Are you #actuallyautistic and do you have meltdowns? Let me know in the comments below what they're like.

I never understood my meltdowns until I realized I’m autistic. Uncontrollably sobbing, suicidal thoughts, and feeling half-marathon levels of exhaustion for a week and not feeling “normal” for 3 months is not just a simple “I didn’t want to go to work” (example of my last meltdown from November).

This is another puzzle piece falling into place for me. I have been told pretty often in my life that I have "anger issues." And I've internalized that a lot and I think it made me hate myself, so my responses became much more about crying than screaming, so then I was a "drama queen." You really can't win when you have strong responses to stress, no matter what.

My wife is on the spectrum as well, and in past we had a few situations like that as well. She always needs a lot of time to recover from meltdowns, and luckily it happens very rarely now. For me as a husband it took quite some time to really understand what's going on and to react in a way that she was able to cool down again, or to notice signs of pressure building up (which took a lot of time and conscious effort to see and interpret the signs), and in the end not add to it by, well, "normal" social interaction for example. "Normal" for me can be an exhausting, stressful process for her, and to know what is what took me a lot of time, and only works really well when I am aware and not emotional myself. When there's a meltdown, no amount of talking will make it better, quite the contrary, so that's my advice for people with autistic people close to them who are having a meltdown: Even if there is reason and the strong desire to talk things over, don't. >Just shut up < Maybe write it all up. Later look at what you wrote, condense it to a short list containing facts and no emotional entanglements, and also no repetitions. After a week, if it's still important to you, bring it up, present the facts. That at least is my experience with it. Hope it helps someone.

I have ASD and my meltdowns frighten me. I’ve punched myself, slapped myself, hit myself against walls and floors. It’s horrible and makes me feel terrible and ashamed and really embarrassed. It’s always a combo of emotional and sensory overwhelm that triggers it. I’ve had some success taking myself to a mirror and telling myself to keep myself safe and focusing on my breathing and feeling the adrenaline run through me. When other people are around I just go hide. I have a lot of shame to work through around meltdowns, being 40 and still having them feels horrible.

I have recently self identified as autistic, and Samdy Sam has been instrumental in helping me recognise many of these expressions in myself. This meltdown video, as difficult as it must have been to experience, and then share - it redefines so much of what I have experienced that I am so very, very grateful for this. I had thought myself as being an angry person, full of pent up rage. This evolved into empty and seemingly emotionless, with episodes of freezing and blanking. To see this as an autistic expression gives me so much relief and opportunity for self care and acceptance. Honestly, Samdy Sam, I love love LOVE your channel! Thankyou for being you!

The birds yakking and background people talk is enough to make me want to run away.... Anyway, the most depressing time of my life was when I was caring for a baby. Some people are just not cut out for that, and I'm one of those people

I usually am very calm and logical ...and not easily moved to a meltdown but.....then enough is enough. A meltdown usually involves an injustice of some sort. I am a very black and white thinker....something is either right or wrong. If I am used or abused eventually I will draw the line ....! If I see someone else used or abused....! Meltdown !

My daughter is 45. In childhood she had "tantrums"...which I now know as meltdowns...until the age of 12. As an Aspie woman in adulthood she curses frequently. I was not educated about the autism spectrum when she was a child...I wish that I knew then what I know now.

I don't know how to avoid a meltdown. And I'm not sure how to recover either. In that I really want to be "normal," and be able to function. I hate myself for needing so much alone time or down time, etc. I want to be able to go out with my husband and children, without being socially hungover for days on end afterwards, plus you know I have to care for my kids afterwards. I totally feel you. Balancing motherhood whilst dealing with meltdowns and other autistic traits...it's hard.

I wish I had a diagnosis. My life would make sense.

One of my worst meltdowns was when I just got married. I broke a plate on the floor, I screamed at the top of my lungs, grabbed a broken piece of the plate and just jabbed it into my leg and dragged it across. I now have a 30cm long scar staring at me everyday, reminding me of how bad things sometimes get.

After watching a lot of videos from you and some other women diagnosed with autism as adults, I am convinced I am autistic, and this video describes exactly the "nervous breakdowns" I have had throughout my life, but never more frequently than since my son was born 18 months ago. I am 33 years old, diagnosed with anxiety and depression, and I've always been a little bit "weird," but now I am determined to get an autism diagnosis, because watching your video tonight just hit me hard. I have experienced almost exactly what you just described. The destructive rage, the sobbing and shame afterward...and watching your other videos I recognize signs of autism throughout my life: obsessions, periods of selective mutism (where I thought I was just "shy"), moments where I ended up offending people because I failed to pick up on social cues, etc, etc. I'm sorry this is a rambling comment. It's 5:30 in the morning (my toddler wakes up early), I had a meltdown just last night, and I'm just so happy to start putting the pieces together of why I've felt so different my whole life. Thank you for sharing your experiences. They have helped me to make sense of things. Now if only I could get an official diagnosis. I hear it is difficult.

That bird is soooooo loud😳😩

I wish more people understood how incredibly draining being a parent is when you don't get a break and the child won't sleep. I have had meltdowns like that. I've had to leave my house for fear I would harm the child. (He's totally fine and never been harmed btw). But the rage and frustration from not having a break and not getting sleep was powerful and frightening.

I’m #actuallyautistc and have had many meltdowns. I have about one or two per year, always triggered by a disappointment or perceived injustice. The rage builds within seconds and lasts for hours. Unfortunately my go to is alcohol, distance and very loud music. I know the dangers but it’s just my reality right now. Recovery takes a day or two. In 55 yo. I accept that future meltdowns will happen. My family is supportive, thankfully. I’ve enjoyed your videos. Thanks for this channel.

