Repairing a Broken Relationship: It’s Not Too Late

Repairing a Broken Relationship: It’s Not Too Late | The Mel Robbins Podcast

Рет қаралды 42,396

Күн бұрын

Ready to unlock your potential? 🚀 bit.ly/2024makeithappen 👈 Sign up for my FREE 2-part training, Make It Happen with Mel Robbins. It’s designed to show you exactly HOW you can go from dreaming to doing!
-
In this episode, you are going to learn that it is never too late to try to repair a broken or difficult #relationship.
The research shows that #estrangement is not only on the rise but that the majority of us have at least one extended family member or friend who is estranged.
I know this is true in my extended family, and I also have friends who are estranged from their parents.
Whether you’re the person who has cut off contact or if you're the one sitting there wondering why someone you love did, our episode today will give you the language, tools, and context to start moving towards understanding and #healing.
Dr. Joshua Coleman (@dr.joshuacoleman4216) is a #psychologist and best-selling author who works with families to repair broken bonds and help them reconcile and improve difficult or estranged relationships.
In fact, according to Dr. Coleman, the strategies he is sharing with you work, and the statistics are in your favor.
I hope you share this with anyone you know who is dealing with a difficult relationship. It is very common, especially after a divorce and even when someone has a new spouse or significant other.
When someone you love suddenly pulls away or cuts you out of their life, you need tools and a playbook for how to reach out, exactly what to say (and not to say), and when you need to stop reaching out.
Today you’ll learn:
- Why estrangement is on the rise
- How some therapists are encouraging estrangement
- What to do if you’re the sibling
- The role that mental illness, addiction, divorce, and new spouses play
- The #1 reason Dr. Coleman sees adult children as estranged parents is due to divorce between parents.
Xo, Mel
In this episode:
00:00 Intro
01:42 The silent epidemic that’s happening right now is estrangement.
03:13 What is estrangement?
10:22 The horrible advice for estrangement Dr. Coleman got in therapy.
16:52 What moving towards a child's trauma looks like
18:48 The most common complaint adult children have for their parents
22:32 One of the most common pathways to estrangement
24:45 The most common mistakes estranged parents make
29:53 Why radical acceptance is a required step in reconnecting
33:51 Let’s unpack why guilt doesn’t work.
38:34 What to do when reconciliation isn’t desired by the other person
40:55 What are the steps towards reconciliation?
44:02 Why Dr. Coleman says that parents have a moral obligation to take the high road
52:47 What is an amends letter, and how should you write it?
55:54 What to do if you’re the sibling
1:02:05 When you should stop reaching out for reconciliation
1:06:51 The hopeful message you need to leave with
Listen to the #podcast episode "Is It Too Late? How to Repair a Broken Relationship With Your Friend or Family Member" - link.chtbl.com/DAinFkFf?sid=e...
-
Catch full episodes of The Mel Robbins Podcast here on KZfaq bit.ly/tmrp_playlist 📺
Listen to The Mel Robbins Podcast while you're on-the-go! link.chtbl.com/DAinFkFf?sid=l... 🎧 Available wherever you listen to your favorite podcasts. New episodes drop every Monday (to start your week) and Thursday (to get you through it).
-
Subscribe to the channel here: kzfaq.info?su...
-
Follow me here:
Instagram: / melrobbins
TikTok: / melrobbins
Facebook: / melrobbins
Website: melrobbins.com
-
Want my most popular KZfaq videos sent straight to your inbox? Sign up here: www.melrobbins.com/ytnewsletter
-
Looking for my books on Amazon? Here they are!
High 5 Habit: amzn.to/3fMvfPQ
The 5 Second Rule: amzn.to/3372Rl9

Пікірлер: 156

@melyndafrazer1962 Ай бұрын

Being estranged from both of my adult sons is so incredibly painful. Feels like no hope, Mother’s Day and my birthday were in silence.😢

@owllady88x8 Ай бұрын

You aren’t alone. I’m in the same situation. It’s heartbreaking 💔

@thehamregroup-realty1930 11 ай бұрын

After my Mom passed my dad and sisters just turned ugly and mean 😪. Now 3 years later I’m on my 50s and no extended family because I’m protecting my peace.

@sjordan7085 11 ай бұрын

Good for you, that is always important.

@lynndenault4212 11 ай бұрын

It is hard. I hear you.

@jennifere.7205 Ай бұрын

This is so hard. I am there with you! ❤

@Dil.Careem 11 ай бұрын

This podcast episode on repairing a broken relationship is a powerful reminder that there is hope, even when a relationship feels irreparably damaged. Mel Robbins's insights and wisdom offer a beacon of light to those navigating the challenging journey of repairing fractured connections. The title itself, "It's Not Too Late," speaks volumes about the message of this episode. It's a reminder that no matter how strained or broken a relationship may seem, with effort, empathy, and open communication, there is a chance for healing and transformation.

@r.p.8906 11 ай бұрын

what are the 5 steps: 1./ show compassion, 2./ take responsibility, 3./ communicate openly and want to learn, 4./ accept the blind spot 5./stop completely for a year. 6./ Stay steady and available: Be the lighthouse Light! Love that. Thank you!

@GenRN 11 ай бұрын

After losing my mom my brother said some awful things to me and didn’t apologize, I cut off ties with my brother. I looked back and realized I never came away from a single interaction feeling positive. Every interaction made me feel horrible. I sucked it up for years for my mom but since she was gone, I could end our relationship. I don’t hate him , I don’t dislike him. I just don’t need that energy in my life.

@sjordan7085 11 ай бұрын

Well said!

@WanderingSybil186 11 ай бұрын

It's true. We can only have positive relationships with other people, and reconcile, if people are willing to meet us halfway and none of us are under any obligation to endure negative relationships that suck joy from our lives. Sometimes, we just have to show compassion towards ourselves, say no more and begin to heal.

@Linda-lt4zb 11 ай бұрын

I feel the same way about my brother. We haven't spoken in over 10 years and I'm fine with things the way they are.

@GenRN 11 ай бұрын

@@Linda-lt4zb sometimes we have to choose ourselves. ♥️ Sending you love.

@MsIrishlass61 8 ай бұрын

Someone hurt your feelings and didn’t apologize? Your brother ? Let it go … life’s too short

@aprilhauptman6071 11 ай бұрын

How do you do this without giving up your own boundaries and mental health? Sometimes it seams that if you do they take this as they can walk all over you and take advantage of you.

@liamarietalia837 5 ай бұрын

Thank you for having Dr. Coleman on your podcast, Mel. He is an amazing advocate for reconciliation. As an alienated mother, I wish you would do another podcast on parental alienation. It would really help those of us suffering with this to have it explored and explained in a more public way.

@notamystery74 11 ай бұрын

Thank you Mel. So wonderful to listen to. Last November my 17 year old daughter who lives with her father wrote me an email that I was toxic and and she did not want me in her life. Every day I love her and miss her.

@trish2256 11 ай бұрын

My adult children are estranged from their father due to his behaviour towards them. They tried and tried to work through this but eventually cut him off. It's sad as he does not know his grandchildren but at the end of the day it's his own doing.

