the only answer.
@lorimiller4301 8 жыл бұрын
+C Aslaneh Why do you tell everyone to leave ? I can't. If I could he would call seniors abuse on me anyway. When someone is disabled, broke and has animals they can't just leave.
@cacatr4495 8 жыл бұрын
Lori Miller I see now, your situation. The reason I tell everyone to leave is because it's the ONLY answer. Staying is not an answer, it is impossible for health and peace. I know that what I am about to say will sound impossible, but there have been others who have been disabled, broke, and have animals, who were looked upon as their parent's caregivers, who realized they needed to leave and doggedly found a way to do it. I understand it's more challenging than the average situation, believe me, I understand. But staying still isn't a workable option, only leaving is, with your animals going with you, disabled, broke, etc. If you were to speak with a senior's advocate about finding him some other caretaker because you have to leave, then with a destination, you could. I know it sounds overwhelming, it always does with high cortisol/ low testosterone (the hormonal result of abuse). But there can be a way to leave. For every problem, there's a corresponding answer, but we have to determine to find that answer. Yours truly was in the same condition, disabled, broke, and animals, and I'm free. Lift up your head; there's a way, it means finding a moral way. I'm not trying to sound trite, but "impossible" answers always sound trite. I empathize with you.
@thehumbleservant213 8 жыл бұрын
C Aslaneh i totally agree with you comment. the narc dad left us when the kids were very young and he never did and never does come around much. i told my kids that since he used absence of his love that this is a ploy. when he ever does show up, i notice they are hungry for his crumbs. makes me sick. i told the kids, but it might take awhile to sink in because they think normally that a father loves his children. it is hard to comprehend the lunacy. i do the best i can with them since i found NPD only recently. your wise words are much appreciated.
@THESEARETHESHORTDAYS 9 жыл бұрын
I understand what he is saying in the video. I GET it. But why should we give these people our time in hours and hours of this toxic observing? Maybe once or twice just to feel better in control of one's self again (as opposed to the wild rollercoaster ride of emotions they put you through everytime they need a hit.) But as soon as you can "see reality" then you need to take a mental snapshot even write a journal entry about your experience of observing. Why? Because these people are so very skilled at "pretending normal" - they often fool you into a state of denial/acceptance of their last episode.... that will never be resolved in a healthy way for you. EVER.. NEVER EVER EVER. THIS IS JUST THE WAY IT IS. DONT EVER SHOW THESE PIRINAHS YOUR BLEEDING HEART OR A SINGLE TEAR BECAUSE THEY THINK THEY JUST HIT THE LOTTERY THEY KNOW THEY HAVE JUST SECURED LIFETIME SUPPLY. UNTIL THEY BURY YOU. THEN ITS ON TO THE NEXT. WHILE YOU STILL HAVE BREATH... GET OUT. DONT LOOK BACK OR YOU WILL BE LIKE LOTS WIFE... turned to a pillar of salt. They are true masters of every kind of manipulation, domination, intimidation, accusation, condemnation, retaliation YOU NAME IT. THEY DO NOT HAVE THE CAPACITY TO FEEL REMORSE OR EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. THEY ARE LIKE DEAD
@Mhdogman 8 жыл бұрын
I have been dealing with an extremely difficult person by no choice regular for about 8 months now. In general I'm a very caring individual. Thru self preservation after studying this person's interactions with others including myself. Walking away in complete disbelief that someone could be so rude and nasty, then turn right around and blame another and on and on. I instinctively did exactly this. I refused to let them get me emotionally involved. I watched the manipulative threatening actions. And I then began to instead of hate this person, i actually felt pity for them. And I realize they are an adult that is stuck in non reality. This person I've known for 35 years and has always been a pathological lier. This is the best advice for dealing with these kinds of individuals I've seen so far. It really works awesome.It's kinda fun to watch them melt down because they cannot push your buttons. I find it character building as I've viewed most difficult situations in my life. Smiles
@maryjazzar6796 10 жыл бұрын
Hi thanks for this . It helps a lot. I am getting ready to turn 58yrs old. I am learning boundaries for these covert narissict people. I have been with these people around me from birth. Boundary setting is not easy. However I can not let them stay in my head rent free with my health to suffer. Please keep these video coming. Bless you . Mary
@catspajamas2961 6 жыл бұрын
It's also important to keep in mind that if a narcissist is insulting you to your face, making fun of you to your face, etc., they are also insulting you, making fun of you, and running smear campaigns against you behind your back. Not reacting to their abuse does not stop that, and actually allows it to go on. While you are observing and not absorbing, your reputation is being ruined with your permission (if you know about narcissism/psychopathy). And that's actually if you're lucky. If you're not lucky, they are figuring out how to kill your pets, which has happened to me personally, and how to damage your home, which has also happened to me personally, and to do physical damage to you, which has happened to me personally as well, all by my narc/psychopath mother, before I went no contact. From what I hear, the smear campaign is still going on. There's much more than this, because I was taught from childhood not to react to abuse, and to just allow it to continue.