I've had meltdowns like this and always just thought it was because I had an anger problem. This is such a relief.

Wow, this was super relieving to watch! I got diagnosed last year (I'm 18 now), and I've been having melt downs like these my whole life (mostly as a child, and occasionally as a teen). I've always felt so, so incredibly guilty for getting this angry, I've felt like I'm secretly a really terrible, angry and mean person and I'm just lying to everyone that I'm not (imposter syndrome basically), I literally had NO idea that was connected to autism. It almost never happens anymore, but it is SO nice to hear that it's normal!! It makes me feel so much better about myself and who I am!

I've had several private, overwhelming moments of smash things against the wall rage that were completely out of character and puzzling to myself at the time. I knew that I was overwhelmed at the time but the rage that was like a wave in how quickly it came and went was very disorienting and I felt ashamed of my loss of control. Recently self diagnosed I am now looking at these times in a different light. Thanks for sharing when you were struggling yourself. I really appreciate it 💜

Love hearing the blackbird in the background, there are so few left after the usutu-virus struck. It reminded me- even after your meltdown (or anyone elses)- life goes on.

I know I'm 2 years late, but I'm binging some of your videos as I await my diagnosis, and I really feel for you. I have had many meltdowns throughout my life, but mostly managed to hide them. The last few years in particular have been extra difficult, and I've punched pillows, screamed and yelled, smacked/punched walls, and literally screamed into a pillow so hard I had a coughing fit until I cried. Fun stuff... Embarrassingly enough, I've hit myself during those times too, because I felt like if I did that it would make me stop for some reason. I can't imagine caring for a child while dealing with these intense emotions, and I have so much respect for you - you're like Superwoman and I know that's cliche, but I'm not even joking. Anyway, your videos give me hope, and remind me that I'm not alone and I can't thank you enough

I thought this was just a standard feeling for being a mom? I was told by a family member a few years ago they thought I might have asperger's, at first I scoffed, but I'm now looking to find a doctor that could give me more insight. After watching your videos and seeing the struggles you deal with, I feel shocked to know that there are other women in the world that have the same feelings and issues that I have experienced my whole life. Its really bizarre to not feel so "other". Thank you for sharing your story.

I’m #actuallyautistic and I rarely have bad meltdowns. I was diagnosed at the age of two. I’ve learned different coping mechanisms and different things by trial and error so many people don’t even know I’m having them. I just had a really bad meltdown on Sunday during the evening and it was one of the worst ones I’ve had in a long time. I sat on the floor and I could barely move or talk. I was lucky enough to have my friend in her car and I was able to barely send her a text message to tell her I’m having a meltdown. She came inside the apartment and I told her to wake up my then roommate since he’s seen me have a meltdown before. I would say this one lasted about 20-30 minutes and it was just so awful. I knew my then roommate was sitting beside me but all I could see was his big nose ( we all had a small chuckle at that one 😂) What seemed to help me the most was having them just sit there next to me and have conversations with me (even though I wouldn’t respond at times or had delayed responses.) After it was over my then roommate got me a small glass of water and I walked around the room a little bit to recover from the meltdown and I felt so exhausted afterwards. I hope I never have a bad one like that again. This meltdown was mainly caused by sensory overload and I think it was building up for a little while. I also had one a few days prior but it was a much smaller one. On days like those it makes me wish that I wasn’t on the spectrum and that I could be “normal” like everyone else. Some things I have started doing recently I have found helpful is journaling. I know it sounds silly but I’ve found it quite helpful. I mainly use it to write down what has happened in the day and how I’m feeling so I don’t dwell on it for the entire day. Almost cathartic in a way. Listening to music and taking some deep breaths help as well. I also have a ball bearing that I use to stim with (also my hands when I don’t have my ball bearing.) I hope you have found those things helpful and I promise that things will get better. Everyone on the spectrum is different and you have to learn to love and accept yourself for who you are. Autism is a messy, complicated, confusing, and oftentimes stressful disorder to live. Just know that you don’t have to do it alone! Reach out to people who are on the spectrum! We all know what you’re going through in one capacity or another. Shoot me a message if you want too! I hope this advice helps and I thank you for making this video. I understand how hard this was/is to be vulnerable on this subject. I hope you have a great day and will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers! 😊

Thank you so much 😭 No freaking other autistic woman youtuber has explained what a freaking meltdown IS! I have been having those as you described, my entire Life 😭 Now I know what actually is! Thank you for not talking around your subjects and never getting to describing what they actually are. I was also recently diagnosed with autism level 1 by a psychologist. The tests she gave me were for the stereotypical autistic male, which I failed, but she still diagnosed me and said she didn't know what else to diagnose me with other than that, and my previous Attention Deficit Disorder diagnosis. I definitely do have SPD, but mine is more in regards to taste, texture, and certain sounds. I grew up in a large NOISY family, and was spanked almost daily for not being able to tolerate said noisy, obnoxious siblings. I don't know if i was desensitized to that type of noise because it doesn't bother me. What does cause meltdowns are dogs barking in my neighborhood and neighbor noise (loud music) I can't escape when i am in my home. I seriously will call the police at 1 am if I hear that bs.