@jauntydamemusic 11 ай бұрын

Mel spoke twice about someone in her family who never got to meet two of his grandchildren, and both times I thought "and you don't think there's ANY valid reason for that, Mel?"

@marisaeterovic1104 11 ай бұрын

Thanks Mel ❤ One episode seems not to be enough for this important topic. Please, keep exploring😊

@mmiller1011 10 ай бұрын

Yes. I would like to know what to do with myself during this estrangement. I am grieving the loss of my children, the loss of my identity as a mother, the loss of my own self worth. I don’t want to leave the house. I am humiliated. I don’t want to meet new people. They will ask if I have children. Ugh. While I have an ambiguous story to tell and then work on changing the subject, this cuts so deep I just want to cry. I don’t want to connect with old friends or family. They ask about the kids. It’s horrible. The dogs are good. 😂. They never ask and just wag their tails. 😊

@AmyClark-qj1qf 9 ай бұрын

@@mmiller1011 - you wrote the words I feel. I am grieving the loss/estrangement of my only daughter. I feel humiliated, shame, guilt. I don't want to connect with family & friends that ask about my daughter. I feel humiliated, too. I don't know why, I have some idea but she won't return my calls/texts to know for sure. Nothing. It is so hurtful. I go to bed thinking of it, I wake up dreading the thoughts, the loss of my daughter.

@msrmsr1309 11 ай бұрын

The reason for the estrangement is because of woke culture and what society is telling people to do. Family is family and is unconditional love. Society needs to stop with eliminating people out of your life and just share the responsibility by helping family, friends and others. Stop saying there is mental illness involved when the reality is just that some people need more help than others. Encourage everyone to help their families, friends and others when they can.

@lupin4444 11 ай бұрын

Far too many estrangements are unjustified contrary to the articles and social media promoting this tactic. The ambiguous grief and chronic stress from estrangement is devastating for everyone involved. So unnecessary.

@mmiller1011 10 ай бұрын

Totally agree. I am living under this shroud of a nightmare. It has been three years of no contact and no reason. My children had a very enriched childhood in a stable home that was focused on them finding what they liked and what they didn’t. They are definitely strong but this mystery to choose to estrange the entire family without explanation hence opportunity to at least apologize and grow is devastating.

@lupin4444 10 ай бұрын

Yep. Hugs to you and yours. Estrangement is immoral and unethical. It is selfish power move, not born of tolerance, love and acceptance. @@mmiller1011

@Galynne 11 ай бұрын

First time listeners here. 🙌❤️🥰 My son sent me this podcast. He has been estranged from our whole family for close to five years and has recently reconnected with all of us. It’s been a joy to have him back in our lives again…but honestly without the estrangement, some of our unconscious behaviors would probably remain. This time allowed me and others in our family to think about how we contributed to his need to distance himself. Also, several years ago, my daughter chose to cut off all contact with me, and it was the only way for me to ultimately take responsibility for my actions (or lack there of). I was an unconscious mom and didn’t understand the meaning of being compassionate and truly listening to her concerns. We have such a beautiful relationship now, and I am very VERY PROUD of her courage to say “no more“. But the story continues… I have recently cut ties with my own mom, for her refusal to honor one important boundary that I’ve pleaded with her to honor for years. She won’t have it and uses the excuse that because I am her daughter, I just need to accept her for the way she is, and she can run amok, in any way she chooses. And I’m not going to tolerate it anymore. This is such an important topic, but the set up appears to be that choosing to walk away from toxic behavior is not necessarily the right thing to do. And I’m not so sure I feel that’s true. I hope this post makes sense.

@mmiller1011 10 ай бұрын

Interesting. I, like you, am caught in the middle generation of this muck. I am willing to take responsibility for my blind spots but don’t know what it is. My mother is very damaged as well and was way too young when she had me. At 8 I vowed to be the generation to stop the violence and unstable home. In a way I did, I just didn’t know it would mean estranging me. Clearly my trauma splashed in the next generation. It’s almost too much to bear at times. But onward I walk. Looking for the path to radical acceptance.

@mmiller1011 10 ай бұрын

Thank you so much for this episode. We devoted ourselves to family and raising our children. We gave them an amazing quality of life with an enviable upbringing. Our twin daughters lied to us and estranged us. We never had any trouble with them or bad words. It has been devastating and is now three years. Zero. Contact. Our son is not estranged and I am sure feels caught in the middle. We have told him we do not expect him to have to choose sides. (Yep - I have made many of the mistakes -sigh) Two questions: First, what does a healthy relationship with adult children look like? I had a lot of trauma from being raised with alcohol, domestic violence and three “fathers”. Poor Mamma was 19 when she had me and a mess herself. I had vowed to break the chain but unwittingly my trauma must have splashed on my own children in spite of an in tact family, engaged parenting and wanting my children, not just keeping them out of obligation. Second, estrangement is an all consuming heartbreak. If I keep myself distracted, I’m OK, but when I need to dial life down and just be, I spiral into a frantic puddle of tears and desperation re-examining how I might have let my beloved children down so badly that this is what they had to do for their own mental health. Some days seeing the hope in tomorrow is a really foggy view. What do we do for our own mental, physical and social health while we are giving the little Stonewallers their space? I know that is snarky, but damn I hurt so bad…..and this is just between you and me, not me and them.😂. Mel Baby- Fangirl here. Again you have knocked it out of the park. I just love all you are doing. and the courageous authenticity with which you do it. You have really been that lighthouse on my foggy days. ❤ Much love, Mel

@terriferguson56 11 ай бұрын

Thank you Dr. Coleman for talking about some therapists jumping on adult children’s unresolved emotions, experiences to automatically being a “trauma” and should result in distancing…. as a mother of an adult daughter and trying to heal with her this is what I’m experiencing and it’s extremely heartbreaking trying to understand and establishing my own healthy boundaries 💖🙏

@DonnaTheDogGroomer 11 ай бұрын

This is my experience too. When she started therapy, my daughter cut me off, but told others I did nothing wrong. It’s been 3-1/2 years. She had marital problems and once she started talking to a therapist, she cut me off. We were super close and spoke on the phone several times a day. I am working on healing, while keeping the door open. It has broken my heart.

@karenoneill7694 11 ай бұрын

Thanks for this podcast. I am estranged from my son and this has help shed some light on how to hopefully one day reconcile with him. Forever grateful.

@DKilgallen 11 ай бұрын

I am a parent with two daughters and I am also estranged from both my mother and father, divorced my whole life so I am estranged from each for separate reasons. I spent my life trying to make my parents proud and dealing with their abuse because I thought that was being a good daughter. But then I realized that doing that made me a shitty mother. It became more important for me to try to make my kids proud than my parents. My parents never worried about making me proud. So I put my family first which they never did. And it has made me a better mother because I know as my parents don’t that being a parent is a privilege not a right.

@CherylCadzowArt 11 ай бұрын

My son married an older woman with 3 kids. We were so happy. 4 weeks after the wedding, she went dark. I had talked to a family member about her behaviour, that l did not understand what was happening. She blamed me for all sorts of things. When trying to figure out what l had done wrong, our son said she wanted nothing to do with me and l was to have no contact with her children. She threatened to call the police because her oldest daughter had reached out to me. That was 5 years ago. We had to stop trying to contact our son. We just hide from them now. We don't want to stir her up or the threats will start again. Our son is kind and loving. He now hates me and l can't defend myself because he believes her. I now know what she is. Dangerous.