@christie883 6 ай бұрын
That is a very valid point, because it is totally True!
@ChuckFasst 10 жыл бұрын
I schooled myself on this my first go around with a female N years ago and still came out of it quite damaged. It took about a year of absorbing and the 2nd. and last year as observer. Then it was still a couple more years of recovery after she was long gone. 12 or so years later I would fall head over heels into another one's N World. Again it took me a year to get the picture and then another year of hot and cold hell. This one was far more powerful. My life was damaged permanently by trying to hang onto her world while praying for miracles. The nastiness and vindictiveness that came out of NOWHERE was completely overpowering. The things she went and did - I never, NEVER could have imagined. I would come to possess a kind of white hot hate I never could have imagined. I would give every wordly possession to just regress back to who I was before this creature ever came into my life ... just start all over. I have become "Nfected" - there is no getting rid of that.
@369pendulum 6 жыл бұрын
Chuck Fasst damn man what did she do?
@cyndimoring9389 6 жыл бұрын
Pre Law, I don't know what she did but I can guess that she got him thinking he was the crazy one. Something we can buy into & then start doubting everything about ourselves. My narc finally showed how cold he was. Blamed me for it. Said I was the crazy one and if I just did things his way it would be fine. So I did. Until I realized he'd tear me down when I was doing NOThING too.
@smiley27b 6 жыл бұрын
Chuck Fasst there is no going back but there is a way to move forward and heal! There are so many resources, books, and vids on how to heal. You can do it! It's so hard but amazing 🙂
@aileenelizabethtrip8269 5 жыл бұрын
I get you. I had horrendous things inflicted & with my recent paintings I suspect I still have some cold frozen anger, but my faith is what has assisted me to move forward beyond what I ever thought possible. Many times I have been challenged to forgive and stepped forward willing to, but knowing that I have not got the power to do it in my own strength... But G_d makes us able to do as he asks. & I know even going no contact for wisdoms sake, that eventually I will work through this with G_d's help.
@nlind5515 3 жыл бұрын
Respect its (narcissisms) pathological power. That's a great way to look at it, almost as a natural force unto itself, like a tornado or hurricane. I've often felt like I was in the midst of a tornado when in contact with the narcissist in my life. No wonder why it always felt like a state of disaster after he left.
@vivianyost5184 8 жыл бұрын
Dr. Ross, I love this video. It has helped me tremendously by learning to practice the mantra and to observe more verses absorb. I feel stronger and spiritually healthy that my boundaries are respected.