Thank you for this. Yes, I have meltdowns! My most recent was when my very sweet cousin thoughtfully dropped by to see me and bring me sweet tea from McDonald's. He doesn't understand how badly interruptions can derail me. I went to the door, slightly irritated, but thinking, he won't be here long, Deb, and you actually are happy to see him, extra so with that sweet tea. So as I was adjusting my attitude, I accidentally and clumsily locked my front door behind me, thereby locking myself out of the house. I've just moved, and the spares keys I'd so carefully had cut were in the house in my purse, because I'd neglected to give him one yet. And it was raining. And I was in my socks. I had one chance for salvation: Walk around the house and try the backdoor. Surely my OCD self just might have failed in locking the backdoor, although my instinct told me what I was about to discover, wet socks and all. The backdoor was locked too. It was almost 5:00, and my landlord's phone number was on my phone ... locked in the house. I was going to have to break a window to get in. ARGH! So I hollered standing on my back porch and slid down the wall, and simply sat myself down, before I could muck up anything else. Luckily my cousin is brilliant. He found an open window. But he'd heard my howl of despair and frustration. And he took it to heart. Ouch.

The only people that have witnessed my meltdowns properly are my wife and girls. In a flash, a random inanimate object invariably ends up being damaged, followed by hours of self analysis, regret and a quick browse online for a price to repair the object which felt the force of my self frustration. It’s such a mammoth struggle to make my internal wheel spin positively but it feels like it only needs a tiny flick to make it spin negatively and then it’s a mammoth struggle to stop it.

Watching this while recovering from a meltdown myself. It's nice to not feel so alone, plus I enjoyed listening to the birds in the background. I'm feeling shame, embarrassment, plus pain in my head and throat from crying and screaming into a cushion (that last part did help though). Thanks for sharing, it's making me hate myself less today x

Hello Sam I recently found your channel and have greatly enjoyed your sharing. I'm 48, and stumbled on information regarding the female presentation of Asperger's a few months ago, and it was a Eureka moment for me. I have since spent most of my time researching the subject and watching Asperger women KZfaqrs, and sharing all of this with my husband. I am looking into going for an assessment, but I live in France (I'm actually British) and the awareness of the specifics of autism in women is far behind that in the Anglosphere, so many women in France are still being misdiagnosed. I'm therefore considering going back to the UK for a private assessment. Sorry for all the background info 😉. I can really relate to what you're saying about meltdowns : I had similar (yet different, of course 😋) situations whilst my kids ( now aged 23, 21 and 19) were growing up, and I can remember the shame and incomprehension I felt after they happened. I just wanted to thank you for your honesty and for sharing your experience with others, and to say that you are not alone. I feel it's important for Asperger women to support each other because so often we've been rejected by society, and that has often had terrible effects on our self-esteem, so I hope you won't mind if I say Go Sister!!! 😊 Keep up the good work 🙂

When I was young I used to slam doors a lot and throw everything at the wall when in a rage

My mother would scream, hurl abuse and sometimes physically attack me if I dared to either keep her awake or wake her up when she had to be up for work the next day. She wasn’t autistic and hadn’t been diagnosed with anything but that kind of behaviour on the part of parents was normal back then. I think your son is very lucky to have such a gentle, kind parent. (My mother did become really gentle and kind later on, by the way).

You have no idea how helpful this and all of your videos have been for me. I am a mom of a now twenty year old daughter who diagnosed herself at age 13 while watching a television series. Then received a medical diagnosis. I have had a difficult time parenting her her whole life. Things got a bit easier after I understood why she was doing the things that she was. Now at 20 she is really struggling to "adult". She has what I thought bouts of depression but now realize that they are recovery from meltdowns- GAME CHANGER! I feel as though I am getting a peak into her head and heart while I am listening to you. Your honesty and clarification is so appreciated. You mentioned something at 8:54 about food being your trigger in the past, what did you mean by that? My daughter had horrible food issues, won't eat certain foods unless they are made a very specific way, same brand of ingredients, etc. Can you explain a little more about triggers and maybe what we can do to help her with them?

That whole thing where you just reach the end of your rope and are washed away on a wave of rage...you have no control over it because you’ve been in control for too long and the floodgates opened...you need to get that wave of rage out of you because when it winds down it will be a relief...needing to scream, slam things (doors!!), hit something as hard as you can with a pillow because you want to DESTROY SOMETHING but you know you can’t...very familiar. Sometimes I wish I owned a sledgehammer and a rock quarry and could just go BREAK STUFF with no consequences. The thing I used to do a lot but don’t so much anymore was bite myself. Especially when I was still living with my parents, because I “had a temper problem” and any inkling that it was happening would get me in trouble, including the sound of me beating my bed with a pillow. So I just had to turn everything inward and that was the thing I landed on that got it out but didn’t leave a permanent mark. I’ve done that a couple times in the last year or so though after probably more than a decade - and apparently my 3-year-old niece has done it a few times too and it just breaks my heart.

This reminds me so much of the time I was trying to fill out some paperwork for the dr's office online & it just wasn't working out so I threw my laptop across the room. The rage you described sounds like what I felt then. When I told my mom about this, she didn't understand so I might share this video with her. It seems like stress & lack of sleep trigger meltdowns in so many of us who are on the spectrum.

Though I am absolutely sensitive to sounds (even sounds that nobody else can hear sometimes) because they distract and startle me all the time i really love the sound of the beautifully singing bird in the background. Birds singing in an green environment is actually one of the few sounds I really enjoy. It’s soft, its joyful, its calming in a way because it connects the body with the core of nature. Of course I noticed it right away and it was also unpleasant first to a certain degree but then I enjoyed it.

I'm the process of trying to get a diagnosis, and this video showed up on my home page today....the day I had my first public meltdown and had to leave work early in tears. It was really embarrassing for me to have to tell my lead that I couldn't finish my shift with no reason that I could explain. But I had felt this coming and today was just that day. Thank for this video, as it makes me feel seen.

it sucks having meltdowns at work, tears happen, it drains all your energy and your tired all day. I really feel this

This takes me back to when my daughter was about 6 months old. I was exhausted and she had constipation. And was crying a lot because she was in such pain. I was at my parent's house at the time. And my dad was home. And I completely lost it. And started screaming and shouting at her. I felt so bad after it. Like a complete monster. My dad didn't help as he sat there quietly judging me. So I shouted at him too. Then had to go up to bed and slept for a few hours because it took so much out of me.