@DKilgallen 11 ай бұрын

@@CherylCadzowArt I am so sorry

@CherylCadzowArt 11 ай бұрын

@@DKilgallen Thank you. It hurts.

@brianlekei8920 3 ай бұрын

Mel, this is the best interview of Dr. Coleman we have seen, your insight, life experience and questioning to draw out the real essence of this topic is outstanding, well done. We are in the midst of an estrangement, have been watching, listening and reading Dr. Coleman for 6 months now. We are still hopeful that our relationship with our daughter will reconcile but not there yet. Thank you again.

@ninarobins3055 11 ай бұрын

Watching this and not being triggered says everything. Accountability , comunicación forgiveness 😍

@RobinSpeer 11 ай бұрын

The decision to permanently cut off a parent, family member or friend it is a huge, complicated decision to make and it usually is done due to many many instances of neglect or abuse. In my case, when I cut off ties, I never looked back and can't imagine a reconciliation. Those that cut me off I also respect their decisions and would not traumatize them by attempting reconciliation.

@janekiceniuk1578 11 ай бұрын

I just commented on my situation. I guess I'm in this same place. I don't even think of trying to reconcile, it's been too many years. #1- I didn't make that decision, she did. #2- I had previously apologized & we had a long talk. She gave my apology back.

@angelarohr2479 10 ай бұрын

I've gone no contact with mom until my brother who was living with her took his life during an argument with her. I ft bad for her didn't want her to burden that alone and all she has done is back to sneaky stinky and nice to my face but smear me if she don't get her way...I'm 48 2 young kids. She wants to live bomb them and turn them against me...I feel like I live nightmare can't trust ur own mother ?? Thanks for who ever read this. Needed to vent

@shelleythomas1104 10 ай бұрын

Not always at all

@lisacarden1309 11 ай бұрын

Our youngest son cut us off for warning him of what was coming with the economy etc. He said his therapist said we are divisive and doomsdayers... We said we were so sorry, we had no idea what we did or said that was divisive, Please give us some examples so we Never do it again.. he wouldn't give us any examples.. he won't even return a text saying we love him and hope he is doing well. Our hearts are broken. We never even had any trouble even when he was in highschool.. i would never in a million years think this would happen. we haven't seen him in a year. We thought we gave him unconditional love and support for 34 years... But it means nothing to him..😭💔.He came out of college thinking families marriage and children mean very little in life. It was more about money, travel, cars, a high paying job. I think maybe he's finding out differently now. Can't wait to listen to this podcast... ,🙏❤️🙏❤️🙏

@yeshuahamashiach1645 11 ай бұрын

When you pray, make sure God is the object of your faith. If he can change the heart of a king, he can change the heart of your child.Hear them out. Tell them why you believe what you believe rather than demanding.. If you don’t have the heart of your children, you will never impact their lives. Go on a vacation and take time to win back their hearts. Through their times of doubt, they need patient listeners and biblical direction. Lord, we need your mercy for our kids and ourselves.

@lisareed2182 11 ай бұрын

Why would you feel the need to "warn" your adult son? Let him be and adult and worry about what he chooses to. Respect boundaries. There is no way he stopped talking to you because you mentioned these doomsday topics only once. He asked multiple times and you didn't respect his wishes.

@sjordan7085 11 ай бұрын

Don't be so hard on yourselves. There are many people, including therapists who have no idea what is happening in the world, nor do the find the need to prepare. They choose instead to be delusional believing, the Government and/or 'Big Bird' will swoop down from the sky to rescue them. It is true that this may seem devisive to some, but offering advice to one's children, and encouraging them to prepare is an act of caring. My adult daughter tends to roll her eyes at my preps, and often asks, " What's that for, Mom?" She is a minimalist, so, I can guarantee there will be little stored food, or anything else at her house. So, I have prepared for self, pets as well as for adult daughter and her family too. There have already been times, when she has told me, " We are now ready for what is in the garage." My little grand-child, on the other hand, likes to improve her gardening skills, and delights in scoping out Grammy's house, for things that are for her. She'll make a good detective one day....lol.

@sjordan7085 11 ай бұрын

@@bentheredonthat9649 Exactly!

@Mexicobeanpole 11 ай бұрын

I read between the lines on this one. You’re not saying the real reason he cut you off. It’s because doomsayers has been a thing since the beginning of time. The world is ending in 1, no 2,, no 3 years… People want to live and not think about a giant asteroid or an invasion of the body snatchers. Life is too short for such nonsense. You think your way is right, and that your “unconditional love and support for 34 years, Means you can continue to fill his head with flat earth theories. But, as is his right, he’s over it.

@erics1140 11 ай бұрын

Mel, you have helped me immensely over the years and I will always be grateful to you. I will also continue to listen to every episode that you produce. That said, this is probably my least favorite episode ever. Not because I was triggered but because you seemed so angry and dipped into victim blaming at times. Sometimes someone has betrayed you so deeply that they don't deserve an explanation or the opportunity to gaslight one more time. I bet that a majority of people who claim not to understand why they were cut off actually know full well what they have done but are unwilling to take any responsibility for their actions. They play the victim while they are the culprit all along. I acknowledge that this is a complex discussion to fit into the confines of a podcast, it was disappointing just the same. You're capable of greater insight and more importantly more compassion.

@erics1140 8 ай бұрын

@@lab4389 Nothing I said was harsh or out of line. I actually told her how grateful I am to her. You obviously have the right to your opinion but you do not have a right to tell others how they should feel or what is appropriate for them to comment on. You have no idea what my experiences and life has been nor the trauma that those experiences have caused. It is entitled people like you who seem to think they can dictate and sensor any idea or experience that does not completely align with your own or that makes you feel the least bit uncomfortable that is making this society so unhealthy.

@aileenrobinson5348 11 ай бұрын

Answer to my prayer today. Books ordered ✅ thank you both 😢

@alethealane5023 11 ай бұрын

I discovered I had siblings when I was in my forties. I made multiple attempts to try to form bonds with them with respect to their time, emotions, and their lives that they had already built. There was initial enthusiasm and curiosity of course, which dwindled over time no contact at all, and I am at a loss as to why. I don’t feel like it’s my place to ask these four siblings what they’re thinking or where there might be at with keeping in contact with me. I honestly think us being so much older with our own established families and lives, that we just couldn’t click. Since I am not married and don’t have children, it’s quite a bit painful. They all have spouses/partners/children, so maybe they don’t have room for more. I don’t know. I’ve finally accepted it, and now deal with the ambiguous grief. I’ve talked it all out with my therapist for nearly three years. What’s done is done.

