patton oswalt - ambien dreams & jerry maguire

Рет қаралды 454,682

samjoejoesam

13 жыл бұрын

Пікірлер: 231

@BeeAre 12 жыл бұрын

i absolutely love his tempo breaks for emphasis. "Capital idea, old sport! VOMIT."

@johnroper1197 4 жыл бұрын

I heard this joke 5 years ago. Fast forward to now, I just saw Jerry Macquire for the first time, I drank 8 beers while watching it, kinda drunk. I really enjoyed the movie. When he said "We live in a cynical world" I died fucking laughing, I suddenly remembered this Patton joke I heard years ago. Laughed so hard in fact I woke up my pregnant wife. Came to KZfaq to relive the joke, thanks Patton lol. I will always have this on my mind.

@yerk3 7 жыл бұрын

"OH MY GOD, I'M SEEING DEAD KINGS!!!"

@HotaruZoku 5 жыл бұрын

I....dont get it.

@41-Haiku 4 жыл бұрын

Literally slapping my knee and wheezing at that line.

@MuchKoku 4 жыл бұрын

@@HotaruZoku It's a reference to an old Latin poem about 3 kings in the woods being confronted by 3 dead kings who warn them about the dangers of excessive pleasure and materialism.

@SS3Jake. 4 жыл бұрын

I think about the dead kings line probably once a month and it makes me laugh every damn time..I think I first heard it like 4 years ago 😂😂

@Jesse__H 3 жыл бұрын

That line fucking slays me 💀 That, and "Uncle Patton's naked puzzle basement."

@patrickfitzmichael5940 3 жыл бұрын

I love this guy. He's good with his words. His role on King of Queens was funny but masked his true talent. I am now realizing how funny he really is. Keep going Patton!

@fezzik7619 2 жыл бұрын

He was an English major in college. He’s very well-read and has a very good command of the language.

@PennyDreadfuI 12 жыл бұрын

Patton is likely one of his generation's best comedians. I'm pretty jaded and difficult to entertain, but he has me laughing aloud in almost every bit. It's probably because of his mastery of language.

@lutz18692 12 жыл бұрын

You know you're watching a Patton Oswalt video when half the suggestions are batman clips.

@thenaktrix2 9 жыл бұрын

This is crazy. I took it the other day it felt like 50 parts of my brain were trying to dream at once. This is so accurate it's scary. I wish I had watched this first.

@chaosapiant 4 жыл бұрын

I once had butt sex on Ambien. My then-wife was into it and so was I. The next morning, I barely remember it, and she remembers nothing. Ambien...for Butt-Secks.

@chaosapiant 2 жыл бұрын

@@Rustikreign Well thank you!

@chaosapiant 2 жыл бұрын

@@Rustikreign That's how I roll.

@VelvetVoice Жыл бұрын

@@Rustikreign How is one supposed to “instantly” reply to a comment that is a year old already? 😂 I mean, jeez. Remind me never to ask you for a cup of instant coffee - I’d die of thirst! 😂😂😂

@taurnguard 5 жыл бұрын

Better bra ad after the video: "Are you tired of itchy tags, stiff cups, and metal underwire?" Me: "Then stop wearing a bra!"

@chae1557 3 жыл бұрын

Easier said than done 😂

@tehremnantz 11 жыл бұрын

I actually have chronic depression and one day i saw this special premier on comedy central and it turned my entire day around