I've struggled with this since I was a child. I've always felt embarrassed about it and never talked to anyone about it. I feel like once that switch happens I'm almost trapped inside of myself watching an immature stranger take control. Do you have any tips or techniques that you use to try and level yourself again? Sometimes it takes hours for me to feel like myself again then like you were describing the exhaustion and guilt :(

Thank you. Recovering from one right now and it devastates me every time- I feel so broken and embarrassed and hopeless when it happens. It helps so much to know others are struggling with this. Thank you

Thank you so much for sharing this so raw and unfiltered 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻 It takes an extraordinary amount of courage to share something that is as deeply vulnerable as this experience.. Meltdowns are a serious problem for people on various dimensions of the Human Spectrum -- esp. ASD and ADHD -- and once you have kids it becomes extraordinarily complicated, not least because of the shame that can come from making these kinds of normal human mistakes -- that are exacerbated by Neurodivergence -- at the impact it has on the little person in your life who is most important to you in the entire world.. For anyone who identifies with this kind of experience, if you self identify as Neurodiverse, whether diagnosed or not, please: (1) try to forgive yourself for your mistakes (2) take the time to understand what your triggers are and how to manage them (3) make sure you eat, drink water, practice sleep hygiene, and perhaps most importantly, (4) take way more short pit stops than anyone would think is "normal" -- this could be as simple as stopping for 15 mins any time you sense stress build-up and going to a quiet, calm, dark place away from stress inputs to take some time to just rest (or practice some mindfulness exercises eg with a free app like Smiling Mind).. If you need to do this every hour, then do it every hour..

Hugo here, aged 34 - I've not had an official diagnosis (still debating that one) although I have known with great certainty for a few years now that I'm on the Autism Spectrum. I live in the states, in the south where understanding of autism spectrum is very lacking, especially from medical professionals. I'm high functioning, an' as you might guess, most people give me the whole "oh, well, you look normal to me", which of course is besides the point. I have a wider range of hearing an' I'm also generally hypersensitive to light an' sound - meltdowns happen with me... more often than I'd like; it's usually at minimum two meltdowns per month, though not always terrible, but they happen; I experience sensory overload on a daily basis; I also deal with having c-PTSD, an' in that regard, it makes the likelihood of a meltdown that much greater. Every day when I come home from work, or sometimes just runnin' an errand, I have this almost an' sometimes just flat out desperate need to scream into a pillow, smash my fists against the walls or even my own head, which I have done. It takes me about a week to recover; it's exhausting, an' even depressing, which doesn't help. I do take a herbal remedy to aid the recovery, but the most potent and effective ingredient is Silence, sleep; lots of quiet; hugs help, too.

I may be in the minority, but the bird actually provides a grounding sound. I’m very sensitive to audio input, but music I like and nature sounds are grounding to me. I used to have very bad meltdowns. I’d howl like a wolf in the middle of the night, preventing the family from sleeping, I’d slam cupboards, stomp my feet, rock my head against the couch, and at one point ended up stabbing our ugly green couch (lowkey don’t regret that cuz we got rid of it after that). But yeah, I ended up traumatizing my younger siblings. I’ve gotten a lot better at controlling myself, but there are still times when I explode. It’s a short explosion though. Literally the smallest thing can trigger it when I’m ready to explode, and yeah I yell, curse, and my family doesn’t help. My grandfather is bipolar and is going senile. He’s very confrontational, and his aggression often triggers me, so I’ll end up literally face to face with him challenging him to hit me :/ Luckily he hasn’t done that... yet. But yeah my meltdowns are generally more vocal and body language based. After my initial explosion, I’ll maybe cry for a bit, but then I just close myself off again and things go back to normal. I try to talk to my twitter moots often to vent what I can, but yeah :/ my family has so many issues of their own that this environment is just so toxic.

About 2 years ago, I was diagnosed with Aspergers syndrome. I was 39 back then. And it was such a relief to actually know. It has explained my entire life - all the struggles, all of my behaviour, all of my special interests, as well as my meltdowns. My meltdowns are usually crying meltdowns. They usually happen when I am really exhausted. It is usually either physical exhaustion or mental exhaustion. Mostly both at the same time. It can be after the general cleaning of our house, after working hard for several hours. And then either my husband or my children come and want me to do something more. Or it can be the kids arguing and shouting - the noise after physical exhaustion can trigger a meltdown too. And it is almost always at the point when I am really tired. It is interesting to know. Before I had kids, I never experienced it. Never. I grew up as an only child, so we had a quiet house. And later in my life when I was still single, it didn't happen either. It started only after my children (now aged 7 and 9) were born. Sometimes it is just too much. They are a girl and a boy, and they are constantly fighting over something. And the noise is just something I can't bear for too long. But that's life. We have to be positive.