@sjordan7085 11 ай бұрын

Mel, I love you to bits, but in my experience, relationships are like clay pots, once broken and repaired, they are never the same, nor do they always hold water. Even with family members, the most important of all relationships, it can be very difficult to fix significant hurt and/or damage. For relationships outside of family, once broken, it is sometimes time to take stock, learn from mistakes and move on, not waste time struggling to repair something that will likely repeat itself, regardless who was at fault. After a recent friendship ended, I do not feel any level of regret or dislike, because I only remember the happy times and good qualities of my ex- friend, and a relationship that couldn't possibly survive due to a conflict in core values. Until I mentioned how I strongly I felt about issues, and compromised by being told what to do more times than I would like, everything was fine. When I spoke up, that was nolonger the case, even though I did my best to be a good friend. The absense of my past friend allows me more time and energy to better my relationship with my family members, and provides space for those more similar to me, to enter my life. The same friend has mental health issues, which can be very taxing. Though I do not lack compassion, I first need to cope with my own physical health, and the recontructing of life after serious illness. I am focusing on self-care, so that I can give my best, and live intentionally in the time I have left.

@erics1140 11 ай бұрын

Well said!

@dorothyedwards7225 11 ай бұрын

I'm in total relation to this subject. Thank You Thank You so Much Mel & Dr. Joshua!!!!God Bless 🙏🙏🙏🙏💓💗😇🤍💜😌💕🤗

@kr0wn.aSSaSSin 24 күн бұрын

My mother cut me off after my drug addict sister ran off & left her daughter in our care for 6mos. Thru this time I was an amazing full time aunt to my niece. The minute my sister walked back thru the door, I somehow received all the consequences she should have & my family began to discard me, mainly to make my sister feel better about her sh*tty actions. This was just devastating & heartbreaking for me, as I believe family is all u have. I begged my mother for a relationship, but was constantly refused, dismissed, invalidated & blamed everything/anything. The rest of the family eventually followed suit & I developed pretty bad anger issues. 4yrs on.. with no support & nowhere to turn, my mental health & physical state have deteriorated beyond belief. (Which ofc is used against me). But I’ve finally come to accept that I am no longer part of my own family.. even tho it still hurts & always will. I still have hope, but I know it’ll never be like how it once was. 💔

@victoriafine8209 11 ай бұрын

Such a complex and important topic. Keep exploring this. As part of two blended families, various estrangements abound. Interesting perspective on what constitutes "childhood trauma" and "emotional abuse." Thank you for this podcast!

@bobbythoms5136 11 ай бұрын

Love you Mel! No fluff or bullshit! I’m always learning new ways to “live and learn” from you, and your guests! Thank you so much! Keep doing this awesome, and sometimes difficult shit!!! ❤❤❤ Bobby😊

@jodiegall3366 11 ай бұрын

Thank you so much I really needed this. I’ve been trying to repair relationships and this really is going to help.

@mountainfever Ай бұрын

I appreciate this interview. I am not fully estranged from my mom, but have drawn quite hard boundaries with my mom and will only see her in a group setting where I can be protected from the interaction I find traumatizing. I'm 43. What you mentioned about an amends letter- I wanted to add, this can't just be cerebral apology that has no backing in truth. My mom has sent such a letter, but her behavior continues to show she feels the exact opposite of what she wrote and that her concern is purely for her own feelings and what she personally wants out of the relationship, rather than true concern for what is best for her daughter and how I'm affected by her behaviors. So, my boundaries remain the same. I have not drawn such boundaries to punish. I have drawn then for my own self preservation. I cannot function being treated in the manner she does. I have a 15 year old son and so I feel like it's not like I have no clue what it's like to be a parent. I don't see my role as a parent to be all about what my son can give to me. I feel like my role is about what I can give to him that he needs for a successful life.

@r.p.8906 11 ай бұрын

the moral obligation goes both ways. How did you get to the conclusion of the one way moral obligation? That is the definition of codependency. The moral obligation goes both ways and even more so from the child to the parent: it's written in all religions of the world. There is a social manipulation to go the opposite way and the motive is way deeper than any one of us would even know. Gaslighting is a terrible way to manipulate people especially when one parent has much more money than the other and basically buys the adult children and controls them with money and promisse of inheritance against estrangement against the other parent. Parental alienation is real.

@carolesamuelson5966 11 ай бұрын

It doesn't surprise me that his estrangement comes after a divorce and remarriage. I am hearing more and more about the impact of fathers specifically, who essentially drop the children of their previous marriages. The impact of the abandonment, real and perceived, is apparently very profound.

@mmiller1011 10 ай бұрын

Yep. I’m in my 60s and my estranged father, now deceased, has greatly shaped my life.

@dianaanisimova8108 11 ай бұрын

I think it is important to add a TW in the title/description that this episode is specifically for those parents etc who have been cut out from somebody else's live. I am a survivor of childhood abuse, and listening to this was rather triggering. I have been doing a lot of difficult work on recognising that what they did to me was wrong and I did not deserve it. I tuned in to the episode hoping to hear more around how difficult it can be to cut someone out, or to love someone because they are your caregiver but also be utterly terrified of them, or how to handle difficult relationships where distance has happened for a reason. Hearing that "trauma is often exaggerated by the child" was really painful, as any abuse survivor knows, you keep having these doubts, "maybe I am innately horrible, maybe I deserved to be treated that way". I don't think people in my position should listen to this episode.

@erics1140 11 ай бұрын

While I am not in your situation, I was very disappointed in this episode for the lack of real compassion for those of us who were traumatized as children. I know they through in a brief caveat about trauma being real towards the end but it rang hollow to me. Mel actually seemed angry most of the episode and seemed to dip into victim blaming at times.

@idid138 11 ай бұрын

8:11 life is triggering for everyone, it's okay

@mmiller1011 10 ай бұрын

I’m so sorry you experienced that. No child deserves that.

@along9971 11 ай бұрын

Thank you for doing this interview, it is a huge problem that's going unnoticed

@kimberlyrobinson-jensen3520 2 ай бұрын

I just came across this podcast and am so grateful you did chose this subject matter, I have read Dr. Colemans book , because I have been estranged from my daughter for several years and am so desperate for help, she was in therapy and was advised from her therapist to cut me out of her life, without ever meeting me, for the first few years I knew something was going on feeling her pull away from me and when I inquired as to why, I was accused if being paranoid and told there was not a conspiracy against me, I had no idea there was a word for what I was feeling with her at that time, I did not know how to explain and put into words what was happening now I know that not only did I make my mistakes with her in her childhood, but also unwittingly alienated from her life by people that I was shocked to learn about, then with the poor advice of her therapist I stood no chance I was at war and didnt even know, its my current feeling is being caught between a rock and a hard spot, and have no idea how to approach this and I am now missing out on my Granddaughters life. I've given up and am trying to figure out how to live the rest of my life heartbroken.

@kateroth7154 7 ай бұрын

What you said at the end - "I'm not going anywhere" made me cry. I was surprised that I am so needy that that touched me.