@lucyhellbroke 4 жыл бұрын

I could be the worst kind of person, and say the most obnoxiously and nauseatingly trite of things... which is, well... You know how they say laughter is the best medicine... I know. I'm sorry. I can't help myself. But in all seriousness? I've suffered from severe and deep-seated chronic depression my entire life, as well literally crippling anxiety. As well as a whole host of other emotional and situational problems that, well, frankly? By themselves, make one hell of a case for Doctor Kevorkian. I'll just put it that way. But with all of the triteness of that previous comment, completely aside, honestly what has always and invariably helped me get over and through some of the absolute most devastating and Soul crushing moments in my life... It always has, always is, and likely always will be to the magic of Comedy. Legitimate, truly talented, relatable and compelling comics. That old expression, if I didn't laugh I would cry? It's been a lot more accurate to phrase it, if I didn't laugh, I'd have laid down and literally died. so yeah, I completely get it. And if your depression runs any way similar to mine, I know how completely exhausting that struggle is... But I can't recommend enough that, When things are getting really bad, hopefully before they do, you continue to seek out Comics that you resonate and relate to, and most importantly, who make you laugh. Keep on fighting, keep on laughing. And good luck.

@ll2240 4 жыл бұрын

@@lucyhellbroke your block of text gave me depression

@Kiljaedenas 4 жыл бұрын

"Put Scarlet Johannson's face on the chainsaw-titted clown"...Fuck I can't breathe!

@blastermasterguy 4 жыл бұрын

(camera zooms in on Tom Cruise's tear-stricken face) Tom Cruise: WE....LIVE....IN A CYNICAL...WORLD! Patton Oswalt's Brother: FUCKKKKK YOOOUUUUU!

@AmyNumberSeven Ай бұрын

I'm addicted to ambien and loved this whole bit.

@georgehays4900 2 жыл бұрын

I like ambien. I do have some odd dreams. I usually get six hours of nice sleep, sometimes I awaken sort of mildly shocked or startled about what I was dreaming, need to empty my bladder. That done I drift of for another hour or two, wake up again similarly. Since I am retired I sometimes go back to sleep again then I’m up no hangover, clear, ready to go.

@jenburke605 12 жыл бұрын

This is my happy place.

@Hilbilly655321 11 жыл бұрын

My mom takes Ambien, and once we were both woken up at 12am by the fire alarm. When she came out of the house she said where's Carly (me), I said I'm right here, and then she said no, where's Carly, to which I said (more loudly) mom, I'm right here, to which she responded no, Carly, the little girl who lives here. It was like something out of The Grudge. Also once she took her pill but didn't go to bed soon enough and ate an entire cherry pie. Ambien's a hell of a drug.

@illusions142 12 жыл бұрын

Ambien is some craaaaazy shit, man. If you've never taken it... holy balls.

@nolongerhuman13 11 жыл бұрын

Ambien makes me cook and eat Bertolli meals in a bag while they are still on the stove!!! And I've eatin protein bars w Tom cruise and American Indians in my kitchen. Then I told the girl I was on the phone with , that there are pigs u dee my bed and she was one of them!! Hahahah she was like what!?!?!?

@Cyge240sx 8 жыл бұрын

His Jerry Maguire bit is on I heart radio I must've listen to that one over 1000 times I can recite it by heart. When he takes that pauses and says "my favorite Christmas memory of all time" in that evil Ratman voice that he has I get way too excited. That and in San Antonio we had the exact same galaxy multiplex

@leemachado5286 4 жыл бұрын

One of my all time favorite comedians!

@Scavenger82 Жыл бұрын

Great, now if I ever watch Jerry Maguire, I won't be able to keep myself from laughing at that part. 🤣

@Thagros 12 жыл бұрын

I lol'ed so fucking hard when I first listened to the Jerry Maguire story on the album. Thanks for uploading.

@Theevil6ify 9 жыл бұрын

I remember when I took some ambien once. I didn't go to sleep for hours, though. It felt like I was on a fucking LSD trip. I swear to God, I'm not kidding, I thought all the furniture in the room were all my best friends (not resembling particular best friends irl, but they just seemed like "people" that I really liked) and that the moon was "spying" on me. Like I'd done something bad and it was going to get me. Then, some time after it took effect, a friend came into the room and started watching some lesbian porn, just disregarding me being all fucked up. And the moments where I actually paid attention to what was on the screen, I didn't get sexually aroused at all (like I probably would while sober), but I literally started to cry a little, and thought of it as "beautiful". Not hot or sexy, but "beautiful", like an art piece or something. But then I finally fell asleep. I didn't try it again, but I get what Patton's saying. It's very trippy, depending on who you are.