I needed to hear this today. I caregiver for both parents in separate households. I went undiagnosed for most of my life. I've recently divorced and ever so far away from my dreams without a partner or solid support system. It's not your fault. You don't look at the 95% if the time you have all the build up for a meltdown and don't. That is how much of a threshold you have. That alone is EXHAUSTING. Thank you for sharing your truth. 💜

OMG, I relate to this so much. I used to meltdown a lot when I was younger but I got into yoga and it helped me mellow out a lot and be able to focus. So I got to the point where I was studying biology in college and getting As and Bs. I had a motorcycle because it was a lot cheaper on gas. I was about three days from one of my final terms for my degree and I had begged all summer to get into human anatomy. Then, a drunk driver caused an accident and I went down. I was really lucky and I didn't hit my head and I did damage my spine. However, I ripped my right shoulder and blade completely off of their attachment to the rest of my skeleton. I used to do all kinds of stunts when I was a kid but I had never had anything that hadn't healed like that. I felt like a superhero at first because if I hadn't scrambled as I was sliding the way I did, I definitely would have been paralyzed or dead but I kept feeling the cells in my shoulder complaining because they weren't next to the cells they were supposed to be next to and there are proprioceptive cells in ligaments that were also torn so I couldn't tell where my arm was in space. Then I had all kinds of glass stuck in my body that they didn't bother to remove as soon as they found out that I didn't have any health insurance at the time (the US is barbaric when it comes to this and I love my country but this is honesty about how we let people suffer and/or die for lack of basic healthcare). I did the best I could but I was in a yoga class that had some music and some positions that triggered me really badly. I was just going to feel like shit and go home and then someone asked me if I was okay. Much to my chagrin, I absolutely had a meltdown to her. I didn't yell directly at her but I yelled about all the things that were just too much for me to handle and how I wanted to rip the arm off of the person who had driven drunk and caused me to rip my arm off basically. This person actually tried to get me kicked out of school right when I was doing so well and finishing my degree but a more experienced yoga teacher helped calm her down. That was the first time in a very long time and the most public time I had a meltdown. That yoga teacher even said to me that it was a meltdown but I hadn't been diagnosed so I was so worried that I was actually going crazy even though I was already in my early 30s. I did manage to graduate and then I was turned down to all the post-graduate schools I tried to go to despite my grades. They ask you about yourself in the secondary applications and I just don't know what to say at all. I had been gaining more and more weight but I thought it was just because I was eating more since I was hungry but I was still doing really hard yoga so I didn't get it since I had been pretty fat before starting yoga. Finally, I did get some health insurance and it was the same week that I got that when I felt that there was this huge mass growing in my abdomen. I had been fat before and this wasn't fat. I have a family history of reproductive cancer so I was afraid. Since I finally had insurance, I went to the hospital and found out that I had an ovarian cyst that was already the size of a grapefruit and would have to be removed surgically. I was scared because I had never had anything more than minor surgery to remove a suspicious mole or two. I actually didn't find out that it wasn't cancer until a week after my surgery when the pathology results came in. During that surgery that was only a month after they found the cyst, it had gotten so big and come under so much pressure that it exploded as soon as they tried to remove it. I was in the worst pain of my life after that and, despite having never taken opioids for anything (for my motorcycle accident, I took 800mg of ibuprofen and a muscle relaxant for pain), I actually had to go back to the hospital because the Norco they gave me didn't work at all. I ended up having to take oxycodone for the pain. I got physically addicted but I hated how it made me feel so I got over that addiction and actually have several of those pills left in a pill bottle somewhere. It took me several years to be in any shape to do regular things and, in that time, I lost my place by myself that was helping me cope with being autistic but I also got my diagnosis so things made more sense then. I moved back in with my mom but there is so much noise and so many people that it's hard. I do have noise-cancelling headphones and I don't know how I would survive without them. My family finally does understand how much I really do need quiet and time to myself, plus I'm up in the middle of the night a lot since everyone is asleep and it's quiet. Just the other day, I was riding my bike because I was having really bad insomnia so I thought that riding my bike would help. I had run out of my birth control pills that had stopped my period for years and so I forgot how those hormones make a person clumsy. I was going to jump up a curb on my bike, which I have almost always done successfully, but I did the physical steps in the wrong order and literally fell on my face. I broke my glasses and got several really nasty cuts and bruises. Some really nice person stopped and helped me, which doesn't always happen so it's important that we all help other people when we notice they need some help. Anyway, I looked up whether autistic symptoms are worse during one's period and it turns out that they are and, not only that, but PMS and PMDD (which is basically a more debilitating and severe version of PMS) are highly correlated with autism, as is polycystic ovary syndrome, which is what caused my cysts. There's also a correlation with other endocrine disorders (and I have several others, including gluten intolerance but I'll gladly give up gluten because I stop having problem with lactose intolerance after than and I love ice cream and cheese). It's also correlated with connective tissue disorders, particularly ones that cause loose ligaments and I have one of those too, although the rest of my family noticed it earlier since I have more genetically bulky muscles that pull the ligaments tighter than the rest of my family who have a relatively lean build. So don't feel bad because you had a meltdown. I don't see how any of us can avoid it entirely. You are stronger than me because, although I think children are interesting, I think I would die because of all the shrill sounds they make. If they make those sounds or a bad smell, I am lucky enough to be able to give them back to their parents. There is a lot of insight to be had when talking to children because they haven't been completely indoctrinated in social norms and, since those are things we struggle to understand as autistics, talking to children and asking them questions is pretty useful for finding out what sorts of things society tried to program into us as norms growing up and then those things can be questioned as to their value. Surprise, most of them are bullshit and, if we weren't so religious about them as a society, everyone's life would be better, more open, and less stressful.

Hey, I'm a 17yr old girl who is not #actuallyautistic. But I do think I might be, as do two psychologists I've seen (my current psych even refers to neurotypicals as though am I not a neurotypical, which is very confusing). I'm also really struggling with this constant conflict in my head over whether or not I am indeed autistic and I really relate with how you were saying you feel a bit like a fraud and like you're making things up. Anyway, I spend a lot of time researching and watching youtube videos about autism because I can relate to it and it makes me feel a lot less alone. Your experience that you were describing really resonates with me and I know myself that I have had many meltdowns similar to yours. Unfortunately I have often ended up punching holes in our walls and hurting myself. It is deeply embarrassing when I do have a meltdown in such a violent and destructive way. Obviously I don't do it on purpose and I am always quite shocked and angry at myself that I can become sooooooooooo incredibly angry/sad/scared/anxious (I'm not really sure even what it is that I'm feeling when it happens) within like 10 seconds. Luckily though I can usually run and lock myself in my wardrobe, turn the lights off, lay down, close my eyes, block my ears and cry. The recovery afterwards is just really exhausting and sorta heartbreaking. Like it hurts somewhere where I can't find and I don't know why it hurts.