@PaigeSquared 11 ай бұрын

My sister goes on and off talking to me. When my mom set me up to share with my family that i was pregnant (i was not ready to share, i was still terrified), my sister got up and left the restaurant. She did not speak to me again until it was to tell me that she was also pregnant. It's happened a few times, I'm her big sister though. I'll always be here if she needs me. I won't feed into her behaviors, but she has had a difficult life, same as me. We should be in it together, and I am still hopeful that someday we will be able to be true emotional supports to eachother. Maybe as old grannies. After we had our kids, and she witnessed me becoming suicidal and goinf through a divorce, she has been more authentic with me. I suppose I'm less of a threat, when im at rock bottom. She has been more open to information i had been trying to share about emotional neglect and our childhood. I validate her feelings, which our mom wont do. I once told a "boyfriend" that she was always jealous of me, how weird it was growing up, and that this behavior is to be expected (she didnt show to a holiday meal i hosted and didnt tell us in advance, half the meal was cooked to meet her dietary restrictions, that no one else follows). About a week later, he said something about how impressive it was that she could do headstands and maybe if i get "good" at yoga, I could do that too. I tilted my head to the side and stared at him. He really thought I had projected my own jealousy onto her, and was trying to make me feel some sort of way, in front of him for his enjoyment. What the actual hell?! As if i hadnt already battled with my sister for decades and wasnt confident in my stance with her. I said "yeah, headstands arent important to me, but it does look neat when she does them! She is so strong!" He was deflated after, and confused. It made it very clear wtf he was trying. I was thankful that i had done my work, and harbored no/or little ill will towards my sister, or else he might have been entertained. I have seen her mature over the last ten years, so i do have some hope. Again, maybe when we are grannies, we will have figured out how to be harmonious together.

@ezrawest6043 10 ай бұрын

Sometimes people who get cut off deserve it, or perhaps even worse than that.

@azsparks1 11 ай бұрын

Thank you for the podcast. I do feel it was a bit biased and put a lot of the responsibility on the estranged individual. I do feel that there needs to be a willingness on both sides to be open because writing a letter detailing “why” is a scary endeavor. The estranged person would need to be in a strong enough state to be vulnerable and write their reasons (with specific situations) without the expectation that the recipient may or may not read it. Let alone want to address it. For me, I don’t like absolute or blanket statements like “you’re materialistic, narcissistic, toxic, etc.” because it does not give the other person information. I was estranged from my family for 8 months of no contact and now keep myself at a distance. It’s not easy but I know my why’s and can give specific answers that got me to my decision. Now I’m working on forgiving, accepting my relationships, and grieving that they aren’t going to be the same. Maybe then I would have let go of my expectations and write that letter but I’m not ready.

@norabulen5730 11 ай бұрын

Sometimes you have to make decisions for YOUR mental health.

@lindak8307 7 ай бұрын

The first thing is to not let it get to you. s Don’t let it control who you are. Unfortunately terrible things happen in the past or present . Try and find the right moment to deal with it and take it slowly if has been going on for decades.

@janjoynt3278 11 ай бұрын

can we get to see a sample his reconciliation letter?

@pennywhite34 Ай бұрын

I’m so glad you created this episode! Thank you!

@sherrycanter1453 11 ай бұрын

Thank you I needed this❤

@drbrandykaye 11 ай бұрын

Thank you for the content. What has this professor found in regards to when the parent chooses the estrangement from their child? And in what circumstances if any does he believe that estrangement may be a wise and healthy choice? I personally understand the benefit of having lived the experience but also as a researcher how did you address your bias in your research having been a parent whose child was estranged from you at one time? I feel the focus on trauma (and narcissism) is currently a result of the pendulum swinging from the opposite after so many years but it is still an important aspect of healing adult issues especially considering the results of the ACE study that’s shows how early trauma (big T and little t) is shown to cause physical illness later in life. Thank you 🙏

@RebekahCassell 11 ай бұрын

I watched this video earlier today. I am going thru Mel’s launch program right now. This estrangement topic is close to home right now. I was only the best friend to my previous pastor and his wife recently and we all got too close too fast. He tried to get me into bed several times and other things and of course his wife doesn’t want anything to do with me. Not only that their friends in church leadership at my church (their old church that they left last year) are actively involved institutional abuse which is typical targeted abuse after sexual abuse. It happens when ppl don’t want to believe anything bad about someone who they only want to see in a good light. Literally I was told by my pastor who is new said, “You are unfit bc ppl are uncomfortable with what you said bc G--- had done good things for them.” So I went through counseling that she told me do to go through the 5 stages of grief which the church paid for. I got thru those in four sessions. But church leaders are still themselves not able to get passed this. I didn’t do anything illegal, immoral, or unethical when confiding in church leadership. It is the wife using their relationships to hurt me bc her husband was on sabbatical then got fired.

@SR2858 7 ай бұрын

Thank you Mel and dr Coleman 👏 Being an estranged mother myself, I am familiar with dr Coleman's work - he is just unbelivable...but putting the right questions front and center is also important. There is so much pain and suffering involved, family values disintegrating, that it really is such an important topic. Don't let it be the last one...

@neverendingrending2 11 ай бұрын

I would love to hear more about the friendship situation. I have/had a friend who, without any explanation, stopped communicating to all his closest friends, including me. The thing is that I work with him, and I tried to ask what happened but got no answer. Now we're like strangers passing by each day at work - not a word for a year already! I went through all emotions - anger, hope, love, frustration, disappointment, compassion, etc. Now, I decided to honour his decision and just give him space. What to do more? 🤷‍♀️

@faridsalomon5300 11 ай бұрын

Hi Mel, I really like the content you create and I´d love to help you expand your content by creating Spanish subtitles. By doing that, Spanish speakers will be able to understand the real message you want to communicate.

@jimhellwig6897 11 ай бұрын

So I respectfully disagree with the advice for the victim of parential alienation. I believe that getting a deep understanding of the pathology of parential alienation is the first step in grounding yourself and see the situation through the lense of the control, manipulation, and triangulation the child is influenced by. Gaining this understanding gives the ability to allow the child to spew out blame and shame and hurtful untruths without taking it personal and falling into reaction. For example once you gain an understanding that the more raw toxic hateful that your child gets out the healthier the interactions going forward will be. I call it letting the child take out the trash, rather than keeping it inside of them and making them sicker. Also, I recommend the deeper challenge of healing the parts of the victim parent that puts incorrect meaning to the situation. As well as establishing a helthy identity beyond the situation. I have found these core principles to be invaluable in the fight against estrangement. There is much more to share but this isn't the platform to share it, but wanted to give the basics to help those in need to rewrite their mindset to win this war to get their children back. Thanks Mel, I appreciate you.

@mmiller1011 10 ай бұрын

Good perspective. I don’t know where to turn to get myself out of this. I am good for a while “working on myself” then out of the blue I am triggered.

@firststar2 11 ай бұрын

Omg Mel God is really using you to speak to people. I have a toxic family and I haven't spoken to them over a week and wasn't planning and reaching out any time soon...so tired of the drama

@sharonmckeown2742 11 ай бұрын

Thank you - amazing subject I’m afraid of this happening I have a genuine fear and this was interesting to hear I love you too Mel xLiverpool UK

@miaharrod 5 ай бұрын

Estrangement is an epidemic today. It's heartbreaking, life is too short. The way out is in, work on you, that's how we heal .

@janekiceniuk1578 11 ай бұрын

I have a niece who - to her core- absolutely hates me. Hasn't spoken to me since 2007. I've made the apology, I thought things were somewhat ok-but fragile. Then she just flipped that switch, no fight, no warning, & that was that.

@lynndenault4212 11 ай бұрын

Goodness, what was the cause?