@chrisa6455 8 жыл бұрын
Thank you so much for this insight .I was allowing myself to be pulled in .Now I have the keys and will work on my new skills.it is hard when it's your adult child .you love them I won't kick her out if my life A mothers love😪
@janinesmith9141 9 жыл бұрын
This is going nowhere and I'm not giving it my energy and move on is what I hear him saying. I've been there and that little voice inside you that values truth and wants to right things will be harmed if you expose it to a narcissist. That may sound silly or strange but that is the part of you they are attacking and testing. You protect that part of you when you don't engage them. It's tempting to get drawn in if you feel strong but that's the wrong route because they will never see your side. It's best to politely disengage as soon as possible and keep your distance. If you come near they'll try to pull you in.
@cyndimoring9389 6 жыл бұрын
the little voice has been what's pulled me in over & over. You are so right, they know they sound crazy and they want to see what you do. Thank you for putting it this way. I'll remember it.
@JennyLeigh93 5 жыл бұрын
I always want to bring the truth into the light of day but it's not my job and it doesn't work that way
@sandi5276 5 жыл бұрын
I recnetly discovered this video, and used the technique on the raging narc in y life. It worked; the person gave up after failing to rile me, and all is calm again until the person's next attempt. But now i am strong, and in control. I observe, not absorb. Thank you Ron.
@matilda4406 5 жыл бұрын
This was really helpful. Retaining power and dignity through disconnection boundaries.
@vfromthaburg 7 жыл бұрын
people/family/friends have always asked me," what is it tht hes doing to you, youre crying, in pain and you havent explained what hes doing?"... THAT'S THE THING, thats what i could never ever explain to anyone for years..its gotten so bad and depressing to me until i feel as if im not emotionally connected,such deep depression in the Fact tht he LACKS total capability in having sincere love and the ability to show it...i married this man, the sad thing is tht i did it after yrs and yrs of him revealing complete And utter hell to me...what was the complete mind fuk to me was tht the abuse not only came frm him but frm his NARCPATH family, mother,aunts,grandfather...these ppl condoned his behavior his mother loved it...whats eeven more insane is tht he knew tht my mother was schizophrenic and bc of tht knowledge hed always call me crazy and tht what i was thinking or thought was wrong..if youre a child and you have a parent tht has mental issues,one of the things that you constantly think is how you dnt want to end up like tht parent..what id ALWAYS say is ,"Why did you do tht to me, id never do tht to you" and it seems soo repetitive, this year alone im sure ive said tht 1000 times or more...it juust hurts soo badly tht he CANT feel, he CANT react in conversation like any real person...all tht i know now is tht i WILL NEVER Be with anyone tht displays behaviour like this...pray for me friends...
@lyndiex4215 7 жыл бұрын
Venus X praying for us both. kicked a narc Asshat to da curb 3 yrs ago n aint looking Back. all the lies...acting..fake bullshit..sooo Over it. He can go back to hell...where he came frm. Life has been simply Wonderful without the xtra drama only they can provide
@27scole 9 жыл бұрын
Next time you find yourself in such climate, know I'm on your side :)
@Rbl7132 3 жыл бұрын
It helped me to realize that the negative and hard words of the narcisist are coming, not from their core soul, but from their narcicism dictating to them what to say. Its not the real them speaking. They have no control over their actions. Its a defense mechanism.
@lisadowdy6860 4 жыл бұрын
This is so powerful. Thank you Mr. Rosenberg for sharing this.
@RossRosenberg 4 жыл бұрын
You are very welcome
@momoffour2004 9 жыл бұрын
"Wrestling with a pig." Perfect! Great advice and thank you for putting these videos out, they are very helpful.
@professorbland 10 жыл бұрын
this was great. could you please post a video about how to recover from narcissistic abuse, specifically how to deal with lingering introjections and anger that persist after the codependent has left the relationship? I have been finding it very difficult to find clear, direct techniques to mitigate this issue in any of the literature I've seen on codependency so far.
@RossRosenberg 10 жыл бұрын
Not all of what I do can be reduced to a video. I work with clients to help them with the issues you asked me to post a video on. Let me know if you want to schedule a consultation appointment, during which I can answer these complicated but very important questions; Thanks for the feedback! Best, Ross
@professorbland 10 жыл бұрын
Ross Rosenberg nevermind! I figured it out. thanks though! I look forward to more videos.