@JoggingOnTheMoon 9 жыл бұрын

***** I dig that story. I used to take it all the time - had to, unfortunately, due to horrific insomnia, but i remember i had a lot of great, colorful visions on the ceiling of my pitch-black room in that pre-sleep half hour oswalt talks about. a couple of other things i remember pretty clearly: *a conversation with painted James Dean (I had Boulevard of Broken Dreams hanging over my bed) * another conversation with the characters in some Harry Potter painting, which also hung above my bed, despite the fact that I'm not a Harry Potter fan. I guess I just liked the Van Gogh-type style of it. And they weren't just one-way conversations, either - those sons of bitches were talkin' back.

@Theevil6ify 9 жыл бұрын

JoggingOnTheMoon Yeah, it works to put you to sleep by sort of "activating" or turning on the unconscious mind, which is the part of your brain that works when you sleep and makes you dream, which theoretically should put you to sleep. But sometimes it doesn't, and you're left having a dream while still awake, which explains the trippiness. It's just an "awake dream". I actually feel like taking it again now...

@JoggingOnTheMoon 9 жыл бұрын

***** me too, all this talk (type) about it is getting me nostalgic

@dariendude17 9 жыл бұрын

***** Shit dude, sounds like a party!

@warterbear8009 8 жыл бұрын

I can only imagine. Only experiences ive had with pills. Vicodin - thought i was talking to my friend for hours and it wasnt real at all. Clonazepam (spelling?) thought clouds were coming out of my feet.

@greenyawgmoth 5 жыл бұрын

This video brought to you by Ambien Walrus™.

@mcn625 10 жыл бұрын

Tim Cain..wait until you hear Patton's new special- Tragedy Plus Comedy Equals Time. Absolutely brilliant

@cakes37 11 жыл бұрын

I"M SEEING DEAD KINGS!

@pckrfan93 8 жыл бұрын

"I'm seeing dead kings!" Holy shit, I forgot about that line! That Jerry Maguire joke is SOOOO good. One of my favorite stand-up jokes of all time; just going off of pure funny and not making a socio/political statement in the form of a joke.

@warterbear8009 8 жыл бұрын

Read that wrong at first

@IETCHX69 5 жыл бұрын

IFUCKING HHAATTEE WHENPEOPLETYPEINWHATHESAID . ANDTHENYOUOTHERRETARDSTHUMBSUP . >

@jeremyc9593 4 жыл бұрын

@@IETCHX69 It's called conversing, and is the exact same thing as when you talk to people in real life about movies or TV shows and discuss your favorite parts. It's a stupid fucking thing to get pissed off about.

@sarahbarkley9714 8 жыл бұрын

I just got the news; my thoughts and heart goes out to you, Patton, your daughter, and your family on the passing of your wife.

@Hermunkle 7 жыл бұрын

R.I.P. Return If Possible

@GeorgeNoory42069 6 жыл бұрын

In what world would you believe that Patton Oswalt would see a random comment on a random youtube clone video of one of his specials?

@BikesAndBatallas 5 жыл бұрын

In what world would a random person feel the need to comment on someone other random person's comment intimating heartfelt condolences? Well, I guess this world.

@concord327 10 жыл бұрын

ibuprophen and mucenex cough syrup is giving awesome dreams with plotlines and recurring themes it's awesome

@CavemanJesus4Life 6 жыл бұрын

Last time I took Mucenex, I was competing in a Judo competition and I broke out in hives and had Respiratory problems, and the hives were burning me. Took me an hour of hot water shower to stop the burning. I lost big time, just collapsed on the floor. Good times

@whereisevan 7 жыл бұрын

I hate it when Dream Theater shows up in my dreams.