@yvettecardieri6373 Ай бұрын

Free will but her loss

@melyndafrazer1962 Ай бұрын

Thank you , yes this is so heartbreaking 💔

@DVB1848 11 ай бұрын

Mel, you started off talking about a broken relationship with family members, friends etc. That just what I needed. My cousin, best friend from childhood blocked me a year ago after I told her she was arrogant and materialistic. Someone needed to tell her the truth. It will be one year since I got blocked. It hurt me deeply to the core, now I have given up the hope of getting back the relationship. I don’t want to apologise for telling the truth. Whenever she told me about my failings, I accepted. So I was hoping, at some point, you would move away from discussing parent/adult child’s estrangement. I am a bit disappointed.

@Keepinitreal460 Ай бұрын

Thanks Mel ❤

@patriciaberger5279 11 ай бұрын

My nephew and niece have not spoken to each other in over 10 years. I really don't know what caused the falling out but I see in my sister the anguish she feels every time the subject comes up. My niece says she has tried to make amends, that her brother won't even try to understand. It makes me so sad! I have 4 siblings, there are times that each of them have made me upset but I can't imagine not seeing or talking to them. I so wish there was something I could do to bring these two back together; they were so close when they were young.

@joymax72 11 ай бұрын

😘🤩🥰Profoundly impactful podcast, thank you Mel! IMO extending 'olive branches' are underrated, each of us deserve a healing forgiving hand to one another. We must protect ourselves~ yes, but perhaps its just defensiveness of our ego. Resentment, anger, & hate devourers our being, spirit and life 🕊☮

@sharonblumstein8429 11 ай бұрын

Hi Mel, love your podcasts they are very helpful. I am one of 4 and my 2 brothers and I have an issue with my narcissistic sister. We try to keep in contact but she always makes it a toxic conversation. She is not willing to meet us half way at any time. Do we just move on

@El-aitch 10 ай бұрын

My siblings and I haven’t talked to our dad in over a decade. He left our mom after 30+ years of marriage for another woman. We forgave that but the issue was his continual lying to us and his lack of concern for our mom. His abandonment of her (even after divorce) made us, the grown children, take on his responsibilities. Sometimes, it’s necessary. He’s not sorry for what he’s done.

@shelleythomas1104 10 ай бұрын

You can’t fix anything with anyone that thinks they’re above you, judgmental and feel that talking down to you is ok!! Im a Mother of 2 adult Daughters one of who that lives a luxury life that’s a narcissist. She cut me off 3 years ago! I don’t miss her cut downs or telling me I need to get plastic surgery.

@user-lr2qg9th3r 9 күн бұрын

What can you do when your own husband called your adult child and said all the things you say about her in other words your secrets? It’s beyond betrayal

@ritarempel1053 10 ай бұрын

Is it recommended to find out the reason/s for the estrangement?

@summatim 11 ай бұрын

Summary was generated by Summatim, let us know if there are any inaccuracies! 🤖 0:18: Estrangement is on the rise 8:34: The importance of understanding estrangement 0:24: Introduction to the expert on estrangement 10:39: Definition of estrangement 10:39: Prevalence of estrangement 0:24: Reasons for the rise in estrangement 8:08: Importance of family relationships 12:43: Expert's personal experience with estrangement 0:24: Expert's work on estrangement 2:38: Factors leading to estrangement 13:57: Therapists linking childhood issues with estrangement 14:59: Childhood trauma and its impact on estrangement 17:59: Factors contributing to estrangement 18:52: Recognizing estrangement 21:44: Navigating estrangement 25:00: Common mistakes in reconciling with estranged individuals 27:51: Common mistakes in reconciling with an adult child 28:29: Writing an amends letter 29:50: The mistake of thinking things should be fair 34:01: Understanding guilt 35:32: Starting reconciliation therapy 38:06: Achieving reconciliation without therapy 40:50: The five steps to reconciliation 40:57: Adult children seeking help 41:15: Working with adult children 41:54: Parents taking the high road 42:59: Siblings and the high road 44:00: Parents' moral obligation 46:17: Parents' responsibility after death 46:55: Adult children's obligation 49:06: Steps to take in estranged relationships 49:42: Importance of compassion and responsibility 50:13: When to stop trying 51:18: The lighthouse model 51:45: Writing an amends letter 53:21: Understanding the reasons for estrangement 53:55: The pain of estrangement 54:45: The process of reconciliation 55:35: Being in the middle 56:27: Accepting boundaries and limits 1:00:53: Validating the estranged child's feelings 1:02:11: Giving space and allowing absence 1:04:24: Writing an amends letter 1:04:42: Approaching the situation with love and respect 1:05:30: Dealing with a new spouse or partner 1:06:24: Parents feeling replaced 1:06:59: Hopeful message of reconciliation 1:07:44: Reasons for reconciliation 1:09:30: Lack of empathy and compassion 1:09:51: Importance of empathy and compassion

@tracyhorsey6534 10 ай бұрын

I had big dreams and my mother came to me to face what was go8ng on and take actions

@jodiegall3366 11 ай бұрын

Happened to me and I need help to repair this

@kimberlyrobinson-jensen3520 2 ай бұрын

What do you do in the situation if parental alienation by either total lies or exploitation of my mistakes as a mother ?

@lorettadavis8485 11 ай бұрын

My adult daughter cut me out of her life and my granddaughters life. It was my fault due to addiction. She has blocked me from all social media, phone number is changed and she’s since gotten married so has moved so I have no way to try to reconcile. It’s been 4 yrs. My heart is broken. I don’t know what to do

@psmithbell 8 ай бұрын

Look, I cut off my mom 35 years ago and it was socially taboo. I was vilified by my family and the community. I was shunned. People at church constantly badgered me to reconnect. I finally had to say, “You may have heard that she is a serial adulteress. And some of the men have been molesters. I don’t want to risk my kids. Do you blame me?” That finally shut them up. BTW, she admitted it all because there were witnesses. That’s only part of what she did. If she were caught today, she’d be in prison. Back then, children were treated like livestock and parents could do almost anything to them. And out of curiosity, I joined a support group for estranged parents to see how they perceived No Contact. It was an international online group with thousands of members and not one admitted that they had done anything to deserve estrangement. And if anyone suggested apologizing to the adult child, the group attacked them, saying that parents are always right, children are always wrong. I’m so glad that people are not afraid to step away from manipulation and abuse now. I lost a lot of family and friends just to keep my children safe. And even when she saw them with supervision, she heaped the guilt trips, gaslighting, bribing, victimhood on them. Nope. That was the end of contact for them, too.

@yeshuahamashiach1645 11 ай бұрын

Praying for your child When you pray, make sure God is the object of your faith. If he can change the heart of a king, he can change the heart of your child. Hear them out. Tell them why you believe what you believe rather than demanding.. If you don't have the heart of your children, you will never impact their lives. Go on a vacation and take time to win back their hearts. Through their times of doubt, they need patient listeners and biblical direction. Lord, we need your mercy for our kids and ourselves.