@MsGroovalicious 10 жыл бұрын
professorbland Could you tell me what you learned? I'm in the same boat. Thanks.
@professorbland 10 жыл бұрын
deksper i have it already :3
@Bronxlady1 10 жыл бұрын
Well, mostly I think we ( the proverbial "we"), are mostly mad at our self for getting pulled into the mess. I say... Don't be mad (angry) with yourself. Instead you should be very pleased with yourself for breaking out. Congratulate yourself and celebrate your strength and courage to break away from the creepy loser. Take yourself out to a Broadway show, or a fancy restaurant. Buy a new bed, or a sofa. Pop a bottle of wine. Enjoy! Why not!
@louisianagrandma9787 6 жыл бұрын
Thank you. I will try your technique. I'm a 68 yr. old daughter caregiver for my 90 yr. old mother...and it's been from time to time, hell. I have a lifetime of reacting and being frustrated and depressed. I can see how I've been caught in this awful web.
@moeskido 8 жыл бұрын
Wish I'd had access to information like this thirty years ago. Thank you, sir.
@baggypurplepants7372 9 жыл бұрын
Gotta say tho- victims can feel their own suffering. Don't you think we would have run the other way at the first sign of psycho? But we are hemmed in to situations on which our survival depends. We CAN'T get away... It is not that survivors are "codependent" or any other label. THE PROB IS THAT WE ARE TRAPPED. You can try to escape, but there are so many traps set all around that one cannot avoid them. And so we resign and become suicidal. Because so many people have CHOSEN to be evil with their own free will. *But if the good folk band together and ostracize the narcissists, they will starve in the street. They will not be offered jobs and therefore will be destitute and dying. We are stronger than them pound for pound. Starve the parasites. We can do it together.*
@AromieWorship 9 жыл бұрын
Bold. But I feel like narcissists control many domains of society, sadly...
@k8ddid 9 жыл бұрын
Supposedy codependents are overly empathtic to the narc than a non -codependent
@kenwatson7771 9 жыл бұрын
Great idea, but how do we keep narcissist from overrunning it? This is why we as a people/world are in such trouble.
@baggypurplepants7372 9 жыл бұрын
ken watson we have to start standing up to it. like when someone bullies another, or hazes another... very much including dirty jokes and off color comments (psychopathic behavior on a small scale), we have to say "not cool!" on a large scale, we have to spread knowledge wherever possible about the power structure.
@TheShivaspirit 4 жыл бұрын
@@baggypurplepants7372 I agree...its the little things that they get away with...that encourages them into becoming better at their evil games. We should stop it as it's starts, but it takes a collective team effort by empathetic community to enforce these measures. Most empathetic people are too caring to pull someone up on their bad behaviour. IV struggled with this concept. A Double edge sword...balancing negative & positive....while trying NOT to fall over into negative space.. hoping for them to fall into Positive space. God Bless this idea to happen for the benefit of caring and empathetic souls. The world will benefit
@nmenme9964 8 жыл бұрын
this is good helpfull stuff thank you
@taydupreez8555 5 жыл бұрын
The narc cannot handle this. They literally begin to squirm and get desperate and expose themselves and then find some way to withdraw to recoup because they lose control of the situation. It's so heartening to know that I was already resorting this to as a safety mechanism. I didn't realise how powerful this tool was until after I left nor how much it unsettles the narc. Thank you so much for your videos. They are incredibly helpful and motivating and give me hope that I can get myself and my life back.
@baxterd42 3 жыл бұрын
Dr Rosenberg I would like to say thank you. You have helped me find myself. First time in 50 yrs. I love me.. the imperfect me...
@RossRosenberg 3 жыл бұрын
So glad. Keep up the good work Dawn.