@CavemanJesus4Life 6 жыл бұрын

I love it, because I know somethings about to go wrong in my dreams. I have no control in them, everything goes wacked. Then it turns to "Ashlyn Gere" and I am happy again!!!

@9juju6 6 жыл бұрын

Evan S I Wanna Rock Your Body (Until the Break of Dawn)

@whereisevan 6 жыл бұрын

that's beautiful, it's like poetry

@nathankuhn9769 5 жыл бұрын

GET INTO MAH CAH!

@muskratrepairservices7701 5 жыл бұрын

I' m not afraid

@magzdilluh 3 жыл бұрын

I once lived in a basement apartment and the landlord lived upstairs and would regularly take ambien. He would routinely eat in his sleep and one night set the house on fire because he put a cheese quesadilla thing in the microwave and set it to 20 minutes instead of two. That was an interesting night.

@nameforcomments4092 4 жыл бұрын

Ahh this takes me back to the first summer I came back home after living in the college dorm. Stuff's just weird and different, but you're only there to sleep and you're only going to be around for like 3 months, so it's not worth even complaining. My mom would take Ambien and then just...not go to sleep. I would be trying to sleep on a futon mattress on the floor of my room, and she would be in there on the one computer in the house playing freecell until 3:30am, getting weirder and weirder on Ambien. About the time she'd start hallucinating, she'd leave and go to bed.

@CavemanJesus4Life 6 жыл бұрын

I saw the movie Identity, and the reveal of the killer at the end, I stood up and said "I KNEW IT!!!" Scared everyone in the theater. My Proudest moment.

@lucyhellbroke 4 жыл бұрын

Oh my God, I love that twist at the end of that movie. As I remember, I saw it in theaters, and I also predicted the twist at the end well in advance, as well, haha. :-) And hardly anybody remembers that movie. It's honestly one of my favorite movies and guilty pleasures. I find the plot as well as the way that they executed it very intriguing.

@jackxiao9702 3 жыл бұрын

I thought it was a good movie

@thelegendfamily4836 12 жыл бұрын

The absoluted greatest would be if you could arrange a screening of "Jerry Maguire" in the health club that's now where the Galaxy 6 used to be located and then scream that line at the screen at that exact moment in the film. ;-D

@Mkultradeth 12 жыл бұрын

Ambien addiction sucks! I was pretty strung out on it for quite awhile. This did make me laugh though.

@TurnerClassicNinja 12 жыл бұрын

Those are ambien dreams, huh? Dude, I get those every fucking day. Whilst unmedicated.

@dirbrody 8 жыл бұрын

The vivid dreams is so true!

@The.Golden.Door. 5 жыл бұрын

Lolve this dude!! One of my favorite comedians.

@evanparsons123 4 жыл бұрын

i like that movie. we do live in a cynical world but the grass is always teaching people to fish so they can become better people on Christmas

@Scavenger82 7 жыл бұрын

sleep meds are the best to stay awake on. tried it once, felt like I was stoned

@Jaysus777Live 12 жыл бұрын

Check his book out, too good.

@lucyhellbroke 4 жыл бұрын

Should have plugged or mentioned the book title. I didn't even know he had a book until I stumbled across your comment.

@Loveinthemist11 5 жыл бұрын

Spot on with the Ambien bit

@09smitel 12 жыл бұрын

I have never seen Jerry Maguire but, if I ever do, I will make it my mission to yell out "FUCK YOU!!!" when this part of the movie happens.

@pretorious700 12 жыл бұрын

Patton's brother rules.

@SpellboundWolf 11 жыл бұрын

I love this guy!

@alysshart7522 2 жыл бұрын

I have something in common with the brother in this sketch, because I hated the whole experience of Jerry Maguire and wanted to scream obscenities at the screen, too.