Thanks for sharing this! I have been recently diagnosed at age 44. I have twin boys who are 8 with ASD and ADHD. I always thought I just had a bad temper and would lose my cool, until I realised that I was experiencing meltdowns. This was helpful!

You are so courageous to be talking about this on KZfaq. I have so much respect and admiration for you. I have meltdowns like this with my daughter when I am totally depleted and have nothing left to give, and they are exactly as you described. Total explosive rage, followed by grief, regret and exhaustion. I never connected it to autism, I just thought I had anger management issues. Thank you so much for being so open and vulnerable. You are amazing.

I found it really liberating, learning to SWEAR. My meltdown mask.

My rage is on a internal level, when my daughter was very young and a hand full i used to go to the balcony to cool of.. But it totaly drained me to the point of exhaustion. I've been a single mom for all her life, she is almost 27 now. It's been very difficult at times. She has aspergers as well. My mother too.. PS : before i had my daughter i've had several meltdowns, never with anyone present. Throwing stuff, usualy mugs/plates etc..

Well, I'm very grateful that you decided to make this video four years ago, because I just found it after a meltdown. I'm also an autistic adhd mom of young kids, although as yet undiagnosed (I have been dxed with Tourette syndrome), and your experience echoes my own sooooo closely. Every word resonated. Thank you so much for helping me feel not so alone in this. Mine are also very ragey, lots of screaming. I broke a toilet seat by slamming it tonight. I hate it. It feels like I'm being possessed by some demon or something, just a lack of control, and it's awful. Also, your calm, quiet voice helped me feel calm again, too.

God its such a relief to hear you talking about this. I have experienced meltdowns since I can remember. They seem to have got more and more intense and the shame and self hatred lingers for days. I got annoyed with someone driving too slowly today and momentarily tailgated her. Now I feel awful, full of anxiety that she could have dashcam and that i frightened her. It just comes from nowhere and like you say, its pure rage. O-100, i feel it coming and bang, lost all control. Its so good to hear I'm not the only person, thank you and thanks everyone for sharing your stories

I feel exactly the same despite my diagnosis that I’m just making it up - but I completely stopped being able to function - since my diagnosis I can at least take steps toward healing the depression aspect - because now I know why I’m having the issues I have. I completely understand the meltdown thing and taking a while to recover

Thank you for sharing this low key chatty video. It was really relaxing to watch and listen, and to be able to relate to how autism effects us as adults. I really appreciate your videos, thank you!

3 years after your videos are still helping me a lot. Thank you!

My most recent meltdown I started punching myself in the head and it scared me so much. I’m finally realising that this is autism and this is how it manifests in certain situations. I am so grateful to know this because now I can get help and not feel so ashamed.

The birds are to distracting for me in this video. Sorry can’t finish it

The birds singing hurt my ears so much and I'm not yet sure if I am on the spectrum or not

I'll share this with my mom - who doesn't know anything about autism - because I had a semi-similar meltdown experience three days ago, and you described yours so calmly and nicely, and I am too tired to explain to her what it is right now. : ) Thank you for sharing.

I've been diagnosed with celiac disease and autistic in the last year; the part about your celiac diagnosis caught my attention! I was watching this because I'm in the process right now of learning how to recognize my own meltdowns. I think I have them pretty regularly but it's taken me a little bit to understand that I think that's what's happening. I can feel an anxiety building for a while, a few days sometimes, until there's like a switch that flips. The trigger is usually my feelings getting hurt by someone or people asking too many questions. It's like a wave comes over me and fight-or-flight kicks in; the best place to be is at home, where I can flee to my room and crawl in bed, fume, sometimes cry, and then I usually feel calmer after about an hour. I feel a pain in my chest afterwards that often lasts a couple days.

I was found to have autism after late in life.This christmas with all the stress had a couple of meltdown's the way for me to deal with them is alone time.

Had many of these moments when I was with my ex husband, never understood what was happening, or why I wasn't able to deal with things 'rationally'. Still have them now with my current partner, but nothing compared to when I was with my ex. Only now I realise what was happening to me all throughout my life and why I've struggled! Waiting for my assessment for diagnosis, have my initial appointment on Friday 😳 thank you for your videos, they've really switched on many lights for me and helped me process it all a bit easier xx much love xx ps, love the Netherlands 🇳🇱

As a kid, it was me "being dramatic" when I would break down in heaving sobs and shut myself in my room (because being around the rest of the family while they acted like I was doing it on purpose made it worse). At around 26/27, I was diagnosed with anxiety and ADHD and thought they had been anxiety attacks. Now at 32, I have done tons of reading and reflection and am self-diagnosed autistic, and I can see now that these prolonged sobbing episodes that I have had my whole life are probably autistic meltdowns. Thank you, Sam. Your videos were the kick in the pants I needed to start the self-diagnostic process, and I am learning so much about my brain and my life and how to take care of myself because of that.

Thank you for making this. Nobody else describes meltdowns this descriptively helpful like you do.