9 жыл бұрын
somehow I'm thinking that the narcissists might start to hit you if you just observe
@MegaTrivial 9 жыл бұрын
Yes, because they may think that you are controlling them, when you don´t do. Because you may observe when you want to get to know a person, but in another case you may also observe when you want to catch a person in a crime, a lie or something... The second one they are afraid, and the first one they don´t believe, because they don´t believe in love I guess is the reason... I don´t know if they may react the same if you observe them in private things where usually people react, but they maybe would´t do, probably due to a need of being confirmed, believed, understood and seen even in private, as a part of a need of exhibitionism... I am not sure if they have, but I believe it may be ... Wasn´t thinking about this before.. What do you think?
9 жыл бұрын
Aquila Aer well, it's possible that the narcissist gets angry or frustrated if he/she notices that their manipulation is not working. Their thought may not be about you controlling them, but rather just that they are not in control over you.
@markedgette4311 6 жыл бұрын
guitarDouchebaggery let them hit you call the police.
@xtina1fan 6 жыл бұрын
guitarDouchebaggery good point. I️ think this technique varies person to person. My narc can’t stand to be ignored so I️ have to respond to what he’s saying while I’m observing him. I️ usually laugh because his games are pathetic but I️ don’t laugh in a mocking way (well that’s what he thinks) I️ just try to lighten the mood. Works with my Narc. He usually leaves once he realizes I’m not going to give him what he wants which is a reaction.
@TheNorma 9 жыл бұрын
Very helpful info. Wish I know this sooner
@sao9849 9 жыл бұрын
This was a good find
@danielmeegan6259 9 жыл бұрын
thanks for the lesson jackpot
@TheNorma 9 жыл бұрын
ṤⱧǠ ᴆŐƜ It sure is. I feel empowered!
@TheNorma 9 жыл бұрын
Daniel Meegan It is a jackpot indeed! I'm watching more of this guys stuff!
@willslondon 9 жыл бұрын
Yes my lovely norma
@sibylwagner3745 3 жыл бұрын
Dear Dr Ross, Thank you very much for your videos. You give me so much strength and understanding during my divorce from my pervert narcissistic alcoholic husband after 12 years of mariage and commun life. Many times I was falling back into his trap, but thanks God and thanks to your teaching I now found the strength to go through with the divorce. It is so sad to realize that despite the narcissist loves you he always will need to destroy you....but as you say, first step out of this co dependency for empath’s or sfdd’s is to improove selfesteem, the rest follows almost automatically. The awakening occurs when one finally realizes that its or drawning in hell with the abuser and waste or even loose ones precious life or leave him to live a positive life, even alone....I will buy your book to learn more about the subject and to prevent myself from another manipulater🙏
@RossRosenberg 3 жыл бұрын
Thanks for sharing Sibyl. You can find Ross's book in different formats here: www.selfloverecovery.com/collections/human-magnet-syndrome-books
@Jordan-ot7qf 5 жыл бұрын
Wow...my autism really isn’t this bad. My PTSD really isn’t this bad. I really am innocent and I was telling the truth through all of it. Thank God I’m free, seriously. They basically watched me die, and had the audacity to ask me what was wrong. After 24 years I’ve finally cut off my emotionally, financially, religiously abusive mother, and the passive aggressive narcissistic sociopathic younger sibling she enabled and mobbed with. The brainwashing is finally over. I wake up and put on my lab coat to observe. Until I can actually leave here soon... Thank you for all you do I really don’t hate myself. I really don’t want to die anymore. My depression is literally leaving me !!!!!!!!!!!!
@smedleybutler9604 10 жыл бұрын
this is my mother and sister.... they have plotted against me and schemed my whole life and I was just confused and too dense to know it. HOw do I ever heal from this? She is my mother and I cant seem to get away... Help
@katerinakiaha6925 5 жыл бұрын
smedley Butler I hope you disengaged and are healthier now☺.
@RiaRadioFMHD773 8 жыл бұрын
It is a bit humorous to me as I do this already & did not realize this was what it is called. I do find that I get called names like b*tch because I am not manipulated by their mental games. I often find they are severe attention seekers & like to spread their drama by gossip. I let my friends know that they know me and the truth. They told me they already know and were entertained by gossip when it pertained to me.