@will.a.benjamin 5 ай бұрын

I despise it too and have never felt so connected to a standup joke before lol

@hobbicles28 5 жыл бұрын

The issue is not about Ambien dreams. Rather the issue is about Ambien "dream" sex. However to get the best part, to reach the summit, which means the pinnacle of Ambien the "dream" sex part. Both partners must take Ambien together and at relatively the same time. Otherwise it's simply extremely weird because the amnesia part of it is wasted. Lol

@CJusticeHappen21 6 жыл бұрын

Great ad for Ambien

@mikehunt8924 8 жыл бұрын

I love ambien!!!!!!!!!!

@MushiePuppet17 11 жыл бұрын

2:47 that part kills me every time

@Wessimus Жыл бұрын

If that Ambien dream bit isn't how he got the job for Sandman, it fucking should be.

@seafoamren 11 жыл бұрын

holy crap. gold.

@ohasia 11 жыл бұрын

Patton, Jim Gaffigan, Louis CK, Kathleen Madigan, Chris Rock, Ricky Gervais.... I wish they were my friends. I would just call them up, "Hey, what are you thinking about? That's so funny."

@favoritemustard3542 5 жыл бұрын

@kevin willems I Wish You Knew That I Gave Your Comment A 👎...

@user-si1do8zg9d 3 жыл бұрын

'where the glamour of hollywood gets peed on night' loved it

@BioYuGi 3 жыл бұрын

I know someone who took ambien and they woke up the next day to see a bucket of fried chicken on the table. Meaning they'd *driven* to a KFC in the middle of the night and come home, but had no memory of it, and they stopped taking it after that. Because they rightfully were worried about driving while not being lucid.

@MeganKoumori 6 жыл бұрын

I don't know what he's talking about. When I was on Ambien I'd just black out. Wake up the next morning like, "Huh? When did I even get into bed?"

@n00bJesus 12 жыл бұрын

Ohhh I didn't realize it referenced anything, I was just laughing REALLY hard at that part.

@eddieking2976 6 жыл бұрын

That reminds me, my garage needs a new coat of paint.

@gregjohnson7666 2 жыл бұрын

Patton Oswalt is top 3 favorite whit guys next to Bill Burr and Michael rapaport

@tuckerbowen4626 4 жыл бұрын

after "The Mummy", i really want to yell "fuck you" at Tom Cruise, too

@sniffableandirresistble Жыл бұрын

Dead Kings ❤

@stormtruppo 4 жыл бұрын

I don't even take sleep meds and sometimes my dreams end up that random. "Cue talking velociraptors trying to break into my house. But the phone rings and I'm getting ordered to come into work, trying to explain to my boss that it's dangerous for me to leave the house... but wait, it's the velociraptors on the phone, trying to trick me. And for some strange reason my ex is there the entire time wanting to have sex..."

@captscurlock 12 жыл бұрын

"We live in a cynical world 'Fuck you!' " ahahhhahahaahha

@dnice374 12 жыл бұрын

Your analysis is correct.

@jackrabbit5119 11 жыл бұрын

Yeah I think about that all the time. Like damn I wish i was friends with these awesome, funny, cool comedians. Wish i could just call up patton, invite him over and we just drink scotch and smoke weed. That's my dream

@tanyaltp 12 жыл бұрын

Oh my god, laughed until I couldn't breathe.

@phoogoo 3 жыл бұрын

I once took Ambien at a glamping trip (house in the woods on a 90 acre property). I woke up in my jeans and t-shirt in the hot tub with my mouth half submerged blowing bubbles. Never again.

@whitestripesftw 12 жыл бұрын

IM SEEING DEAD KINGS!

@randybeans1984 2 жыл бұрын

It's like I am legend but you can get a sandwich

@dotheevolution100 7 жыл бұрын

jerry maquir... OWW!

@lmpoar 5 жыл бұрын

6:26. ladies and gentlemen, Miss Scarlett Johannson.

@stefantomasi4036 4 жыл бұрын

Picasso1975 she looks like Uma Thurman as Mia Wallace

@customerjon 12 жыл бұрын

His brother is 100% correct.

@Jeffko78 12 жыл бұрын

Woooooooo partaaaaaaAAAAYYY!