@leighanneeson8043 11 ай бұрын

Very impressive all you have to type in Mel and google has placed you first....... How fucking impressive is that. Now the trick is to maintain it

@deboralove3986 11 ай бұрын

Thanks for this. It helped as my daughter has found a new boyfriend and she is in love. She is replacing me it feels like

@Mexicobeanpole 11 ай бұрын

Uuhhh, what???

@jennaarmbruster2169 11 ай бұрын

It's making me sick. Help

@MGSpecial2023 10 ай бұрын

@melrobbins please put the name of person you're interviewing in the title description as well as mention their name very early in your intro.

@debtank1 9 ай бұрын

Dr. Joshua Coleman

@amylynn7881 11 ай бұрын

After leaving my narcissistic husband my dad … who I thought was my rock turned his back on me. Him doing that was almost more traumatic than leaving my husband. Well thru intense therapy memories of sexual abuse from him in my childhood ..that my mind hid from me as a survival mechanism of my narcissistic mom …. These memories and things that I ignored …. Now I refuse to have anything to do with him. And he’s in horrible physical health (he’s 67) and I feel so guilty. And he turned on me and abused me. What on earth!? So complicated!!

@ninarobins3055 11 ай бұрын

My mother embraced Tough Love and never let it go🤪

@sherrycanter1453 11 ай бұрын

# replay

@kathleenmatteo6601 6 ай бұрын

Just like everything else these days everyone is focused on what works for them. This man is saying you have to totally acquiesce and subjugate to your adult child. He says be the leader. In other words treat them like an adult when they are behaving like a 2 year old, unwilling to resolve conflict with people who love them the most. Kids who had decent parents and still do this are flat out cowards. At what point do they become responsible for their reactions to what life has dealt them? Are they adults or not? No one asks to be born. My Lord! Leave a financial inheritance anyway to kids that cut you off and you miss out on knowing your grandkids !?! No! Mel your instinct was right. Eff that. This guy is wrong. Dead wrong. All he is preaching is enablement. His book should be on letting go being the absolute best way you can love them. It’s the ultimate sacrificial act a parent can do when faced with this situation! Leaving them money after you are gone is a reward for their bad behavior and setting an example that this manipulation was OK and setting an example for continued generational dysfunction. No way! It is tragic and it hurts like hell but if they don’t want you in their life have enough love for yourself to be okay with that knowing that they are ADULT, autonomous beings and their cowardly and dysfunctional way of managing conflict and maladaptive way of regulating their real or perceived trauma has nothing to do with you and isn’t your responsibility to own or resolve.

@benefits.of.struggling4252 6 күн бұрын

@Kathleenmatteo6601 I literally read thru the comments to find someone who said what I was thinking. I realize not all circumstances are the same, but telling a parent to apologize to an entitled, lying, cruel, ungrateful, narcissistic ADULT child is wrong, just wrong advice. It literally sets the parent up for MORE abuse, and leaves no room for their OWN personal healing.

@kristinahanses 10 ай бұрын

I cheated on my boyfriend twice and then I realised I love him.. I feel like a terrible person.. I guess it's unforgivable.. should I let him go? Anyway he doesn't want any contact..

@eyeoftheneedle1116 11 ай бұрын

And if you’ve tried, as an adult, with a pathological narcissist parent for over 30 years yet they are still as disrespectful and clueless as ever? Also they refuse to go to counseling.

@Mexicobeanpole 11 ай бұрын

Move on. I did, and it took me 40 years to do it. It’s been the happiest 2 years of my entire life , and I’m in my 60s.

@eyeoftheneedle1116 11 ай бұрын

@@Mexicobeanpole Glad to hear it! Did you do it with a formal letter? Or?

@angelarohr2479 10 ай бұрын

Is this possible with a narcissistic?

@psmithbell 8 ай бұрын

Nope

@Oceanside2023 11 ай бұрын

Therapist these days are turning the psych field into a circus! It’s nearly impossible for people to find or afford a GOOD therapist! It’s become quantity over quality do to the excessive demand for mental health treatment. Sadly, we’ve lost our own coping skills as individuals.

@sjordan7085 11 ай бұрын

It is true to say, that many who end up working in the world of psychology, are actually sorting out their own problems. More than one or two are good at doing little to improve the lives of others, and instead make situations worse.

@Oceanside2023 11 ай бұрын

@@sjordan7085 Absolutely! I worked in the MH field for a while, it’s crazy in itself! You see a lot of transference!!!

@stefaniamirri1112 11 ай бұрын

All right, and what if all the family has a remarkable quantity of narcissistic traits up to the full pathology and they will never admit anything, eventually barely asking a fake sorry so to go on without taking that responsibility up to going to therapy? At times scape goat cuts off just because they have been depleated by years of attempts of reconciliation ALWAYS ECLUSIVELY ONE SIDED, and can't go on fighting for who isnt really there At that point, even the words fades, you simply loose the hope, the trust and the BREATH to attempt anything with them anymore. All another story is with those friends whobpurpirted to understand your move and being supportive if that when than they cut you off no explanation given. Whatever could have been the signs of their dinstancing from you and that you could have accepted as your going far from them could have impacted them as well..why the space you allow respecting their boundaries, than has to turn against you by their total estrangement? It is like they used your respecting their timing/space/ boundaries as YOU CUT THEM OFF, when instead that never gappened. When my BF hang down the m9bile in the middle of a conversation to do not make gear from her for days, neither after my text messages...a friendship of 35 years..??!!??...and at that point I stated the end of the relationship for her choise to avoid to explain what was going on..AT THAT POINT ONLY, I, ME really shut down with her. Never felt worst retriggered of family rejection. And now no doubts I DO NOT TRUST PEOPLE, NOR I BELIEVE IN THEM ANYLONGER.

@PaigeSquared 11 ай бұрын

There are people who aren't narcs. I know it's really difficult to believe when our parents are like that. Difficult to vibe with healthy & supportive people when our vibe was programmed by people who couldn't be bothered with us.

@r.p.8906 11 ай бұрын

wait, we don't send them a birthday card for years but we send them a letter of amends? Wouldn't the card be a more loving thing to do and less invasive and more respectful to boundaries? I wish we heard the 5 steps for a little bit longer than 2 minutes. 1:00:00 is super helpful, but only after the adult child initiates a contact. Basically do nothing until they contact the parent. There is an increase of drug abuse by youth in this country. The lack of a strong family nucleus is at the core of this. If an adult child becomes a drug addict after cutting off one parent, it's important to reassess if it was the wrong parent that was cut off. Sometimes, the results will show after a few years and hopefully, the adult child will reassess and be able to get out of drugs with the help of his/her strongest ally: the other very loving parent. The Lighthouse parent needs to be strong. Parental alienation can't go on for life I hope.

@rogdohio50 8 ай бұрын

I would like to throw in another variable. What if your son is estranged and decided to attempt to medically transition and if parents don't validate that he's a woman, he chose to estrange? This is pretty common and also a no win situation. Therapists are telling these parents that they are unsafe and even transphobic for being terrified of the dangers of the medicalization and surgeries that are required to be in the cult. How does a parent validate a basic untruth?