@kathleendingee4645 4 жыл бұрын
This is the best advice on how to handle toxic behavior. Thank you. Saves and protects your sanity as well!
@RossRosenberg 4 жыл бұрын
You are so welcome Kathleen! Thanks for the support.
@lomias 8 жыл бұрын
this has been extremely therapeutic for me...wow thanks a lot!
@kikuta5 9 жыл бұрын
I think there's more narcissists than just 1 out of 100. More like 10% of the population imo
@katerinakiaha6925 5 жыл бұрын
kikuta5 more like 40 percent. conservatively.
@1RPJacob 8 жыл бұрын
This is what helped me: "First they ignore you, then they ridicule you, then they fight you, and then you win." This mindset was so congruent with me, that in the end of the stage 2, I was on purpose provoke, using her psycho tricks, just to enjoy the show.... I was dead serious when I was doing it Me: my mother is a narc, she fucked my brain, she did this and that... Her: Why do you have still contact her, by the way now "I understand why you were so bad to me" (let's start the game) Me: "Me bad to you, you were crazy you did this and this...to me" (get the bait baby hahaha) Her: "What are you taking, you are.... you should visit a doctor" (oh, doctor , again ;)) Me: "You are right, I am sorry, you are right... I will visit a doctor, , I must be mad" (let's flip 180 degree hahah) Her: "yes, you should...." Me: "How do you do it, that you always are so strong , and you always win with me?" (hahaha) Her: "What?" Me: "Nothing, I think I start love you again" (hahahah you wish narc bi*ch) Guys don't give up, after a while you will see that narcs are not so brights...they are so easy to be manipulated with their own weapons.
@SA-px3ln 3 жыл бұрын
This is so on point. How did you not absorb their energies?
@1RPJacob 3 жыл бұрын
@@SA-px3ln I accepted that the relationship is going to be terminated and I will be "blamed/shamed" for it.
@SA-px3ln 3 жыл бұрын
@@1RPJacob this sounds exactly like my mom. Only difference is you aren’t emotional mentally affected by her? When I’m around her I can feel sense dark energies around her. Sensitive ppl can’t be around these kind of ppl and also can’t let go.. trying to make them understand. It’s bs I hate this. I don’t know how to mentally let her go.. even knowing she’s a narc. Yo it’s evil spirit lol
@1RPJacob 3 жыл бұрын
@@SA-px3ln I accepted that the relationship is over (went no contact) despite being emotionally affected.
@lozbomb436 4 жыл бұрын
I’ve used this technique for the past 3 or 4 years and even in its simplicity, it was an absolute game-changer for me, particularly in a situation where it is difficult to go no-contact. It is like a mantra to me whenever I deal with my narc to this day, and I highly recommend it to anyone working to wrest control back over their lives and wellbeing xxx thank you Ross
@RossRosenberg 4 жыл бұрын
So glad to read this! Thank you for your support. In case you have not watched the full seminar: www.selfloverecovery.com/collections/bestsellers/products/the-observe-don-t-absorb-technique we are having a SALE at the store. 33% OFF with code SUMMER20 at checkout.
@lozbomb436 4 жыл бұрын
Ross Rosenberg my pleasure! I will check it out, cheers all the best 😊
@rarecombo 8 жыл бұрын
This is exactly what i needed to hear at this point. Thank you!
@RDNSAPBTS 9 жыл бұрын
Great video. I have been doing this for the past week. It does actually work. However there are a few draw backs...first I would like to point out, that after a day of me being momo tone and un emotional he begins to think something "is up" with me. And it actually makes him more angry and volitile. Second...not being respected or heard by someone I unemotionally attach from during conversation and day to day life, but actually love unequivocally, begins to get very frustrating and it turns inward, making me feel hopless for the future of our relationship. And finally after a week of doing this I have become very lonley, as I ultimately have no companionship with the man I chose to spend the rest of my life with. Is this a healthy relationship? No. Is this how I am destined to live every day with someone? Aparently. Ultimately I feel the end is near, or councelling is needed.