@TooLateForIeago 2 жыл бұрын

omg. The imagery Oswalt uses at the end of the clip...

@MyDanny209 12 жыл бұрын

so damn true

@mikelebischak658 10 ай бұрын

This will never not be funny .

@jas1n 12 жыл бұрын

@formusicplaylist1 Ambien is cool, if you want to black out- without all of the drinking you would normally have to do.

@trishamae8303 9 жыл бұрын

I take ambien every night to go to sleep..It does make for interesting dreams, but even more interesting is that I don't remember the night before after taking ambien...But it's what works for me. :) LOL Thought this was hilarious by the way!

@elliothimshaw7079 2 жыл бұрын

That had me crying laughing

@MrBrooksGrant 12 жыл бұрын

That's how all my dreams are.

@fezzik7619 2 жыл бұрын

He’s dead on about Ambien. The problem is trying to wake up in the morning.

@byronp2311 5 жыл бұрын

Just this: Happy!

@lucyhellbroke 4 жыл бұрын

I could go into the pharmacology or the neurobiology of this, but all I can do is laugh... Yes. The crazy shit that happens in between taking the Ambien and finally falling asleep... it truly is something else. Xanax is very much the same way. I wake up the next morning after having taken Xanax or Ambien the night before, and feel like I'm a fucking CSI team or a goddamn detective trying to figure out exactly what the fuck I had gotten up to in the 30 minutes to an hour in between taking my meds and finally falling asleep the night before.

@carryeveryday910 7 жыл бұрын

I take Ambien but as intended for my Insomnia and he's kinda right you do feel really good when it starts to work but I think it's because it just naturally feels good to get sleepy?

@kevinw712 6 жыл бұрын

actually my thing is that it can DRAAAASTICALLY alter my personality, like Tyler Durden-levels lol... So I just need to be on the ball more about that once I take the dose, actually getting into bed as soon as possible, not sitting up remaining on the computer. Because boy oh boy did I have ZERO MEMORY when I very awkwardly found out about some sent emails or message board posts the night before :-/

@timewithoutconsequence4611 4 жыл бұрын

My mother uses ambien and goes crazy, usually takes her clothes off and goes outside.

@Csky1988 12 жыл бұрын

@TheRustyWeapon god when he said that whole last line i was laughing so hard i couldnt breath

@colsmith1 12 жыл бұрын

Oh my God! I'm seeing dead kings! I LAUGHED OUT LOUD! MY NEIGHBORS MUST OF HEARD ME!

@swingAE86 12 жыл бұрын

also both involved Matt Oswalt

@monkey-trial...6578 5 жыл бұрын

really? never met anyone who said that.. I used to take them when I felt over tire to get rid of that weird eye pressure feeling and it kept me awake but nicely relaxed and fearless.

@samjoejoesam 12 жыл бұрын

@zegler75 his latest one, "Finest Hour"

@MrSkynet 12 жыл бұрын

"FUCK YOU" LOL omg i just pissed myself laughing

@mattweitman1199 2 жыл бұрын

Jenny slate would crack the living shit out of herself if she watched this video

@emmaduncan2296 11 жыл бұрын

Now, just try and watch that movie, without thinking of Patton's brother...I didn't like Jerry Maguire either.

@acerpro101 3 жыл бұрын

God damn that movie sucked the only decent part may be cuba gooding jr but even then, “decent” may be a strong word

@LiberalSquared 2 жыл бұрын

Mirtazapine kinda feels like that, too.

@layna-heyhey 6 жыл бұрын

and I want to try Ambien

@ThomasinaJefferson-ke7xs 5 жыл бұрын

Just as long as Scarlet’s weird ass face ends FINALLY.....

@kyliepollert8341 4 жыл бұрын

"Jerry Maguire" is one of my favorite movies, but what Patton's brother said is hilarious; he must've really hated that lovey-dovey scene between Tom and Renee at the end!