I was recently diagnosed at 29 and it explains why I was misdiagnosed with BPD for years. Whenever I have "meltdowns" I get incredibly agitated and (self)destructive and it all ends with me winding down into a catatonic mute state that lasts for however long. I always felt that the BPD didn't really fit me and when I got my ASD it all clicked. Since getting my diagnosis of autism I feel more normal than ever 🤘😊🤘

So familiar. I had far far too many meltdowns like this raising my son's, and I am constantly apologizing for it now they are young adults, and I have a lot of holes in doors now, as two of my three boys have similar meltdowns, none of us are diagnosed, I have just started the process as I've not long been aware, I have many MH diagnoses, bipolar, anxiety, PTSD and I spent a year in therapy dealing with my OCD issues. I have a medical diagnosis of IBD and fibromyalgia, but my most debilitating issues are sensory. I have agoraphobia. This waiting for diagnosis is tortuous, because I'm on so much medication I feel is inappropriate for my needs, I'm getting quite frustrated. I just want answers. And the guilt of not being the type of mum I want to be is killing me.

This was the best heart to heart you have done. I appreciate you sharing your experience and making it a relatable account of what it's like to be you.

I've just cried through the last half of your video. I'm only just self diagnosing, and I know this experience. Thank you for your sharing so vunerably.

I'm not officially diagnosed but I struggle with meltdowns less so than I used to. But like even in my 30s taking care of my mom with my step dad until she died. I would have melt downs at the worst most stressful times not my proudest moments. When I was younger I would punch holes in the wall I haven't done that since my early 20s though. It exhausts me too I would cry and scream. I am very peaceful most of the time but when I have a melt down I just don't think and later regret it.

Hi Sam, I just got diagnosed 1dec this year at 51, I’m male. My childhood feels like I was masking and using female strategies. After a chronic out of depression in my twenties I had a slight change and gave up masking so heavily, tried to set my boundaries as CBT allowed. I have meltdowns I even have a reasonable understanding of most of the triggers. A lot of them center around me having to jump through everyone else’s hoops but when I ask for something eg please be mindful of how I like my stuff after the third time I start escalating especially when the person has been dismissive and invalidates my imminent need. Then they act all self righteous about my yelling etc. it’s painful and while I can calm down that time takes longer when it’s down by someone who I’ve asked the same thing of before numerous times. It feels like I’m invisible until I melt down , they feel superior because it’s not socially appropriate in today’s nasty civilisation were root cause isn’t investigated just the symptoms are to be gotten rid of because they feel uncomfortable now.

This video made me cry. I have meltdowns just like what you described. I feel SO horrible afterwards and completely drained. I just found your videos and I am grateful... I never thought about autism as a possible source of my difficulties, but I'm definitely looking into it now. I'm 38 now and have struggled with the things you talk about all my life. You are an angel for sharing your life to educate!! 💜

This is so SO relatable, I have had several VERY similar meltdowns. Especially when my kids were that age and not sleeping well. As an autistic person there is nothing worse than finally making it to nap time, and your kid wakes up as soon as you are sure their asleep. I literally am getting emotional just thinking about this. So hard. Thank you for sharing Sam!

SO hard to hear past the birds' songs. Love them, love to hear your voice, can't do both at once. Yeah..My audio processing sensitivity is sometimes crippling, and has at times caused me meltdowns.

I understand. I had a meltdown at a local cinema when I left a birthday cake with them while I went to the toilet and they couldn't find it. I wasn't sweaty, or verbally abusive, kept my voice even, but all the time, I was thinking of a thousand ways to physically hurt the person I was addressing at that moment. I kept insisting they look at the footage and see where the cake was located. Told them I would launch a formal complaint if it wasn't found by the end of the film. They found the cake eventually.

Thank you, I really mean it thank you. I’m recovering from one myself and your video made me feel like I’m not alone, I hope you feel better soon brave lady

thank you for this video - it's made me realise that i've probably had plenty of autistic meltdowns in my life. funnily enough, i can't recall them for more than a few seconds before i dissociate/forget because (i believe) my brain processes them as quite traumatic events. meltdowns are very real and very unpleasant experiences.

Hi Sam, I hope you've been doing well since this video. Just a thought - did you notice the insanely loud bird singing in the background?!?

I am sooooo patient with kids, babys, and animals, mostly dogs. No matter how noisy they they get, they make me feel better. My son is 6, and i can´t get enough of playing with him...my meltdowns usually are at work, when things don´t go as a wish, so i often brake something, and then i cool down. I´m having a hard time finding my Mrs Right one...is that a pattern in autistic peple? Can you make a video about that? Best regards

Thank you so much for this honesty. I have a lot of guilt about meltdowns I had associated with my kids when they were young. Extreme love versus extreme overload, it pulls you apart.

Found this really helpful as went through major meltdown with my 9 year old tonight it was hard seeing her like this not knowing how to help her , and it helps to understand what she's going through .I didn't realise how much it drains you emotionally and physically. So sorry you had to go through it with not much support, I think you are a very strong person and I admire your very honest and raw account .thank you for sharing 💞💞💞

My mum once called the police to my house as she thought I was gonna hurt someone. I’m 13.

I’ve had "rage attacks" and "crying fits" both as a kid, teenager and adult, which is a secret shame. As a kid and teenager I would slam doors or bite myself. Now I usually scream into pillows or hurl my cellphone or other things in the wall or floor (not great). It wasn’t until this week I read about autism in girls/women that I thought I might be on the autism spectrum and these attacks were meltdowns.. I always just thought I had clinical depression and rage issues. Guess I need to see someone about autism.

I am learning so much from your videos, but i especially appreciate this real and raw one. Thank you

Thank you for sharing. These scare me when they happen and it feels less scary hearing that I'm not the only one with meltdowns like this.

the more videos of yours i watch, the more i'm doubting that i'm just a terrible person with a messed up brain and that there may be a name and a pattern to my shortcomings.