@kenwatson7771 9 жыл бұрын
It is at the end, unless you want to go on living your life unfulfilled. I've lived through at least three of these relationships and maybe as many as 5. I can tell you I am within a month of being 50, I am tired and lonely, but this is much preferable to a one sided relationship. Get out before it eats up everything that makes you who you are. When that happens I don't know that you can ever substantially recover from it. I used to be a fairly intelligent and articulate guy, now I have to struggle to put together a coherent sentence(probably 15 minutes so far). So if you ever want to live that "normal" kind of life, pick something out of your ordinary and go with it. Just remember that there is always a narcissistic looking for a victim(you). We live in a "blame he victim" society because the narcissists are in control. Do not let anyone place blame on you where/when it is not deserved. Do not let the narcissist be the arbiter of your feelings. Now also beware of this new wave psychobabble bullshit about no one can make you feel bad, hurt, sad or what ever. Because I can: You are a dumb cunt bitch that doesn't want to do what I am telling you. That hurts. It hurts and stays with you forever. I'm so sorry, I wish I could fix that. You know the bad asshole, son of a bitches would use every heart felt thing I said to trap you and draw you in. There is no real way to know until you are already caught, when I love, I love completely. So maybe along that "nobody can make you feel" line I should never love or show my feelings. I, however, am an eternal optimist, SO I WILL FOREVER CHOOSE TO LOVE INSPITE OF THE PAIN.
@Zerafinel 9 жыл бұрын
Get counselling. Go for it.
@walkispacheco88 7 жыл бұрын
Leave if you can. Doctor's advice implies situations where you can't leave.
@jyeunplugged1 8 жыл бұрын
It's positive thinking to be emotionally tooled in dealing with these Narcs, however why should we have to live our lives like that?..Its emotional abuse and should be treated as such. This is where I struggle to comprehend such thinking...Why should a victim of a Narc undergo therapy to deal with a Narc? yet the Narc as many video's stipulate can't be rescued from their traumatic childhood past, have no awareness etc...and thus don't like to be confronted about their behaviours and so project their issues. Simple answer is Walk Away, if a person has caused you so much emotional turmoil, they are not worthy of you. They are not your friend, lover or partner...So Leave..if they continue to try and manipulate you in any way, let them try from afar...Then call the Police and make a complaint about them asap. It's up to each individual how to deal with a Narc...Yes it's a helpful tip video to assist in trying in understanding a Narcs sinister covert intentions..WALK AWAY FAST is far easier
@BeauSC4Ever 8 жыл бұрын
Sometimes, especially if you are legally married and (especially!) you cannot just "walk away". In those types of situations, these videos are VERY helpful.
@TooFIT4You 8 жыл бұрын
+BeauSC4Ever yeah you can. life is a choice. I walked out of my marriage at 36 weeks pregnant with nothing 19yrs ago. my son and I made it...without being treated like sh@t.
@cacatr4495 8 жыл бұрын
BeauSC4Ever Living with a Narcissist is probably the most foolish and damaging things people do. You will look back and realize how true this is, and that a person truly needs to leave the N, because it has lasting affect.
@cacatr4495 8 жыл бұрын
So true!
@ElgaFox 7 жыл бұрын
The observe don't absorb technique is really effective. It has helped me gain the strength and prepective to walk away from another relationship with a charming and controlling narcissist. When I pulled back and observed him, I was really able to see his inability to truly empathise or feel deep emotions. There's a saying 'Give a man enough rope, he will hang himself'. When I pulled back and stopped reacting emotionally, I was able to see all I needed to know about his true nature. I'm ready now to heal the wounds so I can break the unhealthy pattern. Thank you Ross, your videos have helped me so much.
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