@galespressos 11 ай бұрын

@Mel Robbins Super relevant to man6 people. ❤. My situation: My close family repeatedly suggested to me that after work overseas I come back to my room, get started with drivers license and go back to get a masters or start work to save up, then go back to help my diligent caring disabled mother. Every couple years I tried, and each time after doing what I’d agreed to do, taking temporary work I disliked to save up, packing when finished, selling things or giving them away, in the last stage, family member changed their mind, again and again and I had to restart. I’m not intentionally cutting people off but am completely exhausted from the situation. It’s extremely serious because I can n9 longer go back to help my disabled mom as she has been moved to a home as nobody was with her and n9 care during the pandemic..and I wanted to be there and had begged for people to follow through as my mom was in an emergency danger situation and after my having a couple cancers and more rough spots I really did need the help to come home, and couldn’t just come and help my mom without help. Too late now, but the rest of family wants to try the same things I’ve tried every couple years. By the way work expected me to go home from overseas so they cut hours, and I got sick in corona resulting in further cut hours and being put on leave, and given remote work, but the visa office said it wasn’t enough, and I was totally put on leave.. So I ended up not being able to pay for my storage room and not being able to completely move out or start a new housing contract or work contract (despite having work offers), then being homeless, and though I had friends, , I ended up being outside homeless for about a week and another week with some hours at night in a shelter, and apologizing for not being able to pay for the room because work was offered but not permitted to be done..and all the while I had only wanted to go home and my purpose in coming overseas for a crew years max was over a couple decades as family kept changing there mind and relatives insisted I go there first, and could not save enough to restart on own for a safe return given circumstances, forgot to mention, vandals at my mothers house and land starting during the methamphetamines up surge and later the opioid situation, so…it wasn’t a good place to restart but I regret not going there directly as now, mother and me los5 everything waiting so long. My purpose was to gain experience for a couple years, not t9 stay forever, and get skills and experience to be flexible and there for my mother back home. All efforts wasted, and I’m super tired out. My mother needed her daughter and I saw how m6 grandmas care for her husband made a huge difference, and m6 uncle carrying for my grandma made a huge difference, and I kept getting blocked from the last part and purpose which was to be home with m6 mom, and she had wanted me there, I truly did need help to get home but had the family not kept changing the mind and pretending t9 want me back, I would have looked for other ways sooner. Twenty years plus every 2-3years retrying failing and restarting wasted. Now caring plants for a place to live, but I had wanted to care for mother especially and family. It’s not that I don’t want to talk to family, in fac5 I do, but am exhausted from trying, failing, and having severe consequences for trying. .. and have health issues unnecessary ones from excessive stressful circumstances. So sad. This estrangement must be a big issue for many after pandemic.

@cyndimoring9389 11 ай бұрын

I didn't read it all but I think I understand. I'm a mom who's been cut off by my son for things his wife has been offended by. I've been in therapy for 2 years over it & was a teacher for 40 years, took lots of psychology classes. Still this family drama has got me stumped. I think some of us (including you) believe in loyalty to the family and assume that when we put love in, we'll get it out even when we're all adults. In this society all some of us have is family but everyone has gotten alienated and mistrustful and carries a lot of hurt around. Sometimes it's easier to lash out at each other than figure out what the real problems are. So my conclusion is that some families have it figured out and some don't. What I expected all my life, when I took care of my dying mom, was that one day I would be taken care of. Life doesn't work that way. I study Buddhism and try to detach from emotional pain while at the same time try to improve myself. It doesn't heal the hurt of lost love while still alive, but it helps. If you feel you have to detach from them to help yourself, so be it. You are forgiven.

@Mexicobeanpole 11 ай бұрын

Something not mentioned is the estrangements due to politics and the discussions that came out of that. To see a person in your family that you know was not raised to be a racist or a Xenophobe suddenly speak in this way is disgusting. I will not condone that type of behavior, no matter who the person is. No contact.

@erics1140 11 ай бұрын

Agree. I have gone low contact with a brother who has become an election denier and so filled with hate. I don't recognize him. I keep things civil when we are with my mom so as not to upset her but if she passes before me, I will cut all contact.

@kristenoneill8083 11 ай бұрын

My father is a narcissist. My husband suggested I allow him to make amends for abandoning me as a child. I learned my lesson over and over that he was never meant to be a parent. I’ve kept my relationship with him at arm’s length now. I now tend to be overly generous with others and then blow up at them when they don’t give in return. I’ve walked away from what I thought were deep lifelong friendships for the same reasons. I’m so done being used as a doormat! My sperm donor Father doesn’t even recognize my step children or grandchildren. Oh, and my brother only communicates via my sister in law. People are so f’n selfish!!

@MsIrishlass61 8 ай бұрын

Are you a mental health practitioner with the education and license to diagnose personality disorders ? Narcissistic personality disorder. It’s what a narcissist suffers from. Calling your dad a narcissist does not mean he is one. Everybody’s a narcissist … it’s an opinion. How do you know your dad is a narcissist ? Because you say so ? That word is thrown around too much by people who do not even know what it means…

@bubalewey800 Ай бұрын

I blame divorce! Parents show their kids it’s ok to leave your family. Then they wonder why the children they didn’t participate in raising want nothing to do with them.

@kathybrokos160 10 ай бұрын

I appreciate you noticing the estrangement of people of family members. I created an extreme boundary with my mother and 2 of my 4 sisters because they used me as a scapegoat for their unacknowledgment of their childhood trauma that they project upon me. I am not the cause of their inability to express their feelings about the childhood abuse in-the family many years ago that they experienced and never went to therapy to work through their perception of what happened. So many codependent behaviors are created in response to childhood trauma. What I really think is happening is that people are tapping into their personal power and letting go of people who do not make them feel good, regardless of who they are.

@jennaarmbruster2169 11 ай бұрын

This is what is destroying me. Daughter

@MsIrishlass61 8 ай бұрын

Millenials … entitled Milennials My son and I were close … my DIL convinced him I was a witch She’s 10 yrs his senior with serious mental health issues .., he’s very naive and co dependent I’ve never met my 8 yr old grandson even though. They split up 6 yrs ago …. I did nothing but welcome her defended her when he was acting like a jerk …my son tells everyone I choked her … um nope …. she’s a strong big girl who could beat me up with her hands behind her back I’ve tried … I’ve honored his wishes … I do not believe this can be repaired …

@garlapatibannu2375 11 ай бұрын

Are we talking about forgiveness? Thank God he taught me it's power For free❤. Before you pray forgive. Avoid abusers, pray & escape temtaion. Get healed. Tip for free. : forgiveness does not mean God is telling you to be victim to abusers.

@psmithbell 8 ай бұрын

The host is a jerk. If she has kids, she might find out that they distance from her. Kids go no contact from parental abuse and she thinks parents should keep abusing them from the grave 😵‍💫🤦🏼‍♀️

@user-ef1bh3fk7h 11 ай бұрын

10:53 Who is Amy? Here I am …..listening so very closely in hopes of gleaning a tidbit of useful information that is applicable to my situation of a several year long estrangement from my son. And Dr. Coleman calls you Amy? In a split second I find I am questioning the validity and reliability of this “interview “ and why I bother listening to KZfaq and podcasts. As a listener I want to feel like you “experts” can contribute to my life and well being. Did Dr. Coleman call you Amy in error or is this whole interview edited together from other material?