Love the birds in background

I´ve been learning about autism about a month and most of you talk in your videos resonate with me. But meltdowns are a revelation, I´ve had them always but just assume it was an "angry attack", not quite sure why that name but it´s exactly how you describe it. Shouting, hitting things and throwing away everything on hand, to later feel guilty and shaking all over. I didn´t though it was something that other people had to live with too, I´m sure it was hard for you to share this moment but I´m ever so grateful that you did, so I get to know me and also be more gentle with myself.

This has helped me so much. I'm 33 now, diagnosed with aspergers at 14, but because little was known about aspergers in girls back then, it's only been in the last few years watching videos like yours that I've finally started having a better understanding of myself and what I'm experiencing. When I have a meltdown, I self harm, usually biting or scratching my arms, and then of course there's a lot of guilt that comes from that. But I never knew that it was because I was having a meltdown. Now things are making sense.

I'm sorry you're still finding it so hard. Gentle non-touchy *hugs*. You're not a failure for melting down, and you're not making a fuss over nothing. The fact that you controlled the worst of your meltdown to just a minute or two and had the presence of mind to not punch the walls but instead use the flat of your hands impresses me... but I don't in any way feel that makes your experiences less "real" or "severe". Spectrum doesn't mean that there's a "mild" end and a "severe" end - more like it's a colour wheel (or like that emotion wheel you showed on your Alexithymia video). Your autism might be medium saturation light blue-green, while mine might be low-saturation purple-violet, and someone else's might be high saturation yellowy-grey. We all have different challenges. Some of us have spent 20, 30, 40 years masking our difficulties, and others were diagnosed early and got support. I, too, had no real support in terms of other autistics or therapy etc to help me come to terms with everything - and I was incredibly depressed for a long time afterwards. Yes, I meltdown. I try to avoid it - I suffer with POTS and that already exhausts me beyond belief, so a meltdown is just insanely tiring. But sometimes it can't be avoided. It might be having to do a new PIP medical assessment, or struggling to deal with my phiysical limitations yet again, or just... sometimes just all the little things and its something relatively inconsequential and "stupid" that tips me over... and I hate the person I become. I'm lucky that my friend, who I live with, is very understanding of my meltdowns and knows to just let me be until I've worked through it... I'm more about throwing things but I have been known to pull my own hair in frustration. It's hard because I'm a grown woman -and its very hard to let go of the idea that I shouldn't be having "temper tantrums" like a toddler, even though I know that's not what I'm doing. I hope you managed to get through this patch, as I see this was a few weeks ago now, and you're feeling a little better. (Edit for typos)

Sweetie you are the mom of a toddler ! Give yourself some love and move on. Being a mom is hard.....very very hard. I stick to a gluten and dairy free diet ....thank God for Coconut Bliss frozen dessert ...non dairy. Sometimes I just need a pint!!!!

So many times yes. Deep depravation and the constant in and not being able to be in control of your need for self care. Then the shame and guilt and worry about the effects on the child and your relationship with anyone who was a witness to the meltdown. Then trying to micro manage all things so it won’t happen again. Going from relatively flexible to rigid to prevent a meltdown from happening. So exhausting. It would be helpful to have a partner or family with understanding of what is happening. Thank you for making this ❤️

Thank you for your bravery and strength in making this video and the others. You have really helped me find some clarity.

The birds omg

There was an occasion where my flight was delayed last year and I was so upset about it. It took me by surprise as it was the weekend before Christmas and I was heading home. However, I ended up sat in the toilet crying on the phone to my wife. I was unconsolable. I always thought, that wasn't normal behaviour! When I've tried to explain this to anyone, they've said, we'll that would annoy anyone. Yes, but would you be distraught about it!? Would you consider something like this a meltdown?

I have listened to several of your autism videos. Every one of them is so me. I am a 74yo female, diagnosed at age 50 withADHD. But now i have self-dianosed as autistic. It shocked me, and I am not sure yet how I feel about it. Thank you so much for your videos. I will keep watching.

I just had a meltdown yesterday that lasted for hours. Watching this video almost makes me cry because it feels so validating to have someone describe what it's like. I don't think people understand how terrifying it is. It looks like you are just throwing a tantrum, but it feels more like something that is happening to you rather than something you are doing. When it's over, you feel like you just survived something awful like a car crash. I go through periods with no meltdown and go through times when I have them several times a week. It's debilitating and can make it impossible to function at times.

When I meltdown or become violent with bullies etc, I usually cry a lot afterwards due to my pacifist nature ❤. Stay strong, we're all in this together! Maybe awareness should be raised for support requirements for autistic parents. Everyone talks about support for parents with autistic children but what about parents with autism themselves?

I wanted to hear what you had to say, I stuck for a minute or so before becoming angry at that screeching bird. I like birds, but its screeching call, louder than your voice, and at such a pitch was heading me towards an anger meltdown, and I am not autistic. Please, if you do this again, pay attention to the sound to ensure that we can concentrate on what you are saying.

Your honesty and transparency are heroic and so very helpful to me. I completely relate. And thank you for helping me/others to come to terms with and understand the autistic condition. Amazing and real

I never really had meltdowns until my daughter was born. She is 4 and was actually diagnosed before I was, so the added stress of trying to cope with her challenges on top of the regular difficulties of parenting took a huge toll on me. Between working full time, coordinating all her different therapies, and trying to find a shred of time for myself and my marriage, I was under huge amounts of stress. I would often have my own meltdowns right along with her and would sometimes scream and say horrible things that I didn’t mean, and I would always feel like complete shit afterwards, both physically and emotionally. Things have gotten slightly easier now that she’s in preschool and she’s more verbal, but I know we will both still have our own challenges going forward. At least we’re in it together ❤️